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' YORKVILLE ENQUIRER. y ISSgBD SEMI'WEEKLY. i. m. GM8T4 80NS, Pnbii.her?. } ~~ % ^amitg glcaisgagcr: ^or the promotion of the political, facial, SgrituHural, and (t^opimetirial Jnlergats o)f the ptoglt. ESTABLISHED 1855. " YORKVILLE, 8. C., WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 1900. NO. 83. . t ??????????? 0 BY MAJ. ARTBT Copyrlgut, 1900, by R. P. Fenno & Co. CHAPTER V?CONTINUED. But Just as 1 was about to open thp loHor wp vrppp Intprrunted bv the ar m- rival of a tall, military looking gentle* . man. with a fierce face and a very hec toring. overbearing manner. We were standing In the hallway, the man Sa vory and 1. for although he knew what my business was he did not trust me enough 4o let me go up stairs. The front door was Just ajar, he inside and I still on the stoop, when this highfalutin. masterful sort of gentleman came up and said to both of us: "Is this where Captain Wood lives? Look sharp. I want to know." There was a shortness in his tone and manner which, being a free born American. 1 could not stomach at all. He might have been a slave driver talking to black Africans, and 1 looked at him In a way to warn him not to raise my dander. IP "Come, speak out. Which is the man " of the bouse? Is Captain Wood in? I must see him at once. I am Sir Charles Colllngham." At this Savory bowed low. They are a mean, lickspittle lot these Britishers, when there's any talk of titles or big toads In their puddles. "Yes. yes. Sir Charles; quite so. 1 know you now. But Captain Wood Is f not In." "Where shall I find him? I must see him at once. It is a matter of duty. Where Is be'r "That's just what we want to know." I put In. "It puzzles us entirely. He has got Into some mess somewhere, and we can't tell for certain what has happened to him or where to find him." "And who the devil are you. pray?" . Pr asked my gentleman Insolently. "And what In heaven's name have you to do with Captain Wood? You are an American. I perceive." "Waal, that's so, and what difference ( does that make? Ain't I good enough to know Captain Wood or for you to talk to?" He had pretty well raised my r dander this time. "Pshaw! I've nothing to say t<5 you. 1 don't know you. and I don't want to know you. and you may go to the devil your own road as soon as you please." ( And without waiting for more he brushed past me, pushing Savory aside and saying: , "1 must go up to his rooms. There are some papers up there I want Show the way. please." and he ran up stairs, i Of course I followed. I was as much concerned about Captain Wood as he was. Besides. I felt it due to my self respect and position as one of your i most trusted agents to call this overr bearing Britisher to account The new visitor, General Sir Charles Colllngham, as I presently beard he was called, was the first In the room, 1 and be went straight to the bureau or escritoire, at which 1 expect Captain Wood did his writing business. The general fell upon the papers and turned them over with much haste and excitement . Then he turned to Savory r and said in the same peremptory tone: "Where Is the dispatch box from my office sent here last night? I don't see It Fetch It. will you?" "But It went to the captain this morning. Sir Charles, with his port- 1 manteau and other things." T "Great powers! How could It when ' you don't know where he Is?" "If you will permit me to explain." I here put In. although 1 wonder I went on, for 1 saw clearly on his face that he thought me an Interfering nonentity altogether beneath his contempt But as I told my story his manner changed, his look of utter incredulity and amazer ment gave way to one of absorbed hi terest and by the time I had finished he had thrown himself Into the nearest armchair with a loud and prolonged whistle, an evident let ofl to his dls turbed feelings. Then he sprang to his feet and walked up and down the room like a madman, talking to himself aloud: r"It's not possible. It's too preposterous 1 cannot, ought not, to believe it But yet by the Lord Harry, strange things do happen." Then he pulled up short and faced me as if 1 were a criminal and a tough "1 suppose you are to be trusted: Who and what do you call yourself? f You haven't dreamed all this? You weren't drunk last night?" * "I am a water drinker. Sir Charles Collingham.and take it from choice hot according to my physician's rule." I re- I plied severely. "You. I conclude, from your title, are a British army officer, ' but I do not consider you are a gentle^ man to make such aspersions." "Come, come, don't lose your temper. I never do?It's a mistake-in business, J and you haven't told me yet who you ' are and what you have to do with Captain Wood." I The shortest way was to give him 1 one of my cards. He was not unacquainted with the name of Saraband 1 ana saiu uu wuriruuM,* muu^u. indeed, he became now so civil that. Judging him to be really a person of 1 importance, I gave him n brief out ine of the plot to wliicb we believed Cap- 1 tain Wood had fallen a victim. I "You think it is the money, do you? I Nothing else?" he asked sharply. 1 "Why, what else could there be?" He hesitated for a moment, but said at last: j "I'm not at liberty to tell you exactly. They are confidential matters con- I nected with the service. But there ' might be reasons to Induce designing 1 people to carry off Cuptain Wood and 1 hide him for a time. He possesses certain information of the highest value 1 to? Well, I must not tell you. But 1 the disappearance of these papers, of JR GRIFFITHS. the dispatch box. In short, support's uh In that view." "There are public grounds, then, foi instituting a keen search for Captain Wood." "Very much so, Indeed, and we musl Instantly call In the police. 1 shall go al once to Scotland Yard and set the do tectlves In motion." "Guess I've been there already, and they only laughed at me." "By George, they will not laugh al me. Why, this might become a cabinel question. If those papers have fallen Into the wrong bands, there may he the devil of a row. Wood or no Wood, I must have them back this very day and I can't stop talking here." "One minute. Sir Charles. My?out interest In Captain Wood Is hardly see ond to yours. Anyway they are Identical. It would be best. I submit tc work together." "Quite so. That is very sensible. Have you any plans? What would yon propose?" He was as sweet as milk by this time. "Well, obviously one thlug presses urgently. A descent should be made by a posse of police upoD that bouse In the Strathallan road." "In any case there shall be no mora delay. Here, you, sir"?this was tc Savory?"hall the first cab. I'm off tc Scotland Yard. Will you come wltl me?" "I'd rather meet you, Sir Charles, oui yonder, for I suppose you'll go yoursell with the police?" "Certainly I shall, possibly ahead ol them, so au revolr." "Stay. Sir Charles. I had forgotten this letter which came an hour ago. II Is addressed to Captain Wood, and It might throw some light on this mysterlmia nfPnlr Tr? lw? S11TP. l!t Is In a WO man's band, but 1 was just about tc open It when you appeared. Do you think I dare?" "By all means. Every scrap of Intelligence Is of the utmost Importance now. I'll do It. I can settle afterward If necessary with Captain Wood." So he broke the seal, opened the letter and Instantly burst Into a loud, cheery laugh. "Oho, Miss Frlda. so you have not been long in coming to an understanding with our man of many millions! Read It," he said, and he handed me the letter. It was headed "273 Hill Btreet" and was signed "Frlda." There were only a few lines: What has become of you? I thought we wen to see you early, before luncheon. I have beet imply furious. Mow I am frightened. Something must have happened. It cannot be that you have already forgotten?last night! "Reckon 1 know what she means by last night.' for I heard their parting ai the door of the bouse in Prince's Clate." "Where no doubt they had been billing and cooing." added the general. "But she Is entitled to know what has happened. You bad better go round by Hill street on your way to Barnes. Enough said. I'm off." We soon started. Savory and I, In a second hansom and at the man's suggestion took the dog. "He'll surely find the captain," said Savory. "If there Is any sort of scent." and the dog seemed to understand bis business, for directly we reached Hill Btreet he was the first Inside the house aud raced up stairs In a businesslike way and evidently quite at home In the place. By and by he came down again, followed by about the brightest, smartest and sweetest young creature I had seen since my last Sunday walk on Fifth avenue after church. It's not In my line to say what she wore, but I think It was a tailor made "Of course you are from Captain Woodl This is Ms dog." garment, and It fitted her like a glove. All I could see were her flashing eyes and the red lips apart as she tackled me sharply. "Of course you are from Captain Wood? This Is his dog. Wtnt have poutotellme? Quick! Explain Where Is he himself?" "I wish, madam, I could tell you that for certain, but I cannot The fact is the captulu ls""Here! Step In here." She opened the door of a room, showed me a chair, then took her stand on the hearthrug, with her arms behind her back, and Bald: "Let me have the whole story or as much as you know of It Make haste, please." She still stood erect and fearless, showing great mastery over herself, as 1 told briefly and quickly all I knew. Except that the color came and went, that her cheek was now crimson, now blanched a creamy white, that her eyes flittered with the tears she still resoutely kept back, this brave child suffered no sign of emotion to escape her it the peril of her lover. "Well, what have you doue?" she isked Imperiously. "What do the police say?" I began to explain. "Tut. tut! Let us have no excuses, no ^.e beating about the bush. You have er known this?let me see?more than 12 B hours, and yet my?my friend. Captain Wood, Is still there where you say they ? took him." ' "Where I believe they took him." jro "This won't do at all, Mr.? I don't ^ know who you are or what you call a yourself? Snuyzer. an American de- tIo tectlve? Ah, well, Mr. Snuyzer, I shall b01 uow take this matter In hand. We've we got to find Captain Wood-at least 1 ^ have whether you come Into the busl- ^ ness or not." ? "I" shall be sorry to be left out miss, shi i)ut there are others besides us have "ai i taken It up now. I've seen a British to general, Collingbam by name." thi t "Yes, yes; I know. Willie's?I mean W< t Captain Wood's chief at the Intelll- ree gence. 1 was Just going to send to him. ^ He is a man of great influence and im- kit I portance, a man of the world, who mi knows his way about He has been Jo< t told, then? What is he doing?" " t "Working the police. He will take a to i mob of them down to where I traced an > the captain. I am going on to meet boi I them there." th< , "Then I'll go too. Walt here, please, "E while I put on my hat." and she rang thi the bell. "When the man comes, tell to him to bring my bike around. No; I'd W1 better take you with me. Order my I > pony cart. Say It must be at the door chi In ten minutes from now." ur< In less than ten minutes she came do i down stairs dressed for driving and < : buttoning on her gloves. 1 "Come, sir," she said brisker and th< i sharper than ever. "I cannot easily wc > forgive your previous dilatoriness. but i we must try to make up for lost time. H< Here Is the pony cart, and we will take be i the dog." ? When we reached the Strathallan ml > road, to my deep chagrin the boy Jo- etc i sepb was not there, nor was he to be ne seen anywhere near or far. Now, I tal : could have staked my life on little Jo- \ ' seph Vialls. .He was a London lad cul who bad seen much In his short life on ly ' shore and afloat, for although I had off picked him off a crossing on account of m? i his quick tongue and bright ways he sci t had been to sea on Thames lighters zle i right round the coast. Now I was gei training him to our business. He took go< to It naturally, knew what was ex- "b > pected of him and was not the sort to rig i be fooled into quitting his post or going bu off on fandangoes on bis own account. I Miss Falrholme turned on me like a bei > tiger wben we drove past the bouse or I and back still without a sign of Joe. ag; "Get out oif this cart and go and ring tin the bell," she said fiercely. "The soon- afl i er we get Inside that house the better, tel Make haste, please." exj : I hammered at that door and hung on wi to that bell till I woke all the echoes of pic 1 that dead-alive suburb. No one euine. jot 1 There was not a sign of life within, yoi I' Presently the police came up. and the for 1 general, who bad been cruising about got on his bicycle. Joined inlss outside, ml . They all stopped there, tr lklng to her a shi i bit and I judge they were hesitating soi ' to act arguing It out with the general, mc who was very fierce and positive, or- tin dering them about short and sharp, but doing little good till missy took up the ; running. But she soon sent them flying In after me and came with them. One of the constables ran around to the back, where he found u strip of * " garden with a low wall. He was over that like a flash and In through the (~ scullery window. Half a minute more H and we heard him unchaining the front n0] door. Then we all trooped into the en- the try and ran through the house, some dIa high, some low, but none of us finding me anything. There was not a scrap of ty furniture nor the signs of any occu at pancy that we could see. kee But miss, she also hunted, halloing yes on the collie dog with a "Go look. Roy," thr worry, worry, worry, which drove the fog beast nearly mad. He hunted and mo quested through the house with a noi short, snapping bark, as If he was noi rounding up a sheepfold. and It was mb he. marvelous animal, who led us Into ^ the basement. Into a sort of cellar be- me tween the front parlor and the kitchen No Hnpo hn rflwirt round and round like a thing possessed, yelping furiously. The bul place was all black darkness No win- aur dows. not a glint of daylight. But some one struck a match and lit a ?.V riei bullseye, and we could make out what fel there was there. One big. long table, a . kitchen table, with seats on each side, mJj and at the end a strange thing that told aa its own story. s It was a sort of wooden erection hai something between a scaffold and a son bulkhead; two great upright timbers, ber wedged In tight between the celling altl and the stone floor?might have been be a support, pillarlike, for the roof or A 1 celling, but we could see It was meant dis to make some one fast to?a pair o< be* stocks, you might say, cr a whipping *"ad post. And so It had been used, no ^ doubt. For there were a long chain and ? anc padlock hanging between the uprights tjcl Just over a low bench that served as a dia seat for whoever was held there a tjje prisoner. t0, This was where the collie raged to about most fiercely, snlfBng. scenting but hunting to and fro. always under the hai encouraging voice of missy, who shout wh ed, "Lu-lu-lu. good dog: And him, then hoi Where Is he: Out with him, Lu-lu." of Of course j master bad been there. 0 None of us ad a doubt of that, an un( more than of the plain fact that he wa the not there no\ We looked at each othe^ lat( hlnnklv. after a bit. hardly knowing ?ar i what <o do or say next, till miss stamped her pretty foot and cried. "Well?" o^e "1 have n suspicions," began the j sergeant, knocking his hands togetbei thr i rather Jovially, till the dust (lew out of Ma his white lisle thread gloves. "It's noi all fair and square. I shall make a re* S3 port to that effect and await Instruc* i r. ? see tlonfl- W01 "Pshaw 1" Interrupted miss. "And clu meantime Mr. Wood may be murdered. dov I shall offer a reward of ?500 to whoever mll finds him, but It must be within the an(next 24 hours." oni "Now you're talking," I said heart!- doo ly, "and I don't see we gain much by Th< Staying here. The cage Is empty, and oth 've got to follow the birds wherevthey've flown." If you'll excuse me," said the Ber- i int, who had got mighty eager wheo heard of the reward, "the most >per course, as I see It, la to start m this here house. Whose Is it? I 10 took It? Likewise who put up this aaratus, and why? When those queans is answered by the neighbors, i use agents, tradesmen and such like, may come to lay our Angers on c >m as Is responsible for this here siness." . i You had better do all that, then," d the general, very discontented, ^ ad I shall go to New Scotland Yard ( the fountain head. There's more In s than you duffers seem to think. c ? want the best man they've got, n LI ueietuve, iu iurc up iuo ittoc. ?his was aimed at me. It was unld, you'll say. But after all Jiow ich bad I done and where was boy e? 'Ifs not like him," I was saying half myself as we stood together, miss d I, while she was faking the ribas and with one neat brown shoe on ? step was just getting Into her cart, ilther he's been caught spying?and it's not like hlra?or he's banging on their heels like bird lime. But? bat In thunder's that?" saw some rough writing in white alk upon the gate, and an arrow flgjd there with the point toward Lonn: >>ked it. Follerln on. Jot. They were as plain as print so was ilr meaning, and I polntod out the >rds triumphantly to MIso Fairbolme. '1 knew that boy wouldn't fall me. >'s got grit he has. Some day he'll able to teach me my business"? 'I wish he would begin soon." said ss peevishly. "It'B always the sume iry. Some day, one day. next day. ver. And all this time he?poor Capn Wood?is"? Vlth that she gave her pony a smart t with her tbong. and the beast nearspringing through his collar, started ? like a mad thing, with the other id beast of a dog yelping and -eeching and jumping up at bis muzor trying to bite at his heels. The J neral ulso gave me a contemptuous v L?d day und. springing on to his o Ike" like a boy. went off at a real J' :ht down scorching pace after the c ggy- * n expect that is the last 1 shall see of h r. for she never took a card of mine asked where she could And me ? aiu, and I've fully made up my mind ? it never so long as I live will 1 bunt T ;er her. When Joe reappears, as I 15 1 you, gentlemen, 1 most confidently * nonf ho arill nt unv moment and tb important news, so that 1 can ' :k up fresh threads, I'll do the next > aloue. I dou't want do hlghfalutiD ling duchesses treating one like dirt. ^ a true born American citizen is as t Dd as any emperor, let alone a pert nj with ever so pretty u face. We ill see. If there wus no better rea ^ i than the wish to bumble her, 1 0 an to see the thing right through to. ?very end. v to be continued. g ? V CALLED THE WHITE DEATH. Jj a lemarkable Mist That Comes Suddenly and * With Deadly Effect. >f all the natural phenomena pecu- e' r to the Rocky Mountain region j le Is more strange or terrible .han : mysterious storm known to the Inns as the "white death." Scientific n have never yet had an opportunlof investigating It, because It comes c the most unexpected times and may >p away from a certain locality for irs. Well-read men who have been ough It say that it is really a frozen b But where the fog comes from is 8, re than any one can say. This phenenon occurs most frequently in the b them part of Colorado, In Wyoig and occasionally In Montana. Lbout two years ago a party of two n and three women were crossing rth Park in a wagon in the month February. The air was bitterly cold, d : dry as a bone and motionless. The i shone with almost startling brilicy. As the five people drove along d sr the crisp snow they did not expe- g, nee the slightest cold; but really : more comfortable, and rather ened the trip. Mountain peaks 60 es away could be seen as distinctly the pine frees by the roadside, uddenly one of the women put her c id up to her face and remarked that tethlng stung her. Then other mems of the party did the same thing, C( hough not a sign of an Insect could seen. All marvelled greatly at this, moment later they noticed that the lt tant mountains were disappearing ilnd a cloud of mist. Mist in Colo- n lo in February? Surely there must some mistake, because within ten lutes a gentle wind began to blow 1 the air became filled with fine pares of something that sclntllated like w mond dust in the sunshine. Still people drove on until they came ^ a. cabin where a man signalled them stop. With his head tied up In a idle of mufflers, he rushed out and ided the driver a piece of paper on Ich was written: "Come into the ise quick, or this storm will kill all you. Don't talk outside here." f course no time was lost In geting c{ ler cover and putting the horse In stables. But they were a little too ^ i, for in less than an hour the whole ty was sick with violent coughs and er. Before the next morning one of wnmon with all the svmDtoms . pneumonia. The others were vio- D' tly ill of it, but managed to pull ^ ough after long sickness.?Ainslee's te gazine. U1 " The speech of the average office- ni king politician, if boiled down, aid read about like this: Fellow zens, this country is going on the In vn grade to ruin at the rate of forty es an hour, with the track greased w I the brakes out of order. There is If y one way to escape the impending >m and you must be quick about it. te i way to do is to snow under the t* er fellow and elect me." jptettttaneou? fkadtog. EXPOSITION DAY. [With Apologies to Tlmrod.] lo! woodsmen of the mountain side! Ho! dwellers In the vales! lo! ye who by the chafing tide Have roughened In the gales! .reave barnyard byre, leave kith an* kin And hearken to my lay? Columbia sends her summons out For Exposition Day. ?he stranger shuns your sunny land, Because he knows It not; four fertile fields neglected stand, Your barns and homesteads rot! Jive up your antiquated ways, And learn to advertise; Charleston will tell you how it pays? Charleson is growing wise! Come, with the clothes upon your back, With wool hat, duster, grip; )on't stop your biggest trunk to pack For such an easy trip? Jut hasten to the Capital. So glorious and so gay, Lnd hear the Charleston fellows talk On Exposition Day! Joes any father? let him know That no one wins a prize? L man, a city or a State, That does not advertise. >! could we like Atlanta boom, And in her spirit work. Charleston would get up from her tomb And-hustle like a Turk! Vhat State cannot grow rich and great Whose sons spread Wide her fame? leorgia has held a great big show? "Why can't we do the same? Chen swell the Exposition fund, And swoop it up with zeal, Chis Show is South Carolina's own, To bring her wealth and weal. To! woodsmen of the mountain side! Ho! dwellers in the vales! lo! ye by the roaring tide Have roughened in the gales! Come flocking gayly to the Fair From forest, hill, and bay, k.nd learn what Charleston means to do On Exposition Day! HOW THEY MAKE US LAUGH. amples of the Jokes the Comedians Are Now Using. New Yorkers And much amusement ust now ip the music halls and vaudeille shows about town. While they ften come face to face with stage okes of their boyhood, the stereotyped onundrum from the patent medicine nan's almanac, or the stories they leard in the corner grocery days, they Ind much that is new and really witty, lost of the funny tnings look flat in irlnt; but the ridiculous manner in rhich they are uttered and the horseJay which accompanies most of them erve to carry them off with more or 288 success. The following Is so popuir Just now that It Is being told In ialf a dozen New York theatres nighty and has been In use for six months: First Comedian?My sister has great uck. She went down to Asbury Park his summer and got a $100 pearl out of n oyster. Second Comedian?That's nothing. Cy sister got a diamond necklace out f a lobster at Narragansett Pier. Mason and Francis, a sketch team rho played at Proctor's Twenty-third Itreet theatre, opened the programme irlth a sketch In which the stage setIng showed the exterior of a country an. The man of the team appears as farmer. .The woman appears as a waitress. After a little by play the armer announces that he would like d have some dinner. Many of the dlshs he orders Is not on the bill of fare. Mnally, he says he would like to have ome hard boiled potatoes. "We didn't expect you." 'We haven't any," replies the girl. "Well, then," he says, "give me a ouple of loose eggs." "Haven't any," is again the answer. We didn't expect you." "Well," asks the farmer, "didn't the 1 ens expect me either?" and she an- ' wers: "No, if they had, they would have een laying for you." "You're a wonder." "You ought to see my sister." "Where is she?" "Doing a skirt dance in 'Aladdin.' " "You ought to see my sister. She's , oing a skirt dance in a laundry." Walter Terry and Nellie Elmer, a song 1 nd dance team, who appear later on, ' iscuss matrimony. The girl finally iys: "What kind of a husband do you adise me to get?" He replies: "Get a single man and let husbands lone." Two men, billed as "Smith and ampbell, taking comedians," amuse ie audience with this sort of patter: "I'm going to buy my Uncle Tom a mdy horse." "Why? He might not like it." "Well, if he don't like it he can lick "Don't spring anything like that on le. Did you hear about my brother?" "No." "He's a corker." "Is that so?" "Yes, he's got a job in a bottling orks." , Do you know that your coat don't t you?" . "It's a good fit." "Go on, it's almost a convulsion." "I met your wife yesterday." "Did you notice her teeth?" "No, she didn't open her mouth." "That couldn't have been my wife." "I understand you beat her like a irpet" "That's the only way I can get the list out of her." "Say, do you know I started in life 3 a barefooted boy?" , wen, i ten you rignc nere i. wasni ^ orn with shoes on." . "I'm well fixed now. I got a Job t slplng my father. He's the superlnindent of a factory and has 1,000 men rider him." "That's nothing; my father had 5,000 ien under him." "Is that so?" 1 "Yes, when he went up In the balloon c i Chicago." "Well, my father was a soldier. He I as the first man to enlist In the 121st I iswich regiment." "There's no such regiment. Don't sll that to anyone who knows anyilng." * "1 never do." I At Miner's Bowery theatre a team 1 announced as "Campbell and Caulfleld, < Kings of Irish Comedy," Joke about the mother-in-law, the father-in-law and other members of the family. They even go back to their grandparents, i Here Is a sample: Campbell?My grandfather was so < smart he knew he was going to die ten days before he died. Caulfleld?Who told him; the sheriff? Campbell?And when my grandmoth- i er died she had $150 worth of gold in her teeth. < Caulfleld?That's an awful lot of money going to the devil. Campbell?Well, we won't talk about nur Hoq/1 ralothroo- hnf vnn Vioor about me the other night? I met a < Dutchman who offered to make a bet < with me that he could sing longer than I could. I took up the bet and I sang i "Annie Laurie" for two hours and a half." Caulfleld?Did you win?" Campbell?No; he -sang "The Stars and Stripes Forever." Later on In the show Coulter and 1 Starr, Negro comedians, get Into an ' argument and Coulter says: "I saw a deaf and dumb man run 1 over this morning, and he waa knocked speechless." ' Starr?Ah, go on. How could that be? Coulter?It's a fact; one of his hands was cut off. Starr?Well, it's strange how people will get In the way of cable cars and 1 be killed so young. My father lived to be an old man. He died at the age of 1 96. Coulter?Mine died at 196. Starr?Go on. ' Coulter?Yes, 196 Eighth avenue. At the Broadway Music Hall DeWolf ' Hopper and Lillian Russell chaff each other for the amusement of the audi- j ence. For instance: Hopper?Say, Lillian, Just think of us, down here at Weber & Field's. Why did you leave comic opera? Miss Russell?I'll tell you some daysome rainy day. j As they leave the stage, Weber and ( Fields come on, In a small wagon, which is referred to as a moving side- , walk. : Fields?I don't like those moving sldevalks. You are liable to pass your- ( self mitout knowing It. Weber?Never mind; are you glad ( you came to Paris to spend your vaccination? Fields?Mebbe. Vat did dot fellow : mean by giving us dot tip on der horse vhlch did not vin? Weber?I didn't know what heiheant, but vot he meant ve got. Fields?But he gave us a guarantee der horse vould vin. Weber?Yes, but vhen a horse loses him's guarantee runs out. Und he vere such a nice looking horse; but he stood dere vhen der race commenced and valted. He vouldn't run. Fields?He vas ashamed to run mlt dem other slobs. Weber?Veil, vhy did you pick out such a high toned horse? Fields?Never mind, ve vlll make a million dollars a day here. ? Weber?Den ve will stay two days. Fields?I vould like to get my money Insured so dot vhen I spend It I could get It back. Enter Dave Warfleld as the Hebrew. Warfleld?I vant to know if I lost vhen I betted sometlng? Warfleld?Mebbe, tell us. Warfleld?Do you know about military codes? "Sure." Warfleld?Vhat must a man be be- ( fore he can burled be mlt military honors? Weber?A captain. Fields?No, a generals. Warfleld?Den I guess I lose, cause I bet he must be dead. Warfleld agrees to enter Into partnership with the other two, and they decide to make him custodian of their funds. ? Weber?You must be sworned In. Fields?Yes, you must be sworn. Warfleld?I don't know how. Weber?Raise your right hand. Weber and Fields In chorus?Swear. Warfleld?Go to hell. In one scene Hopper sayp to Field; "Not a word. I hold you responsible for this. You at least have a modicum af cerebrum and cerebellum." Weber (aside)? If he said dot to me I vould fight. Hopper?You may not be one of those supersensitive metaphysical natures that finds Its most harmonious setting In 'an atmosphere of empyrean-searching thought or seeks among the altituJlnous baths of psychological research the mind companionship that can only mere De lounu uy ine uuejieci uur- i Jened with an Intense and overwean- t Ing mentality; but you comprehend In c your mental composition more of the c ?ray matter upon which depends lntelIgent conception of relative and cor- b relative phenomena than Is accorded v to the troglodytes nlger or the com- r mon slmladae, therefore I hold you re- t sponsible, If not wholly, at least In the f lght of a partlceps criminls. He then aporoaches Warfleld, asking: s 'As for you, what can I say to you?" I Warfleld?I guess you said It all to s tilm." 8 Hopper?I should have thought that a lommon sense would have shown you :hat this occiput humana horrldls could n lot be placed In harmonious justaposl- b :ion to the beauteous and neophytic fe- s nur patella tibia and fibula pertaining :o this automata and correlate with It c n giving It artistic virlsmilitude. I ti :an only account for it upon the hy- h jothesls that you have been aborigine C ind In rerum natura, noncompos men- n ;is, or to place a kinder construction b lpon It, inter pecula. To make myself s nore plainly understood, I might say :o you, in the language of Cicero: n "Sic peresus ojam asparagus, t] Jaborandl medula oblongata, Slatlca rex nux vomica." " tl In one scene John T. Kelly asks 1( fields: "What would you do for *10,- t( W?" fl "I'm ashamed to tell you," replies y fields, and this always brings out a y learty laugh. Kelly?Are you a married man? ' Fields?Sure. tl Kelly (turning to Weber)?You're a o narrled man. t< Weber (looking at scratches on his ti hand)?No, I got dose scratches from der cat. Here Is a sample of the dialogue In the travesty on "Quo Vadis:" Petrollus?I thought you were fry- / Ing Fenians in Farina. Marcus?Tou are not aloneous. Some one rubbereth. Petrollus?Tls my slave, Spoonus. Marcus?She is a beautus. Petrollus?I got her in an employmentus agentus. Petrollus and Marcus fight and then one remarks that the other "has twice the blow of Thomas Sharkus, and that's no fakus, either. Hopper always gets a laugh by the manner in which he says, "Come, Marcus, to the boozorlum and let us quaff a Mamie Taylorus." Further uptown at the Victoria the Roger brothers discuss golf. "Do you know dot gollulluff game?" "JNO." 'Til explode It to you." "I'm sorry." "You must first have money to play dot game. Den you valk a mile after a. ball." "I once valked four miles for a high ball." "Veil, you don't get a drink until der game is out" "Den I vould not play." "You vlll." "I vlll; but how do you know vhen you vln her game?" "Veil, you strike the ball through der links." "Go, ahead; you hit der ball through the butcher's vindow." "No; I didn't said dot" "I can't understood It vhy not I study der rules?" "If you study der rules you vlll be crazy In three years." Gus Rogers says: "I live In a fine house up here. Ve have all kinds of Improvements; soft shell tubs, two Idnds of hot vater; luke varm und cold and such as dot" They get hold of a girl's autograph album and read from It as follows: "He who fights and runs away will live to fight another day.?James J. Corbett" ? . "Don't let your right, hand know what your left Is doing.?Bob Fltzsimmons." Here Is a sample joke from one of the other concert halls: Levy's brother died In Chicago the other day. The undertaker telegraphed to Levy: "What will I do with body? [ can embalm It for $60, or freeze It for 130. Please answer." And Levy answered: "Freeze It from dej knees up; he had his feet frozen last winter." One of the stories told by the late John W. Kelly Is now going the rounds of the music halls: "I'm hanged if ye don't mate some queer people nowadays; I met Casey the other day and he was dressed In a new suit. I sez, 'Hello, Casey, where hev ye been?' And he said he was at i funeral. 'Whose dead?' sez I, and Sasey answered, 'I don't know; I just ' went to the funeral for the ride.'" Pat Rooney was In the habit of sayng: "I kin stand a Joke as well as anny nan, but whin a Dutch truckdrlver :omes along and takes me for a lamppost by tylhg his horse to me as I stand there on the cornet1 I don't think :hat's anny joke." John Kernell's opening remark was: Til niver wear these earmuffs again is long as I live. Casey asked me to rave a drink yesterday and I didn't iear him."?New York Sun. THE WOOING OF WOO. Shlnamen Don't Do Their Courting Until After Marriage. How the Chinese minister at Washngton, W. Ting Fang, secured, when a roung man and about to be married, the musual privilege of seeing, before the vedding day, the girl who was to be lis wife, was told by him to several 'riends a few days ago, says the Satlrday Evening Post. "In China our young men do not seect wives for themselves; but leave it o their parents," he said. "We know that our'parents want us o be happy and we are willing to let hem Judge who will make a good wife, rhe young man is never permitted to lee, before the ceremony, the one whom le is to marry. "We have few unhappy marriages n China, and perhaps that is because ve do not spend all the affection before narriage, as It seems to me the young >eople of America sometimes do. "I was very anxious to see the girl ny parents had chosen for me; but hey told me it would be impossible to lave an interview or even a formal neeting, and that I could not even see ler. But after I had begged very hard hey finally consented to let me have ?ne look at her, and the permission iverjoyed me. "So, one day I sat by a window, beilndabnnd which entirely hid me. After waiting a long time, three young wonen came down the street, and I was old that one of them was to be my uture wife. " 'But which one? Which one is he?' I demanded eagerly, and when was told it was the one on the outlde I looked at her harder and with :reater delight than I ever looked at .nythlng else either before or since." The minister was silent for a few noments, and his mind was evidently iusy with the pleasant past Then he aid with a half-chuckle: "What I was curious to know, but ouldn't find out, was whether the fuure Mrs. Wu knew I was looking at er. Oh, lb was entirely contrary in Ihinese etiquette?entirely?but I shall ever forget how happy I felt as my ride-to-be came so prettily up the treet." A Drastic Measure.?A Spanish mglstrate, shocked by the extent of lie food adulteration, Issued a procimatlon. aflame with rlehteous wrath. fiat "all wines, groceries and provis>ns, which upon analysis are proved 3 be injurious to health, will be conscated forthwith and distributed to ie different charitable institutions."? (Toman's Journal. t2T It iz the fear ov the law, more iian the luv ov it, that keeps the best v us out ov mischief. It iz no disgrace j be bit bi a dog once, but the seckond [me it iz.?John Billings.