The gamecock. (Columbia, S.C.) 1908-2006, April 21, 1971, Page Page 3, Image 3
The 'S
Ry ARTIIUR IIOPPE'
Columnist
Being a little on the shorts, I
decided to write a bestseller. It
isn't difficult. You simply study the
current literary tastes of
American by reading the best
seller lists. Then you write one.
Mine was entitled, "The Son of
Sensuous Woman & Sensuous
Man." It was about this kid who
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was hung up on whipped cream.
But my publisher, Graspar
Grommet, rejected it.
'The American public doesn't
want to read about the wages of
sin," he explained. "Sin alone is
good enough for them."
I changed the title to "The
Sensuous Grandfather." It's about
this older gentleman who turns
young ladies on by squirting
koot's
izza House
Pizza
Midget (Plain-6") 65t
Medium (Plain-li") $1.35
Large (Plain-15") $2.25
"across from USC
Honeycombs"
621 Main Street
0E TIlE?!
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IZIOLD!"
ated Celumaalt
(URIOUS
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s Grani
whipped cream in their ears.
"Great!" cried Grommet. But
put in some technical information.
People are embarrassed to buy a
book that appeals solely to lust."
So I included some diagrams of
ear lobes and Eustachian tubes
and called it, "All You Wanted to
KnnoW about Sensuous Grand
fathers, but Were Afraid to Ask."
Grommet was happy. "You've
nailed the lust market," he said.
"But what about gluttony? Cook
books sell like crepe suzettes."
I had the grandfather squirt only
half the whipped cream in the
young lady's ear. With the other
half. he created Meringue a la
Peoria and other exciting recipes.
"Now," said Grommet, rubbing
his hands, "if you can work in
some fear. Look at 'Unsafe at Any
Speed' or 'Future Shock.' Show me
a book that scares you out of your
wits and I'll show you a best
seller."
Again I rewrote. Now the
The Gutenberg ex
Carolir
By HARRY HOPE
Columnist
Inter-office Memo
From: The Administration
To: All peasants, peons and
plebeians in Administration,
faculty and staff
Subject: Enemy attack
It has come to our attention that
certain subversive elements in this
country and other nations are
seeking to destroy the American
system through thoughtless atomic
violence.
Naturally, if this great nation is
attacked, this university will be
one of the first places bombed,
since we have our fabulous
coliseum and all that valuable
carpeting in our stadium, and of
course, those dirty Reds will want
to get our athletic director, since
he will serve as a most valuable
political hostage.
II enemy attack is imminent, you
will follow these instructions:
I) Notify your superior that you
are leaving, and punch out.
- Special
Engagement!
Starts TODAY..'
Please note feature times
Two Shows Daily~ -
- at
Box office OPENS
2 p.m. & 8 p.m.
For special peup shewinsgs
Cali Sarah hiamend-77-3735 (I
,JEPPrE48tDN
dfa ther
grandfather squirted whipped
cream from an aerosol can that
could blow up at any minute while
riding in a car with dangerously
defective windshield wipers. He
was a symbol of our decaying
civilisation, (cq) spelled with an S.
Grommet frowned. "But will the
reader be better off financially for
buying this book? No, he'll just be
out $6.95. You've got to tell him
how to get rich while he's waiting
for the end of the world. Greed,
that's what sells."
"If I knew how to get rich," I
said glumly, "I wouldn't have to
slave away at the typewriter
telling people how to do it."
But the revisions were worth it.
The grandfather's now a stock
broker who drops tips on how he
turned $3.98 into one of America's
great fortunes.
L mailed the manuscript to
Grommet and confidently dropped
by later, expecting to pick up a fat
check. He was scowling.
penment
ia bomb
Do not remain in the offices.
Your paycheck will be forwarded
by university postal system.
3) You will not need to bring
lunches. University Dining Ser
vices will supply all meals while
you are in the bomb shelters. Of
course, there will be a 10 per cent
price increase.
4) University employees will not
be permitted to bring extra
baggage into the bomb shelters.
rhis also applies to students-in
short, students will not be allowed
to reside in the bomb shelters
during enemy attack. Most of them
are Com mie sympathizers
anyway. All they want to do is to
destroy this university and all it
stands for.
5) Before entering bomb
shelters, make sure you have
locked your office, turned out your
lights, shut off your - electric
typewriters, hidden all money,
disconnected all coffee pots,
cleaned out all drawers, dispat
ched all memos for the day and
-Wanda Hale, New
"RICH AND REWARDIl
ENTHRALLING!"
-Judith Crist. New York Magazine .
COLUMBIA PICTURES
presents an
IRVING ALLEN
PRODUCTION
RICHARD
HARRIS
GI4NNESS
outli Carolina's Fl...e_alwi. ULVAreen
"Do you think we publishers
cater only to lust, gluttony, fear
and greed? "he said angrily. "The
fact that 'Love Story' is the
number one bestseller proves we
appeal as well to the finer instincts
in the reading public - like
mawkish sentimentality."
So I stole the best scene out of
"Love Story." Grommet joyously
says we've now got a runaway
bestseller on our hands -- one that
captures the essence of current
American literary taste.
Watch for it. It's called,
"Everything You Always Wanted
to Know about Sensuous Grand
fathers who Enjoy French Cooking
in Their Unsafe Cars while Making
a Million in the Stock Market in
Their Spare Time as the World
Goes to Pot but Were Afraid to
Ask.
In the end, the girl dies.
(Copyright Chronicle Publishing
Co. 1971)
shelters
returned all library books.
Omission of any of these duties will
result in disdiplinary action.
6) Women will not be permitted
to wear pantsuits, men will not be
permitted to wear shorts and no
one will be permitted to go
barefooted at any time in the bomb
shelter.
7) No one will be permitted to
enter bomb shelters until enemy
planes, fallout or- enemy guerilla
forces are at least two miles away
from the large chimney at the
Horseshoe. We must maintain
decorum and carry on university
business until the last possible
moment.
8) A special force will be detailed
in advance of the attack to defend
the campus from invaders. After
all, if we could do it against
Sherman we certainly can beat off
a bunch of lousy Commies.
9) Any foreign agents, double or
otherwise, will be shot on sight by
special agents of the athletic
department.
York Daily News
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/IIN. A W