The gamecock. (Columbia, S.C.) 1908-2006, May 23, 1928, Page PAGE THREE, Image 3
"CAMPUS
Soft. Jitney Driver
'Never To Get Hard
5 Rose Hill Bound But Soon
Makes a Home Run
To Safety
By BILL GAINF,S
The "jitney" rolled up to the curb.
"Here," thought I, "Is a chance to
get the lowdown on one of the rougher
elements."
I climbed in, an with a rattle and 'a
bang the back got under way.
"Where would you like to go?"
asked the jitneyeer.
Instead of the rasping bark of all the
taxi drivers in stories that I had read
he had the soft, almost lisping accents
of a red-necktied habitue of the water
fronts. I felt ill at ease.
"Rose Hill and back," I murmured,
mentioning the most distant section of
which I could think.
We passed the establishment of a
blind tiger with whom I had a drinking
acquaintance. Thinking to put my
companion in a more loquacious frame
of mind I remarked, 'Would you like
a little shot of anti-logevity? They
keep quite a supply in there-mild,
'tis true, but, yet good."
"I never drink," almost yodelled the
driver in a girlish treble, "Nor do I
smoke. I find that alcohol and nicn
tine makes a man degenerate more
quickly than does the Chairman of a
Republican Slush Fund Committee. I
hope some day to become a Baptist
minister and water serves all my
needs."
"Yeh," said I, hitingly, "You Bap
tists always were strong on the water
end, of salvation l"
He continued, "As for tobacco, it
should have no place in the average
man's category of pleasure. It has come
to be too effeminate. I have no vices
other than an overweaning," yes, that's
the word he used, "desire for pepsin
gum."
"There is assuredly no effeminacy
there," I retorted, damned by this
blank I had drawn.
"I always go home before ten
o'clock," he piped on in his falsetto
tones, "and I have never had a date
with anyone wilder than one of the
University women. I have no sup
pressed desires other than to live to be
a hundred."
"Don't air your wash in my back
yard," I came back, tenderly restrain
ing my pugacity although he weighed
only about two hundred and twenty,
"However, since you've brought it up,
if you don't do any of these things,
why do you want to live so long?"
It went over his head like a size
nine Stetson.
"I enjoy myself," he returned, "I live
as probably not ten other men in Co
lumbia. I read omnivorously and
perennially--"
"I can't recall either of those
authors," said I dloubtfully, "How
about Witwer?"
"My favorites," he added without my
having called for an encore, "are
sonmc (lay. I'll get a chance to lecture
Brann, Marx andl Kaut1ky. Maybe,
on them."
"'I knew," said I. grimly, "that
Tunney would start a new fad," and,
disgustedly, "Would you mind mani
pulating the steerinig apparatus of this
mechanically propelled vehicle in the
general direction of that structure of
brick and stone that hands the public
a laugh from both the thespian and
adlministrative organizations housed
therein? I resire to alight."
Funny about that fellow. He might
have read Brann but he wasn't dumb.
He caught on right away. He let me
out in front of the city hall.
Coming down the street was one of
the professors from the University
Feeling too weak to unbotton my coat
to look at my watch, I stopped him.
"Could you tell me the time?" I ask
ed.
He shook his bead angrily, pointed
his cane at the timepiece over the city
hall and blurted out, "Dammit, sub,
there's a clock fo' po' folks I"
In the words of the prevaricating
Ripley, believe it or not I
FEATURE
Oswald Makes Cub
Reporting a Hobby
No Time For Women-Eight
More Years-Then a Title
-Maybe
Money doesn't interest Oswald ex
cept to serve as the means of having
three complete meals and a presentable
change of clothing a day and to pre
sent a bulwark against the perennial
assaults of the tobacconist, the realtor,
the physician and other kindred de
votees of the chase after the ever
lasting dollar. (Ed. note: balloon
soup !) Were lucrative gain Oswald's
object, his desires would stray from the
bare field of Journalism to the lusher
lowlands of Law, or the beneficent
bailiwich of Bootlegging, or the con
taminating cult of Counterfeiters, or
even the age-defying domain of Hair
dyers; but God gave Oswald nothing
but passive contempt for mints and
their output. (Ed. note: can this be
true?) Coin and Oswald have nothing
in common but the same terrestrial
sphere as habitat.
It is, you see, then nothing but a
natural and logical process, as day
following night, or a Drug-store Cow
boy a perfect thirty-six down the ave
nue when Oswald's resolve pushes
him into the ink-bitten atmosphere of
a newspaper office, for the cry of
"copy" is his war whoop, late hours
his hobby, pounding the battered keys
of a 1905 Oliver his forte, and the
humble, hectic, hurried, harassed life
of a ct:.h reporter, his existance.
One doesn't reach conclusions like
the foregoing without experience any
more than a chorus girl reaches thirty
without regret. You have heard Os
wald's conclusions; the experience con
sists of three months of the most ex
hilarating existence that Oswald ever
hopes to have. Should Oswald ever
reach that mythical (as some say) land
where gold is nothing but paving
blocks, and worldy gain dross, he will
desire no celestial entertainment
other than reversion to that ne'er-to
be-forgotten summer when the shade
of Horace Greeley and he, if not in
timate, were at least pseudo-compan
ionate on that thrice-a-week rag.
Oswald would rather work on a
newspaper than to do a John Gilbert
with Greta Garbo. He would prefer
laboring in an eight-by-ten cubby hole
eighteen hours a day to being hand
maidened by a composite personality
of Helen of Troy, Circe, and Cleopatra
forever. Were Oswald given the
choice of pounding the pavements in
search of stray bits of news or discov
ering a maiden ount with money than
heart beats, the female relative would
be relegated to the limbo of forgotten
souls and the cement-walk's burden
would be increased by the weight of
one.
Oswald loves newspaper work andi
so, if the laps of the Gods hold stead
fast for eight more years until he can
be graduated, "c/o Weekly Bugle" will
be appendedlC( to his ramue.
--u.s.c.
Y Promotion Force
On Annual Entreat
Membhers of the "Y" promotion
force wecnt on their annual "retreat"
Saturday afternoon to Adam's pond
and returned late Sunday afternoon
after having camped there during the
night. About 35 students attended,
fishing, swimming, and partaking mn
various forms of outdoor sports.
Saturday night Dr. R. A. Lapsley
spoke before the group on the subject
"Eartherna Vessels." After the speak
ing, general p)lans were made for niext
year, and this discussion was followed
by a weiner roast.
Walter Johnson had charge of the
dlevotional exercises Sunday morning.
He discussed the three levels of life;
i nstiinctive, Habitual, a'nd Thought
Levels.
Transportation was furnished by the
following professors: Dr. F. W.
HlradIley, Prof. George McCutchen, Dr.
Havilah Babcock, Prof. J. A. Stoddard,
Prof. H. C. Davis, and Prof. 0. L.
STORIES j
HARRY STOTTLE
Sex
It is beyond the comprehension of
this lowly scribe to assimillate or under
stand the instantaneous and miraculous
cures wrought by the remedial forces of
Mr. Eddie Bryant upon certain Co
lmbia College girls. These cures
strange to say, immediately restore the
lame, the halt and the blind to perfect
health. Sick in bed one instant-com
pletely cured the next.. It seems that
Mr. - Bryant, himself, was not avaie
of his powerful and supernatural gift
un,il last Stnday afternoon. It came
upon him suddenly, to say the least, and
has caused a deal of speculation among
intellectuals of the campus-not to men
tion the furor in the Columbia Colllege
domicile. Also you might, if interested,
asking him about getting it in the neck.
'S funny how the girls who wear the
least clothes always look the hottest.
Yet, those who gaze upon them al
ways do so in a fatherly way-trying
to see farther and farther. And then
these same girls make a lot of slips
bitt they seldom wear them.
Bed Time Story to be Broadcasted
Once upon a time there was an
honest politician. He turned crooked.
When the sight of a girl in a one
piece bathing suit fails to stir a man,
it will be because he can't move.
We feel sure that times will either
get better or worse and that pretty
soon, but that's like the one on the
woman-when a woman driver holds
out her hand you can be sure that she
is either going to stop or go right on
and you are to adjust your further
actions to the present environment
and assume all responsibility in case
of an accident-she'll inverterately
say, "'Why how dare you, DIDN'T I
HOLD OUT MY MAND?" We all
know that mere man is much more
courageous than woman but after all
he dosen't have half the chance to
show his back&one. And that's a fact,
'cause so-and-so said the other day
that the only thing gettting longer
about a woman's dress was the shoul
der straps. But then we'll tell the one
on the lecturer who requested that a
pitcher' of ice water be placed on the
table. "To drink?" asked the chair
man. "No" answered the speaker; "I'll
do ahigh diving act." That is damfool
ishquestion number 1,643,219,723,
Three of the boys were discussing
some of the merits of their merits of
their respective girls:
No. 1. "My girl is so modest that
she won't even walk by a pile of un
dressed lumber.
No. 2. "That's nothing, mine is so
very modest that she won't even work
logarithms for fear that someone will
see her figure.
No. 3. "Well my girl is so modest
that she pins her clothes on.
-No. 2. "I don't see anything so aw
ful mlodest about that, how do you
figure it ?
No. 3. Well she says that buttons
are all rounders; that the hooks have
eyes: and that snaps are too fast.
FINAL VARIATION
It's a long lane that hasn'e been
mentioned in a joke of some kind.
When you first looked
At this group of words,
You might possibly have
Though it was poetry.
But it is fairly( certain
That by the time
You will have completely
Changed your mind.
Isn't it funny how people
Will keep right on
When they knowl darn well
They're being fooled?
-Cannon Bawl.
Clarissa believes that if you give a
man enough rope he'll swear off
smocking.
CAROLINA STUDENTS!
A Good Place to Eat
MRS. L. K. BEST
1012 Marion Street
One - Half Block From Campus
MOTOR COACH SERVICE
Columbta to Greenville
Lv. Columbia: 7:30 am, 9:30 am,
11:30 am, 2 pm, 3:30 pm, 5 pm
Lv. Greenville: Same Time
HAYES Bus LiNEs
(Incorporated)
1800' Main St. Phone 8788
For Fruit Drinks --
-VISIT --
HAMPTON'S
Home-Made Candies
1218 Main St. Columbia, S. C.
Recepewer Furmshed
Only Place of Its Kind in the City
THE TEST OF YEARS Il
P. H. LACHIC
Diamonds, Jewelry, Sil
1424 Main Street
"As Copelend Goes, So Goes t
MANHATTAN SHIRTS-S'
SWEATERS-MUNS
Everything Seasonable and
COPELAND
1535 Main Street.
Home of Kuppenhe
Ev~
C
ft c
You cannot shrink the new
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precisely the same size. A
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We've just received a
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STh e deft tailoring
-the comfortable, $9L
fulcut in the body|
Hope-D
SYLVAN BROS.
JELELERS AND DIAMOND
MERCHANTS
Most complete stock of sterling
silver prize cups in the Carolinast
Class rings and pins of the better
kind, made up to suit your own
ideas. Come in and let's
get acquainted.
1500 Main St. Columbia, S. C.
"T1E Huse f Qwulity"
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The R. L. BRYAN
COMPANY
Binding, Office Furniture
and Specialties
Columbia, South Carolim
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CAPITAL CITY
LAUNDRY
Specialists is
DRESS SHIRTS & COLLARS
(One Day Service)
1119 Gervais St. Phone 9711
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ETSON HATS-BRADLEY
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imer Good Clothes
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Select your proper size.
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avis Co.