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TW? BOLL AUS PER ANNUM. ?> VOLUME 8. -!.''> VW "-*-rm-T t? *.vf?*.* ?4< HrA .nosJuH-t u od j '.lJW aar, Lea ?ri? ol ??lion? j H .teruft .A .0 p8 to ia\aK boJra'e ?4 AitrnJilsV.* aaT \ez MMtihfe e??n>i*ftJiv GOD J?_jN?CE>-'- OUR COUNTRY. e; ?! ifouriO '? ajfnf * i' .?r/>d Dwffq?u*1? -li- ;I? r ?>?? .0o>aet wcfi ^Ingtjfi ?i-'.-i istr Jk.Io yd t^' ?w a'via'w iawi /v ? jaola ->ar9:p $4 i'as'> hu* i .? tum fe* vi?; wo ?di T<i ua?o .atfjc ii / SATURDAY MORNING, MARCH 28, 18T4. la* A 3 Vt'.'f'VJW ALWAYS IN. ADVANCE. *? 1 1 ' iluhn*^*'* ( iwif? Wo ?SflffWV tfjtfj <>0? 73?BTOT1 CM"*** ffi THE GMNGEBURG NEWS ?:o:? PUBLISHED AT . OR^LjNTGrEHTJPLGr Every Saturday Morning. BY THE ? 4RANGEBURG NEWS COMPANY TERMS OF SUBSCRIPTION. One Copy for one year. $2.00 ' " ?? Six Months. 1.00 Any one lending TEN DOLLARS, for n Club of New Subscribers, will rccelvo an EXTRA COPY for ONE YEAR, free of ?karge. Any one sending FIVE DOLLARS, ?r a, Club of New Subscribers, will vcccive on EXTRA COPY for SIX MONTHS, froo o arge. ?:o:? RATES OF ADVERTISING. I Square 1st Insertion. Si.50 " " 2d ** . 1.00 A Square consists of 10 lines Brevier or ?ono incb of Advertising space. Administrator's Notices, .$5 00 ?Hoticen of Dismissal of Gunrdians, Ad ministrators, Executors, kc..$9 00 Contrnet Advertisements inserted upon the aneit liberal terms. ?:o:? MARRIAGE and FUNERAL NOTICES, vet exceeding one Square, inserted without ?oharge. Terms Cash in Advance, -^Ba W. PERRY MURPHY, ATTORNEY AT LAW, 1M1AXC1XYII.T.K, S. C, Will practice mihe CourtR-of Orange $mrg, Collelon and Barnwcll. fob 7 Hm Drs. D. W> Barton & Thos. Legare, Tfavrng nnitcd themselves in the practice ??f MKDICINV. under t.lic nnmo of KAHTON Jc LEG A RE. Offers ?heir profess;<:*x\ service* t<? the "Town of Orange-bur/ cinJ surrounding ?Courttry. OJIire hourj fro in 8 to 0^ A. M. aud 7 to ?1 ?tjaight-, t'tHc- M.trkrl Strict Iwd doors Uclow .1. 81. Hainiiv?*? .''tore. de&SP 1873 mm K. TAB Kit, LENVISVILLE, s. c, (ST. MATTH BWS I*. 0.,) June 5 187:; tf If you have no Land, ro Bfcuy at much ns jou want on EASV TERMS at the LAND OFFICE of AUG. B. KNOWLTON. nov 10. tf If jou have Trlorc IjU?4. than yen can PAY TAXES on, Register it for ??1? at the LAND OFFICE of ' AUG. B. KNOWLTON. ?? If you have I<chs land than yen want, BUY MORE at the ; "LAND OFFICE of AUG. B. KNOWLTON. XjAJSTD .A.GrENT The Undcrslgned has opened an OFFICE for the SALE of LAND. Persons having. REAL ESTATE to dis pose of will do well to register the sume for silo, LARGE FARMS subdivided and sold in ?ither LARGE or SMALL parcels. GO?D .FARMS for sale at from $2 to $u per aero, cn easy terms. AUGUSTUS B. KNOWLTON, Orangehurg 0. II., S. C. nov 16 f J. FELDER MEYERS, Till A I, JliSTICJS. OFFICE COURT HOUSE SQUARE, Will give prompt attention to all business I entrusted to b'm, mar 20?tf "**y ? ?? ? - ?-- - Browning1 & Browning*, ATTORNEYS AT LAW, ORAIVClEIiUflU C. M., So. ttjk, Mai.coi.2t 1. Bnowmsa. A.. F- -Bbownino. ?ov-4 AUGUSTUS B.1N0WLT0N ATTORNEY AND COUNSELLOR A T LAW, ? OBANGEBIIBO, S. C. J?n> 8 t. tf ._,_D_,_ W. Xj. w. biley . TRIAL JUSTICE, w6 iidencQ in Fork of Edit* to, ..lit BU8INESS. ENTRUSTEDv will be oriniptly and carofully attended to. A Night of Horror. It was night when I arrived home. There vras nomothing so provoking in tho darkness and uttor quiet in which I found the premises wrapped thai I de termined to give a lovely surprise ; but nature, appealing to me on a vital point, I dropped into the diuing room with tho view of refreshing myself with a bite of cold joint by way of preliminary. Striking a ligh*?, I found that my wants had been anticipated, for there ou the table lay the remains of a repast ? breast of chiokeus, cakes, 'ehee.se and what not. 1 Icing sharp set, l pitched in, a glass of cold porter materially assisting the process of indigestion. All at once my oyo caught sight of a meerchaum upon the mantle. N<>w there is nothing wry alarming in a moor chaum per sc, but when the uicercl'.autu is the property of a stranger and is found upou out's prumis-s during his ubaence, it becomes invc>tod with an importance which it could derive from no other circumstance. There is also a paper of Turkish tobacco. 'The fellow has a taste, at all events,' arid L, aud I filled and smoked, drank a burner aud cogitated. Now Maria knows I am not in the least jealous ; knows it had never entered my head to suspect her of any impru deuce; but this, to say the least of it, had a very .suspicious look about it. but nevertheless 1 drank again. Yet I pro tested I Was not jealous. At that, mo ment I started and ?prang to my feet as if at the touch of an elec ric battery, for <?i the settee in tho corner lay an im pudent looking bat and cane, and oven a pa:r of gloves! To smash tho hat into Miiithereeos, to tear the gloves into >t ?gutem*, to snap the cane iuto flinders was di nc iu a moment. I took anot her Lumper, aud folding my arms, glare! majretieally uruUtl'h Not til it [was jealous ! U ! dear no ! 1 resumed my Heat and- pipe, to ci ig hate dvtr of courso the pr. coed tire when I rccieved nuotne sho k. My Cye bad aliiih'cd upi-n a note which had fallen under, the .table. Itw.i.a feminine hand 'Dear Charlie.' it ran, 'lJm so gla l you've arrived. Sammy's away. Don't stand upon ceremony. VVC'|| have such a nics tiuu! Cold In nth und all agroable. Come over at once.' . Sammy's my name. 'Perfidious wo man ! ? It is thus?' I threw it into the fire after stamping on it. I fortified myself with another glass, took off my stockings, and started up stairs On the way I tumbled over n stiange cat in the kitclicu. In my ascent I suppose I must have made some noise, for a strange dog set up a furious yell in the back area It may te as well to prepare for con tinge n cies, I reflected, as I ro-entered tho par lor with a view to possessing myself of a poker. Dark as it was. I secured the desired object, and was retreating, when I fancied somebody came in on tiptoe. Holding my breath, dodged past him, and crept up stairs like a thief; not that I was jealous but only to see what was going on. After a pause, during which I could count the beats of my heart, I tried the bedroom door. It was not locked and was dark within. A gentle snore?not a rough, exasperating, re.;k less thing, but more of a musical moan ?came from the bed. 'She is a Bleep',' mused I; 'the step of a stranger's- toes was the tread of a cut. Poor Maria! bow could I so wrong you V I disrobed and slipped in bed. 'Charles, ? how long havo you boou !' raid a feminine voice. Gracious goodness?it was that of a stranger ! a cold Perspiration broke over me as I reflected upon the horrors of my 8>'.uation. The houc I had purchased was one of a pair whioh had been built exactly alike, aud coming home fatigued and sleepy direct from the cars, l must have entered my neighbors mansion instead of my own ! 1 pounced upon the floor. 'Excuse me, dear,' I whispored, 'I think I hear burglars.' ?Wliat?again? I think you must be mistaken.' I'll go and sto said I, and huddling on something 1 groped my wuy to tho stairs, descending them with a cold feeling oil tho way down my back,and crept into tho baaomoUt. Thero I made another appalling discovery?tho clothes I had put on wero somoboly else's and not my own 1 Safe on the sidewalk I glanced up at the house from which I had escaped? thinking how should I manage to return the borrowed toggery. And it was my house, after all! Resolved on an explanation, I rung the bell boldly. I bfard tho tip, tippety tip of a pair of well known feet, aud was at once iu the arms of Mrs. b'pivins. 'Why, dou'tyou remember, Sammy's,' she said, in rrplying to my iuterroga tion ; 'I told you brother Charles was coming from tho country with his now wife to pass ? lew days with us. I have given up 3 our own bedroo;?).' Well, bavn't 1 been there and stolen Charles' clothes while he was alter burglars 1 The note to Charlie was sufficiently explained. 1 w ill never bo jealous again. A11 Invincible Hand. HOW FIVE JACKS IIKAT FOUll ACKS. During tho session of the United States {District Grand Jury, a witness was called before them named Scipio Choteau, a half-breod Creek Indian and negro', bright, sharp and intelligent. Ho wa- the last witness to bo called before adjournment that day. After cxatuiua tion, some onu of the Grand Jury wh > knsw him asked hinhii Jl? was the man who bad four aces beaten.' He answered, "Yes. sah; l'se de man.' <WtM you have no objectiou \u telling it?' 'l'se a feared it will get me into trou ble: but if de J udgo is willig,' appealing to the forcmau, 'I will tell it.' ?The Judge consented, than Seipio said: 'You sec T live on the cattle trail from Texas through tho Creek county to Kan sas, and 1 was out on-de road one day, and meets u gentleman ahead a tbig drove q! cattle. 'He Bays 'Old mau do you live in this country?' '1 says, ? Yes sab.' 'lie says, "It's a mighty poor [country llow do y?;ti make a liviu ?' *I says, "Sah. putty good country; w"c has plenty meat au 1 b.ead, and l make-: a good liviu' a 'lie say, Old n.au, do you ever play kcrds!* 'I tfaj-s, 'Yes? sa*h ; 1 does sometimes.' 'He says, 'Would you have any Jobjec tbm to play a little draw?' 'I says, ' No sah.' 'So we gets off our horses- along side do road and sat down, aud 1 pulls out the kerds. Well, in a hort time I boat de gentleman out of sixty two dollars and a half, aud I tought 1 had him; so I puts up a band on him?for I is,do I say it myself, a mighty smart hand at kerds?and 1 knowod be would hive tree jacks aud I would hab tree aces, aud in the draw I know'd he would git the other jack and I would git de oder nee. So be raises a bit, and 1 raises on back, till at last I put up all the money 1 had winued from dc gcmineu and all de change 1 had, and I know'd I had him. Well, in de draw dc gent got do odor jack aud 1 got do other ace. De gent wanted to bet, but I claimed a sight for de money, aud told him I had an in wiucible band dat couldn't be beat. 'He says, 'Ole man, dem is right good britches you is got on; how much did day cost?' 'I says, 'Yes, sab; dey cost mo ton dol lars.' 'lie says, 'T puts up ten dollars agin dem ' 'I says, 'Berry well, sab; but I tells you 1 got an inwineible h ind.' 'He puts up de money, and I holds up my legs and be pulls of do britches and lays dem down. 'Now, sir,' 1 says, 'I told you I bad an inwinuiblo baud, l'se got four aces , 'De gent says,'Ole man, did y?u ever hear of live jacks boatiu' Fo aeos?'J 'I says, I's beard it sab, but I's never seed it; and if you conwiuue ine ob it, do money's yourn ' 'llerry well, he says, laying down one kcrd; 'ain't dat dc jack ob olubs?' 'Yes sab,' I says, 'dat urn do jack of clubs.' 'Ho lays down anodur kord;'ain't dit do jack ob spados?' 'Vcs, sah, dat is de jack of spados ' ' Ho luy down an der; 'Aiu' dat de jack ob diamonds?' 'Yes, sab, dot is de jaok of diamonds . 'He put down auoderaud says, Ain't dat do jack of hearts?' '1 says, Yes sub, dat am do jaok of hearts.' 'Dens he runs hi" hand in bis bosom and pulls ouL a great long pistol and points it at me and says, 'Ain't dat jack haul?' ^|-95 aeo*!^' 'I says, 'Y>'*, 'stih.' 'And be says,' 'Ain't dat five jack and don t dat win dc money: 'I says, ' Yc$ sah, dat is .lack ITaul, and dat is fi<?e jacks', and fivo jacks beats an iuwincible ban 1.' ?So be puts'de money in bis pocket and ties my britches on bind oh his sadillo, uud tells me to scatter?.ind I did. 'You see, it s'ertrea mo right, for T tought de man was a green Missouriun when I put up de band on him; but he was a Arkansaw cba p and I finds <lein mighty sharp, Judge.' Tho abr.vo is vouched for by the tore man and sevoral uismbcrs of the Gran 1 .Jury as a fact.?every word of it.? Furl Smith Herald. A Narrow Escape. i \ - Q'tjUl hvt3 if**i ?O r.' tTSt*C'St^),}t^Kr |*r>l:1Q , ?eToro Wichita, Kansas, had realized its hopes of securing a per mnnent placo upon tho .map?so long ago, in fact, as the spring of 1871?a CCQtlcuiau registered his jiatno at the I/arris House, and announced his inten )ti of stopping a few days in order to fta the country, and perhaps to buy >me land iu the neighborhood. After d%iner ho sought put the lar.dhu'd, and made a special request that, as he was an Eastern man in search of experience, ho might have a buffalo steak sorved lor, hisbreukfast next morning. 'B?ffalb steak!" 'Yes. It is obtainable, isn't it? You can get it hero? I'd be willing to pay lor any extra trouble,you know.' 'Oh, no troubio. Fact- is, I've not been able to'^fifc nuy tbing chic lor a wjUsfc. or two past, j I was just going to apolo gize for having given it to you at diu ucr.' The. Eastern man looked as if he thought himself sold, but still * tu-; k t> his retjuest, because hti wanted to know how buffalo meat tasted when he was not wre.-tliug ivitli it under tba false im pression thai it was Texas e >w. And then, finding (he landlord sociable (Jbr no m ire genial host than K ?uso ever made hii house pleasant for hi.s guesti at his own lo>s,,l he asked if the town wasijuiet and orderly. 'Oh, yes, perfectly so. You Kasto.rn men fancy that we are overrun with dc.-patadoes out here, hut you'll lind |. Wichita just as t caccful as a man could wish.' At this point the conversation was brought to a closf. by the irruption of a party* of noisy men, of whom the land lord explained to his guest, as be we.it to attend to them, that they wore 'so ne of (Jurlcy Marshall's boys.' 'And who is Curley Marsha 11?' asKed tho Eastern man of a bystander as he sat down iu a vacant chair. 'Cuilcy is one of our celebrities,' was the reply. 'He is to Wichita very much what J'ulfalo Dill is to Abiluue. Fine fellow he is, too.' Dut 'the boys'approached, and the by slander incideutly moved away without tini.-hing his eulogy, while the new comers .ntrrouuded the sitter before be wus fully aware of the situ ition; and then be thought that be would not seem iu a hurry to get away. When, how ever, two of them began to practice broadsword parries over his head with loaded revolers of the 'navy' pattern,be changed his mind about the order of hi.s going, and slipped out froat between thctn just as 'Long Dan,' growing tired of the fun, cocked his revolver, and leveling it at bis friend's head, said briefly, 'Git out ol this! That's the door.' The other 'weakened'a mo ueut aud looked at Dun doubtingly. '1 mean it, by G?d! You git, or I'll plug you'.' lie did 'git.' There was laughter Irom the boys a Dnn looked grimly triumphant and in vited them into the bar?room ou his 'about.' 'Come on, strangur!' said ho to the Eastern man, seeiu.: that tho latter did not start forward. Hut tho Ivu eru mau asked to bo excused, pleading thit he didn't drink. 'Don't drink? You won't drink with me? Do you mean to insult me, stranger?' ?No, sir, uo?surely not. But L never drink.' 'Look here, stranger! I don't like a man to say that he's too good to dri.ik with me. I'm Long Dan Cowee;' and the speaker looked dangerous. Tho Eastern man thought he had: better drink. He lugged last in the crowd, howo*?r, and,,satisfied that hi? absenco would not be noted, stole out of tho baok door and hung round behind the kitchen until, ?the boys' should have gone. Presently be thought he beard them in the street, and looked round the corner of the house to;8ee. There came a bright flash, right in his face, a report, and a handful of shot rattled against tho fence noar him, while with a yell 'tho boys' went on down the street, discharging their ro- j volvcrs in the air. Will You go to Bed. THE TKOCBLE THAT A DRUM lilt FELL INiO. ti tl . TIIK WKHTERN MODE OF CJETTINO MAR RlED.AKl) HOW HE FOOI.KD THE I.ADY i 91|: ' f At Hig Creek, Arkansas, they have a peculiar custom w hich sometimes proves embarrassing. Aw there is no preacher within thirty,miles, the way for mnrry ing is by kissing across a table. Recent ly a New York drummer was out here. He put up at private house, and became quit intimate. One evening he was fooling around ono of the girls, general ly trying the extent of her sweet temper when she gave bis wbihkers a pull and ran. He followed. She got the table beiwcM] them. Wheu out of breath ho slopped on the other side; making a wild plunge, caught her in his arms and gave a hearty kiss. She than sat down on tho sofa, and they talked pleas autly lor,a" couple of hours?he think ing it singular that she .should sit up aq4I Mo: : . " At last she said, 'Don't you thiuk it's about litte went to bed?' 'I guess you are right' he remarked: dot's go.' She lit a candle, nnd be Wn? ahout to do the c, when shu sai I, 'I rc:k<m one's eno igh. One caudle will light two f.lk> t'i bed.' j 'Ulidoubt ally it woul 1 when tho?o ?two p:o|)le occupied the same room. , Hut ymir candle will u >t iliu niuate my chamber.' Ain't wo poin^ to occupy the same roi'tn? Ain't we married.'' 'Ain't we what? shouted the gentle man. 'M arried! Didn't you kiss mo across tho table ? That married us.' h cold sweat sprea 1 over tha drum mer. He knew that if he said he wasn't married to her she would make an out cry, and then her loving aud much to hacco consuming father would ari.ie iu his wrath and carve him into cutlets, and her brothers would down their shot guns and empty the contents into him him. lie must be strategic He must put her off. So be said. 'Kairrst of your sex, permit me to ro mark that I did not know that kissing aoross the table constituted a marriage ceremony; but I am content. I have never seen one who so completely lillcl my ideal of a bcauliful, sweet, loving, and uiodest woman. However, L would never think of holdilg you to this mar riage until I bad asked the permission of your lather to pay my addresses to you. To morrow, at dinner when the entire fumily are present, I will propose I your fair hand.' This satisfied the lad j, and bestowing npon lisin a fervent kiss, sin went, to \\tx room nud be to his. He packed his car pe -bag, to. k off bis boots, and made tracks for tho nearest l ail road stition; i He didn't feel entirely safe until he reached St. Louis; He hasn't informed his wile of this little adventure. He's afraid she might write out to Arkansos for the facts in the case, and then be might get arrested for bigamy: Women sometimes won't listen to roason, you know; A gcntlemuu was once riding in Scotland b*r n bleaching ground where a poor woman was nt work watering her webs of linen cloth lie a-kod where she ?Tent to church, what she bad hoard on the preceding day, aud how much she remembered. Shi could not even tell the text of the last< sermon. "And what good can tho prcaohiug do y<>u," said he, "if you forget it all/ " ?'Ah, sir," replied the po^r woman, "if you will look at. this wob on tho grass, you will sco as fast as eeer 1 put tho water on it the sun dries it all up, aud yet,, sir, I sec it gots whiter aud whiter-" One of Beau Hicknian's Tricks. Beau oi)co mado u raid od the BhIti lnorc restaurants. He do tor mined to dine well that day, or know tho reason w h y ? ? ^t?^jjf^jr-----2nd asked for the proprietor. ' 'Sir,' said ho, 'I want the tust dianer ydu can give me.' 2{$ga ' 'All right, sir/said Mr. Guyj 'walk in here,' showing him into a neat little private room. ' The Beau ate and drank of the host, and just after he had finished his cup of cafe moir and had lit hie oabana, a nerv;mt entered with a folded paper on a silver waiter, which ho gravely handod to tho Beau. ? 'What is this? inquired the Beau. 'Ho bill, sab,' said the waiter. 'Bill; I don't want any bill. Ask the proprietor to come here.' 1 be proprietor appeared bowing and smiling, ho hoped there waa nothing wrrmg, and that his guest had liked hie dinner. '1 liked the dinner well enough, and the wine,' said Beau Hickinan, 'bat I want to know what this means:' 'That's the bill, sir,' said the* proprio tor. j jiiijfjo bail t- 'i ;*>d--nciisi*$36oa 'Well, I never pay and bills. Iam Beau Hick man. I don't pay anybody . j Besides you have no right to chargo me for this dinner." I asked you for the best dinner you could give mo.' ?Well, Beau, you have rung iu on rhe aud got tho better of nio fairly. Now I'll not only forgive you for this trick, but I'll give yoa $25 if you will play this trick on tbo St. Clair, on the ether ndc of the way?""**0*' Tho next day the Beau fared sump ttidus'y at the St. Clair, and tho scene was rc\<5UUCtod. I The billwaspr.eSented and the proprietor woood up with, 'Beau, I'll givo yoa $50 if yoa will play~ this off on Guy.' 'My dear sir,' said the Beau, 'why d d-i't I call here first? Guy has paid mc S25 to play it on you.' A professor of Cornell University recently published a nuaib*r of hioti x% to -'What to do iu c?<o of accide.it." One of these was a* follows j "If you choke, get down on all fours an 1 cough." One of our neighbors ? Wool wird ? read tili-*, an 1 determined to rem muher it. Bay before yesterday be wis e>ting his dinner aloue, and ho choked upon a piece of beef. Instantly bo got down on all fours and began to cough. Jast (hen, Mrs. Woodward came in, and the impression made upon her by Wood ward's extraordinary attitude and.his harking was that he had suddenly boon attaeked with hydrophobia. So sho first seized the pitcher of water,-and took it from the room. Then she's sut one of the girls up stairs for thi mat tress, which wa-? thrown over Wood ward, while Mrs. Wood ward and the family sat on it and held him d>w4. The madder he got tbo more alarmed was Mrs. Woodward; and the more he swore aud foamed at bis mouth, the more sho insisted on the hired girl giv ing nn extra turn of the clothes line around his leg and tying hi u to the stove. Wheu the doctor came, he pulled Woodward's arm from under the mattress aud bled him, and put fly blisters ou his feet, and promised to come round in the aVening and shavo his scalp so as to relieve hi* brain. When the doctor called that night, Woodward had a orizc fight with hint in the parlor, aud alter sending the medi ual man up to tho bath room to wash the blood from his note and cool bis eye, Woodward went out to bunt for the Cornell professor. Thero will be pain and anguish in that institution of learn ing when Woodward arrives. Ho means war to tho knife. [Mae Adetcr. "Some, years ago," said Old Hank, 'I took u bed bug-to an iron foundry, and dropped it in tho ladle where ths melted iron was, and hud run into the skillet. Well, my old woman naed that skillet pretty steady for the last six years, and bore tho other day she broke it all to smash, and what do you think, ueut lenient, that cro insect just walked out of bis holo where he'd been lying like a frog in a rook, and tuado tracks for his roost op stairs! But by Goorgo, gentlemen, ho looked mighty pale!" What is the difference between a far mer and a bottle of whiskey? Onehus bauds tho coro aud the other corns the husbauds, Mr: Reese, the well known . street preacher, was apcostjd by ,a-would be ff x j,#m trat** be* .biJ'^Ji7 R?* w*1". s11 wag, the other day, with the following quraiottj' * .J .n< ' , * |Do you beliove what the Bible, says about the prodigal sou aul the, fatted calf?' ' ?Certainly T do.' _ twall.'ilf.'cau'you tell me whether tho calf that was killed was a male or a female V 'Yea, it was a female.' ?Howdo you know that?' ?Why, because,' said Reese, looking the ehap ia the faco. 'I soe the male is still alive. Not to be Sold,?Bishop George would novcr have his portrait taken. 'If I were to,' Baid he, 'I would be engraved aud hung in some gopd brother's parlor, aud by-aud-by the good brother would i fail in business or die, and his effects would be put up for public sale, aud . the Toluble auctione r would come across me'in a pile of household trumpery, and, as he held me susponded by thumb and forefinger, ho would cry, 'Now, gentle, men, bore's your chancel your only chance! . perhaps your last chance,to buy a bishop! How much am I bid foe a bishop? Twelve and a half cents for a. bishop! Only a York shilling for a, Methodist bishop! Do I hear any ni?ref Going! going! gone! Only twelve and a half cents?dog cheap?for a Metho dist biihop!' _ i j A New Hampshire clergyman, spend ing the summer for tho sake of his health on Star Island, volunteered to preach in an unoccupied eburoh during his stay . The church wa-:* accordingly oponcd,fflffflm^n^^wa^^r<2d tort 3an owga'ffM season. Hut he did cot learn how highly his. efforts were appreciated Until hi* depar ture, when his magnanimous listeners sent him a bill fo? the use of the church. When a lov dy woman stoops to.offi^a holding, she may be suspected the same as any other public servant. Miss Belle Murray, who ha* boon acting as deputy clerk of tho Circuit Court of McLean County, III., is charged with embezzle mcnt, and her trial is in progress at Bloomingtou. The gate of a faste age?investigiite. Evasion from truth is afliliati ju with f alsehood. The greatest bet that was ever made ?the Alphabet. A man 3f honor respect his wjrd a* he does his bond. 'Yi'U can't do that again,' said the pig to the boy who cat his tail off. The cheapen of lawyers?keeping one's own council. Two Irishmen were in prison ? one for stealiug a pin, the other for stealing a needle. Questionable?when a man marries a poetess, does he take her for better or for verso? It is apparent that a great many children get ou tho wrong traok because the switch has been misplaced. A Chicago clergyman preached a ser mon in a billard saloon last Sunday. He made ninetc> n points. One thing, said an old topor, was never seen Coming through the rye, and that's the kiud of whiskey ono getsnow a days. It is said that two Iowa lovers wil[ sit up half the night with only one chair in the room, but that's easily ex plained to any one who has been there. ?Mono-poets' is the. now name for per sons who write but one bit of a verse aud then die. This isn't tho kind of a poet that sends pieces to the papers. When women war 'gaiost rum and beer, pod close for aye eaoh drinking place; then shall the salty, silent tear roll sadly down eaoh lunoh fiend's faco. It is said that a hallo of our oity gets but three hours' sleep per day during the fashionablo season. An exchange think it is enough for hor intellect. A man was boasting that ho had beeQ married for twenty years and had never giveu his wife a doss word. Those who know him say he didn't dare to. The latest zoological ouriosity is re ported from Richmond, Va?a dog with two tails 1 One of them, however, was an ox tail, and tho dog earned it in his mouth.