The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, December 22, 1909, Image 2
HONEST ABE, 0.M,
Two Loving Hearts Reunited by
His Verses.
ALSO CELEBRATES WEDDING.
Mzppy Tale of Kato Hill and Young
Gun Related In Numbers?Rural
j Rhymer Is Warned Against Offtoial
[ Jealousy.
By M. QUAD.
'^Copyright. 1909, by Associated Literary
Press. J
** tk BE." said the postmaster as I got
?% ready to go out on my route
the other morning, "don't you
know that this grocery busir
ness of yours is certain to get yon into
-trouble sooner or later?*'
"A8 to bow?" I asked.
"With the postmaster general. Be is
*Jso a poet, and there will be jealousy,
<nd yonll bare to go."
"But he's one kind of a poet, and
Fm another. Be writes nothing but
obituary poetry, and I never touch
that line. 1 stick mostly to lore and
matrimony. This is a pa terra I gororo
merit. isn't it?"
"Of come*
"Then as a representative of the
;S? governmeot it is uiy duty to take case
r". ?
TOUMT <Bggg SEES SPOOKS.
; ;.
of (be heartaches along my route.
TTbere ougbt to be a poet on every nival
mail roete in America."
"Well, go abend, but don't oretdo it.
If you do tbe letter carriers in tbe
- noma aro In hnto ft haul timA
-oi k" ~
A Cry For Help.
I was passing the boose of Fanner
Jones, not baring any mail for the
Dually, when Mrs. Jozies came to the
froot door and blew the dinner horn
after me. When 1 bad baited she
euoe down to the gate and said:
"Abe, something's got to be did."
"Jest so," aays I, "'and what is it?"
"Tbmmy Wfciee is getting ready to
3Bt oar Sate."
"Too daot mean it?"
"*8 true as I lire. It's the flsst ease
?C It along this road in fifty years.
In, sir, he's a-getttog ready to throw
tar over, and he'll do it but for you."
"Bat what hare 1 got to do with it?"
"You're got to write some poetry
~apd -scare the boots oflTn Tom. Suwfe**
laying in the bouse on her dying
(led and is depending oo you. You'll
he to blame if she dies. Tom would
lie ail right if other girls would let
Ida alone. If it -was me I'd see him
to Texas tat. bot Susie's different.
She hain't got no Jones spunk about
fegar, but keeps calling for him. Dool
Jpo think yoa can do something?*
"^Wky, of course."
1 followed Aunt Mary iato the kttchend
after a glass of sweet cider
r end a piece of apple pie 1 sat down
x aaddasbed off the following:
3ed Tela of Susie Jones.
h Qm bei hod Hes Atnto Joaee,
And It Is foe the, reason
" .Itot abeweofd gladly welcome death
.-Sy way cd- soma cold plsen.
' 99he seve her heart to Tommy Wfelte.
Engaged <tb?r were to marry,
dShsn'that young man he did begin
Sto-cot up tike old Harry.
. He went a-aparkiog Mary Browa *!?
And a-eparking Jennie Skinner
Afid fell in love with Beesie Lee
, ,JEIa_dkl or I'm a sinner.
- ~Aa3 to "his old true lore he said
(How coat<3 he bear to tell ner?)^ li
"3 guess you'd Detter give me up " /
And get some other feller." <Sr
-"False hearted wretch, away, awayl *
1 scorn. thee now forever!" i
- Said'Sue to Jtttie Tommy VWiite :f m
-And got it off so clever.
"Salt, ah. alas, she has a heart, ffc
And that 'ere heart Is breaking! f
3be -cannot quench her love for him
And for Mm- still Is aching.
- She weeps the day and sighs the night.
Tbe grave wHl soon -receive her,
. am Tommy White will get a Jar \
Because he-did deceive her.
XaUHhove the mghtmare every night, .
. And ghosts win come to mock him, k
Sft Basle's spook will lie lg wait
'And a dtn> win soas mm. Iftftl
lose Ids appetite for beans. "**
The measles wire will set him.
Salt fade away Illce last year's sras^
iad do one will regret him. j-*
Open the footboard of his bed ?3j&
Stack oats with eyes so. yaller
WUI sit and scream until his mood
?? chilled and turned to taller? Then
butcher knives and hangmen's ropes
And skeletons unnumbered
And drowned men Ashed up from the sea
To choke him while he slumbered.
JU1 this and more will happen Tom
(Death's wings already rustle) X
Unless he gets a hump on him
And doth proceed to hustle.
Two Loving Hearts Reunited.
I read the above to Mrs. Jones in a
Jeep bass voice, and sbe shuddered as
I read. When rfhe eould tJdntrdl
self she said:
"Abe. Susie Is saved. She will copy
that off and send it to Tom. and he'll
be here or out of the state before sundown."
Her prediction turned out to be correct.
Tommy White was there by midafternoon
asking Susie to forgive him.
and of course she was eating corn beef
the next day, and ail was happy as before.
1 also discovered that things had
happened at the house of Farmer Kill.
He was at the gate to wink at me as
1 drew up, and when 1 asked him
vrhat he meant by sueb conduct he
said:
"Abe. it was like a circus. You
know our Kate, of course?old maid,
thirt.r-one last week. neTer had a beau,
about as handsome as a crab apple tree.
Well, she's stepped off. Went with a
rush and if now on a bridal tour."
"Top don't sajrr
"Come in till 1 tell you the reet and
then write souie poetrj about it. She
told me to tell job she'd be naad if
.von didn't Bj thunder. Abe, we do?*t
know whether we're afoot or on borsebaefc
lu this boose?'
1 went In with him, and after I bad
hatred the story 1 sat down and invented
the followed and took away a
two pound oefee of fresh botter as my
rewaed:
The Wooing of Kate.
Oh. a windmill roan was blowing- along.
And the rtay was a dusty one.
Ana be whistled and sang, a happy man,
f For ne w?s a sea of a Gun.
For his father's name was Gun. you see.
And a son of a Gun he had to be.
Oh. this son of a Son was a cheeky chap!
A-raising the breeae was ne.
A-maktng bis windmills turn around
And a-askteg farmeos to see.
For he was a bird, and he was fly.
And he traveled about with oae cock eye.
Oh. to Fasnner Hill's canoe the staaajper
man
To tarry a day or two!
TO taiK or ID* waj ?a?n uiturn*, waimw
And the way each aephyr blow
Would. make bis old mM tab* on a bump
And water the tows by way ot toe pump.
oh. the windmill man got ready to ebin.
And his grin was a beauty to see.
When the fawner's gal eame out to tha
well
A-stnglng her tra-la-lee!
Her name rt was Jf&te. and she was a gal
Jo neat any mala who was eear named
Sat.
Oh. the windmill man be was struck at
onee.
And Kate she did simper and blush.
And Ouptd went at It a record to make.
And there was a hustle and rush!
And in just Are hours the man did pop.
And In Are and a half Jflss A ate did
drop.
Oh. a preacher he came when the sun
went down.
And a marriage there was. tra-lee!
Ana the name of a fiill was cnanged to
Gun.
And the bride was a happy she.
And the son ot a Gun he rose and said
He'd rather be there than lying dead.
Oh. the windmill man and his blushing
bride
Hare gone for a honeymoon!
And they'll eat gurodrops and choeolatee
And hug and Kiss and spoon.
And there'll be pop-pops in these yere
parts
When little. Guns tome to bleee their
neases.
Couldn't Spare Any. *
"Wbat'a tbe baby crying about?"
asked tbe fosbjesabie mother.
'Tor a cake, mar am," replied tbe
Dorse girl. - .
"Well, give ber a cake, for gsaeiocs
sake, and stop her noise!" ,. ..
Imm'? an* Aatio in f h*
I Ml I lUVIf iOli uuj ... ?-?
bonse. run'am. Will i give her om of
Whiskers' dog cakes?"
"troodness. do! There are only
of tbem left for dear little Whiskers?'
?Yon tears Statesman.
How It Happened.
Lad r?Boor man! So yon are Just
out of jail?
Trarap?Yes, mom. I was a victim
of fortune fellers back in Dim?t>aloe.
Lady?Indeed?
Tramp?Yes. mum. The district attorney
told where Fd ever been and
what I'd ever done daring my whole
life, and&tbe judge predicted where I
would be for the nest ten years.?
Pack.
Appropriate Cake Gifts.
For tbe delinquent creditor?Short
cake.
For the singer?Dot ogb> cake.
For the sailor?Currant oake.
Fer tbe tramp-Sponge cake.
For the drunkard?Drop cake.
For the farmer?Hoe cake.
For tbe cowboy?Plain cake.
For tbe house boilder? Raisin cake.
Hope You're Not One.
"Yes: Migglesby is usually remembered
by his friends and rejatives on
Christmas, but not rery well. You see,
he is a 10 o'clocker."
"A 10 o'cloclier?" asks the interested
listener. "What is that?'
"A 10 o'clocker is somebody you forget
all about until 10 o'clock the night
before Christmas."?Judge's Library.
Oarlotta's Indecision.
I world like mooch to know
Why Carlotta treat me ao.
Evra time i ask eef she
Eeee gon' marry weetha me.
WH91 sne cmim. ucii sue iruwn,
Den she look rae up an' down.
Den she sh&k' her heed an' say*
*1 gon' tal you Chrees'mas day.1*
Orvee Wen we are out for walk
An' 1 am begin to talk
8he say: "Don'ia speak no more.
Oh. com', see dees jew'ler store.
My. Jus' look dat dl'mon* reeng!
Eet ees justa sweetes' theengl
Only seexe-feefty, see?"
Dat's da way she teasa me.
IPindin' theengs for talka 'bout
Jus* for mak' me shut my mout*.
Blmeby w'en she turn for go
1 say. "Com*. 1 musta know"?
"Oh." she stamp her foot an* say,
"I gon' tal you Chrees'mas day!"
1 would like mooch to know
Why Carlotta treat me so.
Wata for she always say.
*1 gon* tal you Chrees'rtai day?*
I ?Catholic Standard and Tlmea. i
A SENSE " OF "HUMOR. "
Oh, Yes, Every Man .Is Absolutely ?or*
tain He Owns It.
A sense of humor is something
which everj man possesses in a superlative
degree. Men will admit
they hare no reverence, they will
ill treat their wives, outdo their
neighbors?will own up, indeed, to
every crime on the calendar, but not
to bein^ devoid of a sense of humor.
And, moreover, the senso of humor
belonging to every man is invariably
"keen." The most stolid.
/
phlegmatic person, who never gets
near enough to the point of a joke
to throw his hat upon it, will toll
you with tears in his eves that he
never would have been able to have
lived through if it hadn*t been for
me reuse ui uuuiur.
The worst offender, however, is
the one who makes a business of
exploiting this unirersally assumed
trait. He takes you aside in a kind
of joyous confidence.
"'I couldn't begin to tell you,* he
declares, "'all the funny things I
see. J don't know why it is"?this
with an air ac if it were a heaven
sent gift which he modestly is in
no sense responsible for?"but anything
funny?real funny?appeals
to ice. If I could only remember to
set them down! But somehow I
never think of it at the time."
He then proceeds to tell you of
an incident that happened to himself?personally,
"iou have heard
the story perhaps txm years back?go
far back, indeed, that you have almost
fopgotien it. But you wouldn't
let yam friend know thai lew the
wsozld.
When Be has finished you laugh
heartily. Long practice has trained
you to laugh upon these occasions
ts if you really meant it, and you
4?n kirw ff>?f if i? <tfvrfnir?lT one of
1UJXA WMW V 4 V At ^ ? -
the beet things you have ever heard.
Henceforth you avoid him. A b?raed
victim dreads the man with a
sens? of humor.
Why is it that a mail, modest in
other respects, who, if he saved another's
life would coneeal it, boldly
and unblushingly talks about his
wonderful sense of humor without
the slightest compunction ?
Next to him comes the ycrnng
girl of the family. Let us call her
dear Mabel.
You've seen Mabel, of course ?
"Do you know." her mother declares,
"that child seee the funny
side of everything! You just ought
to hear her! No matter where she
goes it is always the same! Why,
last night we sat up listening to ber
while she entertained us with what
she saw on the trolley car?just
think of it?and?well, I thought I
should certainly split with laughter.
Mimic! Perfteet! And you ought
to see the poetry she wrote! She'd
be awful mad if she knew I was
showing it. I wanted her to send it
to the papeic, but I couldn't persuade
her. Isn't it perfectly, splendid?
1 supwse she Mlghit^not to
be entouraged too mSmT ? have a
friend who's a writer, and he advised
roe to keep her down. But it
does seem as if talent like that
ought to be put to use. Oh, you
just wait till you hear her! Such a
sense of humor!"
You don't w$it. You love dear
Mahal?at a distance. You sneak
away in the gjoaining. You have
been there before. Henceforth when
Mabel heaves in sight you put your
helm hard a port and wear ship.
It has often been shyly intimated
?by bachelors?that women have
no sense of humor.
Yet think of tBe monumental
joke every woman plays on a man
when she marries him ! ? Success
Magazine. '
Throwing Stones at a Tiger.
fcirmo th*nOTin(* ic not. xcnthniit its
WVU V? WW J v tr MMW
uses in hunting the fiercest of game.
At the first sound the tiger walked
out and up the opposite bank and
fell to a general discharge. As he
lay motionless one of the guns suggested
our walking across to measure
him, but I demurred to measuring
a tiger before I was sure he was
dead and insisted on some one throwing
stones at him first. A large
stone hit the tiger, who got up and
lurched rather than charged in our
direction, with the savage coughing
grunt?you cannot, exactly describe
it as a roar?which a tiger makes
when charging. There was another
general fusillade as he dipped into
the ravine, then a moment of strained
suspense as to whether he would
be up our bank and into the middle
of us. He had had enough, however.?Colonel
A. Do rant in Cornhill.
Didn't Like His Loefes.
A would be author called on Mr.
AA?a/V iY*?
JP ItJIUS UJUt: uaj (it liis uiuw: ixi llh,
old time Boston publishing house
of Ticknor & Fields. Evidently the
young man did not like Mr. Field's
appearance, for thia was the eonver1
8ation that took place: "Is this Mr.
Fields?" "It is, sir." "Mr. James
T. FieMs?" "I am he." "Well,
, then, Fd like to sae Mr. Tfe&rwrF"
- - i? i * ^
He Didn't Atk."
Ho is a small boy who Mas to
Hare the things thai bo ir&xrtsL and
he is diplomatic in getting them.
The other daj ho had gone out to
make a call irith his mamma upon
an old friend.
"INow, dear," said mamma as they
stood on the doorstep, "remember
that you are not to ask for anything."
"Yes, mamma," answered the
small boy.
"I have been busy almost all the
morning making crullers," said the
friend as she entered the room and
- t n 4 1 1 <?
greeted tnem. a ueauuc eiprwbsiuu
spread over the small boy's face.
"I like to hear you talk about
crullers," he said, with a smile of
more than childlike innocence.
"Why, are you fond of them?"
asked the mamma's friend in a
pleased tone.
"Oh, yes, very," said the small
boy, looking if anything still more
innocent.
"I didn't ask for them, mamma,"
he cried in a tone of indignant protest
as the door closed on the cruller
maker, who bad gone to bring in a
sample.
How He Knew.
In an assault and battery case
tried in a Cleveland court the prosecuting
witness testified at length
that the defendant bad knocked him
senseless and had then kicked him
for several minutes.
"If this man's attack rendered
you unconscious," demanded the
magistrate, "how is it that you know
he kicked you when you were
down?"
This question seemed to floor the
witness. Be was lost in reflection
lor some moments; then, brighten
ing, be replied:
"I know it, yorar honor, because
tfestfs what I would have done to
him if Pd got him down."?Ciiele
Magazine.
It doesn't go much good to play
truant from the school of experience.
It it much better to take things
easy than to be taken for an easy thing.
ATTENTION, FARMERS
I am offering the following farms in
Lexington county for sale, these farms
may ne had for cash or on easy terms.
Consult me for particulars.
250; acres, the Luther Wessinger place
8J miles s w from Chapin (Dutch Pork)
5 room dwelling, barn, 2 tenant houses,
well and springs, fine combination
farm, 50 acres in pasture.
65 acres same tract with or without
four room house.
100 acres two miles from Brookland
on Southern railway, fine for fruit and
trucking 3 miles from city.
300 acres on Congaree creek, 7 miles
fromi Columbia, on public road, 100
acres cleared, 120 acres wired for pasture,
new 7 room dwelling, barn, stables,
etc.
24 acres, 3 miles from Columbia, adjoining
Brookland annex. Suited for
subdivision or trucking.
9 room residence, large lot, also four
room cottage in Brookland. Convenient
to church and school.
?n ohkw fine Inner laaf nine timber.
I abort* 40 acres unbled, f miles from
Southern railroad.
Several lots and small tracts in and
around Brookland.
i List your property with me. I sell
lots and homes. Farms for sale and
rent.
C.M. Dempsey,
"The Land Man"
1217 Washington St. Columbia, S.C.
LAND BOUGHT, SOLD AND EXCHANGED
ON COMMISSION*
MULE
On a oar loa
already arrived
Our quick se
We have s<
Horses.
WAGONSmost
complete ]
makes as Mitche
hold the trade.
"OUR GUAR
IV
1113-1115 Hampton Aver
I FOR CHRIS'
1 WE
| Fancy Vests,
I Ties, Handkerchief:
I Matched Sets, Necl
Suspenders in Kol
Coats, Umbrellas.
In addition o
complete
Men and Boys' !
ercoats, Ra
Shoes, I
anc
The best mal
| prices
E. G. ORE
ma MEN'S AND BO
LEXINC1
Sterling Goods
Sterling silver, cut glass, fine
china, clocks. A fine stocfc
always on hand for you tc
select from.
Keep us in mmd when wanting
anything in Je*>elry oj
Silverware.
kood wateh work and best
eye glasses.
If you can't come, send foi
our catalogue or telephone your
order to us.
P. H. LACI1IC0TTE & CO.,
JEWELERS,
1424 MainSStJColumbia, S. C1
rii nfii
TIKJIW 909 t.
??????ip???^
Notice, Trespassers.
Thisfis to notify all persons not to
tree pass on the lands of the undersigned
by either hunting, fishing, or
in any manner whatever. The law
will be rigidly enforced against all
violators of this notice.
4w8p. J. J. LOWN.
TRESPASS NOTICE.
This is to notify all persons not to
hunt, day or night, or trespass in any
manner whatever upon the lands of
the undersigned, as the law will certainly
be enforced against all trespassers.
Murphy Hufcto,
Charles Hatto, B. C. Hufcto,
Jerrod P. La ess, Mrs Mary M I Lncas.
4w9p
Sand HC
id arrived last v
this week,
dling plan is draw
3veral nice Mare;
Undoubtedly we I:
line of Wagons i
ill, Old Hickory, a
ANTEE MEANS I
fc, M7 m
jry 111 ^
lule C
itie
rMAS TRADE
OFFER
Fancy Half Hcse |
5 and Half Hose in |
kiies in Holiday Boxes,
liday Boxes, Sweater
?
ur regular line is |
Suits and Ov- ?
incoats, Pants, |
iats, Underwear 1
1 AlI^Furnishings. |
its at the lowest ?
HER & CO.
>YS' OUTFITTERS I i
row, s. u. \
;
SOUTHERN RAIL WAY
I
SCHEDULE EFFECTIVE JUNE 20.
N. B. Theee schedule figures show
the time tliat trains may be expected to
? arrive and depart, but the times stated
are not guaranteed.
: DEPARTURES FROM LEXINGTON.
) NORTHBOUND.
10:18 A. M.?No. 8, daily for Columbia
and intermediate points connectiug
at Columbia for Spartanburg and
Asherille. Parlor cafe oar Columbia
to Asheville. Arrive Columbia
10:50 a. m., Spartanburg 5:15
p. m., Asheville 9:15 p. m.
; 6:55 P. M.?No. 130, daily for Columbia,
Washington and the East also
connects at Columbia for Asheville.
Through Pullman sleeping
car to New York. Pullman sleeping
oar Columbia to Asheville. Arrive
Columbia 7:30 p. ra., Washington
10:40 a. m., New York
5:00 p. m.
SOUTHBOUND.
7:28 A. M.?No. 129, daily for Augusta
and intermediate points. Arrive
Augusta 10:10 a. in. Pullman car.
. 5:44 P. M.?No. 7, daily for Augusta
and intermediate points. Arrive ?
Augusta 8:35 p. m.
Summer excursion tickets now on
sale. For further information call on
ticket agents, or
0. H. Ackert, V. P. & GK M., "Washington,
D. C. H. F. Cary, G. P. A.,
Washington, D. 0. J. L. Meek, A. G.
P. A., Atlanta?Ga. W. E. McGee, T.
P. A., Augusta, Ga.
7ASH LOANS
At 7 and 8 per cent
Loans made on improved farms in
Richland and Lexington oeunties in
sums ot $300 and upwards, payable in
installments, no commissions are charged,
borrower paying for preparation of
papers only. Loans of $1,000 or over
at seven per cent., under $1,000 at eight
per cent. THOMAS & THOMAS, '
I 1237 Washington St., Columbia, S. 0.
)RSES
reek and another
M
ing the business.
3 and well broken
lave the best and .
n the South, such .
,nd Hackney will
SOMETHING" <
4
o.
- Columbia, St C
i