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H THE JOKERS'BUDGET. ii I.ITTIjK IIUAIOKOITH llKAIXNti FOR T1IK L.BIHUKK UOUKH. On the Ire? NUe wiu Pnrticulnr About It? C' ' The Iteceiver'n Honesty?An Orphan Child?All the Htyle?Potn nnd Dashed. TteUY PARTICULAR. A lady on a Rock Island train the other day had a dog with her, which seemed to be out of sorts about something, and disturbed the passengers not a little by its whining. At length a man who sat in the next seat forward faced about aud said: "Is the little fellow sick?" "Ph, no," said his mistress; "but I think lie wants a drink of water." "Then I will get him some," said the gent, good uaturcdly, as he took a cup from his satchel and started to go to the cooler. "Hold on!" exclaimed the lady with alarm, us she handed him a cup of her own. "Take this, please. I am very particular what cup my dog drinks out of." After watering the pup, the stranger went into the smoker and offered the brakemau a quarter to kick him.? 1 Chicago Herald. A STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENT. Two rival washer-women called upon a lady at the same time for the purpose of soliciting her patronage. "8hure, ma'am," said Mrs. Mullins, glaring at Mrs. Barney, "you'd niver be tliinkin' of trustin' your clothcs to that Mary Barney, for she do drink like a fish, ma'am." "Drink, is it?" here struck in Mrs. "Barney. "An' phwat right have yc to say that, Ann Mullins, yc beauty?" And then turuihg to the lady, she declared, solemnly: "As thrue as I stand here forninst yc, ma'am, ye couldn't drink more i nor Ami Mullins ycrsilf. No, ma'am." ?Bazar. l'-- f' r. STAGNATION OK TRADE. "8old anything while I was gone?" asked the shoe store man of his new boy. "Half sold a pair of boots," replied thcyoung man. "Half sold a pair of boots!" roared the .merchant; "this is not a cobbler shop, you base plebeian!" "I know," replied the noble lad, fearlessly ; ' 'but a man with a peg leg came along und I sold him half a pair of split leather boots at French calf priccs." The generous merchant faltered a moment. and then fell upon the young man's neck and wept?cried like a child ?because he didn't get more for the boot.?Buudette. tiik style. "My deah fellah," said Van Duden, "you wcally must learn to hold youah cigawcttc bettah. You see, I am a bit oldah than you, so I don't mind telling you that some of tho men at the club actually have remawked to me on the shocking way you smoked. Nevah again take your cigawctte between youah fowe ifiagcr and youah thumb.' Always hold it cithah between youah two first fingahs or between youah thumb and second fingah, and invawiably elevate youah little fingah at the same time."?Chicago Tribune. an ORrnAN child. "Good mornin', Mrs. O'Ralierty. I hear'ye was out to the orphans at Cold Spring?" "I was, Mrs. O'Flaherty. An' indade an' I'll niver forgit the beautiful scenery of half a hundred little ones widout any father nor mother. Sure an' they're "trated so noice and aire taked sich good care of that me an' me owld mon are goin' to sec if we cau't make an orphant of our little. Jemmy an' put him out there." "Faith, an' it's sense ye be talkin' now. Ye have jist as good a right to have a orphant child as anyone else."? Kentucky State Journal. the whole hog. ..... .... jy unicago man wno naa been appointed receiver for a certain firm went to a lawyer and asked: "Out 6f about $20,000 passing through his hands how much ought a ! receiver to profit?" "Well, about $18,000," was the reply. The receiver lockod disappointed, and the Lawyer asked if he had expected more. "Why, I can't possibly see what business any one has with the other $2,000," "he replied.? Wall Street News. THE SECRET OK SUCCESS. Small Boy?A ccnt's worth of peanuts, aunty. Auuty?Arrrh! be off wid ye. D'ye think it's meself that would be afther Bcllin' a cent's worth of peanuts? ftmall Boy (around the corner)?Gim?. iU A- s* 111U a V/LUI, a wunu Ul pUttQlHS, Vjrlirnbaldi. Garribaldi?Bi, signor; vera goodu pe^iiut. fresha roasta. MIL.WAUKKIS 18 AU RIOnT. It is strauge what stories will get circulated abroad. For instance, it has , .-.Ippg been croaked about the country <niar Milwaukee is not a good newspaper toVita. And yet it is a custom in Milwaukee upon cach holiday for a brewing company to teave a keg of beer at each daily newspaper office. And there are thirteen breweries in Milwaukee.?Milwaukee Journal. A CURB. "There, if you haven't brought home j another dog." | "Certainly, my dear. Don't you like dogs?" i 'Like them! John Henry, you know I hate dogs. If I had my way I'd have evorgjast one 'cm killed." "Well, if vou did, rd like to know whore thoy'd get virus to cure hydropho.bia with. That's all a woman knows bout science."?Chicago News. AM TJN DBS III A.BI1U PROTECTOR. "AU is over between Qeorge and myjfltf," said Clara, as she sank wearilj into a chair; "I cannot trust my future gj$ happiness to such ft man. I shall write hp. him at once that we must part." Wt*:' "What; is the trouble?1' I ^mst ^i^;to*dsj and h^ wore ear . :.<( >* > J-Tl! . ?{ vf -^v. POSTPONED. "Gentlemen," said a college president at a meeting of the faculty, "we must take means at once to stop the game of football. It is bringing our grand old institution into uisreputc." Just then a great noise was heard outside, and the president demanded the j cause of it. "News has just been received," explained one of the younger professors, apologetically, "that our men have wrested the football championship from Princeton." "Good!" shouted the president, flushing with excitement, "I didn't dare hope it. I think, gentlemen, we had better not be too?cr?hasty in this matter."?Life, so co-:.D. "There is another cold wave coming," remarked Mr. Fanglc to his wife last night." "Where from?" asked the lady. "From the Northwest, where they all come from." vvny uo an tuo com waves come from the Northwest, my dear?" "Oh, because there is so much coolness between St. Paul ami* Minneapolis." ?Pittsburgh Chron Me. THINKS WEI.I. OK T1IE COUNTRY. "Shine 'em uppa?" said an Italian bootblack to Pat, just landed. "Phat's the charge?" asked Pat. "Five centa." "Bcgorra," said Pat, as he seated himself in the chair, "it is a foine counthrv, Ameriky, where a poor Oirishman can get his boots blacked by a gintleman wid goold lings in his ears."?A^ Y. Sun. IIE PITIKD HIM. Newsboy?Paper, sir? Irascible Old Gentleman?No; I don't read the papers. Newsboy (commiseratingly) ? Il'ra! That so? Too bad. My eddication wuz neglected, too, when I wuz a little feller, but I pulled up for it by <join' to night school and learnin' to read.?Bonton Courier. A PRECOCIOUS YOUTH. "What are you waiting for, little boy?" inquired a kindly old gentleman of a street urchin who was watching each passer-by intently. "Waitin' fer a long-whiskered gent smokin' a seegar. Then I'll follcr him an' git the stub." "Do long-whiskered men smoke better cigars?" "Naw. but dev don't smoke 'em so short." ox ice. Ice is kincr. Hark the ring?steel and laughter music bring. Off they go through the snow, jolly skaters?bcllo and beau. Happy boy, maiden coy, plumber, iceman, full of joy; millionaire, lady faire, gliding, whirling, happy paire. Eyes so true, noses blue, glisten, sparkle?pas dc deux. Kick up heels, joyous squeals. Ah, what life the skater feels!?iV. Jourruil. disregarded. Eugenia?Ah, papa, sec what Fred gave me for New Year's?a beautiful ' plaque of papier machc. Stern Parent?I don't care to look at the thing. I thought I told you not to have anything to do with any more mashes? dots and dashes. "I can give you a cold bite," said the woman. "Why not warm it up?" asked the tramp. "There ain't any wood sawed." "That so? Well, give it me cold." TnE song says- "There are no birds in last year's nest." And it is mighty lucky for the birds, too! They would have frozen to death during the present cold spell. "I consider him a bold, arrogant man." "Yes, I know he is now, but he won't be very long." "And why not, I should like to know?" "lie is to he mnrricd next week." I)io Lewis thinks people should go to bed at 9 and get up at 5. The unsophisticated doctor doesn't appear to be aware that it is between those hours that all the fun comes off. A statistician has calculated that a man spends $9 per year more for clothes than a woman. That is easily explained. It is because the man is too mean tu give woman more to spend. Plantation Philosophy for Editors. ?Ycr ken make mo'enemies by doiu1 favors den yer ken by refusin' 'em. El yer wants cr pusson ter hate yer, put him un'er oblcrgations ter yer. Customer (in restaurant)?"Waiter this chicken soup has feathers in it. Waiter?Yes. sah. If yo' want soup made outen chickens dat am old 'nouglj to be bald, sah, vo'll have to go to so?n; odder 'stnblishment. As a train was pulling out of Palmyra a New York beer brewer said to the conductor: "What kind of vines are those, conductor? I have noticed a great many of them since leaving Batavia." "Hop vines," said the conductor. A Washington correspondent swears that but one man on the House Committee on Shipbuilding ever saw a big ' okiv mi*~ 11 -i -i.i tir. i outjj. inut s ait rigut. we want out public men to be independent and unprejudiced.? Cleveland Plain Dealer. Stuoknt?I have been thinking upon the subject o? the alaiming prevalent of divorces, and I almost believe I hav? discovered the cause. Professor (delightedly)?Yes, yes; what is it? Student?Marriage. "Mamma." said a little girl, "what u that man doing over there on Mr. Thorapsou's porch? lie has been sitting on the steps l'or two hours and a hall and hasn't moved." "That, my child, is a bouse painter. lie is painting Mr. Thompson's house by the day." "You know that stylish Lily Wildcap who visited us last summer?" ask* Miss . "Yes," replied her friend. "Well, she's married." "Did she make a great catch?" "I should aay so. She taught a widower with ?75,000 and AUI 1/1 ? <*?* .?.1~ MJ vuaw vwiiuivil. A UU J UUU^COb WIUIU caught the measles at school, the oldest caught the scarlet fever at Sunday school, the second caught the whooping cough, the husband went to Montreal and caught the smallpox, and Lilj nuncd all of them and caught all of , thorn.? v.. > ? . . , ?** ?"v ^y' / v"-'' " ,-V/" v-r '' ' " v Palmetto TUAQ i ivrwa iviVs^JiEi I I II of the largest SALOON in tlio up-country, don' advertisements. The half is not mentionod ii prepared for fall trade. The Palmetto House is1 Foreign and Domestic tlio best the market affords. He has got! Rye and Corn, Irish an Apple, Peach, California and French Poi lie can cheerfully recommend his goods t< mixed drinks with all the DELICIOUS liEVElti 1'ERA.TE DRINKS. His specialty is a largo stc GENTLEMEN'S RESORT. N and you will not forgot again. A Good Line of Tobacco a Beer a Sp< CUNNINGHAM & 1TAVR TV S TMr Larp and fell [ FALL AND WIN Consisting in 3? Foreign and Dome; 3S3" O T X- < HATS, HATS, HA BOO1] HARDWARE, HARDW Groceries, Groceries, 4 Crockery, O At Lower Priccs than they were Ever OfT< :PAVIIJO?M HOTt-L CIIULICSTOX, S. E SI (First Class t?n all its Appointments. P RATES, S2.00, S2.50. Excellent Cuisone, larjjo airy rooms, Otis " Pasaentrer Elevator. Kloetrin bell and lights. ' Heated rotunda contrail}' located. I Oct. I. 'o4-tf 21 , 0ENTRAL HOTEL, Mrs. M.W. THOMAS, Proprietress Broad Street, Augusta, Oa. 49 JgXCHANGE HOTEL, Gkeenviixe, S. C. The Only Two-Class Hotel in the World. AV. R. WHITE, Proprietor. 4 DINNER HOUSE, ? greenwood, S. C. Kept by Mra. F. G. PARKS. Chenp rates. First-class faro. June 15th, 1882-tf. Ill T. P. TIIOM8ON. J. W. THOMSON. fJMIOMSON & THOMSON, Attorncys-at-Law, ? Abbeville, S. C. i^~Oflico in roar Mr. Lee's. A June 8th, Jb85-tf. 100 [n QALHOUN & MABHY, Attorneys and Counsellors at Law, Abbeville C. H., S. C. P< Office formerly occupied by .Judge Thomson. tf-.ift a UOBT. II, IIEMPI1ILL. W'M. P. CALTIOUX. JTEMPUILL & CALHOUN, Attorneys-at-Law, Abijeville, S. C. Will practicc in tho Courts of the State. ^ 54 ? 52 0. W. PBMUN T. P. COTHKAX. ^ pERRIN & COTHRAN, Attorney?-at-Law, * ABSBVxllk, 8. 0. I > I Saloon r SAN, Proprietor t t intend to dupe his customers by false. 1 the throe Abbeville papers. lleis well] ivoll stocked with everything in the lino of Wines and Liquors, Liquors nine yoars old. Good old d Scotch Whiskies, ( l Brandies, 11 :ter, Ale and Fresh Lager Beer.1 ^ 3 the public for MEDICINAL USE, mid' * UJES of the season. Also COOL. TEM- ^ >ck of PUltE GOODS, Cull at the 0.4 WASHINGTON ST, o THOMAS McGETTIGAN. Oi nd Cigars. Budweiser ecialty. 47 TEMPLETON 1 TORE Selected Stcsl of ITER GOODS, , 'art oi stic Dry Goods, c DNS, n TS, PS AND SHOES ARF, HARDWARE, Grroceries, rockery, Crockery. ired Before. l-tf-22 ND9RSED BY WP BETTER AND j CIENTISTS AS J^feCHEAPER THA. Ia RAGTIC ALLY l||pjfe ANY MestrnctiDIe STONE. Over 500 l^ll wl Send fo1 th Beautiful mp|n w||Price List Designs. Circulars -i MANUPACTl1 RRD BY ^ I monumental bronze company, B^I 1X3 E POUT. CON IT. 188 > ^ AT TIIE ientennial Saloon ? flFor this year will be found J ' , Absolutely Pure Spirits* kl h t< hj el irth Carolina copper distilled Corn, Finest m brands of Kentucky Rye, from *E at $2 to 86 Per Gallon. fb, ajortei Cognac Brandy a Specially, ALSO les, Porter, Champagnes, &c. fact all the popular and standard goods that can be obtained. Together with an assortment of Tobaccos and Fine Cigars that can not be excelled in quality. arams needing such goods would not be humbugged by buying from them. The place is second door from Court ouse. O'DONNELL & CUNNINGHAM Proprietors, ABBEVILLE, S. jan 14-tf 21 j LXjL the new shades in Hats and Bonnets with Ribbons, Birds, Flowers, Batins id Velvets to matob. I B. M. HADDON & CO. ?UGENE B. GARY, ttftrney and Counsellor-at-Law, Abbktiui, 8. o. % * ..l.v'v,".. , GOODYEAK Carriage Repc "IAN" RE FOUND THE LARGEST STOCK OP J PluGtotii ft can Cart*, Plantation Wajjons fnl' si7.es, 1 t< !nra(.'R? Saddles. IVIIinir, !efdh??<- of all kinds, Wa<jon ATm drly day* J will OPFKR SPECIAL B.\ROAlN8 IN A LOT IKS at. less linn Manufacturers' Prices. Those Bu?;?ios a rn mnk(?: wliieh I will "iiarnnloo equal to tho boat. Call incc yourselves that tlioyaro absoluto bargains, A. R. GOODYE (Successor to R. II. May& Co.,) OPP. GEOR | ADGDSTA. BEOW DAY & TANN Arc Now Receiving a Fine As GARRIAGES AND B! Jt UJtt X.ti.fci ?Jf?tllNV3T "1 AT PIUCI^S TO SUIT TI Und Never Beiore Attained in the E! .? e are enabled to give our customers every advanta: at tlie closet possible cash prices. Call an CHILDREN'S CARRIAGES IN G The finest assortment of HANDBAGS and SATCIIE JUNKS, WHIPS and UMBRELLAS. THE WILSON. CHILD'S & CO.'S PIHLA. WAGOI TENNESSEE WAGONS, 1. 2 and 4 Horse. DAY & TANNAHILLL'S ONE AND TWO HOUSE EXPRESS AND DELIVERY WAGOKS. AXLES, SPRINGS, HUBS. SPOKES. &c. RUBBER HOYT'S LEATHER BELTING. The best in the vr LACING. RIVETS, Etc. OAK and HEMLOCK SC CALF and LINING SKINS, LASTS, THREAD, CK HARNESS and SADDLES. WE CALL PARTICUL ARNESS DEPARTMENT, IN WHICH WE EXCEL DAY & TAN 43 WHITE BROT Woul?". cull the attention of buyers to a Fow Specii DRXiSS 38- ? unusually large and attractive. They have the cheapen ive ever offereu. They havj also some handsome Colored Jtment of Black and Colored VE-jVETEENS tor Dresst nice line of Wool Laces in all colors, the latest thing for Their stock of BLACK CASHMERE cannot be sur tusual care in the selection of these goods, and are assur color, quality and price. A good line of JERSEY JACK] It would astonish any one to see how very cheap FLAJ> is season, Buyers in this line would do well to examine ^ATHITE BROI CARPETS are so vory cheap as to be in the roach o ARPET8 and RUGS can be fouad at the t-tore of WHIT The above are only a few lines in which Special Bargai The General Stock of Fall and Winter Goods now olfei WHITE BROT i the largest, bo-t assorted, aud more attractive than they ete in all departments. The Human Eye and S JOSEPH Sll OPTICIiS uperior toany other in nse, constructed in accordance wi1 f nature in the peculiar form of a UONCAVK-CONVEX > the organs of sight, and perfectly natural to the eye, aff> > the human vision ever invented. [ (IfT TTIIll HAS ETABLIS! \ 11 If K K SPECTACLE AM) EYE G1 I. 1)111 V JUII IN THE CITY OF tid is traveling at this time throughout the State of Georj aown his Theory and Practice, and at the same time introd is Speotacles h ive been t ied t?ey are spoken of in the h istimonials will c irtify; the origioal and many others c is rooms. He at the same time wishes to be undent* ood inir nuaeks who merelv sells vou a nair of irlnsses lit ex< tay never see a?ra;n. He has established in Ausjnsta, at pi i case you should happen to lo3e or break your glasses, hu t H small nominal sain, ns it is liia custom to keep a .eyist leu him to k.iow ju*t the jjiass you have purchased from om such men as Judge Tot le, Govenor Colquit, Genera sepU, 0,1885 CLOTHING! CLOTHING! miller Brot tu < ' -.'.'.fJtji'.Vi'toJ >sitory. CARRIAGES, BUGGTES. r> 0 ho-efi.) Sinplo and Double torinl. <fc<v. fee. For tiio next OF 0"F.N AND TOP BUG ro nil Film Northern nncl EfUJtuud oxtnnine them mid conAT?, Ag-ant. GIA RAILROAD BANK. 1T i I FACTORY. 703 v\ /I Ellis Street I 42 IAHILL, sortment of t a cr* <r* ills Si it? 7RADE, IE TIMES ! tory of the Business ?( by purchasing our gorxi (1 be convinced. REAT VARIETY. LS ever brought to the city. all sizes. : WAGONS. : BELTING and PACKING, orld. >LE LEATHER. ME NT, Etc. Alt ATTENTION TO OUR , IN QUALITY and PRICE. NAHILL, Augusta, Ga. HERS ilties: Their stockof 30DS t lino of BLACK SILKS they bilks. They have a good asss and Trimmings. Tney have uue Dross Trimmings. passed. They have bestowed ed they are all right in regard Ifi'l'S, cheaper than ever before. iNELS ami BLANKETS are the stock of rZHZZEIRS f all. .V good assortment of E BROTHERS. us can bo had. ed to the public by HERS, have ever carried. It is comsep.30, H>?i?-2m. pectacles. LVER, LM. th the .science and philosophy ELIl/SES, admirably adapted ording tho best artificial heip HLED A LASS EMPORIUM AUGUSTA. t?ia for the purpose of making ucing these Lenses. Wherever littlest terms, as tho following an bo neon and examined at I that he is not one of tho trav- _ jrbitaut prices and whom yoa esent, f,4H Broad Street, where will JrcplAco tho same for you i*r of all ho selU, thereby enahim. Theso testimonials are 1 Gordon and a host of others. CLOTHING! Z at the old gent above in a ,sn't he with his pants all und no fit? My friends do ill to avoid getting into just scrape? Then when you p your mind to buy a suit of come right along to our nd have your mensure taken /c your clothes made to orthc very best LORS IN THE COUNTRY. en if they arc baggy and t, just say to us "send theso right back, I don't want nd wont have them." Morec would not let you keep ursclvcs if they did not fit iVo nrc not working for a fall >ut a trndo we can by giving i.itisfnction hold in the fuSeinembcr our motto is 4'no &y. i are youre truly, U.ers? .; ' ' ' . >< . S'i* V . ? .<