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YORKVILIE ENQUIRER. 1S9OTD 9KMI-VEEKLT. l. m. grists sons. PnbUih.r.. { ? Jfamilg gHMpaptr: Jfor <hj fromolion ofthg folitical, JSoqial. Sgricnlttmal and (foromntial jwttrqsts of thi gtoplq. { ESTABLISHED 1855. YORKVILLE, S. C., FRIDAY, AUGUST 31, 19Q6. , KTO. 7Q. FUN WITH CI1 Humorous Story Li NED BRACE GO He Makes Monkies of the Pe Extent That People S1 They Th H P?M8Hqn<j 'sauaos Bpgjoao ,iuoj^s There are some yet living who knew the man whose character I am about to delineate, and these will unanimously bear testimony that, if it be not faithfully drawn, it is not overdrawn. They cannot avouch for the truth of the anecdotes which I am about to relate of him, because of these they know nothing; but they will unhesitatingly declare that there is nothing herein ascribed to him of which he was Incapable. and of which he would not readily have been the author, supposing the scenes in which I have placed him to be real, apd the thoughts and actions attributed to him to have actually suggested themselves to him. They will further testify that the thoughts and actions are in perfect harmony with his general character. I do not feel at liberty as yet to give the name of the person in question, and therefore he shall be designated for the present by the appellation of Ned Brace. TH<a mar, onnmnfl *A llvo nnlv to 1 amuse himself with his fellow-beings, and he possessed the rare faculty of deriving some gratification of his favorite propensity from almost every person whom he met, no matter what his temper, standing, or disposition. Of-course he had opportunities enough of exercising his uncommon gift, and he rarely suffered an opportunity to pass unimproved. The beau in the presence of his mistress, the fop. the pedant, the purse-proud, the over-fastidious and sensitive, were Ned's favorite game. These never passed him uninjured, and against such he directed his severest shafts. With these he commonly amused himself, by exciting in them every variety of emotion, under circumstances peculiarly ridiculous. He was admirably fitted to his vocation. He could assume any character which his humor required him to personate, and he could sustain it to perfection. His knowledge of the charao- I ter of others seemed to be inttlttve. It may seem remarkable, bft it is true. that, though he lived his own peculiar life for about sixteen years, after he reached the age of manhood he never involved himself in a personal rencounter with any one. This was owing In part to h|s muscular frame, which few would be willing to engage, but more particularly to his adroitness in the management of his projects of fun- He generally oonducted them In such a way as to render it impossible for any one to call him to account without violating all the rules of decency, politeness, and chivalry at onoe. But a few anecdotes of him will give the reader a much better iqea or his character than be can possibly derive from ft general description. If these fulfill the description which I have gl'*en of my hero, all will agree that he is no Imaginary being; if they do not. It will only be because I am unfortunate in my selection. Having known him from his earliest manhood to his grave ?for he was a native Georgian?I confess that I am greatlyq perplexed in determining what portions of his singular history to lay before the reader as a proper specimen of the whole. A three days' visit which I once made with him to Savannah placed him in a greater variety of scenes and among a greater diversity of characters than perhaps any other period of h|s life embracing no longer time; and, therefore, I will choose this for my purpose. We reached Savannah just at nightfall of a cold December evening- As we approached the tavern of Mr. Blank at which we designed to stop, Ned proposed to me that we should drop our acquaintance until he should choose to renew it. To this proposition I most cordially assented, for I knew that, so doing, I should be saved some mortifications, and avoid a thousand questions which I would not know how to answer. According to this understanding, Ned lingered behind in order that t miirht rpnnh thi> tavern alone. On alighting at the public house I was led into a large dining room, at the entrance of which, to the right, stood the bar, opening into the dining room. On the left, and rather near to the centre of the room, was a fireplace, surrounded by gentlemen. Upon entering the room my name was demanded at the bar; it was given, and I took my seat in the circle around the fire. I had been seated Just long enough for the company to survey me to their satisfaction and resume their conversation, when Ned's heavy footsteps at the door turned the eyes or tne company to the approaching stranger. "Your name, sir, if you please?" said the restless little barkeeper, as he entered. Ned stared at the questioner with apparent alarm, cast a fearful glance at the company, frowned, and shook his head in token of caution to the barkeeper; ; looked confused for a moment, then, as if suddenly recollecting himself, Jeiked a piece of paper out of his pocket, turned from the company, wrote on it with his pencil, handed it to the barkeeper, walked to the left of the fireplace, and took the most conspicuous seat in the circle. He looked at no one, spoke to no one, but, fixing his eyes on the fire, lapsed into a profound reverie. The conversation, which had been pretty general before, stopped as short as if every man in the room had been shot dead. Every eye was fixed on Ned. and every variety of expression was to be seen on the countenances of the persons present. The landlord came in; the barkeeper whispered to him and looked at Ned. The landlord looked at him too with astonishment and alarm; the barkeeper produced a piece of paper, and both of them exam THE TY FOLKS. of Early Georgia fe. ES ON A LARK. ople of Savannah, to Such an .Ml V V Tim* kill JLtftaug&i ijvti jr a iuiv ink Of It. irper & Brothers. ined it, as If searching for fig-mite with the naked eye. "they rose from the examination unsatisfied, and looked at Ned again. Those of the company who recovered first from their astonishment tried to revive the conversation, but the effect was awkward, met with no support, and failed. The barkeeper, for the first time in his life, became dignified and solemn, and left the bar to take care of. itself. The landlord had a world of foolish questions to ask the gentlemen directly opposite to Ned, for which purpose he passed round to them every two minutes, and the answer to none did he hear. Three or four boarders coming in, who were unapprised of what had happened, at length revived the conversation; not, however, until they had created some confusion by inquiring of their friends the cause of their sober looks. As soon as the conversation began to become easy and natural Ned rose and walked out Into the entry. With the first movement all were as hushed as death, but when he had cleared the door another Babel scene ensued. Some Inquired, others suspected, and all wondered. Some were engaged In telling the strangers what had happened, others were making towardB the bar, and all were becoming clamorous, when Ned returned and took his seat. His re-entry was as fatal to conversation as was the first movement of his exit; but It soon recovered from the shock, with the difference, however, that those who led before were now mute, and wholly absorbed In the contemplation of Ned's person. After retaining his seat for about ten minutes, Ned rose again, inquired the way to the stable, and left the house. As soon as he passed the outer door, the barkeeper hastened to the company with Ned's paper In his hand. "Gentlemen," said he, "can any of you tell me what name this is?" All rushed to the paper In an Instant; one or two pair of heads met over It with considerable force. After pondering over It to their heart's content, they ? * * * "*? " A * V* fl an lnt tnti ura Q an an agiccu vna i IIIC uiov (vtvvi f*wo HM "E," and the second a "B" or an "R," and the d?1 himself could not make out the balance. While they were tl.us engaged, to the astonishment of everybody, Ned interrupted their deliberations with, "Gentlemen. If you have satisfied yourselves with that paper. I'll thank you for It." It is easy to imagine, but impossible to describe, the looks and actions of the company under their surprise and mortifioation. They dropped off, and left the barkeeper to his appropriate duty of handing the paper to Ned. He reached it forth, but Ned moved not a hand to receive it for about the space of three seconds, during which time he kept his eyes fixed upon the arch-offender In awfully solemn rebuke. He then took it gravely and put It In his pocket, and left the barkeeper with a shaking ague upon him. From this moment he became Ned's most obsequious and willing slave. Supper was announoed; Mrs. Blank, the landlady, took the head of the table. and Ned seated himself next to her. Her looks denoted some alarm at finding him so near to her, and plainly showed that he had been fully described to her by her husband or some one else. "Will you take tea or coffee, sir?" said she. "Why, madam," said Ned, in a tone as courteous as Chesterfield himself could have used, "I am really ashamed to acknowledge and to expose my very singular appetite; but habitual indulgence or it nas maae u necessary to my comfort. If not to my health, that I should still favor It when I can. If you will pardon me, I will take both at the same time." This respectful reply (which, by-theway, she alone was permitted to hear) had its natural effect. It won for him her unqualified Indulgence, raised doubts whether he could be the suspicious character which had been described to her, and begat In her a desire to cultivate a further acquaintance with him. She handed to him the two cups, and accompanied them with some remarks, drawn from her own observation in the line of her business, calculated to reconcile him to his whimsical appetite; but she could extract from Ned nothing but monosyllables, and sometimes not even that much. Consequently, the good lady began very soon to relapse into her former feelings. Ned placed a cup on either side of him, and commenced stirring both at the same time very deliberately. This done, he sipped a little tea, and asked Mrs. B. for a drop more milk in it. Kn tootoH hia pnfPcip And desired a little more sugar in it. Then he tasted his tea again, and requested a small lump more sugar in it. Lastly, he tasted his coffee, and desired a few drops more milk in that. It was easy to discover that, before he got suited, the landlady had solemnly resolved never to offer any more encouragements to such an appetite. She waxed exceedingly petulant, and, having nothing else to scold, she scolded the servants, of course. Waffles were handed to Ned. and he took one; batter cakes were handed, and he took one; and so on of muffins, rolls, and corn bread. Having laid in these provisions, he turned into his plate, upon his waffle and batter cake, some of the crumbs of the several kinds of bread which he had taken, in different proportions, and commenced mashing all together with his knife. During this operation the landlady frowned and pouted, the servants gig gled, and the boarders were variously affected. Having reduced his mess to the consistency of a hard poultice, he placed it all up to one side of his plate in the from of a terrapin, and smoothed it all over nicely with his knife. Nearly opposite to Ned, but a little below him, sat a waspish little gentleman, who had been watching him with increasing torments from the first to the I last movement of Ned's knife. His tortures were visible to blinder eyes than Ned's, and, doubtless, had been seen by him in their earliest paroxysms. This gentleman occupied a seat nearest to a dish of steak, and was in the act of muttering something about "brutes" to his next neighbor, when Ned beckoned* a servant to him, and requested him "to ask that gentleman for a small bit of steak." The servant obeyed, and, planting Ned's plate directly between the gentleman's and and the steak dish, delivered his message. The testy gentleman turned his head, and the first thing he saw was Ned's partl-colored terrapin right under his nose. He started as If he had been struck by a snapping-turtle, reddened to scarlet, looked at Ned (who appeared as innocent as a lamb), looked at the servant (who appeared as innocent as Ned), and then fell to work on the steak as If he were amputating all Ned's limbs at once. Ned now commenced his repast. He ate his meat and breads in the usual way, but he drank his liquids In all ways. First a sip of tea, then of coffee; then two of the first and one of the last; then three of the last and one of the first, aftd so on. His steak was soon consumed, and his plate was a second time returned to the mettlesome gentleman "for another very small bit of steak." The plate paid Its second visit precisely as It had Its first; and as soon as the fiery gentleman saw the half-demolished terrapin again under his nose he seised a fork, drove It into the largest 0II/.0 ,|MV In tho rtlnh rinnhAri It In to Ned's plate, rose from the table, and left the room, cursing Ned from the very Inmost chamber of his soul. Every person at the table, except Ned, laughed outright at the little man's fury; but Ned did not even smile; nay, he looked for all the world as if he thought the laugh was at him. The boarders one after another retired, until Ned and the landlady were left alone at the table. "Will you have, another cup of tea and coffee, sir?' said she, by the way of convincing him that he ought to retire, seeing that he had finished his supper. "No, 1 thank you, madam," returned Ned. "Will you have a glass of milk, and a cup of tea or coffee, or all three together?" "No, ma'am," said Ned. "I am not blind, madam," continued he, "to the effects which my unfortunate eccentricities hav?p produced upon yourself and your company; nor have I witnessed them without those feelings which are well calculated to inspire In a man of ordinary sensibilities. I am aware, too, that I am prolonging and agravating your uneasiness by detainl**cr vnn hnvnnH tha hnnr whlph "?5 J V" WV/ VMM *HV ??v?? " M? ??mands your presence at the table; but I could not permit you to retire without again bespeaking your indulgence of the strange, unnatural appetite which has just caused you so much astonishment and mortification. The story of Its beginning might be Interesting, and certainly would be Instructing to you if you are a mother; but I am indisposed at this time to obtrude it upon your patience, and I presume you are still less disposed to hear It. My principal object, however, In claiming your attention for a moment at this time is to assure you that, out of respect to your feelings, I will surrender the enjoyment of my meals for the few days that I have to remain in Savannah, and conform to the customs of your table. The sudden change of my habit will expose me to some Inconvenience, and may, perhaps, affect my health; but I will willingly Incur these hazards rather than renew your mortification, or Impose upon your family the trouble of giving me my meals at my room." The good lady, whose bitter feelings had given place to the kinder emotion of pity and benevolence before Ned had half concluded his apology (for it was delivered in a tone of the most melting eloquence), caught at this last hint, and insisted upon sending his meals to his room. Ned reluctantly consented, after extorting a pledge from her that she would assume the responsibilities of the trouble that he was about to give the family. "As to your boarders, madam," said Ned, In conclusion, "I have no apology to make to them. I grant them the privilege of eating what they please and as they please; and, so far as they are concerned, I shall exercise the same orivileees. reckless of their feelings or opinions; and I shall take it as a singular favor if you will say nothing to them or to any one else which may lead them to the discovery that I am acquainted with my own peculiarities." The good lady promised obedience to his wishes, and Ned, requesting to be conducted to his room, retired. A group of gentlemen at the fireplace had sent many significant "hems" and smiles to Mrs. Blank during her tetea-tete with Ned; and as she approached them, on her way out of the room, they began to taunt her playfully upon the impression which she seemed to have made upon the remarkable stranger. "Really," said one, "I thought the impression was on the other side." "And, in truth, so it was," said Mrs. B. At this moment her husband stepped in. "I'll tell you what it is, Mr. Blank," said one of the company, "you'd better keep a sharp lookout on that stranger; our landlady is wonderfully taken with nun. "I'll be bound," said Mr. B., "for my wife; the less like anybody else in the world he is, the better will she like him." "Well, I assure you," said Mrs. B., "I never had my feelings so deeply interested in a stranger in my life. I'd give the world to know his history." "Why, then," rejoined the landlord, "I suppose he has been quizzing us all this time." "No," said she, "he is incapable of quizzing. "All that you have seen of him is unaffected, and perfectly natural to him." "Then, really," continued the hus/ band, "he Is a very interesting object, i and I congratulate you upon getting so early Into his confidence; but, as I am not quite as much captivated with < his unaffected graces as you seem to i be, I shall take the liberty, in charity ( to the rest of my boarders, of request- I ing him tomorrow to seek other lodg- ' Ings." "Oh," exclaimed Mrs. B., In the good- < ness of her heart, and with a counte- f nance evincive of the deepest feelings, < "I would not have you do such a thing < for the world. He's only going to stay t a few days." I "How do you know?" 8 "He told me so, and do let's bear with c him that short time. He sha'n't trou- e ble you or the boarders any more." t "Why, saran," saw me lanaiora. 1 i do believe you are out of your senses!" I "Gone case," said one boarder. I "Terrible afTalr!" said another. "Be- t witching little fellow," said a third, t "Come, Mrs. Blank, tell us all he said 8 to you! We young men wish to know t how to please the ladles, so that we r may get wives easily. I'm determined, v the next party I go to, to make a soup of everything on the waiters and eat " all at once. I shall then become irre- f slstible to the ladles." "Get along with your nonsense," said v Mrs. B., smiling, as she left the room. r At 8 o'clock I retired to my room, which happened (probably from the circumstance of reaching the hotel I within a few minutes of each other) to be adjoining Ned's. I had no sooner entered my room than Ned followed o me, where we interchanged the par- a tlculars which make up the foregoing story. He now expended freely the d laughter which he had been collecting r during the evening. He stated that his last Interview with Mrs. Blank was t the result of necessity; that he found v he had committed himself in making up n and disposing of his odd supper, for a that he should have to eat In the same way during his whole stay In Savan- fl nah unless he could manage to get his d meals In nrlvate: and. thouah he was ItJ willing to do penance for one meal In e order to purchase the amusement he had enjoyed, he had no idea of tor- t mentlng himself three or four days for li the same purpose. To tell you the li honest truth, said he, nothing but an n appetite whetted by fasting and trav- ti eling could have borne me through the s table scene. As It was, my stomach s several times threatened to expose my c trick to the whole company, by down- I right open rebellion. I feel that I must t make it some atonement tor the liberty I have taken with It. and therefore a propose that we go out and take an v oyster supper before we retire to rest. 1 I assented. We set out, going separ- t ately until we reached the street. li We were received by the oyster-ven- t der In a small shop which fronted upon ? the street, and were conducted through * it to a back door, and thence, by a flight ( of steps, to a convenient room on the t second floor of an adjoining building, a We had been seated about three min- 1 utes when we heard footsteps on the r stairs, and directly caught this sen- t tence from the ascending stranger: 1 "Aha, Mohsleur Mlddletong! you say c you hab de bes' oyatar in la clttee! c Vel, me shall soon see." a The sentence was hardly uttered be- t tore the door opened and In stepped a r 1-1? 11111- rt-AM-kmo M Ua t gay, sum ivy nmc rrcuuiuuau. *j v made us a low bow, and, as soon as he rose from his obeisance, Ned rushed to him In transports of Joy, seized him by the hand, and, shaking it with friendship's warmest grasp, exclaimed, "How do you do, my old friend? I had no idea of meeting you here; how do you do, Mr. Squeezelfanter? how have you been this long time?" "Sair," said the Frenchman, "me tank you ver* much to lub me so hard; but you mistake de gentleman; my name is not de Squeezilfaunter." "Come, come, John," continued Ned. "quit your old tricks before strangers. Mr. Hall, let me Introduced you to my particular friend, John Squeezelfanter, from Paris." "Perhaps, sir," said I, not knowing well what to say or how to act in such an emergency?"perhaps you have mistaken the gentleman." "Begar, sair," said monsieur, "he is mistake eberytlng at once. My name is not Zhaun; me play no treek; me is not de gentlemong fren; me did not come from Paree; but from Bordeaux; mo /H/J not onnnnao /Inrn \i;q a a man In all France dat was name de Squeezilfaunter.' < "If I am mistaken," said Ned, "I i humbly ask your pardon; but, reafly, ( you look so much like my old friend < Jack, and talk so much like him, that c I would have sworn you were he." "Vel, salr," said monsieur, looking 1 at Ned as though he might be an ac- ' qualntance after all, "vel, salr, dls time i you tell my name right, my name Is J Jacques*?Jacques Sancrlc.' I "There," proceeded Ned, "I knew It ? was Impossible I could be mistaken; I your whole family settled on Sandy I Creek; I knew your father and mother, < your sisters Patsy and Dllsy, your brother Ichabod, your aunt Bridget, s your?" 1 "Oh, mon Dleu, mon Dieu!" exclaim- i ed the Frenchman, no longer able to 1 contain his surprise; "dat Is von I 'Mericane famllee. Dare vas not one 1 FYenoh famllee hab all dat name since < dls vorl' vas make." < "Now look at me, good Jack," said 1 Ned, "and see If you don't recollect your I old friend Obadlah Snoddleburg, who i used to play with you, when a boy, In 1 Sandy Creek." I "Vel, Monsieur Snotborg, me look at I you ver" veil, and, begar, me neber see i you in de creek, nor out de creek. 'Tls ' ver' surprise you not know one name i from one creek." "Oh, very well, sir, very well; I forgot where I was; I understand you now, perfectly. You are not the first ' gentleman I have met with In Savan- i nah who knew me well In the country and forgot me In town. I ask your 1 pardon, sir, and hope you'll excuse me." 1 "Me Is ver* will' to know you now, < salr; but, begar, me will not tell ycu one lie, to know you twenty-five ard tlrty years ago." "I makes no difference, sir," said Ned, looking thoughtfully and chagrined. "I beg leave, however, befoi*e we close our acquaintance, to correct one mistake which I made. I said ycu were from Paris; I believe, on reflection, I was wrong; I think your sister Dllsy told me you were from Bordeaux." "Foutre de slst' Dils! Here, Mon This name in French is pronounced very nearly like "Jack" in English. deur Middletong! My oystar ready?" "Tes, sir." "Vel, If my oystar ready, you give lem to my fren' Monsieur Snotborg; ind ask him to be so good to carry iem to my slst' Dlls, and my brodder [chbod on Sand Creek." So saying, he vanished like lightning. The next morning, at breakfast, I oc:upied Ned's seat Mrs. Blank had no looner taken her place than she orderid a servant to bring her a waiter, up>n which she placed a cup of tea and mother of coffee; then ordering three dates, she placed them on it; sent one lervant for one kind of bread, and an>ther for another; and so on through ill the varieties that were on the tade, from which she made selections for date No. 1. In the same way she colected meats for plate No. 2; No. 3 she eft blank. She had nearly completed ler operations, when her husband came o know why every servant was enraged and no gentleman helped to anyhlng, when the oddly furnished waiter net his eye and fully explained the yonder. "In Qod's name, Sarah," said he, who are you mixing up those messes or?" "For that strange gentleman we rere speaking of last night," was the eply. "Why doesn't he come to the table?" "He was very anxious to come, but would not let him." "You would not let him? Why not?" "Because I did not wish to see a man >f his delicate sensibilities ridiculed ,nd Insulted at my table." "Delicate devilabltitles! Then why lldn't you send a servant to collect his nlxtures?" "Because I preferred, doing it myself 0 troubling the boarders. I knew that, 1 herever his plates went, the gentlemen would be making merry over them, nd I couldn't bear to see it' The landlord looked at her for a moment with commingled astonishment, loubt, and alarm; and then, upon the ireath of a deep-drawn sigh, proceedd: "Well, d?n* the man! He hasn't teen In the house more than two todrs, except when he was asleep, and le has insulted one half my boardeis, nade fools of the other half, turned tlie lead of my barkeeper, crazed all my ervants, and run my wife right static, taring, raving mad; a man who Is a erfect clown In his manners, and who, have no doubt, will in the end prove o be a horse-thief." Much occurred between the landlord nd his lady In relation to Ned which re must, of necessity, omit. Suffice t to say that her assiduities to Ned, ter unexplained sympathies for him, ter often-repeated desires to become tetter acquainted with him, conspiring ylth one or two short Interviews which ier husband saw between her and Ned and which consisted of nothing more han expressions of regret on his part it the trouble be was giving the f&mly, and assurance on hers that It was 10 trouble at all), began to bring upon he landlord the husband's worst caamity. This she soon observed; and, lonslderlng her duty to her husband as if paramount obligation, she gave him in explanation that was entirely satlsactory. She told him that Ned was a nan of reflned feelings and highly culivated mind, but that, In his infancy, lis mother had forced him to eat diferent kinds of diet together, until she lad produced In him a vitiated and unconquerable appetite, which he was low constrained to Indulge, as the Irunkard does his, or be miserable. As ?3 ? ?Knllntrn lit? guuu mail wtxa picpaicu w UCUVTV iny story of woman's folly, he was satsfied. This beings the Sabbath, at the usual tour Ned went to church, and selected or his morning: service one of those :hurches In which the pews are free, ind In which the hymn Is given out, ind sung by the congregation, a half ecltative,. Ned entered the church In a* fast a valk as he could possibly assume; pro :eeded about half down the aisle, ana >opped himself down in his seat as iuick as If he had been shot. The more houghtless of the congregation began :o titter, and the gra ver peeped upslyy but solemnly at him. The pastor rose, and before giving out he hymn, observed that singing was a 3art of the service In which he thought he whole congregation ought to join. Thus saying, he gave out the first lines >f the hymn. As soon as the tune ,vas raised, Ned struck In with one >f the loudest, hoarsest, and most dls;ordant voices that ever annoyed a sol:mn assembly. "I would observe," said the preacher, jefore giving out the next two lines, 'that there are some persons who have lot the gift of singing; such, of course, ire not expected to sing." Ned took :he hint and sang no more;; but his mtrance into church and his entrance nto the hymn had already dispersed Lhe solemnity of three-fifths of the :ongregation. As soon as the pastor commenced his sermon, Ned opened his eyes, threw back his head; dropped his under-Jaw, ind surrendered himself to the most ntense interest. The preacher was an ndiiTerent one; and by as much as he became dull and insipid, by so much Sid Ned become absorbed in the dissourse. And yet it was impossible for the nicest observer to detect anything In his looks or manner short of the most solemn devotion. The effect which his conduct had upon the congregation, and their subsequent remarks, must be left to the imagination bf the reader. I give but one remark: "Bless that good man who came In the church so quick," said a venerable matron as she left the church door, "how he was affected by the sarment!" Ned went to church no more on that Say. About four o'clock In the afternoon, while he was standing at the tavern door, a funeral procession passed by, at the foot of which, and singly, walked one of the smallest: men I ever saw. As soon as he came opposite the door. Ned stepped out and joined him with great solemnity. The contrast between the two was iudicorusly striking, and the little man's looks and uneasiness plainly showed that he felt it. However, he soon became recdnclled to it. They proceeded but a little way before Ned Inquired of his companion who was dead. I should certainly omit such expressions as this, could I do so with historic fidelity; but the peculiarities of the times of which I am writing cannot be faithfully represented without them. In recording things as thoy are, truth requires me sometimes to put profane language Into the mouths of my characters. "Mr. Noah Bills," said the little man. "Nan?" said Ned, raising his hand to his ear, In token of deafness, and bending his head to the speaker. "Mr. Noah Bills," repeated the little man, loud enough to disturb the two couples Immediately before him. "Mrs. Noel's Bill!" said Ned, with mortification and astonishment. "Do the white persons pay such respect to niggers In Savannah? I sha'n't do it" So saying, he left the procession. rnu? 1U?1A MtfiM ntno nt Aeat AnnoMara. X lie nine IIICU1 ITOO ai IIIOI vuuoium ? bly nettled; but, upon being left to his own reflections, he got Into an uncontrollable fit of laughter, as did the couple immediately In advance of him, who overheard Ned's remark. The procession now exhibited a most mortifying spectacle;; the head of It In mourning and in tears, and the foot; of it convulsed with laughter. On Monday Ned employed himself In disposing of the business which brought him to Savannah, and I saw but little of him; but I could not step Into the street without hearing of him. All talked about him, and hardly any two agreed about his character. On Tuesday he visited the market, and set It all In astonishment or laughter. He wanted to buy something of everybody, and some of everything; but could not agree upon the terms of a trade, because he always wanted his article in such portions and numbers as no one would sell, or upon conditions to which no one would submit To give a single example: he beset an old negro woman to sell him the half of a living chicken. "Do, my good mauma, sell It to me," said he; "my wife Is very sick, and is longing for chicken pie, and this Is ail the money I have" (holding out twelve and a half cents in silver), "and It's lust what a half-chicken comes to at your own price." "Kl, massa! how gwlne cut live chicken In two?" "I don't want you to cut it in two alive; kill It, clean it, and then divide It." "Name o' God! what sort o' chance got to clean chicken in de markethouse? Whay de water for scall um and wash um?" "Don't scald it at an; jusi pick u, so." "Ech-ech! Feddle fly all ober de buckeraman meat, he come bang me to' true. No, massa; I mighty sorry for your wife, but I no cutty chicken open." In the afternoon Ned entered the dining-room of the taverr, and who should he And there but Monsieur Sancrlc, of oyster-house memory. He and the tavern keeper were alone. With the Arst glimpse of Ned, "Le diable!" exclaimed the Frenchman, "here my brodder Ichbod 'gain!" and away he went. "Mr. Sancrtc!" said the landlord, calling to him as If to tell him something just thought of, and following him out, "what did you say that man's name is?" "He name Monsieur Snotborg." "Why that can't be his name for It begins with a B or an R. Where is he from?" "From Sand Creek." "Where did you know him?" "PoMr me neher did know him." Here Ned sauntered In sight of the Frenchman, and he vanished. "Well,'' said the landlord, as he returned, "It does seem to me that everybody who has anything to do with that man runs crazy forthwith." When he entered the dining room he found Ned deeply engaged reading a child's primer, with which he seemed wonderfully delighted. The landlord sat for a moment, smiled, and then hastily left the room. As soon as he disappeared, Ned laid down his book, and took his station behind some cloaks In the bar, which at the moment was deserted. He had just reached his place when the landlord returned with his lady. "Oh," said the first, "he's gone! I brought you In to show you what kind of books your man of 'refined feelings and highly cultivated mind' delights In. But he has left his book, and here It is, opened at the place- where he left off; and do let's see what's In It." They examined, and found that he had been reading the interesting poem of "Little Jack Horner." "Now," continued the landlord, "If you'll believe me, he was Just as much delighted with that story as you or I would be with the best written number of the Spectator." "Well, it's very strange," said Mrs. Blank; "I reckon he must be flighty, for no man could have made a more gentlemanly apology than he did to me for his peculiarities, and no one could have urged it more feelingly." "One thing is very certain," said the husband; "If he be not flighty himself he has a wonderful knack of making everybody else so. Sancric ran away from him Just now as if he had seen the devil; called him by one name when he left the room, by another at the door, told me where he came from, and I finally swore he did not know him at all." Ned, having slipped softly from the bar Into the entry during this interview, entered the dining-room as if from the street. ? "I am happy," said he, smiling, "to meet you together and alone, upon the eve of my departure from Savannah, that I may explain to you my singular conduct and ask your forgiveness of it. I will do so If you will not expose my true character until I shall have left the city." This they promised. "My name, then," continued he, "is Edward Brace, of Richmond county. Humor has been my besetting sin from my youth up. It has sunk me far below the station to which my native gifts entitled me. It has robbed me of the respect of all my acquaintances and, what is much more to be regretted, the esteem of some of my best and most indulgent friends. All this I have long known; and I have a thousand times deplored, and as often resolved to conquer, my self-destroying propensity. But so deeply is it wrought Into my very nature, so completely and lndlssolubly Interwoven Is It with every fibre and filament of my being, that I have found It Impossible for me to subdue It. Being on my first visit to Savannah, unknowing and unknown, I could not forego the opportunity which it furnished of gratifying my ungovernable proclivity. All the extravagance which you have seen have been In subservience to it." He then explained the cause of his troubling the kind lady before him to give him his meals at his room, and the strange conduct of Monsieur San crlc, at which they both laughed heartily. He referred them to me for confirmation of what he had told them. Having gone thus far, continued he, "I must sustain my character until tomorrow, when I shall leave Savannah." Having now two more to enjoy his humor with him and myself, he let himself loose that night among the boarders with all his strength, ana never did I see two mortals laugh as did Mr. and Mrs. Blank. Far as I have extended this sketch, I cannot close without exhibiting Ned In one new scene in which accident placed him before he left Savannah. About two o'clock on the morning of our departure the town was alarmed by the cry of fire. Ned got up before me, and, taking one of my boots from the door and putting one of his in its place, he marched down to the front door n> liVt /\/l /I K/\rvto An nnmlnff Ailf OIlH ? IHI VUU UVA/VD. Vli UUIIIlllQ uu v MMW finding what had been done I knew that Ned could not have left the house, for it was impossible for him to wear my boot. I was about descending the stairs when he called to me from the front door, and said the servant had mixed our boots, and that he had brought down one of mine. When I reached the front door I found Ned and Mr. and Mrs. Blank there; all the inmates of the house having left it, who designed to leave it, but Ned and myself. "Don't go and leave me, Hall," said he, holding my boot in his hand, and having his own on his leg. "How can I leave you," said I, "unless you'll give me my boot?" This he did not seem to hear. "Do run, gentlemen," said Mrs. Blank, greatly alarmed. "Mr. Brace, you've got Mr. Hall's boot; give It to him." "In a minute, madam," said he, seeming to be beside himself. A second after, however, all was explained to me. He designed to have my company to the fire, and his own fun before he went A man came posting along In great alarm and crying "Fire!" loudly. "Mister, mister," said Ned, jumping out of the house. "Sir," said the man, stopping aud puffing awfully. "Have you seen Mr. Peleg Q. C. Stone along where you've been?" Inquired Ned, with anxious solicitude. "D?n Mr. Peleg Q. C. Stone!" said the stranger. "What chance have I of seeing anybody, hopping up at two o'clock in the morning, and the town a-Are!" and on he went. Thus did he amuse himself with various questions and remarks to four or five passengers, until even Mrs. Blank forgot for a while that the town was in flames. The last object of his sport was a woman, who came along exclaiming, "Oh, it's Mr. Dalby*s house! I'm sure it is Mr. Daiby's house!" Two gentlemen assured her that the Are was far beyond Mr. Daiby's house; but still she went on with her exclamations. When she had passed the door about ten steps, Ned permitted me to cover my frozen foot with my boot, and we moved on towards the fire. We soon overtook the woman just mentioned, who had become somewhat pacified. As Ned came alongside of her, he observed, "Poor Dalby, I see his house is gone." "I said so," she screamed out; "I knew it!" and on she went, screaming uril 11IUCO luuuct mail wwtv. As soon as wo reached the Are a gentleman In military dress rode up and ordered Ned Into the line to hind buckets. Ned stepped in, and the first bucket that was handed to him he raised very deliberately to his mouth and began to drink. In a few seconds All on Ned's right were overburdened with buckets and calling loudly for relief, while those on his left were unemployed. Terrible were the cursing and clamor, and twenty voices at once ordered Ned out of the line. Ned stepped out, and along came the man on horseback and ordered him in again. "CaDtain," said Ned, "I am so thirsty that I can do nothing until I get some water, and they will not let me drink in the line." "Well," said the captain, "step in, and I'll see that you get a drink." Ned stepped in again, and receiving the first bucket began to raise it to his lips very slowly, when some one haliaobh to him to nass on the bucket, and he brought It down again and handed it on. v'Why didn't you drink?" said the captain. "Why? Don't you see they won't let me?" said Ned. "Don't mind what they say; drink, and then go on to work." Ned took the next bucket, and commenced raising it as before, when some ~ne again ordered him to pass on the bucket. "There," said Ned, turning to the ^aptain, with the bucket half raised, "you hear that?" "Why, blast your eyes," said the captain, "what do you stop for? Drink on and have done with it." Ned raised the bucket to his lips and drank or pretended to drink, until a horse might have been satisfied. "Ain't you done?" said the captain, general mutiny and complaint begin ning to prevail In the line. "Why, ha'n't you drank enough?" said the captain, becoming extremely Impatient. "Most," said Ned, letting out a long breath and still holding the bucket near his lips. "Zounds and blood!" cried the captain, "clear yourself, you'll drink an englneful of water!" Ned left the ranks and went to his lodgings; and the rising sun found us on our way homeward. Hall. Mystery dF the Rain.?The unprecedented rainfall throughout the east and south is Interesting the meteorologists of the United States, but thus far they have not found a satisfactory answer to their scientific Inquiries as to the causes.. The average rainfall for August in the vicinity of Washington heretofore has been less than four inches, but thus far this month more than twelve Inches have fallen. Prof. Edward B Garrlette, one of the official forecasteni of the weather bureau, said yesterday that "the rainy season has been a reversal of the general dlstr<Kntlnn nt harnmetrlc nressures. This distribution has been unusual and abnormal. Ordinarily at this season of the year the barometer is high over the southern states and low over the northern part of the country. During the past two months the barometer has been high in the north and low in the south. That Is the immediate cause of the long continued spell of wet weather. No one knows the real foundation of these conditions which have brought more than three times the usual amount of rainfall during the month of August." TRAVELED PRE8IDENT8. Many of Our Chiaf Executives Have Been* Abroad. In the sense of having sojourned abroad even Washington was a traveled man, though he went outside the United States but once. That was when, in his youth, he accompanied Lawrence Washington in a tour of the West Indies, which the latter.made in the vain hope of restoring his health. But of Washington's associates,, both of his prime and his later life, many were distinguished foreigners, and his quick perception of the trend of European affairs was undoubtedly stimulated by his cosmopolitan acquaintanceship. In the course of the revolution Washington could draw for Information on the Htores or tne experience or Larayeue, Rochambeau, Count Fersen, Kosciusko and Steuben, two briliant Frenchmen a gifted Swede, a famous Pole and a most observant German. Washington was visited after the revolution by most foreigners traveling In this country. He did not need to go to Europe, says the Boston Transcript. Europe came to him. Our second and third presidents, Adams and Jefferson, had seen much of the "great world" abroad. They knew it at first hand. Both had been diplomats, and Jefferson at least a close student of the social conditions of Europe on the eve of the French revolution. Madison appears to have been a home-staying man; but James Monroe, who succeeded Madison, was twloe ^ .-*9h| in France?once as minister and once as special envoy. His name will ever be associated with the Louisiana purchase. He also carried on important negotiations in Great Britain and Spain, which made him familiar with the society of London and Madrid. John Qulncy Adams may be described as travel bred from boyhood. He was at school in Paris when but eleven years old, and In his subsequent diplomatic career he acquired a knowledge of Europe which few Americans of his time could rival. London, Berlin, St. Petersburg were familiar cities to him. He watched at close range the great game on the European chess board, an/1 nrhnn Via ho^nvtia lAPrntaPV nt fttatft simply moved from one department of diplomacy to another. Martin Van Buren was the next of our presidents to gain a foreign experience. He was our minister to Great Britain Just long enough to feel the whole bitterness of a forced recall when the senate refused to confirm his nomination. His martyrdom helped toward making him president, however, greatly to the chagrin of those who thought they had put an Ineffaceable humiliation upon Mm. William Henry Harrison was occupying a diplomatic post In South America when Jackson was inaugurated, and "Tippecanoe" did not save him from removal. Not until sixteen years after Van Buren weqt out of the White House 1 did we have a president who bad known the old world by travel and residence. Buchanan had been at one time our minister to St. Petersburg, and later had represented us at the court of St James. Although the facilities for European travel were greatly Improved after 1850, of all our presidents since Buchanan, Roosevelt is the only one who appears to have acquired familiarj tty with Europe by travel previous to becoming a presidential candidate. Europe, indeed, seems to have been considered the resort of ex-presidents. Fillmore, Pierce and Grant traveled extensively In the old world, and Benjamin Harrison went abroad as chief counsel for Venezuela before the arbitration tribunal. Pierce, Taylor and Grant are to be Included among presidents who had been beyond our borders before their candidacies, for military service carried them to Mexico. The emphasis which Mr. Bryan's friends are placing upon his extensive foreign travels as a qualification for the presidency suggests that the occupants of that office have been thus favored more than would be generally supposed, especially the presidents of the earlier half of the century, when travel was much less general than nn Mn nmaMant Karf fiver hfifin around the world before hie election to office, to be sure, and there are no immediate signs that a new precedent will be established. A JOCULAR MONARCH. Ivan the Terrible Had Cold Blooded Notions About Jesting. Ivan, the Terrible, forgot neither his devotions nor his diversions. His palace alternately resounded with praying and carousing. For his pastime bears Were brought from Novgorod. When from his windows he per celved a group of citizens collected he let slip two or three of these ferocious animals, and his delight on beholding the flight of the terrified creatures, and especially on hearing the cries of the victims, was unbounded. His bursts of laughter were loud and continued. To console those who were malned for life he would sometimes send each of them a small piece of gold. Another of his chief amusements was in the company of jesters, whose duty It was to divert him, especially before and after executions, but they often paid dearly for an unseasonable joke. Among these none was more distinguished than Prince Ovosdef, who held a high rank at court. The czar, being one day dissatisfied with a jest, poured over the prince's head the boiling contents of a soup basin. The agonized wretch prepared to retreat from the table, but the tyrant struck him with a knife, and he fell senseless to the floor. Dr. Arnolph was Instantly called. "Save my good servant!" cried the czar. "I have jested with him a. little too hard." "So hard," replied the other, "that only God and your majesty can restore him to life. He no longer breathes." Ivan expressed his contempt, called the deceased favorite a dog and continued his amusements. Another day, while he sat at table, the waywode of Starltza, Boris Titof, appeared, bowed to the ground, and saluted him after the customary manner. "God save thee, my dear waywode. Thou deservest a proof of my favor," He seized a knife and cut off an ear. Tltof thanked the czar for his gracious favor and wished him a happy reign. I?Pearson's Weekly. ; !% |