University of South Carolina Libraries
HONEST ABE, 0.M, Two Loving Hearts Reunited by His Verses. ALSO CELEBRATES WEDDING. Mzppy Tale of Kato Hill and Young Gun Related In Numbers?Rural j Rhymer Is Warned Against Offtoial [ Jealousy. By M. QUAD. '^Copyright. 1909, by Associated Literary Press. J ** tk BE." said the postmaster as I got ?% ready to go out on my route the other morning, "don't you know that this grocery busir ness of yours is certain to get yon into -trouble sooner or later?*' "A8 to bow?" I asked. "With the postmaster general. Be is *Jso a poet, and there will be jealousy, <nd yonll bare to go." "But he's one kind of a poet, and Fm another. Be writes nothing but obituary poetry, and I never touch that line. 1 stick mostly to lore and matrimony. This is a pa terra I gororo merit. isn't it?" "Of come* "Then as a representative of the ;S? governmeot it is uiy duty to take case r". ? TOUMT <Bggg SEES SPOOKS. ; ;. of (be heartaches along my route. TTbere ougbt to be a poet on every nival mail roete in America." "Well, go abend, but don't oretdo it. If you do tbe letter carriers in tbe - noma aro In hnto ft haul timA -oi k" ~ A Cry For Help. I was passing the boose of Fanner Jones, not baring any mail for the Dually, when Mrs. Jozies came to the froot door and blew the dinner horn after me. When 1 bad baited she euoe down to the gate and said: "Abe, something's got to be did." "Jest so," aays I, "'and what is it?" "Tbmmy Wfciee is getting ready to 3Bt oar Sate." "Too daot mean it?" "*8 true as I lire. It's the flsst ease ?C It along this road in fifty years. In, sir, he's a-getttog ready to throw tar over, and he'll do it but for you." "Bat what hare 1 got to do with it?" "You're got to write some poetry ~apd -scare the boots oflTn Tom. Suwfe** laying in the bouse on her dying (led and is depending oo you. You'll he to blame if she dies. Tom would lie ail right if other girls would let Ida alone. If it -was me I'd see him to Texas tat. bot Susie's different. She hain't got no Jones spunk about fegar, but keeps calling for him. Dool Jpo think yoa can do something?* "^Wky, of course." 1 followed Aunt Mary iato the kttchend after a glass of sweet cider r end a piece of apple pie 1 sat down x aaddasbed off the following: 3ed Tela of Susie Jones. h Qm bei hod Hes Atnto Joaee, And It Is foe the, reason " .Itot abeweofd gladly welcome death .-Sy way cd- soma cold plsen. ' 99he seve her heart to Tommy Wfelte. Engaged <tb?r were to marry, dShsn'that young man he did begin Sto-cot up tike old Harry. . He went a-aparkiog Mary Browa *!? And a-eparking Jennie Skinner Afid fell in love with Beesie Lee , ,JEIa_dkl or I'm a sinner. - ~Aa3 to "his old true lore he said (How coat<3 he bear to tell ner?)^ li "3 guess you'd Detter give me up " / And get some other feller." <Sr -"False hearted wretch, away, awayl * 1 scorn. thee now forever!" i - Said'Sue to Jtttie Tommy VWiite :f m -And got it off so clever. "Salt, ah. alas, she has a heart, ffc And that 'ere heart Is breaking! f 3be -cannot quench her love for him And for Mm- still Is aching. - She weeps the day and sighs the night. Tbe grave wHl soon -receive her, . am Tommy White will get a Jar \ Because he-did deceive her. XaUHhove the mghtmare every night, . . And ghosts win come to mock him, k Sft Basle's spook will lie lg wait 'And a dtn> win soas mm. Iftftl lose Ids appetite for beans. "** The measles wire will set him. Salt fade away Illce last year's sras^ iad do one will regret him. j-* Open the footboard of his bed ?3j& Stack oats with eyes so. yaller WUI sit and scream until his mood ?? chilled and turned to taller? Then butcher knives and hangmen's ropes And skeletons unnumbered And drowned men Ashed up from the sea To choke him while he slumbered. JU1 this and more will happen Tom (Death's wings already rustle) X Unless he gets a hump on him And doth proceed to hustle. Two Loving Hearts Reunited. I read the above to Mrs. Jones in a Jeep bass voice, and sbe shuddered as I read. When rfhe eould tJdntrdl self she said: "Abe. Susie Is saved. She will copy that off and send it to Tom. and he'll be here or out of the state before sundown." Her prediction turned out to be correct. Tommy White was there by midafternoon asking Susie to forgive him. and of course she was eating corn beef the next day, and ail was happy as before. 1 also discovered that things had happened at the house of Farmer Kill. He was at the gate to wink at me as 1 drew up, and when 1 asked him vrhat he meant by sueb conduct he said: "Abe. it was like a circus. You know our Kate, of course?old maid, thirt.r-one last week. neTer had a beau, about as handsome as a crab apple tree. Well, she's stepped off. Went with a rush and if now on a bridal tour." "Top don't sajrr "Come in till 1 tell you the reet and then write souie poetrj about it. She told me to tell job she'd be naad if .von didn't Bj thunder. Abe, we do?*t know whether we're afoot or on borsebaefc lu this boose?' 1 went In with him, and after I bad hatred the story 1 sat down and invented the followed and took away a two pound oefee of fresh botter as my rewaed: The Wooing of Kate. Oh. a windmill roan was blowing- along. And the rtay was a dusty one. Ana be whistled and sang, a happy man, f For ne w?s a sea of a Gun. For his father's name was Gun. you see. And a son of a Gun he had to be. Oh. this son of a Son was a cheeky chap! A-raising the breeae was ne. A-maktng bis windmills turn around And a-askteg farmeos to see. For he was a bird, and he was fly. And he traveled about with oae cock eye. Oh. to Fasnner Hill's canoe the staaajper man To tarry a day or two! TO taiK or ID* waj ?a?n uiturn*, waimw And the way each aephyr blow Would. make bis old mM tab* on a bump And water the tows by way ot toe pump. oh. the windmill man got ready to ebin. And his grin was a beauty to see. When the fawner's gal eame out to tha well A-stnglng her tra-la-lee! Her name rt was Jf&te. and she was a gal Jo neat any mala who was eear named Sat. Oh. the windmill man be was struck at onee. And Kate she did simper and blush. And Ouptd went at It a record to make. And there was a hustle and rush! And in just Are hours the man did pop. And In Are and a half Jflss A ate did drop. Oh. a preacher he came when the sun went down. And a marriage there was. tra-lee! Ana the name of a fiill was cnanged to Gun. And the bride was a happy she. And the son ot a Gun he rose and said He'd rather be there than lying dead. Oh. the windmill man and his blushing bride Hare gone for a honeymoon! And they'll eat gurodrops and choeolatee And hug and Kiss and spoon. And there'll be pop-pops in these yere parts When little. Guns tome to bleee their neases. Couldn't Spare Any. * "Wbat'a tbe baby crying about?" asked tbe fosbjesabie mother. 'Tor a cake, mar am," replied tbe Dorse girl. - . "Well, give ber a cake, for gsaeiocs sake, and stop her noise!" ,. .. Imm'? an* Aatio in f h* I Ml I lUVIf iOli uuj ... ?-? bonse. run'am. Will i give her om of Whiskers' dog cakes?" "troodness. do! There are only of tbem left for dear little Whiskers?' ?Yon tears Statesman. How It Happened. Lad r?Boor man! So yon are Just out of jail? Trarap?Yes, mom. I was a victim of fortune fellers back in Dim?t>aloe. Lady?Indeed? Tramp?Yes. mum. The district attorney told where Fd ever been and what I'd ever done daring my whole life, and&tbe judge predicted where I would be for the nest ten years.? Pack. Appropriate Cake Gifts. For tbe delinquent creditor?Short cake. For the singer?Dot ogb> cake. For the sailor?Currant oake. Fer tbe tramp-Sponge cake. For the drunkard?Drop cake. For the farmer?Hoe cake. For tbe cowboy?Plain cake. For tbe house boilder? Raisin cake. Hope You're Not One. "Yes: Migglesby is usually remembered by his friends and rejatives on Christmas, but not rery well. You see, he is a 10 o'clocker." "A 10 o'cloclier?" asks the interested listener. "What is that?' "A 10 o'clocker is somebody you forget all about until 10 o'clock the night before Christmas."?Judge's Library. Oarlotta's Indecision. I world like mooch to know Why Carlotta treat me ao. Evra time i ask eef she Eeee gon' marry weetha me. WH91 sne cmim. ucii sue iruwn, Den she look rae up an' down. Den she sh&k' her heed an' say* *1 gon' tal you Chrees'mas day.1* Orvee Wen we are out for walk An' 1 am begin to talk 8he say: "Don'ia speak no more. Oh. com', see dees jew'ler store. My. Jus' look dat dl'mon* reeng! Eet ees justa sweetes' theengl Only seexe-feefty, see?" Dat's da way she teasa me. IPindin' theengs for talka 'bout Jus* for mak' me shut my mout*. Blmeby w'en she turn for go 1 say. "Com*. 1 musta know"? "Oh." she stamp her foot an* say, "I gon' tal you Chrees'mas day!" 1 would like mooch to know Why Carlotta treat me so. Wata for she always say. *1 gon* tal you Chrees'rtai day?* I ?Catholic Standard and Tlmea. i A SENSE " OF "HUMOR. " Oh, Yes, Every Man .Is Absolutely ?or* tain He Owns It. A sense of humor is something which everj man possesses in a superlative degree. Men will admit they hare no reverence, they will ill treat their wives, outdo their neighbors?will own up, indeed, to every crime on the calendar, but not to bein^ devoid of a sense of humor. And, moreover, the senso of humor belonging to every man is invariably "keen." The most stolid. / phlegmatic person, who never gets near enough to the point of a joke to throw his hat upon it, will toll you with tears in his eves that he never would have been able to have lived through if it hadn*t been for me reuse ui uuuiur. The worst offender, however, is the one who makes a business of exploiting this unirersally assumed trait. He takes you aside in a kind of joyous confidence. "'I couldn't begin to tell you,* he declares, "'all the funny things I see. J don't know why it is"?this with an air ac if it were a heaven sent gift which he modestly is in no sense responsible for?"but anything funny?real funny?appeals to ice. If I could only remember to set them down! But somehow I never think of it at the time." He then proceeds to tell you of an incident that happened to himself?personally, "iou have heard the story perhaps txm years back?go far back, indeed, that you have almost fopgotien it. But you wouldn't let yam friend know thai lew the wsozld. When Be has finished you laugh heartily. Long practice has trained you to laugh upon these occasions ts if you really meant it, and you 4?n kirw ff>?f if i? <tfvrfnir?lT one of 1UJXA WMW V 4 V At ^ ? - the beet things you have ever heard. Henceforth you avoid him. A b?raed victim dreads the man with a sens? of humor. Why is it that a mail, modest in other respects, who, if he saved another's life would coneeal it, boldly and unblushingly talks about his wonderful sense of humor without the slightest compunction ? Next to him comes the ycrnng girl of the family. Let us call her dear Mabel. You've seen Mabel, of course ? "Do you know." her mother declares, "that child seee the funny side of everything! You just ought to hear her! No matter where she goes it is always the same! Why, last night we sat up listening to ber while she entertained us with what she saw on the trolley car?just think of it?and?well, I thought I should certainly split with laughter. Mimic! Perfteet! And you ought to see the poetry she wrote! She'd be awful mad if she knew I was showing it. I wanted her to send it to the papeic, but I couldn't persuade her. Isn't it perfectly, splendid? 1 supwse she Mlghit^not to be entouraged too mSmT ? have a friend who's a writer, and he advised roe to keep her down. But it does seem as if talent like that ought to be put to use. Oh, you just wait till you hear her! Such a sense of humor!" You don't w$it. You love dear Mahal?at a distance. You sneak away in the gjoaining. You have been there before. Henceforth when Mabel heaves in sight you put your helm hard a port and wear ship. It has often been shyly intimated ?by bachelors?that women have no sense of humor. Yet think of tBe monumental joke every woman plays on a man when she marries him ! ? Success Magazine. ' Throwing Stones at a Tiger. fcirmo th*nOTin(* ic not. xcnthniit its WVU V? WW J v tr MMW uses in hunting the fiercest of game. At the first sound the tiger walked out and up the opposite bank and fell to a general discharge. As he lay motionless one of the guns suggested our walking across to measure him, but I demurred to measuring a tiger before I was sure he was dead and insisted on some one throwing stones at him first. A large stone hit the tiger, who got up and lurched rather than charged in our direction, with the savage coughing grunt?you cannot, exactly describe it as a roar?which a tiger makes when charging. There was another general fusillade as he dipped into the ravine, then a moment of strained suspense as to whether he would be up our bank and into the middle of us. He had had enough, however.?Colonel A. Do rant in Cornhill. Didn't Like His Loefes. A would be author called on Mr. AA?a/V iY*? JP ItJIUS UJUt: uaj (it liis uiuw: ixi llh, old time Boston publishing house of Ticknor & Fields. Evidently the young man did not like Mr. Field's appearance, for thia was the eonver1 8ation that took place: "Is this Mr. Fields?" "It is, sir." "Mr. James T. FieMs?" "I am he." "Well, , then, Fd like to sae Mr. Tfe&rwrF" - - i? i * ^ He Didn't Atk." Ho is a small boy who Mas to Hare the things thai bo ir&xrtsL and he is diplomatic in getting them. The other daj ho had gone out to make a call irith his mamma upon an old friend. "INow, dear," said mamma as they stood on the doorstep, "remember that you are not to ask for anything." "Yes, mamma," answered the small boy. "I have been busy almost all the morning making crullers," said the friend as she entered the room and - t n 4 1 1 <? greeted tnem. a ueauuc eiprwbsiuu spread over the small boy's face. "I like to hear you talk about crullers," he said, with a smile of more than childlike innocence. "Why, are you fond of them?" asked the mamma's friend in a pleased tone. "Oh, yes, very," said the small boy, looking if anything still more innocent. "I didn't ask for them, mamma," he cried in a tone of indignant protest as the door closed on the cruller maker, who bad gone to bring in a sample. How He Knew. In an assault and battery case tried in a Cleveland court the prosecuting witness testified at length that the defendant bad knocked him senseless and had then kicked him for several minutes. "If this man's attack rendered you unconscious," demanded the magistrate, "how is it that you know he kicked you when you were down?" This question seemed to floor the witness. Be was lost in reflection lor some moments; then, brighten ing, be replied: "I know it, yorar honor, because tfestfs what I would have done to him if Pd got him down."?Ciiele Magazine. It doesn't go much good to play truant from the school of experience. It it much better to take things easy than to be taken for an easy thing. ATTENTION, FARMERS I am offering the following farms in Lexington county for sale, these farms may ne had for cash or on easy terms. Consult me for particulars. 250; acres, the Luther Wessinger place 8J miles s w from Chapin (Dutch Pork) 5 room dwelling, barn, 2 tenant houses, well and springs, fine combination farm, 50 acres in pasture. 65 acres same tract with or without four room house. 100 acres two miles from Brookland on Southern railway, fine for fruit and trucking 3 miles from city. 300 acres on Congaree creek, 7 miles fromi Columbia, on public road, 100 acres cleared, 120 acres wired for pasture, new 7 room dwelling, barn, stables, etc. 24 acres, 3 miles from Columbia, adjoining Brookland annex. Suited for subdivision or trucking. 9 room residence, large lot, also four room cottage in Brookland. Convenient to church and school. ?n ohkw fine Inner laaf nine timber. I abort* 40 acres unbled, f miles from Southern railroad. Several lots and small tracts in and around Brookland. i List your property with me. I sell lots and homes. Farms for sale and rent. C.M. Dempsey, "The Land Man" 1217 Washington St. Columbia, S.C. LAND BOUGHT, SOLD AND EXCHANGED ON COMMISSION* MULE On a oar loa already arrived Our quick se We have s< Horses. WAGONSmost complete ] makes as Mitche hold the trade. "OUR GUAR IV 1113-1115 Hampton Aver I FOR CHRIS' 1 WE | Fancy Vests, I Ties, Handkerchief: I Matched Sets, Necl Suspenders in Kol Coats, Umbrellas. In addition o complete Men and Boys' ! ercoats, Ra Shoes, I anc The best mal | prices E. G. ORE ma MEN'S AND BO LEXINC1 Sterling Goods Sterling silver, cut glass, fine china, clocks. A fine stocfc always on hand for you tc select from. Keep us in mmd when wanting anything in Je*>elry oj Silverware. kood wateh work and best eye glasses. If you can't come, send foi our catalogue or telephone your order to us. P. H. LACI1IC0TTE & CO., JEWELERS, 1424 MainSStJColumbia, S. C1 rii nfii TIKJIW 909 t. ??????ip???^ Notice, Trespassers. Thisfis to notify all persons not to tree pass on the lands of the undersigned by either hunting, fishing, or in any manner whatever. The law will be rigidly enforced against all violators of this notice. 4w8p. J. J. LOWN. TRESPASS NOTICE. This is to notify all persons not to hunt, day or night, or trespass in any manner whatever upon the lands of the undersigned, as the law will certainly be enforced against all trespassers. Murphy Hufcto, Charles Hatto, B. C. Hufcto, Jerrod P. La ess, Mrs Mary M I Lncas. 4w9p Sand HC id arrived last v this week, dling plan is draw 3veral nice Mare; Undoubtedly we I: line of Wagons i ill, Old Hickory, a ANTEE MEANS I fc, M7 m jry 111 ^ lule C itie rMAS TRADE OFFER Fancy Half Hcse | 5 and Half Hose in | kiies in Holiday Boxes, liday Boxes, Sweater ? ur regular line is | Suits and Ov- ? incoats, Pants, | iats, Underwear 1 1 AlI^Furnishings. | its at the lowest ? HER & CO. >YS' OUTFITTERS I i row, s. u. \ ; SOUTHERN RAIL WAY I SCHEDULE EFFECTIVE JUNE 20. N. B. Theee schedule figures show the time tliat trains may be expected to ? arrive and depart, but the times stated are not guaranteed. : DEPARTURES FROM LEXINGTON. ) NORTHBOUND. 10:18 A. M.?No. 8, daily for Columbia and intermediate points connectiug at Columbia for Spartanburg and Asherille. Parlor cafe oar Columbia to Asheville. Arrive Columbia 10:50 a. m., Spartanburg 5:15 p. m., Asheville 9:15 p. m. ; 6:55 P. M.?No. 130, daily for Columbia, Washington and the East also connects at Columbia for Asheville. Through Pullman sleeping car to New York. Pullman sleeping oar Columbia to Asheville. Arrive Columbia 7:30 p. ra., Washington 10:40 a. m., New York 5:00 p. m. SOUTHBOUND. 7:28 A. M.?No. 129, daily for Augusta and intermediate points. Arrive Augusta 10:10 a. in. Pullman car. . 5:44 P. M.?No. 7, daily for Augusta and intermediate points. Arrive ? Augusta 8:35 p. m. Summer excursion tickets now on sale. For further information call on ticket agents, or 0. H. Ackert, V. P. & GK M., "Washington, D. C. H. F. Cary, G. P. A., Washington, D. 0. J. L. Meek, A. G. P. A., Atlanta?Ga. W. E. McGee, T. P. A., Augusta, Ga. 7ASH LOANS At 7 and 8 per cent Loans made on improved farms in Richland and Lexington oeunties in sums ot $300 and upwards, payable in installments, no commissions are charged, borrower paying for preparation of papers only. Loans of $1,000 or over at seven per cent., under $1,000 at eight per cent. THOMAS & THOMAS, ' I 1237 Washington St., Columbia, S. 0. )RSES reek and another M ing the business. 3 and well broken lave the best and . n the South, such . ,nd Hackney will SOMETHING" < 4 o. - Columbia, St C i