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A h^t JTL UVL Satire By Brian Duncan Editorial Pag# Editor With Skylab's slow but inAirif oKIn ^ iii^vnauic ucsccui llllU nit; earth's atmosphere, baffled NSAS scientists wait in limbo for huge pieces of the satellite debris to plummet into mstory. rne GAMECOCK senior editorial staff felt its readers would be interested to know how hypothetical (though strangely familiar) USC officials might respond t n tho nimcf inn UfU A T Tl? KW ktiv vjuvoLiuil, IT 11 rv A 11' SKYLAB CRASHES AT use? ?Pritchard Warts, associate vice president of Residue Life Services: "We cimnli; lirrrvii M/\f V> r OlllipiJ VYUU1U llUl liavc 1UU111 to house it on campus. As you know, there is a limited amount of space, even during the summer. Besides, it isn't included on our list of those who've oaid the required $100 nonrefundable fee. Now if we could convert it into an On letters The GAMECOCK welcomes letters from its readers. Letters snouid be a maximum of 300 words and must be signed with the writer's correct name, telephone, mailing address, class standing ; and major. Pseudonyms are unacceptable, but the writer's name may be withheld by request if circumstances warrant. We reserve the right to edit letters for AHrlrncc lotforc (a- fimmip . . iv.v.1 IVUVI o ivy . vuilipuo opinion. The GAMECOCK. Drawer A. USC. Columbia, S.C. 29208. : flamecock ; rounOfM' 1 908 , Tom Travis Editor in Chief Leigh Grogan Copy Oesk Chie* | Ron Stokes . . News Editor Brett Friedlander Sports Editor David Baker Entertainment Editor | Stephen McConrtack . Graphics Editor Brian Duncan Editorial Page Eiiitr.i Janice Wood Graduate Assistant Jill Griffin Advertising Manager Fran George Production Manager Jon Clemmensen General Manager I c;..,, M, k.-. R.,c,r.<icc Md.K Ethrukio Jr. Adviser Newsroom 77 7-/181 Advertising '7? 4?49 Business (Jffire 111 t888 Sole reproduction riqhts granted to the Associated f'l'ss All other material contained herein mnv not he reprinted without the permission ol the editor Opinions expressed in the Gamecock are those, if signed, of tfie writer and, if unsigned, of the senior editorial staff ofSkylah efficiency apartment. . . ?Penny Taker, dictator of parking and motor vehicle restrictions: "Actually, planning for such an event has been underway for some time now. We ve negotiated with NASA about the possibility of selling them commuter parking decals, but we made it perfectly clear that such an arrangement would A, ? i. A 1 _ not guarantee inem a space, only a hunting license (ha ha)." ?Dim Carlight, football coach?: 'This is THE year for Carolina football. I mean, we've got ex penencea oanpiayers, tne best facilities, great fans. We ? (yea yea coach, but what about Skylab? You know, the 'ol dive play?) Yes of course. Now where was I? Say, did you know before I came to Carolina my record was..." ?Bricks Crunibleton, vice president of alterations: "A big chunk of the^hing, one that could be worked with, might very well De tne means to end our Green(e) Street problem. I've proposed closing Green(e) Street and the construction of a Russell House Mall for a long time. Aft/All^ i I-Wm T r trash If only the junk would eras! right beside the ob A T 1 4 ? ? * 1 servatory. just ininK 01 it. J two ton tangled piece o space rejection would giv< us the beginnings for ; debris mall, debris gar dens, debris monuments debris, debris, debris . . . 1 sort of look at the future, a it were." ?Fed McGranuals, US< representative of AWFU1 food services: "Oh, I thinl : t 1 j 1 A ? 1 T n wuuiu ue jusi granu. 1 cai see it now, Sky lab specials Skylab leftovers. Of coursi we could be more practica and mold one-hundrei pound trays from it. Tha ought to stop the littl buggers from being stolen.' ?Slim Boldertan, US( Precedent: "We woul< welcome the crash o Skylab here at USC. I would be yet another smasl success in our quest fo national and internationa recognition. Dignatarie would swarm like flies Why, just the other day Anwar was saying. As I packed my pen am pad away, contemplatinj the things I heard, couldn't help but think ther IS a place for everything. Someone should tel Sky lab! ii use acj ; move to f if r Increased enrollment projec a nons ana me rising scores or applicants present USC as an institution that is academically "on ? the move." S Although a recent national survey determined higher . J . J 1 1 11 A 7 eaucanonai enrollment is declining, projected enrollment for k USC this fall is up 4.5 percent. This n may be attributed to various factors, the most important being '' the wide range of truly quality e instruction offered at USC. 1 r] ' The School of Business Ad1 ministration is by far one of the 6 best in the country, and the Engineering department has 2 gained national recognition. The ^ English program is continually r improving, and a revised gram* mar test, to be used this fall, t should provide a better evaluation h of freshman writing skills and p improve the oHentation to college i level composition. s The USC School of Journalism has produced numerous leaders in ' the media field. This, combined with a highly respected faculty, d places the school among the top ten g in the country. I e The department of Government 1 and International Studies and the History department both provide excellent curriculums and honored faculty. And, the list goes on. w I kP ~ liLJw |4V L '"Vn .> idemics orefront The S C. Honors College has made great strides toward raising the level of higher education in South Carolina. Scholastic Aptitude Tests (SAT) scores reflect the rising quality of USC applicants. More than 300 students with projected scores of 1200 and higher are expected to attend USC this fall. This is an increase of over 200 percent since 1976. Freshman admissions has actively recruited students who 1 -J - A. 1 - I wuuiu omerwise nave pursued their college education at schools such as Princeton, Yale, and other academically outstanding institutions. New scholarship programs are also attracting many well-qualified applicants. Campus visits by foreign and domestic dignitaries have ureatlv enhanced USC's reputation. Events such as the recent visit of UN Secretary General Kurt Waldheim help make the university, as well as the state, highly visible in world affairs. USC is rapidly becoming a leader in academics, and thp educational opportunities have vastly improved from those of just a few years ago. The Gamecock is encouraged by the recent trend toward establishing academic excellence at what was once jokingly referred to as a "party school." N\ O .... kODO/7lAL?( I t ?