The gamecock. (Columbia, S.C.) 1908-2006, April 01, 1936, Image 1
__ NOTHING TO CROW OVER
EMPTY BOTTLE
IS STARING US IN THE FACE
ao roo[. AP OO E E19unded By HMeUekah Wilkins
Phoney ,1
Trite-Tripe
By TRIBBLE
Foiled Again!.
A poet,
Don't know it
But this lousy sheet
Is gooey
With screwy
Guys editing eet.
They gripe
So I type
A respectable tale;
They scan it,
Then pan it,
"Too frigid," thiy wail.
I leave em
And weave em
A lyric that's hot; -
They label
The fable
"Too torrid", so what?
So I'm gonna
Write on a
Lamb Mary had,
(For Mary
Contrary
To fiction, was bad 1)
I'll sing
Of the spring
And I might take a whack
At two -kids on a hill
And a Jack that made Jill'
And a Jill that made Jack.
Epilogue
in the bud
Was this dud
Nipped.
So tonite
Il be tite
Ad"ppe .
Retraction
Don Causey, diminutive dude of den
ement .19, wailed lotdly and lustily be
cause of an item in last week's column to
the effect that he was caught reviewing
the advance showing of spring under
wear in Mangel's window.
In all fairness to the little shrimp, we
must admit guilt to an illusion. Causey
was not inspecting those new-fangled,
ladies' unmentionables.' He was window
shopping for a safety-pin and a square
piece of white cloth I
I. B. Drizzlepuss, sorryspondent No.
13, submits a premature brain child cap
tioned:
FIVE SHEETS IN THE WIND
or
He Done Her Wrong in Three Acts
Act First
Scene: The Dionne's cottage on the
eve of the quins' birth. Mauma Dionne
sits on the porch, smiling smugly, filled
with her own importance. Enter Papa
Dionne, singing "Too Late."
Pappa Dionne: Whatcha doing tonite,
toots?
Mama Dionne: Oh, Papa!
Papa Dionne: Come, come. .don't evade
the issue!
-Curtain,
Act Later
Scene: The same cottage. Dr. Dafoe
walks wearily up to the front door. He
knocks gently.
Voice from within: Who's there?
/ Doc Dafoe: Special delivery.
(He Is admitted)
Mama Dionne: Oh, Doctor. I think
something's wrong. Is my heart beating?
Doc Dafoe: (listens to heart). Beat
ing? Hell, woman, it's playing hop
scotch!i
Papa Dionne: Must have been those
oysters....
Doc Dafoe: Quiet, man. We'll get
money for that endorsement later.
Ma:na Dionne: How long now, Doc?
Doc Dafoe: About 15 minutes.
Mama Dionne: A quarter till,-five, eh?
Papa Dionne:. I feel terrible. I'd like
to Dionne the spot.
--Draw curtain quickly, before audience
can lay an egg.
Done Acted
Scene: The bedroom.
Papa Dionne: Whatcha got there,
-mama?
Mama Dionne: Dafoe-dils, papa!l
Papa Dionne: Oh, mama!
Ztma Dlonne: Oh, papa!
inings
Charming Girls
Flustered By
Enraged Dean
During Strip Dance
)assling Dancers Undaunted By
Bradley's Breesy
Bra*enness -
Inmates of the Woman's Building
talted their pirouetting ,in the climax
ihase of a strip dance before a select
rroup of male friends one night not so
ong ago when Dean "Close Crop" Brad
ey entered the lobby by means of his
vell worn pass key.
Since five of the former hen house vir
tins are taking graduate work at Cat
sland, only about 35 were twisting them
elves into the spirit of the affair. This
lidn't phase Bradley none though, he got
ust as mad as he could.
"What do you think I went through
ollege by degrees for? What do you
hink I won the World War for? What
lo you think * bought my. dean job for ?"
He took time out here for a few fren
ried tears, and explained:
"So's I could have me a harem like
:his some day, and then just soon's I
urn my back to kick my opposition out
)f school, you concubines turn traitor.
Have you no sense of ho'hor? Your in
iincerity suffocates me. Woe is me." He
iurveyed the motley crew, looked behind
him to see that Bill Crisp didn't fry
urn to a frazzle, and expostulated, "Aw
Nertz." Extracting the salt from the
remaining tear on his cheek, he dropped
It down Bowers Parker's coat collar, and
sashayed out the door, pocketing his pass
cey with a futuristic smirk.
A barren silence draped itself over the
:rowd, also barren, or had you guessed?
Paul R belot ivk c ai Bud Alexander,
mnd-that must have started somepin. Any
way all occupants of Wardlaw squirmed
tround and looked at each other. And
'hen the Bell boys, from right near the
War Memorial, came out of a clinch with
3rim Graham and looked around them.
[t was still as quiet as a hen house after
he dean has found all the feathers
plucked.
"On with the dance. Let joy be un
onfined," Missed Graham thundered. But
he girls heeded not. Quietly, sorrowfully,
hey extracted their customary garb out
)f a match box, and slithered upstairs. '
The boys all went home and pulled
lown their shades (shades of night) leav
ng their late companions with their
natron to sleep sweet dreams.
Photo of Dr. Baker, Diving into
he new swimming pool, just be
ore he croaked,
liorged Rejection Slip
Detected By Babcook
All except one student flunked Given
Name Babcock's short story writing
:ourse this semester according to grades
rntered in his red book at registration.
Fhe reason is -'simply that the students
w~ere required to show a certain number
f rejection slips each before they could
ass, but all magazines receiving contri
utions forwarded checks instead. The
tudent who didn't flunk was kicked out
>f the class for making.a rejection slip
f his own.
"As long as I have been sending my
seudonym to the trashiest of America's
fashy, a student should know better than
live me a bogus rejection slip. Why, you
would think that I am not one of the
iterati." He paused and reflected.
"Sure I am. My ancestors way hack,
yell not too far back, parked the May
lower on Virginia's breast, and from
hence to hence I have buffeted the storms
>f life hither and yon one way or another
sow and then.
The bell rang. The students aroused
stesw5 1dawed and out.
Fuddle F
Report That
Nudists' Visit
Begins Drive
Professor Is Perturbed
Fair Femmes Find French Friend \
Feeling Far From
Friendly
The quiet decorum of Pretty Boy
Stephan's French class was suddenly c
shattered yesterday when three visitors
from a nearby nudist colony lost their
bearings and strayed into the room. One
of the students was heard to remark later r
that Eve's fig leaf would have looked like I
a wardrobe compared to the way the girls t
were clad.
For a moment after their entrance the
room was quiet, as every body looked
them over. Pretty Boy removed his
monocle and polished it hastily, adjusted I
it again, then tossed it out of the nearest
window, evidently preferring to obscure
the awful sight. Most of the boys gazed
shamelessly at the fair figures; only Bob
Johnson and Paul Gaffney seemed em- 1
barrassed, and they were gentlemen
enough to slip quietly out of the back
door, refusing ever since to make any
observations in the incident. On be
ing approached for an interview Johnson
stated that he would "rather not say any
thing about it," and Gaffney said that
"it is no subject for a gentleman to dis
cuss."
However, other members of the class
were not so reluctant to talk about it, and
our reporter gathered a complete story of 1
what happened.
It seems that some time last week
Pretty Boy was giving French lessons to
the member of the colony, and after
classes ,j$e!a e for a while to nut his
pupils. "tp .' chayferistic joking
fashion he invited the girls to come to 1
see him sometime, and they decided to -
take him up.
"What's the matter, Lovey-Dovey ?",
one of them pouted after the first few
minutes. "Aren't you glad to see us?"
Evidently the poor man was not, be
cause he started motioning to the door
and talking in a mixture of languages
that no one could fathom. Meanwhile the
other two were receiving quite a dif
ferent reception in the back of the room
where Charlie Aiken and William Carri
gan were talking in languages anyone
could understand, and talking fast. Be
fore Stephan. could muster his forces and
get the girls out, those two Valentino's t
had dated the whole works up for weeks
to come.
Dean Bradley has announced that he
will start a drive to remove this evil in
fluence from the vicinity of the Univer
sity.
"We cannot have nusle women running
around in our classes," he declared, "be
cause, like Mary's little lamb, they make
the children laugh and play."
(Omenwede engs S dhan 5)
SECR ETARY.
SEL ECTS SQ L
Selection of the yearly all-Carolina all-a
time pass-out team was completed in
Flinn Hall last night, according to a I
statement by R. G. "Ding-dong" Belle, i
executive secretary of I Tappa Keg,
national sots fraternity. A big pass-out I
game was scheduled for the 149th anni
versary of the foundering of the organi
zation but since all members of the teama
were under the showers, the game was a
post-poned until this year.
The most spectacular play of the game, g
Hot Man Bell announced, will probably I
be a; heave, McDaniels to Carpenter, both i
of these players being well experienced
in the art of heaving and receiving. c
To become a member of I Tappa Keg, I,
First team
Dicky Palmer .................................
William McDaniels ........................
Billie Goldberg ................................
Mack Watts......................................
John Nicholson ...............................
B. L. Anderson (c)........................... I
Gedney Horne.................................. I
Nute Harmon................................
Speedy Spears ..............................1
Red Sullivan.....................................(
Tony Panning.....
rty-Foul
Prof Blushes
During Lecture
On Immorality
Because Of Question
ary Whitaker Innocently In
quires Into Secrets Of
Facts Of Life
Blushing prettily like a sixteen year
old maiden at a truck driver's picnic, Dr.
roft (Teahound) Williams, social hound
xtraordinary, laid his charges on the
nat the other A. M. with an illustrated
ecture condemning immoral practices on
he part of students while classes are in
rogress.
The outburst, begun when Mary Whit
iker innocently inquired the origin of
ittle puppies, came as a complete sur
rise to the assembled students.
"This classroom is in a hell of a
:ondition," declared the irate prof. "I
ear that it will soon become necessary
:o install a red traffic light in order
:o curb possible accidents."
The, lecture was halted temporarily
vhen J. P. Sullivan and Mary Culbertson
tarted trucking up a storm directly in
front of the lecturers nose.
Continuing his tirade, Williams chal
enged T. W. Evans and Harriet Lever
o show cause why their promiscuous
iecking should be longer permitted.
Using post cards he had gathered while
n Paree, he showed the class just what
ie had seen while stttdy1ng the sexual
problem in Europe. Jpck cawford broke
ip the lecture when 1W btlted from the
-oom and headed west.
FOUND!
The picture of the above was
aken in order to locate the looser
-the pair was found in front of
he Woman's Dorm. If the per
ion who l:st them will call by the
Postofice, Mrs. Moon will be glad
o return them to the rightful
>wner. The Empty Bottle takes
his opportunity of censuring any
me who will go around leaving
mnpty pants.
OF SOCIETY
MAD OF SOTS
person must be able to drink a quart of
nean corn within one hour's time, and
hen walk up the steps to the State Capi
ol. If the walk is not successful, the
Lpplicant must wait one year before at
empting to enter the fraternity again,
nd in the meantime must be practicing
he art of holding his liquor.
Both judges of the campus, Blankhead
nd Smitty, were well pleased with the
election of two teams. Several sug-1
estions for honorable mention were of
ered by them, but space makes it im
ossible to include their names.
The two teams, as selected by a special
ommittee of I Tappa Keg, are as fol
>ws:
Position ~Second team
mit In......................Sam McFadden 1
Ight in ....................Pete Parker
ett behind...................Henry Roberts I
resh out......................John Audrey1
ight out.......................Judge Culler
eaver ......................Buster Watts1
al f out......,............Jack Quattlebaum'
raw back ......... (c) W. W. Carpenter1
worst half ...............Burey Dunlap
n his back ................Jonnie Caark
4 out 4., .....................ruce IUttlejohn1
oach....-- ....,~.--.-T.im ixon
Faculty
Recent Report
Racket Ri
Harth Accused Of 4
Violating Promise '
Big Hamdur Sets Forth
Player Holds Director Is Work- t
ing With Graham
Reaper
Rain appeared likely today as an d
ominous cloud of scandal hovered low
over the University campus.
A storm of comment was expected to
follow the filing of a complaint by Big
Hamdur, alleged football player, charging
Bill (Color-scheme) Harth with breach .
of contract, and seeking payment of back
salary in the amount of $7,000. In a
statement to the press this morning,
Hamdur intimated that athletic-director
Harth was working hand-in-glove with
he Graham-reaper.
"It's like dis," expostulated the foot
baler, "I'm- doing okay as de strong man
fo Bahnum and Bully, see? So what hap
pens? So I'n waved under de nose wit
a piece o paper by dis guy Harthi. 'Big',
sez he, 'sign dis an you troubles is over.
A t'ousand bucks by de month', sez he,
an a bomus if you touch em down !'
"So I puts me X on de scroll an I'm
railroaded to dis burg. I'm gave a pair of
shoes, an a Bible, an a music-appreciater,
an a public speaker. So what happens?
....Nuttin!
"After thutty days, I goes over to de
office to git de dough I've been prom
ised. Dis guy Harth jest sets dere wit I
his secumterry on his lap an spouts words I
bout de Graham plan done nulled de con
tract. So I waits. Six, seven months I
wiats, ad de secumterry don't move and
le dough don't be handed over. So I
gits me a mouthpiece, and bygad I moves
ce secumterry."
Branding Hamdur's statement a "ma
licious and unmitigated disfiguration of
fact," Harth prepared a counter-attack
today in answer to the pigskinner's U
:harges.
"The allegation stinks of the ridicu- t
lous," said he, brushing a brunettis.h hair s
from his lapel. "In seven month- my
knees would have become cramped.
"Besides", he declared, "I cannot tell r
a lie at this late date. We don't pay for
athletic services at Carolina. In all my a
statements to the papers I have been I
(Continued on Page t Column t) I
--v. a. o.- ]
Eskimos Sing
"Lights Out"
After New Invention
Quattlebaum's Lightless Bulb
And Oookless Stove Boon
To North
Great was the celebrating and hallelulia
shoulting down in the Chemistry depart
nent last Thursday when Jack Quattle
baum demon dehydrator of the stink pot,
announced the discovery of two articles
which would, in all probability, revo
utionize life in the arctic regions.
The most important of the Boston-ac
:ented Winnsboro youth's inventions was
compound of alpha-hydroxy-metachloro-.
liazobenzidines, which when injected into
he rear end of a light bulb would make
t stop burning. The benefit of this to
he eskimos is evident. They can treat
heir light bulbs at the beginning of the
ix-months day and then will not be
othered with lights- burning when the
un is shining. Homes for the blind will
lso find this compound useful in the
eading rooms and dormitories. The in
rentor announced that the "Light Bulb
Putter Outer" will sell for Fifty Blub
ers a bottle delivered at your igloo, and
mn ingenious contraption for unscrewing
>ulbs will be sent free with each purchase.
The scond contribution to civilization
y Mr. Quattlebaum is a gas, the con
ents of which he refuses to reveal, which
when put into an electric refrigerator will
urn it into a cookstove that won't burn.
rhis is a great boon to eskimos who eat
heir food raw. The inventor contem
lates swapping this gas to the eskimos
or the hojes that .they cut In the ice
brough which to fish; these holes will
e usd as manhole 0bvers in EthiopisR
Fakers
s Reveal
ng's_Running
.ouncil Cashiers Chase
f You Don't Think That Head
Was Hell To Write, Try
Writing One Like It
Forty-four faculty members were yes
erday turned over to local police officers
fter an investigation by the Student
ouncil revealed that these professors and
eans were running one of the largest
acket rings in the history of the country.
"Honest John" Chase, "Square Deal"
tradley, "Nasty Nellie" Frierson, "Moon
race" Murchison, "Sitting Bull" Cantey,
Sawbones" Heyward, and Leonard the
Lug" Baker were identified as being
mong the ring leaders and incarcerated
a the municipal bastile awaiting a writ
,f habeas corpus which was filed by
Whisperin' Al" Merritt, mouth-piece for
he gang.
"Mouth-piece" Merritt said he expected
udges Blankhead, Smith and Culler to
and down their decisions within the next
en hours.
"Gum Beater" Davis, chief investigator
or the Mauldin committee, released the
ollowing information:
"Tom Mauldin let the cat ot of the
ag when he recognized a five dollar bill
n the registrar's office two weeks ago
hat he had lost in the number's racket.
fauldin at once called a student council
neeting and called in "Wheel Horse"
Velborne. Welborne was put under the
hird degree and released information
which led to the seizure of si;teen r -
ette wheels, twenty crap tables, .1,700
ottery tickets and other lottery equip
nent, 5,000 gallons of carn 1Uninr 7
ra-els+*d" bFew/ I"patins n.'am, +.
,n arsenal of machine guns, rifles, "pine
pples," tommy-guns, 167 bullet-proof
ests, 12 armored cars, and other equip
sent.
"It is alleged that this huge gang of
langerous desperadoes was controlled by
Honest John' Chase, who with his huge
ffice force, and Mrs. Rosamonde Wim
erley, controlled the every movement of
he gang. A direct understudy of the big
hot is U. S. Marshall Cantey, better
:nown as "that over-worked public ser
ant,' who controls the room-protection
acket.
"'Happy Bob' Wienefeld was disclosed
s the political boss, while 'Hawk-eye'
-lughes was taken for serving mule meat
nstead of horse meat. 'Muffin Mouth'
4ercer was arrested for counteritting.
ind 'Sparks' Bass was taken for radioing
1i orders to the gang.
"Lesser charges were brought against
)r. Derrick for acting as auditor and
usiness manager, George Wauchoupe for
elling fake Shakespearian volumnes, and
Zene Stephan far carrying concealed
veapons in his walking cani."
Inspectator Davis outlined the various
luties of the organization as follows:
"Chase dominated the whole ring, Flinn
lilland had charge of the number racket,
Nasty Nellie' Frierson operated a fake
livorce ring between Columbia and At
anta, 'Sawbones' Hleyward had charge of
he (lope business, 'Square Deal' Bradley
(Continued on Pae OI Colurn. I)
Theatre Program
CAROLINA THEATRE
THURDAYPRIAY-STURAY-ingCroe
by-Ethel MenCalie Ruggles in
ANYTHING GOES.
STARTING MONDAY-Clark Gable-Jean Har
REwMyra Loy in WIFE VERSUS SEC
IMPERIAL THEATRE
TODAY and THURSDAY--SNOWED UNDER
with George Brent Genevieve Tobin, Pa
tricia Ellis, Glenda Farrell, Frank Ne
FRI A SATURDAY--Boris Karloff and Bela
"Dracula" Lugoal in THE INVISIBLE
RAY, with Frances Drake and Frank Law
ton.
MONDAY-TUESDAY, next week-O.orge Raft
and Joan. Bennett in SHE 00ULDN'T
TAKE IT.
THURSDAY.FRIDAY-Gtadya Swarthout in
OivE US THIS NIGHT.
SATURDAY--Diek Foren itn SONG OF THE
SADDLE.
MONDAYTUESDAY-Claudtt. ('olbert, Fred
NMMrra ad HRoet Young in THE
WEDNESDAY-,Joan Blondell and Oleada
Farrell in MISS PACIFIC FLEET.
STRAND
WEDNEBDAY-AFFAIR OF SUSANI4R, with
Ese Pitt. and It O'O0anet.
THURDAY-IANOJIM, 'mith ~werd
Anmold and Jean A,ther.
FRIAYS IA.j0 EI