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Ob) ?wW-W? >* ?.*?>:! ' ?'?? ?*rW ***** t*< i *f? ' 1*1 5^HrJ<rt,< <' -? n;t?iiuj?aiii p^lnc ,000,58 o*d? imI V> I w ,0OO(?? o*iIt ?c-oi nod f B I La? ?cid o) ?oUcn* ? .tsrW? JL. .0 , ... -..'. ;..., r.' .?^r.d f'.-'jlfyjVJf.'io liud? r ?*r Ol &eic?) ?a? v.'Sanau </cuo> ^^)ir>.tl .AM*?*, ?irfl tJ ?v.1, : );?' i^ulo vd t?.ow Hvi^vr .-'?ei Jaci A ? 4c fjao*? Soneqn sd i'oo bu* jf>*i SB? sj .sickWo ?dl y_d jJ07Q .?UM'd *: ?MM Km *rW? DjOLLAHiS PER ANNUM. > GOD AJlSEE*-'- OUR OO?NTRT. To ose. VOLUME _. ? ?^ SATURDAY JVfg.R^m^MARCH :-28v I8f4^ t*o?. them ?44 .ai*$s ,-,t'o?wi iff aaitiJ X'^?<5*^ ;*J es tail ?vj* #?iz>?3i ?*l ?rtri Ui? r^NSf H ?ttfju?t ^7 i .??so? at#i-.wr9 Vj ?Ural**? mdi mo-/ THJS?JI?NGEBURG NEWS ?:o:? * , . PUBLISHED AT . Every Satnrdny Morning. by the i ^HANGEBXJiiGt NEWS COMPANY TERMS of subscription. One Cdpy for one year. $2.00 " ?'. ?? " Six Month?.. 1.00 Any one sending TKN DOLLARS, for a Clnb'of New Subscribers, will receive nn EXTRA copy for ONE YEAR, free of ?karge. Any one Bending five DOLLARS, ?r a" Club "of New Subscribers, Will receive en EXT&A COrY for six MONTIIS, free o *rg"e. ?:o:? RATES OF ADVERTISING. 1 Square 1st Insertion. $1.80 ** " 2d ?? . 1.00 A Square consists of 10 lines Brevier or ono ineTi of Advertising space. Administrator's Notices,.$5 00 Notices of Dismissal of Guardians, Ad ministrators, Executors, &c..$9 00 Contract Advertisements inserted upon the Meat liberal terms. ?W^iMr1^ u^t Q ' ? ?:0:.? MATtRIAGB and FUNERAL NOTICES, ?et exceeding one Square, inserted without charge. ?:o:? Terms-Cash in Advance, *"<?a W. PERRY MURPHY, ATTORNRY AT LAW, Will practice i?n t lie CourtHoi* Orange ^urg, Colloiou and Hum well. f?b 7 3m Drs. D. W. Bartca & Thos. Legare. Tlavrng nnited themselves in the practice ?of MEDIC INH-2 under the namo of HAKTON A; LEG Alt E. OtTers ?hei'.-- protcssfanal service* 'to tin* 'Town -of -Oirangebiir^ ?hd'fturrouhdihg ?Cowrrtry. -r&Ji> Office b?\iTi f;-o;n 8 1o tl] A. M. and 7 to Otlicv Market. Struct tw<> dijor.s below J. Bl. Hamilton's St?re. deo^ 1873 . ? "_ ' ? ? - ?_ _ mi. V, It TAB EIL Xewisville, s. c, (st. matthews p. o.,) jnne5 1873 tf If you have no Laud, so Kuy as much ns you want on EASY TERMS at the LAN.P ^OFFICE of AUG. B, KNOWLTON. nev 15. tf If you haw More LnndL lu"? yen can PAY TAXES on, Register it 'for sale at the LAND OFFICE of jQFVi.'<: ' AUG.B. KNOWLTON. <'. ?-. >?? If you liuve ILonm L;uid tlinu yea want, BUY MORE at'the LAND OFFICE of AUG. B. KNOWLTON. LAND AaENX The Undorsigncd has opened an OFFICE forth* SALE of LAND. Persons having, REAL ESTATE to dis pose of will do .well to register the sumo for sals. LARGE ^FARMS subdivided and sold in ?ither LARGE or SMALL parcels. GOOD FARMS for sale at from $2 to $5 per acre, on easy terms. AUGUSTUS B. KNOWLTON, Orangeb?rg 0. iL, S. C. si ov 15 f . .. ..w;-... -;-:-1 J. FELDER MEYERS, TRIAt JUSTICE. OFFICE COURT HOUSE SQUARE, Will giro prompt attention to all business ft isatruotcd to him, mar 20?tf Browning' & Browning, .ATTORNEYS AT LAW, ORAJVGERUItG C, II., So. Malcolm 'J> Bnowniaa. .? }I,... .s . .? 2i _ ^ A.- W- # now NINO. "OY i ._ AUGUSTUS B. KNOWLTON ATIOKNEY AND COUNSELLOR .ftfWf t 2' ??ajus > ' ? ' AT LAW, ? e^joiBO, s. c. Jttly S i tf t ,_fti_,_ W. Xr. W. BILEY ilden*?o I? Fork of Edict to, ?II* BUSINESS,JSNTRU8TB;D} rill be ?fjmptly and ?arofully attended to. Oi A Night of Horror. It wan night when I arrived home. There was sorhothing s,o provoking in tho darkness and utter quiet in whioh I . found the premises wrapped that I de termined to give a lovely surpriso ; but nature, appculing to me on a vital point, I dropped into the diuing room with tho view of refreshing myself with a bite of cold joint by way of preliminary. Striking a light, I found that my wants had becu anticipated, for there ou the table lay the remains of a repast ? breast of chickens, cakes,-'cheese and what not. Being shurp set, I pitched in, a glass of cold porter materially assbting the process o( indigestion. All at once my eye caught sight of u mcerchuum upou tho mantle. N>?w there id nethiug very alarming in a incur cbaum 2>cr sc> hut when the uiecrokauui is the property uf a stranger und is found upou out's prumis-s during his absence, it becomes "invested with an importance which it could derive from no other circumstance. Tbure is also a ' paper of Turkish tobacco. 'The fellow bus a tntite, at all events/8Sld I, and I filled and smoked, drank a buiuf,?r and cogitated. Now Maria knows I nrn not in the 1 least jealous ; knows it had never entered my bead to suspect her of any impru deuce; but this, to say the least of it, had a very suspicious look about it but nevertheless I drank again. Yet I pro tested I was not jcul'tus. At .that mo ment I started and sprang to my feet as ifiit the touch of an elec ric b'atfciirj for <"3i the acttce in the corner lay an im pudent looking hat and cane, and even n pa:r of gloves J To smash tho hat into sinithcreeos, to todV the gloves into tiaguicms, to .snap the cane into flinders was di fic in a moment. I tck another j bumper, and folding my arms, glare J Miaji Mh-ully arnuit I. Not ill it I was jealous ! U ! dear no ! , I resumed my heat and- pipe, tu t-ugitatc uvi r of course the pr ? ccetlurt; when I rccieved anotnc sbo k. My cyr had uligh'.cl] ujmn n note which had fallen uii.der. the .tattle. It w.i-:i feminine baud 'Dear Charlie.' it ran, 'lJui t>o glad you've arrived. Sammy's away. Don't stand upon ceremony. We'll have such a uics timj ! Cold lunch ami all agroable. Come ovor at once.' Sammy's my name. 'Perfidious wo man ! * It is thus?' I threw it into the fire r.fter stamping on it. I- fortified myself with another glaRs, took off my stockings, and started up stairs. . On the way I tumbled over a ettange cat in the kitchen. In my ascent I suppose I must have made some noise, far a strauge dog set up a furious yell in the buck arau It mny be as well to prepare for con tinge n cies, I reflected, as I re-entered tho par lor with a view to possessing myself of a poker. Dark as it was. I secured the desired object, and was retreating, when I fancied somebody entnein on tiptoe. Holding my breath, dodged past him, and crept upstairs like a thief; not that I was jealous but only to see what, was going on. After a pause, during which I could count the beata of my heart, I tried tho bedroom door. It was not locked nnd was dark within. A gentle snore?not a rough, exasperating, rosk less thing, but more of a musical moan ?came from the bod. 'She is a sleep',' mused I; 'the step of a stranger's> toes was the trend of a cat. Poor Maria! how could I so wrong you V I disrobed and slipped in bed. 'Charles,1 how loug havo you bocu !' raid a femiuiuc voice. Gracious goodness?it was that of a stranger ! a cold Perspiration broke over me as I reflected upon the horrors of my [ aquation. The bou e I had purchased I was ono of a pair whioh had been built cxaotly alike, aud coming home fatigued and sleepy direct from the cars, I must have entered my neighbors inauaiou J instead of my owu! j 1 pounced upon the flo u\ ?Excuse me, dear,' I whispored, 'I think I hear burglar?..' ?What?again? I think you must bo mistaken.' I'll go and see said T, aud huddling on something I gropod my way to the stairs, descending thom with a cold feeling oil the way down my back,and ereptinto tho basement. There I made another appalling discovery?the clothes I had put on wero somoboly else'.- and not my own I Safe on the sidowalk I gla?cod up at the house from which I had escaped? t^f;?-.- i ?' thinking how should I manage to return the borrowed toggery. And it w:i3 my house, after all! Kesolved on an explanation, I rung the bell boldly. I heard the tip, tippety tip of a puir of well known feet, and wus at once iu the arms of Mrs. Spivins. 'Why, don't you remember, Sammy's,' she said, in replying to my intcrroga tion ; '1 told you brother Charles was coining from* the country with his now wife to pass u few days with ua. I have given up 3our own bedroom.' Well, hnvn't 1 beeu there and stolen Charles' clothes while ho was after burglars? The, note to Charlie was sufficiently explained. 1 will never be jealous again. All Invincible Hand. now five jacks iikat fouh acf.s. During the session of the XJnited States District Grand Jury, a witness was called before them named Set pin Choteau, a hulf-brcod Creek Iudiau and negro1, bright, sharp and intelligent. IIo wa-? the last witueas to bo called before adjournment that day. Alter examina tion, aomo ono of the Grand Jury wh> knew him asked" hinsiUl*-was the^ mau who had four aces beaten.' I He answered, 'Yes, sah; I'sc do man.' ?.Will you Have no objectiou iu telling it ? 'l'se afeared it will got me into trou ble: but if de Judgo is willyi,' appealing to the foreman, 'I will toll it.' ?The Judge conscutcd, then Seipio said: 'You sec T live on the cattle trail from Texas through the Crock county to Kan sas, and i was out ou-dc rdad otto day, MMid meets a gentleman nhe.id a 4big drove o! cattle. ? 'lie says 'Old mau do you live in this country?.1 '1 sayn, "Yes sah.' 'He says, "It's a mighty poor [country llow do yen make a livtu ?' 'I say?, -Sah. putty good country; w"c has plenty meat um 1 b.ead, und L makes n good Ii vi Ii' a 'He say, 'Old man, do you ever play kcrtln!' 'I " iys, ' Ye* saMi ; I docs sometimes.' 'He says, 'Would you have any ]objcc tiou to play a little draw?' 'I says, ' No snh.' 'So we gets off our horses, along side dc road and sat down, and I pulls out thu kerds. Well, in a short, time I beat de gentleman out of sixty two dollars and a half, und I tought I had him; so I puts up a hand on him?for I is, do I sny it myself, a mighty smart hand at kerds?and 1 kuowed ho would hive tree jacks and I would hab tree ncm, and in the driw [ know'd he would git the other jack and I would git de oder ace. So he raises a bit, and I raise* on buck, till at lust I put up all the money I hud wiuned from de gemmcr. and all de change I had, and I kuou'd I had him. Well, in de draw dc geni got do oder jack and 1 got do other ace. De gent wanted to bet, but I churned a sight fur de money, and told him I had au iu wiuciblc hand dut couldu't be beat. 'He says, 'Ole man, dem is right good britches you is got on; how much did day cost?' 'I says, 'Yes, sah; dey coat mo ton dol Inrs.' 'He says, 'T puts up ten dollars agin dent ' 'I says, 'Uerry well, sah; but I tells you T got an inwinciblc h uid.' 'lie puts up de money, and I holds up my le^s and he pulls of do britches and lays dem down. 'Now, sir,' I says, 'I told you I had an inwinuiblu baud. I'so got four aces , ? I?e gent says, 'Die man, d\d you ever hear of five jacks boatiu' fu acoi?'jj 'I says, heard it sab, but I's never seed it; and if you conwinco mc ob it, de money's yourn-' 'Derry well, he says, laying dowu one kcrd; 'ain't dut dc jack ob oluba?' 'Yes sah,' I says, 'dat am do jack of clubs.' 'Ho lays down anoder kord;'ain't d it do jnck ob gpados?' 'Yes, sah, dat is do jack of spades' .' Ho lay down au .der; 'Aiu' dat do jack ob diamonds?' 'Yea, sah, dot ia do jaok of diamonds . 'He put down anoder and says, Aiu't dat do jack of hearts?' 'I nays, Yes sah, dat am do jaok of hearts.' 'Dens he runs his hand iu his bosom and^&u'Hs otjLk great long piBtoi* amf" points it iit me and says, 'Ain't dat jack (haul?' M .> ?. 1 ?And Ho 8ay?,^'rPfi70iack^dr don t dat.win do money7 , - 'I says, ' Ye> sub, dat' is J ack Haul, and dat is fk*)'jacks', and fivo jacks beat's ? ' -? -tii 'A. ' > H ? la 9il> r i'fl fi an tcwinctble nan 1. ?So be puts de monoy in hia pocket and ties'my britches on hind "6b his saddlo, and toils me to scatter?.ind.t ' K'i -w-' *:r>v-^?*I.i?*, 'fit ; u:vr.s! fl\; d.d. ?You see, it served mo rig lit, for 1 tought de man was a green Missourian when I put up de band on him; but lie was a Arkansas cha p and I finds dem mighty sharp, Judge.' Tho above5 is vouched for by tho fore man and several tuJinbors of tho Granl Jury as a fact.? overy word of it.? Fort Smith Jfrmld. im j A Nnrrovt Kscapo. . ,? i ; n^itt is*3 9iew *ai?i One evening, beforo Wichita, Kansas, bad realized its hopes of securing a per mniicnt pluco upon thoM map? so long ago, in fact, aa the spring of 1871?a, gcn'tlcinau registered his ,namo at the IJfarris IIoujc, und announced his inten ?lou of stopping a few days in order to Mc the country, and perhaps to buy Jttpme land in tho neighborhood. After dftiner be sought out the lat .dloi d, an J - *? ?_ ,*?I-,To i *? made a special ^request that, as he was an Eastern man in eearoh of experience, bo might have a bufl'ulo steak served for hisbreakfast next morning. [ 'Buffalo steak?' 'Yes. It is obtainable, isn't it? You can get it hero? I'd be willing to pay j for any extra trouble,you know..' 'Oh, no trouble. Fact is, I've not i been able to'anything o{sc for a T/telt or two past. J I was just goiug to apolo gize for having given it to you at din tier.' The Eastern man looked as if he thought himself sold, but still stu-A to his request, because he wanted to know how buffalo meat tasted ?heu be was not wre-tliug with it tinder tha false i.n prcssibn tliat it was Texas COW. And tln n, finding the landlord sociable (for no m no genial host than 11 m->e ever made Iii^ house pleasant for .j?M guests at his own lu.-s,,) he asked if the town was quiet and orderly. 'OJi, yes, perfectly so. You Kastern men fancy that wc are overrun with despuradues out here, but you'll liud . Wichita just as peaceful as a mau could wish.' At this point tho conversation was brought to a clost. by the irruption of a party* (if noisy men, of whom the land lord explained to bis guest, as he went to attend to thoui, that they were 'so ne of Uurley Marshall's boys.' 'And who is Ourley Marshall?' asKcd tho Eastern niau of u bystander as be s-it down in a vacant chair. ?Cut ley is one of our celebrities,' was the reply. 'He is to Wichita very much what Buffalo Hill is to Abileue. Fine fellow be is, too.' But 'tho boys' approached, and the by slander ineideutly moved away without finishing bis eulogy, while the new coiners jurrouuded the sitter before he was fully aware of the situ ition; and then he thought that be would not seem in a hurry to get away. When, bow ever, two of them began to practice broadsword parries over bis bead with loaded revelers of the 'navy' pattern, be changed bis mind about the order of bis going, and slipped out from betweou them just as 'bong Dan,' growiug tired of the fun, cocked bis revolver, and leveling it at his friend's bead, said briefly, 'Git out ut this! That's the door.' The other 'weakened' a nioneiit and looked at Dan doubtingly. 'I mean it, by (1?d! You git, or I'll plug you!' He did 'git.' There was laughter from the boys a Dan looked grimly triumphant aud in vited them into the bar-room ou his ?shwut.' 'Conic on, stningur!' said ho to the Eastern man,seeing that tho latter did not start forward. But tho Eaa.eru man asked to bo excused, pleading tint he didn't drink, 'Don't drink? You wou't drink with me? Do you wean to iusult mo, stranger?' ?No, sir, no?surely not. But I never drink.' ?Look here, stranger! I don't like a man to say that he's too good to dri.ik with ine. I'm Loug Dan Cowee;' and the speaker looked dangerous. ?*? rJ?he Eastom man thought he had: bVttqf^dfink>i %i?ai joi?wm k(1 V Iieiiaggcd lasti? the orowd, howo*er, And^eatisGcd thut hh) jabsenco would not.> be, noted, stole out o,t tho baok door.aud hung round behind the kitchen .until 'the boys' should have gone. Presently he thought ho heard them, in the street,, 1 and looked rouud the corner of the house to .see. There came a bright flash, right in his face, a report, and a handful of shot rattled against tho fence uoar him, while with a yell ''tho boys' went ou j down the street, discharging thoir ro volv?rs iu the'air. ' , ? V '? - ' iiib ...' -- Will You go lo Bed. THE XliOffBLE THAT A. DUU.UHIt FELL 7" neun?!?* ( t^lNio'/fc1? *i >I .?u???i?r. hi S ...v I fiiad'T" '?'Kl?)'- iiwmfli? THE WESTERN MODE OF OETTINO MAR RIED, AKD nOW HE FUOJ.KO THE LADY ? peanuts *wV mU9>U v ?u w *-*j , '.' f? At Hig Crock, Arkansas, they hare a pecuiiar custom which sometimes proves embarrassing. Ah there is no preacher within thirfy,miles, the way for marry ing is by kissing across a table. Recent ly a New York drummer wits out here, lie put up at private house, and became quit intimate. Uno evening ha was fooling around one of the girls, general ly trying the extent of her sweet temper when she gave his whiskers a pull und ran. He followed. She.got the table between them. When out of breath ho Btoppcd ou the other aide; making a wild plunge, caught ii^r in his arms, and gave a hearty kits. She ihau sat down on tho aofa, and thoy talked pleas anlly for a Couple of hours?ho think ing it singular that .she should sit up ^o into.- ? ^.-r ? '?"???'v. ? -"c At last she said, 'Don't you thiuk it's about tiiL-e went to bod?' 'I guess you arc right'' be remarked: ?let's go.' She lit a candle, nud ho wa* about to do the M'l'e, when the sii 1, '1 redend one's eno igh. On.e caudle will light two folks to bed.' ?I'ndoubt -dly it would when tho<o two p joplu occupiel the same room. 15u' yu.ur candle will u >t illuminate my ? chamber.' Ain't wo goin.: to occupy the same COom? Ain't we married?' 'Ain't wc what? shouted the gcutle man. 'Married! Didn't you kias mo across tho table ? That married us.' A cold sweat spread over tha drum iner. 11c knew that if he said he wasn't married to her she would make an out cry, and then her loviug nud much to hacco consuming father would arise iu his wrath and carve him into cutlet*, and her brothers would down their shot gnus and empty the coutents into him him. lie must he strategic, lie must put her off. So he said. 'Fairest of your sex, permit me to ro mark that I did not know that kissing aoross the table constituted a marriage ceremony; but I am content. I have never seen one who so completely filled my ideal of a beautiful, sweet, loviug, and modest woman. However, L would ucver think of holdiig you to this-mar riage until I had asked the permission nt your lather to pay my addresses to you. To morrow, at dinner when the I entire fumily are proaont, 1 will propote j your fair hand.' This satisfied the lady, and bestowing npon hsm a fervent kiss, shj went to lur room nud be to his. Ho packed his car pe -bag, to> k oft' his boots, and made tracks for tho nearest tuilroad station; He didn't feel entirely saio until ho reached St. Louis; He hasn't informed his wife of this liltlo adventure. He's afraid she might writs out to Arkansoa for the facts in the case, and then he might get arrested for bigamy: Women somitiiues won't listen to reason, you know; ??????? ? ? ?????? A gcntlomau was once riding in Scotland by a bleauliing ground where a poor woman was at work watering her wt;bs of lineu cloth Ho u>ked where she >vunt to church, what sho hud hoard on the preceding day, aud how much she remembered. Sh: c^uld not even tell the text of the last) sermon. "And what good oun tho preaching doy<?u," said he, "if you forget it all?" "Ah, sir," repliod tho poar woman, "if you will look at. this web on tho grass, you will soo as fast us ever 1 put tbo water ou it tho situ dries it all up, and yet,, sir, I sec it gots whiter aud whiTcr." One of Beau Hick man's Tricks. j ?i nifefi (M i ?'si?4 B* ?* *o ?*??; Beau ooco made a raid on the Balti more reatauranta. He determined to dine well that day, or know' the reason why. He walked ln> Gay's saloon and/j asked for the proprietor. "> 'Sir,' said he, 'I Want the bsst dinner y.o!u can eijTOjDw/r ^^>..^ t^sjbfJJBJJ 'All, righ if sir,' js^bi.. }l t. G uyj 'walk, - in hero,' showing him into a n?at little i private rotdivQ t9 "*<M|afll tofol The Beau ate and drank of the best, and just after he had finished his oup of cafe moi'r and had lit bis cabana, a servaut entered with a folded paper on a silver waiter, whioh ho gravely handed to the Beau. ? r?iV, ., ? , 'What is this? inquired the Beau. 'Be bill, sab,' sail the waiter. , 'Bill; I don't want any bill. Ask the proprietor to come here.' 0 M3**j '1 he proprietor appeared bowing aud smiling, he hoped there was nothing wrrmg, and that his guest had liked his dinner. 1 liked the dinner well enough, and the wiuc,' said Beau Hickinau, 'bat I want to know what this means.' 'That's the bill, air,' said the'proprio tor- ] til afe Jmu' t>& jsvJ? ?o-iiitx ^[?^a 'Well, I never .pay and bills, lam Beau Hick man. I don't pay anybody . Besides you have no right to charge me for this dinner;- I asked you for the best dinner you could give mo.' . 'Well, Beau, you have rung iu on me and got tho better of me fairly. Now I'll not only forgive you for this trick, but I'll give you 925 if you will play this trick on tho St. Clair, on the other ndc of the *if.'' The next day the Beau fared sump tuously at the St. Clair, and tho scene was re enacted, i Tha.bill waspre*em\ed and the proprietor wound up with, I 'Beau, I'll give you ?50 if joo w ill play tbis off on Guy.' rag ' My dear sir,' said the Beau, 'why didVt I call here first? Guy. has paid me S25 to play it on you.' A professor of Cornell University recently published a number of hints as to ''What to do in case of eccident." One of these was a* follow* : "Ifyuu choke, get down on all fours an 1 cough," One of our neighbors ? Wonlwird ? read this, an 1 determined to remiiubor it. Bay before yesterday he w?s eating bis dinner alone, and ho choked upon a piece of beef. Instantly ho got down on all fours and began to cough. .Tu it then, Mrs. Woo 1 ward came in, and the impressiou made upon her by Wood ward's extraordinary attitude and.his barking was that he had suddenly boon attacked with hydrophobia. So she first seized the pitcher of water, and took it from the room. Then she a nit one of tho girls up stairs for th-s mat tress, which was thrown ovor Wood ward, while Mrs. Woodward and the family sat on it and held hitu d >W4. The madder he got the mire alarmed was Mrs. Woodwnrd; and the more he swore and foamed at his mouth, the more she insisted on the hired girl giv ing an extra turn of the clothes line around his leg and tying hi u to the .stove. When the doctor ca'mo>, he pulled Woodward's arm from under the mattress and'bled him, and put fly blisters on his feet, and promised to come round in tho sveningand shave his scalp so as to relievo his brain. When the doctor called that night, Woodward had a prize-fight with him in the parlor, aud after sending the medi cal man up to tho bath-room to wash the blood from his nose and cool his eye, Woodward went out to hunt for (he Cornell professor. The.ro will be pain aud anguish in that institution of learn ing when Woodward arrives. Ho mesas WAT to tho knife. [_Max Atlelcr. "Some, years ago," said Old Hank) 'I took a bed bug-to an iron foundry, and dropped it iu tho ladle where tho melted iron was, and had run into the skillet. Well, my old woman aaod that skillet pretty steady for the last six years, and here tho other day she broke it all to smash, and what do you think, goutlcment, that ere insect just walked out of his hole where he'd been lying liko a frog in a rook, and rnado tracks for his roost up stairs! But by George, gentlemen, ho looked triigkf? paM" ? ?.- i 11 in ?nil' -? ? What is the difference botweon a far mcr and a buttle of whiskey? Ooehua bauds tho corn aud the other cores the husbands, < ,tr?oM Kathei'Points' fffeiS M&'pSf ^ about the prodigal son aal tat, fatted calf?' . ?Well, air, can you tell me whether tho calf tlut was killed was aF male or a fetiallr,t*'S,,rfl biatrwft? tar. 'Yea, it was a female.' ? ?How ab you know- that?' r* 'Why, beoause/ eaid Roese,:'ldokiag the chap in the faco. 'I see the male is still ali ire.. ; ' i . : & 1 . ?1 Not to be Sor.i).?Bishop Qeorge would novcr have his portrait taken. {Iff .. ,1 were to/ said he, 'I would be engraved and hung in some good brother's parlor, : ana by-and-by tho good brother, would; fail in business or die, and hia effects would be put up for public sale, and . the voluble auctiouo r would come across me in a pile of housohold trumpery, and, as ho held me suspended by thumb and forefinger, he would cry, 'Now, gentle, men, herb's your chaucol your onl^ chance! ; perhaps your last chance to buy. a bishop! How much ami bid for a ! bistnp? Twolve and a half cents for o>. bishop! Only a York shilling for a Methodist bbshop! Do I hear anymore? Goiogl" going! gone! Only twelve and a half coots?dog cheap ?for a Metho dist bi?hop!' I i 11 '1 Ml? ? Hill i?wj^. Now Hampshire clergyman, spend- v ing the summer for the sake ofhia health on Star Island, volunteered to preach in an unoccupied ehurah during hi* stay.' The. church. '.wa--r ticcordingly, opened",?fc^nany ^w?%nrcd to. tbi?fer''" y\jrfGmw>~-^? ? Jinuip^fl'tKQ season. Hut he did not learu how highly his. efforts were appreciated Until Im depar tore, whan his maguauimou.s listeners sent him a bill for the us* of the oh arch. _1.1 ??, Whon a lovdy woman stoops to.oflia* holding, she may be suspected tho same as any other public servant. Mis a Belle Murray, who has been acting as deputy clerk of tho Circuit Court of McLean ,1 County, 111., is charged with embozzlo ment, and her trial is in progress at Blootningtou. The gato of a faste age?investigate. Evasion from truth is affiliatiDO with falsehood. The greatest bet that was ever made ?the Alphabet. A man of honor respect his ward as he does his boud. 'Yiu can't do that again,' said the pig to the boy who cut his tail off. The cheapest of lawyers?keeping one's own council. Two Irishmen were iu prison?one for stealing a pin, the other for atealiug a needle. Questionable?when a man marries a poetess, docs he take her for better or for verse? It is apparent that a great many children get on tho wrong track because the switch has been misplaced. A Chicago clergyman preaohod a cor mon in a billard saloon last Sunday. He made niueto< n points. One thing, said an old toper, was never seen coming through the rye, and that's the kind of whiskey one getsnow a days. It is said that two Iowa lovers wilj sit up half the night with only one chair in the room, but that's easily es plainod to any one who has been there. 'Mono-poets' is the now uamo for per sons who write but on? bit of a verse aud then die. This isn't the kind of a poet that soods pieces to the papers. When women war 'gaiuafc rum and beer, 1 and close for aye each drinking place; then shall thr salty, silent toar roll sadly down eaoh lunoh fiend's face. It is said that a belle of oar oity get* bat three hoars' sleep per day1 during the fashionable season. Au exchange think it is enough for '-or intellect. A man was boasting that he had been married for twenty years and had never given his wife a cross word. Those who know him say he didn't dare to; The latest zoologioal ourionity is re ported from Richmond, Va--a dog with two tails 1 One of them, however, was an ox tail, and tho dog carried it in hid mouth,