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' ^ ^ ^ ' r -* ; 1 * ?' i ? - 1 ' 1 1 - ... . '. '.' 1 '% 1 -'.u'wi"!"! 1 .. : " '' " 1 .hi' yi" ujn ,'| I-ILI t i"'.' ! ' m,fi. 11 " !' 11 i i 'i'1 vdL XLII. WINNSBOftO, S. C., WEBN^Bl)^ J^GEMBER 30, 1885, ; . NO. 2^; Tho IJiilinppy Gobbler. When -tlic) fat Thimhegivlnur turkoy'fl not Q .gObbMu'e?not ft vohblitig; And (lio btitolior's JiiBt n-looklng 'round for fun?"round for fun, And tho dinner gucHs lor pwoctmoftts aro a tquiibbliug?nro ? tquabbjliitr, Then ft turUoy'8 1 iTo t? not ft linppy ono? hnppy one. Whon tl?o do* Btin'-'a shining high nbovo bis orotiuT?1'uc.vo hip Wollicr, And tho hungry noweboy fcrimps llio BUgnvcd ? bun?sutured bun, mBA, TaldiiK fiio contldoimion with nuothor?with unothor. A turkey's Jot is not n Imppy ono. : L._JLJ 1 ; "! M BAB'S TUKK10Y.' ; A TliiinknitlvliiK Story. ' Barbara! liarbiiv.i Friok!" Mrs;Pottlnjrill's voico rang out sharp and shrill on tho suVrtnior. air, far ahovo the hum of orickots and grasahoppors iu. tho grass; and tho Hitlo pink sunbonnot down llio road camo to usuddon standstill. "Barbara", couio back horo a moment." . ' (v Yos, Mrs. rottingU),,> andihoownor of tho sunboiinct. quickly rotracod hor stops lo tho farm gato, where stood tho tall, ralhor gaunt woman with tho sharp voico. ti'Pltn * /*.. 1 -II ? ? JUIUI^ imnojo II.ITU 1111 IVHIlllcred off into tho woods yonder," sho said," "and a shower is coming up fast. Would you mind driving 'oiu up for mo, Bab? i'vo just got my baking in tlio ovun. The inun folks aro all down in tho lowor moadow, and the young brood will surely bo killed if thoy got wot." Barbara glancod doubtf lly from tho heavy cloud rising in tho "ost to tho woman's anxious fnce, ana thon, boing a good-natured girl, said: I think it will rain in ton minutes, Mrs. Pettingill, but I'll do tho bost I can." "That's a good child! Bo spry and I'll givo you a loaf of fresh broad and a pail of miik to take homo to your mother." 80, thus oncoiirascd, Barbara sot forth across tho plowed Hold, whoro tho whoat and corn woi'o sondiiig up tender green shoots, until she reached .* tho little tract of woodland back of tho farm. Still nothing was to bo doon of tho ' truam.turkeys; and tho thundor now tagigAfMttBfto rumble overhead and llastios H^dU^uninir to play about tho I_? N Hgi a thunderstorm. Hi!" she sighed, "w?-Wo OMi gal am afraid it will ralu boHn a low, mournful "poop! Halo hor look round. SomoH iluttorin^ in tho long grass n,]d. tuinbic-down.rail foneo, Hnoaror sJio found it wa9 ono o turkoy^ that, in nltomptBBiiciizt) botweon tho bars, had Hand was struggling in vain fflfoor littlo dot!" sho oriod, Ho you horoP and whero have Hur and brothors all wandorod rOWlurkcy only answorod with sad lidlo "poop! peep!" aud holp ?u \t.~ ,? ???#????* iuu iiivuuw UJJ11CU, DttrHRra popped tho woo, downy thing inV&tn lioryftprou. and stumbled 011 through tho underbrush, whoro she folt suro that tho spoeklod lion and her turkoy r ~ oWldhm must havo hidden thoiusolvos. ' Dour mo!" cried Barbara, in dismay, "they will nover got over suoh a wotting As ihis. And what will Mra. Pottingill sayP" And &ho was half afraid to meet tho farmer's wife, to whom tho promising young had mount a now blaok silk k dross at Thanksgiving. And JVlrs. Peltingill was angry Mk enough when Barbara drovo tho disW consoiato-looking brood into tho furrnJ yard, and exelaimod in temper: "It is. all your fault, Bab, for not \. having rionso enough to look in tho old ^Sj>asiuro Hist" (for angry pooplo aro rttot to unreasonable). "Thoy aro to pi.no away and dio now, po I shiinV^botUer with 'em any moro^, You net-diiT^havo lrou bled yourself to i^ko care of tTOf""6no forlorn littlo thing, f&r ono isn't worth raising." "Thou tciko it homo, Bab, nail soo what you can do with it," said gbodnaturcd Farmor Pottiugill, -who onmo in in tinio to hoar his wife',8 weirds. "Novor mind Nancy; accidonts will happen, you know, and if thoa'o did wo can sot *tho old brown hen, and havo plenty inoro turkoys in a month." . To which Mrs. Pottingill only tossed hor hoad, niuttoring: "Lato turkoys novor do amount to anything, and Iho.so would havo boon all right now if I had gono nftor 'era ' mysolf and not sont a oaroloss chit liko that," with such a scathing glance at Barbara that sho was glad to beat a linnt.V nlllmH ?lin -J v?*v IMVIIUIIV unuui V1AV. J/iVW *ised broad or n pall of milk, and alio walkod slowly homoward with toars in hor brown oyos and tho bnby turkoy still r'olldd up in hor Apron. Tho Widow Frick, with hor son Hans and daughter Barbara, or Bab, as sho was usually oallod, livod in a rickotv littlo oottago at tho foot of Long Hill, whoro ovorything was shabby ouough, but oloan and noat us n, now pin; although tho no or woman had ofton a hurd'timo tp provide food and clothing for hor littlo familv, ospooiallysfnco an attaoic of malaria In tho spring had, loft hor vorv weak and misoyablo. "Hallo, Bab! wjmt havo you got thoroP" oallod llilns, from tho doorstop, as hi-vslslor entered tho gato; "and you?1dpk as $olomn turold blaok r^tovVhornod owl." ' 4,l guess yorr Would look- solemn, and cross, too, ityou-liad oJiasotl' QVor tli roo rough Holds, torn your olotfros, Bcratchcd your hands, and boonoQondd up in a hollow old troo during a terrific nln.U. ll..? II It? UlllliUUl-JJlVIIM, *?MW UlUII, IVIft only got ft scolding for your jftinai" rotortod Bab, tluis giving vont to her woundod footings. ' Poor Uabblo?do~babl Did you bring homo tho scolding hyyour apron?" inughod Hans. v No, jindood! 'I was glad onough to loavo it bohind mo. This ia a poor littlo tufkoy." And Bab produood tho woo, troubling bild< , ? ' VVhoro did you got itP? a$kod Mrs* Frick. an no a rincr in thb dobrwav. And* silting (Town, l|arbai'ft related hor morning's, advonturb at tho Pettin\ gill Farm. "But tho turkoy won't live," said Hans, whon alio had finished. "Thoy rP$.v. >. * aro iuo unrueas tilings in cuo worm to raise." " "I shall try, anyway," said Bab, gently smoothing tho soft, yellow down. And sho make tho llttlo follow a ooop in ono corner of the yard, and fod and tended him with suoh oaro throughout tho summer, that, contrary Al 1- ? It 1 1 IU Ult VApUUbtltlUUUi UU I1VUU uuu thrivod, aud grow iuto as fino a turkey gobbler as any ono would wish to seo. ..Mrs* Pottinglll's, howoyor, fulfilled her prediction, took colu, and dwindled away, until not ono was loft of all the ten. Bab named her bird Christophor Columbus, beoauso he was ouch an exploror, always diving into odd and uuoxpcctod placos. Now ho tried tho cupboard, next investigated the ovon, while, a moniont lator, ho was foraging among tho oabbages, and onco almost singed his bill pokipg it into a pan of hot ashos. ' He was devoted to his little mistress, and 'hopped after bof, up aud down stairs, and around tho garden, and, like Mary's lamb, ovon "followed hor to school 0110 day." "Ho is tho doarost, s woo tost pet that evor JivesI" Bab would exclaim, hugging Christopher around tho nock, and showoring his head with kisses. "And did you over soo moro lovoly foathors ?all green and blue and goldP" , At which be would spread his tail, swell out his throat, and strut around as though ho know ho was boing admired. "Your ono turkoy boats mino all hollow," said Farmer Fottingill onomollow October day, stopping to loan ovor the fenCo and chat with Bab. "Although tho brown hen has roplacod Spocklo's brood, I have nono as big or fat. Ho will bring a nico little sum at Thanksgiving." "What! Soli Christonhor ColumbnsP Novor!" And Bab's oyos llashod indignantly at tho idea. "My daiding pot shall novor bo- roasted and oaton, but dio of old ago, liko a roapcctablo bird." "Why, tho uionoy ho would bring would got yon no ond of ribbons and laco," continued tho fartuor, toasingly. "And girls lovo linory moro than anything I Know." "I would rathor go in rags, and koop Christopher Columbus," said Bab, iirrmy, picKing a oaterpillar oil" a cabbage, and prosonting it to tho turkey, who mado way Mrith tho dainty morsol '/a r:'CTr>ak'fug. ~ ' v Mr. Pottingill laughed heartii^*, Hand passed on; but ho thought: v> "Sho is a spicy littlo thing. 1 wish' > alio was my daughter. How sho would brighton up tho old homostoad!" Tho cold woathor camo very oarly that yoar, and tho first part of Novombor Mrs. Frick had a sovcro attack of her old complaint, and was unablo to leave her bed. It was hard lines, then, for Hans and Bab; lor though thoy stayed homo from school, and workod all tho odd jobs thoy could get, thoy daily saw their juiubuur giowing minuor anil paler, and tbo small supply of silvor in tho old bluo woolon stookiug that sorvod thom for a bank rapidly waxing loss and loss. Tho dootor lookod gravo whon ho was finally callod in, but said ho thought rest and good nourishing food would do a groat doal for Mrs. Prick, and, abovo all, sho must luwo.a certain tonic, which ho montionod. "It is exponsivo?threo dollars a bottlo," ho said, at parting, as ho buttoned up his heavy fur coat, "but it has worked wonderful euros in thoso malarial cases, and I am sum i<i iuat. wimi sbo noods." And ho nodded "good-day" qnd rode homo to his dinuor of roast boef and oysters, leaving poor, hard-worked Hans and Barbara gazing at each other in - dismay. "OJi, brothor! what shall wo doP" asked Bab. "There is only ono dollar und a halt loft in the stocking, and I am not to bo paid for tho sooks 1 am knitting until thoy are finished, while *?.? * - luwm 1.-) uuilllllg 111 tuo 1101180 to mane broth of, aod as for wino for tho mother, that' is out of tho quostion." "I don't know," said Hans, sadly, going to tho window, and looking out into tho littlo garden, whore Christopher Columbus was marching up and down, making deep tracks in tho puro whito snow. "1 wish I did." Bab was cry\ng softly, tho big tears running down her ohqekd, and dropping into the bean soup shoVas taking from tho fire/ whoa1 Haua sudden)y remarkodi , . "Bab, do . you kiioW it only wants . throo' (lays to ThanksgivingP" "Yea; .but;wo need not, trouble ourHolyos tiJL>pub our Thanksgiyiug dinner. JjfcWill be .only broad and beans, as ititVftl. The other vegetables must be saved' fdif Aether." , . i .ii> .in /htijite2>. i?'* * - -uuvrnwyrx^vopaor 13 vory big and fat?alipotyt tho biggest turkey 1 ovor saw." >\VhA't',d<> you MoanP" oriod Iiarbavti, stopping; in tho middle of tho iloor, 8rtuco-p:ui in hand. . Hans'turned vory r<w); nhd ho did not lbok at lili ststor, titit stammered: An, uao, wo oan't lot tho mother dloi" And then ho ran out of tho room and tho houso, (damming tho door after him. Bab sot down tho iron vossol, dropped into a chair, and covorod hor face with lior hand*, and alio novo? movod until |ior mother called hor from tho adjoining bod?toom, when sho answered tho atuuinons with palo olieoks and swollen oyos, but a now look of determination about her roav - - - - tf lips. . Sho found Mra. Frlok fooling much Worse, and was busy with hor until Hans ctuno baok to din nor.. linrbnra c6uld not oat, but u loud "gobblot gpbblot" outstdo told that Oiiristophor was hungry, and sho oarriod out hor nhavo of tho moat for hitn. Sho watohod him onjoy it until tho last hoan had dlsappodred, but,, as silo piokod up tho oulptv dish, orlod: ''Oh*,Chris, Christ dear Christ I'm afraid you will have to go, aftor all." Ana, throwing hor arms around tho bird's slcndor nock, sho sobbed us though hor hoaift would bronk. I'ho'turkoy pookod at hor ohook af- j feotionatoly, and trlod to follow hor in- I ddors, but sho shut him out, and going j .straight to her brother, said: "Hans, yort may tako Christophor to Fartnor Pottingill to-night and ask him 10 carry iiiiu to market Willi his own poultry to-morrovv}" at which Ilntis notiiloil assont, but did not vouturo to uttor a single word. So it happunod that tho good (armor was surprised that night by tho ap uuuruuuu ox a siuniv ooy Uoarlng a uugo turUoy lluit niiirrlly ro->uniori auoh treatment, an i sci'aU-h'Hl ami kickod as though Im know it was for hi< lifo. Il was a sad story th;it UaiiH bad to rolato, ami Mr. I'oUin^ill blow Ills noso audsiid, "Poor liulo tfirl, poor littlo rrit*t o'ntrikit .1 I Sn\?a .lunlit IMll'JO Mill lil^ ll|U lUUIlikl) ^though his bettor-half, from tho dopths of lint pantry mullered: ' Just like poor follcst Thoy novor save up anything for a rain)' day." But ho promised to disposo of tho poor "explorer," who, witli Ids glory all dopartod, now lay hoiplossly tlod by tho logs and to bring from town tuo required modioino for tho invalid,and liio lad was sont home ladon with a sack of meal and a Hue basket of up pios iroin ciio larm. Tlio next two days wore very sad ones to Bab. Slio missed lior pot everywhere, ami was constantly haunted by visions of Christopher, divested o? his royal plumage, and served up, brown and smoking, to graoo soiuo Thanksgiving fo iSl. S;io piokod up a fow little fuathors in tho yard and watered them with her tears as sho laid thein carefully away in a box that contained her treasures. But she was somewhat oousolod by tho goud tho tonic seoinod to do hor mothur, almost immediately, niul was grateful for the extra lwo dollars Farmer Pettingill slipped into her hand, t.Jm nricn nt' itnm* fill i*i<l O.ilnm I 1 ? 'WI'"V* """""" bus. Thanksgiving morning dawod clear and cold, and tho church bulls rang out clear ami swuot on tho frosty air, bidding tho good pooplo from far and near como and join in tho groat Harvest Homo Festival. Merry family parlios dashed iu largo open sleighs, and yonng folks in holiday attiro troopod down tho hill to tho quaiut old church hidden among tho troos. II.. K (I.. 1 ! TT jfiiu juuiuu mhj iuavillg nilUS to take oaro of their mother, and crept softly iuto a back soul; but hor hoart was hoavy anil hor voice was brokou whon alio triod to sing the Thanksgiving liytun. Farmer Fottinojill and his wife stood on tho porch as slio came out, the latter resplendent in a new black silk, and tho fanner shook Bab's hand heartily, saying: "Cheer up, nitlo one. It may bo a ^happier Thanksgiving than you think for after all." | Hut tho girl only shook hor head, and drawing hor thin shawl around Iiiu*. Iiiirrii (I ilmvn Jin ii'iHi ( Good cheer, my Bnbblo-do-Bab!" oriod llans, as ho throNtf" 6pt>n tliii tlboi' at iiov knock. "Just look thorel" Atul Barbara opened her oyos in glad surprise at tho feast of good things sot forth oil tho old pino tublo. A largo, plump turkey, drossod and proparod for roasting, was llaukod on one side by vegetables of all kinds, and on tho oilier by two niinco and pumpkin pies, while rosy red apples, nuts and cider all promised a Thanksgiving dinner such as had not boon known in tho little house for many a long yoai". "Oil, how nice!" cried Bab. "Tho Peltingills brought thom on their way to church,said Hans, "and mother fools so lliiU'.h bnf.f.mv aim thin Ira sho will como to tho inblo to-day. So hurry up and got dinner roady." All was nearly roady, and a delicious, appetizing odor porvading the small kitchon, when suddenly tho smllo vanished from .Bab's faoo, and with a look of horror, sho turned to Hans, who was sotlimr tho table, and asked earnestly: 4,IIans, toll mo! Do you think Farmor Pottingill would bo so cruol as to sornl us back Christopher Columbus, dead and stuffodP" It was a droadful thought, and took both thoir appotitos away. So Mrs. Frick was quite distressed to seo how littlo thoy secmod to caro for tho unwontod good things. "No lurkoy, Bab!" alio oxolaimed. "Why, how is thatP" as tho girl shook hor head anil pushod asido hor plato. "It would choko mo," sobbod Barbara; "for it may?it may bo Curia." At that moment, howovor, a pocullav sound without brought thom all to their foot. "What's thatP" oriod Bab, turning palo. "It sounds remarkablv familiar." Hilirl TTnilCJ na o Inml "VnUKI rt! nnliUlnl >tM ! ?vuvi gUWVIiVi foil on their oars, and mado a dash for tho window, whoro ho saw something that causod hiin to danco for joy, as ho shouted: "Oh, 13ab! Bab! as suro as you'ro alivo, hero is old Christopher Columuus, as bis' and saucy as ovor, bogging to como in." Nooil I say that ho had not to bog long, but in anothor instant was in tho middle of tho room, with tho wholo family laugh.ng and orying ovor him in a perfect ccstacy of dolight, while ho n.il.Kswl l.t. 1 1 -I.-? - ? I iuuuvu 1113 ilUUU Il^illllSU I/UOir CI100KS, and aoomod equally as ploasod to bo at homo onco inoio. llound tho tnrkoy's nook was tiod a note, addroasod to Miss Barbara Frick, which sho road aloud: Dcai Unb?PloftBo ncoopt this TlmnkSKivliiK turkey In placo of tho broad and milk I failed to rIvo you la?t Buinrnor, and I a?k your pardon for all 1 may liuvo feiild on that day; but I waa awful mad at tho Iops of tho brood. Yours rcspcotfiilly. nanCy putting ill. "That is just likehor," laughed Mrs. Frlok, "rough ami impulsive, but kindJioaried undor it all." ' "I am so sorry I over called hor a cross old tiling,'' said Bab; "for, oh, Chris! tlfrs pays for everything, ami you aro tho vory host Thanksgiving gift I could have had." So tho dinner was a success after all, and Mrs. Friok had now no roason to complain of hor children's appotitos, while Christopher Columbus behaved like a cannibal, picking tho bones of his unfortiimite fellow turkey with tho greatest zest, and Thanksgiving joy and ehoor roiirund in lint lhi.ln under Iho hill??Agues Carr Huge. A A step toward abolishing tlio high lint uubunco at tlio theatre has just boon taken by tlio managomont of a Vicuna pluy house, which onion) that 4x11 feinulo patronizors must either wear .low iiuuu-gour or lovogo mo pionsuro of altcudauco at tho umforimmcos. THE WISE OF TH1* CHESTNUT, It is ft matter of roprofcch to our so-* oiftl soiontists'that the habits and mis- i toms of tho joke liavo ro?K>lVo'd so Ilttlo I attention. It is an error of tho vulgar I to supposo tlmt ft joko is ft jHdrafy 100- 1 toor that ilashos across tho iritollootual < sky for ft moment and tijton disappears S forever. Evon trained Observers havo ] boon docoivod into, ejcptesslug qriuoh ( tho samo opinion; ahak/ji dolobrat'dd i ~ v.r.. ?i uvuv hv* t ?wvr i iiy j justify us in oouooaling ;lda naiuo in 1 commotion with tho ohargo, was hoard J to deolard chat a jokb w$$ "an instanco I of intollootnal aberration unworthy of sofioup attpntiou." Nothing could bo \ furthor from tlio faots. ^tyeaving asldo < any dlaoussion of tho frr& oniiso of tho ji joke, which would InvofvV as in *tlio I obsouritios of motuphysicjil diSousslon, wqTtaay stato boldly tnaVitjlio joko has woll-doiinod habits and n poouiiarities, < and, a study of its history and dovolop- ^ ment la woll worthy tho attontion of j tho forompat minds in science. It Is ovidont to any obsprvor that tho , joko tuay bo acouratoly divided into , races and nationalities.' ?Jo oho who \ had paid tho slightest attoution to the subjoct could possibly iuiatako a Gor- ] man joko for a French ioko, or a { French joko for a British joko. In fact, they ai*o as plaiuly marked off from ( #ach other as any two broods of dogs, f and each undoubtedly haft its different , habits. An adoquato discussion of the , subject can not oven bo outlined in this column. Novortbolcss, as a small con iiiuiiiiuu iu ?n uuporcanp buojooc, wo oft'or tho following account of ft singlo member of tho largo nnd intorostlug family known as tho American joko: It is oight months or mora siuco tho chestnut joko first saw tlio light. Its birth is involved, in obscurity, iu spito t of oarncst efforts to traco its nncostry. In tho curly days of its existonco it gavo no sign of coming greatness. Wo know tho story of tho stHi^ol nt Brlonuo, whoro' Bouriouno took. tho prizes * oVcr Napoleon; Bourionno is now romemborcd not as tho "prizo boy," but us Nepoleon's secretary. . In n like manner tho tin-pan ioko or tho niggcrbaby joko of ovon date with tho ohostnnt soomod surer of fame. At tho timo 1 tho ehostnut appourod tho palnt-tho- J town-red joko whs at tho height of its 1 lame. Its monthly appoarnnoo in Jannary was twenty-six thousand sovon hundred aud forty-six, which is sur- 4 passed only by its unprecedented November record of thirty-oigfit thousand nine hundred, duo to tho local disturbing causo of a Domoeratio victory that month at tho polls. For. tho snmo 1 month tho chestnut appeared iu public but a boggarly ono hundred and olovon ' times. Previous to that dato it was so i i j/c- ? ?. - rflsbtota ii -.i . iiisigiiiiiuuiu as not 10 6jC3?l "woi'tuy ol record. Starting fron^th& point, wo sou tho gradual riso o*> tho chcsnut and tho corresponding dcoliuo of paint-tho- 1 town-rod. In February tho chestnut * appeared twolvo hundred and forty- J four times, and tho paint-the-town-ved appeared twonty-fivo thousand nino t hundred and fourtoen times. This doi'S 1 not necessarily indicato any falling oft* in the popularity of tho lattor, for tho (iffiidt of hsir<l limns ivnn ninat. onwnfnlir l folt that month, tho total output of jokes being six per cont under that of ] January; but tho incroaso of the chest- i nut joko under such unfavorable cir- ] eumstances is truly signilioant. Tho following month paint-the-towu-red i nearly held its own, appearing twoutylive thousand sovon hundred aud ninotoen times, but tho chestnut ineroasod ( to thirty-two liuudvod. Tho following ; month it increased by olovon hundred, while tho paint-the-town-rcd declined by nenrly tho same number. But in fr.hn tnniii.li nf TVfnv ihn nlinahnnK lnn?\nrl ? ? --- V " ?" V ? ?'J ?* " W..WMVMMW ?U|?|/VU at otio astonishing bound to fourteen thousand seven hundred and eighty appearances, its only one rival coming down something less than the samo tigure. it is scarcely necessary to go further into details. The August roturns give a total ot more than twonty-nino thousand appearances for thochostnut.whilo its rival is all but as extinct as Mr. Crawford's "dado." Tho roports for the first half of tho present month indicate that tho total will fall little if any below that of August, although tho roturn-of-tho-summei'cVoardor has actod as a disturbing olomont Wo t may assumo liowovor, from tho lore- 1 goinp figures that tho ohostnut has roaohed its full dovolonmont, and is doomod to a spoody doolino. It is daugorous to goneralizo from but two or threo instances, but from tho obvious similarity of tho oaroors of tho bucoossful American joke, it is almost certain that their existcnco is dotorminod by fixed and immutablo laws. Wo havo not tho figures at had to verify this Btalonjont, but wo pronounco it in all ooulidoncc. Wo may suppose, thorcforo, that tho' ohostnUt must follow tho path alroady troditen by paiut-tlio-town-vod and its jjiuuuuuhsoi'b, auu, nuor aooing mo riso of somo succossful rival that is ovoq now in tho obsonro throng,will bccoino oxtinct in about eight months. Its riso has taken an equal length of time. In spito of a fow woll-known oxcoptions whoro a joko has boon able to survivo in a toothloss, mumbling condition for two or throo yoars, wo . may Bafoly ui/uiu mill mo uvorngo mo 01 mo successful Amorican joko is sixtoon or, at tho most, oighteon months. Tho subjoot is ono of much inlorost.nnd should attract somo young nnd onthusiustio social scientist. . ? ? ? "I am a vory timid man," writos a subscriber in Ohio. "1 am norvous, constitutionally timid; a vory coward, in fact. I am ashamed of it, but I can't holp it. Now, what profession or occupation can I adopt in tho practice of which I will bo most porfootly safo from harm or dangorP" Go to Franco, my son; go to Franco and bo a duolist. Or you might romain in Amorica and bo a pugilist."?Brooklyn Eagle. Tktoro'll bo a protty how-do-do n m An<y Maiu 1 a 4l?-% (IIMVUg JLIUlf UUIflUjr HUT J UIO II tliu courts follow up tho prooodont ostab* ] lishod by Yico-Chuncollor Bird In his '' decision that a lawyor who iuducos a * ollont to givo an $8,000 mortgas^o for ! $976 and then soils It himsoli for $4,200 ' must turn tho prollt ovor to tho cliont instoad of pookotlng it hltnsolf. Jorsoy nottifoggors will fail to soo tho use of 1 being lawyors if they havo to bo as ] honost asothov mon.?Allentoion (/'?.) 1 Iteaister. OWil-Soiyloo Examination. t . . Mr. \Fame8 Fly'rowalkor, having bo3Qiuo tirod of maohine politics, aspires to a permanent offleiftl position under tbd' Fedoral Govornmoni, aiul having 'lAd nnvnvnl vanfo* nYnnrlnnoftoo a dikvow - V? ? v? ? ? ^ vy?w vol/V? *VMVV WW W UMgWA )xpprt, ho applios for tho office of Sugar Inspector io tho customs sorvloe. tn duo timo ho ts eurumonod boforo tho Divii Sorvloo Examining Board. Foolug confident of his gonoral intolilzonce, and of his spooial qualifications lor tho position, bo prqsonta himself lor examination, wearing an oasy and JCnignantHinile. Mr. Flurowalkor rapidly collcots bis thoughts togethor and trios to corioon:rato all tho faculties of his miud in roadless for tbp first question^ which io Isajjittlo fearful mayi bo a pOior. V M,TIIH FIRST QUESTION. .' ' - In aniline from Mojiiiitihlunn thft Straits of Malabar, what uro tho variations in the magnotio noodle, aud what 3 tho oauso of thoBo varialionsP" Mr. Flurowalkor requests a repetition of tho quostiou. It is ropoated ,wioo?tUi'oo times?but Mr. P. is too lurriod to reply. ''Perhaps you oan toll us whdre Mozambique isP" says ono of tho ox* iminors. * Oh, yos! Of course. Why, it is v<V ^ I ? U ? JIX IV/ II1U U(19blT(UU DUUIUfTIIUlU?HU irchipolago Or a peninsula, or something. It is eomowhoro near Mesopotamia." "That will do, sir." 'What is the rule in Shelly's casoP" "Ehl in Sholly's oaaeP" "Yo?, sir." "Well, 1 suppose it's the same rule is with any othor man. If ho is iquarely olcctori, count him in. I lovei* hoard ihut Sholly had any particular pull." "That will do, sir." THIRD QUE8TION. "Dosoribo tho process of germination n a 8uod." "In a seotlP'' ..tr _ . t *1 t ' i ?AOS, sir. 4,Tlio process of wkatP" Germination." Old Tho progress of tho Gorman mtion! Well, since tho bnttlo of Soouiggratz and tho war with Franco ;horc " 'That will do." "What is meant by tho procession of ;ho equinoxes?" Tho equinoxosP" Yos." Tho pvocossion of tho oquinoxosP" 14*\T /\ t t Im a# * l? *? ? - ? ! jliui iiiv j'i?v/v^diuu ui iuu uquilOXOS." Novor hoard of it. What does it olato toP" "Cosmogony." "WhatP" Well, astronomy." "O! I 800 now, goutlomon; you must lavo mado a mistake. I arm not au applicant for au astronomical position. [ only want to bo a.sugar inspector." "That will do, sir. Wo wo quite iwaro of that. Now pay attention and answer our quostions. EIFTH QUESTION. -uvixpiain tno relation 01 tuo moloouar thoory to tho nebular hypothesis." No, I thank you, 1 had rather not. Perhaps you had hotter put some of four civil-sorvico questions to tho ?residont and somo of his Cabinot yVhon thoy pass I will call around igain." "Sir, you may go." And Mr. Flui'owalkor coos?yos, ho joes hack to maohino politics.?N. Y. i'elegram. She Took off her Hat. plofo r Allien lf"h Aryn* ima VIULU ilLVHUg^ ililvJ J^iyuu UU* ortainmont enough to audiences, 0110 vould suppose, writes a Now York jorrospondont.to havo earned tho fight ;o onjoy horsolf as an auditor when iho chooses. But I sat next to hor in i thoater tho othor ovotiing whon two tallows directly behind her would not ot hor havo a good timo. Sho was Handsomely dressed, and on her head rvns ono of those toworing hats that iro now in high favor, oxcwpt with ;hoso whoso viow of a performance is jy thorn obscured, and to this class of )T>joctors bolongod tho ohaps at tho roar of Misr Kellogg. 'I say, 0 u," ono romarkod, in a hrilliug wlusper, "did you ovor try to uark tho hoight of astovopipo hat from tho lloor up the sido of a room by os,imatoP YosP Thon you mado it as licjh as a flowor-barrol, likoly. Now, I'll bet you tho drinks that this millilory construction is a silk liat and a aalr tall; and I'll hold ruino up for a aioasuromont." " Tho wagor was mado, tho hat was jpliftod for comparison, and it was lotilod without dispute that tho hdlghts [rom brim to orown wore oxaotly tho iattio. A glance around tho tnoator ihowcd that tho samo surprising faot lyas realized on dozons of womon's loads. But tho bot was not so readily leoidod, for from Miss. Kellogg's hat mroso two fcathors six or oicrht inches further, ami tho wagorers could not igroo wnothor thoy wero to bo considnod as part of tho structuro itsolf. Tho prima (lonna-grow lidgoty in hearing tho dialoguo, and lior color roddenod jonsidoraoly. "Do you romorabor," said ono of hor tormentors, after an intorval of silont jndoavor to soo past tho constantlydrifting obstruction to what was going >n in tlio stftiro show. Mnn nnnnrntno ;hiit liollor used to oXhibit for looking through a briokP Thoro was an arrangornont of Jittlo mirrors, so tliat although tho briok was right in tho raugo of vision, solid ana opaquo, you could jloarly seo what was dircotly on tho >thor sido." "Woll, what of itP" rospondod tho >thov. "Oh, nothing: only I was thinking that tho contrivanoo oould mako good brimming for ladios* hats this soason." Thoro was ouch an outburst of laughtor from all of us within hoaring that tho atago-porforrttera must havo thought that thoy had mado a phonahmnn 1 ' IiIf In avaImqIvaIa?a an/vfi I??M ??? vAvaiigiT vij vuu nj.JKJV) Mid then Miss. Kollogg, smiling but jrimson, romovod her hat, and sat luring tho rest of tho ovening barelioadod, nftor the forolga fashion. "Robinson Crusoe's gun and aoaohost" woro shown in downright onrnost to an amuseii tourist, in Fifoshiro, Scotland, tho othor day. ,. " . . i .\l ; ''' .Curious Coins. ? ? "What is that euHoua-lookltig ooppor plccoP" askod a reporter of a dealer in old 'col08. ? "That 1s tho Rotuan Aes, a coin' which was in uso in Rome aboht 2,200 years ago. It is an original: it could not bd spurious, and. for the reason that though tbe coin itself, so. far as its outward snap? is concerncd, might bo counterfeited, it woiild bo impossible to imitate the red patina. > or coating, upon it. You soo, this coin has two oCatings of colored matter?one green and the othor red. Woll, tfy> green Can bo imitated by modoru ingenuity, but the red stuff can not he put upon counterfeit coins by any probes*. rii prbsont known t& tbo fcond/' ' ^ ii uv?v mv JWU guv IUVIOO ttUUWUfc coins that wor.o in Use so many yoara ngoP WUoro aro thoy foundP" "Well, you soo, pcoplo in those auolont timos did hot have banks and bank vaults to deposit thoir woalth in for safe-kcoping. As you know, the Remans wore almost constantly at warfare with othors, and those who had monoy would frequently hide it in the oarth or sociu'o it in tho walls of thoir dwellings when thoy went to the rni ? "* wurs. xuoso wuo woro KUlod loft, quite often* no traco of whore their woalth was hkjdou, and so it remained to bo resurrected by somo modern relio buBtor. A great many ancient coins have boon found also in river bods. - I think that in many instances thoy wore put into rivors by pooplo who wished to have thoir history romombored by the comiug ages. There havo been coins found in tho Thamos noar old Loudon bridgo by which wo can trace many of tho Romau omporors. Tho fact that thoy liavo thus boon found iii prder seoms to olearly indioato that thoy woro dopositod on purposo by gorsous .desirous of porpetuatiug tho nnnies of tho rulors. Thus, by theso coins of ancient Homo, many things portaining to tbat groat ompiro which rulod as uiistross of tho world tiro made known to us. > Many things nro indelibly impressed upon tho mind by giauoing at theso coins and afterward bocoming intorostod in tho subjoot. I do not boliove thero can bo a hotter educator of tho histoi'y of any country than a collection of its coins. The symbolic devicos and inscriptions npon them have a prlooloss value in fixing upon the mind tho groat facts and CUOChs to Wllicll tbov roffilV Krit nnlir .. ? v??j doos this apply to anoiont coins; it is oqually true of modorn coins. Hore 1s something that to tho thinking man indicates a grout social and business revolution in tho manuor and customs of . tho pooplo who uso it, for hore you soo a specimen of tho largost coin ovor known to bo in uso anywhere." The reporter was struck with amazomont when informod that tho hugo squaro copper plattor-Hko affair was a coin. Proceeding, tho doalor said: "Yes, it is a Swedish pioco and generally woiffha from 6 to 7 noimilfi. Tlila ono woiglis 61 pounds. It is ioj inohos wido by 9} inches long, and is a very rare coin. It was made during tho reign of Frederick, king of Sweden, iu tho year 1723. In tho oonter of tho piece, inoioscd iu a circltf, you seo tho stamp *4?dolor,' and undorneavh tho words 'Silf mynt' (silver money), and in oach of the four corners,, and in order to prevent tho coin boing clippod, they woro stamped with tho royal coat of arms."?lioston Globe. Lord Houghton's Peculiarities. As a poet it is easy tounderrato Lord 1 u 1- ?- - nuuviuuii, ivuu iu is uquniiy onsy 10 overrate him. With him it was all of life to live, if not all of death to die. To such the richest fouutains of poetical inspiration aro nevor opoued. It may bo doubted whether any poet of his time, lioWovor, more adequately expressed what and all of what ho folt and wishod to say. Pex'aons of doubtful positions and things of a more or less disorderly charactor had a strange fasoination for hismuso as they had for himself. He folt as lively a curiosity to know a phenomonally bad man as a phonomonally good one, partly, perhaps, bocauso according to conventional standards tho latter aro the rarer. Nothing human or inhuman lay boyond tho rango of his curiosity?a peculiarity which I onco heard illustratod by ? I -A .1 tuu iuiiuwiug mory. wnomor iruo or not, tlioro is nothing improbablo about it. A criminal was to be hung at nine o'olock, the ovout to bo announood to tho publio by tho tiring of a gun. Some ono at Houghton's broakfast table remarked that it was nftor nino and tho gun had not boon lirod; tho oxocution, thoroforo, must havo boon postponed. Oil no," promptly replied ids sister; "tho man has suroly boon hung, or uroiuor wou'u nnvo una mm iioro nt breakfast." Wliothor from a spirit of gonorous toloration, or cimrity, or lovo of fulr play, or sympathy for tho woakor party, or a curious tnoto for the paradoxioal, or all thoso combinod, his iuuso soomod to havo boon consecrated' to tho dofonso of pooplo and conduot that woro on tho dofonsivo. Though not ranking with tho groat poots of the world, Lord Houghton long beforo his death had secured for himsolf an eb* during placo among tho poots of XSn? inuui?juLun* t/vr&r* AJiyviuus, vr# iiarpcr 3 Magazine for November. Wanted ICHznbotti, Anyway. Hor affections contor upon a doll whoso nnmo~tho longest nor tongue ooukl frame at tho tirno it was bdstowod?is Elizaboth. For sonio misdomofinor of unusual gravity this young liuly was sont to boa at an oarly hour, ana in tho woo attouding tho infliction of this punishment sho forgot to tako with hor tlio ohorishod Klizaboth to shnro hor couoh. Realizing her deao? lation 8ho summoned hor 'mother by calls from tho chamber: "Mamma! I want Elizaboth. Ploaso bring Eli/aboth up to mot" This mitigation of tho ponalty wan doniod; but tho demand was ropoatod, oach rofuoal boing followed by a yot more potulaut request, until finally thoro came a suggestion of tho lost resort of matornal diuoiolino: Nollic, 1 am afraid I shall havo to como up antj punish you." , Quick camo tho rcsponso, puuotuat~ oil with sob*: 'Well, when you como up, ploaso bring Eliseabothi"?io?ton ltecorU. ^ j WIT AND HUmUC. ' >0- - ' Willi? kissod BuBloTonontTthe rosoj tboroeo was In bud aad the oorn Ift ltb? r. 0 Andthollnt of rouir? on thetlpofbii noso i; < ' Koiuftined with Wlliio M Suo voneor. r ?Hamtltou Bpootator. 3 < The very fushiouablo youug man has ordered a slow yacht, beoauae "it'a English* yo know." - ; -i .1 We Will allow 80 cents aplsoefor grown nana to parlies whose paper baa been stoppod and are still owing us for it?Blakely (<7a.) News. ! "Does your family play ball?'* waS' fceked of a Jittlo shaver. "Mo and moth or does," he replied. "X< bawl, and > she makes the base-hits." ?<rTid-Bii*. . n..\ !lv. i.M" 'The Troy ZYmw says<< that "when a Massachusetts Postmaster gits a letter addressed to somebody, 'K pan,' he at ones ehuoks it into the mail-bag for Cape Ann." An old goat iu Mississippi recently ate 200 green cucttmbera,then broko > into a drug store, butted the top off a a bottle of oastor-oil and swallowed the contents.?The Rambler. Tho London Medical Timet thinks that the treatment of snake bite by putting gunpowder on the wound and totiohidg it off with a match may be thought rough, but is often Bucoessfuh Freshman Professor (holding up a written pxeroise)-?"I perceive that this J.U. ? J - *- - I uuu Tf ma UUJ'IDU UUUt VUMIUO UOifS? Tho man who handed it in will remain." A half-dozen remained.?Fata Record. ? '' AJL ? - uuuicu uuruun uonuoic nas eigut owls ovfrfr bis Newport gate. It taxes a good many omblems to properly convoy to tho public an idoa of all the wisdom of a Now York newspapor? St. Louis Post'Dispatch. < A grocor's boy complained to his employer that he was worked too hard ana did not get sufficient rest ' I know, Johnny,", admitted the grocer/, "that you are kept pretty hmy most of the time, but I'll boo what can bo done. Perhaps when cold weather sets in I'll let yoii'draw molasses onco in a while." Judge?"Prisoner at tho bar, you at? charged with .willful murdor. Are you guilty or not guilty f" Prisoner? "Juugo, what*a the uso ot putting it that'wayP Ae you put it, itfa a difficult question to deoldo. S'posen we simplify tho mattor by goin in (or a disagreement of tho jury."?Boston Transcript. An nrticlo in an oxcbange is beaded* "Why President Cleveland Didn't pi?i, a i >? i.-- ia. JL-1DU uuuu??Jf HO ilWVCU ll rORU )f| but suppose it was because he spaded up half an aero of ground without finding a single worm. We have frequently boon in tho same aggravating predicamout. P. S.-J-On a wook day.?> Xorrislown Ucralil. "What you Want," said the barber, as ho rau his fingors through the few remaining hairs on the head of a customor; "what you want is a bottle of "Wliat I want/1 ropliod tho customer, 4,ia a divorce." And tho barbor said no more.? JBoi' ton Courier. "If I woro you and yon were V' sh? sang vigorously at tho piano, and, turning to him, said: "What would . you do?" "Well, love," he answered, "judging from your disposition and tho color of your hair, I'd say you would tako a club and knock me off that piano stool if I didn't stop tinging.?Merchant Traveler. A young Harvard man who was traveling in England this pummer wac asked by a gentleman in Birmingham . . if lSoston was not the "seat of tho American Parliament" Ho replied promptly: "Yos, it wag up to the boginning of tlie Christian era, when it was transferred to St Paul, Minn., in honor of the apostle who converted tho Mlnnosotans.Botton Courier. He was standing at the Union Club* oornor of Fifth avenue, toying with the tire hairs which constituted his right wuiBKor, wnon ft passing cabman hail- >. ed him with? "Hansom, sir?" "Eh! what?" ho demanded, starting. "Hansom, sir, hansom," repeated tho Jarver. "Well, what of it?" ho said, angrily. "Cawn't a follah show himself in this blawsted town without having hit aw* appfturanco common tod onP,,J "And ho trlppod ovor to Glenham to drown his indignation in a tankard of hif.tnr VV>- T)mi Lou is a woo lnssio of 4 summer** with a quaint use of English. The intormlttont tooting of a locomotive oausod her to olap hor chubby hands to her oars with a funny littlo frown oxprossive of disgust. "What's tho mattor, LouP" her mothor askod. w;. ?> *.. / i "O, I'm fastening out that orookr* ????? ?? ?AUiao? ' * , Tho other day she was asked whoth- , or she would rathor go boat-riding to tho island or spond tho afternoon with grandmamma. ; > ' '' "1 wont to go both wheres," wm tho prompt roply.?//arpcr'f Bazar. A wild specimen of tho native Virginian entered Staunton tho othor day and askod credit for sorao tobacco and sugar tat a grocery, promising to pay in elx weeks, v , :<1 "On what do you base your expects tions of being ablo to pay iii thai tinioP" askod tho girocor. "On coon skins," was the prompt roply. ' ' / "But you may notcatoh anycoon*." < 0 a a fn I li f ?f MV -V ?MW?| ?k IV UW f w??ywu V* 'om already plugged up iu ft holler troo, and am only waiting for the fur to git prlmo!" firo got the good*.? Wall Street News. ,1J .(< r In Ids "HUtorioal Sketohes of th* . Towtt of Swatnpscott" Waldo Thomp. , son, of Lynn, stato that about 1836 John M. I VPs, of Salem, received two or throo marrow squash soede from a j nogross, whoso husband was ft cook . upon one of tho merchant ships, Cap* turn Liora, irorn Valparaiso. llo also obtainod tho tomato seed in the kama' ' manner as "lore apple," and, ftfter . growing them a yoar or two back of bis storo, be was told by a sea captain that they were eatable, and from that timo tbey woro used as food. *f ' ' * .