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m 1 v_xna ci Satire by Don Fobes It's the real thing. U.S.-Sino relations, already on the upswing, are purportedly in high gear since China nas Decome a major market for Coke. A highly informed U.S. source i assured this reporter that the ChinaCoke connection can't miss:4 'It's made to order. The trademark colors of Coke are red and white, just like Mao posters. We even have a promo devised for our comrades ? 'Coke is the classless cola.' Can you imagine 800,000,000 gooks (his words) guzzling Coke!" A Chinese authority hnhhi#?H nv*?r "We rike Coca-cora. It's the rear thing." Where diplomacy has so often fizzled, soda promises to sparkle. Already political writers have dubbed the new entente, "a carbonated coup." As effervescent as these officials are, there is a flat taste apparent in Russia. "All an imperialist pop plot," Brezhnev's right-hand man assured me via telephone. "Everybody knows we A. 1 - 1 " * mweiiieu ^oKe. ureeay U.S. capitalists only concerned with gaining concessions at ping-pong matches." I thought that a backhanded thing to j "Gaij ; On letters I The Gamecock welcomes letters from its readers. Letters should be a maximum of 300 words and must be signed with the writer's correct name, telephone, mailing address, class standing and major. Pseudonums are unacceptable, but the writer's name may be withheld t by request if circumstances warrant, we reserve tne right to gri edit letters for space. Address letters to: Campus opinion, The Gamecock, Drawer A, USC, Columbia, S.C. 29208. flarmecock ~ Founded 1908 1 Mark J. Lundgren Editor in Chief I | Don Fobes Copy Desk Chief Tom Travis News Editor ?* David Baker Entertainment Editor Brett Friedlander Sports Editor j Dave Roback Graphics Editor j Barbara Mathews Wire Editor Jim Phillips Editorial Page Editor >*4 Leigh Grogan Assistant News Editor Lehman Stiles. Assistant Entertainment Ed. I? Mike Chibbaro Asst. Sports Editor j Janice Wood Graduate Assistant j. Jill Griffin Advertising Manager Fran George Production Manager To the Jon Clemmensen General Manager . . . I just SamMcKee Business Manager interestil Mark Ethrldge Jr. Adviser Wade Ht took exc Sole reproduction rights granted to the the first Associated Press. All other material con QV A IIV/O tVI talned herein may not be reprinted without . the permission of the editor. 8Cme8l6I him. Not Opinions expressed In the Gamecock are Hrill at I those. If signed, of the writer and. If un- uriu ai signed, of the senior editorial staff. serve lit seems to isis' con] say, but listened politely as Brezhne^ boy continued to serve notice: "A there's one thing I haven't mention< You think those rriimmv fhinlrc (\ words) and Coke are a big deal, hu Brother, you're in Stalinland, ooj Leninland, now. I never sa Stalinland, got me? We don't me around ? just ask a Czech or a Pol You understand?" "Da. I mean yes." In Russia transactions, I must explain, one ten to become rather "dada." It's very bi form to be a nvetnik. Brezhnev's boob resumed: "'Cause like your voice, I'm going to tell y< something strictly the record off. Oke dokey?" "Da. Da." "Pepski." "Huh?" "We're getting the Pepski coi cession." "You mean Pepsi?" "Da, Pepski. 'Pepski's th Proletariat pick.' Not bad, huh?" "Yeah, I mean da. Except, how wi you keep it from freezing in Siberia? "What's a Siberia? Ain't no sue place in Russia, got me?" "Sure, sure. How are you handlin ,l?n >> tuc pi uiuuiiuildl dllglC f Qof^ingten. (&Gajnecoc.k '7*f False calls c tiitor: coming the r exam. But I finished reading a very pertain to th ig letter by David S. Hampton, but bout a fire drill held at the drills" that 1 impton. It seems Torrey Bates House eption with the fact that see I'm a fire: ; fire drill of the fall the students was held at the end of the two dorms ir and I ouittf* narpp u/ith tWntf t* r ? -J ? W r* 1MB Vlllim UIV 11 only does holding the fire nothing bette the end of the semester i morning than tie or no purpose but it pulling false i take on a sinister motive not everyone fronts comr v's "We got that the bag in. Pictures of an nd Russian tractor operators with Pepski tei id. in one hand, wiping sweat with the iili lis other. Maybe get new flag. Sickle, re h? hammer and Pepski. Our comrade' in i i ? ^ js, worKer, now you say, joe Average, can pu id afford six-pack with only two-month th< sss pay." le, "Thanks for the scoop. Gotta run. he Say hi to Leonid for me." ful an 4'Da. Remember: no Siberia, no ab ds Stalin." re; ad "Da, bye." ] ^As of this writing, things bode ill. ba ; i mere are rumors, unconfirmed at ha 3u present, that the Chinese have busted th< y- millions of Coke bottles and scattered scl them atop their Great Wall for defense wii purposes. Th Cans and bottles have been reported me flying through the air near the Russian- vei n- Chinese border, as hostilities mount, be1 Bootlegged Coke is on the rise in Russia, and in China increasing l le amount of contraband Pepsi have been tin i . -i connscaiea. Co 11 Each nation proclaims its soft drink Se1 ' superior. In Russia there's a new an h mixed drink, a runaway favorite called far Pepska ? a combination of Pepsi and pla ig Vodka. bei Both China and Russia are faced with big jar r ilarm Columbi light before the first pulling all these false alarm this letter does not someone is doing it regular! e fire drill at Wade it's no game. rather a rash of "fire I know what it's like livinj lave taken place at dorm. I attended rnmiino , ? ? ??vMivium and Bates West. You realize how you get carried , man in Columbia and blown away would probab who reside in these more descriptive, to the i particular seem to whereanything goes. I've re department has there, if you pardon the clichi r to do at 2 in the even been known to go back play games, namely time to time. At the same t alarms. I'm sure it's also know all too well what it1 at these dorms that's to have been at work for 18 nunists i unheard of situation: a cola counrmovement. Those Chinese who've icitly swilled Pepsi have formed a irnlntinnarv narlro Hotarmina^ r vAvtvkx/jitUJi J VHVU V VlVlfVt A A A11 iVVl IV /ade the Soviet Union for the sole rpose of Pepski pilfering. In Russia, e converse holds true. As bad feelings rise and tensions ighten, no one feels secure about the ture. All that U.S. officials will admit out the impending crisis is: "It's the al thing." President Carter, despite his Georgia ckground and Atlanta ties, claims he s no bias for Coke. In fact, because of 5 international implications, he's leduled a three-way summit meeting th top brass from China and Russia, e beverage to be served at the ieting ? Dr. Pepper. Carter ferntly hopes the choice of this verage isn't misunderstood. further disquietening news, this le from Cuba. It appears the mmunist Island is angling for the ven-Up trade. With all the furor )used between Coke and Pepsi latics, speculation has it that Fidel's tying it cool with the UnCola. The 1 1 T"* ? _1 * * " aruea nea saia: "it goes good with a ; cigar." d ik &/// I /\ .. ' J liilnitDlliJiJl. 11V lA/k !}& ia fireman s, but and after having made seven or y and eight runs, caught several fires, finally fall into bed at 1:30 a.m. g in a when ... Bong ... Bong ... here , and comes the fire box at Bates House awav. or Rntpe Woo* 41 ? , VM.vu II vo?. VII niliCU UlUBl UI U1C ly be fires we go to are not in the point 'Towering Inferno" class, but they been are fires and they tax your eni. I've durance the same as all the other from emergencies we answer do. And ime I contrary to popular belief at the s like , fire station not all the children in hours Sce ALARMS, page 15