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UNC? told First off, I would like to apologize to all of you loyal readers who could not find last Friday's installment of the Fool. Unfortunately, The Gamecock got a sudden attack of morals and decided that, darn it, I'm just not a nice guy. Oh well, on with the carnage. First on the blocks are the North Carolina Tarheads and all of their stupid, loser, Ernest & Julio Gallodrinking, brie-eating, no-cheering, chowderhead fans. I found it personally satisfying | that this wonderful sports staff t (Fool included) was the first group In naiRl?r?K/ froeh thp 'HaoHc IV7 pUUHVl J UUOll U1V 1 1VUUO. wJUlV, ^ we got letters from a bunch of , dopey North Carolina fans. They j even said a few things about me ( that weren't too polite. Well, who's laughing now, 4 baby? \ The Tarheads proved us right by | going out and getting their big blue < butts kicked by Wake Forest. As if ( that wasn't enough, they got beaten v by Duke (a vastly inferior team, right UNC fans?) in their next f game. The only way they could get | a victory was to beat up on hapless t N.C. State. I I guess that shows you punks | who wrote in, doesn't it? Maybe j you should find a real team to pull \ for, especially if you are going to prematurely boast about them. As . usual, UNC will gel bounced from , the NCAA Tourney before the . round of eight. Way to go, Dean. , You're so great with your one ( />Kamr\i/xnchm on?l oil viicuiipiwiioiii^ anu tin. And now to a happier subject. Since Valentine's Day is coming up, I thought I would spread a little love with another installment of the Foolies. Why? I don't know. Maybe all this love in the air has mellowed me. Yeah, right. First up, Allan Houston. Yep, the guy I wrote such nice things about Wednesday. Can you say choke, Allan? Sure you can, and you did many times Wednesday night. For your superior free-throw shooting down the stretch, you win tire Halls Mentholyptus Throat Lozenge Choke of the Week Award. The Buffalo Bills are the recipients of two special Foolies for their humiliation at the hands of the Cowboys. First, they get the All- r State (leave it to the good hands A people) Foolie for their case of fumblitis in the Super Bowl, j Second, they also get the Maxwell ( House "Good to die last DROP" Foolie. Each of these awards comes t equipped with a special handle and 2 handcuffs, so you will be sure not j to drop them on your way out the door. r INNOCENT ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES. BSLAINIP ft/? 794-9100 Introductory Offer \ W 7 Tans - $20 When Purchased by 2-3-93 1/4 mile past Gervais St. Bridge 2 minutes from USC DATE: Feb PLACE: U: you so... Ihhhhih^H^I^^HHII TIM THORSEN The MedAlert (I've fallen and I op? nrvl Fnnlin onp? In lim 'Achy Breaky Leg" Kelly. Get veil soon, Jim ? just not by next gear's Super Bowl. And we can't forget the Cowboys. Super Bowl MVP Troy 'I really do talk like this" Aikman >ets die Ken Hatfield Redneck-ofhe-Week Foolie. The first Michael ^pinks/Campbell's Soup Tomato ?an Foolie goes to Michael Dokes, vho gave his best impersonation of 'Buster" Douglas in the fight this >ast Saturday. I've seen better ights at the Coliseum when all hose bumbkins lined up for Garth 3rooks tickets And the Amazing Discoveries 7oolie for the TV show that is the biggest waste of prime-time hours, rhe NHL All-Star Game gets this tward. Did anyone actually watch his game? I was actually pretty mgry since the game interfered vith my Saturday favorite, the Torgeous Ladies Of Wrestling [GLOW). Finally, the Andrew "Dice" Clay ^oolie for mastery of all four-letter inglish language words goes to *ick Pitino. Yo, Rick, your mamria let you eat with a mouth like hat? In related matters, all Kentucky games have been rated ^C-17 by the Motion Picture \ssociation of America for those fitting at courtside. I And now for a little Fool Logic, [f Atlanta loses the World Series tgain this year, will they finally ;hange their nickname to somehing a little less offensive, like the 3ills? We know the Bills aren't )ffensive at all. Also, if the Buffalo Bills were in i Super Bowl and the NFC decided lot to send a representative, who vould win? In addition, did somebody switch immy Johnson's Brilcream with ?razy Glue before the Super Bowl? Finally, with all the changes in he Gamecock basketball program, ire they now getting paid by the lour? Scholarship Mc Scholarships Grants Work-study Most have: No GPA No Proo No Age As much as $6.6 billion in student foundations goes unclaimed becau: exists, or how to apply for it. For a College Mon Rt.#l, Box 124 Graniteville, Lizafcl's E> inner Country Fried Steak Mashed Potatoes & Gravy Xi Green Beans Macaroni & Cheese Cornbread & Iced Tea Cnll for Eat-in or T; iglsifPyS mms* ruary 10, 11, 12 TIME: 1( SC Bookstore DEPOSIT: Armchair By ROB RODUSKY Assistant Sports Editor The intro hits you like a knockout punch. "Live from the WUSC studios in the scenic, beautiful Russell House in the heart of downtown Columbia. It's The Armchair Quarterbacks!" This starts off Pat McNeill's sports radio show that hits the airwaves on WUSC every Friday at 5:30 p.m. The show debuted on Oct. 16 and, like a great runner, never looked back. "We cover what people are talking about in the world of sports," McNeill said. This ranges from Assistant tr< USC athlete By SCOTT POWELL Staff Writer USG athletic trainer Jeff Parsons plays an important role in keeping athletes healthy. Parsons has worked as an assistant trainer for USC's football and basketball programs since 1990. "The main things that we tell people trainers are involved with are the prevention, care, treatment and rehabilitation of athletic injuries," Parsons said. On a typical day, Parsons will arrive at Williams-Brice Stadium at 7 a.m. There, he helps with the rehabilitation and treatment of basketball and football injuries. After spending some time at the stadium, he goes to the Carolina Coliseum to assist in pre-practice taping and treatment before basketball workouts. On game days, he said that sometimes he stays until 10:30 p.m. in order to meet the visiting team and set up the pregame meal. Parsons said there is more preparation involved in basketball games than just putting coolers on benches. He helps set up the locker room for the players, referees, and coaches and sets drinks for the hand. Parsons said he stays after the game to deal with injuries and evaluate them widi team doctor Bill McKenzie. "On top of die rehab and practice, I'm in charge of making travel arrangements for the basketball team," Parsons said. He said he became a trainer because he "wanted to be around athletics because it enables you to keep a day to day contact with the players and coach. It gives you a different perspective." itching Service Fellowships Loans Internships Requirements r oi Need Required Requirements aid from corporations and se people do not know the money n information packet write to: ey Finders -B, Suite 210 SC 29829 Thicket Entrees Fried Chicken r Rice & Grnvv " Cabbage L Blackcye Peas I Cornbread & Iced Tea ike-out, 765-1373 mm )am - 4:00pm $30.00 i_ quarterba future college basketball matchups to the pro wrestling segment. Some topics, discussed in panel forum, are proceeded by music bits such as "Sweet Home Chicago" when discussing the Chicago Bulls or "Mama Said Knock You Out" on the fight between Riddick Bowe and Michael Dokes. McNeill, however, enjoys talking about professional football for a rather simple reason. "I'm good at it," he said. "1 picked Washington to win the Super Bowl last year and Dallas to win this season." McNeill, who attends the USC law school, got his start in radio as liner keeps js healthy most common ball are knee . jf * . ^ to tackle Parsons around the legs so that they'll go down quicker." In basketball. Parsons said ankle, foot and knee injuries are the most frequent. Other common injuries in both sports are bruises associated with the shoulders, hands and thumbs. There are some preventive measures an athlete can take to avoid injuries. "We try to stress to athletes the importance of year-round conditioning, the avoidance of destructive behaviors and the importance of lifting weights in order to improve their suength and flexibility," Parsons said. He said muscle stimulators are used in order to control pain and decrease swelling. Another machine trainers use is the Kincon, a device used to strengthen muscles. Parsons got his undergraduate degree in sports medicine and biology. He then received a master's in athletic training. Please _ C^)y 150 Wings, 500 E Of Course! sMMl Celebrity Auctioneers... Joe Pinner WISTV Joe Burns Professional Auctioneer T3; JDK 'USC Presider (He goes to your cl Boom Boxes Parakeet, Bird Prints by Blue Luggage All Profits J Tuesc ABa icks hit the ; a freshman at Clemson doing the Spike Lee Show. "It was a ripoff of David Letterman's show," McNeill said. "II went over very well." As a sophomore, he became the 1 news director. That is when he and a fellow student started a I show entitled The Sports Gurus. When comparing USC and Clemson, McNeill does not hesitate to show his loyalty to the Tigers. "It's an entirely different attitude here," he said.'They are more spirited at Clemson. Orange 1 is an altitude." Is the possible future communications lawyer hoping for bright Woods coir From Staff Reports USC Head Football Coach Sparky Woods announced Wednesday the addition of two assistants to his staff. Mark McHale will coach the offensive guards and centers, while Tim Harkness will coach the wide receivers. McHale comes to South Carolina after working as the offensive line coach of the World Football League's Montreal Machine last season. He was on the staff at Southern Mississippi for six years (1986-92) as the offensive line coach, including die last two seasons in the dual role of offensive coordinator. During his stint at Southern Miss, the Golden Eagles appeared in two postseason bowl games (1989 Independence on/1 1 OOn A 11_ A mpriron\ m d on these items it for a Day' Restaurant asses) Carowinds Ballet Less Cage, Etc. nIV Study Sky Belks Clotl and much, support Student Summer Mi ?Free Admission? lay, February 16, 7:31 Russell House Ballroom iptist Student Union Product 799-3854 cu iv* x y y\j i \i i / viu vi ivau/. McHale spent six years at Appalachian State (1980-85). His last two years he served as Sparky Woods' offensive coordinator and worked alongside four other current Gamecock coaches ? Carroll McCray, Brad Lawing, David Bibee and Art Wilkins. McHale, 42, is a native of Winchester, VA. He received his B.S. degree in health, physical education and safety in 1973 from Shepherd (W. Va.) College, where he was a football letterman. He went on to earn an M.S. degree in industrial safety from West > Stop Sm ; * S Buy one get Purchase one at the regul a second entree ol )raft, After 2 For a limited VALENTINE'S DAY'WII This Thursday, Friday & Saturday Only I All clothing by Descente, Pearl Isi \ All accessories Indoor Wind Trainers All Shoes ove up to $500 on '92 bikes by Trek, us Super deals on all '93 bicycles in : \ Happy Valentine's p?y : airwaves things to come for The Armchair Quarterback? You bet. "I would like to get a delay system so we can take callers. This would hopefully expand the show to one hour. This depends on how much money is available for the 1 station. I would also like to get more affiliates for the show." He 1 then jokingly added, "Then maybe we can compete with Bob Costas coast to coast." So, as McNeill said, "If you want to listen to sports topics that are pertinent to the time, then listen in." Because as the introduction also says, "If it's in the game, it's on die air." ion pm, bat-in oniy, time only thin 2-28-93 MTER CLEARANCE STOREWIDE SALE jmi, Trek, etc. 30-50% off 15-60% off up to 40% off up to 40% off I ICloin t ui iivcyu, IMV.I i, ^i^,. stock t/SBIHWifc mimJfAhJkWwJ 001 Harden-!Street/254-9797 Free Door Prizes! Plus a Bargain Table Dinners Tickets ons Bible ling much, more! ssionaries 3pm lpletes staff Virginia in 1975, where he worked one season as a graduate assistant on Bobby Bowden's football staff. McHale began his college coaching career in 1975 at his alma mater, Shepherd College. "I am excited about the opportu nity at South Carolina," McHale said. "I am familiar with this staff and I look forward to working widi them again. I believe we have the potential for success in the Southeastern Conference." Harkness comes to South Carolina from Baylor, where he was a runningbacks coach last season on Grant Teaff's staff. The Bears finished 7-5 in 1992 and defeated Arizona in the John Hancock Bowl. Prior to that, Harkness worked one season as receivers coach for the NFL's Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Harkness also has worked on the staffs at Illinois (1987-91), Alabama (198587), and Georgia Tech (1981-85). Harkness, 37, is a native of Columbia. He went to Keenan High School and then to Johnson C. Smith College in Charlotte, where he played football and earned a B.S. degree in accounting in 1977. Harkness also has an M.S. degree in information systems from Georgia State (1984). "This is a tremendous opportunity to join the staff at South Carolina and become a part of a program that is on the rise," Harkness said. oking. the second FREE entree and two drinks ar prices and receive f equal or lesser value free!