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IMPERIAL ROMANS I RIVALCAESARS CAMPUS BOWS TO TYRANTS Nero And Caligula Hold Sway; Atrocities Committed By Eminent Rulers "I am the Emperor Nero," quoth jesting Barney, and would not stay for an answer. With his robes of regal purple floating behind him like the nightshirt of an indignant father, Barney Haywood, Emperor Nero Barney Haywood, decked in ashes and sack cloth at his coronation. The bald spot entitled him to ^ Caesar's throne cannot be noticed in this oily pain-ting because of flora and fauna. He will recite "When I was a King in Babylon, and You Were a Bluish Salve." the kingpin, leaped from his office in the inflamary and proclaimed himself emperor of the campus. He has issued an imperial proclamation saying he is Nero. "Nero (Here pup!) Haywood has been acting like the Roman emperor all year," swears Solicitor Brown, who shows marks of wrack and torture at the emperor's hands. "When I went to the inflamary to have my nose examined, he had me hanged by the heels so he could look down it without bending his neck. He amused himself by tossing an operating saw from five feet away across Bannie Stewart's head, which he was cutting open." Other patients vouch for similar royal atrocities. "When his fickle whim is for more light, her highness bandages up poor slavish patients in reels and reels of gauze, soaks them with horse liniment, and sets them afire. Then he sits back and smokes a vile cigar while basking in the crematory flames," says Mildred Hartness, who admits she was almost burned by Nero. "All is true, and more," thundered his majesty Nero Barney. "I am the monarch of all I survey, and I examine every man and woman at the University in person. Furthermore, watch Dr. R. K. Faster. "Dr. Faster is really my twin brother, the emperor Caligula. He too is baldheaded, naughty, and amibitous. There are no ends to which he will not go." Dr. Hey ward was cured of his hallucination by an accidental overdose of C. C. pills. All hope for Dr. Faster was given up last night. U.S. o. yWm Frankie Barfield, dashing sports writer of the Police Gazette. Frankly speaking, he has just applied Glover's Mange Cure to his scalp. Frankie is really a Patagonian Indian, named Itchywooskum. The cleft place in his mouth is a tribal marking, arranged 80 he can chew tobacco, drink, smoke a _ corncob pipe and split infinitives with his teeth, all at the same time. Henry Cauthen, sports editor of the News and Courier. When asked his opinion ot the Citadel Bulldog as a yard dog, Henry said "Gurgle, wurgle, gurgle," then turned loose the bottle. He lost hit memory immediately after HELL TO RETAIL NEW HAIR TONIC HOY AND OHASE TO ASSIST Speaking of needed improvements on the carpeted campus of the University, there is one need that few have thought of supplying a remedy for, yet it is in such a state that everyone recognizes it. That impertinent need is to be cared for by none other than the well-known R. G. Hell, Y. M. C. A. secretary, who has declared his intention of having the exclusive agency for "Sure-Grow Hair Tonic." It has been stated that Sure-Grow is the exact duplicate of the old family remedy known as Glover's Mange Cure, but this isn't exactly true as the latter has a less pungent odor than Sure-Grow, which also removes kinks. No one doubts the success of this venture on Mr. Bell's part, since he can jerk off his five-year-old bonnet and show his long, glossy head-o-hair to the prospective customer and exclaim?"Just look what a few drops did to my once hairless dome." It is hoped that students and co-eds alike will hasten to patronize R. G. Hell in this sale and thus play their part in removing this condition before referred to as the "much needed improvement." It has been rumored that Dr. Hoy and Jack Chase have offered to assist Mr. Bell as partners, being such fine specimens and constant users of SureGrow. It has lately leaked out that these three spirited gentlemen have come to words and blows over the profit percentage. Jack Chase (white) demanded more than half the profits by virtue of the fact that the addition to his wig made his curly locks more in evidence than the others. But these childish quarrels will soon be forgotten, and we all look forward to the remedy of the critical conditions of extreme baldness on the campus. Yours for less swigs and more of the real stuff, T. R. Bald. P. S.?A half-pint (of Sure Grow) has been offered to the person who can identify the writer of this article to any one of the three partners. "Smith wants to borrow a hundred dollars. Is he good for it?" "Yes, with proper securities." "What would you suggest?" "A chain and padlock, a pair of handcuffs, and a good watch-dog. = NEW AI SPORT FRIEh K Fl\ SHC SumnQfli 1613 Ml College Novelties Pennants Stationery THE COLI A Shop for the C Barber Shop Open 9 A. M. to 8 P. M. DAVIS TMiLD?ER 500 SUPERB FABRIC! LATEST COLLEGIATE CIH $24.50 T< Guaranteed To Fit C CAMPUS REPR1 "Sonny" Drake PETERS & 1120 TAYLOR STREET ? BS&BSSKBBESaBBBBSeaSBBSBBSSSBSSSSS Double identity solved by Scotland Yard and Sherlock Homing-pigeon Cantey. Front and rear views of Bob Lumianski, alias J. J. Mack, alias Legare Walker, nabbed at Alfalfa Towtow Omegaoats house for complicity in chicken robbery. At left is Bob Mackawalkski before using codliver oil; at right with mumps in one cheek and stolen Kroohinor diamond concealed in other. DILLARD RUSHED BY ROUGH RIDERS Anthropolid Early Imitates Tarzan And Swings To Rescue A La Chandelier "Abide with me," quoth Queen Dillard to Dean Baker, whereupon that redoubtable young man immediately swallowed his wad of tobacco, excused himself from the room, and returned after a ten-minute hiccough, replacing his handkerchief to his right hip pocket. Meanwhile, Big Dick Douglas had come upon the scene in a cloud of dust and demanded the privilege?that is, the privilege to take the queen horseback riding. Being reminded, however, that he had no horses, Green's pony was led in, foughting. A certain part of the horse's anatomy seemed to remind everyone of Oscar Keith and he was dismissed with disgust. Not to be outdone, the grizzly Zimmerman galloped in on all fours, belching forth the mating call of the ferocious chipmunk in a way that would bring tears to your eyes. "Remove the alfalfa from off your burley chest and let us recognize you," screamed Dean Baker. This operation having been completed, Irene passionately murmured, "Let us miss you, Zimmy, let us miss you." _ Zimmy's pride was stung to the quick and he retired with the greater IRIVALS SHOES ^dly ^ /E \ >ES tin St. Soda Tobaccos Toilet Articles ,EGE SHOP Jarolina Students State Agency Brooks Tailoring Suits $35.00 Top Coats CLOTHES S?35 NEW STYLES [ S?SNAPPY SPORT TOGS ) $50.00 >r Money Refunded ESENTATIVES ? "Doug" Cunningham FOLK, Inc. PHONE 6812 -I "I MOTLEY IMBIBES WILD MOOSE MILK INEBRIATED PROF SEIZED * University students were surprised last week when Federal prohibition agents appeared on the campus and arrested Dr. E. T. Motley, innocent looking dean of the School of Pharmacy. The charge brought against the University professor was drunk and disorderly conduct. It was claimed by the officers that a large amount of grain alcohol had disappeared from the laboratory of the pharmacy school, -i The explanation given was that J Dean Motley had pulled a big whoopee party at one of tne many roadhouses near Columbia and that the alcohol was used to give the party pep and kick. i Farris Gibson, a senior in the phar- < macy school, is to be the chief witness I against Dr. Motley. Mr. Gibson claims that the arrested professor appeared at 1 an eight o'clock class the morning < after the above mentioned party in his 1 tuxedo and was still very much under 1 the influence of the alcohol. 1 Instead of teaching his students the * art of pill making, as is a custom with the doctor, be began to tell them of ' the beautiful girls that he had kissed * the night before. ] 1 he deposed dean of the pharmacy 1 school is still in the city jail and will ?' remain there until his trial unless Dr. I Douglas goes on his bond, a thing 1 that the University president has re- 1 fused to do. In the meantime Dr. Motley rolls pills in the jail to the tune ' of "The Prisoner's Song" which he < plays over and over on an ancient vie- 1 trola which was given him by Fred I Bell. i < est dignity. At this point, Barney i Early sprang down from a chandelier < where he had been hiding, bow and j arrow in hand. Whereupon the guests decided to call it a day and skipped j out hand in hand, singing, "Barney | Early, with his gur-gur-gurgly eyes" i to the tune of "Barney Early, with his ] gur-gur-gurgly eyes." i I Ml ? .TM %\j/l I / Just C j When the Bi on wearing room-mate ai i up the cree i it's a satisf* \ Braeburns ar \ better to kno \ ones are hei \ mate along i Braeburn University Clothes ^vith two trousers $35 $3 KINA RALPH NEWMAN, C Yo-yoing Billy Dean, hirstute director of the Tomato Players (onto which the Palmetto Players have recently been grafted) announces that a new mystery comedy, "The Baby Cyclone," will be presented next week. The mystery is in finding Mamma and Pappa Cyclone, and if you think this is funny, see it I All the action takes place in one bedroom scene. (And take this notice seriously; Bizzy Jacobs is in the cast as a Scotch Highlander, Dink Roper is playing a "natural" role, Erasmus the butler, and Julie Beall leans from the baloney as a great, big cop.) UREASE IS HEAD OF UNIVERSITY (Continued From Page 1) md faculty members. I can fire any 5ne of them in 30 days, now that I'm president." President Frease fervently expects :o cleanse and purify the library by throwing out all books by naughty French authors, a popular idea in Engand about the sixteenth century which las recently been resurrected by the senator-president. "I would replace them with nice, sporty books by 100 percent American uithors such as Chick Sale, Captain Billy, of Whizbang fame, Vina Delmar, Robert Quillen, Henry Cauthen, ind Elliot White Springs. And I'm going to discharge that lazy evilminded librarian, Kennedyl" the velement viper vituperated. "As regards other regulations, I lope to put in force my personal practice. The University will be officially iry, but actually wet. Students will ?et up with the mill whistle at 5 a. m., wear khaki shirts, chew tobacco and :urse fluently. And I am told that the last football conference on disarmament was a failure. I'm going to inluire into its costs and raise hell about t generally." And when the sun has gone to rest, in the cradle of the west, the student ijody will gather round and sing the lew Alma Mammy. The opening lines are: "Cold Frease, cold beer. No Frease, no beer." r% Vx| )ut of Luck! raeburn you'd planned vanishes with your id sort of leaves you k without a paddle, action to know that e like that ... It's still w that the new Spring re, so drag the roomnd come over. 9.50 RD'S ampus Representative