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The greats No one seems to know just where or how football originated. This could be interpreted that the inventors wanted to remain anonymous, but I am not one given to editorializing in factual columns, speculation is that the inventors* in their foolish zeal, actually attempted to play the game they originated and were, of course, instantlv and nprmnnonMv incapacitated. The game may date as far back as the Greeks, who usually knew better about such things. Plato and Aristotle are said to have been early fans, and their split apparently occurred when Plato repeatedly refused to pick up the bar tab after the game. Things picked up in the eighteenth century when the Marquis de Sade invented the defensive line. With the addition of television coverage and megabuck contracts, football became the atavistic, violent game holding Deer commercials apart today. The rules of the game are simple enough, at least. The object is to throw yourself upon the mercy of 11 mutant monsters who want nothing more than your vital organs in an attempt to get the ball across your opponent's goal line. However, some laws must be kept; for example, arming your offensive line with submachine guns is considered a breach of regulations in most leagues. You have four downs to move the If you are Blood Tyi Negative and would like month for only four hoi Plasma Donor Program to Call 25< Serologicals >1 suaie 1U5 Z71J Columbia, I SEAFOOD RE 549 KNOX ABBOTT DRIVE 800 BUSH RIVER ROAD Oq OPEN 11:30 ?.m.?11:00 p.m. i ?? t ounifc) uy regisi and the Great Gas 100 GALLONS < WILL BE GIVEN i Drawing will be hel< Of WCOS-FM I LOVE Qao+nnroi t f IVUIMUIMI No Purchase Employees Or Fan Complete Se f; Both Regular & GRANDO 239 SPfct SHRIMP CRE< SERVED ON A BED OF RK COLE* OPEN 11:30 LUNCH SPECIALS 21 Item a /%A ?A Y&i 800 BUSH F 7? 549 KNO) \ports explaine ball ten yards; if you succeed, you get four more downs , although by the wildest stretch of imagination I < can't fathom whv Anyone wmilH want them. The game lasts for four quarters, and that's the way your body looks afterwards, maybe even eight eighths. Since referee's signals look like an interpretive dance to something hv Tlfkhiraov tKaro'o nn tvni n f in f MIVIV U 1IV pvuiv 11A explaining them; however, some of the penalties themselves are interesting. "Holding" sounds pleasant enough, but the person you're holding could do a fair impression of a Sherman tank. He wants to go somewhere else. Holding him is not just illegal; it's suicidal. "Unnecessary Roughness" may include anything from giving a downed ball-carrier an extra hit to using the opposing team's quarterback as a makeshift javelin. "Unsportsmanlike Conduct" is usually called when, for example, your team detonates a nuclear device in the other team's dressing room. Football Dlavers have a number of strictly set positions, and each position has a job to do. But enough ] about football players' sex lives; on to the field. QUARTERBACK: The star of the team, because he gets to touch | thp hall nn ovprv nlav (u/Viot oKahJ I .? ~mmm v v v* J |/*M^ \ TVIMAV Uft/VUV the center?). If he gets tackled behind the line of scrimmage (oh, I didn't explain what a line of pe AB Positive or AB i to earn up to $90 per irs each week, join our day. *-6537 Laboratory J Middleburg S.C. 29204 - S STAURANTS I /w'ir'wv [error7ree gifts sol ine Giveaway DF GASOLINE IVWAY SEPT. 18 J durina the niaht : YOU COLUMBIA it Party i Necessary illies Not Eligible . afood Menu AII*U*CarvEat 1 PENING !IAL 2.39 [ OLE DINNER 3E WITH HUSH PUPPIES, SI AlAI IAM-11PM I LUNCH [ ftlad Bar SPECIALS IIVER ROAD (ABBOTT <? >d: football scHmmagp is? ) Nn matter iTaj called a "sack," one of football's cute slang expressions. Sometimes it's called "getting killed," one of football's literal expressions. WIDE RECEIVER: This fleetfooted (in the papers, they're never just "fast," they're "fleetfooted"), sure-handed player has the right idea: at the moment the play begins, he runs as fast as he can away from the place where people are hitting each other. Wide receivers often catch long touchdown passes, which means that in addition to remembering me paiiern, ne nas to rememoer to spike the ball and do a little dance in the end zone. LINEMEN: Linemen are never named "Percy" or "Cyril" or "Lance". Usually they are called "Bo" or "Jake" or "Clint," and when they hit people they make similar sounds. Linemen are tl.miflllv nnrtrnvpH aa Kpino Hnmh but personally I don't believe that. There is so much more I could write about this marvelous game if I really gave a rip, but so be it. To all you little kids out there who want to be football stars-just remember, it hurts a lot, and look what it did to Jim Carlen. Linemen aren't dumb, really. 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