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The Empty Bottle FOUNDED JANUARY 1, 1492 Senor Babcock Wilkins, First Editor Puhlished centenially by the Wilkin Family Entered as low class matter at Rum Oulley postoffice. January 1, 1492. Subscription rate-free with each purchase of Wilkins Family 1935 Member 1936 Aessocied Qoe6ikie Press Distributor of CoL1e,iate Di,est Sole and exclusi"e National Advertising Representatives National Advertising Service, Inc. 420 Madison Avenue, New York City. Chicago, Boston, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle. EXECUTIVE BOARD HAVILAH W ILKINS ................................................ ........Editor L. T. WILKINS, JR ................................................business Editor FRANCIS W. WILKINS ........................................managing Editor J. RION WILKINS ........................................................sports Editor GRACE CAMERON WILKINS ....................................society Editor MARGUERITE ABLES WILKINS ............ ........co-ed Editor GEORGE OLSON WILKINS ....................................circulation Editor oAPPERS Lord Calvert i.ibscome, Crab Orchard Erickson, Twelve Crown Murchison, Green Valley Davis, Golden Wedding Woods, Red Mule Baker, Old Quaker Ball, Paul Jones Clippard, Four Roses Hawkins, Seven Chimes Frierson, Bottoms Up Bell, Twelve horse 7?? McCall. BOTTLE W %SHERS Pink Elephant Hoy, Delirun Tremens Crow, Gin Fizz Undsay, Mint Julep Waterfall. APRIL 1, 1936 We're Sorry This Had To Happen "Hear ye, hear ye" our noble registrar Began his summons to the faculty Last evening, imploring all the profs To leave their wine and women And appear in the dread office. So they came From all directions, with Wildfire Coleman Setting a fast pace. Two tables, Four ash trays, one chair, two ink stands, Three tablets, and a sheaf of papers Were scattered to the winds By his arrival. You might believe This to be false, but several said The very floor of Chase's sanctum Was set smoking like a blowpot By his Mercurian entrance. Close on his heels Came Dr. Babcock, shambling along In his accustomed fashion, as if he had Nowhere to go, and cared but little If he ever got there. All others being present Or accounted for, the meeting started, and Sir Chase Set forth his business. "Some time ago," he stated, "I gave orders To Flinn Gilland, my assistant, To calculate the ages of our students. By some strange means best known to him He said in his report that one fair co-ed Had spent upon this earth No less than twenty-seven sumlers. I have found That she is twenty-six. The victim of this wrong Is Betty Horton, well known to all of yod, Distinguished for her stately mien And quiet wit. By this mistake My records are set awry, and my conscience hurts me so I cannot sleep at night. You gentlemen Have heard the evidence, so now determine What punishmuent to mete out To this offender." While Chase set forth his grievance There was one who listened not. Our fresh-exalted Colonel fell asleep, And as he dreamed, by some mischance His cigar fell beneath the chair Of Marshal Cantey, and ignited one Of the stray papers that were scattered By Wildfire's approach. In due course of time The paper caught, and wafted up To Mr. Cantey 's seat a steady flame. Feeling tile sudden heat, tihe worthy marshal Wondered where it came fromn, and pondered on The flame's intensity. Finding no way To get around it he reached down And quaffed the flame, handing the burnt paper To Mr. Chase, whlo tossed it out the window. All this activity awoke the Colonel, Who seemed undaunted by tihe accident And passed the whole thing off quite gracefully By firing up another of his stogies. But the marshal had an idea That his trousers were not in the best repair, But knowing that he would be forced to rise To estimate the damage, he decided To skip it, so there the matter rested. A vote was taken on the question Of fixing young Flinn's sentence, And he was allowed to stay in offiee With the understanding that another slip Would put him in the breadline. - Thus ends the meeting, this poem, and no doubt your patience. All who do not like this work of art Can go to hell. That's one redeeming feature Of a Yellow Sheet. The editor Can euss at leisure. I know as well as you That this was awful, but like Mark Twain Remarked about the weather "Whait can you do about it?f" An Eye To The Future Prompted by a survey of the more modernistic ed ucational policies on our more up-to-date American institutions, the Empty Bottle has decided that in the future it will offer the most candid remarks on its editorial policies. Beginning this move with this issue, we would set forth a few improvements that we need, not only for our scholastic improvement, but for the good of the physical well-being of our co-eds and sheiks. Now to get down to the relevant part of this dis sertation. Delving into the heart of these problems, we have inevitably arrived at the most poignant failing of this University. We are convinced that we lack, more than anything else-romance. Why all these sad-eyed, winsome maidens, why all these uninspired males, who turn to beer and hooch in vain endeavors to escape ennui. Should this deplorable condition exist, should the very flower of the south land wane for lack of its divine given prerogatives I No. It is our profound duty to remedy this inex cusable situation. We must have more moonlight, more soft music, softer divans, fewer chaperons, and no house mothers. If necessary, let us install in each building a machine that will act as a romance builder-upper, with a factory guarantee to produce the goods or your money back. The government would probably furnish the money for at least the initial payment on these contraptions, and the fu ture generations and worry about keeping them up, All we want is to get the, movement started on the right foot, and then let nature take its course. Take a couple on a balmy spring evening. They go into a frat house where no one is lurking around to get in their hair, and the machine starts its work. They sit there, and maybe lie there, and the music plays, and she sighs, and he wonders how he is going to get his laundry out the next day, but things get cozier, and he forgets his laundry, and she forgets to sigh. And just then the lights go out, and she remembers that her key is in her purse, and she will haye to scram. So that ends for the time being, but the memory lingers with them both, and sooner or later some romance is going to develop between the two. There is the fulfilment of our scheme. That's what we need; some inspiration, some method to bring the two to the right pitch for a starter, and from then on no one need worry about further developments. These things cannot be done with classes and other routine matters constantly breaking the chain of events. We must first dispose of them, then set about ironing out a system of romance-building. Consider the following picture. N With no incentive to egg him on, the average stu dent would gaze upon this, yawn, and turn the page. But after a course in romance, and the proper instruction from people who know, his curiosity will be piqued, and he will inquire of his roommate if he has ever seen the damsel in question. And if the course has beeni taught right, he will go furthcr than this, and take his hat, or somebody's hat, and venture forth to find somebody who does know the lady, or at least knows where she was last. This seems to be getting us nowhere fast, and we've all forgotten what this thing started out t< be, so let's just skip it. Hope you enjoyed it-we didn't enjoy writing this trash, but after all, we must produce, so there you are. Hats Off To Willie We have just received a financial statement fron the canteen management for the fiscal year. We take great pleasure in announcing that th4 profits this year will go well over the dollar mark Most of the credit for thme increase over last yeai is doubtless due to Willie the Ethiopean, whose shoi shines have sent the proceeds soaring. To Willie we extend heartiest congratulations and best wishei for a shining new year. Th le Student Council has approached Dr. Bakem about the disposal of the surplus funds, and aftei due consideration he has decided to make a pur chase that the University lhas been needing for long time. What makes us so proud is that the governmen didn't have to put up any dough for Carolina t< make this improvement. We (lid it with our littli shoe-shiner. The money will be spent to buy a bottom foi Marshal Cantey's chair. Poor man, lhe has beer forced to sit oni his desk so much that lhe is now ir dire need of a new desk too. But you can't get everything you want, and h< has agreed to stick to hi job ifth ch ,air i.s edu MATERNITY WARD Billy Goldberg takes a shot at Mr. Dionne's record and falls short . . . Better luck next time Billyl STYLE What the well-dressed gentle man should wear and how he should act were well displayed when Jim Dixon (above) strode into the 1'eshman tawl banquelt held at Forest Desert. This pic ture was taken before Dixon took off his coat, tie, shoes and shirt, and started to the Woman's Building. VETERAN One of the Veterans of Future Wars regretting that he spent his bonus in his youth. NOTICE Unless your bottle is empty, you can see that this is the picture of an old man with a long beard. If you can figure out what he's got to do with Carolina, you're better than we are, but you have our permission to start figuring. The Weasel' has suggested that we lable this as follows: "I mustache you to cut that off." But that is considerably below the standard of this paper, so we indignantly refused. You can't blame us for that. It smacks too much of Spot. Anyway, it's a gooiturem. Campus Camera. Bratton Davis, in all his glory OUR YEARLY HEALTH LESSON DON'T PUT PENCILS OR FINGERS IN YOUR \of MOUTH' USE COMMON DRINKING CUP OR - '"" - COUGHoS EZE INTO THE AIR TOWARDS OTHERS 0 ~ealth Lessons are published each year for the benefit of the Empty Bottle Readers DELTA ZETA OFFICERS I'* 4~