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Foreign ^Domestic Page 4 12Plt (59111 CCOCk Monday, April 30, 2001 Puerto Rico invades United States BY LAPIZ PLUMA El Associated Press SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico — Fed up with the continued practice bombing of Vieques Island by the Navy, the Puerto Ricans rioted this week against La Casa Blanca. In the three-day riot, a group of 150 Puerto Ricans, sporting sticks and rabid dogs, overran the White House and declared Puerto Rico the sovereign government of los Estados Unidos. President Bush was thrown out of the Mexicans’ motives,” Bush said, clearly misconstruing his new government’s ethnicity. Bush is expected to be hanged at sundown. The Puerto Rican governor, Sila M. Calderon, was named chief executive in Bush’s place. “We have conquered your pathetic country,” Calderon said. “Viva Puerto Rico!” Was shot at first sight. Jennifer Lopez was declared the national celebrity of America, and a monument of her ass was erected in place of the Washington Monument. The Calderon administration also gave a governmental blessing to the meiging of all American beer companies with the Corona company. “Estov furioso nnrmip ‘hppr’pt una palabra mas corta de ‘cerveza’,” said John Phillips, a fomier Budweiser employee. Other mnvpc nf thp ‘Rowdy Hispanics overran the whole White House. It was like Texas all over again. * George W. Bush Former President of the United States olhce to chants of “Viva Puerto Rico!” “Rowdy Hispanics overran the whole White House,” former President Bush said. “It was like Texas all over again.” Bush said he was too busy monitoring the situation in China to worry about the “itsy bitsy island nation.” “I can’t believe I misconstruted I The American flag was lowered from all government buildings. In its place, the Puerto Rican flag was proudly hoisted. In the first move of the new administration, Spanish was declared the official language of the United States. While Spanglish was seen as acceptable, anyone freely speaking English administration include a national shutdown from noon to 3 p.m. everyday for siestas and an elimination of Black History and Women’s History month to make room for a Hispanic year. Nationwide, the government called for U.S. citizens to be renamed with their high school Spanish class names. Strom 1 - STAFF TYPIST If you can type at I least 20 WPM with I reasonable accuracy * and are interested in part-time pay on Wednesdays or aturdays, call 7726. ‘We have conquered your pathetic country. Viva Puerto Rico! ’ Sila M. Calder6n President of the United States, former Governor of Puerto Rico Thurmond will now be known as “Jorge also boasts a large Hispanic population. Thurmon.” Taco Bell clearly has an advantage Because Florida is full of wankers, in the new Hispanic nation, but the state was renamed Miami, a city with McDonald’s, trying to hop on the a dominant Hispanic culture. bandwagon, has eliminated all its In addition, the Calderon Americanized food. Instead, the fast food administration is considering moving the chain is only serving hamburguesas and national capital to Nueva York, which enchiladas. Study: children, cigarettes do mix by Phillip Morris Disassoctative Press CLEVELAND, Ohio — Conventional wisdom has always preached that cigarettes and babies don't mix. . This is proving to be more wishful thinking than true wisdom. Why? A recent study systematically proves that “babies like tobacco smoke.” It even goes so far as to say "... there is no wrong age to enjoy the benefits of a healthy tobacco habit.” The four-year study, wliich includes lots of fancy bars and graphs outlining the results, appears to show that children as young as 1-month-old can enjoy the smooth pull of a Winston-Salem, or at least are capable of second-handedly enjoying the smoke that was once considered noxious. The abstract of the study holds many agent, including the following news for parents: “Cigarettes are largely harmless to your children — enjoy those nice, refreshing tobacco products, and share with your kids. Don’t neglect the most important things in their lives. Prove that you care about them. As they get older, give them that chance to try king size Joe Camels. Let their little lungs absorb that menthol goodness with every puff.” The study even recommends a product be developed to supply tobacco to these toking tykes. Gerber Inc. has come forward with a form of nicotine diluted into milk and other healthy ingredients. Benson and Hedges International has responded with a variety of chewing tobacco flavored with strawberry and chocolate. Peggy Wistom, mother of four, is relieved. “I figured maybe I should cut down on the Players Regular King-Sized when Billy came down with the asthma, but what’s the point? The little bastard is probably enjoying all my free smoke.” She paused to cough while chewing on her yellow-stained fingers. “When he liits 13, he’s gonna get a job so he can pay for his own cigarettes.” Some critics of die study are speakipg out against its methodology. Some even say it is “complete and utter bullshit.” One such opponent to youth smoking is Izzy Locum, CEO and Chairman of Cadbury Inc., makers of famed “Popeye Gandy Cigarettes.” “This study will irrevocably hurt my business. What the hell are they trying to prove? Besides, everyone knows that smokes are for 13 and up.” So, the verdict is in. Why aigue with the scientists? Enjoy that cowboyesque experience, and let the future of America decide for itself wiiether it wants to live in Marlboro country. News Briefs ■ Maurice says he’ll take down flags, wed Oprah COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) — Maurice Bessinger said today he would take down the Confederate flags that adorn his restaurants and marry television host Oprah Winfrey. “I am a changed man!” Bessinger said Sunday. “I have found love, and it has changed my mind.” Bessinger said he would no longer sport a white vest and ride a white horse. Instead, the horses will be the multicolored Palomino to “promote the ideas of racial peace and harmony.” Contacted in New York, a publicist for Oprah said Bessinger was “out of his friggin’ mind.” Bessinger said he had come to his conversion after reading every book stamped with the “Oprah’s Book Club” logo. “All of those books are just so damn beautamous,” he said. “I knew she had to be mine.” ■ Clinton, former leaders gather to stage ‘Rocky Horror’ UNITED NATIONS (AP) — Former U.S. President Bill Clinton joined other former world leaders to put on a drag show version of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Clinton and the other leaders,- who ^ included former Russian President ™ Boris Yeltsin and former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, said the show was intended to promote world harmony because it’s an audience participation production. Among those in attendance were Pope John Paul II and Queen Elizabeth II, who both clapped loudly, joined in the song-and-dance routines and threw toilet paper rolls onstage. Clinton played the role of Frank N. Furter, originally played by Tint Curry. Curry praised the former president, saying, “He’s had much more experience than I have.” Puerto Rico’s president, Sila Calderon, asked for an encore to be performed at the new Lopez memorial. I Brock Vergakis Martha Wright Brad Walters Editor in Chief Copy Desk Chief Design Editor mm.-- Msmmm r~——-v* r—-• — Brandon Larrabee Valerie Matchette University Editor City/State Editor —J f M l-'." I-'-!I --1 Michael Ronquillo Ace Photographer Kyle Almond Betsy Baugh Sports Editor Community Affairs Sean Rayford Aubrey Fitzloff Photo Editor Asst. Viewpoints l iCristy Infinger Charles Prashaw Mackenzie Clements Asst. University Asst. City State Copy Editor Jason Harmon Jill Martin Copy Editor Copy Editor Katie Smith Ann Marie Miani News Design Spotlight Design James Battle Mark Yates Aaron Hark Viewpoints Design N&W Design Ace Photographer V Not Pictured: Erin O’Neal, Spotlight Editor; Amanda Silva, Spotlight Editor; Jennie Moore, News Designer; Travis Lynn, Photo Editor; Sara McLaulin, Community Affairs «• * I hese are the faces behind the newspaper you thumb through passively and then use as an umbrella. I I Nobody covers USC better, especially during rainstorms. Yep, we don’t get much credit for what we I I do, so pardon this lame attempt at giving ourselves some exposure. Besides, we’re pretty sure you’ve I _never seen us before. There’s a good reason for that: We don’t leave Russell House. Even I **