University of South Carolina Libraries
"USC TODAY hopes to serve as a ; forum for better understanding and unity to help make USC truly Br 'Tm ^ \ wl one university. And If you believe |P"1 jii '"ft^ i4> that, you'll believe the rest of i Chairman and Jafa El Miwdo, Yastarday around lunehtima Jeff Shrewsbury None o' your beeswax Editor Editorial director OPINION The Debate: USC & MIKE FAIR Todav's dobato Includes our oolnlon that the DroDosod dorm doIIcIhr hv ntntn Rep. Mike Fair are the best Idea to come to USC since sliced bread and Jehan Sadat both enlightened all our lives, as well as opposing views from geeks and fascists who aren't Interested In anything similar to the Ideals Am rlca was founded upon. Rep. Fair's ideas just what we need ~ t? J c? ivuivv t an id a gcuiua. t licit; id juai uu uinci wuiu iui u. He is a visionary. . .a man of the times. . . a force to be reckoned with. . . he is one cool, happening dude. Rep. Fair had the insight and courage this past week to air his views that USC is an immoral place. He caught a lot of flak from those who are involved in the aggregious sins, but he took them like a good Christian soldier. Fair said he wants to eliminate coed dormitories, restrict opposite sex visitation to the ground floor of all residence halls and make it impossible for students or adults to get a drink in this community. To some, these are strict, even harsh ideas, but to the right-thinking, narrow-minded Christians who run this state it is a breath of the future. USC TODAY agrees wholeheartedly with Rep. Fair's ideas, but we don't think they are strong enough. We want to see more done. For example: 1. A barbed-wire fence shall be erected down the middle of campus and in the middle of every side walk. Males and females should be required to walk on separate sides of the walks and shall not be permitted to cross campus for any reason. JSC should hire armed security personel to ensure that no man touches any woman until they have met in Rutledge Chapel for marriage ? and only then after Fair has given his approval of the vows. 2. A monument should be commissioned in Fair's honor. It should be nearly 50-feet high, and there shall be no "bulges" anywhere in the nasty groin area. 3. Using the new science department technology, USC should get Marlin Perkins to tag every person of both species with a warning device so that when someone of the opposite sex approaches it would emit a piercing whine and alert the security personnel. 4. All books in library shall be stripped of any material t:i^A :* 1:1 n i 1 lliai tvbll 1UUM lll^t 11 19 |JU1I1U((1(1|JII1I. I1NC <111 UUUKb Willi Michelangelo's paintings in them. He was one of those heathen Catholics, you know. Fair is a fairly fair, open-minded man, and we should listen to him. He has nothing but our welfare in mind. He wants to take this country back to what it used to be ? proud, sovereign and feudal. Write your congressmen. Call the neighbors, and wake the kids. Bring the fool dog. Mike Fair is the man we want controlling our lives. He is the man of our dreams. Draft Fair for president! QUOTELINES "We're going to give USC students more and more freedoms and more rights and responsibilities whether they like it or not. And they will enjoy them! " ? University President James Holder man "I don't understand it. Students act like they need to talk to each other and spend time together. They can just suck it up and develop intra-personal, social skills when they get out of here. College is no place for learning." ? Jerry Brewmeister, Dean of Student Death "?>ex, sex, sex . . . that's all any one ever talks about. Whatever happened to awareness of social issues and looking out for the other guy? I mean . . .if we didn't have Government, who would be there to respond to our needs? I like cotton candy. . .1 mean. . .uh . . . What was the question?." ? A bbie Hoffleman, Student Senator "Mike Fair is our leader, Mike is a just man, he is a you, yes, a yoa, a man wno loves us, ne is a god, he knows whereof he speaks. Oh, did I mention he's a god'?" ? Portfolio editor Jim Davenport VOICES FROM ACROSS USCj What Lot*i? "The lip" Ltfraehwitzini, 4 Andy D. Mines, 25 Habitual mass murderer. Nerd, Bates House Lives in a box under Sims Who? What plans? Who carcs? Go ahead. Change Mike Fair seems like a de'em ? see if I care. I'm cent enough fellow. He gonna go on a killing spree gave me a pocket protector soon anyway ? there may for my pencils and pens not be any coeds when I'm once. Whatever he wants to done. This may be a unisex cio is fine with me, I guess. I university when I'm done, mean, I have no cerbral corI'm that good, li've got tex as far as I can tell. No Uzis, grenades, rocket laun- brain, that is. 1 don't get chers! V * the Terminator. many dates. V / no \ 1 V*A J / ^ *? J 4 a s ;(<st \im r'^ uJ EUSTATIOUS MCMURTRY Guest columnist Fair is a hero and It's 1988, an election year for like Norie the next president of these preside. I sf United States. Up until now or more sy there have been no heavy favo- then you ce rites Republican, Democrat, Li- as you can bertarian or even Communist. Say Fair What does that leave us? Can doesn't it. you say Conservative, boys and sweet and ! girls. Sure I thought you could, ful. Preside Hmm, let's see. Jesse Helms For now isn't on the ballot, Mickey on our owi Mouse missed the filing date and he's a and John Birch is dead. state Hous< But wait. Look, up in the Let's all sti skies. It's a bird. It's a plane, rally time s It's Mike Fair. Why no Able to leap promiscuity in a made into single bound, able to slow People ne speeding human love trains with anyways ai a flick of his wrist. Who is this called lust guy? wiggle it's Mike Fair is a hero for our minds. it.I. _ _:n * 1 1 nine*, nc s a puiar ui iruin ana \_ieannn< justicc amidst a sea of swine, ness. A cl He's a giapt of a man. clean body Listen, we've always been dust where looking for a fair president so No one let's vote for a Fair president, gumption Can't you just picture a United and female Nations meeting where names got the gu NATHAN ARIZONA III Guest columnist frlpDC hpd thinnr ci U ?/ illlllg (JI You know, I was reading the integrity. I news-type paper the other day, my daught< cuz I had some spare time on my into any oli hands and the TV was on the take a s fritz, and I run across this feller wouldn't d named Mikey Fair. He was don't thinl rattling on bout how he wanted be able to to keep the women folk away naked won from the men-folk over at the Nudity university (the big one in marriage, t Columbia, not the cow school) There ain and it got me to a thinkin. young fellc He just may have a good need to I point there. I mean, I've seen together. V my share of lady friends and I studying, knows that we got to have And eve babies and all, but 1 think Mr. they is ad Fair may be on to something. what they < Maybe the reason long-haired Every gc hippy freaks took over this great when the c country a couple of years ago is one's privi because the principals of the his magic, universities didn't keep them 'em. They' from scrumping like rutting search of It ferrots. Maybe if they had kept "Jimmy Ci things legitimate and proper, And th like they was before the great great state war, this country wouldn't be in just don't the straights it's in now. way it is. I think Mr. Fair is a man of If good < do you think of Rep. Mike K. C. Hunter, 18 luies Wan Sports Administration Hotel, rest* uoiumbia Mali Lives at St What's his ERA? What's Well, his shooting percentage? brain inl Does he pitch? ago whei Frankly, he doesn't look first tan] too athletic, so I'm not sure think I'r if I like him much. He looks be askii like somebody that would keep me piay ior me Yankees ? no mat's mi class. But if he has tickets to there's c the Super Bowl, I'm willing and it r< to talk. it's that \ IMA SE3 An oppo /-rife A US 1 UHtr i4 \ SeX r n ^ rt' I -] L \ c0u\i Ar^^/ ?o . ^ we like U! s ** O Everyoi 1 a hotbed < /, I v yflfy \jk 'n' roll. / VtiHS~7 /jfflC ) thousand y"j? """"I?" ^7/1 . ^ campus ai VO^i V ^/ V perverted I ? tura' 1 A U fun hr>hn< 1 AliJX heathens. / /IJ'M a" a^out _ i /IjiW ^nc* w' M \J fun, Rep. ____X r . l-?i with enjo; /hki c'en ^ //\A\ defy logic I / / \j\\ to stop Ol ) I Ml \ should en< , "?-' I I \ on campu I I I Not on ^ I I coed resi I I campus, > ^.?4- i - and make I I ( ' all, doesri 11,11 courage oi WCU (Id UUI We expeci Vt x - ses, tests i u BROTH! An oppi a man of the people ga and Gorbachev Eustatious McMurtry is an old ly if they've got three nrudp and hax hp*>n fnr nhnut on liables in their name years. ^l. ^rs in't trust them as far 's ta throw them. direction, with me. Ah, it sings kind of plan that got us out of l^at l^ls Fair. It's short and the Depression. In the mode of m'ght ba says a whole mouth- Roosevelt's New Deal we've got somethinj :nt Fair. Ooo, chills, the Fair Deal. Oh, I know it's fornicatio we've got him here been used before, but that was a n Board of Trustees money thing this is a whole these wh member of our own different ball of wax. mongers ? nf PpnrPCAntotivAC TKA Cn!r 1 ...u? ntHprs lik " V" tuw A Oil L/tQl Wlltig VVC md behind him. It's should go and if we can make it cach sex > tudents of USC. work here than perhaps all of the wrong t just have dorms America could sleep safer and because o demilitarized zones? sounder one day. Maybe we We a11 ed to study more could divide the whole thing message nd the demon thing into states designated for men homosexi always seems to and states for women. But men mind thai way into students would need more because they If we 8 live like slobs. And every year or we :ss is next to godli- so there could be a giant dance telling stu lean mind brings a to bring everyone together for a . Let's put lust in the little socializing. We could call it H. I. Ml it belongs. Mike Fair Dav and ever before had the could wear black choir robes so An opp to segregate males no one gets any ideas. s and Mike Fair has Think of it all, folks. Fair for J[ 0T ts to do it. It's the president in '88. thin Has ar ? 1 "mi ? most ever ince june bugs, Elvis know I don't want Nathan Arizona III is nobody. that ever zr being able to walk Fair has t d dorm at school and you? I r< hower. My Daisy I'm sot O that anvwav. hut I had nnvthino tr? env nhnnt ? I Inc# m _ / J ? V ? *v *v t J"3l 11IV II c young men should think this whole thing would be did he chi get that close to a over in a blink, because Strom is Frankly, tan's body. a man who knows when to keep of a ma and sex are for people apart. He did it in the ending u he Bible tells us that. '40s he could do it today. "Fair," \ 't no reason why I guess what I'm saying is, Spock. :rs and young ladies there ain't no room for bodily Not sii be in their rooms pleasure in a finely-tuned insti- every otl /e all know they ain't tution of higher learning. named " Mikey Fair is a fine young seen anyt n though they says man with a bright future in my You d< ults and they know book. Anyone knows that a let's take Join . . . they don't. 50-year old man is the only one FAIR >od Christian knows who knows what's best for dorm visi levil gets into some- youngsters in the prime of the campus. tto norfc orv/4 rkoi/*r cavnnl r\ ? ? J ?v pin 1.1 iinu }iinn\,9 jvauui uvim.. rape unu they ain't no stoppin We need to keep them away. FAIR 11 fly out the door in We need to keep them inside so Co-ed do ist before you can say they can learn, and we need to pus. Wh; rack Corn." get their minds off their loins and the s at's something the and on to some book learnin*. FAIR of South Carolina My hat's off to you, Mike, sale of co need. It's perfect the Keep up the good work. People Why? ? like me are rooting for you. spread ol ale Strom Thurmond Okay then. What i Fair's plans to eliminate all coed dor fwamm, w HT'1. ~HMH HRU m 21 Clffert Ikixtafcte, 50 6r?eg urant, taming admin. Cammed parent USC t*j >ap3 lives a fantasy fcfe Boston, I microwaved my I'm a funny obstetrician to non-existence years from New York City. Why are Ah, n they brought out the you asking me? I'll only tell off, 11 ning beds, so I don't long tales about how good you Well, n the one you should kids have it now and how hard would lg. What? It would life was way back when. It's all with a from the babes? Hey, I really know how to do. I was ajor uncool. I mean, if mean, you've never actually Game\ >ne thing I do know, seen me in a delivery room, better ally is tlse only thing. now have you? But my shows knowc I like the babes. on top, so.... other * ILJUMLLIMLMW I?II? ! I II II I IIIMI (POT L sing view ~ i C students need ual atmosphere ike Fair, R-Greenville, Ima Sexpot, a media arts means well, but he senior, plans to become a proesn't understand that ducer of pornographic films SC just like it is. when she graduates. -ip knnws that I i? af sex, drugs and rock tuition dollars! ^ it any given moment, Fair says students have comof students on this plained about their roomre enagaging in illegal, mmates having overnight guests acts of the most unna- of the opposite sex. The solu, but we have so much tion is simple ? why not just ving like a bunch of allow guys and gals to be That's what college is roommates if they want? That ? fun. way, they could live together, ly shouldn't we have exploring their sexuality, anu no Fair? What's wrong one would be inconvenienced, 'ing our bodies? This university should do y our sexuality is to more to encourage sexual activi, and instead of trying ty. Every organization on camir natural urges, USC pus could get involved. :ourage sexual activity Perhaps Carolina Program s. I Ininn rniilH ?nnn?nr an nrav on w'"w" ?rv..ww. ? w. C>J ly do we need a few The Horseshoe. And the intradence halls on this murals department could hold a ^ -ve need to go ahead sex tournament. Residence halls 0 them all coed. After could get together and sponsor i't USC need to en- sexual exam breakers. ur sexual education as The possibilities are endless, r academic education? but USC officials should start t more than just clas- now to encourage promiscuity, and tea refills for our not stop it. ER JEFF osing view I* Winl/no A/\MfiAmm4iirnn L limiVCS tUUSCl YilllYCd k like real wimps t glance, Rep. Mike Brother Jeff says, "Recuerdos, king steps in the right a todos. Recuerdos, a todos. " /""a but I'm just afraid * I well-meaning plan ckfire and encourage I even worse than behavior is all right! And then n ? homosexuality! everyone will get AIDS! finitely need to stop The answer is to eliminate ores and the whore- colleges altogether. That way, on this campus and we can end debauchery of all ;e it. But locking up kinds. n some dorm might be The moral fabric of America I thing to do right now, has been torn apart for too f A-I D-S ? AIDS! long. We need a return to what know that AIDS is a made this God-fearing country from God that great ? the Puritan morality tals are bad. (Never brought over here by our lesbians can't get it.) Founding Fathers. o to single-sex dorms, If we unite, we can stop be inadvertantly depravity. Let us join now and dents that homosexual stamp out sex in our lifetime. IDONNOUGH v ' osing view another column-type ig about this Fair guy iyone noticed that al- H. I. is an ex-con who now y column on this page lives somewhere in Arizona. like Fair? Kind of silly I mean, you'd think really do is put an end to a very y single aspect about important part of college life ? >een covered, wouldn't socializin'. ;ckon not. That's right ? an end to the ry. I can't help it. It's salad days, folks. lan's name ? I mean, You won't be able to cruise *nge it to that or what? over to your girlfriend's for a / the probability factor casual visit, and she can't come in like this naturally see you. You'll live like a rat! p with a name like Soon you'll start sprouting .vould even shake Mr. fur and living on a constant diet of SAGA cheese! ice the old days when Well, maybe it wouldn't be all ler used car lot was that bad. But you can bet it Honest Al's" have I wouldn't be no bed o' roses, hing so ludicrous. And these are awfully serious 3n't believe me? Well, extremes to strive for just to a look. keep USC from being held ? Trying to remove responsible for rape cases. itation rights from our No. Fair is really a goofy kind Why? ? to prevent of name. I really wish he would the spread of AIDS. have capitalized on his gift of a ? Trying to abolish the name properly and become a rmitory from our cam- used car salesman ? we'd all y? ? to prevent rape certainly be better off. pread of AIDS. Maybe he can use it as a fall ?<' Trying to stop the back position if the Board of * ndoms on our campus. Trustees gets wise and ousts to prevent rape and the him. How many members do F AIDS (wha?). they need, anyway? They got his proposals would more'n the; "in handle. ms and change visitat'<1 policies? Lttehkey fi&orgfs Latchkey mnus Convicted cow mobster Mass. Central Correctional Institute why'd you cut Cosby Why did you ever ask that love him. He's so funny. creep Gregg anything? It just anyway, this Fair guy goes to show there's nothing n't have gotten away similar to real journalism at my of this stuff when I USC. He's the black shoep of writing for The the family; he should have ^ ?oc/c. We were much gone to Clemson and then to ^ student journalists. We prison like all the rest of us, but d good grammar and noooooo. He has to go to neat stuff. (JSC. The jerk. *