University of South Carolina Libraries
THE JOKERS' BUDGET. W'IIAT WE FIND IN T1HE 11111Ot0U PAPERM TO LAUG1H OVERt. Not a Melfbish Man-The Sn'ste Cat-Menator Davis' Itnec, Etc. A l3ACE. Senator Davis who is now enjoying his honeymoon takes the jokes of his friends in very good humor. "While ho was diniug one day at Wormley's with some friends, among whom was Mr. Evarts, the conversation drifted to athletic sports and foot races. Mr. Evarts, with a view to one of his sarcastic jests, turned to the great trunk alongside of him, from which he himself may be sulposed to have been whittled off as a sliver, and suggested that such sports were entirely out of his line. 'Well, Evarts', replied Judge Davis, 'perhaps you think I can't run ? Now, look here, l'll bet you a case of wine I can beat you in a hundred yards if you will let me 'hooso my ground and will give me five yards start. I'm heavy, you know, and want solid footing.' Mr. Evarts w'- satisfied that lie 'had a dead sure tiing,' and as tle evening had advanced the dignified con p;any resolved to unbend itself still fur ther for the sport. 'Come oi, then', shouted the Senator, 'follow m1e!' So away they went, down to a narrow alley that runs between Twelfth and Thkir teenth streets. Marching into it for the distance of five yards, while his arms touched the brickwork on each side, he unietly observed: 'Now, Evags, get in ehind me, and take your time. I im going to take mine!"' WHY Hn LEFT .A nm:TAUANT. 'So you lavte left our restaurant.?" said one maIm to anotler on the Call Board last week, ''what's the trolble?" "Oh, I got thoroughly saturated with disgust." "'Disgusted, eh? What at?" "Why you see it is right here. I got tired of ordering corn beef and cabbage, anud hearing the waiter sing out, 'ited rag with a blhlmket !' 'enfl buttons' for cdltisll balls, 'e"otton batts' for hot rolls, aid 'brown paper for one' when I order il ckwleat cakes. All this, together 0 ith 'Odd Fellows' for thr"e links of 1;lS1luge, disgusted mle, ani 1 quit." THE sAMi: ('AT. The following story is told of George 1riggs, who lived in Watertown, N. Y.: When he was about I i y'ars of age, he coa'eived the idea that his fate r was not treating him ex:wily in the nulner lie should, and like a grest m1an1y other young men, he resolved to leae the pa Iernal mansion. So he went to Cape Vincenlt and slijppel oi a sllhooner Ibound down the river. On reaching Cl.yton, George was not only hoimesiek, ht also seasick. The schoo'ier touched Clayton, and George, with a face longer than the moral law, was ga'ing WVolfo .slatndward. Some om-(. tapped him on the shoulder ; George looked up ; it was his father. He followed him silently irom the boat, and reac'held the islan'd just before sl r ip ; he greeted his motl-r with a tender -m Ie, nd as he looked around the house lie saw the big Maltese cat by the stove. ''hen George ftund words to speak, anid this was what he said: "Wity, mother, you have the same e':at you hand when I left home.'' (teorge i.ld been away from boine just thirty nine hours. A HOPEfLEss CAm*. X diner-out, who his hald more than _hiis share of wine, is carefully fes"liug his ":ay home at iiglt, whien he tufrtn nately st umbldes against thle cirtenlar ra ii iiig which surri uds a statut'. Aler ch laving goiie arounmd it ab out seven tinmes, the ho01iwlm'ssnessm of his sitti. at ion flashes upoin him withI vividness, auid he sink1s down upon01 the pavement ouitside' w,ith a despJairinig shriek: ''The scoundrels ! Tlyv rhu~t nme an here I" HRI WAs NOT SELFIsu. Of the late 'Joseph Insigi, thie vener' able tI oston meliait, a good story is related by thme 1Ilinghiami ,ua to thle following effect: Oare linie Smualay' mnit'ning fte I ark Sea Bi'rd, owined biy thle old Iiin of aIc i & Goddai'd, was hauling into tIwh doia .just arrived from a vtyagen to the M1il iterranean, on w,~hichi 'vyage she had beateii the famous clipper lbi'e H ors. Learninag t hat she was sign ald Ii'l -l'tow, the twvo par'tniers met foi' congrat il atio' and, attired in their Sun day ''l'thles, repaiired to the whaif. Every'thiing wva in apple-pie order, and( thle bright paint and glittering rigging d'lighted the two owners, as well as Ite criowtd of bystanad ers whoii hade gathlered. As she dre'tw nar i'no 'ugh to the capisillI to litoard, the i title b e ig low, thle distance to her dolek was too gre'at, for a jump, and Mr. I:mIsii wized hohlh tif a baekstayv anid, e'lenchIin;g it tightly,. slid nimbly to the (leek, bumt ti his dismay tho rigging had biein freshily tarr'ied, iandt his haniuds were cii. Tietely embahneid. Quick as lightning hie c'on(caledl t his, and when a laddilei was placed for his paritneri to tdescend, lie stepped briskly to the foot of it, and pr'etenidiing to lbe 01n0 of the newly ari i'ived, gr'aspt'd the hianul of Mr. (ioddlar'd wiit h "' Good morning, Missuir (loddard! I miake you iiin'lh joy,'' of 'ourse'5 trian(s' ferr'ing a hlarge part of the bldai'k pit tio the delicite white handi wvhi his part nier had r'eadily e> tenided, biut whijeb. wasi' indtignianti ith dr~iiuawn when Mr'. 1. exthlaimed, "' Missur GIoddar'd, I t akes inotiing from dis bar'k I not share yis you." KNowiNo sOMETH'iNo. An amusing ineident re('enmtly tiook ~ice at a trial ill IiLindon. Thelm pro se' thle conittale who had mando fte arrest of theii prisoer el, and asked : "W'~ell, what did Ite priisoneri Sit', ?'" Constable---Ah! y ou w~ant to kiiow somiethiing."' [ Laugh t'r. Mi'. Saundters-" Yes; T want you to tell me what lie said,'' Conlstalet ''You want to kiitw somn-ethiing." [CGoni tmued laughter.] The learned consel appeared dliseonee'rted, e.id appealedi tom thle Bench whet her thle constabtle oughit - not to answter the thueist iton. Mr. Fltteli h er'-" Certainily."' (To the con'stallt: "'What did the pr-isoiner say ?'" C'oista - ble-"'You wanit, to know something."' [Roars of laughter. I Up to this tiine thle protsecutinmg conuse'l lad only casualI lyv referred to his brief, but siidl'aiy hi l eye rested on the constable's evidenice given befo re thle niagistrlate, whIich weas to the effect thiat on Itie p risoner' beinog given inito his chlarge, lie asked hima what lhe wa-s doing ini thle fowl-hio'ae, and his reply was: "Y ou want to know~ something," a remark whieb explaimt d tihe eqjuivocal answers of theo ('onstabi le. NO FIIRE-EsOAPE 1 oR HIMi. A "'commercial tr'aveleri,' says ft' Reno cGaz//c, called( iat the I'ialaco' Hotel to-day and wanted to sell a pateut tire escape apparatus. Al White wanted fto know how the thing worked. '" All yo'egtto do," s-tid the agent, " is Io make thme rope fast to the leg of a beCd Mdead, mn case of tire, an'd sli-d dcvn." Al gave~ a grust au. said: " That's a neat racket, ain't it ? Evecry man in the house would slide out that waiy and the cou cern would he bankrupt in less than a week, Go West, my son, anid aII~j #o0meb047 piioer than we are." WIT AND WISDOM. THnaEF is one thing about Munohausen, says a Philadelphia paper, to his credit. sa The Baron never tried to be a weather prophet. o AN AIIKANHA editOr says thlat the stingi- sl est ma. in. his town talls through his y nose to save the wear and tear on his fal!,, teeth. ft Ti heading "Another Safe Robbery Ir on the South Side," !eada the Oil City V Blizzard to remark that most robberies al are safe nowadays. ia T1rs question.is asked us if there is sf anything that will bring youth to women ? Yes. indeed. An income of say $20,000 (1 will bring any number of them. lh AN ALAJAMA judgo has decided that a m'au1 who putla his satchel on a seat in the ears reserves that seat- unless the man who moves it is bigger than he is. ColursroNDENTs of a daily paper are w discussing the question, "Can a man marry on $10 a week." He cannot if the a girl is aware of the amount of his in. h eeot '- t< A s.ta>omo ofticer : " Don't pull me d avo01i11l so," said the thief to the police- le ma 1, " i ha''e a felon upon my finger I" fr "And I have my finger upon a felon," ti remuarked the policenialn. g A NiEw HAVEN laty having noticed a h gentleanin aequaintahsce standing in a fixed position in a hook and paper store Y recently, entered the store and asked tl him if he was stationery. V T1iI.onAPl[ wires are so numerous on t( somue of the streets of New York that . people living on a fourth floor flat can sift their ashes by merely throwing them against the net work. h Wni have just received a sample copy of a new song, entitled, ''Put your arms around me, dear." Any lady who desires to try it can do so by calling at our oflice I --we mean the song, of course. A Goon deal of comment has beein ir caused because a Georgia man broke his ai nack with .i sneeze ; but how much si more wonderful it would have been had m he broken his knees with his back 1 Al " Wniy do you carry your pockethook N in your huand ?" asked a Plhiladelphia i husband of his young wife. " Oh," was y< the quiet. reply, " it is so light that I am ti afraid it might junp o of my pocket."w Tinu recent Congress passed a law to 1 prevent the inportation of adulterated 1 teas. They shoul have put oin a "rider" to prevent the giving away of an unadul- n "erated ehromo with a pound of tea.- a Norr,istcen ll,:ral<l. Sp S-r. Louis girls who go to the cooking C Schools won't perlit, their names to be e known. They are afraid that. when their 01 lovers find it out they will want to marry f right oi, and t hen they can't have any more fun.-l'hil<l' /phi<< xc,:. PI:oi'i.n who live remote from the sea- p shore can make a good artificia clam by m rolling a piece of soap in sand and ashes a .nd eating it when it is about half cool, This is rather better timn the real clam but it will give the inlanders an approxl,im /W- ni ma:te id'ea of thlelu ry-'o;(,c i Fwrm-:N genuine Sioux 1ndians who ge are seeing (othiam amuse the people at eli a hotel by eating with their hands and .s, dressing outlansdislhly. As they wear silk hats they think they are. ,ivilized. gi 'I'his is a very comnhohi mistake among ti other plople besides Indias.s-Lowtl sa Cii:;en. th " I your boarding house should take ell tire at night whAt would you do to get st the .el.1e out ?"' asked the fire nmr-shad s of ani experiieedl mahitron. " Oh, thIere drt woul be no troule abiout that,'" was m he i-elply ; "'I would just ring thle brweak- as fast~ hell, and af . the bioarder-s would be a in the dining room ini three miinutes."' "Wu an' those two meni?"' asked Decacn Ga(Iilpin otf 'Sqpuire McGill tIe otheir eveniig. "'Oh, those aire the meni woceimo to wvork in JToralum's p)lace. lie has moed to Binighazmp)ton." '' 'To work ini Joralumi's place; why lie was the lliz'iest mani in Marat hon !"' "'I know it, and thait's the reason thiere's two of them. It takes bothi of them to lie as in Lazy as he was. "-Alarathon In<lepemd. An Essay eni Roller Skates. an os Thei' roltler skate, says IlIl Nye, is a yL wrayward1 little <t ia(lruiped. it is as a trohlesomie ;aid initre ininocent looking ee hnm a lanmb, hut for initerfriing with Cl mle's iiy~right at tituode in thle comnmunuity pa Ii is pierhapis the lest miachinet that hats mn 11pp1eared ini Salt Lalke City. shi Oine's first. feeling on standing up on a w ir' of rollecr skates is an unc4 ontrollab le iv eindeniy to comec from together. One fri root many start out toward Idaho wvhile en lih ' oher as prompt ly strikes out for at AX rizoiia. Thle legs do not stand by each M ither as legs related by' bod should do, mi but. eachl shows a d1ispositioni to set up~ ini h buiinests alon e, anid leave you to take y 'are of you rself as best youi may. Thle mi iwkwardniess oif this arrangemnent is iap- yf piarenlt. While I hey are sett ing up ini- hi ipendenil, thiert . noting for you to $ doi but to sit down and await future he develiomen,ts. Aidl you haIve to sit ii downo, toto, withoui t 1h'avinlg made anuy ti1 l'eviills tifpaiatin for it, and1( willii;it a Ii ivinig dlevo ted as m uch thought ti it asm you miighit have done had vou beeni eon-it suIted ini the nat ter. lOe of thle no st notiable t hinigs is a skatmiii rink is the strong aittratctionia bhe en thle inuian body and the floor ofi the rink. If the hun'n body- hil 1hcuee ioming thIirough space'( for dd (1t 5 ' dlays, at thle rilt' of a mnillioni miles as seeond, withouitt stoppinig at eatinig e staionis, andi( noit excepting Sndavs, whlen it strikes the floor, we coul un. dlerstand, whly it struck thle floor wuithi so nuii ch i vilic'e. As it is, ho wever, thle thing is iniexplieale. Th'lere are differenuit kinds of falls ini vi guit at the gink. Tihiere are thle reari) falls, and front falls, fihe Cardinal WVolseoy th fill, the fall oie a(cross the other, three in a pile, and1( (o tin. Th'lere are somec oIfT tIe talls that I woiild like to be excuised Iir'-m deacrib iing. Te rear fall1 is thle flviorite'. It is more freqeitnly iiutlizedi than aiiny or. 'Thleie are I we poisition" in :kaitiung, thle pieip'ndiculiar indl tile hiw s intail. Advoanced skit rs prefer thle perpen1U lailr, while others affect t hem SkaIi s arte no resplectorst of pewms. l Thy ill lay out a mainistecr of th Gmelo the Mayr of thea city as rei-ly as theiy uimll a short-oted, one-r 5iuspiende1r boy, or a giddy girl.u When one o,f ai man's feet starts for Net ada and the other for Col,oado, tht does no(t vrparate him from t lie floor or b'reik lip hix fun. Other por1 tins of hii . ho'ld will taik the la:e hi.s feet have julst vacated, withl ai priomlptn<ss that.i is u<rprising. And lhe will thail thant the fun hafs just begun-for the people look ing on.tI 'The. equipments for the r-ink are a pa i of i-katest, a cushion, and a bottle c ii linhmnt. ho B$AXE Bu~Ns.-"Let your beans sim- s mier in wrmVfwater slowly, with moljises gi ne:d mustard ; then put in the pork and di hauko a long time. A small green onion hei ndds a delicious flovar" This is the bi iataat recine for Boston~ "hakc4 bon. yl. 's9 Wicked Little QrL "Ma's upatairs changing her dress," kid the freckle-faced little girl, tying fr doll'a bonnet-strings and casting her ye ab'out for a tidy large enough to rve As a shawl for that double-jointed onng person. "Oh, your mother needn't dress up r me," replied the female agent of the ,issionary society, taking a Pelf-satisflod ow of herself in the mirror. "Run up id tell-her to come down just as she is i her every-day clothes, and not to amd on veremony." "Oh, but she hasn't got on her every Ry clothes. Ma was all dressed up in er new brown silk 'cause she expected [isa Dimmond to-day. Miss Dimmond ways comes over hero to show off her ice things, and ma don't mean to get It. When ma saw you coming, she ad, 'The Dickens !' and I guess she as mad about something. Ma said if 3u saw her new dress she'd have to hear 1 about the poor heathen, who don't we silk, and you'd ask her for money > buy hymn books to send 'em. Say, D the nigger ladies use hymn-book aves to do their hair up on ud make it ,zy ? Ma says she guesses that's all to good the books do 'em, if they ever 3t any books. 'I wish my doll was a eathen." "Why, you wicked little girl ; what do :n want of a heathen doll?" inquired te missionary lady, taking a mental in mntory of the new things in the parlor > get material for a homily on worldly dtravagance. "So folks would send her lots of nice uings to wear, and feel sorry to have ['r going about naked. Then she'd ive hair to friz ; and I want a doll with uly hair and eyes that roll up like eacon Sliderback's when he says amen. ain't a wicked girl, either, 'cause Uncle iek--you know Uncle Dick, he's been it Vest, and swears awful and smokes the house-he says I'm a holy terror 1d he hopes I'll b,e an angel pretty >on. Ma'll be down in a minute, so you edn't take your cloak off. She said ie'd box my ears if I asked you to. a's puttimg on that old (ress e had st year, 'cause she said she didn't want u to think she was able to give iuch its time, and she needed a new muff orse than the Queen of the Cannon all Islanls ncedel religion. Uncle ick says you oughter go to the islands, 11se you'd be sife there, and the itifs'd be sorry they was stich sinners iybody would send you to 'em. He ys lie never seen a heathen hungry tough to eat you, 'less 'twas a bhind ie, an' you'd set a blind pagan's teeth i edge so he'd never hanker after any ore missionary. Uncle Dick's awful .nny, and makes pa and ma (lie laugh g sometimes." "Your Uncle Richard is a sad, de 'aved wretch, and ought to have re ained out West, where his style is >preciated. He sets a horrid exanple r little girls like you." "Oh, I think he's nice. Hie showed e how to slide down the' bannisters and 's teaching me to whistle, when ma n't rou.di. That's a pretty (lonk you've )t, ain't it ? Do you buy all your good )t lies with missionary money? Ma ys you0i (14." Just then the little freckled-faced rl's ma came into the parlor and kissed e tissin:iry lady on the cheek and id she wa.s delighted to see her, and ey proceeded to have a real sociable at. The little girl's ma can't under rand why a person who professes to be chmxitabile as the missionary agent >es should go right over to Miss 1 )imi and's and say~ such ill-natured things she did, and she thinks thle inissi 'iuary a doub,le-faced gossip. ORIANGE COUNTY MILK. sw It Was FIrst Monut o thme Newv York Market. In a recent conversation with a re rter, Thomas J1. Taylor, an old milk oducer, of Florida, N. Y., gav'e a short story of the growth and method of the ilk traffle in Orange County. Hie " The first milk shipped fr' m Orange mniuty to New York was in A pril, 1842, d1 was p)rodued( on the farm then neid by Plo Gregory. William TL. mugridge worked Mruu. Gregory's farm, d1 sold to Mr. Gregory the milk at two nits a quart, dleliver'ed on the ears at i(ester'. It went to New York by the t ssenger train in the morning, toI'iir nt, and thence by boat. T1he Iirst ipments were made in churns, whieb thi their contents were weighied, and enty cents a hunpdred was echarged for 'ighit an] two shillings six pence for rtage from thme 1boat to the milk depoti No. 80 Thompson street, New Yor'k. r. G1re'gory employed1 a man to sell his 1k, paying him $10 a month anid io'd, and1( sold( his milk at four cents i' quail. Mr. L~angr-idge in one year a halIf made an assignment, whlile .Gregory, at two cents a qulart, p)aid freight, eartauge, rent (which was D peri year ior a basement room) and 1p, and establishued a business which s slice grown to enormous propor .ns. It was sooni found thant two cenits luart was a losing biusiness, and for miy years it wvas sold by the farmers at o cents a quart for four monuthus, three its a quart four months and four cents luarlt four months. T1hiese were the bildished prices until 1861, during ui"h time but ter' sold in the early ring and fall of' the year from one illig and saipence {()'two ahlings a >iuid, and1( dauiries to" season at 16 to 20 nis. When the war broke out prices n wihl, farmers r'eceiviing as high as tor ('ents in summr, six cenits in in g andu fall, anid 'ighut cnt finii win r ut ter was worth from 50 cents to 'enits at thle farmer's do?u'. After the .n', and up to 1871, farmers sold their ilk to the dlealer's at the mrket price P dealers made the price at, its honest liii, and flue farumers were satistied1 November, 1871, milk hiad been sell g din g the whole monthi at six cents il freighit on thle phuu iiiir at Jerisev ty. N. D). Wood,hull called a mieej g of the milk-dealers together ini Ifes. r streect, New~ Yoruk, ''n Ithe 811h of(' r'vember'c, an md piroposedci t he pl'an of iking the price tive cents, saying thait one farmoerould or wouild conterdt the ice, fHe carried his point, and ever ice the prie has been made by the me combination, led by Mr. Wou'dh nll itil he died." A New Wecapenm. nA yg man by the name of Murphiy nn t h ast End of Lonidon went >me the other niight, and iintead of find g a warmi welciomie and a hot suipper t ouind his mother lying stone (lead on e floor with her head firmly tixed in a 1 sa&uicpani. She was in ligl4r wh"nu r son left her, and the medical evi mtee went to show that she had pitched rwa'rd upon the floor and dIriveni her ad in Ihe satucepain so securely that o e.ould not extricate i*, and had cij icently dhied of nu ia'm. Sincea the .wn.of eationi the King of Ten;orr s wielded an in finite variety of we apous, it pobably never before ponfronted b I~ aiwith~ aionaan - STAlTIG OUT IN LIFE. 4 UDESNlrTIUN OFt TIH E WiRONG RIN D OF "1Y. A PIcture Of One wle Cemence. Life In the Wrenn Way. Speaking about boys. Did you ever notee how some boys make an effort to 4et along in the world? When a young nan starts out in life lie commences by ooking for a position in which he may 3arn his daily bread and find clothes to cover his nakedness. If he is one of these reckless, vagabond sort of boys whose thoughts don't run a rod into the Future, or hardly keep pace with the things going on around him, or has rown up about as does a lonely and iso ated weed in the garden that obtains its strength from a rich spot in the ground t,nd draws nourishnent from the better red plants and vegetables that from their value receivu care and attention, it is late to say that lie is one who never rhinks of nhat the next day, month or year may bring forth, and though near ing the age of manhood lie is about as sapable of filling the position of a man ts a mulloy calf. Still, lie makes a pre tense at caring for himself and claims to he doing all in his power to get along in the world. Such a boy starts out to oh bain a sitietion. He Ia reckless abotI his personal appearance. His hair is un ^.onbed, face and hands tinwasliedl. Im d lie general appearance of a tramp inl his 1xterior recommendation. If he npplit s for a position, the ian who happens to need a yoin. man sizes him up and con. ludes that ho had rather employ a Dig. tr Indian, if he has got to reform nul make clean the person whom he hires. And agnin, he will wander around fo lays and wee"ks, hanging around places where they have no more use for a boy than a dof has for two tails. He spenid )ne d:y loating about the depot., expeet ing some one will conic around and oflf him a fine situation at four dollrs 1pi lay and board. Ito will stand around 11:1 talk wi th the baggage-man at the lepot, or help the luneh-cottnter clerk t' 'mr y in coal for his dhiei, andI1Il inte tfte, noon he loafs at'ottnd some more and werapeb the ae<lpaintance of the br,ke ain in Ihe yar<l and -helps him cou'. 'ars aid unload freight, while the brakc unat fills him full of talfy about hiow 'asy it is to get a soft thing working fi 1i radroad company. The next day he tpends at the police-court listening to ho cases tried, loafs an hour or two at ho post-oflice, awhile inl a billiard 1111, ld wiilad up with a visit to a saloon. Il1 the lime he is fairly aching to hav1 ome one give him a position and he ntses the country where a young man "In find nothing to do. Wh'en you se, lint kind of a ioung man you 'can set it 'ight down that he don't. am(uint to :a -ow of pins. Men don't hire boys from iuner the caves of a saloon, aiid u"he hey are looking for a young man to (, job of work they do not go throngl lie crowd loafing around the depot will I sie h warrant, and pick out the dirt i younig tramp among the i1nmb1er. No one ever heard of a man1 who Vaited1 to hire a young, 1bi'ght, ictive. t rin g boy, with fire in his eye, energy mud viegar in his constitution, lookin ver t le loafers at the p)olive station fiir neh a boy. At such places all the hoys con wotuld find would only have oner 'nongh to masticate a chew of tobdac"o >t hold down a dry goods box on a stre, I urnr all day, and awenr through Ai. -en inig about the cursed coiiuntryv whier, lhere was nothing for a hiv ' to dlo. .Vheni a bir'mer comles inito tow'n lookinii ora bioy to 1help1 at thne sptrinig work, ait i!ii dlollairs per11011i m nt ihn hiai-J, hie lon'I look through the cioiirir.- tf fte iosiollico and( pick ont the aloncihiest indnug loafer in the crowd, or hunt up hilliaird hall, and hire the hov who 011m p wket" the most halls at pio I, or* driink he' molst hecer. Til.'ough a b)oy may wvear a iiiggitd coat, r his paiits may lie ont ut the elhonis n c'anise he has no one to m10nd, them, is ino reLason whry hei shoihloti 1ui li a iumnp, and tiake thle lighe ast trb-ek. Mani y boy with holes in; his hboots and his oat torn, lbut whose face anud hands re're clean, his eyes bright, aiid his sys em full of energy, hias carried oIf the iersiimmonsq wthen others mid better iressed boys have stood aromail with hieir hands in thlei r pockhets, cenrsinig heir luck. But thle hov 's caiiiniuike up heir minds that ,while a lousiiiess m;mu ees thornmo loig aronid depots, po11it'e ourts, the postoflice, or street cornier, A ShAux.--A fashionably dressed and 1iimonlded woman was founid wander ng through the streets of New York'I trunk. She had a pug dog in her arms mal $150 in a satchel. Long Ago. As long ago as l858, D)r. Worthiing on's famnou Cholera anid D)iairirhoea dedicine, was known as a Ppecitle (or Tholera, Cramps, Diarrhuoea, l)ysentery. rmmer ermplaints alnd the like. It an lie cem riced in the plocket. Price 25 nd 50 cents a bot tie. IN Tnlovun.--A Colnumbus youngiuinou rent to the office of a Sunday pa per thiere a get a misstaitemient corrected thI al ate .ay, wits carried away on a stretceir, and eivedC, only to lbe arrestd oi -r charg f assault with intent to kill, for it seenis hiat in t he course of the proceedings lie lourished a pistoh. lPURR codliver oil, fronm selec'ed livers on he sea shore bty Caiwell, finzaird & Co.,N !ork, Absolute ly pure and sweet. Pa. lents who have once taken it prefer it to di others. .Phyu-icians deelare it superior .o all othier oils. " Yns," said the landlord, point ing tc uis bldock of new ho uses, "'they're ahll iil1, 're1at t one at the en d; thait's list, oimt leased." CHA PPei hands face pimpl1jes and rough n urt d b)y using .linipeor 'tir Sonpij noiiie y Caswell, Haszard & Cio., .Ne.v York. Tua rule of three: For the thirid pir son to cleamr otut. Ladles & children's beots. & ahees ean't run iver if Lyon's Pat. Heel stlfleerr are used MtAuenerii.r irra twanlts to -'ll the Hoi.. -me Tl'unnuel. If n-tmith,,,y "ill hiiyi it, halilst: andh hi3' h imm I' is se-tiou of lie ountr u, u-mn:<I hue T', tone t -\riid res-tmienct. Luite ii, 'dach. i, all Yin'I-.. " r-rr,l-'in, Nor r ou.nie-Ssand I y pu-r-w. :0 onut:-. TKE petrified body of a man, with rioth hands on his stomach, has just bjeenl found ini the inis of Pompeii. I'hie deeased wa: probably one the Pompeii Board of Aldermen after a biauj wuet. Poison.-The silver ore (if the Nevaida n.ia:e is so ir.tim'adt&h j.ainted with ater with wrist drop, palsy, or hl >aralvain. - (teciolneidod to Ir ivelors. Aids digestion, lrovents naue eat and Itendacito. Druggsts. Ti;y are now experi-nenit--g with ler UIK i sutbstitute for steel rails. Wliy nOt ? Rails are stationary. OT'llMtw.A. iow --Dr JN. Armstrong *'R: I ha sett Brown's Tr:a eitti'ri i "y fa.tily antl recollnen(I its u<e to othlers." THE CONTRAcT for the Yorktown Monu. ment has been given to the Hallowell Granito Company of Maine. The mout. ment will be 97 feet 2 inches high, an<l Crowned by an1 allegorical flgnare 13 feet i high. Thunsannda hUpn Tlhetn nets. TIhet I>roliioors of theo w3orI-r,'nmvnied Ci1( ioro'ine - the a'ural hait' Ilostorer-nevoi put 1111 I s tit 't I.00 ,allonis at. a time. '1h 2i%' but at itl:t of it- ilnunenxe dmni1ttt. oItssIoE.-Meltol is made of a new kind of horseshoe, composed of three Ihicknesses of cowhide compressed into a steel moul and sthject:'d to a chemical preparation. It is said to last longer than the common shoe, weighs only one-fourth as much, requires no caIlks and is very elastio. Hnld lie ,s. whetot yt lite tried everyltiti:," olso awlti faihtt, try ollr ('arhalino natl be( h;appy; it Ill pritne its mnerits. OWl-do'la1ra bouttI. atid a >ll by nll drisir. its. "Yrs," said the ludlord, pointing to iiis block of new hoitses, "they're all full,'eelpt the one at the end; that.'s list, I)iit not" leased]." Jl":rrI:RnSo., rrvY, Mo. -r. J. C. Ri4l11 r savs: 'Perauns who isr Iirot n's I ron B t 'ers lw,v' speak -rell of it. It is a god BEING asked the sioie of her nativo place, she replied: "I have none; ] am the daughter of a Methodist min ister. "-- 'he T1) raecler. For tretuliousness, wakefitlen', lizziness ant lack or enerey, a mnost valuable remedy is Ilrowcn's Iron Bitters. "4.I111I '4r3' C(ttJ'trered weilh little ai/t ,(<rs. Th!I ltre (lisappear"ed, ad1(1 'm)( le-i. r, lhotn %or -.>1 year",.tx (ro) (Sin)/Dr". 13n,so1,'s in f 'rr."-.\. M. Noble, Selina, N. C. TiI tratpil> is not, as a general thing, vealthy, lrit he (-:il afn1Il to speniis stillii nt' i ,tll n i 13ni3 rv. A 1lrugist's ntory. .M r. le.aac M. CI a, miatn, 1)ru;gglA, Nea berg, N. 'I., wtit a Its: "I h.tve for th,+ last ten years sold evert l gross of Dr. Wit. b+alt a Bal'iu for the un,as I Van :"'y of it what I cannot eay of any .tlhen mtd e.n i I have rC(1ummended it In a great It' t"y c tet s of d hi oeing ('ou;h with the happi at i' ra I i Lse seed it in ruy own la-nily lot ma.ay yc at_. lenry's ('alolic 8a1ve Is the Bert ralve for Cuts and firuuea, Sorte, Ul ceta, Salt Eh, um, Tottrr, Chapped Handa, Chiil Ilaln. Corns, an I all kinds of Skin Erupttone, Fra kfa) an I i t aples. (net Henry's Carbolic r alvo, as all o;hera ,r: counterfeite. rice 25 etr. A WASIiINGTON oIRR1 Cntl blush till her .ose bleeds. \iit. E1DMUND YATES s:1y: Ilit the age we live in is one of criticisi rather tha:t of r.iStru(ctiontt. DRWORTHINITON'S iji'E o ' arih d IYpc1 THE GREAT HOLEA RM AND IARRHOEA URE USED OVr.R26 YEARS. The best imiiv fr i holern ('ran,pa. lIarrh'n-n, ih ..wnter. 'InnIiter ('inuin t3, liyopepsln, and erher .: lriinsiifthe irn ihe ti,i-/. Iniitoiduiedt it rnmy. '4'. 3>y -ir.re- - .r. I -i-t . S. A. ieconain.lhdert by <Oe'i. t .4 'n. I',rn-.wr.i l; 11r . li1. K ienet 13avner. SilLeiter c' r:ss.,. .11i--n t. t i'.i e. .3-> t3 odky nIruggists * - THE CHARLES A. VD0ELER COMNPANY, IIJoitetter's Stem. ?iIN~E EEhD' h Bit ters miiee tihe jIW~fl~j eqirentents of the CELEBRATED ~mat onal medical phi losophsy whtleh a?. present prevaslla. It is a perfectly pure veget able retnedy, embrinr4-3g the three - .. upop(rtanit propertli - - : of a prevrentive, ? - -tonIc and an aitera - tive. ft forifica the u- -hbdy agalr-st dlsene, vitfze hetopidc stomach soil 1ivr.{ andl effects a salutary change in the eniiire TOMACH ystemi. I For sale by all Drggss n Deal AN3M '' wll'-Kl i'\' lfAl.l'I 111331) (JPII In Three Wepks Fo 1 r lihinniplet. '.Plroo(f13 nnd3 termi-, W. .. - aL Y.IV,-s n M . ., 3noA -inet:r, ATIl.A NTA, hiA. 2TNWoN8AtE fio * TO'N, $50,1 COTOBEAM&~F RAME,S45. a 'The 1 " I. Oil e tcivo,"t oz. to 25 lb. i-. 30 tiTilEit HiZEsl. Rtedued iRiCH LisT FRBEi. F'ORGES, TOOLS, &c. IET F10E 116DE FIR I.10ilT 11ol3, * io 4lb. Aun v Ii and Kit of Tools, Sio 'arme rena,e time and money doing odd jobs. Blwr- nv-il-. Vice'-I &' Other Artlicles AT Li E1ST lItit'S, IIILt.SALE & IISTAiL. ONES fro. l-evers. Slee i3.arlin as A REREM .sME, U5 P*AWN ThIE~ 5.e Ie(UlT 134ie i trial. warrantieiaa yeae. A4L.ie als ts w. - JONM3 OF BINGHAMTON, 111tillANToN. , 5 . CURES E ALLELSE FAILS. ButCouh srup Tatesgood. Uen nt.Sold by druiggtsta. A OE.NTS WANT ED E!al2 : I naiInei,l tivr invo.mi W Ailli ,tnpimfit km3 1tniln kn i -at ivrii-ty *of ftk1- w rk. for whi- b ihee nnwan rad nrE. . Stud lorcu.. la. In . .it,n to t T .lii J l NITTIt..iffli t'.,if3 nu 3N 3Tui1 lio1TO , MAS. DR. St B, CO0W!L, La Port- !ud, ,to A<hiuti -rimsO(N a (:o.. P'ort.land, Mie A ( .NT'3 \NTF lf-r t.u- b. tend i-i. .. IU * I'31d i e Io indtis ti n an tmutin)ur ~ 1 , ~ fit in -13311 3 ,~, i-r mourt neu Vur T HE rE8T IS CHEAPEST.'' JA~LrinH RESH EBS SA-ILs Atlarstua-Ga. Wialk JJoro aid Sleep, lmuslly. Mr. Jont \W. Ootx,, Priiiatl of tho Gale School, 'T'roy, N. Y., writes us: " Tu' o, N. Y., April 7. I'$1. "Ihavinlg ho mn aNflio!edi for so'- r:ul , e Ir,; n;it with lleaj, thw enu.e of whicl w 1un lilowll to 1no for at 1lng tilm', and m1t col'' inuod disalility gettin;, to be of so s-io:m mtd distrossiini, at charaet'3r" as ti cau.e ;:i a; anxiety with ny lf"amiily itil friend", l beiwlt "tistletd upon t"'O:O inve:tigati'on th:t the( auseu of my sickness was tho lisen- I cont"t. ion of my kidneys ail liv( r. At this timie ,y acciIent a friend, wh') h1:11l silnilatr s,iy o:ins to mnine, inforiie,d noe o tim ;;.-e.1t iiirovomont in his h'altlh by takin;: 11unt 's Kemody, and t,er'ided iw to tr- it. 1 inmediatly comtneect taking it, ati t'rom Ie first bottlo e_-i to ill)Irove, n aitl its onttullued ue aitlfon." .t.'"y esI(, -lnd ro Nllts. I Can slee) r"o:iully, walk IbIet'r, ihn b,o3 fron pains, indI th sex -e alt ts of I- adlache front which I suffereil;,) :nuich have tisal,ppearod, and( I o wetrl'ully r. c'>nlanmld A1unt's 1t011n10ly for aill iurin>-:os I,l)- which it s ndvertisoad. I will adtd ii CO,- n ; t::t ny vi fo its used it very st w :i;t'ullt" fo)r 1)ru e11tiiig the nttacks of sic":t Lo:tj i,'1' with aich sho had bol aillic!u.1 fro:i yo.h,.i Almnost I)ii1henetened1. A promino:lt citizou sonltts us the folywii it;t( o:ntent: Fo ti soveral years 1 Iutve bel very ::..,i )us'y ailllieto I with i severo )ain i ny I)n:1'- ;. vhich I long su1)po)ell to bt 1inh'1ti;,aI Ieunatismi of the bau;;. Nlorot rur, ietn; iu mills had b ecolo 1ino -1' ,'vern, so ilti1'-b hit it w.ts with dillic"ulty tlhit I was l aIbb n tot out of bedt in the Iinot-i:i::. I lod ti in I rious remodies wit ho't itlny aiia riruit rel.e f. 13 tho einest" solicilat to:I of a frieid I o:n. nenced 1(tunt's ltn:c:l;:, aith t three wt k:" tgo. itnd its inst:ati:n-us IbenelitS are v.,on lerful, for I have had no f)aius inl my Iacl, nce taking tIo first thte doses; 'ltal tun "elieved front t le ini" , 11 hi; anie i t' xliaust it e venlkness, the I)ainlful rnil ,n1K that u:sually1 tcompantty diae l' nth l - k;itneys. Aitl ' x,u!idently- expeet to b,e (onltilely 8tn. iper" liUneitlyV cured ly the II ' t of it.. I ni1oI;1 lIcor"fnlly reconnluernll lIbot'r; ietldy to till b1o atre alillietkd With any ki<hni-y or licul isea:te. W11,1:1.\\M U. AIINOL1D, W\"alnitti ircet, I'rovidenct, 1i. 1. Mlarch 29, 1$i :. 3O0DAYSJL pRr S DR. BEfORE -AND - AFTER Electric Appliances are sent on 30 Days' Trial. TO MEN ONLY, YOUNG OR OLD, W 110 nro iu,ri'i,ri:, from Ntitvoe:s 11ril. sY, LoST \'-t1tl.ltV. LAcK oHr N'I;ltIi 1"Oi-tY. AND ioOt, VATI( -'i F:ACNEssI'n, nni al th -n ,nP.-s - Of t 'F.tSONAf. NATI'IN. l','itiln: fr,.n Atis.Es1ani. OTuEI (;At-F hi. -.,ee"dy reli"f 1nl cn'lot rct', rationof iitAI.Tl''i)It,\' il n MAN'I nt11 G)( IAnta sTF:n:1. The grandbst discovery of tho N in,"t''nthI (,"ntr-y. St'ndatoncof,"riu:,lrat..:d1'ulrphictfrtu., Addlres3 VOLTAIC BELT CO., MARSHALL, MICII. I@* S a me 0 - -m e, *o rtut . i * . 0e MIL & FA m. PLE OF ALLKINDS ":. , HOSE and PACKING, O1LS, PUJMPS ALL. KINDS, hlRON PIPE, FITTINGS, BRASS GOODS, STEAM GAUGES, ENGINE GOVERiNORS, &c. Sendfor Price-list. W. HI. DIL LINGH A M & Co 4 Main Street. LOUISVILLE. KY. SMITH & SPAUT.,Di, Piropr',t. 1.ife gehIolshp, tult etn Innt. F"or fullt p;art iuar addij,.N, .1. '1. Afer. thorough~l truui of' th IRtON 'lONIC. I ta.ko pIeaanre'C iln sIttt.- that I h.u ti bee -.'oaj*9. use l?it('trs onej 1>P i of the great.*st e.1 where' i. Tonb ,'n "at. asn e -eitaible 'OkilLi~ dIoubte(I nuhtritive andc ~'4'~ zestorative properties. E' A Lvnill. Ky., (ke. I, t"'. F " The Westinot~ no Keyinig Uip *"))1rially! ( adapted to 00TTO N MIL1I.R. ROLLING M1LLS, PLANING MILLS, 8A W MIL LS, PA PER M IL LS, CO0 TON GINNING, ELEO1T'fIJ LIGHITINo, t Sr<'l .for I :tratfcl Gircidar. Mr4 - IITiTNURGHoi, PA. General State Agencies: V L.Am ENGINEERING CO., 88 h:rietti Street, .At! ta, Ga. IONTooMKRY Iaox WoREs, Montgow. s *r t. Alabarn. SOMETHINC EVERY LADY OUGHT TO KNOW. There exists a means of so curingt a soft and brilliant Complexion, no matter how poor it may naturally be. 1aFan's Magnolia Balmt is a delicate and harmless arti cle, which instantly renioves. Freckles, Tan, Redness, Rou rhness, Erupt ions, Vul -A gar'lushimgs, etc., etc. So delicate and natural ,re its effects that Its use .s not sus sected by anybody. No lady has the right to present a disfigured faice in society wh0(en the Magnolia Balm is sold by all druggists for 7~> cents. NEW IMPROVED W AT C-1 E3s -A .+t "tA ! fln, t Tinitj Keepurt', lowru31 pric+. N1:NIlrt' 1ul U.1'I'.LIGC J. P. 'aEVENS WATCH CO. A WntTrrnAxt r,EUT. - - ATLANTA. (iA A A Great Problem. TAKE ALL THE Kidney& Liver Medicines, PURIFIERS, RHEUMATIC Remedies. Dyspepsia And Indigestion Cures. Ague, Fever, And Bilious Specifics. Brain& Nerve Force Revivers. Great Health Restorers. IN SIIO)ltT, T.4JH E .J TillE isaENT qnni lIe'. Ef:ill thes, e ie beIuliehuwi Et ll findE 1h1.1 11011' t i'TT l1.. havei thu besut (Earn- 4 ( i i SEun Ei l 1( n n i Eon erai ol .all conlcetrated in thn m:,d 6 ha I e i ll~ cu1 (tre we nany or I i l of 'E--, il y 1 orEaI enIinEEI, fall. A thor-. (iih '.' ri- ill nave I posaiIIh e pErof or ti. POBox (90 Neiw Orleans, La te i a l IIN i'i l :s. II. n 1I,%w.r. StEam ~ I (lk. b S A N llO0 I or all .A ho wI'l ganske .pae tirne prof AI-e rm :. N :.Es; i oN, Ath.:ntn, ff. M4IP! l. If Aitic.'Ji' -' ni; 'i nta iE. 1 .0 'Not htat E.-Dr. 9 iINti i 11 Al c r.-. to.ci ne of rUn. I ere. : ,a Ira paa ef orm. J.r-iafAp. ftatt, i'roAtraionc Of' B el a * -EEEEE ' err ,,lte e ot ouse Engmne.. ed fromn dir, Self Oiling, and reqirca r l ja .I m- 's.