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. ^ ^ FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1988 k NEWSLINE : ??? b( A QUICK READ ON THE NEWS bi CH WEATHER: Acid hail the size of golf balls will be pouring down el by the bucketfuls, breaking glass and denting metal all over the h< place. And once it melts, it's sure to wipe that brand-new paint job right off that classic Mustang you just had painted this week. cl It ought to make for a few neat pictures, though. Sources in the d< White House say the communists have nothing to do with it. w Yeah, right. REAGAN SHOT: Yes, the president went in for his annual [7 tetanus and flu shots, stressing prevention as the easiest way to 5 prevent "well, all those nasty, well, sicknesses, from, well, making you, well, unwell." = m ! RL UGLY: Webster's New World Dictionary / does not 8>ve a definition of the word V \ ugly, but does say, "see any of that J modern art stuff they have on USC's ^ campus. I mean, it ain't got any more l^an those mudpies we made when we ]/' were kids, so why put it on a pedestal. [/ They should have Mom make you try and j j vai ii, jual iiivv sum uiu wiui uiu^c ^JlO. | NATION: The Student Senate today passed a sweeping I resolution condemning the U.S. military presence in the United States. "The president is obviously trying to stir something up with all these troops in the U.S.," said Sen. Wallace Cleaver. "Who's he trying to kid? All these troops in the U.S. is tantamount to a secret invasion, an undeclared war. It must end." WASHINGTON: Nothing happened in the capital today. Really. The Reagans were out of town; no one really noticed if the Bushs were in; and Capitol Hill exploded taking all Congressmen with it . . .oh well. WASHINGTON: Capitot Hill was blown up Thursday by a 1 TP group of outraged viewers of this past year's ABC miniseries Arnerika. They said the show was so realistic that for art's sake they had to blow up the dome. Art could not be reached for comment. ABROAD: A broad was seen walking down the streets of Paris, prompting feminist groups in the United States to condcmn her as a "shameless, old-fashioned hussy who brings the women's movement back about 2,000 years." A male chauvinist pig who watched the broad said, "Hey, her movements weren't old fashioned in any way, if you take my meaning ? and I think you do." The broad, later reached for comment, was discovered to be ...u? J 4*i?? 11.. -1? ? 1-1 iucis. aim i iniv-c, wnu aaiu, i m icauy vciy Miy, su cuuiu yuu leave me and my 20 girlfriends alone?" MONEY: Five bucks still gets you into a movie in most places except New York and Chicago, so the dollar hasn't fluctuated that much, a Treasury Department spokesman said today. ft w NORIEGA SHOT: Panamanian military dictator Manuel j Noriega took a sniper's bullet to chest area where his heart "should be," said a Panamanian doctor. "There's no heart," the doctor said. "And since Noriega said the bullet wound only I tickles when does the moonwalk, we decided to let him go. But he won't moonwalk for a few week." a SPORTS: Clemson announced it will not have drug testing for athletes anymore after its little drug scam, but said it will institute intelligence testing for coaches. "Those blockheads are punting on first down in spring practice. This must stop," said Xavier "The Executor" Sessions, Clemson Board of Trustees chairman. IRS TROUBLE: Peonle damn well better set their tax returns in I today, an IRS official says, or they're gonna face severe penalties. "What's all this garbage about April 15? It says right here on mine 'April 1.5.' So they have to get those tax forms in by noon, or their butts'll be audited, and I'm a lawnmower." When ^ asked if the decimal point might be some spilt gravy, the official W said, "Right. When is it most inconvenient for you to come in for an audit, pal?" The reporter promptly shut the heck up. GRAPHICS: The Gamecock newspaper announced today a series of new graphic elements for its typesetting system. "We've had ?s for ages, but now we've got +s, Bs, <*s, s.. *s and ^s. This is really neat, 'cause we can have people go i * A tm ^ u. A D.nr. <r . i>? ?? ' ? -t wm-* w-V : ? u iuuks line # fiery re tussin ur something! use SNAPSHOTS A look at the stupid statistics that make up our school A_ . wmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmrnmmmmmmmmmmmmmmrmuKmimmrrmmmmmBmmmtmmttmmamigmmimmBmmtmmNmmmn senators, Elvis join f< / Todd Hines dccide the next Student 1950s and received SC TODAY Government officers. recognition as one of The Student Senate met "Well, it's one for the greatest. 'ednesday, and for lack of a money, two for the show, three "The way 1 figure 1 i _ _.4 a.. i r 9 ? ..,n. l. r :uer explanation, approveu a 10 get reauy anu lour 10 go, w??s guuu cmmgn n 11 to have an election to Sen. Lance Mullecky said dur- then it's good enougl x*ide if there should be an ing presentation of the bill. student body at the I cction to have an election to The formula was decided of South Carolina," Did another election. upon because it resembles a Priscilla Wesley in d Senators approved by ac- song by Carl Perkins that was the bill. amation the quadruple popularly covered by Elvis One senator said iv smocratic vote, saying it Presley. "Blue Suede Shoes" the S.G. Codes prohil ould be the easiest manner to rode the music charts in the four consecutive elect jj g COVER STORY Fashion feud 'Holder-obics' tape hits station , . , , , hits market to ran USC TODAY f Disc jockeys at WUSC-FM money for univers are in a fashion uproar over President Ronald Reagan's By Bill Thomas April 10 ban of black clothing. USC TODAY "We'll have nothing to USC President James wear," said DJ Running man not be a^' Chicken. "I don't know why full-formula funding f they want us to start shaving state legislature, but he 1 and taking showers." ?duced something he h< Reaction at the radio station ISb raise enough money tc has been emotional, and DJs ^.^1 difference ? the Hoi have had difficulty staying in ,y workout video. their typical monotone voices. "We desperately need* "It's just fascism, plain 5 Sill1 to avoid another tuition fascism," said DJ Squeaky "^ibwF Jew and I have been workii Clean. "How can you look jj/P my house recently, so I Bohemian if you aren't allow- unriIE., ??? ??_.?_ I'd give it a try and , , , , . ... , , HUiiUL: says titness , ed to wear black? We don t t ?reatj happens, Holderman s want to pull out our topsiders ' The video, which feat and lzod knits again." Holderman wearing tights, is about an hour long Officials at the station com- tains 12 aerobic exercises designed to give the en plain that they are not yet a workout. ready to dress like everyone Student Government President Michael Hog else and that the ban will students to buy the video. needlessly force them to buy "I bought it, and I have never been in better at new clothes. The Salvation Ar- tive shape," the S.G. president said. "I hope e my and area used-clothing student buys it, because it is for a good cause." stores, in fact, have said they Holderman said the exercises will definitely tal are expecting a decline in their pounds. "Believe me, this exercise video works. rlnf hino niuo 1'jno l</-vn A a a run fnr h*?r m nnpv " VIV/?IIIII?, '"IV.J, 51 vv JUIIW 1 UI1UU U I Ull IV/i nvi Some DJs say they won't I can lose weight doing it, anyone can." give in easily and nave Holderman said he has been on a banana-andthreatened to start playing Top in addition to doing the workout for a montl 40 music at the station. already lost 160 pounds, dropping him to a lean 36 "To put it simply, no black Several students said they thought something wa clothes, no more Gay Cowboys in Bondate LPs," said Chicken. I Please see COVER STOR i 3rces for election I major codes are the rules and regula- any group, it should be Presley's tions of the senate. Megadeth," Wrathspoon said. However, controversy en- The chambers then erupted, : it, if it sued when Sen. Nigel Wraths- and the metal-head senator or Elvis, poon took the floor and claim- was bound and gagged for the h for the ed Presley's lyrics do not duration of the meeting. jiuvcimiy jusuiy :> u*. u caicumvc rresiey remaineu me iaiK ui said Sen. measures. the senators, and a friendly efense of "Folks, the King is worm amendment to the bill added food. He was a fat slob toward further that paraphernalia of o rules in the end of his career and jit having deserves none of the praise he ions. The got. If we're going to adopt Elvis, page 5 *] Guilfoyle dies |f in fiery blast ^S^Hl By Tony Moreno 1 USC TODAY ^ - . USC President James V^vJllXlllIlloL jfcip Holderman's house sustained -? H heavy damage Thursday morn- |l\/?~*Q 1T"1 1 ing when Stephen Guilfoyle, ^ * W'kJ v/XX XXX H m longtime columnist of The Mm Gamecock, exploded nearby. TY*1 II Guilfoyle, possibly the most Av-FX lVJ lII hated personality on campus, By Andy Bechtel ?S was rrnccino Thf* Hnrtpthnc I IQ/"1 Tr>n A V II |i apparently on his way to class, j I; when the blast shook the area, They say the candle that ' f: sending terrified squirrels scur- burns twice as bright burns 11 rying into the trees. half as long, and Stephen 11 The entire left wing of the Guilfoyle burned very brightly || president's house was indeed during his three-year || destroyed by the explosion, but career at The Gamecock. || fortunately, Holderman and Experts disagree on the i| his family were staying in one cause of the columnist's sud|| of their other lavish houses den death Thursday, but (probably the one on Lake everyone across USC has a Murray). No one except a pair theory. f? of pesky reporters from The "It's no big deal. People just |? Charlotte Observer bothered blow up all the time," said trying to get Holderman to Madame Nahej Tadas, a USC Ip comment on ine incident. concept consultant and M Amazingly, no other part of psychic. "What happened to II The Horseshoe was damaged, Guilfoyle could happen to anv P aside from the blood splatter, of us at any time. By the wa?, p even though parts of did you know that my name Guilfoyle's body were found spelled backward is 'Jehan H all over campus. One student Sadat'?" S reported being hit by a piece of Others speculated that j , Guilfoyle's private parts while Guilfoyle may have exploded if sun bathing on top of Colum- because of the stress of his refsJHj m bia Hall. She is undergoing cent clash with USC's Student f> psychiatric treatment. Government over the Freedom B Authorities are still unsure of Information Act. about the cause of Guilfoyle's "1 guess there's a possibility untimely explosion, but are of terrorist bombing by some considering two theories: 1. ? unknown, radical fringe on a clever assassination or 2. ? this campus," mumbled one tne paranormal pnenomcnon uiini graduate student. uoa known as "spontaneous knows we've got plenty of combustion." 'em." "People just blow up all the An autopsy report will be I time. It's no big deal," said issued sometime this weekend r Madame Nahej Tadas, a Col- if medical examiners get umbia concept consultant and around to it, but they said they psychic. "What happened to might go to Saturday's Guilfoyle could happen to any Carolina Cup in Camden of us." instead. Tadas, whose name The examiners said the in)SXw backward strangely enough vestigation is being hindered ? spells Jehan Sedat, said she by the fact that the only rewill hold a series of seances mains of Guilfoyle were his next month in an attempt to New York Mets cap and his . . communicate with Guilfoyle. glasses. 111 All interested students who are "It's not much to go on," rt r /-a n#*t ? ' 6 willing to pay a small fee are said one examiner who hapro e invited, she said, but added pened to look a lot like Jack las intro :>pes will ? fill the ^ Writer, page 5 Idiot, page 5 der-obics _______________ id money ?? increase, # , ig out in Don t be frightened by spoof [ thought ? see what jn case yQU j,aven't notic- I~ al ' ed, today's edition of USC * ^ "res T^nAV \e ?!^ 'I11, it's been a long semester and ^ ^ ^ we all need a break from J i sain It reality. It's all jusf a bunch of water diet Besides, April Fools* Day bull! only comes once a year. n fS So sit back and enjoy the It will probably be lOpoun s. nex( sjx pages Qf use jo. something you could show sup when D/4 K We worked very hard your grandchildren in 20 on it, and we hope you like years, when you think they y page 5 | |_^ might be able to handle it. |