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OtfLY FRIENDS. Snmmer's freshiieKn fell around ua, Nature dreamed its sweetest dream, Every balmy eveuing found ua By the meadow or tho stream, With our hearts as free from sadness Aa the sunshino heaven sends; Youth's bright garden bloomed in gladneBB, Whero we wandered?only friends. Iff#** n?AlrAn No hot blusliea flushed in red; Love's first sleep was left unbioken, Bitter tears were never shed. We were youtig and merry-hearted. Dreaming not of future ends And without a sigh we parted; Fate had made us?only fiiendai But a little germ of sorrow Wakoned in my heart's recess, When I wandered on the morrow By our haunts of happiness. And this germ found deeper rooting As the weary days wore on, # 'Till 1 felt a blossom shooting In love's garden all alone. No kind fate threw us together, We bud missed the lucky tide; Golden-gilded Hummer weather Not forever doth abide. Bat for me, though vainly sighin For a love time never send*, Still is left this thought undying, We, alasl were?only friends. ?Chambers' Journal. . TOM'S ENGAGEMENT. Old Mr. Molyneux was immensely proud of his position as the county magnate. He lived in a feudal castle which <he had bought cheaply, having taken over at the same time tlirf goodwill, so to speak, of its former owner's social influence and dignity. In consideration of his great wealth his neighbors charitably ignored the fact that his father had hnnn ll Sinilll tnilliwn'in nnrl tKut himself hud curried on a lucrative busi* ness in the hardware line for many years. He was not a bad old fellow, his vulgarity being of a subdued and inoffensive kind, and consequently he was received in the best county soeiety. But he umpired to even greater distinction, for his pet project was to marry his only son, Tom, to one of the Earl of Laburnum's daughters. There seemed no reason why this auspicious event should not come about, for the Lady Florence looked kindly upon Master Tom, and his lordship had more than once hinted that he would laise 110 objection. Lord Laburnum was the lord-lieutenant of the county, and an alliance with his family meant admission jnto the most aristocratic circles. Unfortunately. Muster Tom was rather a scapegrace, and his father preferred to let him sec a little of the world before revealing the high honors that were in for him. The fact was that Tom showed 00 predilection whatever for the Lady Florence, and he was just at that democratic age when a youth is apt to underrate social advantages. The old man hoped that when Tom had had his fling 4ic wuuiu uugiu 10 uwuKe to tne responsibilities of his position a d be amenable to reason. He knew that Tom was raising a very rcspcetable crop of debts, and that before long his paternal assistance would be sought. When the crisis arrived, he intended to make known his wishes, and to take advantage of the lad's embarrassments to impose conditions. Meanwhile, as Tom seemed to have given his heart a roving commission, there was no apparent danger of hib- seriously compromising his affections. One day, however, the young man came down from town, where he was ostensibly studying for the bar, and wi h a very grave ami determined air announced that flie was engaged to be married. Old Mr. Molyneux nearly had a fit of apoplexy on the spot, and when Tom proceeded to state that the young lady earned her own living by carrying on the business of. a dressmaker at the West End, his horror and indignation knew no bounds. In vain Tom pleaded that Miss Fabian was a lady by birth and education, and that the poverty of her faniilj was her only crime. His father became more and more furious, until Tom showed symptoms of flat reu~n: umijuu. . "Think of your position in the county!" cried old Mr. Molyneux, perceiving this, and wisely making an effort to control himself. "I will take it for granted, if you like, that the girl is an exemplary charactcr. She may be ladylike, and well educated, and all the rest of it. But her station is altogether inferior to yours." "I don't see that," said Tom, stubbornly. "Why, of course. It is ridiculous," *aid the old gentleman, swelling with *elf-importance. "Her father, you say, [ V: is a poor out-at-elbows devil of a clerk in the city." "I've never notired his coat has holes in it," retorted Tom. "As for his being i clork in the city, so were you?once. The only difference is that you have been more fortunate than he, and have made enough money to retire upon." "None of your infernal radical, noniens# here, sir!" cried old Mr."Molyneux, infuriated at this refercnec to his own t origin. "It would be just as sensible to lay that you and I arc the equals of Lord Laburnum becausc Adam was our common ancestor. What docs it matter if I was once a clcrk in the city? I have since attained a superior grade in the social scale, and that is the fact that must be faced. By marryihg the daughter of a city clerk, who earns her living * v by dressmaking, you would be making i mis-alliance." "Just as Lady Florence would by marrying me," eaid Tom, looking wonderfully innocent. "Who is talking about Xady Florence?" said old Mr. Molynefix, taken aback by this unexpected thrust. "Nobody?only I have an idea you wish me to marry out of my station," retorted Tom. "I don't wish you to marry at all, sir, tot for many a long year!" cried the old Y; man, fairly nonplused. fVi "What I mean is, father," said Tom, < ioggedly, "that I se? no more harm in | marrying below one's station?to use r yoqr own term ? than in marrying above f; it. If one is wrong the other must be." "Stuff and nonsense, sir! You don't ' ' " - * know what you're talking about," exclaimed Mr. Molyneux. "I don't waul to have an argument with you. The long and the short Of the matter is, that I won't hear of this foolish engagement. There! It is no use talking. Let there be an end of it, or I shall have something very unpleasant to say." The old man bounced out of the room as he spoke, not a little startled and amazed by his son's tone and attitude. Hitherto Tom had never ventured to argue with him, partly from filial duty and partly from inherent weakness of character, lie began to fear that the lad possessed unexpected firmness, until he soothed his mind by the reflection ] that he had probably been carefully coached for the interview. This suspicion explained Master Tom's unaccustomed readiness of repartee, which had made him approach a dangerous adversary. Relieved in his mind by the discovery, old Air. Molyneux gradually cooled down, and completely recovered his self-confidence. lie easily convinced himself that Tom would never dare to disobey him, and, instead of feeling the least apprehensive of the marriage taking place, he was only uneasy lest rumors of the engagement should reach the Leburnums. He prudently resolved to treat the matter as definitely disposed of, and to make no further allusion to it?at all events until Tom had had time for reflection. Judging from appearances, the lad seemed completely subdued. He spent his next few days slaughtering pheasants ir? a dejected frame of mind. Ilis father smiled within himself and held his tongue, though he showed by his manner that he did not intend to be trifled with. "When he considered that he might safely speak, he said one morning, witu assumed carelessness: "Well, my boy, what are you going to do ?" "I'm going to shoot over Bailey's farm," replied Tom. "Nonsense. You know what I am referring to," said the old man, turning red. "I am speaking of this idiotic love affair." "Oh! Well, of course, I must keep my word," said Tom, with flushed cheek. "What! you haven't written to break it our' said Mr. Molyneux, leigning 1 surprise. ' "No, guv'nor, I haven't," said Tom. "I hoped you would have softened by this time." "And I believed you would have remembered that your first duty was to obey your father," cried the old man, beginning to boil. "Do you mean to tell me that you still contemplate marrying a?a dressmaker?" "She has sold her business, father," said Tom, eagerly. "She might have done better had she waited a bit, but out of deference to your wishes?" "My wishes!" interrupted Mr. Molyneux, angrily. "I don't care if she carries on twenty businesses. What I say is that you shall never marry her with my consent. That's all." "I should be very sorry to disobey you, father," beg-m Tom, gravely, "but 1) "Look here, my boy," interrupted the , old gentleman, quickly, speaking with j unnatural calmness, "let us understand eaeli other. I forbid this foolish en- j gagement, and I order you to break it ] of! instantly. That is my bark. Now j for my bite. You leave my house within ^ an hour, and unless you inform me in the course of a week that the affair is at an . end, 1 stop supplies. If you persist in marrying the girl, then, by heaven! I will alter my will and leave every farthing 1 possess to your Cousin Ted?in fact, I will make him my heir, and dis- . card you altogether." j It is doubtful whether the old man would have really carried out this serious threat, for he was fond of his son, j and proud of him in a way, but he looked ver3r determined when he uttered it, and Tom was evidently impressed. : The lad dropped his eyes before his , father's irate glance, and the ruddy color , left his cheeks for an instant. "You know, Tom," he added, noticing the wholesome effect of his words, , "you are entirely dependent upon me, j and unless you took to poaching I don't see how vou could possiblv earn a crust. < j J.1.1 ijuskius j <_mi me u|) iu juui cms in ucut. | "I don't owe much,"said Tom, quickly, with a tell-tale blush. j "You will find out that you owe a ? good dcul when your creditors learn that , I have made your Cousin Ted my heir," ( said the old man, enigmatically. < Tom was evidently seriously discon- i certed by this remark. He turned on i his heel, muttering something about i catching the next train to town, leaving his father master of the situation, i The old man considered he had gained a signal victory, and was, therefore, not \ the least perturbed when his son started j otf to the station with his luggage, in i literal accordance with his injunction. He did not doubt that Master Tom ^ would see the folly of his wayS; aud, sure enough, two days afterward the young man reappeared looking decidedly sheepish, and tendered his submission. He even brought a copy of the letter he had written to the young lady, which Air. Molyncux thought a little too cutc and matter of fact, if any fault was to be found with it. However, he was not inclined to be hypercritical in this respect, and he heartily applauded Tom's action. 'I'm going away for a bit, guv'nor," said the lad, who had winced a little at his father's boisterous good-humor, and seemed half ashamed of his conduct. "Webster and some other fellows have hired a yacht, and sail for Madeira tomorrow." "By all means, my boy," cried Mr. Molyneux. secretly delighted that his son should leave England for awhile at this junctv.rc; "and look here, Tom, while you are away 1 will settle matters with these friends of yours." He produced rather a formidable list 8 of names and figures as he f?pokc. and Tom started with surprise, as well he * might, at perceiving how full and aceur- * ate was his father's knowledge of his pecuniary embarrassmepts. The old 1 man cut short his son's confused pro- * testation of gratitude and apology by * saying good humored'ly: * "wen, well, you must turn over a new leaf, my boy. Reasonable economy < must henceforth be the order of the day, and I hope, on your return, that you will 1 settle down and reside permanently in :he country." He had it on the tip of his tongue to lint that he must be prepared to marry Lady Florence; but he wisely refrained. Nevertheless, he was as full of the project as ever, and after Tom's departure, te spoke to Lord Laburnum more plainly ;lian he had hitherto done. His lordship, without pledging himself, gave aim an encouraging reply; and he resolved to bring matters to a crisis immediately upon his son's return. The consequence was that the task of settling with Tom's creditors proved quite an igreeable relaxation, and did not cause lim a moment's ill-humor. But he was very much startled and lisgusted on hearing that his solicitor itwl Kiwwt AL'trn/l 4-41 tiA/inttf DOKiri/Mi u IUV4 UV/^ll uoavjvt IU PUl ? iVVi \J L (I vrit on Tom's behulf in an action for lamagcs for breach of promise of marriage brought by Miss Fabian against ler faithless lover. The news upset him considerably for such a scandal would ;et all the papers gossiping about his mtecedents, while Tom could hardly fail ;o cut a ridiculous figure in the witnessjox. Old Mr. Molyneux soon arrived it the conclusion that the action must je compromised at any cost, for the sake >f his own dignity, not to mention the projected alliance with the Laburnums. EIc rushed up to town in quite a frantic itate, and disregarding the advice and protestations of his solicitor, insisted ;hat Miss Fabian's claim should be icttled forthwith at any sacrifice, in >rdcr to avert the danger of the affair inding its way into the papers. He was successful in his main object; jut rich man as he was, he almost groaned when he sat down to write the check that Miss Fabian's advisers denanded. The amount was represented [>y no less than five figures, and the worst of it was that he got no sympathy whatever from his solicitor, who declared that by going to trial, or even ;>y holding out, he might have saved the greater part of the money. In spite of his great relief that the threatened scandal had been averted, :>ld Mr. Molyneux soon began to regret the sacrifice he had made, and to fret ibeut his enormous loss. He was not l>y any means a penurious man, but, like like all parvenus, he keenly appreciated the value of money. He did not mind what he spent so long as he had something to show for his outlay; but in this instance the result attained was entirely negative. Every one is inclined to underrate a danger when it has passed, \nd Mr. Molyneux could not help suspecting that he had been too easily Frightened. This uncomfortable reflection worried him a good deal, particu larly when lie learned tliut Lord Laburnum had made arrangements to take his family to the south of France for the winter. This ilid not look as if his lordship was very anxious about his daughter's marriage with Tom, and old Mr. Molyneux was seized with an omnious foreboding when he heard the news. Tom returned after an absence ol three or four months, and was evidently not a little apprehensive of the reception lie would meet with. lie had received jortic angry letters from his father, referring to the damages he had hnd to pay; and he therefore appeared nervous md embarrassed at their first meeting. But the old man, delighted at seeing him again, sought to put him at his case L>y saying:? "I'm not going to allude to what has happened, my boy, I'm willing to let bygone be bygones." "Yen are very good father; but? but?'' "What is the matter?" inquired old Mr. Molyneux, as Tom paused, in confusion. "I still cling to the hope that you will :onsent to my marriage with Miss Fabinn '? Lawl TV.*. ,1 ........... *?l,. Luuf odi\? x wnt* viuoj/uiait'ij. "What!" roared his father," with a jreat start. "You see, guv'nor," proceeded Tom, "I'm in a much better position than 1 tvas before I went away. Then, as you justly pointed out, I was In debt. I had no capital, and I was altogether dependent upon you. Hut my debts are low paid, and as for capital?" "Well, sir, what about capital?" in:crrupted the old man, too much amazed to be angry. "There is the money you paid Miss Fabian," said Tom, with a fleeting smile. "The interest on it would keep is from starving, and, at least, it is jnough to buy and stock a farm with." "But?but I paid the money because fou broke your promise to marry her," lrgod the father, incredulously. "She >vould never marry you now." "I think she would," replied Tom, in i cmrildent tone. "flic fact is, sir. that I have been vic;iral2ed," exclaimed old Mr. Molyncux. suddenly, a-s tlie truth flashed acros3 his nind. "Not cxactly, father?ai least, not yet," returned Tom, with great earnest less. "I hope you will not withhold ,'our consent to our marriage. If you will consent, the money shall lie paid >ack to you?every farthing. I don't visli to defy you, as it wore; and both >f us arc willing to rely eutircly, with egard to tin; future, upon your gener>sity." Old Mr. Molyncux had turned purple n the face, and Torn was justly alarmed it his aspect. But before he could utter i word in reply n inan-scrvnnt brought n a note, remarking that a messenger ,vas waiting to'know if there was any eply. Mr. Molyncux opened the envel>pe half-absently, glanced hurriedly at ;lie contents and then gave vent to a nuttercd execration, which apparently elicvcd his over-wrought feelings. Ifter striding about the room for a few nometits in great agitation, he suddenly nilted in front cf Tom. and tried in a roice of suppressed pas?i-m: "You?you impertinent. disrespectful, lisobedicnt rosea'! V-V * did you say ibout the money?" "I Haiti every farthing would be reurned to you," replied Tom staring at lis father. "Very well," said the old man, abruptly; and he immediately sat down at he writing-table, and wrote a note with i tremulous hand. "Read that," ho said o his son, wheu he had finished. Tom, in his turn amazed and bewiliered, read as follows: "Deah Lord Labuhndm.?It it very cind of you to hasten to inform me. on hearing of my son's roturn, that you J have other viewn with regard to your daughter Florence. I ought, perhaps, i to have mentioned that my son lias been engaged to a Miss Fabian for some months, nnd that his marriage will take i rvltw>o "Yours faithfully, "Jno. Mulyneux." "Oh, father! It is awfully {food or \ you," cried Tom, with tears in his eyes. ! "I expect Lord Laburnum will be riled," said old Mr. Molyneux, "sulkily, as he folded up the note. '*1 doubt if I should have made 10,000 pounds by allowing you to marry his daughter."? London Truth. j NELLIE GRANT'S THOUIILES. np ennnntnenft in Ilcr Domoxtir Atl'airs (aiTRn Publicity by the I'rrMn. A Washington letter says: For several weeks stories have been in circulation about an unpleasant condition of affajrs between Nellie Grant-Sartoris and her husband. Long and minutely detailed histories of this difficulty and the probability of a divor e have been i in various Easlem*publication offices for some time, but no publication of these stories was mndc in Eastern papers until the story first appeared in Denver. The local papers have had several columns upon this subject from.day today. The Critic contains the following, which throws more light upon what has al! ready been printed: "The newspaper gossip about an unpleasantness existing in the married rel lations of Mrs. Nellie Grant-Sartoris and her husband docs not surprise those familiar with their courtship. They look upon these reports as the natural sequence of the uncongenial?to use a mild phrase?alliance. Miss Nellie was a girl of sweet, disposition and gentle manners?her father's idol?while Sartoris was a rough and coarse- grained Englishman. His general conduct, in connection with the fact that he had exhibited some of Miss Nellie's letters to him, accompanied with gross remarks, tc persons in a Wisconsin town where an accomplished young lady had re jecteu nis aauresses, caused solicitude anions many of General Grant's personal friends, some of whom consulted as to the propriety of informing him of Sar. toris'.s conduct, with a view to regaining ! possession of Miss Nellie's letters. "Senator Matt Carpenter finally con* i scnted to broach the delicate subject to I General Grant. He called at the White House and in as delicate manner as possible, commenced relating the current scandal as to Sartoris's notorious eoni duct, when the General quietly re! marked: " 'That will do. Senator. My flaughi,ter is engaged to Mr. Sartoris, and the | wedding will take place.' Senator Carpenter, in speaking of the interview, said he never felt so chagrined as at the President's abrupt closing of the conversation, and that he would never again under any circumstances, attempt to advise about the domestic affairs of any one. It was well known that Gen. Grant was opposed to the alliance, but i when his daughter's affections were en| gaged he acquiesced and would listen | to no argument or suggestion to the conj trary. "When Governor Jewell was rcturni ing from his mission at St. Petersburg, ; to accept a position in General Grant's j Cabinet, he stopped a day at South | Hampton call upon the elder Mr. and ! Mrs. Sartoris, the parents of Miss Ncl; lie's husband. He was cordially re' ceived by both of them, but in the , course of conversation Mrs. Sartoris as tonished the ex-Minister to Russia by ! remarking that she 'didn't see what I there was about Algernon to cause the ; daughter of the President of the great , United States to fall in love with and i marry.' Governor Jewell subsequently j expressed the same astonishment." The Old, Old Story. j | My con, if I should publish a daily ! paper for 20 years?if you can just strain vnnr r-roiliilitv to t.bn minif- i\f tv>lif>viii? J that I could keep a daily paper going j longer than six weeks?if J should pub! lish a daily paper twenty years, and in all that time fake occasion to mention you about twice a week us "our distinguished fellow townsman '* .yid "that eminent, man of letters and merchant, prince," and should say every you crossed the river on the fnrry {hat you had "departed" for tho Kast, and when you came back 1 should notice that, "our I justly popular fellow citizen" had "rej turned;" if I should in a!! those years ! praise your dog, your hor*o. your goods, i your wife and babies, your elotl'cs and | your character, and then day, v. hen j i was away attend::::* a convention, mv ; local editor .should c*M attcntio.. of ! the town marshal to t*-o f.lthv <.oud?'in.i j of tho street. and sM?jv?.lk in front o;r ! your store, would you tror for<;lve i>u? | Would, you? You wni.-id denounce tl.e i paper as a ''scurrilous sh-'?" and its ! editor a "lying scnii la!-monger ought to l>c whippa-t out of 'he community." That js the rea?on, jry son, why thore are hut two k'.u ?* uf c^ots. Oik: is a meek. andliug. !'.:nid little scrivener, who pay* nil ihe ud-? ?wi ?d lows his neighbors t>j ?*dit his >?ap?-:<ind the other i* a nuculeiit, 't?o?l vohtd savage, who vicio;i*:> sc-.-.i-li^s out t:.e iiirc little persona! t?;? Ic-jI lins written about your i?o n*\ and rends it in?"By some u_ 3 'cc*po of a stern and relentless P?-.>?i Jako DilTcnbaujjh has been ?o come back home alive," ana tVn m--**? you at the head of the stairs with a blackjack and pounds the top of yo?t boad in when yon come to see ab. ut it. Tlio Canadian Way. A Bangor man just returned from the Chaudiere River district in Canada tolls how the people there look at small-pox. He stopped over night at a French Canadian's whose son was foolish. The native said he was made thus by smallpox. Said he: "You see, we have all got. to have it sooner or later, and so last fall, haviug our work done up early, I said to my wife, 'I guess this is a good time to have it.' So I hitched up, went down to the village, and got it. It killed three of my children and iniide that l>oy foolish." ,V! ' .' ' THE JOKERS' BUDGET. A LITTI.K lUmiOUOUM KKADINIi FOR ; T11K I.KISCHK KOIIHH. Old Not See It?lie Hnd Never Been Intnxlrnted ?lie Paid for 11 in Drinks?A | Hbockiiifi Trii?edy, Ktc., Htc. DI1) NOT 8KB IT. A joke is h mystery to some people. In u certain court in thiB State on a time the proceedings were del'iyed by the failure of ? witness named Sarah Mony t to arrive. After waiting a long time for Sarah the court concluded to wait no ' , longer, an?, wishing to crack his little ( joke, remarked: "This court will ad-j journ without Sarnh-mony." Everybody , laughed except one man, who sat in 1 solemn meditation for live minutes, and , then burst into a hearty guffaw, exclaim- 1 ing, "I see it! I see it!" When he went home he tried to tell the joke to his wife. "There was a witness named Mary Monv who didn't come," said he, 1 "and so the court said, 'We'll adjourn without Mary-mony."' "I don't see the 1 point to that," said his wife. "I know ; ] it," said he* "I didn't at first; but you < will in about five minutes."?Ltieivton i (Me.) Journal. i hk FAri>. ! ] "I notice by the papers," he said, as ; , he waited for the froth on his beer to ' settle, "that a man in a Chicago saloon fell dead just as he finished drinking a glass of beer." , "I see dot same thing in dcr papers, , too," replied the saloonist. "Curious, wasn't it?" "Vhell, I don't think so. You see, , he drank oop dot beer und said, 'Sharge ; it to mo!' und der bartender he prings ! j oudt. his club und tapsliim onder headt. ( It vhas almost cafory day somebody ( drops deadt here!" I fie laid a hickory club on the bar and J looked the man full in the eye, and the ' beer was hardly down before it was paid for.?Detroit Free I'rvsx. j IN A tJUANIJAHY. ; 1 Most people the moment they enter a parsonage to get married become so embarrassed that they really arc hardly conscious of what they are doing. One fellow I heard of was dreadfully afflicted in this was*, and without realizing his act pulled a cigar from his pocket and twirled it around in his hands. "When that portion of the ceremony was reached in which the lady and gentleman join hands he happened to have the cigar in his right liaud. What to do with that cigar he evidently didn't know. The clergyman paused for a moment, aud then repeated the instruction that they join hands. By this time the poor fellow's embarrassment had increased so that it was painful to behold. lie gave one agonized look at the minister and then stuck the cigar in his mouth. Before the ceremony could be concluded the miuistcr had to take the cigar from between his lips.?Chain- . berxburyh {Pa.) Valley S]>irit. WHITE llKAItS. Sam Ward was once seated opposite a well-known Senator at a dinner at Washington. This Senator was very j bald, and the light shining on the Iveudth of scalp attracted Ward's attention. "Can you tell me," he asked his neighbor, "why the Senator's head is like Alaska ?" i "I'm sure I don't know.'' . ' Because it's a great white bear place." The neighbor was immensely tiekled, and he hailed the Senator across the table: "Say, Senator, Ward's just got off a very smart thing about you." "What is it Y" "Do you know why your head is like Alaska ?" "No." "Because it's a great place for white bears."?San Francixco Chronicle. HOLDING OUT INDUCEMENTS. A. grocer's boy complained to his em ployer that he was worked too hard and did not get sufficient rest. "I know, Johnny," admitted the gro- | cer, "that you are kept pretty busy! most of the time, but I'll sec what can be done. Perhaps when cold weather sets in Pll let you draw molasses once in a while." NATIONAL SELFISHNESS. Tourist?"I thought some extensive improvements in Central Park had been projected ?" Proud New Yorker ? "That's so; they were; on a magnificent scale." Tourist?"Why were they never carried out ?" Native?"Oh. the rest of the country wouldn't subscribe the money."?Blkdette. i I.ET IT KEMAIN. 1 A pompous fellow was dining with a country family, when the lady of the house desired the servant to take away the dish containing the fowl, which word she pronounc *d fool, as is not uncommon to Scotland. *presume madam, you mean t|S< fowl," said the prig, in a reproving tone. "Verv weH," said the lady, a little nettled, "be it so. : Take away the fowl* and let the fool remain." , A HITDE MAN. He?"That was a shocking tragedy; wasn't it ?" She?"What was it?" "A man, without the slightest provocation. killed a woman he had never seen before in all his life." "He had never even been introduced to her4 .No; nc Knew nothing about her." "Then he was certainly a very rude man."?lii/slon Urncon. A OENTL.E HINT. Ho?"Did it ever occur to you how it must have been for Solomon o propose to a thousand maidens?" She?"Ye*; but not half so difficult :?s some of the men of the present day iiul it to be?to propose tooire maiden." hue complied with h18 kkqukst. 'Tray call me n pretty name," said he, One night to hw darting Carrie, The nirl he had com te<l bo long that she Th?\n ht he never mount to marry. Up from hU I on m the rained her head, A d her check* grew red a* r< se?. *l ?i.ink I'll e-11 ,vou the said, P??r tluy hay that lm?n proposes.'"" ?Ronton Courier. f OUT IN i-nic HAm. "Dear mc, it's ralr.ing, Mrs. Randall. You can't go out in the wet. Won't you stay to tea ?" "No, thanks; I must be getting home." "Well, anyway, you must wear my rubbers." "No, thank you, Mrs. Hopkins, it isn't raining much, and beside I haven't any strings to tie them on with." After the door was closed Mrs. Ilopkiii^ said she wished the mean old thing would catch her death of cold. ? Chicago News. HWK1ST tUAHlTY. Sympathetic Friend?"Can't you do a little something for Conductor Smith, Brown ? He has just got to work again after a three month's illness, and is very hard up." Brown?"Certainly I will. I am always glad to help a fellow-being in distress. I am going up the road to-morrow on his train and I'll pay my fare on the cars instead of buying a ticket." THE OM) KINO. Tramp?"Please, sir, will you buy this ring ? I'm starving. It's my wife's wedding ring?I?(breaks down and bursts into tears). Gentleman?"You lying rascal! I bought your wife's wedtling ring from you only lust week to *ave you from starvation. You are au impostor!" Tramp?"Not at all, air. This belongs to my second wife, I wa? married again last Monday."?Philadelphia tall. POSSIBLY TJNWOUTIIY. Indigent Young Man?"I would respectfully ask your daughter's hand in marriage, sir." 1 Rich Father (in indignant surprise)? "What! You want to marry my daughter ?" Indigent Young Man (somewhat flurried)?"Y-ycs, sir. "VV-why not? You ilon't know anything wrong with her, io you ?" a joke. Ia a teachers' convention at Dexter, Me., the President, after'assigning parts to the schoolma'ams, arose and inquired: ' Have 1 embraced all the teachers?" There was a ripple of laughter which broke unmeaningly on the ears of the worthy Chairman. As the Gazette puts it, he was "sublimely unconscious." With a puzzled face he again inquired if all the teachers had been cinbraccd. At this point Prof. Allen arose and moved that they all be embraced forthwith. He explained the joke and then the President laughed, although it is pretty hard work wto laugh at an explained joke. it possesskd its advantages. A New Yorker, who has always had an idea that he would make a successful farmer, sold out his business last winter and with the proceeds purchased a sidehill farm in Vermont. liecentlv a friend, who was paying him a visit, asked him how he was getting on. "Well,*' he replied, somewhat dubiously, "agriculturally speaking, things are not panning out as well as 1 was led to expect, but"?and he spoke more hopefull ?"the views about here are simply magnificent." ? Harper'# Bazar. an unreasonable dictum. Wife?"This letter from mother fa dated three days ago. If this ?s the best the new immediate delivery can do they had better return to the old system. Husband (who has carried the letter in his pocket two days)?"Don't be unjust, my dear. The system is new yet, and probably not in perfect working order. Give 'em time, my dear?give "em time."?N. Y. Sun dots and dashes. Tite man who went to the country for "rest and change" says the waiters got most of the change and the landlord the rest. A man learns something by running for an office and being defeated; but the knowledge gained is of a sort that does him no good in any other business. There was a brief but heated contest between a Burlington woman and a book agent the other day. The book agent used expletives and the woman used hot water. Ax exchange has an article headed "Boys and Contagion." What the small boy can't catch isn't worth catching, only he doesn't always catch what he deserves. An exchange has dropped to this: "At Union, Iowa, Mr. Charles Revere and Miss Minnie Flagg have just been married. 'A union of hearts, a union of hands, and the Flagg of our union for Hever.'" The best thing a real ignoramus can do is to become a drunkard. Everybody will then observe what a smart man he would be if he would only let whiskey alone, and thousands of lies will be told for his benefit. A small, brazen statue, with feet of lead, representing a lad sitting asleep on an anchor, has been dug up on the Island of Cyprus. This proves that the telegraph was known to the ancients. Else wjky should they have telegraph messengers ? A yAung man recently called on lir. Perkins Soonovcr, of Austin. "Doctor. I am not feeling right. I believe a change of climate would do me good." "Are you the cashier of a bank ?" asked the doctoi, who is of a suspicious disposition. Tub meanest man in New Orleans cuts the dry goods advertisements out of the paper before giving it to his wife. He say8 wants to go out and buy everything she sees advertised. There are thousands like her; but only one such uicau inuli| o\j lar iw ucwu iiuiii? Prkd?I understand that you are going to marry Nell Blenderhasset ? You will excuse me, Charley, but what could you see in that girl, Charley ? Charley?My den/fellow, her father is immensely rich. Fred?Ah I I see; you take her at her pa value.?Boston Tran- , script. "There," said a Washington hotel man, as he read of the railway accident and the burning of the mails near that city, "that accident cost me hundreds of dollars.*' "Qot stock in the road, 1 presume." "No, hot ovary Qwmiy jisWian who is out of , wt|$ wear he sent me the amount iff ttiWi bill by that mail."