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__ NOTHING TO CROW OVER EMPTY BOTTLE IS STARING US IN THE FACE ao roo[. AP OO E E19unded By HMeUekah Wilkins Phoney ,1 Trite-Tripe By TRIBBLE Foiled Again!. A poet, Don't know it But this lousy sheet Is gooey With screwy Guys editing eet. They gripe So I type A respectable tale; They scan it, Then pan it, "Too frigid," thiy wail. I leave em And weave em A lyric that's hot; - They label The fable "Too torrid", so what? So I'm gonna Write on a Lamb Mary had, (For Mary Contrary To fiction, was bad 1) I'll sing Of the spring And I might take a whack At two -kids on a hill And a Jack that made Jill' And a Jill that made Jack. Epilogue in the bud Was this dud Nipped. So tonite Il be tite Ad"ppe . Retraction Don Causey, diminutive dude of den ement .19, wailed lotdly and lustily be cause of an item in last week's column to the effect that he was caught reviewing the advance showing of spring under wear in Mangel's window. In all fairness to the little shrimp, we must admit guilt to an illusion. Causey was not inspecting those new-fangled, ladies' unmentionables.' He was window shopping for a safety-pin and a square piece of white cloth I I. B. Drizzlepuss, sorryspondent No. 13, submits a premature brain child cap tioned: FIVE SHEETS IN THE WIND or He Done Her Wrong in Three Acts Act First Scene: The Dionne's cottage on the eve of the quins' birth. Mauma Dionne sits on the porch, smiling smugly, filled with her own importance. Enter Papa Dionne, singing "Too Late." Pappa Dionne: Whatcha doing tonite, toots? Mama Dionne: Oh, Papa! Papa Dionne: Come, come. .don't evade the issue! -Curtain, Act Later Scene: The same cottage. Dr. Dafoe walks wearily up to the front door. He knocks gently. Voice from within: Who's there? / Doc Dafoe: Special delivery. (He Is admitted) Mama Dionne: Oh, Doctor. I think something's wrong. Is my heart beating? Doc Dafoe: (listens to heart). Beat ing? Hell, woman, it's playing hop scotch!i Papa Dionne: Must have been those oysters.... Doc Dafoe: Quiet, man. We'll get money for that endorsement later. Ma:na Dionne: How long now, Doc? Doc Dafoe: About 15 minutes. Mama Dionne: A quarter till,-five, eh? Papa Dionne:. I feel terrible. I'd like to Dionne the spot. --Draw curtain quickly, before audience can lay an egg. Done Acted Scene: The bedroom. Papa Dionne: Whatcha got there, -mama? Mama Dionne: Dafoe-dils, papa!l Papa Dionne: Oh, mama! Ztma Dlonne: Oh, papa! inings Charming Girls Flustered By Enraged Dean During Strip Dance )assling Dancers Undaunted By Bradley's Breesy Bra*enness - Inmates of the Woman's Building talted their pirouetting ,in the climax ihase of a strip dance before a select rroup of male friends one night not so ong ago when Dean "Close Crop" Brad ey entered the lobby by means of his vell worn pass key. Since five of the former hen house vir tins are taking graduate work at Cat sland, only about 35 were twisting them elves into the spirit of the affair. This lidn't phase Bradley none though, he got ust as mad as he could. "What do you think I went through ollege by degrees for? What do you hink I won the World War for? What lo you think * bought my. dean job for ?" He took time out here for a few fren ried tears, and explained: "So's I could have me a harem like :his some day, and then just soon's I urn my back to kick my opposition out )f school, you concubines turn traitor. Have you no sense of ho'hor? Your in iincerity suffocates me. Woe is me." He iurveyed the motley crew, looked behind him to see that Bill Crisp didn't fry urn to a frazzle, and expostulated, "Aw Nertz." Extracting the salt from the remaining tear on his cheek, he dropped It down Bowers Parker's coat collar, and sashayed out the door, pocketing his pass cey with a futuristic smirk. A barren silence draped itself over the :rowd, also barren, or had you guessed? Paul R belot ivk c ai Bud Alexander, mnd-that must have started somepin. Any way all occupants of Wardlaw squirmed tround and looked at each other. And 'hen the Bell boys, from right near the War Memorial, came out of a clinch with 3rim Graham and looked around them. [t was still as quiet as a hen house after he dean has found all the feathers plucked. "On with the dance. Let joy be un onfined," Missed Graham thundered. But he girls heeded not. Quietly, sorrowfully, hey extracted their customary garb out )f a match box, and slithered upstairs. ' The boys all went home and pulled lown their shades (shades of night) leav ng their late companions with their natron to sleep sweet dreams. Photo of Dr. Baker, Diving into he new swimming pool, just be ore he croaked, liorged Rejection Slip Detected By Babcook All except one student flunked Given Name Babcock's short story writing :ourse this semester according to grades rntered in his red book at registration. Fhe reason is -'simply that the students w~ere required to show a certain number f rejection slips each before they could ass, but all magazines receiving contri utions forwarded checks instead. The tudent who didn't flunk was kicked out >f the class for making.a rejection slip f his own. "As long as I have been sending my seudonym to the trashiest of America's fashy, a student should know better than live me a bogus rejection slip. Why, you would think that I am not one of the iterati." He paused and reflected. "Sure I am. My ancestors way hack, yell not too far back, parked the May lower on Virginia's breast, and from hence to hence I have buffeted the storms >f life hither and yon one way or another sow and then. The bell rang. The students aroused stesw5 1dawed and out. Fuddle F Report That Nudists' Visit Begins Drive Professor Is Perturbed Fair Femmes Find French Friend \ Feeling Far From Friendly The quiet decorum of Pretty Boy Stephan's French class was suddenly c shattered yesterday when three visitors from a nearby nudist colony lost their bearings and strayed into the room. One of the students was heard to remark later r that Eve's fig leaf would have looked like I a wardrobe compared to the way the girls t were clad. For a moment after their entrance the room was quiet, as every body looked them over. Pretty Boy removed his monocle and polished it hastily, adjusted I it again, then tossed it out of the nearest window, evidently preferring to obscure the awful sight. Most of the boys gazed shamelessly at the fair figures; only Bob Johnson and Paul Gaffney seemed em- 1 barrassed, and they were gentlemen enough to slip quietly out of the back door, refusing ever since to make any observations in the incident. On be ing approached for an interview Johnson stated that he would "rather not say any thing about it," and Gaffney said that "it is no subject for a gentleman to dis cuss." However, other members of the class were not so reluctant to talk about it, and our reporter gathered a complete story of 1 what happened. It seems that some time last week Pretty Boy was giving French lessons to the member of the colony, and after classes ,j$e!a e for a while to nut his pupils. "tp .' chayferistic joking fashion he invited the girls to come to 1 see him sometime, and they decided to - take him up. "What's the matter, Lovey-Dovey ?", one of them pouted after the first few minutes. "Aren't you glad to see us?" Evidently the poor man was not, be cause he started motioning to the door and talking in a mixture of languages that no one could fathom. Meanwhile the other two were receiving quite a dif ferent reception in the back of the room where Charlie Aiken and William Carri gan were talking in languages anyone could understand, and talking fast. Be fore Stephan. could muster his forces and get the girls out, those two Valentino's t had dated the whole works up for weeks to come. Dean Bradley has announced that he will start a drive to remove this evil in fluence from the vicinity of the Univer sity. "We cannot have nusle women running around in our classes," he declared, "be cause, like Mary's little lamb, they make the children laugh and play." (Omenwede engs S dhan 5) SECR ETARY. SEL ECTS SQ L Selection of the yearly all-Carolina all-a time pass-out team was completed in Flinn Hall last night, according to a I statement by R. G. "Ding-dong" Belle, i executive secretary of I Tappa Keg, national sots fraternity. A big pass-out I game was scheduled for the 149th anni versary of the foundering of the organi zation but since all members of the teama were under the showers, the game was a post-poned until this year. The most spectacular play of the game, g Hot Man Bell announced, will probably I be a; heave, McDaniels to Carpenter, both i of these players being well experienced in the art of heaving and receiving. c To become a member of I Tappa Keg, I, First team Dicky Palmer ................................. William McDaniels ........................ Billie Goldberg ................................ Mack Watts...................................... John Nicholson ............................... B. L. Anderson (c)........................... I Gedney Horne.................................. I Nute Harmon................................ Speedy Spears ..............................1 Red Sullivan.....................................( Tony Panning..... rty-Foul Prof Blushes During Lecture On Immorality Because Of Question ary Whitaker Innocently In quires Into Secrets Of Facts Of Life Blushing prettily like a sixteen year old maiden at a truck driver's picnic, Dr. roft (Teahound) Williams, social hound xtraordinary, laid his charges on the nat the other A. M. with an illustrated ecture condemning immoral practices on he part of students while classes are in rogress. The outburst, begun when Mary Whit iker innocently inquired the origin of ittle puppies, came as a complete sur rise to the assembled students. "This classroom is in a hell of a :ondition," declared the irate prof. "I ear that it will soon become necessary :o install a red traffic light in order :o curb possible accidents." The, lecture was halted temporarily vhen J. P. Sullivan and Mary Culbertson tarted trucking up a storm directly in front of the lecturers nose. Continuing his tirade, Williams chal enged T. W. Evans and Harriet Lever o show cause why their promiscuous iecking should be longer permitted. Using post cards he had gathered while n Paree, he showed the class just what ie had seen while stttdy1ng the sexual problem in Europe. Jpck cawford broke ip the lecture when 1W btlted from the -oom and headed west. FOUND! The picture of the above was aken in order to locate the looser -the pair was found in front of he Woman's Dorm. If the per ion who l:st them will call by the Postofice, Mrs. Moon will be glad o return them to the rightful >wner. The Empty Bottle takes his opportunity of censuring any me who will go around leaving mnpty pants. OF SOCIETY MAD OF SOTS person must be able to drink a quart of nean corn within one hour's time, and hen walk up the steps to the State Capi ol. If the walk is not successful, the Lpplicant must wait one year before at empting to enter the fraternity again, nd in the meantime must be practicing he art of holding his liquor. Both judges of the campus, Blankhead nd Smitty, were well pleased with the election of two teams. Several sug-1 estions for honorable mention were of ered by them, but space makes it im ossible to include their names. The two teams, as selected by a special ommittee of I Tappa Keg, are as fol >ws: Position ~Second team mit In......................Sam McFadden 1 Ight in ....................Pete Parker ett behind...................Henry Roberts I resh out......................John Audrey1 ight out.......................Judge Culler eaver ......................Buster Watts1 al f out......,............Jack Quattlebaum' raw back ......... (c) W. W. Carpenter1 worst half ...............Burey Dunlap n his back ................Jonnie Caark 4 out 4., .....................ruce IUttlejohn1 oach....-- ....,~.--.-T.im ixon Faculty Recent Report Racket Ri Harth Accused Of 4 Violating Promise ' Big Hamdur Sets Forth Player Holds Director Is Work- t ing With Graham Reaper Rain appeared likely today as an d ominous cloud of scandal hovered low over the University campus. A storm of comment was expected to follow the filing of a complaint by Big Hamdur, alleged football player, charging Bill (Color-scheme) Harth with breach . of contract, and seeking payment of back salary in the amount of $7,000. In a statement to the press this morning, Hamdur intimated that athletic-director Harth was working hand-in-glove with he Graham-reaper. "It's like dis," expostulated the foot baler, "I'm- doing okay as de strong man fo Bahnum and Bully, see? So what hap pens? So I'n waved under de nose wit a piece o paper by dis guy Harthi. 'Big', sez he, 'sign dis an you troubles is over. A t'ousand bucks by de month', sez he, an a bomus if you touch em down !' "So I puts me X on de scroll an I'm railroaded to dis burg. I'm gave a pair of shoes, an a Bible, an a music-appreciater, an a public speaker. So what happens? ....Nuttin! "After thutty days, I goes over to de office to git de dough I've been prom ised. Dis guy Harth jest sets dere wit I his secumterry on his lap an spouts words I bout de Graham plan done nulled de con tract. So I waits. Six, seven months I wiats, ad de secumterry don't move and le dough don't be handed over. So I gits me a mouthpiece, and bygad I moves ce secumterry." Branding Hamdur's statement a "ma licious and unmitigated disfiguration of fact," Harth prepared a counter-attack today in answer to the pigskinner's U :harges. "The allegation stinks of the ridicu- t lous," said he, brushing a brunettis.h hair s from his lapel. "In seven month- my knees would have become cramped. "Besides", he declared, "I cannot tell r a lie at this late date. We don't pay for athletic services at Carolina. In all my a statements to the papers I have been I (Continued on Page t Column t) I --v. a. o.- ] Eskimos Sing "Lights Out" After New Invention Quattlebaum's Lightless Bulb And Oookless Stove Boon To North Great was the celebrating and hallelulia shoulting down in the Chemistry depart nent last Thursday when Jack Quattle baum demon dehydrator of the stink pot, announced the discovery of two articles which would, in all probability, revo utionize life in the arctic regions. The most important of the Boston-ac :ented Winnsboro youth's inventions was compound of alpha-hydroxy-metachloro-. liazobenzidines, which when injected into he rear end of a light bulb would make t stop burning. The benefit of this to he eskimos is evident. They can treat heir light bulbs at the beginning of the ix-months day and then will not be othered with lights- burning when the un is shining. Homes for the blind will lso find this compound useful in the eading rooms and dormitories. The in rentor announced that the "Light Bulb Putter Outer" will sell for Fifty Blub ers a bottle delivered at your igloo, and mn ingenious contraption for unscrewing >ulbs will be sent free with each purchase. The scond contribution to civilization y Mr. Quattlebaum is a gas, the con ents of which he refuses to reveal, which when put into an electric refrigerator will urn it into a cookstove that won't burn. rhis is a great boon to eskimos who eat heir food raw. The inventor contem lates swapping this gas to the eskimos or the hojes that .they cut In the ice brough which to fish; these holes will e usd as manhole 0bvers in EthiopisR Fakers s Reveal ng's_Running .ouncil Cashiers Chase f You Don't Think That Head Was Hell To Write, Try Writing One Like It Forty-four faculty members were yes erday turned over to local police officers fter an investigation by the Student ouncil revealed that these professors and eans were running one of the largest acket rings in the history of the country. "Honest John" Chase, "Square Deal" tradley, "Nasty Nellie" Frierson, "Moon race" Murchison, "Sitting Bull" Cantey, Sawbones" Heyward, and Leonard the Lug" Baker were identified as being mong the ring leaders and incarcerated a the municipal bastile awaiting a writ ,f habeas corpus which was filed by Whisperin' Al" Merritt, mouth-piece for he gang. "Mouth-piece" Merritt said he expected udges Blankhead, Smith and Culler to and down their decisions within the next en hours. "Gum Beater" Davis, chief investigator or the Mauldin committee, released the ollowing information: "Tom Mauldin let the cat ot of the ag when he recognized a five dollar bill n the registrar's office two weeks ago hat he had lost in the number's racket. fauldin at once called a student council neeting and called in "Wheel Horse" Velborne. Welborne was put under the hird degree and released information which led to the seizure of si;teen r - ette wheels, twenty crap tables, .1,700 ottery tickets and other lottery equip nent, 5,000 gallons of carn 1Uninr 7 ra-els+*d" bFew/ I"patins n.'am, +. ,n arsenal of machine guns, rifles, "pine pples," tommy-guns, 167 bullet-proof ests, 12 armored cars, and other equip sent. "It is alleged that this huge gang of langerous desperadoes was controlled by Honest John' Chase, who with his huge ffice force, and Mrs. Rosamonde Wim erley, controlled the every movement of he gang. A direct understudy of the big hot is U. S. Marshall Cantey, better :nown as "that over-worked public ser ant,' who controls the room-protection acket. "'Happy Bob' Wienefeld was disclosed s the political boss, while 'Hawk-eye' -lughes was taken for serving mule meat nstead of horse meat. 'Muffin Mouth' 4ercer was arrested for counteritting. ind 'Sparks' Bass was taken for radioing 1i orders to the gang. "Lesser charges were brought against )r. Derrick for acting as auditor and usiness manager, George Wauchoupe for elling fake Shakespearian volumnes, and Zene Stephan far carrying concealed veapons in his walking cani." Inspectator Davis outlined the various luties of the organization as follows: "Chase dominated the whole ring, Flinn lilland had charge of the number racket, Nasty Nellie' Frierson operated a fake livorce ring between Columbia and At anta, 'Sawbones' Hleyward had charge of he (lope business, 'Square Deal' Bradley (Continued on Pae OI Colurn. I) Theatre Program CAROLINA THEATRE THURDAYPRIAY-STURAY-ingCroe by-Ethel MenCalie Ruggles in ANYTHING GOES. STARTING MONDAY-Clark Gable-Jean Har REwMyra Loy in WIFE VERSUS SEC IMPERIAL THEATRE TODAY and THURSDAY--SNOWED UNDER with George Brent Genevieve Tobin, Pa tricia Ellis, Glenda Farrell, Frank Ne FRI A SATURDAY--Boris Karloff and Bela "Dracula" Lugoal in THE INVISIBLE RAY, with Frances Drake and Frank Law ton. MONDAY-TUESDAY, next week-O.orge Raft and Joan. Bennett in SHE 00ULDN'T TAKE IT. THURSDAY.FRIDAY-Gtadya Swarthout in OivE US THIS NIGHT. SATURDAY--Diek Foren itn SONG OF THE SADDLE. MONDAYTUESDAY-Claudtt. ('olbert, Fred NMMrra ad HRoet Young in THE WEDNESDAY-,Joan Blondell and Oleada Farrell in MISS PACIFIC FLEET. STRAND WEDNEBDAY-AFFAIR OF SUSANI4R, with Ese Pitt. and It O'O0anet. THURDAY-IANOJIM, 'mith ~werd Anmold and Jean A,ther. FRIAYS IA.j0 EI