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WRm^ . - ? ' i ? -. f r " /.-:/. /ry THOS. J. ADAMS, PROPRIETOR. ' "~ EDGEFIELD, S. C., WEDNESDAY, APRIL 14, 1897. _YOL. LXII. NO. 12. HOPE?3 MESSENGER. A poet sang a song lato tho night. For but oae reason, that he needs must sing, And through tho darkness, like a ray o> light, His simple song went slowly wandering. It passed the mansions of the rich and great, And none within its plaintive muslo heard; lt pause 1 wh^re mighty monarch sat in state, . But not a soul was by Its muslo stirred. At last lt found a woman, bent in tears Above a blor, whereon her dead child lay; Its music softly crept into her oars, Anl to her stnekon hoart it seemed to say: "Arise, fond mother,- do those tearful eyes, And look no longer downward In dospatr, But upward lift thy goss unto th? skies; Por,lo!tby darling's angel dwelleth there." -Lucius Perry Hills, In Leslie's Weekly. ON TBE PUMPKIN VINE. ANK1TT and Davisviile are connected by tho N; & D. Short line, a spur of the Great Central system, the main track of which runs through Davis ville. Among its patrons the X. and D. is commonly known ns the "Pumpkin. Yine" be cause some one had once said that the train went about as fast as a pumpkin v.ne grows in wet weather. The rolling stock consists of an en gine, a passenger coach, a mail and expresa car and four freight cars. Early each morning the train leaves Datisvillo, saunters across the fields to Nankin, then back in time for din ner ; in the afternoon the Same pro gram id gone through with* the Pump kin Vine getting back td Davisviile like a schoolboy afraid of the dark. It is some nineteen miles between the towns and by strict attention to business the four trips are generally mado in twelve hours. The conductor, Abo Bogers, acts as a brakeman ; it . increases his pay and gives him exer cise. The N. ?fe D. is paralleled almost its entire length by the old Stato road, and boastful young men are wont to match their colts against the battered pony engine as it puffs along on the other side of the fence. Truth to say, any plug can distance the locomotive as it bumps over its grass-grown track. There is a story told of a hun ter who once got aboard the Pumpkin Vine with his gun and his dog. When he saw a quail or a prairie chicken he aimed from the window; if he brought down bis bird Ihe dog wouH leap -off, And it and jump on the rear platform. People who aro fond of flowers step off, gather a bouquet of Flora's paint brush and prairie pointers, tako a short spurt after the crawling train and clamber on again. On May day the Pumpkin Yin? stood ot tho Nankitt station, a build ing of abc.t the size and architectural pretensions of a oigar box. It was j warm for the time of the year, the perfume of crab blossoms drifted in , through tho open windows of the coach and the passengers sprawled . - about in tho lassitude brought on by j the first heat. A group of Swedes < jabbered together in a corner, wag- , ging their yellow beards over the ] misdoings of one Peter Oleson of their ^ people. Several Nankitt lawyers were on their way to Circuit Court j and Tom Hargrove [eat on the arm of a seat, swinging his feet and talking , to old Squire Phinney, a looal J. P. ( A traveling mau came in, tugging at two valises. He sunk into n seat and , wiped bis forehead. "Awfnl weath- , er," he sighed. The conduotor helped lift a cultiva- ( tor into tho buggago cur, then he went , to the door of theTraiting room and , shouted "Allabud" lo the cannon btovc. ? "Allebud," he said again on the plat- , form, waved his arm to the engineer and hopped on to the rear platform. . The whistle blew and the trees and ; barns began to slide slowly backward. A young man and woman ran around the corner of the station. "Stop that train I" tho man yelled to the conduotor. They ran down the track and before the conductor had done anything the girl had swung her self up on the rear platform and the man had followed. They stood look ing at eaoh other with palpable relief. "It's dangerous getting on a car in motion," the conductor said, sternly. "You don't get no damages if you're killed." "I know, but we had to make it," m tho man said when he had the breatli to spare. "We thought you wasn't going to stop it." He had an hon est, sunburned face, his clothes were of broadcloth, his new boots creaked and his paper collar was somewhat the worse for the heat. The girl had the beauty of seven teen-color, without feature or soul. She had adorned herself in a multitude of bows and bangles and saw the world from under the eaves of a huge white hat. They entered the car with tho oon eciousness born of being in love. "Looks ?ike a bride and groom, doesn't it?" Tom said carelessly to the squire. ''Hullo, that's Hink Bar low." "Thought ho went- to I-oway," the squire answered, "All the Barlow boys Bold out here." "I gueps he'ii baok visiting; I'll go and speak to him." Tom walked back to where Hink aud the girl had found a seat. "Howdy do? Won't yon in troduce me to your wife?" Hink's face turned a deeper red thun ever the sun had painted it. "She ain't my wife-exactly-yet," he stam mered. The train was running along side the State road. Hink suddenly started np and looked out of the window. "It's him," ho exclaimed excitedly. "He must V taw us get on." Tom looked toward the road and saw a man standing up in a backboard likr n Roman charioteer, shaking his Hst and apparently hurling opprobrious I epithets at the train. "Wo can't stop this here train now," they could hear the conductor shout, "/or we've got to be in Davisviilo by 1.30." It was then 10.30. .Til beat your old cow, theo," the ?an yelled "back iq derision, "Tell 'em I'll meet 'em at the Davii depot." "Confound it," saia Hink, "I \ he hadn't seen us got on." The girl began to orv. "What's the row? Who is thal low?" Tom asked. "Why, you see, Mr. Hargrc Hank replied, "he's Mary's brc and he's took a full notion that sha'n't marry me-says our cheated him swapping watches. 1 ain't eighteen till July and I've g< get baok to I-oway to cultivate corn and so her mother said fo: jest to slip away and get married v out letting Durfey know. "We c to Nnnkitt this morning, I got license and we was going to the 1 tist preacher's when we seen Du coming. We was near the depot so we jest skited and got on this t -and he must 'a' saw us. " "And now he's going to Dayisi to stop you?" Tom queried. "Yes-and he'll beat us, for I bay be's driving can outtrot any hi around here." "Well, he can't prevent her fi marrying you? can he?" "I guess ho could-he's my gu deen," M?ry said, hiting her face ready swulleu With tears. "Th anyway* if he meets us and say mast go off with him I just know do it. I won't want to leavo Hink I always do what Durfey tells me. " Tom wondered that any man sho want to marry a girl with so lil "baokbone"-so he termed her tim i ty-but he kept this reflection himself, knowing the ways of bri grooms and their unreasoning foi ness. "Perhaps we can got the c< ductor to hurry np the train," suggested. That personage was oolleoting fa; in his shirt slea ves but wearing his c to give an official air. "Can we gi little faster, Abe?" Tom said, as gave up his ticket; "this gentlem would like to beat that buckboa man to Davisville. Runaways," whispered iu conclusion. The conductor frowned, punoh the ticket, then stuck it in Tom's I band* "We can't go more'n ni: miles an hour," he answered. "We' got strict orders not to kill no stee nor horses an J they're jest everlai ingly on this here track. But we try to keep that fmarty on the Sta road in sight," he ended, vindiativel for the insult of miscalling his trun cow rankled in his bosom. "Whi we stop at Sage I'll get off and tell tl engineer. " ?Sage was a station where a grai elevator reared itsclf'about the sui rounding cornoribs and where weather beaten platform served t depot. By the time the tram reache there everybody in the car knew tb story of che runaways. At Sage tt Swedes clattered out and the condui tor ran to the locomotive and told th engineer to "go a mite faster." Tbc passenger could soe the man i thu buckboard clippihg'rtoYigtho roa about a quarter of a mile ahead "He's bound to beat you," Tom said drawing in his head after a survey o their rival. "Hadn't you better ge off at the next stop and try to get i farmer to drive you baok to Nankitt You say you have your license?" "Yes." Hihk answered, despond :atly, "here it is." He drew it fron Iiis pocket and handed it to Tom "If we did get off we mightn't fine anybody willing to take us back." "That's so," Tom responded. H< ran his eyes over the license-a ne^ idea came to him. "Would you le: Squire Phinney marry yon?" he asked, "Ho's there on the front seat, lt wil bc legal if it's, done beforo we react the city line. "You can bet I'm willing to marr} if Mary is," Hink answered, joyfully. "I never thought I'd ba married bj & squire," sho said, "hut I guoas it'i all right, for then I won't have to gc back with Duriey." Sho wiped bei eyes, patted her back hair and smiled at Uer lover. Tho squire consented to perform the Beremony, although ho said he "disre membered all tho quirks in the service, not hp.ving his book." "But I'll make i stagger at it," he remarked, "and it will hold in law," "All right." taid Tom. He led the bride and groom into tho aisle, both looking vejy warm and timid. "Don't bo bashful," no counseled ; "we're all friends here." Thu passengers crowded around the wedding party and tho conductor put on his coat in honor of the occasion. While the squire wiped his brow in preparation, Tom looked ont of the window. Mary's brother was bowling along in JJ oloud of dust. "We've fixed him, he whispered, gleefully, to tho traveling man. Squire Phinney mumbled through the marriage ceremony, making noises in his throat when he forgot the words. Hink said "Yea" so loud that he was covered in a wave of confusion, but Mary peeped out her assent in the voioe of a canary. "I prouounce you man nnd wife," the i quire said as the train slacked up at the second station. After the con gratulations were over tho bride and groom had a drink of ice water from the cooler and then sat down on the baok seat where they could hold hands unobserved. The car settled down to quiet. Tom and the traveling man smoked on the platform and the old squire, richer $3 than when he started, put his bandana over his face and slept. As the train neared Davisville ex pectation woke on overy face. Tom felt a pleasant thrill at the prospect of trouble when they reached the station. As they swung around a curve they could see a bay horse and a buckboard tied to a post behind the depot. "Ho'a there 1" Hink oried. "Let mo go out ahead of you, Hink," Tom said as the train stopped with a final jar. The other passengers filed out and grouped themselves where they could see what happened. Mary's brother came up close to tho car steps, his forehead was drawn into deep creases and ho held his whip in his fist. Tom came ont, closely followed by Hink and his wife. The brother took a better hold of his whip. "You young hound I" he cried. Tom smiled ns if ho thought this was for him. He waved his hand toward the young couple, "Mr. Durfey Maoey," ho said, suavely, "I have tue pleasure of presenting Mr. and Mr?. Barlow and-" "You lie, and I'll horsewhip you, , too," tho man shouted, braudisuing ; hil whip, y , "No, I don't" Tom retorted. "They were married on this train. Ask any of these people." He indicated the passengers. Squire Phinney stepped forward. "I married 'em," he said, with a chuokle, "while you was jogging along the State road abont half a mile a hen J. " Durfoy stepped back. "Well, I wash my hands of tho busin?ss," he said, suddenly. "Mary, are you go ing back to see your mother before you go West?" "Yes, me'n Hink aro going back on this train," she answered. Durfey turned away with a grunt. Squire Phinney felt that he had played a strong part and thought to round out tho whole by a joke of h? own manufacture. "Good horse of yours," he called, "you ought-a train him for the race track. " "He got hero before the Potato Vino, anyway," tho man growled, for getting the name of tho railroad of love. "Woll, young man, there's more'n one way of winning a race," the squire retorted, in a triumphant look of repartee. The passengers laughed at his sally, and then dispersed. Hink and Mary went baok into the car, deserted now save for the conductor, counting his change on the front seat. They went to Iowa the next week and the romance of their wedding gave'place to the prose of farra life. Squire Phinney, however, never tired of telling of the time he and Tom Har grove made a wedding on the Pump kin Vine and what he afterward said to the enraged brother.-Buffalo (N. I.) Times. _ SCIENTIFIC ABD INDUSTRIAL. Roentgen ray photographs were ad mitted as evidence in a Denver (Col.) court recently. Colozed photographs taken at a single operation aro shown by Dr. Joly, of Dublin, Ireland. A great international congress of soience will bo held at Dover, Eng land, and across the channel at Bou logne, Eranoe. Professor Amos E. Dolbear, of Tufts College, an eminent electrician, pre iiots that it will be possible ere long bo flash signals to Mars by means of jreat searchlights. A new source of true gutta percha, japablo of adding 100 tons a year to ?ho world's supply, is reported to have seen found in a creeping plant grow ing in Frenoh Soudan. A new device for ringing street car gongs has two projections placed on apposite sides of the car axle, the bell ever being thrown into contaot by Beans of a foot lever on the car plat form. When tho oar is at a standstill the bell is rung by the pressure of the lame lever. Acoording to the Botnuioal Gazette, i notable cactus garden bas been estab ?sned at tho' University of Ar?soos; '.t is the intention to bring together sventually all the Cactaceae whioh are udigenous to the United States, and dready more than one hundred species ire representen. It is said that the Chinese wash fine ilk in very pure water, and, as >rdinary well water is unsuitable, it is mrified by patting a quantity of noliueks fe. g. Faludinoe, fresh-wate* mails) in it for a day. These prey on he orgauio matter it contains, and hereby act as filters. A recently patented machine for lyeing cotton or other fabrics consists )f a color trough in which a transfer .oller covered with a spongy sub it?neo is turned by the cloth pressing >ver it, pressuro being brought to sear upon it by means of two heavy rollers, one on either sido of the trans fer roller. To facilitate the measuring of a per on's head for a hat a new device has a itrap running around the crown which ;an be drawn through a buckle to Bake tho hat larger or smaller as (lo ured, until it fits the person's bead, Then the sizo hat wanted is indicated .iy tho number on the strap next to the buckle. Tho speculative astronomers have riven us some queer calculations and >dd comparisons. One of the most 3nriou3 of these is ono in which the relative sizo of the sun and somo of tho planets is shown. They tell us that if the sun could bo represented by a globe two feet in diameter, the ?arth would bei represented proportion ally by apea, Mars by a pin head and Mercury by a mustard seed. lt Magnifies Odors. Among the latest inventions, sayb the St. Louis Republic, is a machine ivhich will take a liquid that has here fore been regarded as odorless and distil the most delicate perfume. A drop of perfumery or essence placed on the receiver will, on applying the nostril to tho nosepiece or opening, produce an overpowering stench that would in a very short time, if con tinued, cause symptoms of suffocation. The instrument eau be utilized in nearly 'every walk of life. To the grooer it will prove invaluable in de tecting adulterations ot goods. The chemist, druggist and physician, of course, can find ready use for it in their buriness, while it has been sug gested that bank paper can be tinc tured with a special odor, impercepti ble to the ordinary senee of smell, but whioh could readily be detected by thu scentograpb, thus greatly lessening thu liability of banks to fraudulent opera tors. It is also claimed for th? machine that it will becomo popular in the homes of the wealthy, for by the aid of its mechanism tho atmos phere of a largo mansion can bo kept constantly permeated with a most del icate and choice perfume at a nominal expense. For hospital and sick rooms its service will prove inestimable. The maohiue itself is a small affair, about twelve inches square and eight inches high. It is made of wood, and the opening where the nostrils aro applied is niokel plated. - -? Vigorous Yetoraus. A Bath (Mo.) man, aged sixty years and weighing 250 pounds, fell three stories on to r. p lo of iron ono day ro cently, but Le immediately got up and climbed back to the loft from which he had fallen. Daniel Clay, of Straf?brd, N. H., carried a bag of meal weighing IOU pounds i distance of three miles ro cently on a wager without putting it down. Ho is seventy-six yearH old, and the feat was a tost of endurance, -Boston Herald, AMERICA-'S FIRST. JEANETTE WAS THE PIONEER j ELEPHANT OP AMERICA. Death of the Old Beast Said to Have Come to This Country In 1823 and to Have Had Forty or More Owners. JEANETTE, an elephant whioh. most showmen believe to have been the oldest ia the United States and the first ever brought j to America, is dead at Fern, Ind. Her age is known lo have been 116 years. The Chicago Times-Herald says she has been a tenar, of menageries in this country since ir?24. Jeanetto really disd of old age. Her skin was wrinkled and drawn and her JEANETTE, AMERICA'S PIONEER ELEPHANT.'' | eyes had that peculiar lackluster np pearance which always accompanies decrepit old age. Jeanette had passed 'through the hands of so many show men that to anyone of these her entire, history is practically unknown. She came in possession of her last owner in 1885. Frevions to that time, it is estimated by those who know scraps of the aged elephant's career, she had been owned by at least forty different person?. She was of African birth and was sold for a bagful of gold. Anyone who saw her, and was familiar with elephants, would know in an instant that she was an African. Her ears were of the enormous, "umbrella" kind, which make elephants look not unlike huge foxhounds. The first that was known of Jeanette; in this country was in 1823. At that time an agent of an American menag erie was m England, and there saw the j elephant, in company with a number j of others just arrived from the Cape, as Africa is termed in Britain. She had been employed as a working ele phant for some time in Africa previous | -_ SETTLING AN OLD SCORE. (Two scenes in tho to her purchase by an English official, who was engaged in gathing a small herd to export to England. At that time, it is asserted, there was not an elephant in the United States. The agent from America conceived the idea that he had found a tremendous card for his menagerie. He purchased! Jennette for $25,000. The purohasejl was tho talk of London. The next thing to do was to get Jeanette to the United States, and that was no trifling matter. The year 1823, it must be remembered, was far in advance of the ocean greyhound, and the voyage across the Atlantic for even a human being was considered an event. The agent, however, was equal to the emergency, and one June day when a clipper ship sailed from Liverpool she had aboard of hor, snug ly Btowed in the hold, the bulky form of the comparatively youthful Jeanette. Detail is lacking as to how Jeanette ea joyed the voyage, but Bhe reached New York with but a few abrasions of tho skin and a sour tem per. Naturally Jeanette created a sensa tion in Gotham. People came from a great distance to see her lodgings not far from Battery Park. Then her owner placed her in a tent, beoause the lodgings were not largo enough to accommodate tho people who came to see her. Ho made money rapidly and Jeanette waxed fat aud strong. Af ter a while patronage began to slacken a bit, however, and Jeanette's owner, who had long ago given up the idea of placing her in any menagerie exoept TIIE DCEL. his own, put her in a wagon that was cousidered a triumph of architectural skill, and with just enough other things to justify him in calling bis outfit a menagerie started out to tour the east. Jeanette's fame spread far and wide, and alter exhibiting her until he had made his fortune her owner sold her to a menagerie. How often she changed banda after that even the best posted menagerie and circus man refuses to estimate, beyond the fact that it was at least forty times. It is certain, however, that there has been no prominent menagerie in the coun try in the last half century which has nut had a claim on Jeanette nt one time or another. When elephants be gan to be common Jeanette's fame faded. She was probably the most traveled elephant the world ever kuew. Tho fact that she fell from the pedestal of fame so many years ago did not sour her temper, for she was always considered a special pet by everyone who ever had anything to do with her. Although possessed of this good nature, sho was resentful of lanced or real injuries, and if she once took a dislike to n person woe betide that unfortunate individual if be ever vc nturcd within reach of her trunk. Jeanette bad nu antipathy to a painter uamed Fraser, which seemed to tum her against all painters. Once ehe broke lapse ned discovered a gang of painters outside the gate on their j j way from work to dinner. She gave a | shrill warning and thundered after them. They ran as fast as they could, THE FUNERAL. but Jeanette gained so rapidly that they were forced to take refuge in a barn, the great doors of which swung right open, Jeanette pressed them so hard that they climbed up into the haymow, and there the elephant kept them until their cries for help brought aid. Jeanette was not a large elephant. She weighed only three tons. She. had a persuasive way, however, when ever she took after anyone. To tell the complete story of her escapades would be an almost endless task. The greater portion of them were good natured, and she was never known to really hurt anyone who had not in jured her. It was a favorite pastime of hers whenever she broke loose in the menagerie tent to make for ibo lemonade venders, pnt them to flight and drink all their lemonade. This she seemed to consider a most delight ful treat. The same method of treat ment was applied to the men and boys who dispensed candy, and Jeanette appropriated so much of their stock that they grew to be afraid to venture near her. - The people of Pera mourn for Jean ette. She was one of the sights of the town during tho winter season, and was a friend of two-thirds of the popu lation. Her funeral was as largely at tended as that of the most prominent citizen would have been. She was only an elephant, but it is something to havo been a good elephant. Bismarck is Borod. A sadder utterance can hardly be imagined than that said to havo boen lately made by Prince Bismarck, now near the end of his life, after having oocupied the position of dictator of Europe : "I feel weak and languid, but not ill. My illness is want of the joys of WEAKNESS FOR LEMONADE, lifo of Jeanette.) life. My existence is no longer of any use ; I have no official duties, and what I see as an onlooker gives me no pleasure. Should I live longer it will still be the case. I feel lonely. I bave lost my wife, and as regards my 3ons, they have their own business. With growing age I have also lost in terest in agriculture and forestry. I rarely visit the fields and woods, since [ can no longer ride and shoot and move about as I like. Little by little politics begins to tire me." The faculty of retiring gracefully from active labor and responsibility when years become a burden and others can do the work better, is ono Bismarck has not learned. He has no such resource as Gladstone has in other interests than statecraft. Ho finds nothing to do but to meddle and complain. The knowledge that he created a Btrong empire gives him lit tle comfort, lor ho has not faith that anybody but himself can keep it strong. When Milton was old, and had for "this three years" lost the sight of his eyes, he could say : "What supports me, dost thou ask? The conscience to have lost them overplied In Liberty's defense, my noble task." But liberty is a better work than empire.-New York Independent. Compressed Air as Motive Power. * The attention of inventors has been so concentrated on electricity and its possibilities, that compressed air, which is almost as wonderful in its capabilities, has been quite lost sight of. Just what it is capable of we can not as yet understand, but wo do know that it runs locomotives, transfers tho United States mails, hurls the charge of an explosive a mile and a half, with a foroe sufficient to pulverize a regi ment. lt operates block signals on railroads, loads guns, drives machin ery, works pomps, and carves out all sorts of beautiful things from stone and marble, lt is coming into use for thousands of minor purposes. As a deaning and dusting agent, it is inval uable. It copies letters, shears sheep and is utilized in the stock yards to slaughter and dress meat. As to its future, prediction is made that it will clean house, run dumb waiters, take the place of the horse as a means of locomotion, will wash dishes and rock the baby. There are inventors who deolare that compressed air is already quite as useful as electricity.and ranch safer and more manageable. To bring it into its best uses, large distributing stations must be built, from which compressed air will como os we now get gas and water. There will, no doubt, be a ehurp rivalry between the twe great powers, electricity and com pressed air; aud between the two, we oup;ht to be able to get most of our minor services well and cheaply per formed. His Thrilling Adventures. John Elliott, a Canadian, told a story at Ellis Island, which caused tho members of the Special Board of In quiry to open their eyes in wonder. He had two trunks filled with curiosi ties, which he says ho brought from Madagascar. Elliott said that he was cast ashoro on tho Island of Madagas car. He was taken as a spy, and was to have been shot, when a pretty Mad agascar girl tell in love with him and saved his life. They .were married.' Elliott then received n high office. At the first opportunity he escaped. His wife was not with him when he ar rived, -Ne w York Press. BUDGET OF FUN, H?310ROUS SKETCHES FROJI VARIOUS SOURCES. Her Stern Papa-Ho Was a Stayer A Novelty-The Latest Pluto crat-Wept Internally, Rashness, Etc. Thc children built a snow maa Down by the garden gute, But early in the morning (Sail story to relate) They found that dissolution Had b?on tho snow man's falo, 'Twas at tho breakfast table The children had their say. "We built our pretty snow man; Wo wanted him to stay. We left him there last evenincr; What made him run awayV" The maid of eighteen summers Looked wiso and shoot nor head. A snow man at the garden gate, Whence other mon had fled! "What made him run away?" they cried; "I guess 'twas pa!" sho said. -Brooklyn Lifo. HE WAS A STATER. HO-"Pm going to kiss you when I go She-"Do it now whilo I'm still young."-Town Topics. DEAD EAST. "How did Sharpton win that $50 of you, Chumpley?" "Bet mo he could show mo a sta tionary engine running." - Detroit Free Press. TUE LATEST PLUTOCRAT. "Boxley, why is it that you never assooiate with the Roberts anymore?" "Gracious, man! Roberts is only a plumber. I'm a bicycle repairer. " Detroit Freo Press. RASHNESS, "That man Flasher hus broken out again." "What a temper ho must have." "It isn't temper. It's buckwheat cakes."-Cleveland Plain Doaler. WEPT INTERNALLY. Uncle Fred-"What a good girl you were not to cry when you broke your dolly." Good Little Girl-"No, I didn't cry, but I'se just a3 damp inside."-Truth. CARRIED A SUPPLY. "Air! air!" gasped the dying man. The bravo girl heard him and hesi tated not a moment. Leaping from her wheel sho punctured both her tires with all possible haste.-Detroit Nows. A NOVELTY. "I believe you men think moro of your wheels than you do of your wives." "Whynot? Wo can get an im Record. CUT DEAD. "Scientists say that the secret of life is vibration." "Pooh ! I've had lots of peoplo give me the shake, but there wasn't 'any thing secrot about it."-Chicago liecord. TUE LAW OP AVERAGES. "Bidston averages up pretty well as a pleader at the bar." "Yes, that's the word exactly. He averages. When bis ideas get thick his arguments get thin,"-Indianapo lis Journal. THE LIQUID SCHOOL. "What doctor's treating you, Grumpy?" "Treating mc? Three of them como hero regularly and loot my sideboard every visit. I'm doing all tho treat in^."-Detroit Free Press. DIDX T BEGIN AT HOME. "They say he left all his property to charitable institutions?" "Well, that was only fair," "Do you think so?" "Yes, the institutions have got to support his family."-Detroit News. TIME RIPE. Bobbie-"Mother, wero all the bad men destroyed by tho flood?" Mother-"Yes, my son." Bobbie (who has just received a whipping from his fathor) - "When is there going to bo another flood?" Tit-Bits. TOO BUSY TO EAT. Hobbs (to friend in restaurant)-"I say, Nobbs, how's business?" Nobbs-"Great ; never saw such i rush. No time to sleep, and even be hind in meal.?. That was day before yesterday's lunch I just finished." Tit-Bits. NOT TO BE SEEN THROUGH. "Did you suy to me," remarked the youag mau, "that Miss Fluvvies very shallow and transparent?" "Yes," replied the girl who gossips. "Well, you did her au injustice. I had occasion to 6?t behind her at the theatre lust night, und 1 have positive information to the contrary."-Wash ington Star. j.ou;4H ox THE DAUGHTER. Fourth Floor Neighbor (apologeti cally)- "foes my baby annoy you when it t ries?" Fifth Floor Neighbor-"No, in deed. Ilik-oit." Fourth Floor Neighbor (pleased) "Oh! f m f-o glad." Fifth Floor Neighbor-"Yes; it drowns tho noiso j our daughter makes on thc piauo."-Puck. TUE LATTER OF THE LAW. Irish Justice-"Now, Mr. Johnsing, yez Bhwears that td' pris'nor kilt the game out av fceason?"' Colored Informer-"Idoes, sab." Irish Justice -"Tin dollars line, half fer th' inforuier." Prisoner-"Haven't auy money, Judge." Irish Justice - "Thin, begorra, 'tis six month's in jail, wid th' half to th' informer, accordin' to law."-Judge. THE KITHING PASSION. Tho young woman was very ill, and the attendant leaned over the bed. "Haveyon any friend to whom yon wish to send ?my Lae-sage?" ehe risked. Tho paticut nodded. ?'Yes; I havo a clear idead wboc-" "What shall 1 write to her?" askjd tho attendant. The patient shook hor head. "Nothing," ehe answered. "I had forgotten. She owes me a letter. "-. Tit-Bits. A MODEST DESTBE. Perry Patettic-"Kind lady, could you give a poor old man a old suit of clothes?" Kind Lady-"No." "Ermebbe a pair of pants that ain't workin?" "No." "Er a old vest?" "No old vest." "Mebbe you could hand me out a slice of pie?" "Mebbe I could, but I won't." "Kind lady, would it be askin' too much of you to ask you to gimme your moral support?"-Cincinnati Enquir er. Tho Indian Way of Driving. Commenting on the attempt made by the Government in 1867 to civilize the prairie Indians by supplying them with the garb and food of the white mdn, Colonel "Bob" Dodge, of Dodge City, says: "The authorities senk the Indians thousands of saoks of flour; pantaloons in abundance, and a big lot of Etiff-rimmed hats, bound around the edge with tin or German silver to hold the rim in shape. They also sent them a few light-running ambu lances. The savages, to show their appreciation of these magnanimous gifts from the 'Great Father,' threw the flour on the prairie in order to get tho sacks for breech clouts. They cut out the seats of the pantaloons, and they cut the crowns oft the hats md utied them as playthings, shying thom in the air, like a white boy does ? flat stone, to see them sail away. "The ambulances they woro proud at. The Government neglected to send any harness with them, so the indians manufactured their own. They did not understand anything ibout lines, and, instead, ?hey drove with a quirt, or short whip; when :he near horse would go too muoh 'gee,'they whipped up the off horse, ind when he would go too much haw,' they pounded away at the near ?orse again, and so vioe versa all the ;ime. This unique manner of driving :ept the poor animals in a dead ran nost of tho time. I remember taking i ride with Little Baven, Chief of the Arapahoes. At ?rst we started off rently, but hie ponies did not go itraight, so he kept tapping them, low the off horse, then the near, until inally he got them ou a rapid gallop, md I thought at one time my head vould surely pop up through the roof )f the ambulanoe. The country was rery level, fortunately, or I don't know vhat would have been the outcome." -Kansas City Journal. Exploring With Tia Cans. Cripta ur rr. H.-ar* ?w-j-,-^? oi_ centh Queen's Lancers, left England ome time ago for a journey across Chibet from west to east, says the jondon Times. He intends on the way o throw soldered-?p tins containing mrebment notices in English and drench into the tributaries of the [\sanpo and into the other large rivers vhieh ho may meet with, in the hope hat some of thom may be pioked up ar down stream, possibly in tho Brah naputra, Salween and Mekong, and hus Uolp to solve tho vexed problem )f the origin and connections of these .ivers. The notices will be consecutively lumbered, and the tins in which they viii be inclosed will have a brass label loldered on the outside, bearing the vords "Please open this" in English ind French, and Captain Deasy's name. Che parchment inside bears the request ?hat it bo forwarded without delay to ;he Boyal Geographical [Sooiety, Lon lon, with as accurate a statement as jossiblo as to where it was picked up. Captain Deasy is trying to render on mportant eervico to geographical cnowledge, and it is hoped that the )fficials, English and Fronoh, in the leighborhood of the rivers alluded to nay bo able to arrange for a lookout, io that the tins may be secured and ;he parchment delivered to tho proper paar ter._ Queer Calilornla Soil. The oil resources of California aro being carefully investigated by the Stato Mining Bureau, which looks for ? grsat development some day of the sil industry along the slopes of the 3oast range from San Francisco south* tvard almost to the Mexican border line The recent extensive explora tions made in the southern part of the 3tato by W. L. Watts, of the Mining Bureau, formed the subject of an in teresting popular lecture given last night before the Acedemy of Sciences. The discourse was made additionally entertaining by a stereopticon display of views of the oil wells, bitumin ous deposits and petr oleum-bearing regions visited by the lecturer. One of the views showed an asphal tum flow in which were stioks aud stones and bones of animals. Some times, the lecturer explained, cattle lie down in the usphaltum when it is warm; they never get up again. At other timos, on warm days, cows at tempt lo walk through the soft black stuff, but they stay in it until they are rescued or until they die.-San Fran cisco Call. A Frost-Time Flower. A curious plaut is that oddly named annual, the Cosmos, lt has a feathery, asparagus-liko foliage, and grows freely all tho season through, until the owner begins to think it will never stop and never bloom. And it does not-at least in Albany-till mid October and white frosts arrive, al though tho floral guidos speak of August and September flowering. Then, at an altitude of six to eight feet, it throws out a mass of buds which open from day to day, almost regardless of tho weather, but doing better in mild, suuny weather. The blossoms thus far Lavo been white and pink, of cup-shaped form, and while not very handsome, they till a gap in the flower world in their season. Wo picked the lirst bloom on October 5. Tho tallest one was eight feet from tho ground. A little pinching back earlier iu tho season will bo desirable. Some growers complain that their pluuts do not bloom at all before hard frosts arrive, and they have been compelled to pot them and let them bloom indoors-New York Observer, MOTHERS READ THIS. The Best Remedy. For Flatulent Colic, Diarrhoea, Dysen tery, Nausea, Coughs, Cholera In-1 fantum, Teething Children, Cholera ( Morbus, Unnatural Drains from, the Bowels, Fains, Griping, Loss of. Appetite, Indigestion and all Dis eases of the Stomach and Bowels.! PITTS CARMINATIVE . ?Is the standard. It carries children over' the critical period of teething, and( ls recommended by physicians as. the friend of Mothers, Adults and* Children. It fs pleasant to the taste, ( and never fails to gire satisfaction.. A few doses will demonstrate its su-' perlativc virtues. Price, 25 cts. pert A bottle. For sale by druggists. THE YOUNG FOLKS, A FAIRY'S WASH-DAY. A fairy washerwoman down in a dell Set her acorn-cup tubs under a drooping harebell. She washed her clothes-queer little dubs With the greatest of care in sea-foam for tiuds. To make them look as good as new, She rinsed them well in the fresh morn ing dew, And for indigo used a bit of blue sky; Then, on a cobweb for clothes-line, they were hung up to dry. A LAD'S MOTTO. ; A manly boy of fifteen entered the office of a London merchant and asked for em ployment He gave satisfactory answers to a few questions, and then the merchant inquired, "What is your motto?" '"Same as yours, sir," the boy replied; "just what you have on your door-Push." He was promptly engaged,. TREES TITAT FLOWERED IN TIIE WINTER. What would you think of trees that would bear Howers in the midst of wintert A grove of such trees ex'sted in the city of Paris, and during the recent Franco Uussian celebration in that city it blossom ed out in a way really maryelous to see.; But the blossoms were all of paper, and they were made by a clever manufacturer of artificial flowers. You see, the French! did not want to have their trees look cold1 and bare during the time that the Hus sians were visiting them. So they had a great many thousands of flowers of different kinds made and fastened to the lifeless branches. It was a most wonder ful and impressive sight, the trees having thc appearance o' being in full bloom. WnERE DEAD LETTERS GO. Just think of it-over 2?V000 letters are sent to the dead-letter office at Washing ton each day. They are from all sorts of people and from all parts of the world,' and in many cases they contain money or valuable papers. Twenty clerks are employed to open contain money, money orders, checks or any other article of value. If they do, every etfort is made to return them to tho sender. When a clerk finds money in a letter he immediately writes the amount, the date and his name on the back of the envelope, and it is then sent to another clerk, who studies the letter to find some elev by which the money may be re turned. Sometimes success crowns his efforts, and sometimes thc puzzle cannot be solved. The address on the envelope, the name of the examining derk, the amount of money and the date are re corded, and the money is put aside for two years. At the end of that time, if no inquiry has been made for it, it is seot to the United States Treasury, where the owner, by furnishing conclusive proof that it is Iiis property, may redeem it any lime within four years of thc day the Treasurer received it A LIFE-SAVING D03. How a mongrel, "good-for-nothing" dog, a cur of the streets, saved a man' life was lately recorded by the Louisville Courier Journal as part of the news of the day. Loui3 Carr was painting the rear of a vacant house in Louisville. As the noon hour approached he was at work at the very top of his ladder, just under the eaves. Being in haste to tinish his stint, and not wishing to spend time to go down and move the ladder, he stretched as far as possible to one side. Just then he felt the ladder slipping away from him, and as the only means of saving himself he dropped his brush and seized the gutter with both hands. Down went the ladder, and there the paiu?er hung, thirty feet from the ground. lie shouted for help, but no one heard him. no one but a small dog, which came round the corner in respanie of his cries. Evidently the dog took in the situation at once. He barked furiously, winding: up with a long howl. Then he ran out" of the yard and across the street to a poMee station. There he barked again, and then ran b.ick to thc yard. These manoeuvres he repeated two or three ?mei till the policeman began to see something was the matter, and followed him to the rear of the house. Then it was but the work of a moment to put up the ladder and rescue Mr. Carr, who was all but ready to drop from ex haustion. No owner could be found for tiie dog, and .Mr. Carr, of course, adopted him as his own._ The 1895 census of the German em pire reveals the same industrial ten dencies which are observable in the United States. Thus the number of women engaged In gainful occupations has come to equal about 20 per cent, of the total female population, where in 1SS2 it was only 18.4 per cent. A small er proportion of the female population was engaged as domestic servants in 1S95 than in 1882. The number of the population engaged in agriculture has fallen from 50 per cent, of total work ing population in 1882 to 43 per cent, in 1895. This represents an even larger decline in agriculture than has taken place in the United Suites, where now about 47 per cent, of th 2 population en gaged in gainful occupations are fann ers, against about 50 per cent.. In 1880. IKE'S MIslN t'EKl'KKTATIOX. Tourist-No doulit tlie stranger whe called you a liar was badly perturbed when you fired at Lim? Alknli Ike (who has been telliug a rc miuiscence- Wal, yes; but he was well enough to git out of bed an' leave th? county in about two weeks. ? Quick-Firing Gun. The introduction of the new quick firing artillery in the French army will cost $50,000,000. The new Canet gun delivers five 110-pound sheila at a range of four aad a half milos ta one miaute,