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Random Patterns "High and dry in the long hot day/ Lost and lonely every way/ Got the flats all around me, sky above/ I need a little water of love . . . ? Mark Knopfler One time, Sarah and I were at the Parthenon in Five Points for dinner. I had a large slab of pizza in my mouth; Sarah had a new boyfriend named Scott. Sarah leaned forward and pointed her fork at me. She said, "Chuck, Scott doesn't understand, I need good sex and a lot of it." The old lady and man eating at the booth to our right looked to see who needed good sex and a lot of it. Sarah continued, "Do you think it's coincidental that our waitress is named Faith?" Sex is strange these days. Not only do you have to worry about finding the right person, but you have to worry if he/she's done it with the wrong person in his/her past sex life ... so, the whole notion of being loose is getting grossly complicated. Once you do find the right person, they have the tendency to fall in love with you, but later decide that they want to spend more time with their friends and that you're too possessive, but you're nice and sweet, and they still like you and want to be your friend and to give them a call sometimes when you're not busy. 1 think about sex a lot. I think most people do, because of the laws of nature or something. But as 1 get older I'm able to control these sexual thoughts, better than when I was around that godawful puberty age ? when various parts of my body seemed to have a mind and will of their own. Back in those days, things popped up in the most awkward places. With me, it was always during world history, when my group had to give an oral presentation on Iowa in front of the whole class. During this time of my life, Iowa was the farthest thing on my mind, and the whole class knew it. I find, as one ages, his sexual thoughts mature. A while back, I was standing in front of the Russell House, talking to Baby, my exroommate. It was peak traffic conditions; everyone was either going to , class or to lunch. It was during this conversation, as I stared at all the people, that I realized that everyone at USC is the by-product of an orgasm. The thought, the numbers, the conditions, the diversity overwhelmed me. Naturally, I began to think of my own origins. I wanted to know what it was like on that fated evening I was conceived. My imagination went wild as I pictured my pa coming home, smelling awfully good, with a bunch of little daisies and a goofy Hallmark card. I saw pa give them to ma, making her all silly and melty inside. Then, the two sit down and eat the in $20 { "Immedia : $20 With T 0 New donors or any doni # in 30 days can earn $20 appointment necessary, but [ : m 0 Columbia Ph 0 1916 Tay 0 254-6683 o . _ Automated Plasma Ce, $20 # barbecued pork chops that ma had fixed with the idea that this was simply going to be just another night on the calendar. But ... as my dad gnawed on his pork chop, he looks over the meat at ma, with a sly gleam in his eye. The lustful romp that followed made me. So spontaneous, jungle-istic, wild and romantic. Naturally, I thought of the flip side of the situation. What if my dad had come home drunk off Wild Irish Rose or M.D. 20/20? And ma just did it because he'd shut up and pass out? What if ma had a headache and just did it because she could watch Let's Make a Deal in peace and quiet? What if I was simply the end product of a late night tap on the shoulder? The possibilities made me shiver. 1 like the old kind of sex that use to be on the black-and-white T.V. chnu/c lil'p T 1 n\)o I ur\) Thic chnw created a sexual mystique because you damn well know that Lucy and Ricky did it. Ricky loved Lucy. But the question surfaces, where did they do it? It's common knowledge that they had separate beds, but they had Little Ricky, too, so . . . Sometimes, 1 drive myself crazy- trying to decide if Lucy went over to Ricky's bed, or if Ricky sneaked over to Lucy's side of the room. With these things, we can only wonder. Today's shows, like Thirtysomething, do nothing but give the sexual act a bad name. The sex parts of this show always start with that whiny woman saying, "Honey, you don't love me one single bit, do you?" Then, the guy puts his hands on his hips and starts acting like a sissy and says, "Now honey, I'm not going to answer that question because you know I love you. Now, you're being inane." Then, she starts to cry because he called her inane and sort of raised his voice. Then the show cuts to a flashback when these two were young, when they did it without talking about it. Then the show cuts back to reality and the two are smokine in bed. hannv havine done it and everything. Then all is fine, until next week when the refrigerator isn't cooling properly, and the kids are growing too fast. Lucy never was like this. Lucy and Ricky had separate beds. I like the ads in magazines that use sex to make you buy their perfume or whatever. These ads usually have a. naked man's stomach or just a plain naked woman. It's left up to you to decide what is for sale. These people seem to say, "Look at me, I'm tall, beautiful, tan. I have perfect bone structure, and if you buy this product, you'll be cool like me." This never happens. I think the people who buy the stuff are the opposite. I got a letter from Sarah on Valentine's Day; she and Scott were through. She wrote, "... .there are no other men in my life, except Puff (a cat), and Puff's pretty much a bastard too . . . and I'm gaining weight becauses of that damn pill. I'm going off it because the only thing I sleep with is the seven pillows on my bed." I think of Sarah, of Ricky and Lucy, of orgasms, and origins . . . and I think that in some cases, seven pillows are good things to sleep with. It's safe, easy and doesn't make you feel stupid inside. Until next week .... IET STOKED! \ the USC Surf Club j .TING TONIGHT ( i Room 303 Russell House ) )r Cell Greg at 7-1303. 1 $20 te Cash" his Coupon-S Drs that haven't donated 9 LOO on first donation. No lrnroccinn ic factor i/uith nnP W J I UUUUUII IVj IU I UU Iwl "III" wow. iff : jsrna Center f lor Street ? r 254 6684 0 nter Faster and Safe ^ ^ ^ $20 Comedij By TODD HINES Features editor In New York, a putz is something cabi call people who cut them off while drivi but in Canada, Putz means outrage comedy. Marty Putz, the man of a thous; props, will make a special appearance Ti day at the Golden Spur. Putz was the winner of the 1988 Ca dian Organization for Campus Activi Best Comedy/Variety Act and is a vete of the college circuit north of Maine. If that's not enough, he has been opening act for Billy Crystal, Yakov Sr noff and Bob "Bobcat" Goldthw among others. He has also appeared on the show Fu People and Friday Night Live, a B Television program. Some of the cl where he has performed include V couver's "Punch Line," "The Brass C in Calgary and "Comedy Trap" in E falo, N.Y. This guy is outrageous, aye. Several of his gadgets include a box Out of Tn By TODD HINES Features editor It's not often you can pick up the phone and talk to a legend. He's a man who was a member of a major British band in the late sixties, has eight solo albums to his credit and has friends like Steve Winwood, George Harrison and Eric Clapton. But if legend is a bit much, even though his accomplishments have always been underrated, then perhaps important musical influence comes to mind when speaking of Jim Canialrli "I couldn't imagine a world without music. You can feel quite flat, and then you put a record on, and your mind comes alive," he said. Today, in a career that has spanned more than 25 years, the Evesham, England native has declared his newest release Some Come Running (Island Records) as his strongest effort yet. New album This comes as a surprise since he was once the drummer for the innovative '60s group Traffic. He called that phase the high-point of his career, but it's far from being over. Capaldi is joined by some old friends on the new album including Steve Winwood, Rosko Gee, Eric i Clapton and George Harrison. Some of the songs are already gaining airplay on U.S. radio stations. i "Something So Strong" and "Take Me Home" are two of the bigger tracks on the album. But Capaldi said he expects big things from the < soon to be released cover "Oh Lord, He The Big 625 S. Main NOW OPEN FOE Mon. - Fri. 7:1 LUJNCH t Mon. choice of 1 meat a DO YOU NEED PEN"! with no yearly or with no pre-exisit with no charge fc IF YOU DO. DENTAL a low cost, pre-p virtually all preve a long list of part no claim forms tc individual policie approved payroll I Monthly premiums * Primal * First C * Each A * Guarar FOR MORE INFORIV Dan Freeman I P.O. Box 427 I Columbia, SC 29202 in Putz 1 says sharpens his head and a machine. One of Putz's more r Dies audience games is to wear a giai ng, glove on his head and catch mar ous from the audience. Then, of course, there's the trii and daredevil toy cat that he catapul jes- a ring of fire to a member of th wearing special catapulted-cat ce ina- consisting of a fencing mask and ties But equally as astounding is h ran ball-catching helmet. the The audience begins to wor nir- won't do anything for a laugh, a ait, proceeds to spontaneously co stage. nny One item Putz is currently resi iBC growing hair instantly. And if ubs doubts that he won't figure out an- the rabbit he pulls a hat from, at" The show begins at 7:30 p. luf- sponsored by the special prograr of the Carolina Program Union of the Comedy Corral. Tickets a he student I.D. and $2 without. iffic, musi Why Lord" where Harrison and Clapton join forces on guitar. The album is moody, possessing an underlying power in the style of Traffic. His deep, crooning vocals and the sleepy keyboards of Chris Parren combined with several upbeat tracks define this as his best release yet. "With this album I'm coming out of a cold stretch and warming up. The album is really worth a listen." Capaldi said he is very excited at the prospects of finally touring in the U.S., but plans are on hold while the album is being promoted. He said Winwood and ex-Traffic member Dave Mason have had their opportunities to saturate America with notable success, and he now wants his turn. In Traffic A I I C tour ii/r*iilrl Ka o fittinr* n o 1 u .lJ. iuui vvuuiu ut a 11111115, liiiai frontier for Capaldi since Traffic was often referred to as the English version of a West Coast band. Many critics have likened ^the^ style and genre of Traffic to Tne Doors. "In England there' was no other band like us except perhaps Pink Floyd, but we were never that psychedelic." Traffic, like The Doors, had no bassist and consisted only of keyboards, guitar, saxaphone and drums. Musically, Traffic had influences including jazz, Latin music and mainly blues gospel, he said. "The jazz side made us stand out from other bands. I think it came out as a fusion, and I hope it influenced other bands." Today, Capaldi said he can hear 771-4455 Rjpil across from U the Towers I BREAKFAST 30-10:30 AM t yri'nT^i m kUrFHiT Fri. nd 3 vegetables rAL COVERAGE . . lifetime maximums ing condition limitations >r most preventive care GUARD OFFERS . . . aid dental assistance plan ntive care at no cost irlnatina dental Drofessionals .v.r_... c - - . ) complete for payment s with bank draft or employer I deduction ry Insured $8.00 )ependent $4.50 dd't Dependent $2.50 iteed for one year 1ATION, CONTACT: i at 25^-6265 Ca roll na^^Continental I to come face lift _ m nemorable mk it baseball H shmallows ck with his ts through .tcher gear a fish net. V M ider he ^ nd then he ' mbust on earching is ^ there are a way, ask m. and is ns division and is part ire $1 with Marty Putz ician keep: Traffic's effects in the English groups Yes and Genesis. The band formed in 1967, but before its breakup in 1974, Traffic continued to experience differences over artistic avenues the members wanted to pursue. Winwood wanted a more jazz-oriented sound, and Mason favored a pop style. These differences eventually led to the final separation, and Mason and Winwood left the band several times during its career. Two of the most successful releases were John Barleycorn Must Die and The Low Spark of High-Heeled Boys, from which the title track still remains popular today. Traffic released nine albums. Solo efforts In 1972, when Winwood suffered peritonitis and the band seemed in limbo, Capaldi cut his first solo L.P. Oh! How We Danced. From this point, his ambitions were to produce a new album every year. On his next album Whale Meat Apnin H974^ OanalHi pYripripnfpH - -o v*'' "/> vaj/viiviivvu his first hit single with "It's All Up to You." Then on his third solo album Short Cut Draw Blood (1975), a cover of Roy Orbison's classic "Love Hurts" became a British top-five hit. 05m SUNSHINE Has the Res on Launch 5 SI for the I Please Present This \t? tt 1' ? rv / /> rsu uupncaiions - uii Shirts Beautifu Starched TV We're located just off campu 425 Assembly Street STUDEN' APPLICATIC FRIDAY, For The Following S Summer 1989 "Ga Fall 1989 "Gamec< 1989-90 "Garnet & 1989-90 "Portfolio 1989-90 "WUSC-F Pick Up A In Rooi Russell to Spur it s cruising ^ "Next I did two L.P.s for RSO, but frankly, they got buried under a pile of disco." Following their releases, Capaldi spent the next few years in Brazil helping write albums and raising a family with his wife, Aninha. Finally, he came out with his next album Fierce Heart in the early '80s. Winwood co-produced and provided a little guitar, keyboards and vocals. The song "That's Love" reached the U.S. top 30 singles chart. One Man Mission was released in 1984, and Capaldi moved back to England. "At that stage 1 frankly didn't feel I had another album in me." But Capaldi continued his musical connections and for three months worked with the group Santana in San Francisco. Shortly thereafter in 1986, he said he was ready to resume his career. He met with producers/songwriters Peter Vale and Miles Walters, and the three entered the studio in late 1987. "And this new album, it's the best I've ever done. Thinking of the future, I never want to stop making mucin it ic roolK; tEo KIzxaH rtf lifV* tn me. I can't stop anyway." &kki CLEANERS | CLEANERS il Low Down sred Shirts hirts Mce of 4 ; Coupon With Order er Expires March 31st. lly Laundered & i Your Order s-one block from the coliseum. 799-2030 r MEDIA >NS ARE DUE March 24 tudent Media Positions \mecock'' Editor ock" Edito7* ; Black" Editor " Editor M" Station Manager I pplicatioris I m 313 I House I