Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, August 31, 1906, Image 1
YORKVILIE ENQUIRER.
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ESTABLISHED 1855. YORKVILLE, S. C., FRIDAY, AUGUST 31, 19Q6. , KTO. 7Q.
FUN WITH
CI1
Humorous Story
Li
NED BRACE GO
He Makes Monkies of the Pe
Extent That People S1
They Th
H P?M8Hqn<j 'sauaos Bpgjoao ,iuoj^s
There are some yet living who knew
the man whose character I am about
to delineate, and these will unanimously
bear testimony that, if it be not
faithfully drawn, it is not overdrawn.
They cannot avouch for the truth of
the anecdotes which I am about to relate
of him, because of these they know
nothing; but they will unhesitatingly
declare that there is nothing herein
ascribed to him of which he was Incapable.
and of which he would not readily
have been the author, supposing the
scenes in which I have placed him to
be real, apd the thoughts and actions
attributed to him to have actually suggested
themselves to him. They will
further testify that the thoughts and
actions are in perfect harmony with his
general character.
I do not feel at liberty as yet to give
the name of the person in question, and
therefore he shall be designated for the
present by the appellation of Ned
Brace.
TH<a mar, onnmnfl *A llvo nnlv to 1
amuse himself with his fellow-beings,
and he possessed the rare faculty of
deriving some gratification of his favorite
propensity from almost every
person whom he met, no matter what
his temper, standing, or disposition.
Of-course he had opportunities enough
of exercising his uncommon gift, and he
rarely suffered an opportunity to pass
unimproved. The beau in the presence
of his mistress, the fop. the pedant,
the purse-proud, the over-fastidious
and sensitive, were Ned's favorite
game. These never passed him uninjured,
and against such he directed his
severest shafts. With these he commonly
amused himself, by exciting in
them every variety of emotion, under
circumstances peculiarly ridiculous.
He was admirably fitted to his vocation.
He could assume any character
which his humor required him to personate,
and he could sustain it to perfection.
His knowledge of the charao- I
ter of others seemed to be inttlttve.
It may seem remarkable, bft it is
true. that, though he lived his own peculiar
life for about sixteen years, after
he reached the age of manhood he
never involved himself in a personal
rencounter with any one. This was
owing In part to h|s muscular frame,
which few would be willing to engage,
but more particularly to his adroitness
in the management of his projects of
fun- He generally oonducted them In
such a way as to render it impossible
for any one to call him to account
without violating all the rules of decency,
politeness, and chivalry at onoe.
But a few anecdotes of him will give
the reader a much better iqea or his
character than be can possibly derive
from ft general description. If these
fulfill the description which I have gl'*en
of my hero, all will agree that he is no
Imaginary being; if they do not. It will
only be because I am unfortunate in
my selection. Having known him
from his earliest manhood to his grave
?for he was a native Georgian?I confess
that I am greatlyq perplexed in determining
what portions of his singular
history to lay before the reader as a
proper specimen of the whole. A three
days' visit which I once made with him
to Savannah placed him in a greater
variety of scenes and among a greater
diversity of characters than perhaps
any other period of h|s life embracing
no longer time; and, therefore, I will
choose this for my purpose.
We reached Savannah just at nightfall
of a cold December evening- As
we approached the tavern of Mr. Blank
at which we designed to stop, Ned proposed
to me that we should drop our
acquaintance until he should choose to
renew it. To this proposition I most
cordially assented, for I knew that, so
doing, I should be saved some mortifications,
and avoid a thousand questions
which I would not know how to
answer. According to this understanding,
Ned lingered behind in order that
t miirht rpnnh thi> tavern alone.
On alighting at the public house I
was led into a large dining room, at
the entrance of which, to the right,
stood the bar, opening into the dining
room. On the left, and rather near to
the centre of the room, was a fireplace,
surrounded by gentlemen. Upon entering
the room my name was demanded
at the bar; it was given, and I took
my seat in the circle around the fire. I
had been seated Just long enough for
the company to survey me to their satisfaction
and resume their conversation,
when Ned's heavy footsteps at the
door turned the eyes or tne company
to the approaching stranger.
"Your name, sir, if you please?" said
the restless little barkeeper, as he entered.
Ned stared at the questioner with apparent
alarm, cast a fearful glance at
the company, frowned, and shook his
head in token of caution to the barkeeper;
; looked confused for a moment,
then, as if suddenly recollecting
himself, Jeiked a piece of paper out of
his pocket, turned from the company,
wrote on it with his pencil, handed it
to the barkeeper, walked to the left of
the fireplace, and took the most conspicuous
seat in the circle. He looked
at no one, spoke to no one, but, fixing
his eyes on the fire, lapsed into a profound
reverie.
The conversation, which had been
pretty general before, stopped as short
as if every man in the room had been
shot dead. Every eye was fixed on
Ned. and every variety of expression
was to be seen on the countenances of
the persons present. The landlord
came in; the barkeeper whispered to
him and looked at Ned. The landlord
looked at him too with astonishment
and alarm; the barkeeper produced a
piece of paper, and both of them exam
THE
TY FOLKS.
of Early Georgia
fe.
ES ON A LARK.
ople of Savannah, to Such an
.Ml V V Tim*
kill JLtftaug&i ijvti jr a iuiv
ink Of It.
irper & Brothers.
ined it, as If searching for fig-mite
with the naked eye. "they rose from
the examination unsatisfied, and looked
at Ned again. Those of the company
who recovered first from their astonishment
tried to revive the conversation,
but the effect was awkward,
met with no support, and failed. The
barkeeper, for the first time in his life,
became dignified and solemn, and left
the bar to take care of. itself. The
landlord had a world of foolish questions
to ask the gentlemen directly opposite
to Ned, for which purpose he
passed round to them every two minutes,
and the answer to none did he
hear.
Three or four boarders coming in,
who were unapprised of what had happened,
at length revived the conversation;
not, however, until they had created
some confusion by inquiring of
their friends the cause of their sober
looks. As soon as the conversation began
to become easy and natural Ned rose
and walked out Into the entry. With the
first movement all were as hushed as
death, but when he had cleared the
door another Babel scene ensued. Some
Inquired, others suspected, and all
wondered. Some were engaged In telling
the strangers what had happened,
others were making towardB the bar,
and all were becoming clamorous, when
Ned returned and took his seat. His
re-entry was as fatal to conversation
as was the first movement of his exit;
but It soon recovered from the shock,
with the difference, however, that those
who led before were now mute, and
wholly absorbed In the contemplation
of Ned's person.
After retaining his seat for about ten
minutes, Ned rose again, inquired the
way to the stable, and left the house.
As soon as he passed the outer door,
the barkeeper hastened to the company
with Ned's paper In his hand.
"Gentlemen," said he, "can any of you
tell me what name this is?" All rushed
to the paper In an Instant; one or
two pair of heads met over It with
considerable force. After pondering
over It to their heart's content, they
? * * * "*? " A * V* fl an lnt tnti ura Q an
an agiccu vna i IIIC uiov (vtvvi f*wo HM
"E," and the second a "B" or an "R,"
and the d?1 himself could not make
out the balance. While they were tl.us
engaged, to the astonishment of everybody,
Ned interrupted their deliberations
with, "Gentlemen. If you have
satisfied yourselves with that paper.
I'll thank you for It." It is easy to imagine,
but impossible to describe, the
looks and actions of the company under
their surprise and mortifioation.
They dropped off, and left the barkeeper
to his appropriate duty of handing
the paper to Ned. He reached it forth,
but Ned moved not a hand to receive
it for about the space of three seconds,
during which time he kept his eyes
fixed upon the arch-offender In awfully
solemn rebuke. He then took it
gravely and put It In his pocket, and
left the barkeeper with a shaking ague
upon him. From this moment he became
Ned's most obsequious and willing
slave.
Supper was announoed; Mrs. Blank,
the landlady, took the head of the table.
and Ned seated himself next to
her. Her looks denoted some alarm
at finding him so near to her, and
plainly showed that he had been fully
described to her by her husband or
some one else.
"Will you take tea or coffee, sir?"
said she.
"Why, madam," said Ned, in a tone
as courteous as Chesterfield himself
could have used, "I am really ashamed
to acknowledge and to expose my
very singular appetite; but habitual
indulgence or it nas maae u necessary
to my comfort. If not to my health,
that I should still favor It when I can.
If you will pardon me, I will take both
at the same time."
This respectful reply (which, by-theway,
she alone was permitted to hear)
had its natural effect. It won for him
her unqualified Indulgence, raised
doubts whether he could be the suspicious
character which had been described
to her, and begat In her a desire
to cultivate a further acquaintance
with him. She handed to him
the two cups, and accompanied them
with some remarks, drawn from her
own observation in the line of her business,
calculated to reconcile him to
his whimsical appetite; but she could
extract from Ned nothing but monosyllables,
and sometimes not even that
much. Consequently, the good lady
began very soon to relapse into her
former feelings.
Ned placed a cup on either side of
him, and commenced stirring both at
the same time very deliberately. This
done, he sipped a little tea, and asked
Mrs. B. for a drop more milk in it.
Kn tootoH hia pnfPcip And desired
a little more sugar in it. Then he
tasted his tea again, and requested a
small lump more sugar in it. Lastly,
he tasted his coffee, and desired a few
drops more milk in that. It was easy
to discover that, before he got suited,
the landlady had solemnly resolved
never to offer any more encouragements
to such an appetite. She waxed
exceedingly petulant, and, having nothing
else to scold, she scolded the servants,
of course.
Waffles were handed to Ned. and he
took one; batter cakes were handed,
and he took one; and so on of muffins,
rolls, and corn bread. Having laid in
these provisions, he turned into his
plate, upon his waffle and batter cake,
some of the crumbs of the several
kinds of bread which he had taken, in
different proportions, and commenced
mashing all together with his knife.
During this operation the landlady
frowned and pouted, the servants gig
gled, and the boarders were variously
affected.
Having reduced his mess to the consistency
of a hard poultice, he placed
it all up to one side of his plate in the
from of a terrapin, and smoothed it
all over nicely with his knife. Nearly
opposite to Ned, but a little below
him, sat a waspish little gentleman,
who had been watching him with increasing
torments from the first to the
I last movement of Ned's knife. His tortures
were visible to blinder eyes than
Ned's, and, doubtless, had been seen
by him in their earliest paroxysms.
This gentleman occupied a seat nearest
to a dish of steak, and was in the
act of muttering something about
"brutes" to his next neighbor, when
Ned beckoned* a servant to him, and
requested him "to ask that gentleman
for a small bit of steak." The servant
obeyed, and, planting Ned's plate directly
between the gentleman's and
and the steak dish, delivered his message.
The testy gentleman turned his
head, and the first thing he saw was
Ned's partl-colored terrapin right under
his nose. He started as If he had
been struck by a snapping-turtle, reddened
to scarlet, looked at Ned (who
appeared as innocent as a lamb), looked
at the servant (who appeared as innocent
as Ned), and then fell to work
on the steak as If he were amputating
all Ned's limbs at once.
Ned now commenced his repast. He
ate his meat and breads in the usual
way, but he drank his liquids In all
ways. First a sip of tea, then of coffee;
then two of the first and one of
the last; then three of the last and
one of the first, aftd so on.
His steak was soon consumed, and
his plate was a second time returned
to the mettlesome gentleman "for another
very small bit of steak." The
plate paid Its second visit precisely as
It had Its first; and as soon as the fiery
gentleman saw the half-demolished
terrapin again under his nose he seised
a fork, drove It into the largest
0II/.0 ,|MV In tho rtlnh rinnhAri It In
to Ned's plate, rose from the table,
and left the room, cursing Ned from
the very Inmost chamber of his soul.
Every person at the table, except Ned,
laughed outright at the little man's
fury; but Ned did not even smile;
nay, he looked for all the world as if
he thought the laugh was at him.
The boarders one after another retired,
until Ned and the landlady were
left alone at the table.
"Will you have, another cup of tea
and coffee, sir?' said she, by the way
of convincing him that he ought to retire,
seeing that he had finished his
supper.
"No, 1 thank you, madam," returned
Ned.
"Will you have a glass of milk, and
a cup of tea or coffee, or all three together?"
"No, ma'am," said Ned. "I am not
blind, madam," continued he, "to the
effects which my unfortunate eccentricities
hav?p produced upon yourself
and your company; nor have I witnessed
them without those feelings
which are well calculated to inspire In
a man of ordinary sensibilities. I am
aware, too, that I am prolonging and
agravating your uneasiness by detainl**cr
vnn hnvnnH tha hnnr whlph
"?5 J V" WV/ VMM *HV ??v?? " M? ??mands
your presence at the table; but
I could not permit you to retire without
again bespeaking your indulgence
of the strange, unnatural appetite
which has just caused you so much
astonishment and mortification. The
story of Its beginning might be Interesting,
and certainly would be Instructing
to you if you are a mother; but I
am indisposed at this time to obtrude
it upon your patience, and I presume
you are still less disposed to hear It.
My principal object, however, In claiming
your attention for a moment at
this time is to assure you that, out of
respect to your feelings, I will surrender
the enjoyment of my meals for
the few days that I have to remain in
Savannah, and conform to the customs
of your table. The sudden change of
my habit will expose me to some Inconvenience,
and may, perhaps, affect
my health; but I will willingly Incur
these hazards rather than renew your
mortification, or Impose upon your
family the trouble of giving me my
meals at my room."
The good lady, whose bitter feelings
had given place to the kinder emotion
of pity and benevolence before Ned had
half concluded his apology (for it was
delivered in a tone of the most melting
eloquence), caught at this last hint,
and insisted upon sending his meals to
his room. Ned reluctantly consented,
after extorting a pledge from her that
she would assume the responsibilities
of the trouble that he was about to
give the family.
"As to your boarders, madam," said
Ned, In conclusion, "I have no apology
to make to them. I grant them the
privilege of eating what they please
and as they please; and, so far as they
are concerned, I shall exercise the same
orivileees. reckless of their feelings or
opinions; and I shall take it as a singular
favor if you will say nothing to
them or to any one else which may
lead them to the discovery that I am
acquainted with my own peculiarities."
The good lady promised obedience to
his wishes, and Ned, requesting to be
conducted to his room, retired.
A group of gentlemen at the fireplace
had sent many significant "hems" and
smiles to Mrs. Blank during her tetea-tete
with Ned; and as she approached
them, on her way out of the room,
they began to taunt her playfully upon
the impression which she seemed to
have made upon the remarkable
stranger.
"Really," said one, "I thought the
impression was on the other side."
"And, in truth, so it was," said Mrs.
B. At this moment her husband stepped
in.
"I'll tell you what it is, Mr. Blank,"
said one of the company, "you'd better
keep a sharp lookout on that stranger;
our landlady is wonderfully taken with
nun.
"I'll be bound," said Mr. B., "for my
wife; the less like anybody else in the
world he is, the better will she like
him."
"Well, I assure you," said Mrs. B., "I
never had my feelings so deeply interested
in a stranger in my life. I'd give
the world to know his history."
"Why, then," rejoined the landlord,
"I suppose he has been quizzing us all
this time."
"No," said she, "he is incapable of
quizzing. "All that you have seen of
him is unaffected, and perfectly natural
to him."
"Then, really," continued the hus/
band, "he Is a very interesting object, i
and I congratulate you upon getting
so early Into his confidence; but, as I
am not quite as much captivated with <
his unaffected graces as you seem to i
be, I shall take the liberty, in charity (
to the rest of my boarders, of request- I
ing him tomorrow to seek other lodg- '
Ings."
"Oh," exclaimed Mrs. B., In the good- <
ness of her heart, and with a counte- f
nance evincive of the deepest feelings, <
"I would not have you do such a thing <
for the world. He's only going to stay t
a few days." I
"How do you know?" 8
"He told me so, and do let's bear with c
him that short time. He sha'n't trou- e
ble you or the boarders any more." t
"Why, saran," saw me lanaiora. 1 i
do believe you are out of your senses!" I
"Gone case," said one boarder. I
"Terrible afTalr!" said another. "Be- t
witching little fellow," said a third, t
"Come, Mrs. Blank, tell us all he said 8
to you! We young men wish to know t
how to please the ladles, so that we r
may get wives easily. I'm determined, v
the next party I go to, to make a soup
of everything on the waiters and eat "
all at once. I shall then become irre- f
slstible to the ladles."
"Get along with your nonsense," said v
Mrs. B., smiling, as she left the room. r
At 8 o'clock I retired to my room,
which happened (probably from the
circumstance of reaching the hotel I
within a few minutes of each other) to
be adjoining Ned's. I had no sooner
entered my room than Ned followed o
me, where we interchanged the par- a
tlculars which make up the foregoing
story. He now expended freely the d
laughter which he had been collecting r
during the evening. He stated that his
last Interview with Mrs. Blank was t
the result of necessity; that he found v
he had committed himself in making up n
and disposing of his odd supper, for a
that he should have to eat In the same
way during his whole stay In Savan- fl
nah unless he could manage to get his d
meals In nrlvate: and. thouah he was ItJ
willing to do penance for one meal In e
order to purchase the amusement he
had enjoyed, he had no idea of tor- t
mentlng himself three or four days for li
the same purpose. To tell you the li
honest truth, said he, nothing but an n
appetite whetted by fasting and trav- ti
eling could have borne me through the s
table scene. As It was, my stomach s
several times threatened to expose my c
trick to the whole company, by down- I
right open rebellion. I feel that I must t
make it some atonement tor the liberty
I have taken with It. and therefore a
propose that we go out and take an v
oyster supper before we retire to rest. 1
I assented. We set out, going separ- t
ately until we reached the street. li
We were received by the oyster-ven- t
der In a small shop which fronted upon ?
the street, and were conducted through *
it to a back door, and thence, by a flight (
of steps, to a convenient room on the t
second floor of an adjoining building, a
We had been seated about three min- 1
utes when we heard footsteps on the r
stairs, and directly caught this sen- t
tence from the ascending stranger: 1
"Aha, Mohsleur Mlddletong! you say c
you hab de bes' oyatar in la clttee! c
Vel, me shall soon see." a
The sentence was hardly uttered be- t
tore the door opened and In stepped a r
1-1? 11111- rt-AM-kmo M Ua t
gay, sum ivy nmc rrcuuiuuau. *j v made
us a low bow, and, as soon as
he rose from his obeisance, Ned rushed
to him In transports of Joy, seized him
by the hand, and, shaking it with
friendship's warmest grasp, exclaimed,
"How do you do, my old friend? I
had no idea of meeting you here; how
do you do, Mr. Squeezelfanter? how
have you been this long time?"
"Sair," said the Frenchman, "me
tank you ver* much to lub me so
hard; but you mistake de gentleman;
my name is not de Squeezilfaunter."
"Come, come, John," continued Ned.
"quit your old tricks before strangers.
Mr. Hall, let me Introduced you to my
particular friend, John Squeezelfanter,
from Paris."
"Perhaps, sir," said I, not knowing
well what to say or how to act in such
an emergency?"perhaps you have mistaken
the gentleman."
"Begar, sair," said monsieur, "he is
mistake eberytlng at once. My name
is not Zhaun; me play no treek; me
is not de gentlemong fren; me did not
come from Paree; but from Bordeaux;
mo /H/J not onnnnao /Inrn \i;q a a
man In all France dat was name de
Squeezilfaunter.' <
"If I am mistaken," said Ned, "I i
humbly ask your pardon; but, reafly, (
you look so much like my old friend <
Jack, and talk so much like him, that c
I would have sworn you were he."
"Vel, salr," said monsieur, looking 1
at Ned as though he might be an ac- '
qualntance after all, "vel, salr, dls time i
you tell my name right, my name Is J
Jacques*?Jacques Sancrlc.' I
"There," proceeded Ned, "I knew It ?
was Impossible I could be mistaken; I
your whole family settled on Sandy I
Creek; I knew your father and mother, <
your sisters Patsy and Dllsy, your
brother Ichabod, your aunt Bridget, s
your?" 1
"Oh, mon Dleu, mon Dieu!" exclaim- i
ed the Frenchman, no longer able to 1
contain his surprise; "dat Is von I
'Mericane famllee. Dare vas not one 1
FYenoh famllee hab all dat name since <
dls vorl' vas make." <
"Now look at me, good Jack," said 1
Ned, "and see If you don't recollect your I
old friend Obadlah Snoddleburg, who i
used to play with you, when a boy, In 1
Sandy Creek." I
"Vel, Monsieur Snotborg, me look at I
you ver" veil, and, begar, me neber see i
you in de creek, nor out de creek. 'Tls '
ver' surprise you not know one name i
from one creek."
"Oh, very well, sir, very well; I forgot
where I was; I understand you
now, perfectly. You are not the first '
gentleman I have met with In Savan- i
nah who knew me well In the country
and forgot me In town. I ask your 1
pardon, sir, and hope you'll excuse
me." 1
"Me Is ver* will' to know you now, <
salr; but, begar, me will not tell ycu
one lie, to know you twenty-five ard
tlrty years ago."
"I makes no difference, sir," said
Ned, looking thoughtfully and chagrined.
"I beg leave, however, befoi*e
we close our acquaintance, to correct
one mistake which I made. I said ycu
were from Paris; I believe, on reflection,
I was wrong; I think your sister
Dllsy told me you were from Bordeaux."
"Foutre de slst' Dils! Here, Mon
This name in French is pronounced
very nearly like "Jack" in English.
deur Middletong! My oystar ready?"
"Tes, sir."
"Vel, If my oystar ready, you give
lem to my fren' Monsieur Snotborg;
ind ask him to be so good to carry
iem to my slst' Dlls, and my brodder
[chbod on Sand Creek." So saying, he
vanished like lightning.
The next morning, at breakfast, I oc:upied
Ned's seat Mrs. Blank had no
looner taken her place than she orderid
a servant to bring her a waiter, up>n
which she placed a cup of tea and
mother of coffee; then ordering three
dates, she placed them on it; sent one
lervant for one kind of bread, and an>ther
for another; and so on through
ill the varieties that were on the tade,
from which she made selections for
date No. 1. In the same way she colected
meats for plate No. 2; No. 3 she
eft blank. She had nearly completed
ler operations, when her husband came
o know why every servant was enraged
and no gentleman helped to anyhlng,
when the oddly furnished waiter
net his eye and fully explained the
yonder.
"In Qod's name, Sarah," said he,
who are you mixing up those messes
or?"
"For that strange gentleman we
rere speaking of last night," was the
eply.
"Why doesn't he come to the table?"
"He was very anxious to come, but
would not let him."
"You would not let him? Why not?"
"Because I did not wish to see a man
>f his delicate sensibilities ridiculed
,nd Insulted at my table."
"Delicate devilabltitles! Then why
lldn't you send a servant to collect his
nlxtures?"
"Because I preferred, doing it myself
0 troubling the boarders. I knew that,
1 herever his plates went, the gentlemen
would be making merry over them,
nd I couldn't bear to see it'
The landlord looked at her for a moment
with commingled astonishment,
loubt, and alarm; and then, upon the
ireath of a deep-drawn sigh, proceedd:
"Well, d?n* the man! He hasn't
teen In the house more than two
todrs, except when he was asleep, and
le has insulted one half my boardeis,
nade fools of the other half, turned tlie
lead of my barkeeper, crazed all my
ervants, and run my wife right static,
taring, raving mad; a man who Is a
erfect clown In his manners, and who,
have no doubt, will in the end prove
o be a horse-thief."
Much occurred between the landlord
nd his lady In relation to Ned which
re must, of necessity, omit. Suffice
t to say that her assiduities to Ned,
ter unexplained sympathies for him,
ter often-repeated desires to become
tetter acquainted with him, conspiring
ylth one or two short Interviews which
ier husband saw between her and Ned
and which consisted of nothing more
han expressions of regret on his part
it the trouble be was giving the f&mly,
and assurance on hers that It was
10 trouble at all), began to bring upon
he landlord the husband's worst caamity.
This she soon observed; and,
lonslderlng her duty to her husband as
if paramount obligation, she gave him
in explanation that was entirely satlsactory.
She told him that Ned was a
nan of reflned feelings and highly culivated
mind, but that, In his infancy,
lis mother had forced him to eat diferent
kinds of diet together, until she
lad produced In him a vitiated and unconquerable
appetite, which he was
low constrained to Indulge, as the
Irunkard does his, or be miserable. As
?3 ? ?Knllntrn
lit? guuu mail wtxa picpaicu w UCUVTV
iny story of woman's folly, he was satsfied.
This beings the Sabbath, at the usual
tour Ned went to church, and selected
or his morning: service one of those
:hurches In which the pews are free,
ind In which the hymn Is given out,
ind sung by the congregation, a half
ecltative,.
Ned entered the church In a* fast a
valk as he could possibly assume; pro
:eeded about half down the aisle, ana
>opped himself down in his seat as
iuick as If he had been shot. The more
houghtless of the congregation began
:o titter, and the gra ver peeped upslyy
but solemnly at him.
The pastor rose, and before giving out
he hymn, observed that singing was a
3art of the service In which he thought
he whole congregation ought to join.
Thus saying, he gave out the first lines
>f the hymn. As soon as the tune
,vas raised, Ned struck In with one
>f the loudest, hoarsest, and most dls;ordant
voices that ever annoyed a sol:mn
assembly.
"I would observe," said the preacher,
jefore giving out the next two lines,
'that there are some persons who have
lot the gift of singing; such, of course,
ire not expected to sing." Ned took
:he hint and sang no more;; but his
mtrance into church and his entrance
nto the hymn had already dispersed
Lhe solemnity of three-fifths of the
:ongregation.
As soon as the pastor commenced his
sermon, Ned opened his eyes, threw
back his head; dropped his under-Jaw,
ind surrendered himself to the most
ntense interest. The preacher was an
ndiiTerent one; and by as much as he
became dull and insipid, by so much
Sid Ned become absorbed in the dissourse.
And yet it was impossible for
the nicest observer to detect anything
In his looks or manner short of the
most solemn devotion. The effect
which his conduct had upon the congregation,
and their subsequent remarks,
must be left to the imagination
bf the reader. I give but one remark:
"Bless that good man who came In
the church so quick," said a venerable
matron as she left the church door,
"how he was affected by the sarment!"
Ned went to church no more on that
Say. About four o'clock In the afternoon,
while he was standing at the
tavern door, a funeral procession passed
by, at the foot of which, and singly,
walked one of the smallest: men I ever
saw. As soon as he came opposite the
door. Ned stepped out and joined him
with great solemnity. The contrast between
the two was iudicorusly striking,
and the little man's looks and uneasiness
plainly showed that he felt it.
However, he soon became recdnclled to
it. They proceeded but a little way
before Ned Inquired of his companion
who was dead.
I should certainly omit such expressions
as this, could I do so with historic
fidelity; but the peculiarities of
the times of which I am writing cannot
be faithfully represented without them.
In recording things as thoy are, truth
requires me sometimes to put profane
language Into the mouths of my characters.
"Mr. Noah Bills," said the little man.
"Nan?" said Ned, raising his hand to
his ear, In token of deafness, and
bending his head to the speaker.
"Mr. Noah Bills," repeated the little
man, loud enough to disturb the two
couples Immediately before him.
"Mrs. Noel's Bill!" said Ned, with
mortification and astonishment. "Do
the white persons pay such respect to
niggers In Savannah? I sha'n't do it"
So saying, he left the procession.
rnu? 1U?1A MtfiM ntno nt Aeat AnnoMara.
X lie nine IIICU1 ITOO ai IIIOI vuuoium ? bly
nettled; but, upon being left to his
own reflections, he got Into an uncontrollable
fit of laughter, as did the couple
immediately In advance of him, who
overheard Ned's remark. The procession
now exhibited a most mortifying
spectacle;; the head of It In mourning
and in tears, and the foot; of it convulsed
with laughter.
On Monday Ned employed himself
In disposing of the business which
brought him to Savannah, and I saw
but little of him; but I could not step
Into the street without hearing of him.
All talked about him, and hardly any
two agreed about his character.
On Tuesday he visited the market,
and set It all In astonishment or laughter.
He wanted to buy something of
everybody, and some of everything;
but could not agree upon the terms of
a trade, because he always wanted his
article in such portions and numbers
as no one would sell, or upon conditions
to which no one would submit To
give a single example: he beset an old
negro woman to sell him the half of a
living chicken.
"Do, my good mauma, sell It to me,"
said he; "my wife Is very sick, and is
longing for chicken pie, and this Is ail
the money I have" (holding out twelve
and a half cents in silver), "and It's
lust what a half-chicken comes to at
your own price."
"Kl, massa! how gwlne cut live
chicken In two?"
"I don't want you to cut it in two
alive; kill It, clean it, and then divide
It."
"Name o' God! what sort o' chance
got to clean chicken in de markethouse?
Whay de water for scall um
and wash um?"
"Don't scald it at an; jusi pick u,
so."
"Ech-ech! Feddle fly all ober de buckeraman
meat, he come bang me to'
true. No, massa; I mighty sorry for
your wife, but I no cutty chicken open."
In the afternoon Ned entered the
dining-room of the taverr, and who
should he And there but Monsieur Sancrlc,
of oyster-house memory. He and
the tavern keeper were alone. With the
Arst glimpse of Ned, "Le diable!" exclaimed
the Frenchman, "here my
brodder Ichbod 'gain!" and away he
went.
"Mr. Sancrtc!" said the landlord,
calling to him as If to tell him something
just thought of, and following
him out, "what did you say that man's
name is?"
"He name Monsieur Snotborg."
"Why that can't be his name for It
begins with a B or an R. Where is he
from?"
"From Sand Creek."
"Where did you know him?"
"PoMr me neher did know him."
Here Ned sauntered In sight of the
Frenchman, and he vanished.
"Well,'' said the landlord, as he returned,
"It does seem to me that everybody
who has anything to do with that
man runs crazy forthwith."
When he entered the dining room he
found Ned deeply engaged reading a
child's primer, with which he seemed
wonderfully delighted. The landlord
sat for a moment, smiled, and then
hastily left the room. As soon as he
disappeared, Ned laid down his book,
and took his station behind some
cloaks In the bar, which at the moment
was deserted. He had just reached his
place when the landlord returned with
his lady.
"Oh," said the first, "he's gone! I
brought you In to show you what kind
of books your man of 'refined feelings
and highly cultivated mind' delights In.
But he has left his book, and here It is,
opened at the place- where he left off;
and do let's see what's In It."
They examined, and found that he
had been reading the interesting poem
of "Little Jack Horner."
"Now," continued the landlord, "If
you'll believe me, he was Just as much
delighted with that story as you or I
would be with the best written number
of the Spectator."
"Well, it's very strange," said Mrs.
Blank; "I reckon he must be flighty,
for no man could have made a more
gentlemanly apology than he did to me
for his peculiarities, and no one could
have urged it more feelingly."
"One thing is very certain," said the
husband; "If he be not flighty himself
he has a wonderful knack of making
everybody else so. Sancric ran away
from him Just now as if he had seen
the devil; called him by one name when
he left the room, by another at the
door, told me where he came from, and
I finally swore he did not know him at
all."
Ned, having slipped softly from the
bar Into the entry during this interview,
entered the dining-room as if
from the street. ?
"I am happy," said he, smiling, "to
meet you together and alone, upon the
eve of my departure from Savannah,
that I may explain to you my singular
conduct and ask your forgiveness of it.
I will do so If you will not expose my
true character until I shall have left
the city."
This they promised. "My name,
then," continued he, "is Edward Brace,
of Richmond county. Humor has been
my besetting sin from my youth up.
It has sunk me far below the station
to which my native gifts entitled me.
It has robbed me of the respect of all
my acquaintances and, what is much
more to be regretted, the esteem of
some of my best and most indulgent
friends. All this I have long known;
and I have a thousand times deplored,
and as often resolved to conquer, my
self-destroying propensity. But so
deeply is it wrought Into my very nature,
so completely and lndlssolubly Interwoven
Is It with every fibre and filament
of my being, that I have found It
Impossible for me to subdue It. Being
on my first visit to Savannah, unknowing
and unknown, I could not forego
the opportunity which it furnished of
gratifying my ungovernable proclivity.
All the extravagance which you have
seen have been In subservience to it."
He then explained the cause of his
troubling the kind lady before him to
give him his meals at his room, and
the strange conduct of Monsieur San
crlc, at which they both laughed heartily.
He referred them to me for confirmation
of what he had told them.
Having gone thus far, continued he, "I
must sustain my character until tomorrow,
when I shall leave Savannah."
Having now two more to enjoy his
humor with him and myself, he let
himself loose that night among the
boarders with all his strength, ana never
did I see two mortals laugh as did
Mr. and Mrs. Blank.
Far as I have extended this sketch,
I cannot close without exhibiting Ned
In one new scene in which accident
placed him before he left Savannah.
About two o'clock on the morning of
our departure the town was alarmed by
the cry of fire. Ned got up before me,
and, taking one of my boots from the
door and putting one of his in its place,
he marched down to the front door
n> liVt /\/l /I K/\rvto An nnmlnff Ailf OIlH
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finding what had been done I knew
that Ned could not have left the house,
for it was impossible for him to wear
my boot. I was about descending the
stairs when he called to me from the
front door, and said the servant had
mixed our boots, and that he had
brought down one of mine. When I
reached the front door I found Ned and
Mr. and Mrs. Blank there; all the inmates
of the house having left it, who
designed to leave it, but Ned and myself.
"Don't go and leave me, Hall," said
he, holding my boot in his hand, and
having his own on his leg.
"How can I leave you," said I, "unless
you'll give me my boot?" This he did
not seem to hear.
"Do run, gentlemen," said Mrs. Blank,
greatly alarmed. "Mr. Brace, you've
got Mr. Hall's boot; give It to him."
"In a minute, madam," said he, seeming
to be beside himself. A second
after, however, all was explained to
me. He designed to have my company
to the fire, and his own fun before he
went
A man came posting along In great
alarm and crying "Fire!" loudly.
"Mister, mister," said Ned, jumping
out of the house.
"Sir," said the man, stopping aud
puffing awfully.
"Have you seen Mr. Peleg Q. C. Stone
along where you've been?" Inquired
Ned, with anxious solicitude.
"D?n Mr. Peleg Q. C. Stone!" said
the stranger. "What chance have I of
seeing anybody, hopping up at two
o'clock in the morning, and the town
a-Are!" and on he went.
Thus did he amuse himself with various
questions and remarks to four or
five passengers, until even Mrs. Blank
forgot for a while that the town was
in flames. The last object of his sport
was a woman, who came along exclaiming,
"Oh, it's Mr. Dalby*s house!
I'm sure it is Mr. Daiby's house!"
Two gentlemen assured her that the
Are was far beyond Mr. Daiby's house;
but still she went on with her exclamations.
When she had passed the
door about ten steps, Ned permitted me
to cover my frozen foot with my boot,
and we moved on towards the fire.
We soon overtook the woman just
mentioned, who had become somewhat
pacified. As Ned came alongside of her,
he observed, "Poor Dalby, I see his
house is gone."
"I said so," she screamed out; "I
knew it!" and on she went, screaming
uril 11IUCO luuuct mail wwtv.
As soon as wo reached the Are a
gentleman In military dress rode up
and ordered Ned Into the line to hind
buckets. Ned stepped in, and the first
bucket that was handed to him he raised
very deliberately to his mouth and
began to drink. In a few seconds All
on Ned's right were overburdened with
buckets and calling loudly for relief,
while those on his left were unemployed.
Terrible were the cursing and
clamor, and twenty voices at once ordered
Ned out of the line. Ned stepped
out, and along came the man on
horseback and ordered him in again.
"CaDtain," said Ned, "I am so thirsty
that I can do nothing until I get some
water, and they will not let me drink
in the line."
"Well," said the captain, "step in,
and I'll see that you get a drink."
Ned stepped in again, and receiving
the first bucket began to raise it to his
lips very slowly, when some one haliaobh
to him to nass on the bucket,
and he brought It down again and
handed it on.
v'Why didn't you drink?" said the
captain.
"Why? Don't you see they won't
let me?" said Ned.
"Don't mind what they say; drink,
and then go on to work."
Ned took the next bucket, and commenced
raising it as before, when some
~ne again ordered him to pass on the
bucket.
"There," said Ned, turning to the
^aptain, with the bucket half raised,
"you hear that?"
"Why, blast your eyes," said the captain,
"what do you stop for? Drink on
and have done with it."
Ned raised the bucket to his lips and
drank or pretended to drink, until a
horse might have been satisfied.
"Ain't you done?" said the captain,
general mutiny and complaint begin
ning to prevail In the line.
"Why, ha'n't you drank enough?"
said the captain, becoming extremely
Impatient.
"Most," said Ned, letting out a long
breath and still holding the bucket
near his lips.
"Zounds and blood!" cried the captain,
"clear yourself, you'll drink an
englneful of water!"
Ned left the ranks and went to his
lodgings; and the rising sun found us
on our way homeward. Hall.
Mystery dF the Rain.?The unprecedented
rainfall throughout the east
and south is Interesting the meteorologists
of the United States, but thus
far they have not found a satisfactory
answer to their scientific Inquiries as
to the causes.. The average rainfall for
August in the vicinity of Washington
heretofore has been less than four
inches, but thus far this month more
than twelve Inches have fallen. Prof.
Edward B Garrlette, one of the official
forecasteni of the weather bureau,
said yesterday that "the rainy season
has been a reversal of the general dlstr<Kntlnn
nt harnmetrlc nressures. This
distribution has been unusual and abnormal.
Ordinarily at this season of
the year the barometer is high over the
southern states and low over the
northern part of the country. During
the past two months the barometer
has been high in the north and low in
the south. That Is the immediate cause
of the long continued spell of wet
weather. No one knows the real foundation
of these conditions which have
brought more than three times the usual
amount of rainfall during the
month of August."
TRAVELED PRE8IDENT8.
Many of Our Chiaf Executives Have
Been* Abroad.
In the sense of having sojourned
abroad even Washington was a traveled
man, though he went outside the
United States but once. That was
when, in his youth, he accompanied
Lawrence Washington in a tour of the
West Indies, which the latter.made in
the vain hope of restoring his health.
But of Washington's associates,, both of
his prime and his later life, many were
distinguished foreigners, and his quick
perception of the trend of European
affairs was undoubtedly stimulated by
his cosmopolitan acquaintanceship. In
the course of the revolution Washington
could draw for Information on the
Htores or tne experience or Larayeue,
Rochambeau, Count Fersen, Kosciusko
and Steuben, two briliant Frenchmen
a gifted Swede, a famous Pole and a
most observant German. Washington
was visited after the revolution by
most foreigners traveling In this country.
He did not need to go to Europe,
says the Boston Transcript. Europe
came to him.
Our second and third presidents,
Adams and Jefferson, had seen much of
the "great world" abroad. They knew
it at first hand. Both had been diplomats,
and Jefferson at least a close
student of the social conditions of Europe
on the eve of the French revolution.
Madison appears to have been a
home-staying man; but James Monroe,
who succeeded Madison, was twloe ^ .-*9h|
in France?once as minister and once
as special envoy. His name will ever
be associated with the Louisiana purchase.
He also carried on important
negotiations in Great Britain and
Spain, which made him familiar with
the society of London and Madrid.
John Qulncy Adams may be described
as travel bred from boyhood. He
was at school in Paris when but eleven
years old, and In his subsequent diplomatic
career he acquired a knowledge
of Europe which few Americans of his
time could rival. London, Berlin, St.
Petersburg were familiar cities to him.
He watched at close range the great
game on the European chess board,
an/1 nrhnn Via ho^nvtia lAPrntaPV nt fttatft
simply moved from one department of
diplomacy to another.
Martin Van Buren was the next of
our presidents to gain a foreign experience.
He was our minister to Great
Britain Just long enough to feel the
whole bitterness of a forced recall
when the senate refused to confirm his
nomination. His martyrdom helped
toward making him president, however,
greatly to the chagrin of those who
thought they had put an Ineffaceable
humiliation upon Mm. William Henry
Harrison was occupying a diplomatic
post In South America when Jackson
was inaugurated, and "Tippecanoe" did
not save him from removal.
Not until sixteen years after Van
Buren weqt out of the White House 1
did we have a president who bad
known the old world by travel and residence.
Buchanan had been at one time
our minister to St. Petersburg, and later
had represented us at the court of
St James. Although the facilities for
European travel were greatly Improved
after 1850, of all our presidents since
Buchanan, Roosevelt is the only one
who appears to have acquired familiarj
tty with Europe by travel previous to
becoming a presidential candidate.
Europe, indeed, seems to have been
considered the resort of ex-presidents.
Fillmore, Pierce and Grant traveled extensively
In the old world, and Benjamin
Harrison went abroad as chief
counsel for Venezuela before the arbitration
tribunal. Pierce, Taylor and
Grant are to be Included among presidents
who had been beyond our borders
before their candidacies, for military
service carried them to Mexico.
The emphasis which Mr. Bryan's
friends are placing upon his extensive
foreign travels as a qualification for
the presidency suggests that the occupants
of that office have been thus favored
more than would be generally
supposed, especially the presidents of
the earlier half of the century, when
travel was much less general than
nn Mn nmaMant Karf fiver hfifin
around the world before hie election
to office, to be sure, and there are no
immediate signs that a new precedent
will be established.
A JOCULAR MONARCH.
Ivan the Terrible Had Cold Blooded
Notions About Jesting.
Ivan, the Terrible, forgot neither
his devotions nor his diversions. His
palace alternately resounded with
praying and carousing. For his pastime
bears Were brought from Novgorod.
When from his windows he per
celved a group of citizens collected he
let slip two or three of these ferocious
animals, and his delight on beholding
the flight of the terrified creatures,
and especially on hearing the cries of
the victims, was unbounded. His
bursts of laughter were loud and continued.
To console those who were
malned for life he would sometimes
send each of them a small piece of
gold.
Another of his chief amusements
was in the company of jesters, whose
duty It was to divert him, especially
before and after executions, but they
often paid dearly for an unseasonable
joke.
Among these none was more distinguished
than Prince Ovosdef, who
held a high rank at court.
The czar, being one day dissatisfied
with a jest, poured over the prince's
head the boiling contents of a soup
basin. The agonized wretch prepared
to retreat from the table, but the tyrant
struck him with a knife, and he
fell senseless to the floor. Dr. Arnolph
was Instantly called.
"Save my good servant!" cried the
czar. "I have jested with him a. little
too hard."
"So hard," replied the other, "that
only God and your majesty can restore
him to life. He no longer
breathes."
Ivan expressed his contempt, called
the deceased favorite a dog and continued
his amusements.
Another day, while he sat at table,
the waywode of Starltza, Boris
Titof, appeared, bowed to the ground,
and saluted him after the customary
manner.
"God save thee, my dear waywode.
Thou deservest a proof of my favor,"
He seized a knife and cut off an ear.
Tltof thanked the czar for his gracious
favor and wished him a happy reign.
I?Pearson's Weekly.
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