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:Y SUN. NEWBERRY. S. C. — VIRGIL YOU CAM PST TM6W LU NeVEft eeT AWTMlMe UKE TWOS ABOUND rw NECK WHEN I GET TD MAN ' By Len Kleu . More Respect Please SUNNYSIDE ’ by Cforfc S. Hoot WMCSta'S THC VOUN<S MAN? OM, VOU MCAN/MB.DCe/ MB'S 30NBL TD THE RACES. TD ves. sir. nrs ms last TV. \ 41 \'> i *A It sounds too good really to be true, but my friend claims it did happen. He was lounging in this tavern, watching television, of course, when a man came up beside him. ••What'll it.be? the barkeep asked. '‘Oh," the guy said, being coy about It all, “tall, cold and full of gin.'* With that, a fellow one stool over who had had maybe one too many pulled himself erect. “Sir,” he hiccuped, “I’ll have you know you’re talking about the wom an I love.” THE OLD GAFFER ^ JESWICK, YOU'RE MY ONLY BROTHER WHO NEVER MARRlEP. * i I'VE BEEN KEEPING COMPANY WITH MISS RNCHlY FOR 56 YEARS. WELL, ISNY IT ABOUT TIME YOU POPPED THE QUESTION? By qiy Hunter PRETTY LATE Jt ^ ~ Q I DID, BcrTSHE'S WAITING FOR THE MORE-MATURE TYPE TO COME ALONG/ MY BATH WATER [& TOO HOT JUDVj suck um Funeral Director: ”How old are you, sir?” Aged Mourner: *Tm 98.” Funeral Director: “Hardly worth going home, is it?” AND JEFF I DON’T EXPECT PEOPLE TO TIP ME, MUTT! IN FACT, I DON'T APPROVE OF TIPPING, BUT THAT ACTOR, BlGHAMM, IS CHEAP/. HES ALWAYS ORDERING ME AROUND AND HE THINKS HE’S SOMEBODY/ look at; h/m NOW / HE& WRITING ON K . THE TABLECLOTH 0 THERE VtXJARE.MV MAN/ M/AUTOGRAPH! SOME PEOPLE WOULD HAVE THAT EMBROIDERED/] OH. THANK YOU SIR/ By Bud Fiiher Tll I— inimni T JITTER JITTER IS SO HAPPY WITH THAT CHRISTMAS tbdcy bear, that he wont urr it get, outoehis swhtj——— COULD YOU SPARS US A BITS’ Tto CW.LADY? IMKRE A BIT OONN ON OUR LUCfC By Arthur Pointer t 5 /■ ’mSm, i . Mili By Bert Thomas MAYBE WE'D BETTER 60 -A 51 - UP 0 ONE THING I DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT ART ts WHY YOU GUYS ALWAYS PAINT WINTER SCENES IN SUMMER AND SUMMER PICTURES IN THE WINTER. * V/;.":-!-.-*.: • tf %• i ■ OH, I THINK COLLEGE IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARy— UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU MEET THE RIGHT MAN IN HIGH SCHOOL* MORE PUNS A man was ambling down the main street of a small town when a steam-roller ran over his cat. He never said a word. He Just stood there with a long puss. He is also the man who pointed out why a bird with one wing is nothing like a bird with two wings. It’s a difference, aa I’m sore all of yon have guessed, of a pinion. Tour Loss, My Game The recent meeting in New York between Ernest Bevin and Andrei Vishinsky found Bevin considerably thinner than usual and Vishinsky somewhat heavier, the story goes 4 *How thin you’ve got!” Vishinsky affably exclaimed. “Twelve pounds,” Bevin replied. “But you— you’re fatter.” “Yes,” the Russian replied, “but don’t get the idea that I’m a cannibal and have pro fited by your loss, because I weigh fifteen poundf more.” “Fifteen!” mused Bevin. “That’s just my loss plus the three pounds Stafford Cripps dropped these last few weeks.” UNDERSTATEMENT In a hotly contested local election in -Iowa, the Republican candidate ostentatiously refused to sling mud at his opponent. “Such tactics are beneath me,” he proclaimed. “I will only say that he sailed from New York to Southampton and back last summer aboard the America and never washed once — which strikes me as the perfect exam ple of a dirty double-crosser.” Joke With Teeth A couple of Scotsmen were walk-A big along the road together and one was jingling something in his pocket. His pal asked “Jock, you must have plenty of money in ther.” “Oh, no,” said Jock, “that’s my wife’s false teeth . . . there’s too much eating between meals in our house,” Ivy growing in water will be helped considerably if you keep a small chunk of charcoal in the water. Rub a Utile castor oil or min eral oil lightly over the leaves of house plants to keep them looking green and to stimulate growth by cleaning the pores through which the plant breathes. Preventing candles from bend ing and drooping in the summer offers a choice of two approaches. Either take the candles out of their holders, wrap them in waxed paper, and lay them away flat in a drawer or closet; or give them a couple of coats of clear varnish or shellac before the hot weather sets in. if a candle is a little too small for. a holder, you can make it firm by dipping the holder—pro vided it’s metal—into piping hot water for a few minutes to. get ii hot before inserting the candle. No Justice A taxi driver whose meter regis tered twenty cents received just that amount from a prosperous look, ing customer. , “That’s correct, isn’t It?” th^ customer asked the cabby as he stared at the two dimes. “It’s correct,” answered the cabby, “but it ain’t right.” 'Mm-Meow! The butcher was busy waiting on a customer when a woman rushed in and said, “Give me a pound of cat food, quick!” Turning to the other customer she said, “I hope you don’t inind my getting waited on before you.” “Not if you’re THAT hungry,’* the other woman replied. NOT IMPRESSED Apt Definition • ■ — * * ■' * > A new butch on a train came through selling Western sand wiches; a man bought one and there was nothing between the two slices of bread. He asked the butch about it who replied that his sand wiches had two hunks of bread and wide open space, which was West* tern. OUT OF BOUNDS A group of Chicagoans were show ing a visiting Texan the town. < , < What do you think of our stock yards?” they asked. “Man, we got brandin’ corrals In Texas bigger’n this.” “Well,” they asked further, “what do you think of the imposing sky scrapers of the Chicago skyline?” “Why, man, we got tombstones in Boot Hill bigger than those.” That night they put a brace of snapping turtles in his bed. When be turned down the covers and asked what they were, he was told, “Illi nois bedbugs.” He peered at them a moment. “So they are,” he agreed. “Young ’uns, ain’t they?” ( No Rime Nor Reason Little George’s evening was end ing up in the usual manner. His mother had ordered him to bed, be bad demanded to know why he had to retire so early, and she had told him. Following the usual pattern he had turned to his father. “Pop,” he complained, “women sure are unreasonable!” * Papa watched Mamma out of the corner of his eye, and timidly in quired: “Why. son?” “Well,” explained the thoughtful youngster, “tonight Mom says, ‘George, you are too young to stay up.’ Know what she’ll say in the morning. Pop? She’ll say, Get up, George—You’re too big^o stay in bed!’ You can’t win. Pop!” Stumps of candles and candles ruined by summei heat can be melted down and made into new candles by pouring the molten wax into an empty cold cream jar or a cardboard milk or cream container. If the cold cream jar is used, the candle can be burned right in the jar. With the card board carton, it’s a simple matter to tear the paper aside once the wax gets hard. In either case, though, put a piece of string in the middle for a wick, and tie a weight to the bottom of it to keep it from rising while the wax is still in a Quid state. Yoa M«d «4> > - sv Toil need to rub on i relieving Musteroie. It note feet, long-lasting helps check the irritation and local congestion. Buy Mr III “For yean I had taken harsh laxatives for a Then 1 started to eat regularly. Now I feel like a new man!” Earl Noecker, 2534 Derry St., Harris burg, Pa. Just one of many unsolicited let ters from ALL-BRAN users. If you are troubled with con stipation due to lack 1 of dietary bulk, do does. Elat an ounce (t of tasty K " * drink plei pletelyt empty Creek, Mich. < MONEY BACKI 10 Doeskin, pigskin and most smooth-leather gloves can be washed in lukewarm water and mild soap. The handliest way is just to put the gloves on, and proceed as if you were washing your hands. The important part is not to rinse them in clear water, as this usually leaves the leather stiff and hard alter it dries. Instead, make sure that every batch of tins? water used has soap in it;* the soap * * in the gloves will ke^p the soft. If you need more effect than that, try spoonful of olive oil in with the wash water. To dean pearls and amber beads, rub olive oil on them with s piece of flannel or chamois. Go easy on the amount of oil and the pressure of your rubbing. DOUBLE Fti FOR EXTRA The restaurant patron had been waiting for service at his table for fifteen minutes. Noticing a waiter standing nearby with folded arms, he thought he’d pass some , time away with conversation. “Say,” he inquired, “How’d the Yankees make out in the double-header today?” “Sorry,” replied t h e waiter haughtily, this isn’t my table.” To -PUR/TY ■ Discount - You know, Joe may be broke but he’d make a wonderful husband. He's so tall and romantic. Oh, I like tall men, too. I always said I’d marry a 6 footer, even if he didn’t have a cent. Then how come your fourth hus band was a millionaire who Was only 4 feet 6? Honey, I took 25% off for cash. >#••• *4. 4* Don’t give *k ts the Demona”—getMi Fast, safe Mentho soothes smarting helps open sages so yoa can again in comfort.. ful cheat coi I* too.] No Time for Comedy Mother was absent from the din- ner-tgble; so Dorothy, aged seven, sat in her chair and pretended to take her place. Father was watch ing the child’s solemn assumption of matronly airs with ill-concealed glee when her brother challenge# her po sition with the remark: “So you’re mother tonight? Well, if you’re mother, tell: me—how much is six times nine?”- Calmly and without hesitation, Dorothy retorted: “I’m busy; ask your father!” Come Back Later A pink elephant, a green rat and a polka-dotted snake walked into a cocktail bar. “You’re a little early, boys,” said the bartender. “He ain’t here yet.” NOT EXACTLY Woman Customer (in bank): “I would like to make a loan.” Bank Official: “You’ll have to see the loan arranger.” Woman: “Who?” . Official: “The loan arranger, the loan arranger.” Woman: “Oh, yon mean the one who says, “Hi-Ho Silver?’” Completely Gone Mrs. Tucker was boasting about the wholehearted devotion of her husband. “I never worry about him paying attention to other women,” she ex ulted; “he’s crazy about me.” “That’s wonderful, dear,” re joined her friend, Mrs. Arnold; “but aren’t you afraid he has lucid in tervals?” wfe—ami JAI Vi* O