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4 Nobody's Business Written lor The Chronicle b/' Gee Mt'Gee, Copyright, 1927. Two young men who were making a non-stop hike from Tampa to Asheville happened to a serious accident yesterday afternoon on the Aberdeen highway. The truck on which they were beating a ride turned turtle, and injured both of them. They are thinking of hiking the balance of the distance yii. a bus A man told me this morning that he hud raised .several hundred babies for which he received no remuneration. He explained, however, that he sold the milk to the daddies and mothers of the ufotementioned kids, and they forgot to pay him for the lacteal fluid. lie was a dairyman, but ain't now. I saw in the papers where one man out west bet another man 10 dollars to 6 that he could swallow a banana whole. He won the bet, but the durn thing choked him to death. We have not learned wbat his wife did with the 6 dollars. A Spartanburg man has informed us that the following recipe will make home-brew /it for a king: Remove the hops from 86 bull frogs, mix same in a jar of lye soap to make it foam, stir with a Ford crank to give it some kick, add enough shellac to smooth it down, filter it thru a Bolshevic newspaper to give it color, dust in 2 pounds ground glass to make it sparkle, dissolve your necklace in this fluid tig make it bead, seal up the mixturi thus obtained, and place in a steam boiler of high pressure capacity, leave in the barn for 39 days, then test the brew by pouring a few drops into the kitchen sink; if it removes the enamel therefrom, it is about ready to bottle. We respectfully suggest to all European aviators interested that they can possibly get to America if they will embark on one of our many ships plying between their ports and ours. We really don't think they ought to keep on trying to fly over here, and then the boats are so much safer. I am the unluckiest person in the world. I went to a horse race once and bet 30 cents on "Lightning Arrester." He took the blind-staggers before he got half around the course, and fell dead. I never could understand how that horse knew that I had put my money up on him. An exchange says that there is going to be a big fight in congress az the next season over the McNaryHaugen farm relief bill. Here's hoping they will use shot guns and butcher knives, and fight it out. Then I mebbe we can elect a democratic house. Nine Famous Brd-Tiuie Stories 1. "Well, oid iauy, I've got Lo run down to the office for about 2 hour#." 2. "I think I'll retire. I didn't ?leep a wink last night." 3. "Yen, ma: I've done washed both of my feet .real good." 4. "I want to get up i>efore 5 o'clock in the morning." 5. "Sure, I put the cat out. Can't imagine what that fuss is in the kitchen." (J. "Sallie, you air the purtiest woman ever wuz in the world." 7. "I sure have done a hard day's work. I need a little toddy." 8. "I simply can't stand my blonde stenographer." (She is a little heavy.) 9. "I ueeter get up at 3 o'clock every morning down on the farm." (Lie No. 876,543.234.) i Smith's Crossing, Sept. \'i, 1927. Dear Gee McGee: I have been informed that you know nearly everything that ought to. be known about love affairs, especially between men and women, so I am writing you in the strictest confidence for advice. I am 16 years old, and am in the seventh grade. I have fell in love wjith my Jteacher who is 32 years my senior, and I am having a hard time keeping his wife and 6 children from finding it out. If I don't get Bill I honestly believe I will die a natural death. Tell me what to do, please. I am in great misery. Oh, my poor heart! Devotedly yours, T Helio Trope. Dear Helio: You have come to the right fellow for help. Up to last night I have prevented 987 divorces, 354 suicides, 2,378 unhappy marriages, and 86 murders. My advice to you is to get a sugar-tit and suck it just before retiring, and keep your clothes pinned on well. That thing that you think is love is a kind of stummick disease now prevalent among the flapper class. It is a deep-seated yearning for bonbons and chocolate drops. It is possible that you were weaned too young. You might ask your mother about this. In my opinion,-you are a little bit too old to get married now. By all means, you should have been matrimonied when you were about 8 years of age. Don't bother the old man and quit going to school to him. | Pick out one of his grand-children, if he has any, and if he has none, ; why, you've got plenty time to wait on the old fool. Your true friend, Gee. .--.T., 1 i, 'II'i i :i i =5SWWWP?WWWIiW?? "Order of the Bath," by Billie Brown. 1. Ma, (Water mostly hot). - , 2. Sister Sue, (Water fairly hot), 3. Sister Lou (Water hot enough), 5. Brother Bill, Water lukewarm)^ tt. Brother tSain, (Water sorter warm). 7. Brother Joe, (Water cool). 8. Pa, (Water very cool) 9. Me, (Water cold aa h?). TIME. Saturday night. (The End)! The cost per year of rearing a family of 6 in 1927 is about what it coat to run a big orphanage 26 years ago. Silk stockings, automobiles, picture shows, and ice cream look like they are bent on busting all of us sure as the dickens. The electric chair and the hangman's noose have been pretty busy over this country during the past few years. Maybe within a century or two folks will think twice before they will kill a man once, It is against the law now everywhere in the United States (except in Chicago) to shoot a person in cold blood or in his back yard. The law does seem to be tightening up a wee bit. The up-to-date flapper now Valgpars her checks, Oucos her lips, Whitewashes her nose, and lets a hunk of hair that looks like a horses tail hang down over one eye, and when she decides that she has got on as few clothes as the law will allow, she goes forth seeking whom she may flap. Everybody in western North Carolina seems to know that the "boom" is over except the hotel proprietors. They don't mind charging a fpllow 12 dollars a day for a 3-dollar room. If he happens to have his wife alohg, and some men still take their own wives with them when they go away, the rate jumps to 18 dollars a day Yet, some of those people can't understand why so few "tourists' stop at hotels now. It takes a millionaire to hang out at good resort hostelries now, and you know all of us ain't in the automobile and gas business. A "gravy train" is a train composed of 10 Pullman cars, each car having 2 porters, 3 maids, 4 bootblacks, and no. conductor. Meals are served free of charge, and each passenger gets 8 dollars a mile for riding on the said train. The berths have eider-down mattresses, and silk covers, and sparrow-fur pillows. There's no dust, no dirt, no cinders, and you -ge to bed when you want to, and get up when you please. Money drawers are placed at each end of the car!s, and are filled at all times with 10dollar gold pieces. I have never ridden on a 'gravy train," but have swung on to a few thru freights. GENERAL NEWS NOTES ' T Jack ,Mattes, 30, was killed at Milwaukee, WU., Tuesday, -when he crashed into a fence after straightenin# out 00 a turn when contesting in an automobile race. William Outhout, 70, descendant of the George Washington family, and cousin of J. Pierpont Morgan, died in San Francisco on Tuesday. A lone bandit, wearing goggles and a heavy beard, held up the First State Bank at Pablo, Jacksonville, Fla., last Wednesday. He got away with $4,000 In currency. Over $850,OQ was spent during the last seven years for the defense "of Sacco and Vanzetti, the anarchist* who were electrocuted in Massa* chusetts last week. Auto fatalities in seventeen American cities totaled 6,603 for the year ending August IS, an increase of 11 per cent over the previous year's record. Gangsters and gunmen lack moral emotions and conscience and cannot associate ideas, says Dr. Gilbert Pond of Chicago, who has made an extensive study of criminals. Maxine Metzner, 17, of Itiverton, N. J., failed Tuesday in her effort to swim across Delaware bay from Gape' May Point, N. J., to Lewes, Del. She was in the water from 9;01 a. m. until 7:45 p. m., and was within a mile of her destination when taken from the water. The distance was between 22 and 25 miles. Fourteen children, 4 to 14 years of age, were led out of a school building at Stamford, Conn., in their night clothes Tuesday morning, when the building was discovered to be on fire. Bidwell Adam has been declared to have a majority of 514 votes over M. P. Lowery Love for nomination for lieutenant governor in Mississippi, the result of the second primary election. One man was killed and another seriously, injured in the crash of an airplane near Pittsburgh, Pa., Tuesday. A triple wedding took place at Berwick, Pa., Tuesday. One of the bridegrooms is an uncle of the other two. The wedding occurred at the home of a Mrs. Dawson, she 'being a sister of one of the bridegrooms and an aunt of the other two. Realizing that he could not recover from a chronic illness, Dr. G. H. Kellenberger, 07-yeaT-old dentist of Canon City, Col., tried fasting. Death ended his six-weeks fast. He left no relatives to share his $40,000 estate. A surface car side-swiped another in New York city Wednesday and 36 passengers were injured. Dared by his companions, Henry Miller, 10, of Butler, N. J., on Wed r nesday climbed a pole at the top of which were high voltage electric wires. He came in contact with the wires and was electrocuted, thrown to the ground and his neck broken. ^Samuel J. Collins was able to buy only one sheep when he first went to Australia. He died recently, leaving an estate of $4,000,000. At a Hindu festival in Bareilly, British India, Wednesday, thirteen persons were killed and thirty-six injured. It was necessary to have strong reinforcements of police ty> disperse the crowd. A German baker, Ernst Vierkoetter of Toronto, Canada, won the first prize, $.'10,000, in a 21-mile swim in the chilly waters of Lake Ontario, Wednesday. He was in the water 11 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds. Wichita Falls, Texas, has a thirtyCwo piece band of juvenile musicians. The youngest member is .6,* the oldest is 10, and the leader is 9. Instruments from harmonica to bass horn, were provided by parents. (Roy Karstan died of diphtheria in St. Louis, Mo., yesterday, having ?contracted the disease from his son'* pet cat. Judge D. Gardner Tyler, 81, son of President John TyLer, died at Charles %Gity, Ya., yesterday. He was a former member of congress. A bomb explosion of terrific force rocked the skyscraper district of Brooklyn, N. yesterday. The explosion occurred in alleyway separ_ ating the supreme court building and the Hall of Records. Many buildings over an area of several blocks were badly damaged by the explosion. Admiral Baron Sadakichi Kato, noted Japanese admiral in the World war, died at Tokyo, Japan, yesterday James R. Jenkins, 80-yeaw-old Confederate veteran, Qitderwettt an operation at Birmingham^ Ala., m few days ago for the ^fmoval of a bullet from his left leg, the bullet having bean, fired by a Federal aoldillS ir 1865. The leg had bpen. paining him and he thought his trOQMd rheumatisito. Donald Galloway, a little boy o: Los Angeles, Cel., traded his toy wagon to Naomi Christian, a little girl, for a bag of butter beans. After the beans were eaten the boy wanted his wagon back, and a family now started. Now- Donald is an orphan * and* Naomi's father is In jail charged ij with murder. - ^ J** S ; n >, ? * itlSifiiffi mSM' WOMEN COMPILE RECORDS Under world La Checked By Micro* scopes of Miits Parson'* Bureau Albany, N. Y.?Women are proving able assistants to the Sherlock Holmes of New York State. The Bureau of Criminal Indentification of the New York State Department of Correction is "manned" by women,- and ' a woman is chief of the bureau. Miss Clara L. Parsons, head of the bureau since 1914, was at one time a clerk in the same department. Under her supervision, women's hands keep classified more than 300,000 cards that tell all there is to know about the "Who's Who" of the underworld, and here women's eyes look through microscopes at the prints fingers make on clean paper. Miss Parsons does not know why the bureau relies entirely on women to do its work, but she does know they are as capable as men. She admits some phases of criminal investigation are best left to men. Proud of the efficient way in which her office assists police departments in checking up on criminals who are arrested in the Empire State, Miss Parsons says: "Quite often criminals with records in other states try to cover "up their delinquencies and evade severe punishments waiting for them as second^third and fourth offenders^ * ?' Bat our cbfrck-up usually ,tVMJ their history." Miss Pareons favors universal gar printing. This practice, ?he k.1 lieves, would make it easy to idea^l anybody anywhere. The powSH of mistake A identity, she explai^S only one in 64 trillions. ! '. Willis Property Valked at $17,<|9 The personal property of thrk^S.. Sam D. Willis amounting to jtfa','; 426.18 according to the apj^ is left to Mrs. Ethel GrayJBB|.: according to the will. of tlti^K^ I sheriff filed at the office oilSfv^ Fannie O. Scott, judge of pr$g|s The will was written on OeMjll 6, 1P25, does not mention any B i < property. The real property of wH late sheriff according to the papefl on file consisted of two lots fl Traxler Park one valued at fl,5(l^| and the other at $1,200, this makeH the valuation of the estate amouifl to $20,126.18. The real property since it not mentioned in the will will jfl 1 divided according to law, one-thil|H going to the widow and two-thiriM to the children. J. T. SolomoaM Jr., is named in the document executor.?Greenville Piedmont. Ad Wolgast, one-time lightm$H boxing champion of the world, in to be committed to a California til sane asylum. Wolgast was one the greatest fighters of his weifkl ever known. ? ? Create. Feeling of | Independence I >4 V? There comes a consciousness of power from the fact that you have money saved up and from the fact that you have exer-? cised some very admirable qualities <>f mind and heart in acquiring that surplus. ****** \ i ? | Loan & Savings Bank CAPITAL $10?.eW.W t * * Ttis significant that the users of w Standard" | Gasoline outnumber the users of any other brand 1 more than two to one /W\ ISTAMMMl .?+ v- Made in South Carolina : .? * VULCANIZING IS AN AlljH It take# iwkill to vulcanize a fefl and man^the hole or rent UH as goodnew. But we xan H it, and wift is more, the fepairwM part wilfsSuxe as good service any other jbart of the tire. Yon can keep'y<jur tire bill way down H if you v^H^let us vulcanize yoof l old ones, ires cost money these days. Lelpmis. help you $ave on 19 yours. J L. A. Canwbell & Co. Gary || First I Buick took vibration qfcut of 1 J Now- J 1 it has taken it out oft? the road I La I Now Buick for 1928-Bi^s come forward 1 with another great j contribution to 1 motoring comfort, ^ Irtuick has taken 1 I vibration out of tki raj ^ By equipping I every Buick with Hy^f jaulic Shoot Ah- I sorbers, front and resAjp^^a added lui- I ury that the savings ft of Buick volume I 1 have supplied. A I Let us put a Buick fO& 192& at your disposal so you may tcA this riding com fort for yourself. i JH Sedans ^1195 to J1995 jv Coup* fr1*9 *? ?t$9? M ll Sport Models jBl 195 to 525 I jH 1 All ^ky. f. m. b. Flimt, Wiclk.l w X H r Tk,(.M A. (.fin**,^pUmtMCmrnt\ V ; V ^ M WHEN BETTER AUTOMOBILK9 ARB BbUILT. BUICK WILL BUI IP m BUICKJH938| LITTLE M0T()R\C0MP^?[ J | T. LEE LITTLE. MANAC^J*CAMIIBS| 1 I "!Vr 'k - ' W I