The gamecock. (Columbia, S.C.) 1908-2006, September 17, 1979, Page Page 9, Image 9
The greats
No one seems to know just where
or how football originated. This
could be interpreted that the inventors
wanted to remain
anonymous, but I am not one given
to editorializing in factual
columns, speculation is that the
inventors* in their foolish zeal,
actually attempted to play the
game they originated and were, of
course, instantlv and nprmnnonMv
incapacitated.
The game may date as far back
as the Greeks, who usually knew
better about such things. Plato and
Aristotle are said to have been
early fans, and their split apparently
occurred when Plato
repeatedly refused to pick up the
bar tab after the game.
Things picked up in the
eighteenth century when the
Marquis de Sade invented the
defensive line. With the addition of
television coverage and megabuck
contracts, football became the
atavistic, violent game holding
Deer commercials apart today.
The rules of the game are simple
enough, at least. The object is to
throw yourself upon the mercy of
11 mutant monsters who want
nothing more than your vital
organs in an attempt to get the ball
across your opponent's goal line.
However, some laws must be kept;
for example, arming your offensive
line with submachine guns
is considered a breach of
regulations in most leagues.
You have four downs to move the
If you are Blood Tyi
Negative and would like
month for only four hoi
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ball ten yards; if you succeed, you
get four more downs , although by
the wildest stretch of imagination I <
can't fathom whv Anyone wmilH
want them. The game lasts for four
quarters, and that's the way your
body looks afterwards, maybe
even eight eighths.
Since referee's signals look like
an interpretive dance to something
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explaining them; however, some
of the penalties themselves are
interesting. "Holding" sounds
pleasant enough, but the person
you're holding could do a fair
impression of a Sherman tank. He
wants to go somewhere else.
Holding him is not just illegal; it's
suicidal.
"Unnecessary Roughness" may
include anything from giving a
downed ball-carrier an extra hit to
using the opposing team's quarterback
as a makeshift javelin.
"Unsportsmanlike Conduct" is
usually called when, for example,
your team detonates a nuclear
device in the other team's dressing
room.
Football Dlavers have a number
of strictly set positions, and each
position has a job to do. But enough ]
about football players' sex lives;
on to the field.
QUARTERBACK: The star of
the team, because he gets to touch |
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the center?). If he gets tackled
behind the line of scrimmage (oh, I
didn't explain what a line of
pe AB Positive or AB
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(ABBOTT <?
>d: football
scHmmagp is? ) Nn matter iTaj
called a "sack," one of football's
cute slang expressions. Sometimes
it's called "getting killed," one of
football's literal expressions.
WIDE RECEIVER: This fleetfooted
(in the papers, they're
never just "fast," they're "fleetfooted"),
sure-handed player has
the right idea: at the moment the
play begins, he runs as fast as he
can away from the place where
people are hitting each other. Wide
receivers often catch long
touchdown passes, which means
that in addition to remembering
me paiiern, ne nas to rememoer to
spike the ball and do a little dance
in the end zone.
LINEMEN: Linemen are never
named "Percy" or "Cyril" or
"Lance". Usually they are called
"Bo" or "Jake" or "Clint," and
when they hit people they make
similar sounds. Linemen are
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but personally I don't believe that.
There is so much more I could
write about this marvelous game if
I really gave a rip, but so be it. To
all you little kids out there who
want to be football stars-just
remember, it hurts a lot, and look
what it did to Jim Carlen.
Linemen aren't dumb, really.
W^~
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