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?tt^nilllimilillll l lll niinm | Pilgrim Joe Has a Rough Time of It He Strikes the Town of Get-AwayQuick and Is Injured to the Extent of $6Q, K'"Y ??? {Copyright, 190G, by McClure, Phillips & Co.] A S I abided in the town of Last /\ Chance for a few days while 2 suffering tne affliction or a carbuncle on my neck I received & letter from the mayor of the town of Get-Away-Quick asking me to come over there as soon as able and show my show of moving pictures and bring along a large stock of the Pilgrim Pain 'Alleviator. The aforesaid alleviator has now been before the public for many years, and its certain and marvelous virtues are known to all, but I cannot let this opportunity pass without saying that? It is a remedy for despondency. Two doses cure the earache. It acts like magic on disappointed lore. One bottle will assuage the deepest sorrow. If your wife has eloped the alleviator v .will make you glad of it It cures ingrowing toe nails and palpitation of the heart. Thousands of people who were standing on the verge of the grave have been \ \ \. \ |v V_^J TfiE MAYOR CAMS FORWARD TO SHAKE HANDS WITH ME. yanked back and come to weigh 200 pounds by Investing in a single bottle. Whenever and wherever you find a druggist selling my alleviator you need ask no further references. He is respectable and honest and can be trusted with the Fourth of July contributions. The carbuncle having busted and a song of Joy come back to my heart. I set out for the town mentioned and after a long day's drive I reached the same. On the way, and without any seeming cause for It, the song was hnchod An mv lirvc mxr inrniifi srtnl ! clouded over, and I found myself taking a despondent view of life. I wrestled with the feeling for a time and finally succeeded in throwing it off, but later on I came to understand that it was a warning that I would have done weil to heed. I had skeerce entered the town of Get-Away-Quick when I was struck by a certain air of general levity and recklessness. The mayor came forward to shake hands with me, and while doing so he whispered in my ear: "Old cock, I've got it all fixed for you and me to be pards in a game of poker and clean up the town." X replied that I never indulged in poker except when I felt that the heathen of Africa were short of small change, and the mayor seemed to freeze up on me. He had skeercely left me when an alderman suggested that I go In with him on a horse race and scoop the town. I gave him a discouraging reply, and he left me with a threat on his lips. Then a third citizen approached me. He was a deputy sheriff, and he wanted me to ring in a tooth paste with my alleviator and beat the public and whack up with him. When I referred him to my spotless reputation for honesty he shook his fist under my nose and said I was an old hypocrite and a fraud. The landlord of the tavern inquired if I had brought along any loaded dice, and when I replied that I ! never dealt in such things he also called me names and hinted that I was a cuss j who needed taking down a peg or two. j As the shades of evening gathered over the rooftrees and tumbled down into the streets I went forth from the tavern and set up my stand in the public square and announced the virtues of my Pilgrim Pain Alleviator. There wasn't a man in the crowd who could say that I was not honest and sincere, and I stood ready to produce any number of certificates, but it was no use. I never struck a town where they needed the alleviator worse, but not a bottle would they buy. Among other things, I assured them? That if a man hadn't been left hanging too long the alleviator would restore him to life. That heart disease gave way before it and consumption took to flight as soon as it saw the yaller label. That there never was a divorce in a family using it. That it had five times the enthusiasm of brandy at one-fifth the cost. That a whole barrel of whisky didn't contain the warwhoops of a single bottle. But talk was useless, and when I found it so I asked the crowd to follow me to the hall where I was to ex OlDli my moving pictures, isesirmg w K-. ' ffib. let them understand that I was not in ! the business for gain and thereby re- | buke them, I announced that the show ! would be free to all, including cross j eyed men. This put some life into j them, and they tagged on behind. 1 j opened the show by exhibiting a pic- \ ture of the beef trust raising the price of liver 400 per cent. Wherever else this picture has been exhibited it has been greeted with dismal groans as showing the feelings of the masses, but in this instance a man stood up and swung his hat and shouted: "Hurrah for the beef trust! Long may it wave! Let's have another 400 per cent raise!" He was cheered for five minutes, during which time several products of the vegetable kingdom were thrown my way. I then followed with a picture of Washington crossing the Delaware. When this spirited picture was exhibited ill the town of Come Off over 100 free American citizens sprang to their feet and cheered until five lengths of stovepipe fell clattering to the floor. During the excitement that followed some one picked my pocket of $7, but I did not lay it up against him. I long ago discovered that when an American citizen's patriotism is appealed to he'll do most anything to show his desire to die for his country. In this instance the picture did not receive one single cheer, though I kept it in front of the audience for five minutes. When my looks expressed the astonishment I felt the mayor got up and said: "Move him along. G. Wash, is a back number. Give us something up to date." I did. I gave them the picture of the congressman found guilty on two trials of stealing government land not a hundred miles from their town and was about to deliver a brief lecture on the enormity of his offense when the crowd rose up and began to cheer and hurrah. They said the congressman was a bully boy with a glass eye and that they would sign a petition for his pardon. I choked off my remarks and exhibited a picture of an orphan girl starving on the streets of New York. Not one sympathetic sigh did I hear from the audience. I showed the same girl dead on the sidewalk, and several persons broke into laughter. I showed her entering the gates of heaven after her trials here on earth, and the mayor rose up and said: "This 'ere show seems to be a good deal of a fraud, and if it don't imS prove I shall treat it as a fraud." I then exhibited a picture of a trust buying up all the butter, eggs and vegetables in the country and holding them for a raise, while workingmen and their wives and children were eating burdocks to keep life in them. Wherever that picture has been exhibited it has been received with the wildest enthusiasm, and in two cases men have gone out of the halls with shotguns to pepper members of the trust, and here it was a dead failure. Nobody cheered and nobody groaned. After a painful period of silence a red' headed man arose and said he had a duty to perform. It was a duty he owed to himself, to his town and to the country at large. While I was wondering what he was getting at he came over and hit me a swat on the jaw that rendered me unconscious. When I recovered I was being escorted out of town by a band of hilarious citizens, and before turning back they made it plain that if I ever entered the town of Get-Away-Quick again I might lose my valuable life. Upon casting up the damages I found they had injured me to the extent of $60, to say nothing of the humiliation to my feelings. I was cast down for an hour or two, but finally charged it up to profit and loss, and the songs of gladness came back to my soul again. A pilgrim is one of the fellers you can't keep on the grass long. M. QUAD. Tom's Advantage. Tom Catt?What! Going to blame that broken jam jar on me too? I don't think that is fair. Bobby?Well, you see, you have nine lives, and I only have one. You can i stand the most knocks. Pessimistic. I 'Taw, can an honest man play poker?" "Yes, Tommy, but he can't win anything."?Chicago News. Tiie "Woman of It. Burglar's Wife (trying on bracelet)? It's too small, BiiJ. Now, wouldn't that jar yer? After all yer trouble ye'll have to take it back and exchange itBrowning's Magazine. Life's Recompense. Life may be dour and glum and sad, Its days filled with misgivings. But evenings?oh, the evening's glad And evening's life's worth living! At evening 'neath the setting sun, However dour the day may be. Tour gummy grin fills life with fun, My wee, baldheaded baby. Tour little hands reach up to me And brush away all ruing, Till I'm as glad as 1 can be And mock you "Goo-ah-gooing!" And I talk baby talk to you And toss and catch you maybe, And life is full of love and you, My wee, baldheaded baby. ?Houston Post. A Song of Schooldays. LUV stitch U2 hurs wil neavur neavur di Shce neavur maid a doaut ur a pi butt shee kann lurn anri wott shoe duzent no wil bee awlrite becaws I luv hur so. wott iff we hafftoo liv on kanned baikd beens and botten jinjer cookeys and sardcens ml hart wil feest uppon mi luv arm wenn Mi apetight ^etts down too wurk agen shee wil hav lurnd too cook ann awl be wel Ann brite ann happie uz a marridge bel. O mitey luv bi wich too soles are ledd too happieness wile eten baykers bredd a V% ..am V\ rvor-f V\ o Iro ?11111 uy cu iuian;uuui um ucooc \.ii<xy ^anii Too fil thare hoam onn thee instaJmunt plann. wott diffruns Iff thee cooken stoav doant draw u onley hafftoo ast ure mothernlaw too kum ann help u ann shee kums ann bringgs sum hoammaid bredd ann pize ann uther thinggs Ann fires thee hlrd gurl ann sez sheel stay until u reely want hur to go way. thenn wile hur muthers getten thinggs too ete sheel sitt inn thee frunt parler looken swete Ann dooen fansy wurk ann awl day long weel sitt like burds ann burst owt intoo song. shee sez sheze not afrade uv beeln poor iff shee has lotts uv cloze, ann sheel endoor wott ever forchun bringgs iff i doant look fore hur too doo thee howswurk ann too cook. How cood i help butt luven hur wenn shee is reddy to lay down hur life fore mee! ?J. W. Foley in Life. Net Profit. "Good paorning, Speckleboy. How is business ?" "Oh, it's all loss; no profit nowadays. Why, only yesterday wifey's mother got tangled up in a net." "Well, that's net profit, isn't it?" Affluence. There is great excitement in Lone Tree Gulch. One Eyed Ike has turned up a dozen huge nuggets of solid gold. "Why," says Toothless Tutt, "any one of these things is worth $10,000. Ike, you've struck it at last What are ye goin' to do with all your money?" "I'm goin' to buy a thousand alarm clocks," replied One Eyed Ike. "What for?" "An' I'm goin' to set 'em all for 6 o'clock in the mornin', an' when they ? * ?T>?PW? 4Ai><4- r\TTA*? wane Lue up x m jest w iuiu v*ci in bed an' shoot the everlastin' daylights out o' them."?Chicago Tribune. A Plena tint Wlah. "Boss," said the office boy who had lost six grandmothers and four uncles during the baseball season, "I'd like to go to a funeral this afternoon." "Perhaps," said the boss, "but you won't." "I s'pose not. But I'd like to all the same." "You won't go to any more funerals the rest of this year. D'ye hear? Whose funeral is it, anyhow?" "Yours," said the office boy and hastily got out.?Lippincott's Magazine. She Wa*. The sweet girl graduate was reading her essay. The1 fond mother, sitting near the frout row, was gazing at her with rapture. "You ought to be proud of her, Mrs. Highmus," whispered the admiring fnioTi/1 ci+tirtor iIrmr"<idr> "Indeed I am." answered the mother. "It cost .$73 and fits lier like a glove!" ?Chicago Tribune. Mature Assists. We were allowed to peep into the future and see the people of the earth in 1910. "But why are their arms upraised?" we inquired. "Oh, that is the way they grew. Many years ago their ancestors used to hang on to the straps in street cars."? Detroit Tribune. Not Altogether Hopele**. 8 An. Grace?1 actually naa rnrce men m my feet last week. Edith?Oh, well, don't get discouraged. Perhaps you may yet find a chiropodist who will be able to afford you relief. gagocgawBMQaatiiaggmjganagiaB wbm& t ^ bcmc - acai auarai ?a ? /? ^ s i; /I * I i a Asfe) ^ p /T* $*& ^ h | L/lj/6/ 5 I Sometimes the hair is not | I properly nourished. It suffers for food, starves. Then it falls out, turns prematurely gray. Ayer's Hair Vigor is a Hair Vigorj hair food. It feeds, nourishes, j The hair stops falling, grows long and heavy, and all dandruff disappears. " Mv lialr was eomlne out terriblv. T was S almost afraid to comb it. Hut Ayer's iiair Vigor promptly stopped the falling.and also restored the natural color." Mas. ?. G. K. Want), Landing. N.J. 91.00 a bottle. j. c. aver 00.. MMMHSMMMBMM jFoi* ^ Poor Hair Bmn?nHWWfWMBBnBKglL'ffiTyl* The ignorance of many people is underestimated. A rain of fishes fell at Aberdeen, S. D., and a number were caught alive. T. X. L. cures cold in the head. Some men never know when they get enough until they have gotten too much. Japan is growing cotton in Korea, and estimates the crop this yea:* will be worth $40,000,000. There are about five opportunities for doing good to one for speaking evil of neighbors and doing mean things. Speaker Mendel L. Smith, of Camden, has decided not to enter the JL jlkji guYtxuvi# Eat one of Ring's Dyspepsia Tablets after each meal and yon will not suffer with indigestion. Sold by Kanfmann Drug Co. William Waters, colored, was hanged at Fernandina, Fla., on June 5th, for murder of four other negroes. During a thunder storm on Sunday afternoon lightning killed three cows belonging to B. Bailey, four miles east of Laurens. For bloating, belching, sour stomach, bad breath, malassimilation of food, and all symptoms of indigestion, Ring's Dyspepsia Tablets are a prompt and efficient corrective. Sold by Kaufmann Drug Co. TlfViAvi 4-La A otirolroa YY I1U11 UHC d V 'Ql XX111I./1 ivan oi TV aAvo in heaven he will be disappointed unless he finds an alarm clock and a cup of coffee. Scott Town, a villiage of 200 people 20 miles north of Ironton, Ohio, was completely washed away by high water on June 5th. The inhabitants, except Mrs. Sayres and her daughter, escaped drowning. T. X. L. cures rheumatism. Robert Hussey was fined $15 last week by the mayor of Sumter for cruelly beating his 15-year old wife. He pleaded that wiskey had dethroned his reason and that he did not know what he was doing. If your stomach troubles you do not conclude that there is no cure, for a great many have been permanently cured by Chamberlain's Stomach and Liver Tablets. Try them, they are certain to prove beneficial. They only cost a quarter. Sold by Kaufmami Drug Co. The jury at Abbeville cnargea witn the trial of J. R.'Moore, Josh Moore, Sam Bigby and Hugh Bowen, accused of lynching Allen Pendleton, colored, last September, brought in a verdict of "not guilty" on June 5th, after being out 37 minutes. State of Ohio. City of Toledo, i Lucas County \ ' Frank J Cheney makes oath th-u he is senior partner of the firm of F. J. Cheney & Co.. doing business in the city of Toledo, Countv and State aforesaid, and that said firm will pay the sum of ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS for each and every case of Catarrh that cannot be cured by the use of Hall's Catarrh Cure. FRANK -T. r REN FA'. Sworn to before me and subscribed in my presence, this 6th d?y ot December, A. D., 1886. AHall's Catarrh Cure is taken internally, and acts directly on the blood and mucous surfaces of the system. Send lor testi moniate free. F. J. UHJtSNFl & tu., ?o:eao, v. Sold bv all dmggists, 75c. Take Hall's Family Fills for constipation Easy. Housewife?How can you tell when your iron is too hot? Laundress ? Sure, I c'u smell th' clothes a-scorchin', an' they git all brown.?Cleveland Leader. Limericks Two. A singer was Signor McSnitch. He sat on a board?here's the hitch: He sat on a knot? (You know what he got) r>r\t ctrnnb tVio niirh_M BO-iU AAV, A ?V i*V V w*,* A lady in old Injianny Once started to learn the pianny. A man in the flat Said: "Heavings, what's that? That pianny is awfully tinpanny!" ?Milwaukee Sentinel. Foleyskidneycure itkis Kidney* and Bladder Right aJFj,aau j m* .<vw?i* w< ?r.. n -t- u *. vimar i^n^Tinu T.-r-inmt.iry. TseaS > AIR LIxNE INOlmf-SOUT] Two Daily Pullman Vestib SOUTH AND First Class Dining Car Service. Eastern cities via Richmond and steamers to Atlanta, Nashville, Me: New Orleans and all points South and Jacksonville and all points in r? V> AT?f net 11 n ^ J f V\ InJLLUA ICill 1111C 11 UI tU aiiU UUUIH. fjG For detailed information, r? &c.. apply to any agent of the Sea BURROUGHS, Traveling Passen^ CHARLES F. STEWART, Assi SAVANT WHOLESALE 1603 main stree' wash goods! Colored organdies in all the latest figures 12?c. quality 10c. 100 pieces Scotch Lawn 4c. We have a special value in large figured Lawn?Ask see them.. 6|c. 27-inch Brown Linen 10c. Light Merrimack prints 5c. Dress gingham oc. white goodsT 40-inch Lawn 10c. 32-inch Lawn, special value oc. 27-inch Organdie 10c. 72-inch Organdie 25c. 27-inch White Linen 15c. 36-inch White Linen 25c. dress goods and silks. We are receiving new goods in this department daily? 50-inch Mohair, all colors 48c. 36-inch Brillantine blue and black.. 25c. 27-inch China Silk, all colors 48c. 18-inch White Jap Silk 25c. We have some very good barg wilL be pleased to have our shown through our stock. I fFi. _ n .i ii. Ii ne raimeuo COI/UMB United States Government, Stai Capital paid in Surplus profits Liability of Stockholders Security for depositors Interest allowed in Savings Depar Payable ?, United States bonds South Carolina bonds OFFI< Wilie Jones, President. J. J. Seibels, First Vice-Pres. Thos. Taylor, Second Vice-Pres. This is the people's bank?"of th people." (Loans to small merchants ana sm; ones. We want jour business, Bj 8 o'clock p. m. for accommodation < Before You Purchase Any Other Write THE NEW HOME SEWiMG MACHINE COMPANY ORANGE, MASS. Many Sewing Machines are made to sell regardless of quality, but the 4* 3iow Jiorae" is made J ?o wear. Cur guaranty never runs out. We make Sewing Machines to suit aii conditions of the trade. The ".\ow Home" stands at the head of ail Higti-uradc family sewing machines Sold by authorized dealers only. FOR SALE BY W. I*. HOOF, L xin^ton. H 0 HILTON'S ! I Life for the Liver & Kidneys, j | THE BEST PREPARATION KNOWN j FOR THE CURE OF j Dyspasia, Liver Complaint and Disorders of the Kidneys i IT IS PLEASANT TO TAKE. | It excites a pleasing sense or warmxn in the stomach, diffusing itself throogh the system. It augments the appetite, improves digestion, wards off malarial and thus prevents chills and fever, and is a perfect regulator to the whole system. 25., 50c, and SI.00 bottles. For sale at the Bazaar. Wholesale by the Murray Drug Co., Columbia, ly?July 6, 05, tf. ?ARB 1 RAILWAY 'I fT 7? .4 orn TT7T?om I g-ULAQX- YVJCiOX.l ule Limited Trains Between ? I%KW YORK. The best rates and route to a* Washington, or via Norfolk and mphis, Louisville, St. Louis, Chicago, J and Southwest to Savannah and 1 Florida and Cuba. Positively the * ites, schedules, Pullman reservations* board Air Line Railway or to W. L rer Agent, Columbia, S. C. I * stant General Passenger Agent 1 T, COLUMBIA, S. C. I MTT.T.TWT.PV' MTT T TWrTJV T Miss Eleanor Clan- will be in charge of our Millinery Department again this season, this being our first season in SPRING MILLINERY % you will find everything new and up} to-date in this department. Call and see ^ I us before purchaseing a hat. SPECIALS. Art Squares $3.98 Rugs 27x63, special 98c. , 1000 yards Embroidery 5c. 1000 yards Embroidery, special. ... 10c. Corset cover, Embroidery 20 and 25c. Gilt Belts 25 and 50c. Leather Belts 25 and 50c. Mennens Talcum Powder 15c. jains in all departments and we Lexington friends call and be National Bank, I :ia, s. c. ? te, City and County Depository. W $250,000 00 a 12,500 00 m 250,000 00 $515,500 00 a tment at 4 per cent, per Annum, M Quarterly. $100,000 00 m 82,000 00 :^rs. I J. P. Matthews, Cashier. M < W. M. Gibbes, Jr., Ass't. Cashier. M Weston & Aycock, Attorneys. e people, for the people and by the ? all farmers as much desired as large M ink opens every Saturday from 6 to H of wage earners. M i J. H. Eleazer i : ! < Will Save you Money in his > ] " [ ! Haberdashery ; ! DEPARTMENT. [ | The Best and Latest Furnishings > 4 mm nlwn.vs h?> fnnml hprp in I ? | Shirts, Collars, Cuffs, Gloves ! ! UNDERWEAR. [ * ! > ! WHITE AND FANCY VESTS. ! < ?jff~Qur Spring Line of"^| [ ! SOFT and STIFF HATS \ ! > ] are here, comprising Knox, Stet- > < son and other makes. Prices, \ J $1.00 to $5.00 > ( All the New Blocks in \ STRAW HATS, j I 5 At all prices. > i SUITS MADE TO ORDER. FIT j ^ 4 GUARANTEED. > 11514 Main St.,Columbia,S.C. [ j ivr craps ~ - W?W , Dealer in all kinds of Furniture, Tuilet Sets, COFFINS AND CASKETS. | RUGS, MATTRESSES, BLANKETS COMFORTS, BED SPREADS, CLOCKS, WATCHES. JEWELRY. FTC. LEXINGTON, - - S. C. August 23, 1905. ly. T. X. L. relieves when properly ap- a plied. *