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ly A , ' 9 x ' ;-^jf ALL THE DIRT THAT WILL NOT HURT - > c: ; -life"; JUB * ? 'ii This conoootion is dedicated ?# 71 A FI t#ISS W"* ?* r\ w?arm to that prince of snoopers, # //I /O r^l 111/ 1 >ISsHk & ? Bm, ?111 1 I BeinS Amcky we refused to the wee Ferret. t ? [si^, S % Jr WW i 9 I date this on a Sunday. Cal^ 1 ? I\I\L I ^*2? ?u? & & UNIVERSITY OF -jjfc SOUTH CAROLINA Volume X, Code X, Buna X ^^^aggggggaBa^MeaMe^^^=^ =====================--5-??= ===== COLUMBIA, 8, C? CRUDE YEAR S EVE, 1934 H1 . A , ? ' Slaughtered April 1, 1934 Outraj Big Boi ? Plenty Action Promised 1 Puzzling Problems Prove Perplex- i ing To Powerful Political Prognosticators * "Dis ycre Bo's Arts Brawl is going \ to be the ftuts," Ed Salamander, royal boo of the organization, said yestcr- 0 day. "We have gotten the full sup- ' port of brother Miller and before the night is over we will be rolling them in aisles. The younger members of . the faculty have also promised their j support." l' Meanwhile a heated fight has been ^ raging on the campus as to who shall ^ be queen of the ball. Queenie Runt, who was elected last week in a stormy election at the regular meeting of the W. A. A, after she was refused the . support of the Tri-Not fraternity, was denounced vigorously last night by j Ben Woodruff, leading candidate producer in the race for May Queen and jj Professor Joe Norwood's little pal. "The election was as illegal as the one the German club pulled last year," .' he stormed. "Why I cast enough votes myself to prevent the dirty little ^ runt's election and I want to see juslS( ticc done." Woodruff's candidate was ^ Miss Jimmie M. Black. . A new issue was injected into the fight last night at a meeting of the ^ student body when Tooley Gressette _ announced that he was leading the Kappa Spirits Klub in an effort" to ( stamp out "doity" politics on the * campus. He was ably seconded by J. R. Bell, president of the Euphradian juvenile court, and author of the (Continued on Paga I; Column !> E Terror Grips r' Yellow Crew n Cuffbutton . Capsized J Lion Charges Bewildered Staff te Members, Catching Them A Without A Hero h j, Terror paralyzed the crew working on Q, the annual Foul Ferrett Wednesday night when, with belly to the ground a growl- j. ing lion invaded the busy reportorinl rooms. First warning of danger was sounded when Pearl Gray Cuffbutton, dirt j editor, emitted a harsh cry of "traitor." On second sight, however, he changed his cry to "Lion." He was so frightened o1 that his hair turned perfectly white. The menace was almost averted when Cuffbotton threw a few votes in the beast's way. However, the lion merely gapped, and proceeded to double cross w the reporter. (The double cross may be w seen now if you can catch him with his ?' britches down.) The animal's low growl was accentuated by a regular thump- "j11 thump as he beat the floor with his tail. c At this time the whole staff was a melee <>f fainting girls and vote-tossing boys. Cuffbutton tried in vain to hide behind the skirts of three girls, but found that the old full skirt aint what it used to be. c Thus deserted, he tried to hide in a carpet bag, but found that the dust in it suffocated even a dirt reporter. So with a sheepish grin at his tormentor the double- _ crossed, deserted, cufflink rolled out of * sight amd has not been heard from since. Responding to the uproar in the reportorial rooms, our alert Editor, John Dillinger, dashed upon the scene and ^ (Continued on P*j)? It Column I) IT, ?. O. S Demon At Lawh n Referees At Spree lfl' A glass by glass account of the cock- I tail hour held during the recent meeting I ?f the Bah Association was given by Nearly Dierson, who acted as Head- h linesman. According to this authority the w locals won by a shaker afte^ three days o of steady going with only one time- tl out during which the officials went to an o Ice-cream Parlor for refreshments. o This epoch-making event is the best B since he was Chief-Guzzler of the Buf- s< falo Burpers, said Nearly. ^ L L.. . v _ ' ged R 0 Boos Scouts Enfold Teetotal Club Veinifeld Wields Wand otillion Achieves Cherished Ambition After Clientele Concludes Conscribed Conditions Word was received early this triorng that the University Cotillion club id been given permission to become le first campus troop of Boy Scouts, he announcement was made by Prossor Bob Wcinefeld, who will act 1 scoutmaster for the troop. The Cotillion club, which has been ir the past few years the backbone : the temperance movement on the Linpus, has been petitioning for the larter for a number of years and it as only after Ed Sottingcr, Dizzy oger, and Ed Nevergold has succcssilly demonstrated that they could iss the merit badge in billard drinkg that the petition was finally ranted. The test was considered at ic last cotillion and inspectors were ) impressed at the perfect pass the iree made that they recommended le charter be granted. The announcement was greeted with 3th regret and enthusiasm by faculty (Continued on Pane I; Column 3) V. 8. O. Scandal Scares Sion Secretary telle Brashly Branded mbecile Evidences Innocent Slushes In Fell Clutches Of Icy Iceman Convicted of flagrant violation of the [aim act, O. G. Belle, secretary of the ouug Morons Christians Assiety at the 'niversity of Souse Carolina, was senmced to life imprisonment as Maternity dvisor to the Dean of Women at Coimbia College (phone number 7275) by ndge Ben Lindsey at the recent session f the Criminal Court. In summing up the case the Judge had ic following statement to make: "The most fiendish crime heard of since ic days of Jack the Ripper, gentlemen, is been committed by this man, this /olfe in sheep's clothing, this perferter f female youth, this and that. "The eight-year old blue eyed blomde mghter of Wilburn Bleary and Mrs. [oonshine (What does Go on Behind hat Curtain," by Earl Dcrr Biggers), as walking home from Sunday School, hen Belle drove up in his ice-wagon and Tered to drive her home. "Ha ha little girl," he said with glee id a big O. G. Belly laugh. "What say t's go to the Ice Cream Emporium and et an ice-cream sody ?" Sody doing, they drove over The State ne into the Record Office, where they -ere nabbed by Constable Icy, who was oking for a cool spot to rest his case. "Come along, Sheriff," Belle invited, join the party." (Continued on Page ' Column t) " a. o. lives Shatter Quiet Dreams of Babcock "My hives annoy me exceedingly," amplained H. C. Babcock, snappy ancing-master of the University of outh Carolina. "I can't sleep at ight, and they need so much attenon that I can never find time to nish my novel. If it were not that am engaged on a scientific research, would throw up the whole thing." "Anyone who has had three whole ives under his window will agree ith me that there ought to be some ther way of keeping Bees. One day ie hives broke out, and the contents ozed all over the place. Thousands f flics buzzed around, all trying to lee first at the honey. The little insets got on a limb, and the buzzing -as terrific," he continued. lunner t s Bo's Scout Master 1 i c < < c 1 I < 1 I I I < Professor Bob Weinefeld, who was ' recently selected scoutmaster for the ' Cotillon club. ( Taker Pound Low 1 In Spirited Fray Dead drunk on the floor of the geology laboratory, the bottle which , brought forth this sad plight , clutched in one grimy hand, Dr. , Stephin Labor, head of the department of geology, was recently discovered by Dr. Taker, president of the University. j "Here, Stephin," Dr. Taker muttered, grabbing him by the shoul- \ der. "You shouldn't get drunk in j the laboratory. Mr. Seibles won't ] like this." 'T'hell with Shcebles," Labor ; grunted. "I never did like dat mug i anyway. Why can't I get drunk if I want to? There ain't no law , against it." j With these words he raised him- ; self on his elbow and took another I swig. This was too much for i Takef-. < (Continued on Page I; Column 2) A Bally Ball Come gather round, and listen the while I tell a sordid tale Of greasepaint, wine, and laughter and lights, And the man who isn't a male? Of hams, and eggs, and dialects, And nauseous Thespians nine? With a shrieking fool at the head of the list ' And a doubtful fool behind. I It seems they were giving a play one night, i And after the play a spree. The mystery of the show was WIIY? And WHO? was that of the spree. Harassing This is what happened to Professor of the people some of the time but j -Up R Arts Snorter Snorts I And Triumphs Platform Embodies Freedom For t. Fancy Females And Equal Handicaps For All A Miss Betty Snorton, Union, was rc:ently electcd president of the Co-ed Stulent body, after a close race in which she lefcatcd both her opponents by the length >f a hip. "It was a tight race but I'm glad I won," declared Miss Snorton of her vie ;ory, "I always was a fancy racer." . The Girl's Student Body, the brain- tr :hild of after Ketchup, Gulp woman's a eadership sorority, was ardently upheld 5y members of the sorority, who declared they were pushing the scheme in order t.> ?ivc wom^n on the campus a chance to <?] exert themselves. Platform of the winner was as follows: G "I'm agin anything in pants, or union b; suits. Agin and agin I've seen dem ruin \A women. I'm for helping the down-trod- d< len sex. I'm doing my part. * iri u. b. o. ^j. Three Go a-Hunting ci But Cockleburs Win 1 ti Joe Neece, well known Don Juan L 3f the School of Pharmacy, accom- ^ panied by several rivals of the Hunt, _ namely Pete Oliver and the redoubtable Frances Vincent (better known is Wincent) went a-IIunting late J yesterday afternoon in the vicinity of the woman's dormitory. News of the Hunt leaked back to the campus, and it appears that Joe L led the field until the quarry left went home for the weekend. As it were Pete came back from the Hunt worn ind weary, bringing no news of the missing Vincent. Later the campus got the dope on U] the mysterious dissappearance. It ap- st peas that Vincent had taken a flask V( ilong with him and becoming indif- a( fercnt to the Hunthad seated himself under a tree. After consuming the n, :ontents of the flask with several (Continued on Page 5; Column I) ird Of Bums j* v The cars filled up and drove away With never a seat to spare, tj And after the last had thoroly passed, Just THREE were standing there. \v Just three there were who were left be- ^ hind, tc Forsaken by all their friends ( ?)? K The statesman and the quarterback E And the man behind the lens. They hung their heads in their grief and te shame And plodded their homeward way, tj, IVith their minds on the wines they could not drink, i\nd the games they would not play. . w (Continued on P?o? 4; Column S) gc ? h; Blabcock : ? I Blah cock's hat. You can fool some j9 rou can't fool a goat on straw. lx &? .' v.. < tins A Brawl^ Slank Head Bi fs Locked Up Ra ntoxication Charged lso In Decent Exposure; Watts To Pass Sentence. Keeley Is abc Scene Of Arrest "Judge" Bankhcad was arrested last ght just as he was leaving Ward- ce.n w College and was lodged in the Wl* ty jail 011 charges of intoxication and ^ decent exposure. A hearing will 1101 ke place this morning before Magis- pa? ate J. U. Watts, who is now waging ^5a fight against disorderly conduct 011 ?CI ic campus. ^ri Bankhcad was taken in tow by '>ca iputy sheriffs Bill Glenn, Vic Laurie, 11 a* L<Aly-By-Night" Dome, and John [cadors. The squad was headed by aS lenn who recently won recognition '>u.? y his leap from the second story of /ardlaw in pursuit of several stu- ^0 ents caught playing Polyanna for rcv loncy. At the time they were on icir way to Kecly to investigate the large that there was a gambling sh? lell" established there. The raid was ic result of the recent, charges by ^au auric that Kecly is a "disorderly ^ suse and ought to be cleaned up." * At the time of his arrest Bankhead ?lK (Continued on Page 5; Column 2) "'K u. m. c. the Pi Phis Have chFinal Smoker ~~ toss Staggers Sorority i iremen Find Flames; Conflagrat- 4 i'ng Feminine Foundation For Females ?: Si The Pi Beta Phi sorority house went 1> in smoak last night in one of the most nsational fires ever to occur on the Uni;rsity campus. The loss was estimated : $27.30 by local authorities. Sorority ft icials have stated that the Pi Phis arc :>t completely covered. tlie Firemen arrived late at the lire after nea rst stopping over with the neighboring del ri-Dolt sorority where a good time was uni ad by all. Five fireman received in- bef iries more or less serious and arc now in >11 fined in the maternity ward of the nivcrsity infirmary. "if Fire Chief Raymond Winn stated early eas lis morning that an investigation was tab >w going on and confessions had been liol rung from three members of the Alpha mu elta Pi sorority that they had set lire tan 1 the house. Those implicated are ?< Catherine Craven, Cornelia Jackson, and flgl lizabcth Crcigliton. jr|a Miss Jackson claimed that it was all a alw jawstly" mistake and that they had in- sanded to set fire to the Tri-Dolt house fail an effort to smoak out some of their call lis year's pledge class. < Miss Creighton was more communi- hoi itive and said that she "didn't care any- fcr ay." "Even if it was a mistake," she cle; >bbed, "I'm glad we did it after what ' ippencd last rushing season. of Several men who have recently taken yoi (Continued on Page I; Column t) alit n. 1. 04 of lellsward Hails ind Heavenly Helps at A medical triumph unmatched in his>ry, was preformed yesterday by Doctor alniy Helloward, interne at the Uni:rsity infirmary. It is expected that Dr. < felloward will leave immediately to as- ^a' imc the presidency of John Pumpkins na* >spital. Bruce Littlcjohnny, the biggest poli- St cian (in tenement 19), dislocated his big >e early yesterday morning. ITe immedicly went to the infirmary and called for I >r. Helloward. The good doctor rushed as im into the operating room and in one tj1c sur and fifteen minutes came to the x>r to announce: acc "I am happy to state that Littlcjohnny the proud mother of a bouncing baby bla :>y. Both arc doing well." her muck Nominee Has Vlental Lapse [shop Keeps Decorus ving- Rush Rails Retreat Of Recently Revered Race Victor 'rotesting that her defeat in the y Queen election had been brought >ut by illegal methods, Katherine ish, runner-up in the racc in which miie Lou Dishup was winner, retly invaded the womans building h a gat. .liss Mush was one of the three ninees of the judges in the beauty feant sponsored by Kappa Sigma ppa. The judges were X. Y. Z. bles, A. B. C. Bush, and Uncle lit. Miss Dishup did not enter the luty contest, but was later nomied by John Bolt Bulberson. You '$%?Miss Mush said she entered Miss Dishup's room, ihing her against the wall, "maybe 5 will take that grin off your face, u done me wrong and I'm out for cnge. I'll learn you to snatch my one." iVith a maniacal gleam in her eye : flourished the revolver. You're a nut," said Jimmie Lou, ghing scornfully. Phis retort cooked the Mush. Dashing to the window Jimmie Lou -ned it, saying, "Something's burn". I better lift the window and let smell out." Suddenly there was heard the irge of the Frail Brigade. (Continued on Page 5; Column 2) U. 6. O. leadtvood, Eh 'If He Could" lly Sissy Simpers rpes Enjoy Riotorous Evening As Somnambulist Lisps iteration, with especial emphasis on superlative variety practiced by guinI pigs, provided the subject of a lecture ivered by Joseph Deadwood, of the versity department of somnambulism, ore an appreciative group of corpses the Dunbar funeral home yesterday. 'Now take guinnea pigs," he whispered, you can take. it. Alteration comes y with them, although some well esilished critics have been known to d the opinion that they attatch too ch importance to this phase of exisce." * Now take Professor Bass, just as a ire of speech, or preferably with a ss of water just before retiring. It 'ays proves effective and is often proibed by doctors when all other means I. The human depth-bomb, he is often led." 'Take goats. My kid took one in the ise and he practiccd a slightly difcnt form of alteration. The vacuum uier has never been the same. 'Now, as I look into your faces so full the joy of living,'I shall deliver unto i a prime example of the type of cration that 1 advise to students, most whom are providentially hindered from ulging in the more enjoyable forms, present. 'The sighing southwinds sooth the summer sea, Hie silvery seagulls, silent soar on high," [that last word slipped in somehow.) n you suggest a l>ctter way to observe ional apricott week?" uid Blasting Will Chasten Our Politics II view of the fact that sand-blasting, practiced by the C. W. A., seems to be most effacious means of removing umulated dirt, all campus politicians 1 be forced to under-go three sandst treatments a day until next Juvem , President Taker announced to-day. ,