The gamecock. (Columbia, S.C.) 1908-2006, April 30, 2001, Image 3
«ie ©amccock
McDonald’s is the
place to rock, says
local schizophrenic
by Jell-O Girl
The Gamecock
In a week of astonishing news, near
calamity struck the Columbia area as
the Governor’s life was put in danger and
the Vista area sunk into a vortex beneath
the Earth’s surface.
On Monday, while holding a press
conference for the South Carolina Health
Care Association in Myrtle Beach, 4’2”
Gov. Jim Hodges was nearly crushed to
death as he approached the stage to give
a speech. An unidentified man, who was
nearly 6 feet tall, stepped on the governor
and had to be subdued by secret service
agents.
“Who was that little midget I just
stepped on?” The man said as secret service
agents beat him over the head with sticks.
“I’m a disgrace to myself, my family
and my community,” Cromartie said as
he jumped on a plane to Mexico.
In other shocking developments, this
one on Tuesday, Myrtle Beach developer
Burroughs & Chapin bought out Richland
County Council for $15,000, allegedly so
that they would not continue to interfere
with the company’s Green Diamond
development.
“They named their price, and we took
them up on it. They were easy to buy out,”
said B & C president Mike “Bulldozer”
McGee. “Now we’ll be free to build on
swampland as much as our little hearts
desire.”
Also Tuesday, S.C. Attorney General
Charlie Condon vowed to “put the smack
down and crack down” on elected officials
in the state of South Carolina.
“It’s open season on public officials,
and I’m going hunting. No longer will we
tolerate elected officials in this state,”
Condon said before rampaging through
the State House with an AK-47, picking
off officials.
“Condon is a freaking idiot,” said South
Carolina Democratic Chairman Dick
‘The horror! The
death! I’m dying in
here! Help me!
Aaaaaaaaah!*
Little Man
trapped inside the page
Pullonithardian.
Wednesday morning, Mark Sanford
shocked the electorate by declaring a run
for the U.S. presidency after making several
public declarations denying his candidacy.
“Sanford is a freaking idiot,” said
Pullonithardian. “There’s not another
presidential race for four years.”
Also Wednesday morning, scientists
at the USC Bee Studies Program reported
finding a migratory colony of deadly
bumblebees heading straight for Columbia.
The scientists said the bees are likely to
strike in June or early July, and advised
citizens to stay in their homes with their
windows closed at all times from now until
August.
“A single sting can kill a person
instantly,” said scientist Pete Tre Dysh.
Then on Thursday, Columbia Police
reported that in Five Points, killer trolleys
were attacking residents at will.
“It was like they had a mind of their
own,” Billy Bob said. “They done tried to
run me over, and it wasn’t nobody
drivin ‘em. They was possessed.”
The city desk can be reached at
www.jollydwarf.com
Shit that’s Bangin
Monday, April 30
■ Meeting: Association of Marijuana
Manufacturers. 4:20 p.m., RH 420
■ Speaker Darryl Strawberry Moti
vational Speech: Helping Drugs Help
You, 7 p.m., Carolina Coliseum
■ Meeting: Surrealist Association.
12 past the hot dog, on the Moon
Tuesday, May 1
■ Meeting: Playa Haters Union. 10
p.m., RH Ballroom
■ Sperm drive: Odinism society. 4
p.m., RH 531.
■ Sorority Mpd Wrestling: 9 p.m.,
Brock’s House.
Wednesday, May 2
■ Synchronized Swimming: USC
at Midlands Tech. 6 p.m., Congaree
River.
■ Performance: Pimp Daddy Wel
fare. 2 p.m., Greene Street.
Friday, May 4
■ Video Game Tournament Ex
treme Freestyle Walking. 3 p.m.,
Russell House Patio.
Riot
from page 1
paper’s secret underground crime lab.
“Bubble Yum, by the looks of it. Cotton
Candy flavor. That’s one damn good
piece of gum.”
“This cycle of violence in our
beautiful city must be stopped
immediately,” said a concerned citizen.
Unfortunately, he turned out to be from
Cincinnati and was of no help to the
investigation. Jerk.
The Gamecock obtained police
reports of the day, or week, in question,
but the reporter’s handwriting only
served to call into question the year
the fight took place in.
“Rest assured, The Gamecock will
not stop until we find out all of the
events of this possible brawl that
possibly occurred on our campus at
some point in the recent past,” editor
in chief Brock Vergakis promised.
“Or until our last issue comes
out Wednesday. Whichever comes
first.”
Joe Kurosawa can be reached at
joe@kurosawa.com
1
I—1
■ Initially Yours
coiumBin
LUGGAGE
1111 Lady Street • Columbia, SC 29201* (803) 765-9010
Near ihe University of South Carolina
Six
from page-1
University to get Buchanan here.”
Though Bessinger has been called
a racist by some students, business
committee chairman John Luna said the
barbecue rnaven was the perfect'
candidate to represent the Carolinian
Creed. “The standards for personal and
academic excellence' also apply to
damned good barbecue,” Luna said.
Mr. T, another of the new six, said
in a telephone conversation that he
would be more than happy to come to
USC after it was explained to him that
he was being asked to speak at USC, not
to fight the Dalai Lama.
“I pity the fool. The Dalai Lama
wouldn’t have a chance,” said the former
star of “The A-Team.”
Mr. T also gave a preview of what
he is going to say to students.
“You gotta wake up every day and
eat your coffee,” he said. “Get your eight
hours of drugs. Stay off sleep. Stay in
milk. And drink your school.”
Mr. T ended the conversation by
pounding the phone into several pieces. '
“I’m not here about the music,” Mr.
T said.
The hell desk can be reached at
gamecockhell@hotmail.com
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