University of South Carolina Libraries
Fife 13 AS we all know, the president-elect of the United States is washpH.nn apfnr Ronald Heagan. We also know that the former California governor was elected by a bunch of elite, rich war-lovers, who would like nothing better than to see our red-blooded, freckled-faced young men fight a war somewhere in the Middle ftast bccause some sheik in a no-name desert hurt our feelings by referring to our president as "Grandpa Reagan." Here is a forecast of a future day in the life of our future president in about a year. NOVEMBER 4, 1981, WHITE HOUSE, SANTA BARBARA, CALIFORNIA 6:00 a.m. - Wake-UD call for President Reagan. 6:30 a. m. - Second wake-up call for Mr. President. 7:00 a.m. - Third wake-up call. 7:15 a.m. - Prez Reagan is up, a wheelchair at the ready. His two top advisors, Ms. Bette Davis and Mr. Carv Grant, escort Mr. Reagan to the White House Beauty Parlor, where he is : i f ?_ _ r * i reueivcu ior nis lirsi wasn and tint of the day. 8:15 a.m. - The president is returned to his bedroom for an hour nap. 9:30 - Morning showing of "The Knute Rockne Story." Reagan is propped up in a director's chair. He is Thrvrn in Mr. Jimmy Stewart, secretary of state, Mr. Orson Welles, secretary of defense and Mr. Ben Gazzara, secretary of the navy, apggggyg BBSS 0MSB BflMH K3E9H !' ? 1.1 I Cnwim Downtown Ctmpv< md S I)(* I i \ *( *ry I l( )i ^ Sun.-'I hui's. Hum-? [( In. Sui ium-1 HHL! f v.?-r;"-~' j rr4''^ - ^ i mt I mm Mto? fey i plaud lightly, commenting on how Reagan only looks 53 years old. "Let's get the government off our backs," the president is heard to mutter. 10:15 a.m. - Breakfast consists of prune juice, applesauce, strained bacon and runny eggs. 10:18 a.m. - Return to bedroom for president's teeth. A top aide grabs the Groom and Clean, along with several hair brushes. 12:15 p.m. - Breakfast is half over. Nap time. Reagan retires to the bedroom for an afternoon showing of "Bedtime for Bonzo." He is clad in pajamas with feet in them. He is given a hair cut with a pair of pliers. 1:15 p.m. - A leisurely stroll in the study. Reagan walks around in circles, gets dizzy, calls for an outbreak of war with Canada and passes out. 1:45 p.m. - The president is briefed on the affairs of the world by his top economic advisors, Flipper, Benji. ,Lassie and a stuffed Morris the cat. "Where's Trigger?" yells an angry ex governor, "lie's the one that does the math." Reagan is given a tranquilizer and told it will cure his wrinkles. He settles down to deciding the fate of the United States. 2:00 p.m. - President Reagan is taken out in his wheelchair onto the front lawn of the White House by George Bush Reagan says ne would liKe 10 nave the White House moved to Dixon, Illinois. He is given another tranquilizer. Bush is planning ahead to meet with I2in< Large SEESfflH 2 >u"ound>ng Aftit lis s. lie Inij^hi iiiin ????????pi [ IH m * m M?. ^H|pwij|pyr Hjl ?m mmmmMm ?<<W .< Hffik pfatte Chinese leaders in Peking. His biggest concern is what he is going to wear. 2:20 D.m. - Nap time for the president. He is escorted by Supreme Court Justice Jane Fonda. She tells him that the starvation of the people in Cambodia is worsening. Reagan asks where Cambodia is. Fonda tells him to forget about it. Reagan guesses that Cambodia is somewhere in the South Bronx. 2:30 p.m. - Reagan is given an update as to how many of his movies are being played throughout the United States. Adviser Jerry Lewis tells him that some of the films arc now being shown in Iran. Reagan laughs and says he is not fooled. He bombed Iran off the face of the earth two weeks earlier. 3:30 p.m. - Reagan signs bills into law. The first is one to destroy all plants and trees as a determent to air pollution. The second is an allocation of $25 million to the Actor's Guild, giving them a right to strike unless they receive a one million dollar bonus for every motion picture they perform in. Reagan falls asleep during the third bill. The next 67 bills are made law with the forging techniques of Richard Nixon, Reagan's press secretary. One of the bills makes Nixon a vice president and proclaims bowling as America's favorite pastime. 4:00 p.m. - An urgent message is received bv Reagan over the White House hot line. The Soviet Union has decided to declare :h One item i gular sub & J 3 Soft Drink! .75 (tax included) | expires 11/20 | 765-0813 S 115 Assembly sr. S3 73 ?L war on Poland. Reagan quickly calls George Burns. They reminisce about old times for an hour, Burns tells the president a few Polish jokes and Reagan forgets the matter. 5:00 p.m. - Nap time. Reagan dreams about a massive nuclear fleet of micsilnc linnHino (Y?r Pn<?r(n IlllUtJIIVlJ IIV/i? V* I ?{-) 1 V? A !?>/* v\? Rico. 5:30 p.m. - Daily tour of Universal studios. Reagan makes a few pictures and then buys $7,000 worth of souvenirs. When the tour bus drives over a stunt bridge, which is supposed to fall, Reagan screams and asks for Nancy. She's driving the tour bus. Reagan is saved and requests being driven to Hollywood Boulevard, where Glen Phillips, along wit f? C\ 21 Ladies' Man-made blue sa genuine diamond i 30% O White it's early, rui beautiful stOne-sei priced, on sale, sta women feature sta and cats-eye stones iy Sure, charge it; o Vylliioillldd. unci bll to prior sale. Upper I Phone 78C he looks for his star on the sidewalk. He, has his advisors look for three hours l -r ai r: i :? t :0 oeiore mt*y imu u. n ?? located off Hollywood Boulevard in a red light district of town. 9:00 p.m. - Almost bedtime. A showing of "Bedtime for Bonzo" and a final tint and wash of the president's hair. A quick call to relatives and family scattered throughout the country. Reagan is given a glass of warm milk and cookies shaped like parts of the i r^:r i oi?t? uimeu ouues. neagan says his prayers. He asks God to protect his family, acquaintences and hair stylist. He sleeps with his ever-clouded mind focused on obscurity. Ihi^ h hie har-tH m/i'/Z norfnrm A/ni/ ,, V?.W * v WWW # Wff ff# ? !/ f 5% to 40% OF M M Man's nnhire and Ti r> .lywi!./? ing Reg $125 IFF $87.50 n rings around your Holiday ring from Keepsake Diamonc rting at $49.95, gorgeous i r sapphires in blue and bla< ; - some with diamonds - all v r use our comfortable lay u& i>io vol i tutil i yj ! auKJ. opt ;cusdi HnmhwannMMHMi DIAMOND CENTER .ovel, Center Court, Columbi { 9640 Open 10 am 'til 3 pm JazzFest from page 8 flute) have performed together since 1974. Both musicians received clasical training at an early age and went through a variety of stylistic transitions while developing as musicians. The third member of the band, Bruce Kaminsky (acoustic, electric bass) was a performer in Philadelphia who had done studio session work prior to joining Innersections. Innersections has released one album. Jazz Fest is a coordinated effort by Contemporary Sounds with the USC Cultural Series, the Quarter Moon and USC's music department. . 10 in the Golden Spur. CI s F! If i and diamond ring Reg $650 40%OPF$3GO ' shopping with a J Center. Sensibly" rings for men and ! zk; genuine opals j! vith class! Credit? I -away plan until \\ citic unyb | u. I a Mall ; Mon Sat