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- PAGE FOURTEEN THE PRESS AND STANDARD Wednesday, December 13. r % a um XMAS GIFTS i Parasols, Handkerchiefs Gloves, Ties, Etc. Our of is* compli (<• and (H«‘ l»rs( th** mark**l aflordH. Let us : liou'then) (W yiwi, and lie!p you : fit i i a Xmas pift (hat "ill l>o suit* to please. WE COMPLETE Adulterations ChristmasDinner A O YOUR TOILET , £ ' . \ - / # i ( . FROM HATS TO SHOES / \ • y >y<. . Men’s Furnishings Not Only Something For Every Man, But Everything for Any Man. If you are a man and wear eiothinjr-a> all men must—"i* Haxe the kikkIs t*> please you. You will Lh> surprised and delighted by tin* bewihlerinK arrav <>f all / / /" • * . ;-^y / \ i j V kiu«h< of Men’s Furnishings to he found in our -torv. Any article at any price to fit any i>oekeU>ook. COME TO US FOR ALL OF YOUR CLOTHING* NEEDS Herndon Clothing Store C. H. HERNDON. Prop.. Successor to J. P. Herndon & Son ✓ • * WE FIT FROM HEAD TO FOOT S AY! did you ever get reckless and give a Christmas dinner to an assorted collection of petri fied relations? Take it from me. dodging benzine buggies on the boulevard Is sleepy work in comparison. Friend wife concluded It was up to us to squeeze a few uncles and aunts into our 4 by 4 dining room and throw turkey wings at them, so I coaxed my nervous system to behave and told Peaches to cut loose. She sat down and invited Uncle Pe ter Grant and Aunt Martha, Uncle Gregory Smith ami Aunt Bessie. Then she went ' In, took another look at the dining room and stopped. I Invited Bud Hawley, his wife Sybil, and Hep Hardy, and explained to them that we would all have to sit edge-on at the table and get our meat cut in the kitchen, so ns to avoid hitting each other on the funny bone, and It was so ordered. . * Hep arrived early. He always does. He generally haeezes In with the In formation that four pages of tango music are waiting for him in some hoof palaiV, and he has to hurry away, hut on ibis occasion he concluded to see the fight to a finish. Then the other members of our din ner party began arriving and the mod revel was on. ^ I’ncle Peter brought n friend—the famous food expert, Poctor'Smother- Joy. The doctor is a high card with Uncle Peter, _, He is one of those old ginks with beady eyes and a license to hunt for germs, and everything he eats lias first to give the countersign and then go through a written examination. Uncle Peter believes every word that leaves Ib*c Smother joy's face, but for my part I think he's an old Uum- embert. At any rate, no sooner were we seat ed at the table than Poc parted his whiskers carefully, coughed to attract attention, then picked up a little-neck clatn on the end of his fork and pro ceeds! to give it the third degree. “The adulteration of foodstuffs these days is helftfCjCurried on to an extent worse than criminal,” the old bluff be gan solemnly. "Ah, even here I se£ truces of saUf-sllllc acid with horax- phosphos even here on this clam." "Put a little tabascos on it and cut Ipose," suggested Bud Hawley. "Have a lemon." said Hep. "Squeeze it over the clams and make a wish." Uncle Peter listened with marked at tention. while Uncle Gregory glanced at his clams amt shuddered. The doctor ate his unconcernedly, "’hen the soup came on the Poc lift.si a spoonful thoughtfully, then sloshed It slowly back iuto his plate, while the two unkies eyed him ner vously. "It's bullyon.” whispered Uncle Pe ter. anxious to prove the soup's in- n«*cence. “Here,” said the doctor, examining his spoonful critically, "here are traces of hydrophosphates and about ten per cent philharmonic add." •J never eat soup," gurgled Uncle Greg, "because it's a waste of good space." The doctor said nothing more, but quietly surrounded his soup. When the fish was served the doc tor danced over his plate with his fork and said. “Hydrostatic acid with here and there symptoms of manganese germs and a few sulphide microhea." Uncle Gregory pushed his plate back with a sigh that was pitiful to hear. Peaches was now so nervous that her hands were doing a shaker dust, and there was a big pink spot on each cheek. The others at the table, with the exception of nervous old Uncle Greg ory. paid not the slightest attention to IWtor Busyfaoe. Even Uncle Peter threw away his germ fear after the clam episode, and took a long chance with everything from soup to nuts. Neyf wv had some turkey with in^<b*sl jM.tatoes, green peas and When Uncle Gregory s$w all this his face broke out in a smile, and we could see Ids appetite roll up Its sleeves. ' , "In this," the doctor began again, bolding up a turkey wing on l\Js fork, “in this we have a cold-storage* tur key which has been treated with ox alic acid and chloride of potassium to keegjt in a shivering state.” "Pardon me, doctor,” - exclaimed Peaches Indignantly, "but it isn't a cold-storage turkey, because it w’as sent me as a present by some friends on Long Island only this morning.” “Possibly,” went on Caterpillar Charlie, “possibly my hurried diagnosis was at fault, but we can never be sure about these things, because here, on the elbow of the wing, I find traces of calisthcuic acid over the membranes." “Xo, thank you," said Uncle Greg ory, “1 never eat turkey, it gives me the heartburn.” And the poor old guy struck such a note of hunger that 1 wanted to throw that doctor out of the window. By this time several others at the table were becoming njore of less im pressed, and the dinner party was be ginning to assume the cheerful as pect of a meeting of martyrs an hour 1 before the arena opened. “Please pass me some mashed po tatoes," whispered Uncle Gregory after the pangs of hunger had beaten him to the ropes. “Here we find,” croaked the doc tor, raising a forkful of mashed po tatoes, “here we find one of the most evil effects of food adulteration. This potato was grown In the fall of the year 188U, but it has been washed in alum water to give It the appearance of being moderh, while its eyes have been treated with belladonna to make them bright and snappy." Uncle (Jregory groaned pathetically, and the rest of us. out of politeness, tried to look interested, but only suc ceeded in looking seasick. When the icecream and cake were brought on Doctor Sniotberjoy drove: his sjHs.n down deep Into the choco late and vanilla mixed and said, “Here Is a pitiful illustration of whnt dishonest tradesmen will do for money. Here we fipd that some of this ice cream was pale originally, but ft was treated with aniline dye to give it this chocolate effect, and then baked ia the sun to deceive the eye. On the other hand, we find this va nilla was originally dark and forbid ding, but it has been treatisl with per oxide of hydrogen to make it more of a blonde.” "Pardon me, doctor,’ snapped Peaches, her tooth ehattering with-ner- vonsness. “but thi< ice cream was made in our kitchen by our own cook, / ^>1 “The Next Time You Give a Dinner Party Cut Out That Bug Doctor.” with flrst-clnss cream, and we never have any but homemade Ice cream, so there!” “Ah." said the doctor, “then In that case it must be traces of thanatopsls which I see, and the evidence is con clusive that a great deal of artificial frappe has been used, nevertheless.” "No, thank you," said Uncle Greg- ory. "I never eilt Ice cream because It goes to my head and makes me cold to my friends." “Take this coffee, for Instance," chortled the doctor. Juggling a *t»oon- ful with the left hand and four lumps of sugar with the right. "tferein you will find copper salts. Iodide of chicory, a four per cent solution of gladiolus, together with about a six teenth of a grain of mocha to the cup ful." “No, thank you,” gasped Uncle Gregory: *T never drink coffee; It gives file the hiccups.” After the dinner was over. Uncle Gregory took me outside and whis- pered: “John, for the love of a blissful heaven, the next time you give * a dinner party cut out that bug doc- tor, or let me wear ear muffs!" Peaches hasn't spoken a ser.s'Me word .since that Utter evening. Can you blame her? \1 9J •t. Who Is It That Can’t Afford to Have MUSIC in Their Homes When They Can Buy Their / * - * a Phonographs For « ’ J\ This Machine will play any size DISC RECORD. Edi son, Victor, Columbia and Pathe, without any'c'xtr attachments. Its tune is perfect, pure. " . * / ’ ' WHY NOT A RFC? Our Rug department h r nplet * >. * r You should see our Art Squares of Crex (bass, in ail /" • x. - / • y' / \ > / sfte*. Prices range from .'*15.00 upward. Have You Seen OCR GUARANTEED IRON BEDS? COME See These Metal Reds and Let Your Eyes R«. ' \ - "’v- 1 i X v . The JUDGE. % c't -Vn ounce of Fact is Worth a Bushel of Argument. ( ome if Only to Look and Compare W E HEARTILY INVITE YOU Price Furniture Co. S. G. PRICE, Manager.