The Fairfield news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1881-1900, December 30, 1885, Image 1
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-* ; 1 * ?' i ? - 1 ' 1 1 - ... . '. '.' 1 '% 1 -'.u'wi"!"! 1 .. : " '' " 1 .hi' yi" ujn ,'| I-ILI t i"'.' ! ' m,fi. 11 " !' 11 i i 'i'1
vdL XLII. WINNSBOftO, S. C., WEBN^Bl)^ J^GEMBER 30, 1885, ; . NO. 2^;
Tho IJiilinppy Gobbler.
When -tlic) fat Thimhegivlnur turkoy'fl not Q
.gObbMu'e?not ft vohblitig;
And (lio btitolior's JiiBt n-looklng 'round for
fun?"round for fun,
And tho dinner gucHs lor pwoctmoftts aro a
tquiibbliug?nro ? tquabbjliitr,
Then ft turUoy'8 1 iTo t? not ft linppy ono?
hnppy one.
Whon tl?o do* Btin'-'a shining high nbovo bis
orotiuT?1'uc.vo hip Wollicr,
And tho hungry noweboy fcrimps llio BUgnvcd
? bun?sutured bun,
mBA, TaldiiK fiio contldoimion with nuothor?with
unothor.
A turkey's Jot is not n Imppy ono.
: L._JLJ 1 ; "! M
BAB'S TUKK10Y.' ;
A TliiinknitlvliiK Story.
' Barbara! liarbiiv.i Friok!" Mrs;Pottlnjrill's
voico rang out sharp and shrill
on tho suVrtnior. air, far ahovo the hum
of orickots and grasahoppors iu. tho
grass; and tho Hitlo pink sunbonnot
down llio road camo to usuddon standstill.
"Barbara", couio back horo a
moment." . ' (v
Yos, Mrs. rottingU),,> andihoownor
of tho sunboiinct. quickly rotracod
hor stops lo tho farm gato, where stood
tho tall, ralhor gaunt woman with tho
sharp voico.
ti'Pltn * /*.. 1 -II ?
? JUIUI^ imnojo II.ITU 1111 IVHIlllcred
off into tho woods yonder," sho
said," "and a shower is coming up
fast. Would you mind driving 'oiu up
for mo, Bab? i'vo just got my baking
in tlio ovun. The inun folks aro all
down in tho lowor moadow, and the
young brood will surely bo killed if
thoy got wot."
Barbara glancod doubtf lly from tho
heavy cloud rising in tho "ost to tho
woman's anxious fnce, ana thon, boing
a good-natured girl, said:
I think it will rain in ton minutes,
Mrs. Pettingill, but I'll do tho bost I
can."
"That's a good child! Bo spry and
I'll givo you a loaf of fresh broad and
a pail of miik to take homo to your
mother."
80, thus oncoiirascd, Barbara sot
forth across tho plowed Hold, whoro
tho whoat and corn woi'o sondiiig up
tender green shoots, until she reached
.* tho little tract of woodland back of tho
farm.
Still nothing was to bo doon of tho
' truam.turkeys; and tho thundor now
tagigAfMttBfto rumble overhead and llastios
H^dU^uninir to play about tho
I_? N
Hgi a thunderstorm.
Hi!" she sighed, "w?-Wo OMi
gal am afraid it will ralu boHn
a low, mournful "poop!
Halo hor look round. SomoH
iluttorin^ in tho long grass
n,]d. tuinbic-down.rail foneo,
Hnoaror sJio found it wa9 ono
o turkoy^ that, in nltomptBBiiciizt)
botweon tho bars, had
Hand was struggling in vain
fflfoor littlo dot!" sho oriod,
Ho you horoP and whero have
Hur and brothors all wandorod
rOWlurkcy only answorod with
sad lidlo "poop! peep!" aud holp
?u \t.~
,? ???#????* iuu iiivuuw UJJ11CU, DttrHRra
popped tho woo, downy thing inV&tn
lioryftprou. and stumbled 011 through
tho underbrush, whoro she folt suro
that tho spoeklod lion and her turkoy
r ~ oWldhm must havo hidden thoiusolvos.
' Dour mo!" cried Barbara, in dismay,
"they will nover got over suoh a
wotting As ihis. And what will Mra.
Pottingill sayP"
And &ho was half afraid to meet tho
farmer's wife, to whom tho promising
young had mount a now blaok silk
k dross at Thanksgiving.
And JVlrs. Peltingill was angry
Mk enough when Barbara drovo tho disW
consoiato-looking brood into tho furrnJ
yard, and exelaimod in temper:
"It is. all your fault, Bab, for not
\. having rionso enough to look in tho old
^Sj>asiuro Hist" (for angry pooplo aro
rttot to unreasonable). "Thoy aro
to pi.no away and dio now, po I
shiinV^botUer with 'em any moro^, You
net-diiT^havo lrou bled yourself to i^ko
care of tTOf""6no forlorn littlo thing, f&r
ono isn't worth raising."
"Thou tciko it homo, Bab, nail soo
what you can do with it," said gbodnaturcd
Farmor Pottiugill, -who onmo
in in tinio to hoar his wife',8 weirds.
"Novor mind Nancy; accidonts will
happen, you know, and if thoa'o did wo
can sot *tho old brown hen, and havo
plenty inoro turkoys in a month." .
To which Mrs. Pottingill only tossed
hor hoad, niuttoring:
"Lato turkoys novor do amount to
anything, and Iho.so would havo boon
all right now if I had gono nftor 'era '
mysolf and not sont a oaroloss chit liko
that," with such a scathing glance at
Barbara that sho was glad to beat a
linnt.V nlllmH ?lin
-J v?*v IMVIIUIIV unuui V1AV. J/iVW
*ised broad or n pall of milk, and alio
walkod slowly homoward with toars in
hor brown oyos and tho bnby turkoy
still r'olldd up in hor Apron.
Tho Widow Frick, with hor son Hans
and daughter Barbara, or Bab, as sho
was usually oallod, livod in a rickotv
littlo oottago at tho foot of Long Hill,
whoro ovorything was shabby ouough,
but oloan and noat us n, now pin; although
tho no or woman had ofton a
hurd'timo tp provide food and clothing
for hor littlo familv, ospooiallysfnco an
attaoic of malaria In tho spring had, loft
hor vorv weak and misoyablo.
"Hallo, Bab! wjmt havo you got
thoroP" oallod llilns, from tho doorstop,
as hi-vslslor entered tho gato;
"and you?1dpk as $olomn turold blaok
r^tovVhornod owl." '
4,l guess yorr Would look- solemn,
and cross, too, ityou-liad oJiasotl' QVor
tli roo rough Holds, torn your olotfros,
Bcratchcd your hands, and boonoQondd
up in a hollow old troo during a terrific
nln.U. ll..? II
It? UlllliUUl-JJlVIIM, *?MW UlUII, IVIft
only got ft scolding for your jftinai"
rotortod Bab, tluis giving vont to her
woundod footings.
' Poor Uabblo?do~babl Did you bring
homo tho scolding hyyour apron?"
inughod Hans. v
No, jindood! 'I was glad onough to
loavo it bohind mo. This ia a poor
littlo tufkoy."
And Bab produood tho woo, troubling
bild< , ?
' VVhoro did you got itP? a$kod Mrs*
Frick. an no a rincr in thb dobrwav.
And* silting (Town, l|arbai'ft related
hor morning's, advonturb at tho Pettin\
gill Farm.
"But tho turkoy won't live," said
Hans, whon alio had finished. "Thoy
rP$.v. >. *
aro iuo unrueas tilings in cuo worm
to raise."
" "I shall try, anyway," said Bab,
gently smoothing tho soft, yellow
down.
And sho make tho llttlo follow a
ooop in ono corner of the yard, and fod
and tended him with suoh oaro
throughout tho summer, that, contrary
Al 1- ? It 1 1
IU Ult VApUUbtltlUUUi UU I1VUU uuu
thrivod, aud grow iuto as fino a turkey
gobbler as any ono would wish to seo.
..Mrs* Pottinglll's, howoyor, fulfilled
her prediction, took colu, and dwindled
away, until not ono was loft of all
the ten.
Bab named her bird Christophor Columbus,
beoauso he was ouch an exploror,
always diving into odd and uuoxpcctod
placos.
Now ho tried tho cupboard, next investigated
the ovon, while, a moniont
lator, ho was foraging among tho oabbages,
and onco almost singed his bill
pokipg it into a pan of hot ashos.
' He was devoted to his little mistress,
and 'hopped after bof, up aud down
stairs, and around tho garden, and,
like Mary's lamb, ovon "followed hor
to school 0110 day."
"Ho is tho doarost, s woo tost pet that
evor JivesI" Bab would exclaim, hugging
Christopher around tho nock, and
showoring his head with kisses. "And
did you over soo moro lovoly foathors
?all green and blue and goldP"
, At which be would spread his tail,
swell out his throat, and strut around
as though ho know ho was boing admired.
"Your ono turkoy boats mino all hollow,"
said Farmer Fottingill onomollow
October day, stopping to loan ovor
the fenCo and chat with Bab. "Although
tho brown hen has roplacod
Spocklo's brood, I have nono as big or
fat. Ho will bring a nico little sum at
Thanksgiving."
"What! Soli Christonhor ColumbnsP
Novor!" And Bab's oyos llashod indignantly
at tho idea. "My daiding pot
shall novor bo- roasted and oaton, but
dio of old ago, liko a roapcctablo bird."
"Why, tho uionoy ho would bring
would got yon no ond of ribbons and
laco," continued tho fartuor, toasingly.
"And girls lovo linory moro than
anything I Know."
"I would rathor go in rags, and koop
Christopher Columbus," said Bab,
iirrmy, picKing a oaterpillar oil" a cabbage,
and prosonting it to tho turkey,
who mado way Mrith tho dainty morsol
'/a r:'CTr>ak'fug. ~ ' v
Mr. Pottingill laughed heartii^*, Hand
passed on; but ho thought: v>
"Sho is a spicy littlo thing. 1 wish' >
alio was my daughter. How sho would
brighton up tho old homostoad!"
Tho cold woathor camo very oarly
that yoar, and tho first part of Novombor
Mrs. Frick had a sovcro attack of
her old complaint, and was unablo to
leave her bed.
It was hard lines, then, for Hans and
Bab; lor though thoy stayed homo from
school, and workod all tho odd jobs
thoy could get, thoy daily saw their
juiubuur giowing minuor anil paler,
and tbo small supply of silvor in tho
old bluo woolon stookiug that sorvod
thom for a bank rapidly waxing loss
and loss.
Tho dootor lookod gravo whon ho
was finally callod in, but said ho
thought rest and good nourishing food
would do a groat doal for Mrs. Prick,
and, abovo all, sho must luwo.a certain
tonic, which ho montionod.
"It is exponsivo?threo dollars a bottlo,"
ho said, at parting, as ho buttoned
up his heavy fur coat, "but it has
worked wonderful euros in thoso malarial
cases, and I am sum i<i iuat. wimi
sbo noods."
And ho nodded "good-day" qnd
rode homo to his dinuor of roast boef
and oysters, leaving poor, hard-worked
Hans and Barbara gazing at each other
in - dismay.
"OJi, brothor! what shall wo doP"
asked Bab. "There is only ono dollar
und a halt loft in the stocking, and I
am not to bo paid for tho sooks 1 am
knitting until thoy are finished, while
*?.? * -
luwm 1.-) uuilllllg 111 tuo 1101180 to mane
broth of, aod as for wino for tho mother,
that' is out of tho quostion."
"I don't know," said Hans, sadly,
going to tho window, and looking out
into tho littlo garden, whore Christopher
Columbus was marching up and
down, making deep tracks in tho puro
whito snow. "1 wish I did."
Bab was cry\ng softly, tho big tears
running down her ohqekd, and dropping
into the bean soup shoVas taking
from tho fire/ whoa1 Haua sudden)y remarkodi
, .
"Bab, do . you kiioW it only wants
. throo' (lays to ThanksgivingP"
"Yea; .but;wo need not, trouble ourHolyos
tiJL>pub our Thanksgiyiug dinner.
JjfcWill be .only broad and beans, as
ititVftl. The other vegetables must be
saved' fdif Aether." , . i
.ii> .in /htijite2>. i?'* * -
-uuvrnwyrx^vopaor 13 vory big and
fat?alipotyt tho biggest turkey 1 ovor
saw."
>\VhA't',d<> you MoanP" oriod Iiarbavti,
stopping; in tho middle of tho iloor,
8rtuco-p:ui in hand.
. Hans'turned vory r<w); nhd ho did
not lbok at lili ststor, titit stammered:
An, uao, wo oan't lot tho mother
dloi"
And then ho ran out of tho room and
tho houso, (damming tho door after
him.
Bab sot down tho iron vossol,
dropped into a chair, and covorod hor
face with lior hand*, and alio novo?
movod until |ior mother called hor
from tho adjoining bod?toom, when sho
answered tho atuuinons with palo
olieoks and swollen oyos, but a now
look of determination about her roav
- - - - tf
lips. .
Sho found Mra. Frlok fooling much
Worse, and was busy with hor until
Hans ctuno baok to din nor.. linrbnra
c6uld not oat, but u loud "gobblot
gpbblot" outstdo told that Oiiristophor
was hungry, and sho oarriod out hor
nhavo of tho moat for hitn. Sho watohod
him onjoy it until tho last hoan had
dlsappodred, but,, as silo piokod up tho
oulptv dish, orlod:
''Oh*,Chris, Christ dear Christ I'm
afraid you will have to go, aftor all."
Ana, throwing hor arms around tho
bird's slcndor nock, sho sobbed us
though hor hoaift would bronk.
I'ho'turkoy pookod at hor ohook af- j
feotionatoly, and trlod to follow hor in- I
ddors, but sho shut him out, and going j
.straight to her brother, said:
"Hans, yort may tako Christophor to
Fartnor Pottingill to-night and ask him
10 carry iiiiu to market Willi his own
poultry to-morrovv}" at which Ilntis
notiiloil assont, but did not vouturo to
uttor a single word.
So it happunod that tho good (armor
was surprised that night by tho ap
uuuruuuu ox a siuniv ooy Uoarlng a
uugo turUoy lluit niiirrlly ro->uniori auoh
treatment, an i sci'aU-h'Hl ami kickod
as though Im know it was for hi< lifo.
Il was a sad story th;it UaiiH bad to
rolato, ami Mr. I'oUin^ill blow Ills noso
audsiid, "Poor liulo tfirl, poor littlo
rrit*t o'ntrikit .1 I Sn\?a .lunlit
IMll'JO Mill lil^ ll|U lUUIlikl)
^though his bettor-half, from tho dopths
of lint pantry mullered:
' Just like poor follcst Thoy novor
save up anything for a rain)' day."
But ho promised to disposo of tho
poor "explorer," who, witli Ids glory
all dopartod, now lay hoiplossly tlod
by tho logs and to bring from town
tuo required modioino for tho invalid,and
liio lad was sont home ladon with
a sack of meal and a Hue basket of up
pios iroin ciio larm.
Tlio next two days wore very sad
ones to Bab. Slio missed lior pot everywhere,
ami was constantly haunted by
visions of Christopher, divested o? his
royal plumage, and served up, brown
and smoking, to graoo soiuo Thanksgiving
fo iSl.
S;io piokod up a fow little fuathors in
tho yard and watered them with her
tears as sho laid thein carefully away
in a box that contained her treasures.
But she was somewhat oousolod by
tho goud tho tonic seoinod to do hor
mothur, almost immediately, niul was
grateful for the extra lwo dollars Farmer
Pettingill slipped into her hand,
t.Jm nricn nt' itnm* fill i*i<l O.ilnm
I 1 ? 'WI'"V* """"""
bus.
Thanksgiving morning dawod clear
and cold, and tho church bulls rang
out clear ami swuot on tho frosty air,
bidding tho good pooplo from far and
near como and join in tho groat Harvest
Homo Festival.
Merry family parlios dashed iu largo
open sleighs, and yonng folks in holiday
attiro troopod down tho hill to tho
quaiut old church hidden among tho
troos.
II.. K (I.. 1 ! TT
jfiiu juuiuu mhj iuavillg nilUS
to take oaro of their mother, and crept
softly iuto a back soul; but hor hoart
was hoavy anil hor voice was brokou
whon alio triod to sing the Thanksgiving
liytun.
Farmer Fottinojill and his wife stood
on tho porch as slio came out, the latter
resplendent in a new black silk,
and tho fanner shook Bab's hand
heartily, saying:
"Cheer up, nitlo one. It may bo a
^happier Thanksgiving than you think
for after all."
| Hut tho girl only shook hor head,
and drawing hor thin shawl around
Iiiu*. Iiiirrii (I ilmvn Jin ii'iHi
( Good cheer, my Bnbblo-do-Bab!"
oriod llans, as ho throNtf" 6pt>n tliii tlboi'
at iiov knock. "Just look thorel"
Atul Barbara opened her oyos in glad
surprise at tho feast of good things sot
forth oil tho old pino tublo.
A largo, plump turkey, drossod and
proparod for roasting, was llaukod on
one side by vegetables of all kinds, and
on tho oilier by two niinco and pumpkin
pies, while rosy red apples, nuts and
cider all promised a Thanksgiving dinner
such as had not boon known in tho
little house for many a long yoai".
"Oil, how nice!" cried Bab.
"Tho Peltingills brought thom on
their way to church,said Hans, "and
mother fools so lliiU'.h bnf.f.mv aim thin Ira
sho will como to tho inblo to-day. So
hurry up and got dinner roady."
All was nearly roady, and a delicious,
appetizing odor porvading the
small kitchon, when suddenly tho
smllo vanished from .Bab's faoo, and
with a look of horror, sho turned to
Hans, who was sotlimr tho table, and
asked earnestly:
4,IIans, toll mo! Do you think Farmor
Pottingill would bo so cruol as to
sornl us back Christopher Columbus,
dead and stuffodP"
It was a droadful thought, and took
both thoir appotitos away. So Mrs.
Frick was quite distressed to seo how
littlo thoy secmod to caro for tho unwontod
good things.
"No lurkoy, Bab!" alio oxolaimed.
"Why, how is thatP" as tho girl shook
hor head anil pushod asido hor plato.
"It would choko mo," sobbod Barbara;
"for it may?it may bo Curia."
At that moment, howovor, a pocullav
sound without brought thom all to
their foot.
"What's thatP" oriod Bab, turning
palo.
"It sounds remarkablv familiar."
Hilirl TTnilCJ na o Inml "VnUKI rt! nnliUlnl
>tM ! ?vuvi gUWVIiVi
foil on their oars, and mado a dash for
tho window, whoro ho saw something
that causod hiin to danco for joy, as ho
shouted: "Oh, 13ab! Bab! as suro as
you'ro alivo, hero is old Christopher
Columuus, as bis' and saucy as ovor,
bogging to como in."
Nooil I say that ho had not to bog
long, but in anothor instant was in tho
middle of tho room, with tho wholo
family laugh.ng and orying ovor him in
a perfect ccstacy of dolight, while ho
n.il.Kswl l.t. 1 1 -I.-? - ? I
iuuuvu 1113 ilUUU Il^illllSU I/UOir CI100KS,
and aoomod equally as ploasod to bo at
homo onco inoio.
llound tho tnrkoy's nook was tiod a
note, addroasod to Miss Barbara Frick,
which sho road aloud:
Dcai Unb?PloftBo ncoopt this TlmnkSKivliiK
turkey In placo of tho broad and milk I failed
to rIvo you la?t Buinrnor, and I a?k your pardon
for all 1 may liuvo feiild on that day; but
I waa awful mad at tho Iops of tho brood.
Yours rcspcotfiilly.
nanCy putting ill.
"That is just likehor," laughed Mrs.
Frlok, "rough ami impulsive, but kindJioaried
undor it all."
' "I am so sorry I over called hor a
cross old tiling,'' said Bab; "for, oh,
Chris! tlfrs pays for everything, ami
you aro tho vory host Thanksgiving
gift I could have had."
So tho dinner was a success after all,
and Mrs. Friok had now no roason to
complain of hor children's appotitos,
while Christopher Columbus behaved
like a cannibal, picking tho bones of
his unfortiimite fellow turkey with tho
greatest zest, and Thanksgiving joy
and ehoor roiirund in lint lhi.ln
under Iho hill??Agues Carr Huge. A
A step toward abolishing tlio high
lint uubunco at tlio theatre has just
boon taken by tlio managomont of a
Vicuna pluy house, which onion) that
4x11 feinulo patronizors must either wear
.low iiuuu-gour or lovogo mo pionsuro
of altcudauco at tho umforimmcos.
THE WISE OF TH1* CHESTNUT,
It is ft matter of roprofcch to our so-*
oiftl soiontists'that the habits and mis- i
toms of tho joke liavo ro?K>lVo'd so Ilttlo I
attention. It is an error of tho vulgar I
to supposo tlmt ft joko is ft jHdrafy 100- 1
toor that ilashos across tho iritollootual <
sky for ft moment and tijton disappears S
forever. Evon trained Observers havo ]
boon docoivod into, ejcptesslug qriuoh (
tho samo opinion; ahak/ji dolobrat'dd i
~ v.r.. ?i uvuv hv* t ?wvr i iiy j
justify us in oouooaling ;lda naiuo in 1
commotion with tho ohargo, was hoard J
to deolard chat a jokb w$$ "an instanco I
of intollootnal aberration unworthy of
sofioup attpntiou." Nothing could bo \
furthor from tlio faots. ^tyeaving asldo <
any dlaoussion of tho frr& oniiso of tho ji
joke, which would InvofvV as in *tlio I
obsouritios of motuphysicjil diSousslon,
wqTtaay stato boldly tnaVitjlio joko has
woll-doiinod habits and n poouiiarities, <
and, a study of its history and dovolop- ^
ment la woll worthy tho attontion of j
tho forompat minds in science.
It Is ovidont to any obsprvor that tho ,
joko tuay bo acouratoly divided into ,
races and nationalities.' ?Jo oho who \
had paid tho slightest attoution to the
subjoct could possibly iuiatako a Gor- ]
man joko for a French ioko, or a {
French joko for a British joko. In fact,
they ai*o as plaiuly marked off from (
#ach other as any two broods of dogs, f
and each undoubtedly haft its different ,
habits. An adoquato discussion of the ,
subject can not oven bo outlined in this
column. Novortbolcss, as a small con
iiiuiiiiuu iu ?n uuporcanp buojooc, wo
oft'or tho following account of ft singlo
member of tho largo nnd intorostlug
family known as tho American joko:
It is oight months or mora siuco tho
chestnut joko first saw tlio light. Its
birth is involved, in obscurity, iu spito t
of oarncst efforts to traco its nncostry.
In tho curly days of its existonco it
gavo no sign of coming greatness. Wo
know tho story of tho stHi^ol nt Brlonuo,
whoro' Bouriouno took. tho prizes *
oVcr Napoleon; Bourionno is now romemborcd
not as tho "prizo boy,"
but us Nepoleon's secretary. . In n like
manner tho tin-pan ioko or tho niggcrbaby
joko of ovon date with tho ohostnnt
soomod surer of fame. At tho timo 1
tho ehostnut appourod tho palnt-tho- J
town-red joko whs at tho height of its 1
lame. Its monthly appoarnnoo in Jannary
was twenty-six thousand sovon
hundred aud forty-six, which is sur- 4
passed only by its unprecedented November
record of thirty-oigfit thousand
nine hundred, duo to tho local disturbing
causo of a Domoeratio victory that
month at tho polls. For. tho snmo 1
month tho chestnut appeared iu public
but a boggarly ono hundred and olovon '
times. Previous to that dato it was so
i i j/c- ? ?. - rflsbtota ii -.i .
iiisigiiiiiuuiu as not 10 6jC3?l "woi'tuy ol
record. Starting fron^th& point, wo
sou tho gradual riso o*> tho chcsnut and
tho corresponding dcoliuo of paint-tho- 1
town-rod. In February tho chestnut *
appeared twolvo hundred and forty- J
four times, and tho paint-the-town-ved
appeared twonty-fivo thousand nino t
hundred and fourtoen times. This doi'S 1
not necessarily indicato any falling oft*
in the popularity of tho lattor, for tho
(iffiidt of hsir<l limns ivnn ninat. onwnfnlir l
folt that month, tho total output of
jokes being six per cont under that of ]
January; but tho incroaso of the chest- i
nut joko under such unfavorable cir- ]
eumstances is truly signilioant. Tho
following month paint-the-towu-red i
nearly held its own, appearing twoutylive
thousand sovon hundred aud ninotoen
times, but tho chestnut ineroasod (
to thirty-two liuudvod. Tho following ;
month it increased by olovon hundred,
while tho paint-the-town-rcd declined
by nenrly tho same number. But in
fr.hn tnniii.li nf TVfnv ihn nlinahnnK lnn?\nrl
? ? --- V " ?" V ? ?'J ?* " W..WMVMMW ?U|?|/VU
at otio astonishing bound to fourteen
thousand seven hundred and eighty appearances,
its only one rival coming
down something less than the samo
tigure.
it is scarcely necessary to go further
into details. The August roturns give
a total ot more than twonty-nino thousand
appearances for thochostnut.whilo
its rival is all but as extinct as Mr.
Crawford's "dado." Tho roports for
the first half of tho present month indicate
that tho total will fall little if
any below that of August, although
tho roturn-of-tho-summei'cVoardor has
actod as a disturbing olomont Wo t
may assumo liowovor, from tho lore- 1
goinp figures that tho ohostnut has
roaohed its full dovolonmont, and is
doomod to a spoody doolino. It is daugorous
to goneralizo from but two or
threo instances, but from tho obvious
similarity of tho oaroors of tho bucoossful
American joke, it is almost certain
that their existcnco is dotorminod by
fixed and immutablo laws. Wo havo
not tho figures at had to verify this
Btalonjont, but wo pronounco it in all
ooulidoncc.
Wo may suppose, thorcforo, that tho'
ohostnUt must follow tho path alroady
troditen by paiut-tlio-town-vod and its
jjiuuuuuhsoi'b, auu, nuor aooing mo riso
of somo succossful rival that is ovoq
now in tho obsonro throng,will bccoino
oxtinct in about eight months. Its riso
has taken an equal length of time. In
spito of a fow woll-known oxcoptions
whoro a joko has boon able to survivo
in a toothloss, mumbling condition for
two or throo yoars, wo . may Bafoly
ui/uiu mill mo uvorngo mo 01 mo successful
Amorican joko is sixtoon or, at
tho most, oighteon months. Tho subjoot
is ono of much inlorost.nnd should
attract somo young nnd onthusiustio
social scientist.
. ? ? ?
"I am a vory timid man," writos a
subscriber in Ohio. "1 am norvous,
constitutionally timid; a vory coward,
in fact. I am ashamed of it, but I
can't holp it. Now, what profession
or occupation can I adopt in tho practice
of which I will bo most porfootly
safo from harm or dangorP" Go to
Franco, my son; go to Franco and bo
a duolist. Or you might romain in
Amorica and bo a pugilist."?Brooklyn
Eagle.
Tktoro'll bo a protty how-do-do
n m An<y Maiu 1 a 4l?-%
(IIMVUg JLIUlf UUIflUjr HUT J UIO II tliu
courts follow up tho prooodont ostab* ]
lishod by Yico-Chuncollor Bird In his ''
decision that a lawyor who iuducos a *
ollont to givo an $8,000 mortgas^o for !
$976 and then soils It himsoli for $4,200 '
must turn tho prollt ovor to tho cliont
instoad of pookotlng it hltnsolf. Jorsoy
nottifoggors will fail to soo tho use of 1
being lawyors if they havo to bo as ]
honost asothov mon.?Allentoion (/'?.) 1
Iteaister.
OWil-Soiyloo Examination.
t . .
Mr. \Fame8 Fly'rowalkor, having bo3Qiuo
tirod of maohine politics, aspires
to a permanent offleiftl position under
tbd' Fedoral Govornmoni, aiul having
'lAd nnvnvnl vanfo* nYnnrlnnoftoo a dikvow
- V? ? v? ? ? ^ vy?w vol/V? *VMVV WW W UMgWA
)xpprt, ho applios for tho office of
Sugar Inspector io tho customs sorvloe.
tn duo timo ho ts eurumonod boforo tho
Divii Sorvloo Examining Board. Foolug
confident of his gonoral intolilzonce,
and of his spooial qualifications
lor tho position, bo prqsonta himself
lor examination, wearing an oasy and
JCnignantHinile.
Mr. Flurowalkor rapidly collcots bis
thoughts togethor and trios to corioon:rato
all tho faculties of his miud in
roadless for tbp first question^ which
io Isajjittlo fearful mayi bo a pOior.
V M,TIIH FIRST QUESTION. .' ' -
In aniline from Mojiiiitihlunn thft
Straits of Malabar, what uro tho variations
in the magnotio noodle, aud what
3 tho oauso of thoBo varialionsP"
Mr. Flurowalkor requests a repetition
of tho quostiou. It is ropoated
,wioo?tUi'oo times?but Mr. P. is too
lurriod to reply.
''Perhaps you oan toll us whdre
Mozambique isP" says ono of tho ox*
iminors. *
Oh, yos! Of course. Why, it is
v<V ^ I ? U ?
JIX IV/ II1U U(19blT(UU DUUIUfTIIUlU?HU
irchipolago Or a peninsula, or something.
It is eomowhoro near Mesopotamia."
"That will do, sir."
'What is the rule in Shelly's casoP"
"Ehl in Sholly's oaaeP"
"Yo?, sir."
"Well, 1 suppose it's the same rule
is with any othor man. If ho is
iquarely olcctori, count him in. I
lovei* hoard ihut Sholly had any particular
pull."
"That will do, sir."
THIRD QUE8TION.
"Dosoribo tho process of germination
n a 8uod."
"In a seotlP''
..tr _ . t *1 t ' i
?AOS, sir.
4,Tlio process of wkatP"
Germination."
Old Tho progress of tho Gorman
mtion! Well, since tho bnttlo of
Soouiggratz and tho war with Franco
;horc "
'That will do."
"What is meant by tho procession of
;ho equinoxes?"
Tho equinoxosP"
Yos."
Tho pvocossion of tho oquinoxosP"
14*\T /\ t t Im a# * l? *? ? - ? !
jliui iiiv j'i?v/v^diuu ui iuu uquilOXOS."
Novor hoard of it. What does it
olato toP"
"Cosmogony."
"WhatP"
Well, astronomy."
"O! I 800 now, goutlomon; you must
lavo mado a mistake. I arm not au
applicant for au astronomical position.
[ only want to bo a.sugar inspector."
"That will do, sir. Wo wo quite
iwaro of that. Now pay attention and
answer our quostions.
EIFTH QUESTION.
-uvixpiain tno relation 01 tuo moloouar
thoory to tho nebular hypothesis."
No, I thank you, 1 had rather not.
Perhaps you had hotter put some of
four civil-sorvico questions to tho
?residont and somo of his Cabinot
yVhon thoy pass I will call around
igain."
"Sir, you may go."
And Mr. Flui'owalkor coos?yos, ho
joes hack to maohino politics.?N. Y.
i'elegram.
She Took off her Hat.
plofo r Allien lf"h Aryn* ima
VIULU ilLVHUg^ ililvJ J^iyuu UU*
ortainmont enough to audiences, 0110
vould suppose, writes a Now York
jorrospondont.to havo earned tho fight
;o onjoy horsolf as an auditor when
iho chooses. But I sat next to hor in
i thoater tho othor ovotiing whon two
tallows directly behind her would not
ot hor havo a good timo. Sho was
Handsomely dressed, and on her head
rvns ono of those toworing hats that
iro now in high favor, oxcwpt with
;hoso whoso viow of a performance is
jy thorn obscured, and to this class of
)T>joctors bolongod tho ohaps at tho
roar of Misr Kellogg.
'I say, 0 u," ono romarkod, in a
hrilliug wlusper, "did you ovor try to
uark tho hoight of astovopipo hat from
tho lloor up the sido of a room by os,imatoP
YosP Thon you mado it as
licjh as a flowor-barrol, likoly. Now,
I'll bet you tho drinks that this millilory
construction is a silk liat and a
aalr tall; and I'll hold ruino up for a
aioasuromont."
" Tho wagor was mado, tho hat was
jpliftod for comparison, and it was
lotilod without dispute that tho hdlghts
[rom brim to orown wore oxaotly tho
iattio. A glance around tho tnoator
ihowcd that tho samo surprising faot
lyas realized on dozons of womon's
loads. But tho bot was not so readily
leoidod, for from Miss. Kellogg's hat
mroso two fcathors six or oicrht inches
further, ami tho wagorers could not
igroo wnothor thoy wero to bo considnod
as part of tho structuro itsolf. Tho
prima (lonna-grow lidgoty in hearing
tho dialoguo, and lior color roddenod
jonsidoraoly.
"Do you romorabor," said ono of hor
tormentors, after an intorval of silont
jndoavor to soo past tho constantlydrifting
obstruction to what was going
>n in tlio stftiro show. Mnn nnnnrntno
;hiit liollor used to oXhibit for looking
through a briokP Thoro was an arrangornont
of Jittlo mirrors, so tliat although
tho briok was right in tho raugo of
vision, solid ana opaquo, you could
jloarly seo what was dircotly on tho
>thor sido."
"Woll, what of itP" rospondod tho
>thov.
"Oh, nothing: only I was thinking
that tho contrivanoo oould mako good
brimming for ladios* hats this soason."
Thoro was ouch an outburst of
laughtor from all of us within hoaring
that tho atago-porforrttera must havo
thought that thoy had mado a phonahmnn
1 ' IiIf In avaImqIvaIa?a an/vfi
I??M ??? vAvaiigiT vij vuu nj.JKJV)
Mid then Miss. Kollogg, smiling but
jrimson, romovod her hat, and sat
luring tho rest of tho ovening barelioadod,
nftor the forolga fashion.
"Robinson Crusoe's gun and aoaohost"
woro shown in downright onrnost
to an amuseii tourist, in Fifoshiro,
Scotland, tho othor day. ,.
" . . i .\l ; '''
.Curious Coins.
? ?
"What is that euHoua-lookltig ooppor
plccoP" askod a reporter of a dealer
in old 'col08. ?
"That 1s tho Rotuan Aes, a coin'
which was in uso in Rome aboht 2,200
years ago. It is an original: it could
not bd spurious, and. for the reason
that though tbe coin itself, so. far as its
outward snap? is concerncd, might bo
counterfeited, it woiild bo impossible
to imitate the red patina. > or coating,
upon it. You soo, this coin has two
oCatings of colored matter?one green
and the othor red. Woll, tfy> green
Can bo imitated by modoru ingenuity,
but the red stuff can not he put upon
counterfeit coins by any probes*. rii
prbsont known t& tbo fcond/' ' ^
ii uv?v mv JWU guv IUVIOO ttUUWUfc
coins that wor.o in Use so many yoara
ngoP WUoro aro thoy foundP"
"Well, you soo, pcoplo in those auolont
timos did hot have banks and
bank vaults to deposit thoir woalth in
for safe-kcoping. As you know, the
Remans wore almost constantly at
warfare with othors, and those who
had monoy would frequently hide it in
the oarth or sociu'o it in tho walls of
thoir dwellings when thoy went to the
rni ? "*
wurs. xuoso wuo woro KUlod loft,
quite often* no traco of whore their
woalth was hkjdou, and so it remained
to bo resurrected by somo modern relio
buBtor. A great many ancient coins
have boon found also in river bods. - I
think that in many instances thoy wore
put into rivors by pooplo who wished
to have thoir history romombored by
the comiug ages. There havo been
coins found in tho Thamos noar old
Loudon bridgo by which wo can trace
many of tho Romau omporors. Tho
fact that thoy liavo thus boon found
iii prder seoms to olearly indioato that
thoy woro dopositod on purposo by gorsous
.desirous of porpetuatiug tho
nnnies of tho rulors. Thus, by theso
coins of ancient Homo, many things
portaining to tbat groat ompiro which
rulod as uiistross of tho world tiro made
known to us. > Many things nro indelibly
impressed upon tho mind by giauoing
at theso coins and afterward bocoming
intorostod in tho subjoot. I
do not boliove thero can bo a hotter
educator of tho histoi'y of any country
than a collection of its coins. The
symbolic devicos and inscriptions npon
them have a prlooloss value in fixing
upon the mind tho groat facts and CUOChs
to Wllicll tbov roffilV Krit nnlir
.. ? v??j
doos this apply to anoiont coins; it is
oqually true of modorn coins. Hore 1s
something that to tho thinking man indicates
a grout social and business revolution
in tho manuor and customs of .
tho pooplo who uso it, for hore you soo
a specimen of tho largost coin ovor
known to bo in uso anywhere."
The reporter was struck with amazomont
when informod that tho hugo
squaro copper plattor-Hko affair was a
coin. Proceeding, tho doalor said:
"Yes, it is a Swedish pioco and generally
woiffha from 6 to 7 noimilfi. Tlila
ono woiglis 61 pounds. It is ioj inohos
wido by 9} inches long, and is a very
rare coin. It was made during tho
reign of Frederick, king of Sweden, iu
tho year 1723. In tho oonter of tho
piece, inoioscd iu a circltf, you seo tho
stamp *4?dolor,' and undorneavh tho
words 'Silf mynt' (silver money), and
in oach of the four corners,, and in order
to prevent tho coin boing clippod,
they woro stamped with tho royal coat
of arms."?lioston Globe.
Lord Houghton's Peculiarities.
As a poet it is easy tounderrato Lord
1 u 1- ?- -
nuuviuuii, ivuu iu is uquniiy onsy 10
overrate him. With him it was all of
life to live, if not all of death to die.
To such the richest fouutains of poetical
inspiration aro nevor opoued. It
may bo doubted whether any poet of
his time, lioWovor, more adequately expressed
what and all of what ho folt
and wishod to say. Pex'aons of doubtful
positions and things of a more or
less disorderly charactor had a strange
fasoination for hismuso as they had for
himself. He folt as lively a curiosity
to know a phenomonally bad man as a
phonomonally good one, partly, perhaps,
bocauso according to conventional
standards tho latter aro the rarer.
Nothing human or inhuman lay boyond
tho rango of his curiosity?a peculiarity
which I onco heard illustratod by
? I -A .1
tuu iuiiuwiug mory. wnomor iruo or
not, tlioro is nothing improbablo about
it. A criminal was to be hung at nine
o'olock, the ovout to bo announood to
tho publio by tho tiring of a gun. Some
ono at Houghton's broakfast table remarked
that it was nftor nino and tho
gun had not boon lirod; tho oxocution,
thoroforo, must havo boon postponed.
Oil no," promptly replied ids sister;
"tho man has suroly boon hung, or
uroiuor wou'u nnvo una mm iioro nt
breakfast." Wliothor from a spirit of
gonorous toloration, or cimrity, or lovo
of fulr play, or sympathy for tho woakor
party, or a curious tnoto for the
paradoxioal, or all thoso combinod, his
iuuso soomod to havo boon consecrated'
to tho dofonso of pooplo and conduot
that woro on tho dofonsivo. Though
not ranking with tho groat poots of the
world, Lord Houghton long beforo his
death had secured for himsolf an eb*
during placo among tho poots of XSn?
inuui?juLun* t/vr&r* AJiyviuus, vr# iiarpcr 3
Magazine for November.
Wanted ICHznbotti, Anyway.
Hor affections contor upon a doll
whoso nnmo~tho longest nor tongue
ooukl frame at tho tirno it was bdstowod?is
Elizaboth. For sonio misdomofinor
of unusual gravity this young
liuly was sont to boa at an oarly hour,
ana in tho woo attouding tho infliction
of this punishment sho forgot to tako
with hor tlio ohorishod Klizaboth to
shnro hor couoh. Realizing her deao?
lation 8ho summoned hor 'mother by
calls from tho chamber:
"Mamma! I want Elizaboth. Ploaso
bring Eli/aboth up to mot"
This mitigation of tho ponalty wan
doniod; but tho demand was ropoatod,
oach rofuoal boing followed by a yot
more potulaut request, until finally
thoro came a suggestion of tho lost resort
of matornal diuoiolino:
Nollic, 1 am afraid I shall havo to
como up antj punish you." ,
Quick camo tho rcsponso, puuotuat~
oil with sob*:
'Well, when you como up, ploaso
bring Eliseabothi"?io?ton ltecorU.
^ j WIT AND HUmUC. ' >0- - '
Willi? kissod BuBloTonontTthe rosoj
tboroeo was In bud aad the oorn Ift ltb? r. 0
Andthollnt of rouir? on thetlpofbii noso i; <
' Koiuftined with Wlliio M Suo voneor.
r ?Hamtltou Bpootator. 3 <
The very fushiouablo youug man has
ordered a slow yacht, beoauae "it'a
English* yo know." - ; -i
.1 We Will allow 80 cents aplsoefor
grown nana to parlies whose paper baa
been stoppod and are still owing us for
it?Blakely (<7a.) News.
! "Does your family play ball?'* waS'
fceked of a Jittlo shaver.
"Mo and moth or does," he replied.
"X< bawl, and > she makes the base-hits."
?<rTid-Bii*. . n..\ !lv. i.M"
'The Troy ZYmw says<< that "when a
Massachusetts Postmaster gits a letter
addressed to somebody, 'K pan,' he at
ones ehuoks it into the mail-bag for
Cape Ann."
An old goat iu Mississippi recently
ate 200 green cucttmbera,then broko >
into a drug store, butted the top off a a
bottle of oastor-oil and swallowed the
contents.?The Rambler.
Tho London Medical Timet thinks
that the treatment of snake bite by
putting gunpowder on the wound and
totiohidg it off with a match may be thought
rough, but is often Bucoessfuh
Freshman Professor (holding up a
written pxeroise)-?"I perceive that this
J.U. ? J - *- - I
uuu Tf ma UUJ'IDU UUUt VUMIUO UOifS?
Tho man who handed it in will remain."
A half-dozen remained.?Fata
Record. ? ''
AJL ? -
uuuicu uuruun uonuoic nas eigut
owls ovfrfr bis Newport gate. It taxes
a good many omblems to properly convoy
to tho public an idoa of all the
wisdom of a Now York newspapor? St.
Louis Post'Dispatch. <
A grocor's boy complained to his
employer that he was worked too hard
ana did not get sufficient rest '
I know, Johnny,", admitted the
grocer/, "that you are kept pretty hmy
most of the time, but I'll boo what can
bo done. Perhaps when cold weather
sets in I'll let yoii'draw molasses onco
in a while."
Judge?"Prisoner at tho bar, you
at? charged with .willful murdor. Are
you guilty or not guilty f" Prisoner?
"Juugo, what*a the uso ot putting it
that'wayP Ae you put it, itfa a difficult
question to deoldo. S'posen we
simplify tho mattor by goin in (or a
disagreement of tho jury."?Boston
Transcript.
An nrticlo in an oxcbange is beaded*
"Why President Cleveland Didn't
pi?i, a i >? i.-- ia.
JL-1DU uuuu??Jf HO ilWVCU ll rORU )f|
but suppose it was because he spaded
up half an aero of ground without finding
a single worm. We have frequently
boon in tho same aggravating predicamout.
P. S.-J-On a wook day.?>
Xorrislown Ucralil.
"What you Want," said the barber,
as ho rau his fingors through the few
remaining hairs on the head of a customor;
"what you want is a bottle of
"Wliat I want/1 ropliod tho customer,
4,ia a divorce."
And tho barbor said no more.? JBoi'
ton Courier.
"If I woro you and yon were V' sh?
sang vigorously at tho piano, and,
turning to him, said: "What would .
you do?" "Well, love," he answered,
"judging from your disposition and
tho color of your hair, I'd say you
would tako a club and knock me off
that piano stool if I didn't stop tinging.?Merchant
Traveler.
A young Harvard man who was
traveling in England this pummer wac
asked by a gentleman in Birmingham . .
if lSoston was not the "seat of tho
American Parliament" Ho replied
promptly: "Yos, it wag up to the boginning
of tlie Christian era, when it
was transferred to St Paul, Minn., in
honor of the apostle who converted tho
Mlnnosotans.Botton Courier.
He was standing at the Union Club*
oornor of Fifth avenue, toying with the
tire hairs which constituted his right
wuiBKor, wnon ft passing cabman hail- >.
ed him with?
"Hansom, sir?"
"Eh! what?" ho demanded, starting.
"Hansom, sir, hansom," repeated
tho Jarver.
"Well, what of it?" ho said, angrily.
"Cawn't a follah show himself in this
blawsted town without having hit aw*
appfturanco common tod onP,,J
"And ho trlppod ovor to Glenham to
drown his indignation in a tankard of
hif.tnr VV>- T)mi
Lou is a woo lnssio of 4 summer**
with a quaint use of English. The intormlttont
tooting of a locomotive
oausod her to olap hor chubby hands
to her oars with a funny littlo frown
oxprossive of disgust.
"What's tho mattor, LouP" her
mothor askod. w;. ?> *.. / i
"O, I'm fastening out that orookr*
????? ??
?AUiao? ' * ,
Tho other day she was asked whoth- ,
or she would rathor go boat-riding to
tho island or spond tho afternoon with
grandmamma. ; > ' ''
"1 wont to go both wheres," wm
tho prompt roply.?//arpcr'f Bazar.
A wild specimen of tho native Virginian
entered Staunton tho othor day
and askod credit for sorao tobacco and
sugar tat a grocery, promising to pay
in elx weeks, v , :<1
"On what do you base your expects
tions of being ablo to pay iii thai
tinioP" askod tho girocor.
"On coon skins," was the prompt roply.
' ' /
"But you may notcatoh anycoon*."
< 0 a a fn I li f
?f MV -V ?MW?| ?k IV UW f w??ywu V*
'om already plugged up iu ft holler
troo, and am only waiting for the fur
to git prlmo!"
firo got the good*.? Wall Street
News.
,1J .(< r
In Ids "HUtorioal Sketohes of th* .
Towtt of Swatnpscott" Waldo Thomp. ,
son, of Lynn, stato that about 1836
John M. I VPs, of Salem, received two or
throo marrow squash soede from a j
nogross, whoso husband was ft cook .
upon one of tho merchant ships, Cap*
turn Liora, irorn Valparaiso. llo also
obtainod tho tomato seed in the kama' '
manner as "lore apple," and, ftfter .
growing them a yoar or two back of
bis storo, be was told by a sea captain
that they were eatable, and from that
timo tbey woro used as food.
*f ' ' * .