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"Che ©amecock University Saturday, April 28 ' ■ Larceny of Computer, RH 342. John Smith said someone stole the computer he was working on when he left it for a few minutes. Smith said he left a sticky note on the computer claiming it as his. Investigation continues. Reporting officer: Harry Butts ■ Death threat RH 333. Gamecock editor Brock Veigakis said sports editor Kyle Almond threatened his life for making him run a story on the equestrian team in the sports section. Reporting officer: D. Lishious ■ Simple possession of marijuana RH 333. Bill Clinton was caught with a plastic bag full of what was believed to be a green leafy substance. Reporting officer Phil D. Nutz confiscated the substance, and the subject was arrested for possession of marijuana Upon further investigation, it was found the green leafy substance was a McSalad Shaker from McDonalds. Clinton is being kept in custody at Richland County Detention Center. ■ Harassing Phone Cafls Vvbodrow 111. Muddy Waters said he received repeated drunken phone calls from two women in the middle of the night. Whters said they wanted him to purchase beer for them to give him incentive to finish their term papers. The women then knocked on the-window of Waters’ roommate and woke him up before realizing it was the wrong window. Charges are pending. Columbia Friday, April 27 ■ Forgety, 870 Assembly St. (Carolina First Bank). Richard Nixon was arrested at the main Columbia branch of the Carolina First Bank when he attempted to cash a check for a “zillion dollars.” Tellers became suspicious when they realized there is no such thing as a zillion dollars. Nixon’s explanation to police was that he was attempting to cash the check to pay for the potential state budget shortfall. Reporting officer Ernie E .feese. ■ Incorrigible child, 3892 Rosewood Drive (Hand Middle School). Reporting officer S. Friendly reported in response to a child, Jason Mamom, who wasn’t paying attention in class. Friendly had to call for backup when the kid pulled out a 9mm and started shooting at other students. No one was injured, but Officer Friendly wrote in his report that the kid was a “little bastard.” ■ Assault and battery of a high and aggravated nature, 200 Wayne St. (Pacific Park). Valerie Hatchet said two men unknown to her jumped out of a blue pickup tnlck and attacked her with baseball bats, inflicting numerous injuries to her head and arms. The incident is believed to be gang-related, according to police. Hatchet was later taken to Baptist Medical Center, where she was treated and released. Reporting officer: L. Cock. Thursday, April 26 ■ Simple possession. 420 Barnwell St. Reporting officer B, Job saw Kay Smithsonian smoking what was believed to be marijuana outside on the sidewalk. As the officer tried to arrest the woman, she was overheard saying, “It’s Friday, fool, I’m going get y’all fucked up.” ■ Minor in possession of alcohol, assaulting an officer, 2200 Gervais St. Reporting officer Amanda Hugginkiss saw Charles Manson drinking a 22-ounce can of Schlitz Malt Liquor. Manson became loud and boisterous when the officer told him he couldn’t stand on the comer and drink his malt liquor. Manson explained that he was a member of the South Carolina Press Association and had every right to be there. Manson was later arrested and taken to Richland County Detention Center. ■ Herbie curbie, 900 block of Park St. Reporting officer M. Cocky responded after Jill Martinez stole every city- issued trash can on the block. The estimated street value of the 10 trashcans is $15,000. The case was later handed over to the major crimes division of the Columbia Police. Kidnapping from page 1 On the tapes, police discovered Balia’s plan to orchestrate the swap. Balia can be heard offering the imposter a reserved parking space behind Preston and Nathaniel Blanco as his personal chauffeur. In return, the imposter agreed to prevent The Gamecock from endorsing candidates. However, after being seduced by a campaign manager police wouldn’t name. the imposter persuaded The Gamecock Editorial .Board to endorse Blanco, his chauffeur. “I feel like a communist,” Journalism professor Scottish Ferret said. “Even my wife is mad at me for going against my journalistic ideals. I’ll design a special apology page in the Carolina Reporter for Mr. Veigakis.” Some board members were unaware of the controversy. “The Gamecock endorsed candidates?” student co-chair Marinated Salisbury said. “Wow, I had no idea.” USC President Juan Palms said he was outraged at the board’s actions. “To make up for this egregious mistake, I will donate some of the proceeds of our Two Notch program to Mr. Veigakis’ education,” Palms said. SG President Corey Mustang reacted in the GMP. “This food just doesn’t taste wholesome, and neither does this plot,” Mustang said. Balia said she would resign within a week. “I’m saddened to know that in the end, hard work pays off and lies don’t,” Balia said. The university desk can be reached at bubbarabies@hotmail.com Palms and Modo to sell body parts on Two Notch ■ Plan would help university make up for budget cuts by Yoda Grits The Gamecock In an effort to make up for deep cuts to USC’s state funding, university President Juan Palms and Provost Harry Modo announced today they would be selling USC students’ kidneys out on Two Notch for $200 each. “It’s tuition of another kind,” Palms said. Modo said he and Palms would sell the organs on the black market until they had made enough money to make up for budget cuts of almost 9 percent as passed by the Senate and 12 percent as passed by the House. “The legislature mutilated our students’ pocketbooks, so we’re forced to mutilate their bodies,” Modo said. Under the plan, Modo and Palms would charge a standard rate of $200. Modo said healthy kidneys would cost an additional $50. Head suigeon Terry Holtz would serve as a broker. “I know a thing or two about the business of turning programs around,” Holtz said. The three estimated the scheme could pull in as much as S10 million a year, nearly enough to make up for the cuts. “Anything we don’t get that way we can make in dealing a little spleen on the side,” Holtz said. Palms said the administration was looking for ways to expand the program. “If we’re successful, we’ll encourage USC employees to join the plan,” he said. “We could also institute a family plan.” Sen. Hugh Leatherman, R-Florence, said he was in support of the scheme. “Anything to keep this state from borrowing,” Leatherman said. “We just can’t afford any more debt.” Gov. Jim Hodges said he was upset the two administrators were being forced to send student parts to the streets. “This is why we must exempt higher education from the budget cuts,” Hodges said. “That, and the last thing I need is a lot of pissed-off parents heading to the polls on Election Day.” Democratic Party Chairman Dick Harpootlian said he didn’t know whether the plan would hurt Piilms’ potential bid for the Senate. “I’ve never heard of a Senatorial candidate selling the organs of young people,” Harpootlian said. “But it should boost ltis numbers among dialysis patients.” “Jeannie,” a Two Notch broker, said I she welcomed the business. “We got university students coming? We need to change the red lights out," Jeannie said. Legislators are cutting the budgets of state agencies to avert a shortfall one House leader said was “really fucking big.” “It was only $500 million,” the leader said. “Then we figured out we didn’t have any tax cuts in the budget. So it's probably gomia grow some.” U.S. Rep. Lindsey Graham, who would likely face Palms in a Senate race, said he thought Palms’ plan was “a step in the wrong direction.” “I don't think candidates for U.S. Senate should be cutting up young people ( out on Two Notch,” Graham said. “Call me crazy, but I don't think our leaders should be butchers.” University officials said another part of USC’s plan to make up for the cuts would be to build a Wtffle House in the middle of the Horseshoe. Palms said the Maxcy Monument will be tom down and replaced with the restaurant. “It’ll be great; Waffle House rocks a donkey’s ass,” said Evan Smiley, a second year political science student. The university desk can be reached at kidneys@twonotch.com Palms from page 1 really don’t have any precedent to draw from here,” said James Worthington III, political analyst at Stanford. “There are Democrats in South Carolina?” he added. LOSPOAT leaders declined to comment when reached by phone. “I’m busy seizing Osborne (USC’s administration building) right now,” one of them said. Palms, hunkered down in his office in the Osborne Administration Building, said However, Gamecock staffer^ discovered the group's plot to seize Palm*! "Work w/administration to seize Prez.B one of them says. “Then, I becomjM interim.” It was signed ”H. Modo.” ■ Provost Harry Modo, reached for” comment, said he had nothing to do with the plot. “I did not have conspiratorial relations with that organization, the LOSPOAT,” Modo said. “I never asked anyone to seize President Palms. Never. These allegations are false, and I need to get back to work for the Bush — I mean, USC’s students.” The university desk ciui be reached at wafflehouse@greystone.blvd he was outraged at the LOSPQ-VT's efforts. “This attempted kidnapping will liinder our momentum and hurt our efforts to raise the institution’s credibility,” he said. State legislators welcomed the news. “Hot damn!” one of them said. “Maybe that old bastard will stop riding us about the budget cuts.” The Gamecock discovered the plot after reviewing thousands of LOSPOAT documents obtained under the Freedom of Information Act. “We were just trying to find out who the hell they are,” University Editor Grits Larrabee said, who is quoted here as a perfect example of “masturbatory journalism.” And give fear a swift kick in the ass. Build your first resume. Explore industries you never knew existed. Get interview advice on the college channel. Visit your future @ HotJobs.com.