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"CAMPUS Soft. Jitney Driver 'Never To Get Hard 5 Rose Hill Bound But Soon Makes a Home Run To Safety By BILL GAINF,S The "jitney" rolled up to the curb. "Here," thought I, "Is a chance to get the lowdown on one of the rougher elements." I climbed in, an with a rattle and 'a bang the back got under way. "Where would you like to go?" asked the jitneyeer. Instead of the rasping bark of all the taxi drivers in stories that I had read he had the soft, almost lisping accents of a red-necktied habitue of the water fronts. I felt ill at ease. "Rose Hill and back," I murmured, mentioning the most distant section of which I could think. We passed the establishment of a blind tiger with whom I had a drinking acquaintance. Thinking to put my companion in a more loquacious frame of mind I remarked, 'Would you like a little shot of anti-logevity? They keep quite a supply in there-mild, 'tis true, but, yet good." "I never drink," almost yodelled the driver in a girlish treble, "Nor do I smoke. I find that alcohol and nicn tine makes a man degenerate more quickly than does the Chairman of a Republican Slush Fund Committee. I hope some day to become a Baptist minister and water serves all my needs." "Yeh," said I, hitingly, "You Bap tists always were strong on the water end, of salvation l" He continued, "As for tobacco, it should have no place in the average man's category of pleasure. It has come to be too effeminate. I have no vices other than an overweaning," yes, that's the word he used, "desire for pepsin gum." "There is assuredly no effeminacy there," I retorted, damned by this blank I had drawn. "I always go home before ten o'clock," he piped on in his falsetto tones, "and I have never had a date with anyone wilder than one of the University women. I have no sup pressed desires other than to live to be a hundred." "Don't air your wash in my back yard," I came back, tenderly restrain ing my pugacity although he weighed only about two hundred and twenty, "However, since you've brought it up, if you don't do any of these things, why do you want to live so long?" It went over his head like a size nine Stetson. "I enjoy myself," he returned, "I live as probably not ten other men in Co lumbia. I read omnivorously and perennially--" "I can't recall either of those authors," said I dloubtfully, "How about Witwer?" "My favorites," he added without my having called for an encore, "are sonmc (lay. I'll get a chance to lecture Brann, Marx andl Kaut1ky. Maybe, on them." "'I knew," said I. grimly, "that Tunney would start a new fad," and, disgustedly, "Would you mind mani pulating the steerinig apparatus of this mechanically propelled vehicle in the general direction of that structure of brick and stone that hands the public a laugh from both the thespian and adlministrative organizations housed therein? I resire to alight." Funny about that fellow. He might have read Brann but he wasn't dumb. He caught on right away. He let me out in front of the city hall. Coming down the street was one of the professors from the University Feeling too weak to unbotton my coat to look at my watch, I stopped him. "Could you tell me the time?" I ask ed. He shook his bead angrily, pointed his cane at the timepiece over the city hall and blurted out, "Dammit, sub, there's a clock fo' po' folks I" In the words of the prevaricating Ripley, believe it or not I FEATURE Oswald Makes Cub Reporting a Hobby No Time For Women-Eight More Years-Then a Title -Maybe Money doesn't interest Oswald ex cept to serve as the means of having three complete meals and a presentable change of clothing a day and to pre sent a bulwark against the perennial assaults of the tobacconist, the realtor, the physician and other kindred de votees of the chase after the ever lasting dollar. (Ed. note: balloon soup !) Were lucrative gain Oswald's object, his desires would stray from the bare field of Journalism to the lusher lowlands of Law, or the beneficent bailiwich of Bootlegging, or the con taminating cult of Counterfeiters, or even the age-defying domain of Hair dyers; but God gave Oswald nothing but passive contempt for mints and their output. (Ed. note: can this be true?) Coin and Oswald have nothing in common but the same terrestrial sphere as habitat. It is, you see, then nothing but a natural and logical process, as day following night, or a Drug-store Cow boy a perfect thirty-six down the ave nue when Oswald's resolve pushes him into the ink-bitten atmosphere of a newspaper office, for the cry of "copy" is his war whoop, late hours his hobby, pounding the battered keys of a 1905 Oliver his forte, and the humble, hectic, hurried, harassed life of a ct:.h reporter, his existance. One doesn't reach conclusions like the foregoing without experience any more than a chorus girl reaches thirty without regret. You have heard Os wald's conclusions; the experience con sists of three months of the most ex hilarating existence that Oswald ever hopes to have. Should Oswald ever reach that mythical (as some say) land where gold is nothing but paving blocks, and worldy gain dross, he will desire no celestial entertainment other than reversion to that ne'er-to be-forgotten summer when the shade of Horace Greeley and he, if not in timate, were at least pseudo-compan ionate on that thrice-a-week rag. Oswald would rather work on a newspaper than to do a John Gilbert with Greta Garbo. He would prefer laboring in an eight-by-ten cubby hole eighteen hours a day to being hand maidened by a composite personality of Helen of Troy, Circe, and Cleopatra forever. Were Oswald given the choice of pounding the pavements in search of stray bits of news or discov ering a maiden ount with money than heart beats, the female relative would be relegated to the limbo of forgotten souls and the cement-walk's burden would be increased by the weight of one. Oswald loves newspaper work andi so, if the laps of the Gods hold stead fast for eight more years until he can be graduated, "c/o Weekly Bugle" will be appendedlC( to his ramue. --u.s.c. Y Promotion Force On Annual Entreat Membhers of the "Y" promotion force wecnt on their annual "retreat" Saturday afternoon to Adam's pond and returned late Sunday afternoon after having camped there during the night. About 35 students attended, fishing, swimming, and partaking mn various forms of outdoor sports. Saturday night Dr. R. A. Lapsley spoke before the group on the subject "Eartherna Vessels." After the speak ing, general p)lans were made for niext year, and this discussion was followed by a weiner roast. Walter Johnson had charge of the dlevotional exercises Sunday morning. He discussed the three levels of life; i nstiinctive, Habitual, a'nd Thought Levels. Transportation was furnished by the following professors: Dr. F. W. HlradIley, Prof. George McCutchen, Dr. Havilah Babcock, Prof. J. A. Stoddard, Prof. H. C. Davis, and Prof. 0. L. STORIES j HARRY STOTTLE Sex It is beyond the comprehension of this lowly scribe to assimillate or under stand the instantaneous and miraculous cures wrought by the remedial forces of Mr. Eddie Bryant upon certain Co lmbia College girls. These cures strange to say, immediately restore the lame, the halt and the blind to perfect health. Sick in bed one instant-com pletely cured the next.. It seems that Mr. - Bryant, himself, was not avaie of his powerful and supernatural gift un,il last Stnday afternoon. It came upon him suddenly, to say the least, and has caused a deal of speculation among intellectuals of the campus-not to men tion the furor in the Columbia Colllege domicile. Also you might, if interested, asking him about getting it in the neck. 'S funny how the girls who wear the least clothes always look the hottest. Yet, those who gaze upon them al ways do so in a fatherly way-trying to see farther and farther. And then these same girls make a lot of slips bitt they seldom wear them. Bed Time Story to be Broadcasted Once upon a time there was an honest politician. He turned crooked. When the sight of a girl in a one piece bathing suit fails to stir a man, it will be because he can't move. We feel sure that times will either get better or worse and that pretty soon, but that's like the one on the woman-when a woman driver holds out her hand you can be sure that she is either going to stop or go right on and you are to adjust your further actions to the present environment and assume all responsibility in case of an accident-she'll inverterately say, "'Why how dare you, DIDN'T I HOLD OUT MY MAND?" We all know that mere man is much more courageous than woman but after all he dosen't have half the chance to show his back&one. And that's a fact, 'cause so-and-so said the other day that the only thing gettting longer about a woman's dress was the shoul der straps. But then we'll tell the one on the lecturer who requested that a pitcher' of ice water be placed on the table. "To drink?" asked the chair man. "No" answered the speaker; "I'll do ahigh diving act." That is damfool ishquestion number 1,643,219,723, Three of the boys were discussing some of the merits of their merits of their respective girls: No. 1. "My girl is so modest that she won't even walk by a pile of un dressed lumber. No. 2. "That's nothing, mine is so very modest that she won't even work logarithms for fear that someone will see her figure. No. 3. "Well my girl is so modest that she pins her clothes on. -No. 2. "I don't see anything so aw ful mlodest about that, how do you figure it ? No. 3. Well she says that buttons are all rounders; that the hooks have eyes: and that snaps are too fast. FINAL VARIATION It's a long lane that hasn'e been mentioned in a joke of some kind. When you first looked At this group of words, You might possibly have Though it was poetry. But it is fairly( certain That by the time You will have completely Changed your mind. Isn't it funny how people Will keep right on When they knowl darn well They're being fooled? -Cannon Bawl. Clarissa believes that if you give a man enough rope he'll swear off smocking. CAROLINA STUDENTS! A Good Place to Eat MRS. L. K. BEST 1012 Marion Street One - Half Block From Campus MOTOR COACH SERVICE Columbta to Greenville Lv. Columbia: 7:30 am, 9:30 am, 11:30 am, 2 pm, 3:30 pm, 5 pm Lv. Greenville: Same Time HAYES Bus LiNEs (Incorporated) 1800' Main St. Phone 8788 For Fruit Drinks -- -VISIT -- HAMPTON'S Home-Made Candies 1218 Main St. Columbia, S. C. Recepewer Furmshed Only Place of Its Kind in the City THE TEST OF YEARS Il P. H. LACHIC Diamonds, Jewelry, Sil 1424 Main Street "As Copelend Goes, So Goes t MANHATTAN SHIRTS-S' SWEATERS-MUNS Everything Seasonable and COPELAND 1535 Main Street. Home of Kuppenhe Ev~ C ft c You cannot shrink the new Everfit Collar on Shirt craft shirts. Laundered over and over again, they remain precisely the same size. A new exclusive process prevents shrinkage. We've just received a fresh selection of these amazing new- type shirts. 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