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f THE NEWBERRY SUN. NEWBERRY, S. C. ’TWAS EVER THUS O NE DAY that outspoken, uncon ventional musician, Eugene D'Albert, whose numerous marri ages had been matched by an equal number of divorces, was an inter ested listener to a lecture on arche ology. A famous man of science was holding forth on his latest ex pedition. "And thus,” announced the lectur er, “the only relic we have of the ancient Assyrians are a few hun dred pieces of broken crockery.” As the speaker paused to let this surprising thought penetrate the minds of his listeners, the silence was broken by the voice of D’Al- bert observing, "Ah, so matrimony is a very ancient institution!” JUST LIKE DDT * When Joe McCarthy was cracking the whip one of his players was spending too many of his evenings in the taverns. Just before game time, McCarthy mounted a bench. In one hand he held a glass of wa ter, in the other a v/orm. Joe dropped the worm into the water. It wriggled about with a great dis play of energy. Then he removed the worm and picked up a second glass—this one filled with liquor. Holding the worm high for all to see, he dropped it into the whisky. It wriggled about gaily for a mo ment, then sank to the bottom— dead. McCarthy looked about the room. His eye caught that of the erring player. “You, there!” he rasped. "What did my little experiment teach you?” The player wrinkled his brow, brightly replied, "Well, boss, it teaches me that if I keep on drinkin’ likker I ain’t gonna have no worms.” SMART REPLY Teacher—What is raised in coun tries that have wet climates? Student—Umbrellas. What Counts Having only recently moved into the district, she was determined to impress the neighbors. She ar ranged for a musical At Home and told her husband to see to the book ing of a musician to entertain the guests. "Have you engaged the pianist yet?” she asked a few days before the great evening. “Yes, my dear,” he replied, “a great virtuosol” She looked annoyed. "Never mind about his morals. Can he play?” One Safe Place First Husband—My wife finds my money wherever I hide it. Second Husband—My wife nev er finds mine. I put it in the bas ket with my undarned socks. Wrong Remedy Two farmers met on a country road and pulled up their teams. "Si,” said Josh, "I’ve got a mule with distemper. What did you give that one of yours when he had it?” “Turpentine. Giddap!” A week later they met again. "Say, Si, I gave my mule turpen tine and it killed him.” "Killed mine, too. Giddap!” The Time Never Comes The Son—Say, Pop, how soon will I be old enough to do just as I please? The Dad—I don’t know, son; no body has ever lived that long yet. ■faking Progress "How is your wife coming with her driving lessons?” "Pretty good. It’s getting so she and the road turn almost at the same time.” NANCY Bv Ernie Buthmiller MUTT AND JEFF MUTT, I WROTE SOME POEMS I’M GONNA SELL TO THE NEWSPAPER- LISTEN -- I TOOK MV AUNTIE RIDING, IN TNE COLD AND |CVBREEZE.| I PUT riER. (N THE rumble seat AND WATCHED MV ANm-FREiZEJ/ DO YOU CALL THAT stuff poetry? IT RHYMES/ f your handwriting j oh.that’s is awful! nobody/ all right/ WILL BE ABLE p A POET HAS To READ THIS I IMAGINATION! HE v5UNRl °NL>/ IMAGINES ‘ ' PEOPLE READ HIS POEMS ,, ^ ANYWAY/ By Bud Fi»her I imagine SOMEDAV I WILL BE A GREAT POET- I IMAGINE! JITTER By Arthur Pointer REG’LAR FELLERS VIRGIL By Len Kleis SILENT SAM By Jeff Haye« PLAY STREET , BE ' careful cC t^ THE JACKPOT QUESTION NEEDLEWORK PATTERNS TT WAS the oay appointed by the ■I Rev. Duncan McGregor for cate chising some of his congregation, but, unfortunately, the good clergy man had received an invitation tc dinner for the same day and, for getting his previous engagement had accepted it. Just as the minister was mount ing his gig to depart, he perceived the first of his class entering his garden, and the remainder coming over the fair Scottish hill. He was instantly aware of the mistake he had made, but his ready wit soon came to his assistance. “What have you come for, Jock?” he asked, addressing the first com er. "An’ dee ye no’ remember, sir, ye bade us come to be cate- cheesed?” “Oh, ay; weel, no’ to keep ye going further, Jock, was it a horned coo or a hemmel that Noah took into the ark?” "Deed, sir, I canna tell.” "Well, turn back and ask the ither folk the same question, and if they canna answer it, bid them go home and find oot.” And with that the Rev. Duncan McGregor drove away to his din ner. Sweet Dreams A little old lady in her seventies Went to a doctor. She expounded all her ailments, real and imaginary, but seemed most concerned about a recurring dream in which she was diligently pursued by a personable young man who wanted to flirt with her. The doctor was sympathetic, and advised her how she might sleep more soundly. In a few days she returned, still woeful. “Don’t tell me you aren’t sleeping better nowadays,” said the doctor. “Oh, I’m sleeping fine,” the pa tient replied, “but to tell the truth, I certainly miss that young man!” SEVEN YEARS BAD LUCK The recruit turned to his neigh bor and remarked: “I say. Bill, have you got a good memory for faces?” “Yes," replied Bill, from behind his towel. “Well, see If you can remember your own when you shave it I’ve just broken your mirror." A Way Out Patricia telephoned Phyllis’ mother and asked if Phyllis might come to see her. The mother explained: “No, Phyl lis didn’t come home on time, as she promised yesterday. She should be punished. So she must stay. . Patricia quickly interrupted: “Oh! Just spank her and send her down.” Fussy Sort A traveler in the Dogpatch coun try stayed overnight in a backwoods dwelling. The next morning he spent some time on the back porch with a basin of water, a razor, soap, comb, brush and so on. A small boy watched wide-eyed for some time and finally said, "Gorsh, mister, are ye always thet much trouble to yer- self?” GRAMMAR LESSON Son—Pa, what is the difference between a cat and a comma? Pa—I don’t know, what is it? Son—A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause. Lots Like Him "Mother goes to the Lutheran church," said a youngster to g new friend. “What denomination is your dad dy?” ‘T don’t zackly know what daddy is,” admitted the boy. "He don’t go to church with mother. Aunt Mabel says he must be a Seven Day Absentist.” Dual Control' Bill—Why are you so unhappy? Bob—I just found out my wife is leading a double life. Bill—No kidding. Bob—Yep—her own and mine. Easier to Say “I want some hot peppered butt corn—I mean cot buttered hop com —that is—com buttered popo butt, or rather cuttered pot bom—bow about a sack of peanuts?” Pansies Crocketed in Filet Romantic Lace-Skirted Design Filet Chair Set D EAR little pansy faces are crocheted in filet to make this lovely and unusual chair set. So easy to do, and the set will look so beautiful on your best uphol stered chair. • • • To obtain complete crocheting instruc tions. filet charts, amounts ot materials specified for the Pansy Filet Chair Set (Pattern No. 5460) send 20 cents In coin, your name, address and pattern number. Treasure Lace T ACE - SKIRTED and embroi- dered figures worked in a ro mantic fashion. These designs make unusual pillowcase or dress er scarf decorations. Crocheted lace measures 4 inches deep in the "skirt” section, the edging carries out to the end of the pil lowcase. Makes a most hand some and sure-to-be-treasured gift! * * • To obtain transfer design, complete crocheting instructions for lace on the Romantic Lady Designs (Pattern No. 5495) send 20 cents in coin, your name, address and pattern number. Due to an unusually large demand and current conditions, slightly more time is required in filling orders for a few of the most popular patterns. Send your order to: ? _ ? ? ? ? ? ASK Me ? ANOTHER ? ? t O- <x« O-* O- 0- fw. fv. fv. <v. <v» CV- O-* (v. A General Quiz SEWING CIRCLE NEEDLEWORK 530 South Wells St. Chicago 7, 111. Enclose 20 cents for Pattern. No Name - Address 1. How great a distance can a kangaroo hop? 2. When was the Mammoth cave in Kentucky discovered? 3. Who is credited with having invented the compass? 4. How many patents have been granted by the U. S. patent office? 5. How did Peter the Great change the attire of the Russians? 6. Can any fish live out of water for a considerable time? 7. What was the strongest wind recorded in the United States? 8. The real name of the acting Barrymore family was what? The Answers 1. When pursued kangaroos have been known to hop almost forty feet. 2. In 1809. 3. Flavio Gioja, an Italian, about 1300. 4. Two and one-half million. 5. He ordered them to wear pants instead of the flowing ori ental robes which had been the style. 6. Yes, a lung fish can live out of water for 3 or 4 years. 7. Two hundred and thirty-one miles an hour, recorded April 12, 1934, on top of Mt. Washington, New Hampshire. 8. Blythe. Airman With Canvas Wings Swoops, Banks and Loops The only airman to perform the spectacular stunt of gliding through the air by means of can vas “wings” attached to his arms was Clem Sohn of Lansing, Mich., says Collier’s. At an altitude of 12,000 feet, he would jump from a plane and swoop, bank and loop to within 2,000 feet of the ground, finishing his fall with one or two parachutes. After making some 200 of these descents in two years, he plunged to his death on April 25, 1937, through the failure of both chutes to open, before 100,000 spectators at an air circus in Vincennes, France. Unlike on old horse, an old engine can be made yoeng again You can’t look an engine in the teeth; but you can look at the exhaust. If it smokes it burns a lot of oil and prob ably needs new Sealed Power Piston Rings. There’s a Sealed Power Ring Set specifically engineered for your car, truck or tractor engine, whatever the make, model, or cylinder wear condi tion. See your Sealed Power Franchise Dealer. Save oil, save gas, restore power I Send a postal for illus trated, informative new booklet on 7 ways to savoN oil. It’s free and may save you lots of money. Sealed Power Corp., Dept. W62, Mus kegon, Mich. INDIVIDUALLY ENGINEERED SEALED POWER PISTON RINGS BEST IN NEW ENGINES ! BEST IN OLD ENGINES! TWICE Hundreds of household uses. Twice as much for 10c as In any other nationally advertised brand tested. AS MUCH' KTR0LEUM MOROLINE PETROLEUM JELLY AT ITS BEST Let’s go to town —tit home I N O TELLING what tomorrow’s weather may be. It tools the best fore caster. But we do want chintz tor the windows. We do need a car pet sweeper, a new percolator, and a new end-table in the living-room. And we don’t want to slosh around rainy streets to hunt them. Problem: How to thwart the weather man. Simple enough! Let’s sit down by the fireplace and read the advertisements. Here it’s comfortable and snug. We’ll take the newspaper page by page, compare prices, qualities, brand-names. Tomorrow, rain or shine, we’ll head for the store that has what we want, and home again in a jiffy. •"Buying at Home"—through the advertising columns—gives you wide selection, more time to decide, and satisfaction when you decide. • MAKE IT ONE OF YOUR PLEASANT HABITS I