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«ie ©amccock McDonald’s is the place to rock, says local schizophrenic by Jell-O Girl The Gamecock In a week of astonishing news, near calamity struck the Columbia area as the Governor’s life was put in danger and the Vista area sunk into a vortex beneath the Earth’s surface. On Monday, while holding a press conference for the South Carolina Health Care Association in Myrtle Beach, 4’2” Gov. Jim Hodges was nearly crushed to death as he approached the stage to give a speech. An unidentified man, who was nearly 6 feet tall, stepped on the governor and had to be subdued by secret service agents. “Who was that little midget I just stepped on?” The man said as secret service agents beat him over the head with sticks. “I’m a disgrace to myself, my family and my community,” Cromartie said as he jumped on a plane to Mexico. In other shocking developments, this one on Tuesday, Myrtle Beach developer Burroughs & Chapin bought out Richland County Council for $15,000, allegedly so that they would not continue to interfere with the company’s Green Diamond development. “They named their price, and we took them up on it. They were easy to buy out,” said B & C president Mike “Bulldozer” McGee. “Now we’ll be free to build on swampland as much as our little hearts desire.” Also Tuesday, S.C. Attorney General Charlie Condon vowed to “put the smack down and crack down” on elected officials in the state of South Carolina. “It’s open season on public officials, and I’m going hunting. No longer will we tolerate elected officials in this state,” Condon said before rampaging through the State House with an AK-47, picking off officials. “Condon is a freaking idiot,” said South Carolina Democratic Chairman Dick ‘The horror! The death! I’m dying in here! Help me! Aaaaaaaaah!* Little Man trapped inside the page Pullonithardian. Wednesday morning, Mark Sanford shocked the electorate by declaring a run for the U.S. presidency after making several public declarations denying his candidacy. “Sanford is a freaking idiot,” said Pullonithardian. “There’s not another presidential race for four years.” Also Wednesday morning, scientists at the USC Bee Studies Program reported finding a migratory colony of deadly bumblebees heading straight for Columbia. The scientists said the bees are likely to strike in June or early July, and advised citizens to stay in their homes with their windows closed at all times from now until August. “A single sting can kill a person instantly,” said scientist Pete Tre Dysh. Then on Thursday, Columbia Police reported that in Five Points, killer trolleys were attacking residents at will. “It was like they had a mind of their own,” Billy Bob said. “They done tried to run me over, and it wasn’t nobody drivin ‘em. They was possessed.” The city desk can be reached at www.jollydwarf.com Shit that’s Bangin Monday, April 30 ■ Meeting: Association of Marijuana Manufacturers. 4:20 p.m., RH 420 ■ Speaker Darryl Strawberry Moti vational Speech: Helping Drugs Help You, 7 p.m., Carolina Coliseum ■ Meeting: Surrealist Association. 12 past the hot dog, on the Moon Tuesday, May 1 ■ Meeting: Playa Haters Union. 10 p.m., RH Ballroom ■ Sperm drive: Odinism society. 4 p.m., RH 531. ■ Sorority Mpd Wrestling: 9 p.m., Brock’s House. Wednesday, May 2 ■ Synchronized Swimming: USC at Midlands Tech. 6 p.m., Congaree River. ■ Performance: Pimp Daddy Wel fare. 2 p.m., Greene Street. Friday, May 4 ■ Video Game Tournament Ex treme Freestyle Walking. 3 p.m., Russell House Patio. Riot from page 1 paper’s secret underground crime lab. “Bubble Yum, by the looks of it. Cotton Candy flavor. That’s one damn good piece of gum.” “This cycle of violence in our beautiful city must be stopped immediately,” said a concerned citizen. Unfortunately, he turned out to be from Cincinnati and was of no help to the investigation. Jerk. The Gamecock obtained police reports of the day, or week, in question, but the reporter’s handwriting only served to call into question the year the fight took place in. “Rest assured, The Gamecock will not stop until we find out all of the events of this possible brawl that possibly occurred on our campus at some point in the recent past,” editor in chief Brock Vergakis promised. “Or until our last issue comes out Wednesday. Whichever comes first.” Joe Kurosawa can be reached at joe@kurosawa.com 1 I—1 ■ Initially Yours coiumBin LUGGAGE 1111 Lady Street • Columbia, SC 29201* (803) 765-9010 Near ihe University of South Carolina Six from page-1 University to get Buchanan here.” Though Bessinger has been called a racist by some students, business committee chairman John Luna said the barbecue rnaven was the perfect' candidate to represent the Carolinian Creed. “The standards for personal and academic excellence' also apply to damned good barbecue,” Luna said. Mr. T, another of the new six, said in a telephone conversation that he would be more than happy to come to USC after it was explained to him that he was being asked to speak at USC, not to fight the Dalai Lama. “I pity the fool. The Dalai Lama wouldn’t have a chance,” said the former star of “The A-Team.” Mr. T also gave a preview of what he is going to say to students. “You gotta wake up every day and eat your coffee,” he said. “Get your eight hours of drugs. Stay off sleep. Stay in milk. And drink your school.” Mr. T ended the conversation by pounding the phone into several pieces. ' “I’m not here about the music,” Mr. T said. The hell desk can be reached at gamecockhell@hotmail.com Qi>A4*cit (\\Vh4 AN HISTORIC RESIDENCE Efficiency $465 One Bedroom $525 Two Bedroom $560 Summer Special $50 per. month discount May 1 - August 1 Located across from the University of South Carolina Horseshoe and the State Capital, Cornell Arms offers the premier location for downtown living. (803) 799-1442 1230 PENDLETON STREET COLUMBIA, SC 29201 2 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS Now you can have it all: • Fully Furnished • Rec Room / Fitness Center • Full size washer/dryer in each apartment • Swimming Pool & Hot Tub • Fully equipped kitchen w/ full size appliances • Tennis, volleyball, basketball • Computer lab, copier & fax available • Close to campus / Bus Service available • Roommate matching service • Individual leases UNIVERSITY APARTMENTS EyffiHfB ®T 939-0444^ 800 Alexander Road