The gamecock. (Columbia, S.C.) 1908-2006, April 30, 2001, Page 4, Image 4
Foreign ^Domestic
Page 4 12Plt (59111 CCOCk Monday, April 30, 2001
Puerto Rico invades United States
BY LAPIZ PLUMA
El Associated Press
SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico — Fed
up with the continued practice bombing
of Vieques Island by the Navy, the Puerto
Ricans rioted this week against La Casa
Blanca.
In the three-day riot, a group of 150
Puerto Ricans, sporting sticks and rabid
dogs, overran the
White House and
declared Puerto Rico
the sovereign
government of los
Estados Unidos.
President Bush
was thrown out of
the Mexicans’ motives,” Bush said, clearly
misconstruing his new government’s
ethnicity.
Bush is expected to be hanged at
sundown. The Puerto Rican governor,
Sila M. Calderon, was named chief
executive in Bush’s place.
“We have conquered your pathetic
country,” Calderon said. “Viva Puerto
Rico!”
Was shot at first sight.
Jennifer Lopez was declared the
national celebrity of America, and a
monument of her ass was erected in place
of the Washington Monument.
The Calderon administration also
gave a governmental blessing to the
meiging of all American beer companies
with the Corona company.
“Estov furioso nnrmip ‘hppr’pt
una palabra mas
corta de
‘cerveza’,” said
John Phillips, a
fomier Budweiser
employee.
Other
mnvpc nf thp
‘Rowdy Hispanics overran the whole White
House. It was like Texas all over again. *
George W. Bush
Former President of the United States
olhce to chants of “Viva Puerto Rico!”
“Rowdy Hispanics overran the whole
White House,” former President Bush
said. “It was like Texas all over again.”
Bush said he was too busy monitoring
the situation in China to worry about the
“itsy bitsy island nation.”
“I can’t believe I misconstruted
I
The American flag was lowered from
all government buildings. In its place,
the Puerto Rican flag was proudly hoisted.
In the first move of the new
administration, Spanish was declared the
official language of the United States.
While Spanglish was seen as
acceptable, anyone freely speaking English
administration include a national
shutdown from noon to 3 p.m. everyday
for siestas and an elimination of Black
History and Women’s History month to
make room for a Hispanic year.
Nationwide, the government called
for U.S. citizens to be renamed with their
high school Spanish class names. Strom
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aturdays, call 7726.
‘We have conquered your pathetic country.
Viva Puerto Rico! ’
Sila M. Calder6n
President of the United States,
former Governor of Puerto Rico
Thurmond will now be known as “Jorge also boasts a large Hispanic population.
Thurmon.” Taco Bell clearly has an advantage
Because Florida is full of wankers, in the new Hispanic nation, but
the state was renamed Miami, a city with McDonald’s, trying to hop on the
a dominant Hispanic culture. bandwagon, has eliminated all its
In addition, the Calderon Americanized food. Instead, the fast food
administration is considering moving the chain is only serving hamburguesas and
national capital to Nueva York, which enchiladas.
Study: children, cigarettes do mix
by Phillip Morris
Disassoctative Press
CLEVELAND, Ohio —
Conventional wisdom has always
preached that cigarettes and babies don't
mix.
. This is proving to be more wishful
thinking than true wisdom.
Why? A recent study systematically
proves that “babies like tobacco smoke.”
It even goes so far as to say "... there
is no wrong age to enjoy the benefits of
a healthy tobacco habit.”
The four-year study, wliich includes
lots of fancy bars and graphs outlining
the results, appears to show that children
as young as 1-month-old can enjoy the
smooth pull of a Winston-Salem, or at
least are capable of second-handedly
enjoying the smoke that was once
considered noxious.
The abstract of the study holds many
agent, including the following news for
parents: “Cigarettes are largely harmless
to your children — enjoy those nice,
refreshing tobacco products, and share
with your kids. Don’t neglect the most
important things in their lives. Prove
that you care about them. As they get
older, give them that chance to try king
size Joe Camels. Let their little lungs
absorb that menthol goodness with every
puff.”
The study even recommends a
product be developed to supply tobacco
to these toking tykes.
Gerber Inc. has come forward with
a form of nicotine diluted into milk and
other healthy ingredients.
Benson and Hedges International
has responded with a variety of chewing
tobacco flavored with strawberry and
chocolate.
Peggy Wistom, mother of four, is
relieved.
“I figured maybe I should cut down
on the Players Regular King-Sized when
Billy came down with the asthma, but
what’s the point? The little bastard is
probably enjoying all my free smoke.”
She paused to cough while chewing
on her yellow-stained fingers. “When
he liits 13, he’s gonna get a job so he can
pay for his own cigarettes.”
Some critics of die study are speakipg
out against its methodology. Some even
say it is “complete and utter bullshit.”
One such opponent to youth
smoking is Izzy Locum, CEO and
Chairman of Cadbury Inc., makers of
famed “Popeye Gandy Cigarettes.”
“This study will irrevocably hurt
my business. What the hell are they
trying to prove? Besides, everyone knows
that smokes are for 13 and up.”
So, the verdict is in.
Why aigue with the scientists?
Enjoy that cowboyesque experience,
and let the future of America decide for
itself wiiether it wants to live in Marlboro
country.
News Briefs
■ Maurice says
he’ll take down
flags, wed Oprah
COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) —
Maurice Bessinger said today he would
take down the Confederate flags that
adorn his restaurants and marry
television host Oprah Winfrey.
“I am a changed man!” Bessinger
said Sunday. “I have found love, and it
has changed my mind.”
Bessinger said he would no longer
sport a white vest and ride a white
horse. Instead, the horses will be the
multicolored Palomino to “promote
the ideas of racial peace and harmony.”
Contacted in New York, a publicist
for Oprah said Bessinger was “out of
his friggin’ mind.”
Bessinger said he had come to his
conversion after reading every book
stamped with the “Oprah’s Book
Club” logo.
“All of those books are just so
damn beautamous,” he said. “I knew
she had to be mine.”
■ Clinton, former
leaders gather to
stage ‘Rocky Horror’
UNITED NATIONS (AP) —
Former U.S. President Bill Clinton
joined other former world leaders to
put on a drag show version of The
Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Clinton and the other leaders,- who ^
included former Russian President ™
Boris Yeltsin and former British Prime
Minister Margaret Thatcher, said the
show was intended to promote world
harmony because it’s an audience
participation production.
Among those in attendance were
Pope John Paul II and Queen
Elizabeth II, who both clapped loudly,
joined in the song-and-dance routines
and threw toilet paper rolls onstage.
Clinton played the role of Frank N.
Furter, originally played by Tint Curry.
Curry praised the former
president, saying, “He’s had much
more experience than I have.”
Puerto Rico’s president, Sila
Calderon, asked for an encore to be
performed at the new Lopez
memorial.
I Brock Vergakis Martha Wright Brad Walters
Editor in Chief Copy Desk Chief Design Editor
mm.-- Msmmm r~——-v* r—-• —
Brandon Larrabee Valerie Matchette
University Editor City/State Editor
—J f M l-'." I-'-!I --1
Michael Ronquillo
Ace Photographer
Kyle Almond Betsy Baugh
Sports Editor Community Affairs
Sean Rayford Aubrey Fitzloff
Photo Editor Asst. Viewpoints l
iCristy Infinger Charles Prashaw Mackenzie Clements
Asst. University Asst. City State Copy Editor
Jason Harmon Jill Martin
Copy Editor Copy Editor
Katie Smith Ann Marie Miani
News Design Spotlight Design
James Battle Mark Yates Aaron Hark
Viewpoints Design N&W Design Ace Photographer V
Not Pictured: Erin O’Neal, Spotlight Editor; Amanda Silva, Spotlight Editor; Jennie Moore, News Designer; Travis Lynn, Photo Editor; Sara McLaulin, Community Affairs
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I hese are the faces behind the newspaper you thumb through passively and then use as an umbrella. I
I Nobody covers USC better, especially during rainstorms. Yep, we don’t get much credit for what we I
I do, so pardon this lame attempt at giving ourselves some exposure. Besides, we’re pretty sure you’ve I
_never seen us before. There’s a good reason for that: We don’t leave Russell House. Even
I **