The Lexington dispatch. [volume] (Lexington, South Carolina) 1870-1917, June 13, 1906, Page 6, Image 6
?tt^nilllimilillll l lll niinm
| Pilgrim Joe Has a
Rough Time of It
He Strikes the Town of Get-AwayQuick
and Is Injured to the
Extent of $6Q,
K'"Y ???
{Copyright, 190G, by McClure, Phillips & Co.]
A S I abided in the town of Last
/\ Chance for a few days while
2 suffering tne affliction or a carbuncle
on my neck I received
& letter from the mayor of the town of
Get-Away-Quick asking me to come
over there as soon as able and show my
show of moving pictures and bring
along a large stock of the Pilgrim Pain
'Alleviator. The aforesaid alleviator has
now been before the public for many
years, and its certain and marvelous
virtues are known to all, but I cannot
let this opportunity pass without saying
that?
It is a remedy for despondency.
Two doses cure the earache.
It acts like magic on disappointed
lore.
One bottle will assuage the deepest
sorrow.
If your wife has eloped the alleviator
v .will make you glad of it
It cures ingrowing toe nails and palpitation
of the heart.
Thousands of people who were standing
on the verge of the grave have been
\ \
\. \
|v V_^J
TfiE MAYOR CAMS FORWARD TO SHAKE
HANDS WITH ME.
yanked back and come to weigh 200
pounds by Investing in a single bottle.
Whenever and wherever you find a
druggist selling my alleviator you need
ask no further references. He is respectable
and honest and can be trusted
with the Fourth of July contributions.
The carbuncle having busted and a
song of Joy come back to my heart. I
set out for the town mentioned and
after a long day's drive I reached the
same. On the way, and without any
seeming cause for It, the song was
hnchod An mv lirvc mxr inrniifi srtnl
! clouded over, and I found myself taking
a despondent view of life. I wrestled
with the feeling for a time and
finally succeeded in throwing it off, but
later on I came to understand that it
was a warning that I would have done
weil to heed. I had skeerce entered the
town of Get-Away-Quick when I was
struck by a certain air of general levity
and recklessness. The mayor came
forward to shake hands with me, and
while doing so he whispered in my ear:
"Old cock, I've got it all fixed for
you and me to be pards in a game of
poker and clean up the town."
X replied that I never indulged in
poker except when I felt that the heathen
of Africa were short of small
change, and the mayor seemed to freeze
up on me. He had skeercely left me
when an alderman suggested that I go
In with him on a horse race and scoop
the town. I gave him a discouraging
reply, and he left me with a threat on
his lips. Then a third citizen approached
me. He was a deputy sheriff, and
he wanted me to ring in a tooth paste
with my alleviator and beat the public
and whack up with him. When I referred
him to my spotless reputation
for honesty he shook his fist under my
nose and said I was an old hypocrite
and a fraud. The landlord of the tavern
inquired if I had brought along any
loaded dice, and when I replied that I !
never dealt in such things he also called
me names and hinted that I was a cuss j
who needed taking down a peg or two. j
As the shades of evening gathered
over the rooftrees and tumbled down
into the streets I went forth from the
tavern and set up my stand in the public
square and announced the virtues
of my Pilgrim Pain Alleviator. There
wasn't a man in the crowd who could
say that I was not honest and sincere,
and I stood ready to produce any number
of certificates, but it was no use.
I never struck a town where they needed
the alleviator worse, but not a bottle
would they buy. Among other
things, I assured them?
That if a man hadn't been left hanging
too long the alleviator would restore
him to life.
That heart disease gave way before it
and consumption took to flight as soon
as it saw the yaller label.
That there never was a divorce in a
family using it.
That it had five times the enthusiasm
of brandy at one-fifth the cost.
That a whole barrel of whisky didn't
contain the warwhoops of a single bottle.
But talk was useless, and when I
found it so I asked the crowd to follow
me to the hall where I was to ex
OlDli my moving pictures, isesirmg w
K-. '
ffib.
let them understand that I was not in !
the business for gain and thereby re- |
buke them, I announced that the show !
would be free to all, including cross j
eyed men. This put some life into j
them, and they tagged on behind. 1 j
opened the show by exhibiting a pic- \
ture of the beef trust raising the price
of liver 400 per cent. Wherever else
this picture has been exhibited it has
been greeted with dismal groans as
showing the feelings of the masses, but
in this instance a man stood up and
swung his hat and shouted:
"Hurrah for the beef trust! Long
may it wave! Let's have another 400
per cent raise!"
He was cheered for five minutes, during
which time several products of the
vegetable kingdom were thrown my
way. I then followed with a picture of
Washington crossing the Delaware.
When this spirited picture was exhibited
ill the town of Come Off over 100
free American citizens sprang to their
feet and cheered until five lengths of
stovepipe fell clattering to the floor.
During the excitement that followed
some one picked my pocket of $7, but
I did not lay it up against him. I long
ago discovered that when an American
citizen's patriotism is appealed to he'll
do most anything to show his desire to
die for his country.
In this instance the picture did not
receive one single cheer, though I kept
it in front of the audience for five minutes.
When my looks expressed the astonishment
I felt the mayor got up and
said:
"Move him along. G. Wash, is a
back number. Give us something up to
date."
I did. I gave them the picture of the
congressman found guilty on two trials
of stealing government land not a
hundred miles from their town and
was about to deliver a brief lecture on
the enormity of his offense when the
crowd rose up and began to cheer and
hurrah. They said the congressman
was a bully boy with a glass eye and
that they would sign a petition for his
pardon. I choked off my remarks and
exhibited a picture of an orphan girl
starving on the streets of New York.
Not one sympathetic sigh did I hear
from the audience. I showed the same
girl dead on the sidewalk, and several
persons broke into laughter. I showed
her entering the gates of heaven after
her trials here on earth, and the mayor
rose up and said:
"This 'ere show seems to be a good
deal of a fraud, and if it don't imS
prove I shall treat it as a fraud."
I then exhibited a picture of a trust
buying up all the butter, eggs and
vegetables in the country and holding
them for a raise, while workingmen
and their wives and children were eating
burdocks to keep life in them.
Wherever that picture has been exhibited
it has been received with the
wildest enthusiasm, and in two cases
men have gone out of the halls with
shotguns to pepper members of the
trust, and here it was a dead failure.
Nobody cheered and nobody groaned.
After a painful period of silence a red'
headed man arose and said he had a
duty to perform. It was a duty he
owed to himself, to his town and to the
country at large.
While I was wondering what he was
getting at he came over and hit me a
swat on the jaw that rendered me unconscious.
When I recovered I was being
escorted out of town by a band of
hilarious citizens, and before turning
back they made it plain that if I ever
entered the town of Get-Away-Quick
again I might lose my valuable life.
Upon casting up the damages I found
they had injured me to the extent of
$60, to say nothing of the humiliation
to my feelings. I was cast down for
an hour or two, but finally charged it
up to profit and loss, and the songs of
gladness came back to my soul again.
A pilgrim is one of the fellers you can't
keep on the grass long. M. QUAD.
Tom's Advantage.
Tom Catt?What! Going to blame
that broken jam jar on me too? I
don't think that is fair.
Bobby?Well, you see, you have nine
lives, and I only have one. You can i
stand the most knocks.
Pessimistic.
I
'Taw, can an honest man play poker?"
"Yes, Tommy, but he can't win anything."?Chicago
News.
Tiie "Woman of It.
Burglar's Wife (trying on bracelet)?
It's too small, BiiJ. Now, wouldn't that
jar yer? After all yer trouble ye'll
have to take it back and exchange itBrowning's
Magazine.
Life's Recompense.
Life may be dour and glum and sad,
Its days filled with misgivings.
But evenings?oh, the evening's glad
And evening's life's worth living!
At evening 'neath the setting sun,
However dour the day may be.
Tour gummy grin fills life with fun,
My wee, baldheaded baby.
Tour little hands reach up to me
And brush away all ruing,
Till I'm as glad as 1 can be
And mock you "Goo-ah-gooing!"
And I talk baby talk to you
And toss and catch you maybe,
And life is full of love and you,
My wee, baldheaded baby.
?Houston Post.
A Song of Schooldays.
LUV stitch U2 hurs wil neavur neavur
di
Shce neavur maid a doaut ur a pi
butt shee kann lurn anri wott shoe
duzent no
wil bee awlrite becaws I luv hur so.
wott iff we hafftoo liv on kanned baikd
beens
and botten jinjer cookeys and sardcens
ml hart wil feest uppon mi luv arm wenn
Mi apetight ^etts down too wurk agen
shee wil hav lurnd too cook ann awl be
wel
Ann brite ann happie uz a marridge bel.
O mitey luv bi wich too soles are ledd
too happieness wile eten baykers bredd
a V% ..am V\ rvor-f V\ o Iro
?11111 uy cu iuian;uuui um ucooc \.ii<xy ^anii
Too fil thare hoam onn thee instaJmunt
plann.
wott diffruns Iff thee cooken stoav doant
draw
u onley hafftoo ast ure mothernlaw
too kum ann help u ann shee kums ann
bringgs
sum hoammaid bredd ann pize ann uther
thinggs
Ann fires thee hlrd gurl ann sez sheel
stay
until u reely want hur to go way.
thenn wile hur muthers getten thinggs
too ete
sheel sitt inn thee frunt parler looken
swete
Ann dooen fansy wurk ann awl day long
weel sitt like burds ann burst owt intoo
song.
shee sez sheze not afrade uv beeln poor
iff shee has lotts uv cloze, ann sheel endoor
wott ever forchun bringgs iff i doant look
fore hur too doo thee howswurk ann too
cook.
How cood i help butt luven hur wenn shee
is reddy to lay down hur life fore mee!
?J. W. Foley in Life.
Net Profit.
"Good paorning, Speckleboy. How is
business ?"
"Oh, it's all loss; no profit nowadays.
Why, only yesterday wifey's mother
got tangled up in a net."
"Well, that's net profit, isn't it?"
Affluence.
There is great excitement in Lone
Tree Gulch.
One Eyed Ike has turned up a dozen
huge nuggets of solid gold.
"Why," says Toothless Tutt, "any
one of these things is worth $10,000.
Ike, you've struck it at last What are
ye goin' to do with all your money?"
"I'm goin' to buy a thousand alarm
clocks," replied One Eyed Ike.
"What for?"
"An' I'm goin' to set 'em all for 6
o'clock in the mornin', an' when they
? * ?T>?PW? 4Ai><4- r\TTA*?
wane Lue up x m jest w iuiu v*ci
in bed an' shoot the everlastin' daylights
out o' them."?Chicago Tribune.
A Plena tint Wlah.
"Boss," said the office boy who had
lost six grandmothers and four uncles
during the baseball season, "I'd like to
go to a funeral this afternoon."
"Perhaps," said the boss, "but you
won't."
"I s'pose not. But I'd like to all the
same."
"You won't go to any more funerals
the rest of this year. D'ye hear? Whose
funeral is it, anyhow?"
"Yours," said the office boy and hastily
got out.?Lippincott's Magazine.
She Wa*.
The sweet girl graduate was reading
her essay.
The1 fond mother, sitting near the
frout row, was gazing at her with rapture.
"You ought to be proud of her, Mrs.
Highmus," whispered the admiring
fnioTi/1 ci+tirtor iIrmr"<idr>
"Indeed I am." answered the mother.
"It cost .$73 and fits lier like a glove!"
?Chicago Tribune.
Mature Assists.
We were allowed to peep into the future
and see the people of the earth in
1910.
"But why are their arms upraised?"
we inquired.
"Oh, that is the way they grew.
Many years ago their ancestors used to
hang on to the straps in street cars."?
Detroit Tribune.
Not Altogether Hopele**.
8 An.
Grace?1 actually naa rnrce men m
my feet last week.
Edith?Oh, well, don't get discouraged.
Perhaps you may yet find a chiropodist
who will be able to afford you
relief.
gagocgawBMQaatiiaggmjganagiaB wbm& t ^ bcmc - acai auarai ?a ?
/? ^ s
i; /I * I
i a Asfe) ^ p /T* $*& ^ h
| L/lj/6/ 5
I Sometimes the hair is not |
I properly nourished. It suffers
for food, starves. Then it
falls out, turns prematurely
gray. Ayer's Hair Vigor is a
Hair Vigorj
hair food. It feeds, nourishes, j
The hair stops falling, grows
long and heavy, and all dandruff
disappears.
" Mv lialr was eomlne out terriblv. T was S
almost afraid to comb it. Hut Ayer's iiair
Vigor promptly stopped the falling.and also
restored the natural color."
Mas. ?. G. K. Want), Landing. N.J.
91.00 a bottle. j. c. aver 00..
MMMHSMMMBMM jFoi* ^
Poor Hair
Bmn?nHWWfWMBBnBKglL'ffiTyl*
The ignorance of many people is
underestimated.
A rain of fishes fell at Aberdeen, S.
D., and a number were caught alive.
T. X. L. cures cold in the head.
Some men never know when they
get enough until they have gotten too
much.
Japan is growing cotton in Korea,
and estimates the crop this yea:* will
be worth $40,000,000.
There are about five opportunities
for doing good to one for speaking
evil of neighbors and doing mean
things.
Speaker Mendel L. Smith, of Camden,
has decided not to enter the
JL jlkji guYtxuvi#
Eat one of Ring's Dyspepsia Tablets
after each meal and yon will not suffer
with indigestion. Sold by Kanfmann
Drug Co.
William Waters, colored, was hanged
at Fernandina, Fla., on June 5th,
for murder of four other negroes.
During a thunder storm on Sunday
afternoon lightning killed three cows
belonging to B. Bailey, four miles
east of Laurens.
For bloating, belching, sour stomach,
bad breath, malassimilation of food, and
all symptoms of indigestion, Ring's Dyspepsia
Tablets are a prompt and efficient
corrective. Sold by Kaufmann
Drug Co.
TlfViAvi 4-La A otirolroa
YY I1U11 UHC d V 'Ql XX111I./1 ivan oi TV aAvo
in heaven he will be disappointed unless
he finds an alarm clock and a
cup of coffee.
Scott Town, a villiage of 200 people
20 miles north of Ironton, Ohio, was
completely washed away by high
water on June 5th. The inhabitants,
except Mrs. Sayres and her daughter,
escaped drowning.
T. X. L. cures rheumatism.
Robert Hussey was fined $15 last
week by the mayor of Sumter for
cruelly beating his 15-year old wife.
He pleaded that wiskey had dethroned
his reason and that he did not
know what he was doing.
If your stomach troubles you do not
conclude that there is no cure, for a
great many have been permanently cured
by Chamberlain's Stomach and Liver
Tablets. Try them, they are certain to
prove beneficial. They only cost a quarter.
Sold by Kaufmami Drug Co.
The jury at Abbeville cnargea witn
the trial of J. R.'Moore, Josh Moore,
Sam Bigby and Hugh Bowen, accused
of lynching Allen Pendleton, colored,
last September, brought in a verdict
of "not guilty" on June 5th, after
being out 37 minutes.
State of Ohio. City of Toledo, i
Lucas County \ '
Frank J Cheney makes oath th-u he is
senior partner of the firm of F. J. Cheney
& Co.. doing business in the city of Toledo,
Countv and State aforesaid, and that
said firm will pay the sum of ONE HUNDRED
DOLLARS for each and every case
of Catarrh that cannot be cured by the
use of Hall's Catarrh Cure.
FRANK -T. r REN FA'.
Sworn to before me and subscribed in
my presence, this 6th d?y ot December,
A. D., 1886.
AHall's
Catarrh Cure is taken internally,
and acts directly on the blood and mucous
surfaces of the system. Send lor testi
moniate free.
F. J. UHJtSNFl & tu., ?o:eao, v.
Sold bv all dmggists, 75c.
Take Hall's Family Fills for constipation
Easy.
Housewife?How can you tell when
your iron is too hot?
Laundress ? Sure, I c'u smell th'
clothes a-scorchin', an' they git all
brown.?Cleveland Leader.
Limericks Two.
A singer was Signor McSnitch.
He sat on a board?here's the hitch:
He sat on a knot?
(You know what he got)
r>r\t ctrnnb tVio niirh_M
BO-iU AAV, A ?V i*V V w*,*
A lady in old Injianny
Once started to learn the pianny.
A man in the flat
Said: "Heavings, what's that?
That pianny is awfully tinpanny!"
?Milwaukee Sentinel.
Foleyskidneycure
itkis Kidney* and Bladder Right
aJFj,aau j m* .<vw?i* w< ?r.. n -t- u *. vimar i^n^Tinu T.-r-inmt.iry.
TseaS
> AIR LIxNE
INOlmf-SOUT]
Two Daily Pullman Vestib
SOUTH AND
First Class Dining Car Service.
Eastern cities via Richmond and
steamers to Atlanta, Nashville, Me:
New Orleans and all points South
and Jacksonville and all points in
r? V> AT?f net 11 n ^ J f V\
InJLLUA ICill 1111C 11 UI tU aiiU UUUIH.
fjG For detailed information, r?
&c.. apply to any agent of the Sea
BURROUGHS, Traveling Passen^
CHARLES F. STEWART, Assi
SAVANT
WHOLESALE
1603 main stree'
wash goods!
Colored organdies in all the latest
figures 12?c. quality 10c.
100 pieces Scotch Lawn 4c.
We have a special value in large
figured Lawn?Ask see them.. 6|c.
27-inch Brown Linen 10c.
Light Merrimack prints 5c.
Dress gingham oc.
white goodsT
40-inch Lawn 10c.
32-inch Lawn, special value oc.
27-inch Organdie 10c.
72-inch Organdie 25c.
27-inch White Linen 15c.
36-inch White Linen 25c.
dress goods and silks.
We are receiving new goods in this department
daily?
50-inch Mohair, all colors 48c.
36-inch Brillantine blue and black.. 25c.
27-inch China Silk, all colors 48c.
18-inch White Jap Silk 25c.
We have some very good barg
wilL be pleased to have our
shown through our stock.
I fFi. _ n .i ii.
Ii ne raimeuo
COI/UMB
United States Government, Stai
Capital paid in
Surplus profits
Liability of Stockholders
Security for depositors
Interest allowed in Savings Depar
Payable ?,
United States bonds
South Carolina bonds
OFFI<
Wilie Jones, President.
J. J. Seibels, First Vice-Pres.
Thos. Taylor, Second Vice-Pres.
This is the people's bank?"of th
people."
(Loans to small merchants ana sm;
ones. We want jour business, Bj
8 o'clock p. m. for accommodation <
Before You Purchase Any Other Write
THE NEW HOME SEWiMG MACHINE COMPANY
ORANGE, MASS.
Many Sewing Machines are made to sell regardless
of quality, but the 4* 3iow Jiorae" is made J
?o wear. Cur guaranty never runs out.
We make Sewing Machines to suit aii conditions
of the trade. The ".\ow Home" stands at the
head of ail Higti-uradc family sewing machines
Sold by authorized dealers only.
FOR SALE BY
W. I*. HOOF,
L xin^ton. H 0
HILTON'S !
I
Life for the Liver & Kidneys, j
|
THE BEST PREPARATION KNOWN j
FOR THE CURE OF j
Dyspasia, Liver Complaint and
Disorders of the Kidneys
i
IT IS PLEASANT TO TAKE. |
It excites a pleasing sense or warmxn
in the stomach, diffusing itself throogh
the system. It augments the appetite, improves
digestion, wards off malarial and
thus prevents chills and fever, and is a
perfect regulator to the whole system.
25., 50c, and SI.00 bottles. For sale
at the Bazaar. Wholesale by the Murray
Drug Co., Columbia,
ly?July 6, 05, tf.
?ARB 1
RAILWAY 'I
fT 7? .4 orn TT7T?om I
g-ULAQX- YVJCiOX.l
ule Limited Trains Between ?
I%KW YORK.
The best rates and route to a*
Washington, or via Norfolk and
mphis, Louisville, St. Louis, Chicago, J
and Southwest to Savannah and 1
Florida and Cuba. Positively the *
ites, schedules, Pullman reservations*
board Air Line Railway or to W. L
rer Agent, Columbia, S. C. I *
stant General Passenger Agent 1
T, COLUMBIA, S. C.
I MTT.T.TWT.PV' MTT T TWrTJV T
Miss Eleanor Clan- will be in charge
of our Millinery Department again this
season, this being our first season in
SPRING MILLINERY
%
you will find everything new and up}
to-date in this department. Call and see ^
I us before purchaseing a hat.
SPECIALS.
Art Squares $3.98
Rugs 27x63, special 98c. ,
1000 yards Embroidery 5c.
1000 yards Embroidery, special. ... 10c.
Corset cover, Embroidery 20 and 25c.
Gilt Belts 25 and 50c.
Leather Belts 25 and 50c.
Mennens Talcum Powder 15c.
jains in all departments and we
Lexington friends call and be
National Bank, I
:ia, s. c. ?
te, City and County Depository. W
$250,000 00 a
12,500 00 m
250,000 00
$515,500 00 a
tment at 4 per cent, per Annum, M
Quarterly.
$100,000 00 m
82,000 00
:^rs. I
J. P. Matthews, Cashier. M <
W. M. Gibbes, Jr., Ass't. Cashier. M
Weston & Aycock, Attorneys.
e people, for the people and by the ?
all farmers as much desired as large M
ink opens every Saturday from 6 to H
of wage earners. M
i J. H. Eleazer i
: !
< Will Save you Money in his >
] " [
! Haberdashery ;
! DEPARTMENT. [
| The Best and Latest Furnishings >
4 mm nlwn.vs h?> fnnml hprp in I ?
| Shirts, Collars, Cuffs, Gloves !
! UNDERWEAR. [ *
! >
! WHITE AND FANCY VESTS. !
< ?jff~Qur Spring Line of"^| [
! SOFT and STIFF HATS \
! >
] are here, comprising Knox, Stet- >
< son and other makes. Prices, \
J $1.00 to $5.00 >
( All the New Blocks in \
STRAW HATS, j I
5 At all prices. >
i SUITS MADE TO ORDER. FIT j ^
4 GUARANTEED. >
11514 Main St.,Columbia,S.C. [
j ivr craps
~ - W?W ,
Dealer in all kinds of
Furniture, Tuilet Sets,
COFFINS AND CASKETS.
| RUGS, MATTRESSES, BLANKETS
COMFORTS, BED SPREADS,
CLOCKS, WATCHES. JEWELRY.
FTC.
LEXINGTON, - - S. C.
August 23, 1905. ly.
T. X. L. relieves when properly ap- a
plied. *