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Oet Rxx-A-xnrr at any 1 rtj drug counter—2Se. SO# or only... . Iwv BROADWAY AND MAIN STRICT Ibsen, Shmibsen, She Said; Confide With Me Everything By BILLY ROSE I recently read a magazine piece entitled, “What’s Wrong with Modern Marriage,” in which the author opined that the divorce rate would drop like an over-ripe apple if the average wife showed more interest in her husband’s business and hobbies. Well, mebbe so, but you can’t prove it by my Uncle Charlie and my Aunt Frieda. ... Charlie and E'rieda are a couple of oldsters who have been living in a four-room flat on the East Side almost as long as magazines have been printing articles entitled, “What’s Wrong with Modem Marriage. ,fc Ever since their nuptials, they’ve had at least one argument a day, and when they stop scrapping that’s when I’ll start worrying about them. I remember an evening back in the days when I was knee-high to the Allen Street curbstone when Aunt Frieda came home from the movies with an air of unwavering nobility. “Charlie,” she said tensely, “how Is business at the shop, good, bad or fair to the mid dle?” “Eh - peh,” an swered my uncle. (“Eh - peh,” X hasten to translate, means that things being what they are, if a man breaks even he can consider himself a runaway success.) “ ‘Eh-peh’ is no Frieda. “I am sick doll’s house.” I see,” said Charlie. “Tonight in the nickelodeon was showing Nazimova in ‘A Doll’s House’ by Hymie Ibsen.” “Ibsen, Shmibsen,” said Frieda. “You can’t push me out of your life. Confide in me everything, come thick or thin.” "This I’ll confide,’’ said Charlie. "When I come home from the shop I’m tired out like a dog. Bad enough I live through the day without it should repeat on me like radishes." However, with my Aunt Frieda, like Columbus, there was no turn ing back. She kept picking away until Charlie itemized the day’s doings—everything from punch-in to punch-out. Billy Bose answer,” said of living in a BUT THAT WAS only the begin ning. The payoff came a few weeks later when Charlie was fixing to at tend his weekly pinochle session. 1 want you should teach m’e how to play,” said Frieda. ’Pinochle!” said Charlie. “Al ways you are saying pinochle is for loafers and no-goods.” “I ain’t saying different,” said Frieda, but pinochle is your passion and I don’t want it should take my place in your life.” Now, my uncle was a broad minded man. When women began to bob their hair, his comment was. “They want to ventilate their necks, so let them.” But pinochle —well, that was another matter. Nevertheless, he knew better than to balk his wife outright and, as he explained the game to Frieda, all the while thinking bitterly of the coffeehouse session he was missing, a plot began to hatch in his head. Next evening he was home early with a bag of wool and knitting needles. “Frieda,” he said, “how you make a cable stitch?” Half an hour later he was in the kitchen tasting the soup. “It needs a pinch paprika,” he said. “You’re giving me point-outs how to make soup?” “Who’s teaching? A woman cooks and shops, a husband should simi lar cook and shop. How much you pay for cabbage?” "Five cents a head.” “At Fuzarri’s on Avenue A, is four cents.” • • • FRIEDA DROPPED a handful of cutlery in the sink.” Fuzarri’s is six blocks away.” “So what? The exercise will do you good.” That Saturday night, Charlie persuaded a couple of his cronies to come over for a pinochle ses sion and put up with his wife’s playing. At 12 o’clock Frieda said, "1 can't keep my eyes apart. Maybe you could play three- r ° r quick rmlrn- / e answer that wUl ^ da,n0f «g cries- And hLZ burdeo over to h 7 ° ne yielded ' t0 his care. Epicure When the college’s football squad was called out for the first prac tice session of the season one of the aspirants was so fleet of foot that he made the others look like turtles. The coach called him over and asked, him how he had de veloped such incredible speed. “I used to catch jackrabbits on my pop’s ranch,” he explained. “But,” the coach pointed out, “a lot of other boys here claim that they did the same thing. Still they’re not nearly so fast as you- “My pop Is pretty fussy about the rabbits he eats,” the boy elab orated. “I had to run alongside them and feel them to see if they were fat enough for pop before I caught them.” God yieldcd > p'*ys°^ Care ’ JUST WANTED TO KNOW »* i V handed.” "What kind pinochle player stops so early?" said Chat lie. "Deal!" And at 3 a.m., Frieda was dealing them as if they were bricks. Sunday, Charlie put on his best tie. “Today I go with you to see Theda Bara,” he said. “Is not necessary to go with,” said Frieda. “I got a date with the ladies.” “Where you go, I go,” said Charlie. Frieda, afraid Charlie would laugh at Theda’s amatory exer cises and humiliate her in front of her friends, pulled down the flag. “Marriage is not simple a ball and chain,” she said. “You go your way and I’ll go to Loew’s.” Charlie moved in for the kill. “No more schmoose about the shop?” The Fiction * RANGE RIDER By Richard H. Wilkinson Corner E Ifeen-a-mint'M J FAMOUS CHtWIMC-CUM uuumyt AfH SO FAST..PURE..DEPENDABLE St.Joseph aspirin WORLDS LAROESi SELLER AT I0< rti ■ini kies hi run if RHEUMATISM , NEURITIS-LUMBAGO • CUTMI: m HU H IlllCtU « I UUt MM MM StMItH II UK •• nt«|t U flkt . mi ei, i—. jmimmi i, nitm C HUCK HANSON and Baldy Davis, range riders for the Circle H cattle outfit, were pretty disgusted the day young Johnny Howard rode into their camp and handed them a note signed by Old Man Hadley, the Circle H*s owner. The note read in part: This will introduce Johnny How ard from New York, the son of an old friend of mine He want* to be 3 -MillUt« a real cowboy Fiction rm t him out to you boys. Show him the ropes. Jim.” Summoning Baldy, Chuck led the way out of earshot Ain’t the boss cute?” he said sarcastically. “Handin’ us this nurse maid’s job. By Gad, one day Jim Hadley will go too far. “The way I figure It,' Baldy, “the boss is psssln’ the buck. Since this fashion-plate Is the eon of a friend he can't Just give him the werke and send him home, so he puts it up to us.” Chuck spat and scratched his head. “By gum, mebbe you’re right. Shucks, that's it exactly! Come on, we gotta do like he asks. We’ll make a cow hand outer this <^ude or die tryin’.” They returned to the camp where waited Johnny. “O. K., feller,” Baldy said. "The boss allows we .gotta make a cow hand outer yuh. Your first lesson Is to get down off that flea-bitten nag you’re a-straddle and learn to stick on a real hoss.” “Well,” said Johnny, “I was won dering if I was going to have to ride this old crow bait.” Chuck and Baldy exchanged meaning looks. Baldy went out to the corral and returned leading a sleek-looking black that kept his ears laid back permanently just to show folks how he felt about %py one who thought he could ride him. Confidently Johnny swung aboard while the two range riders climbed to the top rail of the corral fence. Baldy was a little nervous. The black, with Johnny astride him, suddenly galvanized into ac tion. It shot straight into the air and came t down with all four legs as solid as gate posts. It sunfished and buckled and bucked. It got down and rolled over, brushed against the fence, reared on all fours, plunged and bucked some more. And presently, sweating and blowing, it stood docile and Johnny Howard was still on its back. John ny grinned at the open-mouthed spectators. T HE RANGE RIDERS rubbed their eyes. The thing that had happened was like an hallucination. They weren’t convinced. Chuck slid down off the corral. “We'll now go into lesson number two,” he remarked, “which in cludes bulldogging. Ever bulldog a steer, mister?” Without waiting for the dude’s re ply, Chuck, who had won laurels as a bulldogger, galloped after a steer, threw and roped him in rec ord time. Pleased and swaggering he returned. "See how it’s done?” he asked. “Yes,".said Johnny, “I see. Mind if I try it on that big steer?” He tried it He threw and roped the big steer in three seconds less time than Chuck. After a roping exhibition Johnny, without being chal lenged, produced a six-gun and demonstrated some fast and accurate shooting. In fact, it was so fast and so accurate that Baldy and Chnck didn’t offer to exploit their own prow ess. When the shooting was over the range riders went into a huddle. Presently they returned to Johnny. Chuck stuck out his hand. “Mister, we hereby apologize. We know when we’re licked.” Johnny grinned. “Well,” he said. ”1 reckon that was Uncle Jim’s idea. At first. Then when he found out I was a circus performer he saw a chance to play a joke on you boys. I learned all my stuff in a circus. I got to be pretty good, because I liked the work. In fact, I liked it so well I decided to become a real cowboy. The truth is, I don't know a darned thing about cow- punching and I’d appreciate it a heap if you boys would let me stay and teach ma a few things.” ‘Teach youl” declared Chuck. “Hal Mister, consider yourself t’home.” mm puzzle LAST WEEKS ANSWER JR 1. S. e. 10. u. 12. 14. 16. 17. 18. 20. 21. 24. 27. 29. 31. 34. 35. 37. 38. 41. 44. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. ACROSS Butts Buddies Affirm Leave out Steps over a fence Women of station Concealed Long-eared rodent Hawaiian bird Pull 2. Greedy 3. Form 4. A con fection 5. A seed vessel S. A nurse (Orient) 7. Capital (Pery) 8. English novelist 11. Begone! 13. Prophet 15. Wandering Neon (sym.) 19. Conflict At one time 22. Food fish A great artist One of the Great Lakes Bantered with A game played on horseback At home 1/1000 of an inch Hypothetical force Kind of dog A wax taper Glory (colloq.) Points aimed at Additional amount Girl’s name Sea eagle Require DOWN An allowance 23. Conclude 25. A slight lasts 26. Also 28. Evening sun god (Egypt.) 29. Strike with the foot 30. Bury 32. Dangled 33. Poems 36. Goods sunk at sea with a buoy 39. Smell 40. Exhausted I UU’JH □ □OE3 □□□an □□□□□ □ aa □aoc □□□an am □ HEDHE can □ □□□Ei □□□□ □□□□ □□□B □□□□ IpTeIpM otoE IwIXlEl* oMe h o rlsp ulololMr mJMNhTa 42. Not any - 43. Native of Denmark 45. Diocesan center 1 z 5 4 1 5 6 7 8 I 1 9 lO M II iZ IS \A 15 tG •7 I dd (8 19 wy /sZ/ 20 Zl 22 Z3 i 24 25 25 i 1 Z7 28 i 29 30 Si 32 33 34 d 35 Vm r / , ^y V /A //A 37 38 Vi 40 I 44 42 Al 44 45 44 7//. 47 1 4* I 49 so I “If no more cable stitches.” “No more pinochle?” “If no more tasting the soup.” "You got an agreement,” said my uncle. And they've been fighting happi ly ever since. “Beg your pardon, but what is your name, sir?” the hotel clerk asked. “Name!” echoed the Indignant guest, who had just signed the register, “don’t you see my sig nature there?” ‘Of course,” answered the clerk. “That’s what aroused my curiosi ty.” PUZZLE NO. 23 BY INEZ GERHARD A SINGER has to be something more than just wonderful to make her professional debut on “The Telephone Hour.” 20-year- old Barbara Gibson did it Septem ber 12, and will be heard again on the program in February. Gladys Swarthout promptly phoned her praise; Lily Pons, who had missed BARBARA GIBSON the broadcast, asked for record ings. Like Lily, Barbara is a col oratura soprano. Unlike her, she’s a young American girl—likes to swim and ski, makes her own clothes. Walter Magill, producer of “Tha Telephone Hour,” waa at CBS the day the auditioned, heard executives raving about her voice; after hearing her ting he gave her her big chance. Columbia will release “All the King’s Men” some time near Christmas, to get maximum con sideration for Academy Award nomination. Paramount la banking on “The Heiress”; 20th Century- Fox has “Pinky”; Eagle-Lion, “Passport to Pimlico.” Before designing “Mortimer Snerd,” CBS’ Edgar Bergen spent months in research on phrenology. He made a complete list of all physical characteristics associated with stupidity, then combined them all in “Mortimer.” The University of Denver has adopted Paramount’* “M y Friend Irma” as the basis of a coarse in film pradnetion and appreciation. The gcript, still, production and publicity pho tos and a number of minature sets used in the picture are being used as visual aids, and sets created by Hans Dreier and Henry Bumstead are on display in the college library. Lucille Ball Is back at RKO, the first time in six years, to make "Easy Living,” with Victor Ma ture. It was at RKO that sha met her husband, Desi Arnaz, eight years back, when they were the principals of ’Too Many Girls.” Florence Freeman expected tt be home awaiting the stork's ar rival the last week of September, and the script of “Wendy Warren and the News” was written so as te give the star a vacation. But hei son didn’t know that in radi4 everything has to be done right on time. He put off greeting his pan ents and two sisters until Octobei «L Goodbye! Tm sorry,” said the arresting officer, “but it is me duty to watch out for unmuzzled dogs in the park.” “But,” protested Mr. Kaplowitz, “he is such a lettle dug. I couldn’t poichase a muzzle to fit him.” His arguments were in vain. The policeman gave him a ticket and told him that his case would come up at court in two days and he could talk himself blue in the face then, if he wanted to. When Mr. Kaplowitz appeared before the judge he again tried to explain how tiny his dog was. , “Is he about so high?” asked the judge, indicating five inches. “Yes, yes,” hissed Mr. Kaplowitz, eagerly. “And is he about so wide?” con tinued the judge, indicating about four inches. Again Mr. Kaplowitz nodded his head vigorously. “And is he abeut so long?’ asked the judge. “So long. Judge,” interrupted Mr. Kaplowitz. ’Tenks.” Bite Uni A woman was bitten badly by a dog. Her doctor warned her to make a will. She took so long in writing the will he asked her why. "This isn’t a will,” she said: “this is just a list of people I’m going to bite!” NATURAL MISTAKE Bride: “Oh, dearl I took such a lot of trouble to arrange the salad daintily and nobody took a bit of it.” Young husband: “Salad, dar ling? We all thought it was a new style of arranging the flowers.” CONSISTENT “This Is the fifth time you have been brought before me for speeding,” said the judge se verely. “Yes, your honor,” smiled the offender. “When I like a feller I generally gives him all my business.” Shorts These short ' bathing suits the girls are wearing on the beach this year: You need an imagina tion to keep your imagination from imagining what ?ou shouldn’t imagine. Best Seller “Did you know I had taken up story writing as a career?” “No. Have you sold anything yet?” "Yes—my watch, my saxophone, and my car.” Economics Professor of Economics: “Give me an example of indirect taxa- tion.” Fresh: “The dog tax, sir.” Prof.: “Explain.” Fresh: “The dog does not hava to pay it” Double or Nothing “Now is as good a time as any,” said Teeter, senior, as he stood at a bar with his son, “to teach you a few facts of life. Remember, a man who drinks beyond his ca pacity is no gentleman. To enjoy life you must observe the happy medium. Have a drink occasional ly, but never, never get drunk.” “Yes, sir ” replied his dutiful son, “but he w am I to know When I am drunk?” “Well, you see those two men sitting in the comer,” said his father, “if you were to see four, you’d know you were drunk.” “I can see only one there now, father,” grinned the young man. Distaff Side First mate—“What are epistles, Joe?” Second mate—“I’m not sure, but I thiik they are apostles’ wives.” Accidents Chief Killer Of Children in America CHICAGO.—Here’s a word of warning to all Moms and Dads: Accidents are the greatest kid- killers in America! Accidents far out-rank any of the more generally feared child hood diseases as a cause ' f death among children l-to-14 years old. There were 10,731 accidental deaths in that age group in 1947— three times more than were claimed by pneumonia, the next most important cause of death. And accidents caused 42 times as many deaths as polio. 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