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An Independent Paper Devoted to tlie Interests of* the People. NUMBER 24. THE EARLY BIRD. Daintily ovor tbo dow-wct grass "Tripped blue-eyed Mllly, tho farmer's lass, Swinging hor mllknall to aud fro, As she-murmured n lovo-soug, soft and low. Many a suitor Mllly had, From tho ?qulre's son to the hordman s lad; But she smiled on all with a merry glanco And gavo each wooer an equal chance. Now faithful Donald, tho herdsman's lad, Tile mpro ho lovod her tho moro was sad; "For what with tho equlroVson,'* thought he, 44 8ho nefor Will turn a thought to mo 1" , But down in the meadow ho raked tho hay, When Mllly wout singing along that way. no watched her pas*, and sho cried, in .]<??t: "4 Tis tho early bird '?you know the rest I" Then suddenly Donuld grow so bold That tho 14 old. old story " was quickly told; And bln?--oyed Mllly wno notbiug loth On that summer's mnrn ng to plight her troth, ?* Oh ! foolish Donald 1" sho criod, in gloe, 14 To wait so long for n hint trom mo !" Thon morrily over tho dow wot grass ?a ripped Donald and Mllly, his own sweet lass. THE BOARD FENCE. " Shoo, shoo, got homo, yo.i plaguy critters ! " cried Mr. Babcook, waving his arms ns he ohased a dozen sheep and lambs through a gap in the fence. It wns a wooden fenco, and when he i had sucoeed iii driving the animals- the other side of it, he lifted it from its re olining position, and propped it up with stakes. This was an operation he had found himself obliged to repeat many times in tho oourso of the season, and not only of that season, but of several previous seasons. Yet Mr. Babcock was neither slack nor thriftless ; in fact, he rather prided himself on tho orderly appoaranco of his farm, nnd not without reason. How then shall wo account for his negli gence in this particular instance ? The truth was that this fence formed the boundary lino between his estate aud that of Mr. Small; and three genera tions of mou who ownod theso estates had been unable to decide to whom it belonged to rebuild aud keep it in re pair. If the owners had chanced to be men of pcnceablo dispositions, they had compromised tho matter aud avoided a quarrel ; but if, on the contrary, they belonged to that much larger class who would sooner sncrifice their own com fort and convenience than their so-called rights, this fenco had been a source of unending bickerings and strife. Aud of this class were the present ? rWners. Again and again they had consulted thoir respective lawyers on tilt subject, and dragged from their hiding-places musty old deeds and re co/rds, but always with the same result. Jp"I say it bolougs to you to keep it in wrepair ; that's as plain as a pike staff," r__HabaQck woH-U-aay-.-^?.? " And I says it belong to you,?any fool might see that," Mr. Small would reply, nnd then high words wonld fol low, and thoy would part in anger, more determined nnd obstinate than before. The lawyer's fees and tho loss by dam ages from each others' cattle had al ready amounted to a sum sufficient to havo built a fenco round thoir eutire estates, but what was that compared to tho satisfaction of having their own wav? There was not wauting in the neigh-1 borhood poaco-makers who would gladly havo Bettled tue affair by arbitration ; but to this neither of tho belligorents would listen for a moment. At last, ono day, Miss Letitia Gill, a woman much respected in tho village, nnd of some weight as a land-owner nnd tax-payer, sent for Mr. Bibcock to come and soe her on business; a summons which ho mado haste to oboy, as how could he do otherwise where a lady was concerned. Miss Letitia sat at her window sow ing up a seam, but bIio dropped her work and took off hor spectacles whon Mr. Babcock made his appearance. " So you got my message ; thank you for coming, I'm sure. Sit down, do. T snpposo my man Isaac, told you I wanted to consult you on a matter of business,?a matter of oquity, I may say. It can't bo expected that wc women folks should be the best judges about such things, you know ; there's Isaac, to bo sure, but then ho lives on the place, and maybo ho wouldn't bo cxaotlv impartial in his judgment about our nffairs." '?Jes' so," said Mr. Bibcock. " Well, tho stato of tho caso is this : When Iflaao camo no from tho long meadow to dinner,?they're mowing tho meadow to-day, and nn uncommonly good yield there is.?whon he camo up to dinner, ho found that certain stray cows hod btoken into tho vegotablo garden." "Ho did, hey?" " Yon can fancy the riot thoy made, I I declare, Isnoo was almost ready to uso profano language. I'm not sure that he didn't say ' douce,' nnd I'm not cortnin he did say 'darn;' and after all, I 'couldn't feel to reproach him very soverely, for tho pains he has toko'n with that garden is something amazing; working in it, Mr. Babcook, onrly and Into, woeding nnd digging, nnd water ing, nnd now to son it all torn and trampled so that you wouldn't know which was beets and which was cuenm bnrs, it's euongh to ronso nnybody's tempor. " It is so," snid Mr. Babcook. " And that isn't all, for by the looks of thing* thoy must have been rampag ing a full hour in tho orchard nnd clo ver-field before they hnd got into tho garden. Just you eomo and ?eo :" and puttiner on her sun-bonnet, Miss Lotitifl showed Mr. Babcook ovor tho damnged prooinct. "You don't hr.ppe.n to know Mince animals did tho mischief?" anid Mr. Baboook. " Well. T didn't ob^erva them in par ticular, but Isaao snid there was ono w.Uh nparticular white mark; some thine like a cross on her hnunoh." "Why, that's Small's old Brindle." cried Mr. Babcock. " I know the mnrk ai well as I know the nose on my face. Sho had balls on her horns, didn't she ?"' " Yes, so Isaao said." " And a kind of hump on her baok ?" "A perfect dromedary," said Miss Letitia. " I noticed that myself." " They wero Small's cows,?no doubt abont it at all," said Mr. 13 ab cock, rub bing his handB. " No shosp with them; hey ?" " "Well, now I think of- it, there wero shcop?thoy ran away as soon as they saw Isaao." Yes, certainly there were sheep," said Misb Letitia. f* I know it,?they always go with the cows; and what you wish of me?'J "Is to fix the damages," said Miss Letitia. "As I said before, women folks are no judges about suoh matters." Mr. Baboook meditated a moment, and then soil : ""Well, I wouldn't take a cent lesB than seventy-five dollars, if I were yon, ?not a o?nt." " Seventy-five dollars 1 Isn't that a good deal, Mr. Babooes: ? You know I don't wish to be hard on the poor man ; all I want in a fair compensation for the mischief done." "Seventy-five dollars is fair, ma'am, ?in faot, I may say it's low ; I wouldn't have a herd of cattle and sheep tramp ing through mypremises in that way for a hundred." " There's one thing I forgot to state, ?tho orchard gate was open or they couldn't havo got in ; that may make a difference." "Not a bit,?not a bit. You'd a right to have -your gate opon, but Small's cows had" no right to run loose. I hope Isaao drove 'em all to the pound, didn'c he?" " I heard him say he'd shut 'em up somewhere, and didn't mean to let 'em out till the owner calls for 'em. But, Mr. Baboock, ?svbat if ho should refuse to pay the damages ? I should hate to go to lnw about it." " He won't refuse ; if ho does, keep the critters till ho will pay. As to law, I guess he's had about enough of that." *? I'm sure I thank you for your ad vice," said Miss Letitia, " and I mean to act upon it to the very letter." And Mr. Baboook took his leavo with a very happy expression of countenance. Scarcely was he out of sight when Miss Letitia sent a summons for Mr. Small, whioh he obeyed as promptly as Ihn neighbor had dono. . Sho made to him preoisely tho same statement she had made to Mr. Bab oock, showed him tho injured property, It ?\ as romarkablo that beforo ho did thip, ho should ask the same question Mr. Babcock had asked, namely, whether she had any suspicion to whom tho animals belonged. " Well, ono of them I observed had a terribly crooked horn." " Preoisely?it's B.iboook's heifer. I should know her among a thousand. She was blook and whito, wasn't sho?" " Well, now I think of it, she was; ono seldom sees so olenr a blaok and whito on a cow." "To bo sure, they're Babcook's aui mals fast enough. Woll, let me see? whnt you want is just about a fair esti mate. I suppose ?" " Certainly." " Well, I should sny ninety dollars was as low as ho ought to bo allowed to get oft* with." " O, but I fear that will seem as if I meant to take advantage. Snpposo we call it?say seventy fivo?" "Just as you piesse, of eourso ; but hanged if I'd lot him off for less than a hundred, if 'twas my case." "And if ho refuses to pay?" " Why, keep his animals till ho comes round, that's all." " But there's ono thing I noglocted to mention : our gate was standing open ; that may alter tho case." "Not at all,?there's no law against your keeping yonr gato opon ; there iB against stray animalp." " Very well,?thank you for yonr ad vico," said Miss Letitia ; aud Mr. Small departed with as smiling a countenance as Mr. Baboook had worn. B it at milking timo that night he mado a 3trango discovery?old Brindle was missing 1 At about tho samo hour Mr. Baboock made a similar discovery?tho blaok and whito heifor was nowhere to be found ! A horrible nuspicion seized them both,?a .suspicion whioh thoy would not havo mado know to oaoh other for the world. They waited till it was dark, and then Mr. Baboook stolo round to Miss Lf?titia's, and meekly asked leavo to look at tho animals which had commit ted the trespass. Ho wonld have done it without asking leave, only that thrifty Miss Letitia always looked hor barn doors at night. While ho stood looking over into tho pon whoro tho co.vs wero confined, and trying to negotinto with Miss "Letitia for" tho rolonso of tho hnifor, along oimo Mr. Small, in quost of Brindlo. Tho two mon stared at each other for an instant in blank dismay, and then hung thnir heads in coufusion. It was useless to assort that tho dam ages wero too high, for had thoy not fixed them themselves? It was useless to plead that Miss Letitia wan in a manner responsible for whnt had happonod, on account of the opon gate, for had they not assured hor thai oircumstance did not affect the ense ? It was useless to sny that nho had no right to keep the cows in custody, for had they not coun selled hor to do so? As to going to law about it, wonld they not thus beoomo the sprtrfc of the whole town? " 'Ho that diggeth a pit. ho himself shall full into it,' " said Miss Letitia. who rend what was passing in their minds as well as if thoy had spokon, or the light of Isaac's lantern fell full on their faces. " However, I don't wish to be hard upon yon, and on one condi tion I will free the cows and forgive you tho debt." " What is that?" Both looked the question, but did not ask it. " The condition is that you promise to put a good new fenco in place of the old one that separates your estates, di viding the costs between you, and that henceforth you will live peaceably to gether as far as in you lies. Do you promise ?" "Yes," muttered both, in a voice soaroely audible. "Shake hands upon it, then," said Miss Letitia. They did so. "Now let the cows out, Isaac; it's time they wero milked," said (die. And the two men went away driving thoir animals before them, with a shame-faced air greatly in contrast to the look of triumph with whioh they had last quit ted her presence. The fenos was built, and the strife ceased when the cause was removed but it was long before Minn Letitia's part of the affair came to the public ear; for she herself maintained a strict silence concerning it, and enjoined the same upon her man-servant Inane. Mules ana Women. Somo unknown party writes me as follows: " Mr. M quad pleas advise me in your next oolnm whnt to do with a kicking mual?Shell i pound him or not "my wife is allso treoherons as tho mual i believe hor tongue is hung on the middle and flies at both ends "L. L. P." No, sir, don't pound your mule. I know it is customary for owners of mules to commence on tho animal at sunrise with a crowbar and pound him until bedtime, but I have always found kindness more successful. Seek to gain the friendship of your mnlo, and as soon as you succeed you can do any thing with him. When you go into tho barn in tho morning, have a kind word for him, instead of knocking him down with the neck-yoke. Ask alter tho health of his family?show him that you are interested in his welfare?be civil and yet dignified, and as soon as that mule finds out that some ono in this cold world loves him ho will be a different mule. All mnlos kick, my donr sir, just as all men love to hold a fat offioo, but* there's, a-^fimeds??o*-?*-;- ?afcar? n\A stove boiler, fill it with bricks, and hang it by a rope so that it will jnBt swing against the animal's heels. Every-time ho kicks it will fly back, like the pen dulum of a clock, and tho patience of tho most enduring mule will, in time, wear out. I tried this once, and the mule kicked twenty-four days and nights before ho surrendered, but after that you might tun a steamboat on his heels, and he wouldn't raise a hoof. Feed your mnle well. I know of farmers who t irow a keg of nails or an old sap-pan into the manger, and ex pect a mule to grow fat on such forage, but it embitters their feelings and makes 'em moro sot in thoir ways. Of course I don't say that you must feed a mule on fried eggs, currant jelly, raisin cake, and the like of that, but don't expect ho can ft od on rails and feel en thusiastic all the time. About your wife. Don't try to stop her from talking unless you want to kill her. It's natural for a woman to talk, sir. My first wife usod to nearly kill mo, but I now romombor with strict grief how I deliberately planned her ; death. I bet $10 that she couldn't I keep right on talking foi three weeks, \ and sho commenced. I had to go away from home, but sho was a woman that wouldn't lie, nnd I trusted to her honor. I returned homo at tho end of three weeks. T?oro was no one aronud the house, hut on a chair where I I eft my dear wifo sitting, wns a corset, a dress, a dozen buttons and a back-comb?the last sad relicts of my loving partner. She had talked hersolf to death, and as I began to weep tho o irsot spoke up i and said : "Como down with that little ton dol lars, if you ploaso." M. Quad. A Popular Comet. The World has received information that the comet is very popular among i young lovers, aud they never tiro of tho heavenly hunt, but enduro with aston ishing resignation tho constantly recur ring collisions consequent upon the sud den movements of their hends in oppo site dirotcions. Now nnd then the young fellow is snro he sees it, nnd then in tho exeitement of tho moment he passes his arm about his companion's neck, and with his hand uudor her chin raifios her face toward that of tho starry firmament wh to he thinks ho has dis covered tho oalostial wanderer. Full of enthusiasm tho girl remains gazing in this position long nnd earnestly, tho silver moonlight illuminating her ooun ?tenanco with a rodianoo that gives to every feature an angelic charm, and suggesting the idea that, she herself might be a beautiful star, moulded into human form and sent upon 'he earth for the deleotation of mankind. But at this interesting point of tho searoh tho voice of a sleopy and unromantio father pon etrates tho shadows of the garden? "Ja a-a-no! it is ten o'clook," and tho charm is brokon. - ." Sad thine to lone your wife," aaid a frieud to a Vormontor who > tood at the gravo of his wifo. " Well, tolera* bly sad," replied the mourner, "but then, her clothes just fit. my oldest girl." ? \ sonsitivo girl has brokon off tho match because he said she had a foot liko a raisin-box. The Heiouants of the Future. A German statistician has lately given a tabular view.of the commercial move ment of the world as shown in the ex port and import trade of nations. . In some regions, as in Africa, it is difficult to make an estimate; but what is equal ly striking is the fact that while old oommoroial countries maintain their trade, now ones are dawning, as it were, into the. activity of commercial day. On looking at the trade figures of half civil i zed conn tries, we see in them the great key to the commerce of the f utnre. The trade of some countries does not always grow in proportion to the supe rior intelligence and commercial spirit of their people, but oftener according as its natural productions are in de mand by other people. This influences the export trade alone. The imports depend more on, first, the available ex portable matter, and secondly the nec essities of the people,.or rather on their appreciation of the wants of civilized life. Biit here again calculations are often at fault, for it is not the people upon whom most dependence is placed that always turn out' the boat custom ers. E von in two peoples like the Chi ne so and Japanese there is a great dif ference of willingness,; to avail them selves of the result of progress. Sooial habits and ethnological ? considerations both enter as factors. The surprising developments of such countries as Egypt show us the probable impetus which will mark the trade of what may bo called undeveloped commercial re gions of,the world. It is thiB very faot that will preserve such manufacturing countries as Eng land from decline. Trade is only be ginning with some lands, and their in habitants are but jnst becoming ac quainted with tho products of civiliza tion. Till such time as these new coun tries themselves begin to manufacture, they will doubtless bo customers of Great Britain, France, Germany and sell cheapest. In the meantime, how ever, there is little doubt that when onoe the barriors which separate China from the rest of the world are brokeu down, it will enter in the markets with all the advantages which its immense and skillful population will give it. In different kinds of manufactures it is more than probable It will completely travelers through China liavo not only been nifiazod at the progress tho Chinese are making, but are filled with appre hen8ion>i*-r.hn nerspeotive. Another revolution in tue importing and exporting business is preparing, which may involve a complete transfor mation in banking and exchange. When the commercial relations of two coun tries aro snffioiently regulated, ex changes will be mado in prodnots, and balances will be paid in orders on other countries, which will also represent bo much valuo in merchandise;. Tho reg ulating pow r will not bo gold, or gold alone, but what coin can only repre sent?the commodities. These com modities will bo symbolized on paper, and the use of metallio ourrency, in consequence, will be proportionately diminished. Transactions will be made on samples, and the merchants of the fntnre will be speculators in products, as our brokers are in railway shares. The spirit of tho ago is speculative, and tho tendency beyond question. What changes commerco may undergo, it is difficult to determine, but it would seem to gravi tato to an exoited but peaceful contest with tho world for its field of operation.?New York Com mercial Bulletin. Tho Bamboo Troo. Probably this tree subBerves moro purposes of usefulness than anv other in the whole range of nature. The In dian obtains from it a part of his food, many of his household utensils, and a wood at once lighter and capable of bearing greater strains than heavier timber of the same size. Besides, in expeditions in the tropics under the rays of a vortical r,r.n, bamboo trunks have more than once been used as bar rels, in which water much pnrer than could be preserved in vessels of any other kind, iB fresh for the crew. On the western coast of Southern Asia, the bamboo furnishes all the materials for the construction of honses, at once pleasant, substantial and preferable to stone, which the frequently r*ourring earthquakes brine: down upon the heads of tho owners. The faot that the bam boo is hollow has made it eminently useful for a variety of pnrnoses?it sorvos as a measure for liquid?, and if fitted with a lid and a bottom, trunks and barrels a?e quite frequently mado of it. Even small boats very often ore mado of tho largest trunks, by strength ening them with strips of other wood where needed. In ono day they ob tain tho height of several feet, and with the aid of a mioroscopo their develop ment can bo easily watched. Bnt tho most remarkable feature about the bam boo is their blossoming. With all this rapidity of growth they bloom only twice in n century, the flower appearing at tho end of fifty years. Like other glasses, they die after having borne sepd. The highest of the bamboo is tho Sammot. In traots where it grows in the greatest perfection, it sometimes rises to tho height of one hundred feet, with a stem only eighteen inches in diameter at the base. Tho wood itself is only an inch in thickness. ?A Shroveport editor, being asked wether Byron wrote a certain line, re plied that ho could not say that Byron wrote it, as ho did not neo him write it, bnt tho line was to bo found in ono of Byron's poems. Evidently something had happened to tench that editor cau tion articles as each can Tho Fate of Old Women Among tbo Colorado River Indians. The life of an Indian maiden is blithe and merry for a few years, bnt when she becomes a wife she is soon broken down with the pains of motherhood and the heavy labors which fall to her lot, and she soon becomes wrinkled, garru lous, cross, scolding, in fact an old hag. Of courso such hags aro not pleasant company in camp, and in the belief of the Numa snch old hags grow ngiier and meaner until they dry up and whirlwinds carry them away, when they are transformed into witches ; and lest such a fate should befall old women, they are taught that it is their duty to die when they are no longer needed, and if they do not die by natural means in reasonable time, they must oommit suioide. This they seem very willing to do rather than to meet that terrible fate of being transformed into witches and being compelled to live in snake skins, and wriggle about among the rocks, their only delight being to repeat the words of passers-by in mockery. I once saw three old women thus voluntarily starving themselves. I rode up to what was almost a deserted camp, the three old women only remaining, sitting by the fire and intently gazing into the embers. Thoy seemed to heed not my approach, but sat there numbling and groaning until they rose, each dragging up her weight with a staff, and then they joined in sidewise, shuffling, tot tering, senile dance around the fire, propped up by their staffs, and singing a doleful song. Having finished which, they sat again on their heels and gazed into the fire, and I rodo away. On com ing to the - new oamp of the tribo the next day, and inquiring of Ghui-at-au um-peak, their chief, why these women wero left behind and what they were doing, I was informed they had deter mined to oommit suioide, fearing lest they should be transformed into witches. The " Scalpers" and their Trade. - A now and thrifty trade seems to have lately sprung up in various parts of the country in the shape of selling railroad tickets at second-hand. | It is said that there are now some forty offices in this country where tickets ovor any road, leading from the city in whioh the office is located, may be bought at rates lower than the company's. No partiality is shown. This is now it works, tickets of every road being on hand : A person in New York wishing to go to Cincinnati can buy a ticket for $20. Because of nn mil of i f inn. 'a ?.: .^Ir nt. iravni "NTntn Y^vlr tr> Chicago, via Cincinnati, can be had for $22. The fare from Cincinnati to Chi? cago is $9. Suppose the Chicago tioket is purchased, the holder of it is not com pelled to visit Chicago. On reaching Cincinnati he stops. He has paid out $2 more than he need to have done, but he has in possession a ticket whioh at any time will take him to Chicago, and whioh is thus equivalent- to $9. An office in Cincinnati will pay him $7 for tnis tioket, and await a purohaser as $8. Again : Tickets are often purchased at the offices of railroad companies, whioh, for unseen reasons, are not used, and these come in to swell the business of the brokers' offices._ * A Newspaper trom the Ark. Mount Ararat has been encroached upon by jonrnalistio enterprise, and a newspaper, Whiffs from Ararat, has boon established by the American pil grims at the very foot of the mountain. This paper contains somo carious and interesting local topics, quotes the price of giris as wives in the Armenian villages, varying from ?2 to ?10, and discusses the peasant notion that tho world rests on a large ox, whioh, being irritated by a fly, tosses its head and thus causes earthquakes, and the belief of the natives in the neighborhood of the mount that impassable barriers sur round Ararat to prevent its being dese crated by mortal feet, while angels keep guard on tho summit lest one piece of the indestruotible wood of the ark should bo borne away. Cape Coast Bulls. The most curious relic of tho Ashnn teo campaign brought home by the new ly-returned troops is a Capo Coast bull, a perfect kitten of the species. Ho is described as not so tall as an umbrella, and, judging from his build and activi ty, might be as safely trusted to peram bulate the fragilo groves of a crcokrrv warehouse as the most dooile dog. He wan allowed to be loose on the deck, and was the pet and plaything of tbo crow, who teased him until he ran nt and butted them as the goat does. Twelve of these animals were shipped as fresh food on the voyage, and some idea may be formed of this representa tive Lilliputian "live beef," when it is stated that of the eleven that wore killod not one exceeded forty-seven pounds in weight as a dressed carcass. The Cradle of our Fashions. Tho word " milliner" is derived from tho name of "Milan." Millinery for somo centuries was synonymous with fine dress-goods of Milan manufacture. It is still the most fashionable city in j Italy, and is tho center of its silk busi ness. From 1505 till 1859, Milan and Iiombardy were ruled over and plun dered, first by the Spaniards, next by the Auatrians, then for a time by the Fronoh, and after them again by the Austrians, until liberated by tho ba'tle of Magenta, which restored it to the Italians. The wealth nnd beauty of the city, and tho wonderful fertility of tho surrounding country, havo always rendered it an object of onpidity and longing desire to foroign powers. Tnn voung lady who mistook a bo tie of mucilage for hair oil has been too 'stuok up" to go to any parties sinco. FAOTS AND FANCIES. ?A Boston man boldly declares that if he couldn't get out of Philadelphia any other way he would cheerfully crawl into a mortar and be shot out of it. ?" I wonder if it's eea-siokness that makes sailors always a heaving up an chors 1" exclaimed Aunt Hepzibah, as she looked then ghtfally up from her morning paper. ?A dead body found in the Missis sippi is feelingly alluded to in the local columns of tho St. Liouis press as " an other floater found." ?A little -boy of our acquaintance a few days ago, after attentively watch ing a couple of industriously inclined bngs, remarked that even the bugs had got to playing marbles. ?"Now, Sammv, tell me, have you read the story of Joseph ?" " Oh, yes, uncle." " Well, then, what wrong did they do when they Bold their brother ?" "They sold him too cheap, I think." t?A peddler calling on an old lady to dispose of some goods inquired of her if Bhe could tell him of any road on which no peddler had traveled. "Yes." replied she, " 1 know of one, and that's the road to heaven." ?Out of one hundred and eighty-two boys in the Connecticut reform school, the superintendent reports that one hun dred and eighty are liars. Tho proposal now is to educate the entire; lot of 'em for the profeBBion of the law.' ?An elderly clergyman of Chicago, when asked the other day why he had never married, replied that he had spent Ids lifetime in looking for a woman who would refrain from working him a pair of slippers, and he had never found her. ?Walt Whitman's odo to tho St. Louis bridgo : Lo! a bridgo at St. Louis! Strotched from tho brings of multiplicatod boor kegs, Alroady overpassed by foot that cotiM no', bo excelled in Chicago (which ho was an olophan?). Star-joyed with tho multitudinous expecta tions of tho whereas and wherefore For it Btring serpent huod myriads And lightning girded monstrosities of all kinds. Down through tho anti-spaBmodio whirls of catalepsies. Dumfounding, bamboozling all, oven tho Here after, In an unmitigated oxtonsion of Iho cuhmna . tion of Cunduraugo. ?A La Crosse editor has a now pair of pants with a pistol"pocket, and he wants to know what to do with that pocket. He is afraid of a pistol, tho rororjuuu,mouHHm^mttm ' mtmnnfifr.- niifl^Btg~r hankerchief is also used as a coat sleeve. ?Joseph Arch proposes to bring over 71,000 English laborers and let them know what liberty is, but Joseph had better make arrangements .for their bread and butter before thoy^land. Three square miles of -freedom won't go as far as a eandwioh to a hungry man.? Detroit Free Press. ?A person wants to be careful, of course, but where in tho crown of one's hat can ono find room for a Blip contain ing directions for the treatment of a drowning man, a oompendium ot rules for .avoiding hydrophobia, a tiring of re medies for sunstr- ke, and ono's fire alarm card ? Nobody bnt a paper hangor could do the job well. ?An Illinois paper says : " Mr. A. W. Sheltan came into this office the other day with one side of his face bal ly swollen and one eye'greatly inflamed, . caused, as he says, by tho poison of a potato bug. He struck a bng with a piece of lath, and some of tho "juice" struck his faco near his eyelid. Two physicians attending him consider tho bug much more powerful as a blistering agent than Spanish flies. ?A Burlington, Iowa, board of trade man got into trouble by letting his busi ness weigh too heavily on his mind tho other night. His wife heard him mur mur in his Bleep, " Ella, dear Ella," fondly and tenderly, and bb her name is Mehitable, she woke him with tho bald end of the hair brush, and asked him; "Who?" "I was thinking of Ella Vator," the wretched man said calmly, and chuckled Off to nleep again. ?A young man, who had spent a lit tle of his own time and a great deal of his father's monoy in fitting for the bar, was asked, atter his examination, how he got along. "Oh, well enough.',' said he; "I answered one question right." "Ah, indeed!" said the old gentleman, with looks of paternal satis faction at his son's peculiar smartness ; "and what was it?" "They asked mo what a qui turn action was." "That was a hard ono, and you answered it correotly, did yju?" "Yea; I told them I did not know." ?On a ornise the sailors saw a comet and wore somewhat surprised and alarmed at its appearance. Tho hands met and appointed a committeo to wait on the commander and ask his opinion of it. They approached him and said ; " We want to ask your opinion, your honor." "Well, my boys, what is it about?" "Wo want to inqniro about that thing up thore." " Now, before I answer you, first let me know what you think it is I" " Well, your honor, wo have talked it all. over, and we think it is a star sprung a leak." ?"It is an exploded theory," says ono who speaks with knowledge, " that womon dress to ploaso tho men. They dress to ploaso or spite each other. Any girl of sense and experience knows that i? in as eapy to break a man's heart, in a 82 mufilin, neatly mado. up, as it is in a 8500 silk costume made by a mau-dress maker," It is, in fact,' a great deal easior. Tho natural oharm of a young girl in often destroyed by excessive dressing. Men liko 'tasteful and not extravagant toilets; and the rivalry in dress among women is not to catoh a beau, but to mortify an enemy.