The gamecock. (Columbia, S.C.) 1908-2006, November 07, 1980, Page Page 10, Image 10
Fife 13
AS we all know, the
president-elect of the United
States is washpH.nn apfnr
Ronald Heagan. We also
know that the former
California governor was
elected by a bunch of elite,
rich war-lovers, who would
like nothing better than to
see our red-blooded,
freckled-faced young men
fight a war somewhere in the
Middle ftast bccause some
sheik in a no-name desert
hurt our feelings by
referring to our president as
"Grandpa Reagan."
Here is a forecast of a
future day in the life of our
future president in about a
year.
NOVEMBER 4, 1981,
WHITE HOUSE, SANTA
BARBARA, CALIFORNIA
6:00 a.m. - Wake-UD call
for President Reagan.
6:30 a. m. - Second wake-up
call for Mr. President.
7:00 a.m. - Third wake-up
call.
7:15 a.m. - Prez Reagan is
up, a wheelchair at the
ready. His two top advisors,
Ms. Bette Davis and Mr.
Carv Grant, escort Mr.
Reagan to the White House
Beauty Parlor, where he is
: i f ?_ _ r * i
reueivcu ior nis lirsi wasn
and tint of the day.
8:15 a.m. - The president
is returned to his bedroom
for an hour nap.
9:30 - Morning showing of
"The Knute Rockne Story."
Reagan is propped up in a
director's chair. He is
Thrvrn in
Mr. Jimmy Stewart,
secretary of state, Mr. Orson
Welles, secretary of defense
and Mr. Ben Gazzara,
secretary of the navy, apggggyg
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plaud lightly, commenting
on how Reagan only looks 53
years old. "Let's get the
government off our backs,"
the president is heard to
mutter.
10:15 a.m. - Breakfast
consists of prune juice,
applesauce, strained bacon
and runny eggs.
10:18 a.m. - Return to
bedroom for president's
teeth. A top aide grabs the
Groom and Clean, along with
several hair brushes.
12:15 p.m. - Breakfast is
half over. Nap time. Reagan
retires to the bedroom for an
afternoon showing of
"Bedtime for Bonzo." He is
clad in pajamas with feet in
them. He is given a hair cut
with a pair of pliers.
1:15 p.m. - A leisurely
stroll in the study. Reagan
walks around in circles, gets
dizzy, calls for an outbreak
of war with Canada and
passes out.
1:45 p.m. - The president is
briefed on the affairs of the
world by his top economic
advisors, Flipper, Benji.
,Lassie and a stuffed Morris
the cat. "Where's Trigger?"
yells an angry ex governor,
"lie's the one that does the
math." Reagan is given a
tranquilizer and told it will
cure his wrinkles. He settles
down to deciding the fate of
the United States.
2:00 p.m. - President
Reagan is taken out in his
wheelchair onto the front
lawn of the White House by
George Bush Reagan says
ne would liKe 10 nave the
White House moved to
Dixon, Illinois. He is given
another tranquilizer. Bush is
planning ahead to meet with
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His biggest concern is what
he is going to wear.
2:20 D.m. - Nap time for
the president. He is escorted
by Supreme Court Justice
Jane Fonda. She tells him
that the starvation of the
people in Cambodia is
worsening. Reagan asks
where Cambodia is. Fonda
tells him to forget about it.
Reagan guesses that
Cambodia is somewhere in
the South Bronx.
2:30 p.m. - Reagan is given
an update as to how many of
his movies are being played
throughout the United
States. Adviser Jerry Lewis
tells him that some of the
films arc now being shown in
Iran. Reagan laughs and
says he is not fooled. He
bombed Iran off the face of
the earth two weeks earlier.
3:30 p.m. - Reagan signs
bills into law. The first is one
to destroy all plants and
trees as a determent to air
pollution. The second is an
allocation of $25 million to
the Actor's Guild, giving
them a right to strike unless
they receive a one million
dollar bonus for every
motion picture they perform
in. Reagan falls asleep
during the third bill. The
next 67 bills are made law
with the forging techniques
of Richard Nixon, Reagan's
press secretary. One of the
bills makes Nixon a vice
president and proclaims
bowling as America's favorite
pastime.
4:00 p.m. - An urgent
message is received bv
Reagan over the White
House hot line. The Soviet
Union has decided to declare
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war on Poland. Reagan
quickly calls George Burns.
They reminisce about old
times for an hour, Burns
tells the president a few
Polish jokes and Reagan
forgets the matter.
5:00 p.m. - Nap time.
Reagan dreams about a
massive nuclear fleet of
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Rico.
5:30 p.m. - Daily tour of
Universal studios. Reagan
makes a few pictures and
then buys $7,000 worth of
souvenirs. When the tour bus
drives over a stunt bridge,
which is supposed to fall,
Reagan screams and asks
for Nancy. She's driving the
tour bus. Reagan is saved
and requests being driven to
Hollywood Boulevard, where
Glen Phillips, along wit
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he looks for his star on the
sidewalk. He, has his advisors
look for three hours
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located off Hollywood
Boulevard in a red light
district of town.
9:00 p.m. - Almost bedtime.
A showing of "Bedtime
for Bonzo" and a final tint
and wash of the president's
hair. A quick call to relatives
and family scattered
throughout the country.
Reagan is given a glass of
warm milk and cookies
shaped like parts of the
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uimeu ouues. neagan says
his prayers. He asks God to
protect his family,
acquaintences and hair
stylist. He sleeps with his
ever-clouded mind focused
on obscurity.
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.ovel, Center Court, Columbi
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JazzFest
from page 8
flute) have performed
together since 1974. Both
musicians received clasical
training at an early age and
went through a variety of
stylistic transitions while
developing as musicians.
The third member of the
band, Bruce Kaminsky
(acoustic, electric bass) was
a performer in Philadelphia
who had done studio session
work prior to joining Innersections.
Innersections has released
one album.
Jazz Fest is a
coordinated effort by Contemporary
Sounds with the
USC Cultural Series, the
Quarter Moon and USC's
music department.
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