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The 'S Ry ARTIIUR IIOPPE' Columnist Being a little on the shorts, I decided to write a bestseller. It isn't difficult. You simply study the current literary tastes of American by reading the best seller lists. Then you write one. Mine was entitled, "The Son of Sensuous Woman & Sensuous Man." It was about this kid who Bar 5 Minute I Beer Gamecock Happy Hour Miller Draft Beer 64oz Pitcher 1.25 Frosty Mug 20t "A MDUICTI TfElSu BI slefam Kan, T, Ngwswek i "hhmCN .?inImGFa, TH I -iem -Joy Wd woUnUdL Sw SHOWSmme tu:b 1:0- 3 - . -Cad Chao* ensu ou was hung up on whipped cream. But my publisher, Graspar Grommet, rejected it. 'The American public doesn't want to read about the wages of sin," he explained. "Sin alone is good enough for them." I changed the title to "The Sensuous Grandfather." It's about this older gentleman who turns young ladies on by squirting koot's izza House Pizza Midget (Plain-6") 65t Medium (Plain-li") $1.35 Large (Plain-15") $2.25 "across from USC Honeycombs" 621 Main Street 0E TIlE?! IRUE spiel! MRe to Os dn 1WHtU1" WeA MagalM* IIHKAIVAZTL! dn d dafit sWpea" Zr iiuv* @E "Umim W Ie iW-T4.v. iga m/ CUPOee Angels Times N. Y. Tims .A. Tim. IZIOLD!" ated Celumaalt (URIOUS LliCMABNOW s Grani whipped cream in their ears. "Great!" cried Grommet. But put in some technical information. People are embarrassed to buy a book that appeals solely to lust." So I included some diagrams of ear lobes and Eustachian tubes and called it, "All You Wanted to KnnoW about Sensuous Grand fathers, but Were Afraid to Ask." Grommet was happy. "You've nailed the lust market," he said. "But what about gluttony? Cook books sell like crepe suzettes." I had the grandfather squirt only half the whipped cream in the young lady's ear. With the other half. he created Meringue a la Peoria and other exciting recipes. "Now," said Grommet, rubbing his hands, "if you can work in some fear. Look at 'Unsafe at Any Speed' or 'Future Shock.' Show me a book that scares you out of your wits and I'll show you a best seller." Again I rewrote. Now the The Gutenberg ex Carolir By HARRY HOPE Columnist Inter-office Memo From: The Administration To: All peasants, peons and plebeians in Administration, faculty and staff Subject: Enemy attack It has come to our attention that certain subversive elements in this country and other nations are seeking to destroy the American system through thoughtless atomic violence. Naturally, if this great nation is attacked, this university will be one of the first places bombed, since we have our fabulous coliseum and all that valuable carpeting in our stadium, and of course, those dirty Reds will want to get our athletic director, since he will serve as a most valuable political hostage. II enemy attack is imminent, you will follow these instructions: I) Notify your superior that you are leaving, and punch out. - Special Engagement! Starts TODAY..' Please note feature times Two Shows Daily~ - - at Box office OPENS 2 p.m. & 8 p.m. For special peup shewinsgs Cali Sarah hiamend-77-3735 (I ,JEPPrE48tDN dfa ther grandfather squirted whipped cream from an aerosol can that could blow up at any minute while riding in a car with dangerously defective windshield wipers. He was a symbol of our decaying civilisation, (cq) spelled with an S. Grommet frowned. "But will the reader be better off financially for buying this book? No, he'll just be out $6.95. You've got to tell him how to get rich while he's waiting for the end of the world. Greed, that's what sells." "If I knew how to get rich," I said glumly, "I wouldn't have to slave away at the typewriter telling people how to do it." But the revisions were worth it. The grandfather's now a stock broker who drops tips on how he turned $3.98 into one of America's great fortunes. L mailed the manuscript to Grommet and confidently dropped by later, expecting to pick up a fat check. He was scowling. penment ia bomb Do not remain in the offices. Your paycheck will be forwarded by university postal system. 3) You will not need to bring lunches. University Dining Ser vices will supply all meals while you are in the bomb shelters. Of course, there will be a 10 per cent price increase. 4) University employees will not be permitted to bring extra baggage into the bomb shelters. rhis also applies to students-in short, students will not be allowed to reside in the bomb shelters during enemy attack. Most of them are Com mie sympathizers anyway. All they want to do is to destroy this university and all it stands for. 5) Before entering bomb shelters, make sure you have locked your office, turned out your lights, shut off your - electric typewriters, hidden all money, disconnected all coffee pots, cleaned out all drawers, dispat ched all memos for the day and -Wanda Hale, New "RICH AND REWARDIl ENTHRALLING!" -Judith Crist. New York Magazine . COLUMBIA PICTURES presents an IRVING ALLEN PRODUCTION RICHARD HARRIS GI4NNESS outli Carolina's Fl...e_alwi. ULVAreen "Do you think we publishers cater only to lust, gluttony, fear and greed? "he said angrily. "The fact that 'Love Story' is the number one bestseller proves we appeal as well to the finer instincts in the reading public - like mawkish sentimentality." So I stole the best scene out of "Love Story." Grommet joyously says we've now got a runaway bestseller on our hands -- one that captures the essence of current American literary taste. Watch for it. It's called, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sensuous Grand fathers who Enjoy French Cooking in Their Unsafe Cars while Making a Million in the Stock Market in Their Spare Time as the World Goes to Pot but Were Afraid to Ask. In the end, the girl dies. (Copyright Chronicle Publishing Co. 1971) shelters returned all library books. Omission of any of these duties will result in disdiplinary action. 6) Women will not be permitted to wear pantsuits, men will not be permitted to wear shorts and no one will be permitted to go barefooted at any time in the bomb shelter. 7) No one will be permitted to enter bomb shelters until enemy planes, fallout or- enemy guerilla forces are at least two miles away from the large chimney at the Horseshoe. We must maintain decorum and carry on university business until the last possible moment. 8) A special force will be detailed in advance of the attack to defend the campus from invaders. After all, if we could do it against Sherman we certainly can beat off a bunch of lousy Commies. 9) Any foreign agents, double or otherwise, will be shot on sight by special agents of the athletic department. York Daily News mmmm.me Nsme . /IIN. A W