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Diary Of A Female Athlete From the time I saw her step from the top of an armored tank. 1 knew that she was eoinu to hp tnnoh momiiocc O O " v.vuvou basketball coach. Upon closer look, I witnessed a nine-foot leather whip in her left hand and a playbook in her right. She had a mysterious look on her face, shielded by thick sunglasses and an army helmet. Her stylish bright red dress clashed with her spiked heels. She walked onto the court with an arrogant swagger and the click of those obnoxious heels on the wooden floor almost Miaou mo nauseous. 'ir.'i s (,(). practice you worms," She bellowed in a booming \oiee. " We'll be out on this court tor at least eight hours U lay so don't make any plans." The first thing She did was tell the players she wanted to be known as Coach God. She said She came from Kings Dominion \niwscnient Park in Virginia. Before that. She was .1 prison v m; vi at Salt Lake City Correctional Institute. Starting .nidice. She made each player run 7.f>(M) laps around ih* jjvm, Then She put the basketballs in a small cannon Vh- wheeled onto the court and tired them to membiVN , : e team. If vou didn't catch the ball, the brass knuckles a: k 11 t ".'ha! i,i>i da; at practice was unbelievable Three girls Dent :f .ir firs' lii'hi in 111 h.wnit.*?! M-itn iimtnn hmhw tu^ 'O * w . . i t i ? ? 4 * / I \ \ II v I I I 1 I ?T . L \^ \ I oi: er> Ma-.: racfured skulls and one player had a massive : carnnu ciube-lded in her ri^ht car Ml!. 1 \\ vs luck \ .jus' a sprained wrisl and broken nose : he next day of prac'ice. the i oach was surprisingly nice lo as. She look us ou! n a:nia ' ..no complimented us on a jjood practice "\Ve ww oi iuddied. How could somebods be so nice re day and h:?i'hi* next'. 1' a as (u:: " . mu wi !he season lhal really worried mi' Chamber Music r at Township The Chicago Symphony Group members include Chambers Players will bring Samuel Magad. concert their special brand ot master; Milton Proves chamber music to the viola; Joseph Golan, violin Township Auditorium Frank Miller, cello. .Joespr. Sunday at 3 p.m. Guatafeste. has- Uor^.ri This presentation is a part Peck. flute \T of the University oi South Henoch, or.-oe Larr. Corr. Carolina Cultural Series clar:r.e-. a:?.;:o\. which will feature principle r. o r. i r. *: Ijd.e players from ihe Chicae- C.*ver.2er rvorr Symphony Orchestra Ac- v'.vrar..- :r.<: cor.cer'. cording to music critics, the r i group is one of the most e:: : r. r? ir.: : talented and provocative airir.g v. >rr.a.. o K 1 -v. - f : ^uowiiiuicn i iiji in i n ^ cnamrAT c:7..-r rr.r. - r.c today. irorn Mozart to P.st;r. As i IN KVKMV SENSE. result, the;. project a these pen or mors are the combination of outstanding creme de la ere' >e." writes virtuoso execution with the John Guinn. a crit c with tin intimacy of collaborating Detroit Free Press. "The musical minds musicians project all the best earmarks of chamber TICKETS TO the permusic playing, including formance are on sale at the artist if intf?ll<;itv Ilfsf Travol Pnntnr i ? > ...%v.iw,v^ UWIIIVVIIHVO i i U T\vl V/V I 1 (A. I 111 IIK' nissing from those groups Russell House for $<> and $5 'hat play chamber music for the public, and $3 and $2 exclusively." for students. [? PKA I FULL CONTACT KARATE Live?Sat Feb 7-8 PM EH TOWNSHIP AUDITORIUM WffiW 3ES 36 ROUNDS OF KARATE flBH ACTION ! ' S Mike "Kino Cobra" Coles vs. JefffCripper 7i UJ SUSTHAMD /-#-?. ?? ^ ^ r vwkumDlM a UWN SE uj | For the U.S. Championship i i 3E Zi z Mike Moore vs. Kenneth Rooks ?> Middle weight Contenders cx. lu 1 I o 1 UCr foam ut riomrft? featuring Mike Genova, John Orck, a Mike Goldman ft 5 s Columbia's Kicking Gamecocks Tickets $9 ringside- $7 Gen. Admission ($5 Student & Military tickets at auditorium box office until 6PM Feb 7) AV/AII API C AT TOWNSHIP AUDITORIUM BOX OFFICE/TAYLOR ST PHARMACY / PARKLANF PHARMACY/W COLA MUSICLANO/COLUMBIA MAI L / WILLIAMS MUSIC/ORANGEBURG SEIKO MUSIC/SUMTER OR CALL TODAY 782-3960 I DON'T YOU PARE MISS ?Tt BBBBwSfpfBMHHils We were playing Rochester Tech and leading 45-14 at halftime. Coach God had taken seditives on the bench during the first half and was amazingly quiet. We silently sat in the locker room at halftime and waited for our leader.When She arrived, She kicked over a rack of Cokes and threw her plastic bracelets against a locker. She ranted, She raved and when She was finished, our locker room looked like a famous battle scene with half the players having been hurled against the walls. The Coach walked back onto the court as if nothing had happened. As time went on, things got worse. Assistant coaches were fired, players quit and those who stayed suffered irreversible brain damage. Some stayed in a state of brainwash and the others were just plain stupid. Coach Clod didn't let it bother her. Her eyes remained hidden by sun glasses with a machine gun by her side. I Hiring one game. She just missed shooting an official by inches. After that, she fired at us during practice. KKiHT AT THE end of the season, things became ridiculous: A te *n psychiatrist sat on the bench next to Coach at all tlu games. During one oi the contests, she t played solitaire on the court in front ot the bench. Another time she built a pyramid of empty plastic cups. At one game, she sat at the top row of the auditorium and threw popcorn at I he officials One time, she was given her second technical foil! of 'he ?ame and walked off the floor after she 'ook all the basket Kills with her. At another match. She laid down in the middle )i me court ;incl threw a temper tantrum l don't know how 1 lasted those tour Raines undet Coach r,()(i 1 really don't sleep very much here at the sanitonum >ut the nurses are nice to me At least none <>! them spend i our hours blow drying their hau LILY TOMLIN IN / (GIVE OR TAh / I CUDIft inn wot LILY TO Ml IN C.HARl F.S G RODIN I Mi iNCRLDIBLf. S Written by JANL WAGNf.R Musk by SU/Af Executive Producer jANF: WAGNLR Directed b Read the JOVT: Book Copyright 1980 by Ui nin iikiir*irir*c' LJUy PSILflfclfc (3 ond SflLOOnl 1 U 11 I ?T llK, WT . T - H . T 1 T s KN EPIC COMEDY CE AN INCH) V A r~*\ f klNG -IAN J N! D ftf-Af! Y A LIJ A Production HRINKING WOMAN ' sINf: CIANI Produced by HANK MOONJf AN y JOEL SCHUMACHER A UNIVERSAL PICTURE City Studios. Inc