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THE CAMDEN JOURNAL. - v-AN.^ ^ ^ INDEPENDENT FA^II?' PAPER, PUBLISHED BY JOHN KERSHAW. SUBSCRIPTION RATES. One year, in advance .... .*.....$8 00 fcix months 1 50 Three months 75 ' b.* ?? I <si r/ . i ? ? sfegg ^ ^ mr t ai??? ^i' ii i . . ! "I1 ' ' '! , -JLLLL . ^ ' ? <j?f " VOL. XXXI. CAMDEN, S. O., THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 1C, ^VO. XI 't , { ?? ' ' | iii tsr Transient Advertisements must De paia i for in advunce. 3Xiscell?ny. MR. SPRIGamS' EXPERIMENT. * A STORY WITH A MORAL. Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise." "I'll bet you five dollars I can," said Spriggius. , c-. . "And I'll bet you five dollars you can't," said I, emphasizing the last word decidedly. The moral and conscientous reader must not be shocked at what he may consider our gambling proclivities. Like the little boy who was caught at school bending and twisting a pin 1U ".position mi * amuu 1-iiuub to flit up<%," '*wtf didhV-mean no barm by it." The phrase. "I'll bet you five dollars," vu simply a clincher of climax used by Spriggins and myself when we had exhausted every argument, and each , had failed to convince the other he was wrong. And, aincc neither of us, except in rare instances, ever acknowledged ourselves in the wrong, we had to bet five dollars frequently. But we never expected to "fork over" when wc lost. Indeed, we never demanded payment when the point in dispute was settled, but contented ourselves in saying, '! told you so." :" The point in dispute in the present instance arose about an item that appeared in the telegraphic columns of the morning paper. The item read as follows : "John Jones, a convict in the I a State's prison has fallen heir to $50,000. Efforts are being made to secure his pardon." "There." said I, "you sec' the power of money. That man was just as innocent, just as guilty, before he was worth fifty thousand dollars as he was afterwards, but behold what a change. Wealth brings him friends, who make efforts to secure hi-:, pard >?! Hid he remained poor, his friends would have permitted him to rot in prison without raising a lirtic nngcr 10 secure nis i "Jwifdon. This world is a humbug, Mr. Spriggins, a regular'clieat; in the lunguage of a poem I read in boyhood, it's all hollow, hollow, hollow !" ' As I concluded this spiteful little speech Mr. Spriggins straightened himself up in the peculiar way he had when preparing himself for combat, and I knew we would have a fight, our tongues being the weapons, i Without giving the argument pro and eon, e it will sulfice to say that the discussion was brought to an end by Mr. Spriggins propos- ' ing an experiment. lie was, be it understood, a man of means; a business man of good business understanding, but somewhat eccentric ; and the proposition lie nwde was to go around among his friends and tell them that he was dead broke.'" "If,"' said he ' ! d > this and they freely advauco money to start uic in business, I " win. 1 have no doubt that I can borrow all the.money that ? want with nothing but my ; face for security." Then, as stated at the outset, we bet five J ? * l ? *i? n i i dollars cucu on iwj lusuu , uuu x uu?i with eagerness the result of the practical test. I, however, ventured to intimate that if ho cartied out the experiment, he might weaken people's confidence in his truthfulness ; but this only made him think 1 lcared the result, and made him more determined than ?rer. So the experiment was t.icd. lie went to .Mr. Suiith, one of his most intimate friends, and said : "Smith, I'm a bankrupt." "Indeed 1" ejaculated Mr. S., greatly astonished ; 'and pray how has it eouie about ?' j "I?I?" stammered .Mr. Spriggius, hesitatingly, story telling, or, in plain English, lying, was a new sin with him, "1 went security for a friend, find had to pay every dollar . of it. "Too b id, indeed !" was Mr. Smith's sym-' ' pxthizing response. i r,"lf I can only bofrow a few thousands, i however, to get started in busiucss, 1 think ! 1 can get along very well." Jlr. Smith thought there would be no difSflUty in getting the money, lie would be vfry^ad to advance it, himself, but he was [ almost strapped j ust at that time. M r. Sprig-1 gins knew that this was not the cusc, and 1 his opinion of Mr. Smith's undying friendship, uuderwent a rapid and radical change. He saw all of his many friends, and renewed his request to each in turn, but they all happened to be "short" just at that time. After u few days of unsuccessful attempts to borrow money, he humbly confessed he had lost his bet fairly, and that his iacc was not good security among his friends. "I told you so," said I. But an uulooked for trouble came upon him. lie was engaged to a very accotnplish1 rlu Hi* trust, in hoi was unbounded. ?J - ? ? lie had often told tne that, if ever there was a good, true womau ou earth, it was his in tended. But her lather hearing of the bankruptcy of the son-in-law that was to be, accosted him saying: "I understand, Mr. Spriggins, that you have met with a reverse of fortune. "Yes, sir," replied Spriggius, sheepishly. "Of course, under your altered circuinK stances you cannot expect to marry my daughter ?" Here was a new turn in affairs for which Mr. S. was not prepared. He thought at fcrstof correcting the falsehood which he himself had started ; but the idea suddenly Hashed upon his mind that there was a good opportunity for testing the sterling qualities <of bis sweetheart. This would be a triumph which would more than compensate for his 4cfeats in other directions. So he replied : "Of course,sir, I have abetter opinion of your daughter than that she promi ed to be my wife for the sake of sharing my money. 'Marriage for money?' and Mr. Spriggins was becoming very indignant; ;marriage for money, sir, is prostitution and nothing else, jet the world call it whatever it may.'" "Of course, Mr. Spriggins. my daughter thought something of you, but you know a man without moans would he foolish to think of marrying." "I have strong-hands, and I may say, a brave heart, and though deprived of fortune, 1 can earn enough to support myself and another. "It is useless to prolong this controversy, Mr. Spriggins," said the old man. "As a man of honor, you will certainly offer to release my daughter from her engagement. Of course, if she docs not accept your offer of freedom as the host thing under the circumstances. I shall have nothing more to say. Good day, Mr. Spriggins; I am in somewhat of a hurry." ' In a hurry, is he ?" muttered Spriggins, as his intouded father in-law disappeared from view. ' Seems to me everybody is iri a hurry now that meets me. Ah, I understand it. The sickly smile, the flurry and hurry, means that they want to drop me from their list of friends. Well, they shall be accommodated. But there's one friend that 'Sticketh closer than a brother;' she will not desert me. There's great cousolation in that." So saying he hastened to sec her. lie found her in tears. For the first time since engaged in trying his experiment, lie felt like a very mean man. He would have 'confessed at once what a greai liar he had been making of himself, but that would have been a rather awkward undertaking. ' You have not learned," said lie, "that I have met with a sudden reverse of fortune. Your father tells me that the only honorable course for mc is to offer to release you from your engagement. And, while doing so, permit me to say that if after being released from your engagement with Spriggins the rich man, you will plight your faith to him as a poor man, 1 shall be the happiest uior-? t i.. ? i ?ui tal on eartn. i wane 10 uu an nuuuiauiu man, and so give you your freedom." MissDuIeina sobbed convulsively, but finally succeeded in speaking through her sobs so as to be understood "You are very kind, 31 r. Spriggins," she said. "I am very sorry that our engagement must bo broken off, for I did like you very well." And so the hopes that Spriggins had entertained were dashed to the ground. Ilis Dulcina liked him very well, but liked his money better; and so when she imagined it was gone, she, too, lcit him. Without another word he strode off from her presence, a d.fferent, but by 110 means a better man. "So! so!" he muttered, "The engagemerit on her part has been a mere matter of' money, 1 aui as good, and a great deal wiser." "You are right," said he to me. "This world is a humbug, 'lhcre is not a man or M-fnonn ni?nn(r 'ill 111V fflOl.ds that's Worth U p'nch of snuff. But I will be revenged. ] have a plan in my head that will spite old Smith delightfully." Mr. Spriggins seemed to have been struck with a new thought. He left inc abruptly, and T saw him no more for several days. Meantime the news Was spread around that Spriggins was not bankrupt?that it was all a hoax. The next time I saw him, he told me wi th a sort of malieiou pleasure that he had got about even with his friends " Said he: "I know of an investment that will "ho doubt pay at least fifty per cent. I called on Mr. Smith and explained the thing to him. He was highly pleased, and offered to ''go snooks." 'Bu'/ Slid I, 'you have no money ' I've called on the rest with a like result. and I'm revenged." Mr. Spriggins really laughed, but it was rather a disagreeable laugh. ' I met," said he, "the father of her I once intended to marry. He was very friendly, but I told him 1 was in a hurry and could not stop t> talk?:uy tinn being too precious. And every time those false-hearted friends smile so pleasantly, I pass on and tell them I'm in a huriy." T Kimrwis* Sir Snri?r<*ins has had his re - tl - I " TO vcnge, but he is u very sad man, now. lie is an old bachelor, and vows that girls care more about money than a good, true heart, lie says, too, that the love stories scattered around the country arc without foundation in real life. Poor Spriggins I lie has learned at great cost the truth that, "Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise." Tricks of Jugglers. Our sober Christian neighbors of the New York Observer are responsible for the following: We think Hermann and Heller arc jugglers, but what can they do to compare with the Chinese tricksters'! A travelled ut Kinsai was entertained by the Viceroy, the Amir Kustai, and this was one of the amusements: "That same night a juggler appcard, who was one of the great Kaan s slaves, and the Amir said to him, "Come and show us some of your wonders.' Upon this he took a ! wooden ball with seven holes in it, through | which long thongs were passed, and, laying hold of one of these, slung the ball into the air. It went so high that we lost sight of it altogether. (It was the hottest tc.ison of the year, and we were outside in the middle of the palace court.) There now remained only the short one of a thong in the conjurer's r..,n<l Vin nf* tllf* hnvs wild assisted hiui to lay hold of it and mount. He did so, climbing by the thong, and we lost sight of him. The conjurer then called to him three times, but getting no answer, he snatched up a knife, as if in a great rage, laid hold of the thong, and disappeared in his turn. By and by he threw down one ol the boy's hands, then a foot, then the othci hand and the other foot, then the trunk, and last of all, the head! Lastly, he came down himself, puffing and blowing, and with his clothes all bloody, kissed the ground befurt the Amir, and said something to him in Chinese. The Amir gave some order in rc ply, and our friend then took the lad's limbs laid them together in their places, and gave a kick, when, presto! there pus jf?0 boy who got up and stood J^efbre us. All thi: astonished me beyone measure." Six Days Struggle With a Boil. I I awoke on Monday morning with a painful itching, biting, stingling feeling, oil in a spot no larger than a lozenge. Woke up Mrs. Quad, and asked her opinion. She said it was a boil. Woke up Long Primer who shares our couch. After several kicks at the spot, he intimated that it was a boil. Had some difficulty in standing up to eat breakfast. Weut down; asked everybody j ? ?_.j I.,.:I., M.iri oat'anl.v.fnnr I WIIHL >vua gUUU IllI UUilD. IIUU w W V -J -v.? recipes, running from sticking salves to a hot iron. Only swore forty-one times during the day. Tuesday.?Didn't wake up?I was already awake. I measured the boil and foubd it as large as a tea-cup, and the fooliug was ' worse. Tried to repeat a hymn, but had to break oft and kick the dog four blocks^p case my mind. Children got under timetable, and seemed to feel a presentiment. Mrs. Quad unusually gracious, and not hiuting anything about pin money.? Went down town. Man said he'd pay my fare on the car. Struck at him and explained that it made my back ache to ride. Newsboys kept a whole block off. Man asked me for a dollar, and 1 tried to kill hiui on the spot, only restrained by respect for my boil. Number of swears frightfully increased.? Had Job flung at me forty times. Concluded to sit up all night, but got a little sleep while standing on my head. Put some flax seed to the boil. t ' Wednesday.?House got on fire at daylight. I told the'folhs to let her burn, but , they put it out. One umn wanted to know why 1 did ot display more ambition. Tried to shoot him, but he got over the alley fence. Children were sent to the country this morning, probably for a change of air. Boil is now as large sft a teacup and sancer both, particularly the sauce&? No. signs of ,;heading." Seems as if I should] go mad?I aui mad. Put some more flax seed on, and tri> J to look sad and pensive. It- - -- i i ...... .. :'?! ItSl gut lO lUUKIIIg ISO ? I LCI l L mil ti^annu u chair. Policeman pounded on the door and | said he would arrest uic if didn't stop that : family fight. Told him 1 was the only one I up' about as high as T could get. Said ho | would sympathize w.tli me, but went* off and ! forgot to. Can't keep track of the adjeetivos. Ilave contruetcd for a barrel of flux ;seed. Thursday.?Wife lift home this morning, probably for a change of air. Left a j note on the table, telling me she was quite | sure that I had a bail. Peddler rang the! door bell, and asked uic if 1 wanted some ! I pic-plant. The coroner was lugging him away on a d:ay the last I saw. Friends | called and wanted to i-ee my boil. 1 indig; nautly refused to all >w them to d-> so, and , they went ofi'offended, saying that I was ^mighty particular. Pig fire round the corner. Fireman gave nie a kick for a joke. I tried to fight the whole department, but came t - just \ as they were shoving me thr. ugh a back window. The exercise caused the boil to : enlarge. I was too exhausted to swear; ? merely stood myself up against the wall j slanting, and reviled boils. Cat and dog disappeared; probably for u change of air. Friday.?Am lying on the floor, too indignant to move. The boil is there yet. i have made up mind to let it run. Fejvant cirl reached me in some victuals thro'iiyri the window, and said that I seemed to be restless J about something or other. I could only reply by a look. 1 have a calmness which comes j i'r >m a knowledge that one is looking into his tomb. Coroner has been hero twice, and ; seemed much put out that 1 hadn't killed i anybody else. Said I had gone back on him. i Fellow came up hero and asked me why I | was not playing b ise bail, an i got offended | at my silence. Said 1 needn't feel so stuck j up cause I happened to hlive a big boil; and went away without handing over. I am just at the point where man cares nothing for anything, 'J he hoys are shouting mad dog under the window, hoping to get uie up, but 1 don't move. Saturday.?Was just passing into an unconscious state, singing a hymn of resignatio i, when I felt?I felt?well. I yelled, I j sprang on top of the table, kicked off the | crocl.ery, ripped up the so ' , t re up a ten i cent shinplusier, and tried to tind some one to ta':c my note payable on sight. The boil wasbroktn. I called the d g. whistled to I A. ?. ....> - ,i ?,.i, ?i,,. e.;^?,i I III; till, aunt u uin|>uivu i?/ tuu laiiuij, ku.tlu the wages of the girl, end told the man who owed Liie borrowed money, that he could pay me any time it suited him, and I haven't got it yet, Take tilings easy when you have a boil. They are good for,tile health. , Although no one blames a man with a boil for swearing, don't swear. They dont amount to anything. Any one can have a boil as well as not. All you have got to do is to endure. To a YounoUirl?You think you love the young man who is coming this Sunday night to visit you! And he acts as if he loves you ! Suppose he declares himself, and asks you to become his wife. Are you prepared to say to him, 'T love and will trust you through life with uiy happiness, and the lives and weal of our children V' lie isjolly. gay, and handsome, and all the darts of Cupid are twinkling and sparkling in his eyes, but will those eyes always find ex pression from the love oi a true soul I Tonight he says many pleasant things, and draws pretty pictures for the future. Does he go to-nmrrirtv to work which gives promise of the fulfillment of our desires in life ? Do 1 his ambitions and achievements satisfy you ? Does his cvery-day life shine with the noble ' endeavors of a trustworthy man? If you 1 think and desire a companion in your think1 ing?one who can unlock the deepest depths ? of your mind?to what strata of humanity ' does he belong in the scale of excellence and 1 morality ? Is he doing all he can to build up future usefulness and happiness, in which you i can share and feel blessed ? These are the ! questions which the experience of after years ? make many women weep in bitterness of soul s that they had not thought of before they answered '"Yes." A Beautiful Incident, On a beautiful suuimer's day, a clergynrato was call ed to preach in a town in Indiatf^ \ to a young Episcopal congregation. ; At m close of his discourse, he addressed Ins young hearers in such words as these: > ? "Learn that the present life is a jprepar* tion for and has a tendency to eternity. TM present is linked to the future throogbdttl! creation, in the vegetable, in the animal, I in the morul world. As is the seed, ap .?? the fruit; as is the egg. so is is the fowl^iif is the boy, so is the man; and and as is the^tional being in this world, so will he be 1A the next; Dives estranged from God he*6, is Dives estranged from God in the opxt, and Enoch walking with God hero^-is ?noch walking with God in a calm andhettai^World. I beseech you, live, then, for a blessed etefnitv. Go to the worm that yrm tread itpo# learn a lesson of wisdom. The very caterpillar seeks the food that fosters it for another and brighter.state; and more wisely than, man builds its own sopulcher, from whence in time by a kind of resurrection, it comes forth a new creature in almost an angelic form. And now that which crawled flies, and thit fed on comparative gross food, sips the dew that revels in the rich pastures, an emblem of that paradiso where flows the river of life and grows the tree of life. Could the catcrpilTcr have been diverted from its proper element and mode of life, if it had never attained the butterfly's splendid form and hue, it had perished a worthless worm. Consider her ways and be wise. . Let it not be said that ye are more negligent than" worms, and that your reason is less'uvailable than their instinct. As often as the butterfly flits across your path, remember that it whispers in its flight, '-live for the future." With this the preacher closed his discourse; hut to deepen the impression, a butterfly, directed bv the Hand which guides alike the sun ana an atom in its course, fluttered through the church, as if commissioned by Heaven to repeat the exhortation. There was neither speech nor language, hut. its voice was heard saying to tho gazing audience?"Live for the future." Tho Date of the Crucifixion. Her Kalb. the German Suuunt, jn a work recently published, shows that there was a total eclipse of the moon concomitantly with the earthquake that occurred when Julius Caesar was assassinated, on the loth of .March, 11. C. 44. lie also calculated the Jewisn calendar to A. 1). 41, and the result of his researches fully confirms the facts recorded by the Evangelists of the wonderful physical events that accompanied the crucifixion. Astronomical caculutions prove, without a shadow of doubt, that on the 14th day of the Jewish month. Nisan, (April G,) there was a total eclipse of the sun, which was accompanied iu all probability, by the earthquake, "when the veil of the Temple was rent from the top to the bottom, and the earth did quake and the rock rent," Matt, xxxvii., 51; while St. Luke describes tho eclipse in these words:?"And it was the sixth hour (12 noon), and there was darkness over all the land till the ninth hour (3 o'clock P. >1.) and the sun was darkened." (I .iik? y vii . 441. This iii?idc of reckoning corresponds perfectly with the result of another calculation our author made by reckoning backward from the great total eclipse of April, 1818, allowing for the difference between the old and new styles, which also gives April 6, as the date of the new moon in the year A. D. 31. As the vernal equinox of that year fell on March 25. and the Jews ate their Easter Lamb, and celebrated their Frih l'us&oli, or feust of the Passover, on the following new moon, it is clear April G was identical with Nisari 14, of the Jewish calendar, which, moreover, was on Friday, the Puruslccvee or j day of preparation for the sabbath, and this | agrees with the Hebrew Calmond. Thus by tlie united testimony of astronomy, archaeology, traditional and Biblical history, there can be but little doubt that the date of the Crucifixion was April April G, A. Ij. 31. A n A ncient An vi t.-lffia deserted shop in Pittsfield, Massachusetts, tfteso- .rests on j its block an anvil that has done doty for j more than three hundred years. It is as sound to-day as it was in 1GG3, when Kitweed Pouieroy, after welding for the Stuarts I the ponderous horse shoes of the same style | and pattern that his ancestors has made during many generations for the Tudors and I (ri-oiv WOflrv of taXCS without X 1 ?.lw.hv?v?, ? J -law and work without wages, and taking his anvil, sailed for the New World. A deft ' wukman, he throve in the settlements, and left his anvil as an heirloom to his descendants. They show you in the town of London the anvil on which the sword was forged that 11 ichnrd Cocur de Lion used in his famous contest with Salaiin. At the collection of Pompcian antiquities in Naples, there is an anvil made certainly before the Christian era, which had evidently done service for the stalwart workmen of many generations before the city was buried. Put, better still, in the Egyptian room of the British Museum, tlire is a veritable anvil of the Pharaohs'. , A very smart young Chinaman, named Yung Wine, graduated at Yale College in 1854. lie stoodat the head of his class, and was especially distinguished for his talent as a writer of the English language. Ho was cducuted there with a view to his becoming a missionary of the Christian religion in his native country, but in the course of his studies his theological opinions became unsettled, and he abandoned his proposed calling in * * - Kimoftlf fn r>rmmir?rr>r* flo oraer to uevmu uiU,.,w. ^ .... has now,been employed by tho Chinese Government to bring over thirty other youug Chinauien who arc to be educated at Yale College at tho public expense. It is said that thirty Chinese students arc to be entered at Yale College yearly, during the next ten years, and a sum of $150,000 a year has been appropriated by the Chinese Government to pay theircxpenscs. ' About Advertising.' Ton cnn't eat enough .inp a week to last you a year, and you can't ad vcrtise on that plan either. ^edple that advertise only once in three wifche ibiget that moot folks cannot renngpber anything longer; .than about seven ^No bell can ring so loudly as a good advertisement. People will believe what they see rather than what they hear. p > Quitting advertisements in flail times it lite tewing otffe* dam will prevent gotd timesfrom ever coming. " . An Indian once tried the mfVucss of feathers by laying one on' a roofcafcd st etching bimsclf upon it. There am aoine who try. tbe virtue of advertising on the same hlfrlWIitl'IW "f I'd i in I in'11 as of anything oIkTin at "if ifhs'^th doing* at all, it is worth doing welli Bread is the staff of human life, and advertising is the staff of life in trade. A simple "card," may profitably stand years without changing; but a sensation advertisement should be changed as often as you can get the printer to do it. We don'.t recommend advertising as the best way to get a good wife; but we cun recommend it as the best way to get a good trade. ; Small advertisements arc worth more in proportion than largo. If all people were deaf, loud advertisements might be expected to wiq. . . .., Ah6avy advertisement once is more than quadrupled in value by asmull card published for a few months after, giving your address. .. .. Beware of long, prosy advertisements. If you want people to read them, have them "short and sweet." Judicious advertising always pays. Large type is not necessary in uu advertisement. Blind folks don't read newspapers. Never run down your opponent's goods in public. Let him pay for his advertising. _ Governor kobinsonhi* Politeness ? The Kentucky I'eopie gets on tno ioiiowmg anecdote on Governor James P. Kobinson and Judge Duvall, which'bus been long current in the circle of fcbpir friends, but, we believe, has never been .in print before: The Governor isajr.elic of the old regime of Virginia gentlemen?stately, courteous, and punctillious in exercising the rghtsof hospitality. One day he had invited Judge Duvull to ride with hiiu. Arrived at a toll gate, the Judge was about to pay the toll, when Governor Kobinson interposed, saying : "Duvall, I have been trying for years to make a gentleman of you but have uot succeeded. When a gentleman asks you to ride he does not ex-ect you to pay expenses." At this scrio comic address from his old friend, the Judge laughed quietly, and returned his pocket-book to its place. A part of their route lay through farms, with several gates to open. Keaching the tirst gate, Duvall sat still, while the Governor Waited for him to descend and open the gate. After waiting a minute, during which neither spoke a word, Duvall said, with a merry chuckle in his voice: "I would get down and open that gate, but I suppose when one is asked by a gentleman to take a ride ho is not expected to work his way." The Governor silently and solemnly descended aud opened the gate. About the most ludicrous incident that we remember occurred the other day in an ordinarily solemn village in the cow counties. A worthy matron, who "had been absent looking alter a vagrom cow, returned home, and pushing against the door, found 'ilwfnWoil hv annifiliftavv substance, which. ^ J upon examination, proved to be her husband. He hod been slaughtered by some roving joker, who had wrought upon hini with a pick-handle. To one of his ears was pinned a scrap of greasy paper, upon which were scrambled the following sentiments iu pencil tracks : "The inquloscd boddy is that uv old Bunker. Step litely, stranger, fcr ycr lize the mortil part uv wat you ujus be sum da. -Thers arrest for the weery! If Bunker haddente wurkt agin me for Coroner I wuddenta hed to sit on him. Ovsctch is the kingdom of hcvun ! You don't want to moov this boddy till iui summons to hold a inquest. Orl flesh are gras The ridiculous part of the story is that the lady did not wait to summon the coroner, but took charge of the remains herself j and in dragging them toward the bed she exploded into her face a shot-gun, which had been cunningly contrived to discharge by a string connected with the body. Thus was she punished for an infraction of the law. The next day tho particulars were told us by tho facetious coroner himself, whose jury had just rendered ! a verdict of accidental drowning in both cases. We do not know when wc have enjoyed a heartier laugh at genuine California humor.?San Francisco Ncics Letter. Wheat.?The wheat report i9 far less fa?-l-i. *i 4~ 0.,r|v VOrilUIC! Limn UIU ICIUIUS Ul Dpnug miu vu>M summer, except as far as relates tu the Eastern and Middle States. The condition of wheat at the time of harvesting is thus stated: Above an average?New Hampshire, 104; Massachusetts, 101; New York, 102; New Jersey, 110; Pennsylvania, 107 ; Maryland, 102; Michigan, 10(5. Below an average?Maine, 95; Vermont, 99; Delaware, 97; Virginia, 79; North Carolina,59; South n?is? k*-> . Ann,;,, Alabama. 05: laruiiiiu, o*j) v w- j ? f / Mississippi, 94; Texas, 84; Arkansas, 70; Tennessee, *0; West Virginia, 04; Kentucky, 65; Missouri, 97; Illinois, 92; Indiana; 91; Ohio, 99; Wisconsin, 94 ; Minnesota, 80 ; Iowa, 90 ; K. nsas, 98 ; Nebraska, 80; California, 75; Oregon, 95, The amount grown in the South is small and the low condition there will affect the supply but little. The depreciation is about 10 per cent, in the West, which will be partially offset by increase of area. A dentist can stop a woman's tooth, but not her jaw. * ri , </, lsqjuro 8 Ool V6o" 8'66 ii Ot 16 00 1 squares 6 00 9 00) 12 00 18 00 20-00 3 squares 9 00 18 00 16 00 24 00 85 00 4 squares 12 00 16 00 20 00 80 00 4800 i column 15 00 19 00 24 00 84 00 50 00 i column 20 00 30 00 40 00 55 00 80 00 1 I 80 00 50 oof'60 00 90 00150 00 All Transient Advertisements will bo charged One Dollar per Square for^be first and 8kvwn Tr-FivE Cents per Square for euch ?tb??quent insertion. -r?:' JPicoalilli. Bliud lorn cleared $4^,000,la?&year.' > What do great liars do'when I they die? They lie stUl. , ,r,v 9t , Havnnna has subscribed $iO,l 15 fo* the relief of the Chicago suffereri.. A 2,000 pound bar ofsoaptoo^ the place of the big cheese at the Atlanta (Georgia) fair. . r y : ?. A sign on an eating house rm the New Jersey 1 tail way says: "CofFoe and Eggs, fresh laid by Slary Jones." When President Grant visfted Bangor, Maine, th? Bangorillas' stupidly pnt "Welcome" in great letters over the jail door. Why is a woman tying hbr corset like a man drinking to drown cdre??-Because in so-lacing herself she beQomesi tighter. ; ? 2. Two hnndred colored emigrants arrived ? " - i? aL . an Saturday at ?'ortrest> Monroe, irom cne interior, and took passage in the barkaEdith v and Rose for Liberia. i j t One clergyman, at Ioaat;]recognizes in rnib rnnd accidents notvthe .my t?rioua providence o'G d, "bit the reckless carelessness of uian. rieis right.' " Proof positive?Good young lady?1"Little boy, have you ever been baptised'/"' Small heathen?"Oh yes, muin; I've got the marks hereon my.arm." i o i The phrasey "you howvit is yourself," has been traced to Sbakespeaie? The idea is found in the Merry,of ^ Act II, ac?,,o 2. . , Tight pantaloons;', it is said, will-come into fashion again, and otfr, men of shape and talent therefore may begin to overhaul their old clothes. To flatter persons adroitly one must know three things?what they are, what thejfr. think they are. and what they want other*,? ito think they are* Pride is one of the seven deadly sins; but it caunot be the pride of ft mother in her children, for that is a compound of two cardinal virtues?faith and hope. 5 V.<U<7 Anna Dickinson says she proposes giving the newspaper men that talk about her "tit xor tat." Sol Miller, a Kansas editor, replies to this by saying, "All right, Annie, we'll trade; hero's your 'tat.'" . > The champagne viiitago has failed, and this added to the depredations of the German soldiery will make the sparkling beverage scarce and high for some time to come. But what's the odds so lout: as Jersey crab ap ples'renmin ? . . ml A gentleman in beginning tq write out a bond began thus, "Know one woman by these present." "Hold on 1" ex'duitned' & lawyer; "it should be, 'Know all men by these present.'" "Very well," said the gentleman, "ifone woman knows it, all una will be sur.e to know it, also." A colored member of the.Legislature of Texas was met upon the street with a large roll of greenbacks in his hand, and cackling so loud that he nttracted the attention of the bystanders who said to him : "What are yon laughing at JimJim replied, "You sco that money?" "Yes," "Well, boss, I just got that for my vote; I'se been bought four or five times in my life, but dis is de fust time 1 ever got do cash myself." A Tennessee man, residing wliero forests and game are plenty, says that his boys, who all have a guu apiece, became short of percussion caps a fo r days ago, and the first thing he knew they were shooting mat?h heads as a substitu'e. How many boxes of witches he had lrot in that way he did not say, but he found they fired as dear as the cap itself. Hero is a cha ice for some man to make a fortune by getting out a n< w put- . ent. All that is necessary is to adapt the gunlock to the match head. Tho Portland Transcript says: We happened to he so close to the President when he kissed the great bevy of Bangor girls at Norombega hall, that we <yn bear witness to the fact that it was not u feat of mero passive endurance. He met the gay beauties half way. Ilis face was as impassive as ever, but there was unmistakable fire in his eyes. The girls were those who represented the several States in the procession' and of course it was their representative rather than their personal character that they wero kissed. Still if there had been one hundred States, we are convinced tho President would have performed his whole duty in the premises. The German Artie expedition did not discover the open sou attor all?i fact which is rather mortifying to the knights of the quill who made such an outcry over thp false report. Somo practical, scientific individual, \vho hes no soul for sentiment, informs tho ' * n 1! ?ek.if ui^uf flinv diil | too conaumg rcfiuuin> ui?i- ...v ..... discover was "an open channel between Spitzbcrgcn and Nova Zcuibla, which, it was surmised, (uiark the word.) ni ght possibly lead into an open Polar son." It re, mains to be proved that this channel was anything more than a temporary opening through the ice, and that a second expedition may not find it locked assecurlyas any other part of the Arctic seas. President Grant attempted to. writo his Thanksgiving proclamation without consulting anybody, and of course, as all know, ho 1 T J --J 1 Dlundtrea. inueeu, mo unuu nao huijtu by thinking of the Ku-Klux, that when tho first draft of his Thanksgiving proclamation was placed in tho hands of his private secretary for correction, it was in substance very like his preliminary Ku-Klux proclamation. It commanded the people to peaceably assemble within five days from date and deliver up their prayers; and threatened a general suspension of the wr:t of habeas corpus, a declaration of martial law. and the arrest of all who disobeyed the order if it was not universally observed. Of course it was corrected, and Grant never knew the difference. . /