The Camden chronicle. (Camden, S.C.) 1888-1981, June 27, 1913, Image 7
Funerals Directed
We supply the best of burial goods, con
duct ' funerals and relieve faynilies and
friends of many unpleasant duties ince
dent to death. We are always prepared
to serye those who need our service.
B. R. McCREIGHT, CAMDEN, s, c.
Shoes !
Shoes !
CHEAP FOR CASH
Our stock is too large and for the
next TEN DAYS we will save you
money. There is not a piece of in
ferior workmanship in any shoe in
our stock. Buy a pair of GOOD
SHOES and save money.
Springs & Shannon
PREPARE
FOR
Come to our store and allow us to help you in your
preparations for hot weather. You will want, per
haps, a refrigerator, a water cooler, window screens
and wire, ice cream freezer* lawn mower, garden
hose, etc. We have the beBt in these lines. For ex
ample, we sell
Ice Cream Freezers, Refrigerators, The Best
Brand of Window Screens and Wire, and
Garden Hose, Thoroughly Reliable Lawn
Mowers* " r :
\M 4 . : V . . ' ? ? ...
We can fully equip your home and yard for the sum
mer and sell you many things that will add to your
comfort during the hot weather. Visit this store.
Make it your headquarters for hardware.
Malone - Pearce - Young
Hardware Company
' or Best Service
? ? S E ft - ?
J. B. ZEMP
? ? . ' . rJ*
? D R A Y A (iff "7* ??
Kerosine, Gasoline,
v- ? f ? -?/*? : w ??<? ?? ~v\
Wood and Coal.
A 8URE CURE.
At the recent aurgeoot' convention
In N?w York !tuun m. kw wem put in
patients' Inside* to hold their stpin
*chs up. wounda wers ?#wwi with #uw
Ing machines and Dr. Alexis Cartel
<*ui off doge' lege and fixed them OB
I again with perfect ease and aueceaa."
I "The way surgery ia progressing,"
j said Biiiieon ford in an awful voice.
Sobody ne?d ever be given up any
J re unless, indeed, it's the caae of
poor old Hykes.
"'There goes Sykea.' one- of . my
clerks aaid to nie the oth *r day. 'Tberd
goes otd mtt ftykes as halo and
Jhaarty as he ever waa. And yet
eight doctors have at variouB times
given him up.'
"'Ha. 'ha!' I lambed A??d yrhat
did they give him up for, tleorge?'
" 'tie wouldn't pay hia bllla,' the
| elerk replied."
Business.
Motorist?* What's your name and
| address?
Victim?John 8 ? Smith ? 14? B? B
?Bean street.
Motorist ? Righto, Smith- Can't
stop now; tomorrow I'll call at your
lioyse and try to convince you that
you ahould Carry an accident policy
In the company I re present. ? London
Opinion.
SCIENCE.
First Pugilist (bis first banquet)
What's this her? Roman punch they
advertise on the bill of fare?
? Oecond Pugilist (also his first ban
quet) ? Some new uppercut, I reckon.
Explained.
,Wo heard about a woman once
Wlio never did her neighbor knock;
It seems she dwelt out In the Bea,
Upon a high and lonely rock.
. One Disability Removed.
George Washington had written a
courteous note to the distinguished
.British general, asking him to surren
der. s
Hesitating a moment, he signed it:
"Yr. Obt. Servt., G. Washington."
"There was a time," he said, with a
whimsical smile, Vwhen I. couldn't lie,
but I seem to have outgrown' that
weakness."
Essentials.
Cub ? I suppose the throe "R's" are
still the essential foundation for a
good newspaper? JJ.
Editor ? Not op your life. It's the
three "S'S" nowadays.
. Cub? Three "S's"?
Editor ? Yep. We've gpt to have a
snappy editorial writer, , snoopy re
porters, aud a snippy sodlety editress.
? Puck.
Recording a Disturbance.
Yeast? The professor told me that
the seismograph shows some disturb*
ance on the earth, laBt night.
Crimsonbeak ? Yes, I can account
for that. I got home late last night,
and my wife found it out.
Bound to Have it. j
"He spent all his money on her a?d
then she wouldn't marry him."
"No, she married the fellow who
wouldn't spend his money on her. That
k as the only way she could get It."
Its Case.
"Revenge la a very paradoxical kind
f affalr."r
"Why so?"
"Because a man who is on the outs
rith another has it in for him."
SHE HAD HI8 NUMBER.
"Slower certainly talks a gr$at deal
about himself, doesn't he?".
"Yes. Ho evidently believes that
tho most trifling topics may be made
interesting if properly handled."
Guile In thi Barnyard.
Tho hen that cackles makes a fuss,
Although too old to lay. ? -
?jrey ltecp tho TafffiCT T6oie<1^ ancTlfitts
Fostpono tho fatal day.
Following a Forrpula.
"Poopla ought to c.Uooee their oppo
site when they marry."
"Well, did you do that?"
"Yep. She lived right across the
street from ma." *
.
TOO MUCH FOR THE REFEREE
Had to Adrr.it He Woe Unable to Ds- )
clde as to Merit* of Famous
Punsters.
ft
Tom Hood and Theodore Hook
made a wager as to who could spring
the beat pun, leaving the decision to
Charles Mathews. The loaer waa to
?taud supper for the trie
Scarcely bad tin; agr*'<ment been
made when they espied ?* aignboard
whereon tho owner, meaning to adver
tise his beer, bad prlpM^Htetr aold
here."
"Ohol" said Hook. "1 suppusu that
bear is his own bruin."
"Good!" iiaid Mathews. "You'll have
hard work If you're going to beat tbat,
Master Thomas."
"i dare say im'ii do it, though," said J
Hook, "(9r you know he carries more ;
than two4 faces under one hood. Don't |
you, Tom?"
At that moment, turning a sharp
ooruer, they camo in night of a ainall,
tumbledown house standing In, the
uildst of a wretched little plot of well
trampled grass, just In front of which
wan a huge board with tho inscription,
"Beware of tho dog."
Hood looked cautiously round In all
directions and, finding no dog any
where visible, picked up a broken
pleco of brick and scribbled this query
underneath the warning, "Ware bo the
dog?"
"Well, I'll tell you what it la, my
boys." said Mathews, "I can't decide
between two such jokes as those, and,
what's more, I'm not going to try;
so we had better all go and sup to
gether, and each one of us pay his
own share."? The Sunday Magazine.
HAS TWO PERIODS OF REST
Division of Jlmo of 8lumber Prevent
ed Breakdown of Man Worn Out
by Overwork.
Two hours In bed in the early ore
ning is the latest health recipe for the
busy man whose day begins early in
the morning and lasts till late at night.
The "treatment," which consists
simply of going to bed from 5 till 7
o'clock, was deacribiiU by. a medical,
man who prescribed it for u business j
man whose manifold interests had
been compelling him to crowd A-two
i days' work into one, to the detriment
of his health.
"My patient now has two distinct
days and two distinct recuperation
periods <fvery twenty-four hours,"
the doctor explained. "He begins
work with his secretary an hour bo
fore most business men are think
ing of getting up in the morning. At
five o'clock in the afternoon his first
day's work ends and he goes to bed
for t)vo hours' complete ro.Ht. At sev
en o'clock ho is up again, bathes,
dresses and dines. He is then fresh
for another four or five hours' busi
ness or social duties. His two rest,
periods combined give. hlj? ...almost
nine hours in bed. The 'patient'
gets through a greater amount o I
work and enjoys better health,"
Justified His Opinion.
Alexander Pope was one of the first
Englishmen to decry the pun. It was,
he said, a species of wit so triflingly
easy that he would engage to make
one on apy subject proposed off
hand.
"Well, then, Mr. Pope," said a wo
man in the company, "make one on
keel hauling." .
Quick as a flasA he replied, "That,
madame, is indeed putting a man un
der a hardship." . ?
Spence, who tells this anecdote,
deems it well to explain that "keel
hauling is drawing a man under a
ship." He then falls into an ecstasy
of admiration. "What a ready inven
tion must the man have had!" he
cries. "One could hardly have found
a more crabbed word to exercise the
punster's faculty." ? The Sunday Maga
zine.
Lost Opportunities.
We miss a good many opportunities
bccauso we do not recognise them.
They do not come at the time expect
ed, nor ip the way wo look for them.
A great many of them are disguised,
because that is the only way they can
ever get inside the gat* ef our preju
dices. A great many come and go,
holding out hands fall of good things
to us, but we shut our eyes until they
are gone. We have & notion that pur
chief business is to get away from
care; or keep care away from us, and
yet under the name and face of care
many of our best life-building oppor
tunities come to us. ? The UniverSal
1st Leader.
Higher Mathematics.
"Dad, you're pretty good at mathe
matics, ain't you?" as\ed the hope
(and despair) of the family.
"I ? I used to be," confessed old Bill
Payer, scenting danger.
"Well, where a sidetrack and a
main track join they form an angle,
don't tbey?'r *
"Yes."
"Well, if a wreck should tear up the
track right there would it be a rect
angle?"
Economy. ^
; 'It seems strange' to me that you i
should book your passage to Europe
on' Buch a slow stetfther," roraarked
Giver to his friend Grinder; "a lower
fare certainly would be no inducement i
to a man of your means."
"My boy," replied Grinder, "I .have i
mado my millions by always seeing
that ? got the fuU worth cf my^aohey. ;
If I can get ten dpya* board *on tho !
ocean for leg's money than five would
cost, why shonhJn't I take^U?'.'
SAWYER'S KID
1 KNOW WHERETOl
<3tT THEMCPICINg]
OUR DRUG STORC
'LQOkI
out)
/IvttJC
Little folks will commit indiscretions? big folks,
too. You will be sure to need remedies for sum
mer complaints. Get them while you think of it,
A little delay will cause a great deal of pain, and
even death may come before you get the doctor
and the medecine. You should, at all times, have
in the house, remedies for summer complalhts.
Come to OUR Drug Store
Sawyer Drug Company
PURE ICE " CREAM
Foreign and Domestic
FRUITS
Home-Made Candies
Vegetables
CIGARS, CIGARETTES, AND TOBACCOS
Camden Candy Kitchen
TELEPHONE 78
SELL.
DO YOU WANT TO j
BORROW
1 May Help You.
LAURENS T. MILLS,
CAMDEN, S. C.
IF YOU EXPECT
to buy a Ford this Spring or Summer and
not ready: to Jake it now* please place your
order with me now for future delivery so
f that 1 cao provide for your wants. 1 ex
pect to have a complete line of the follow
ing in stock by May 2nd. All sizes of
hrestone caseings and inneT tubes, apark
phi g^c chains and-Ford parts, etc.
D. C. SHAW ?-?
The FORD Man
SUMTER, S. cT