The tribune. (Beaufort, S.C.) 1874-1876, November 01, 1876, Image 1
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The Beaufort Tribune.
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VOL. II.?NO. 50. BEAUFORT, S. C., NOVEMBER 1, 1876. $1.50 PER ANNUM.
Our Autumn.
Wo, too, have autumns, wben orr leaves
Drop loosoly through the dampened air,
When all our gool suim* bound in sheaves,
And wo t tand reaped and bare.
Oar soa*oiis have no Bxod retnrna.
Without onr a ill tboy como and go ;
At noon our suddon summer burns,
Ere sunset all is snow.
But oach day brings less summer cheer,
Crimp* more our effectual spring ;
And some, bing earlier every year
Onr singing birds take wing.
?JjQWell.
THE VILLAGE BANKER,
" Whatever is, is right," said Sir
Philip Wentworth, emiling, as he toyed
with a peaoh after dinner, and watched
a bevy of delicious children rnmninor in
1 o --his
park, which stretched for many an
acre in view through the open windows.
The speaker was a pleasant, mellow
gentleman, still on the sunny side of
middle age. He had twenty or thirty
thousand a year, not much as times go,
bnt enough for him nud his, because he
lived in the country and his tastes were
simplo. The only expensive habit he
cherished was a custom of keeping open
house, as his father aud grandfather had
done before him. Wentworth was the
favorite rueot of the country hounds. It
was a place much beloved also by bishops
during their visitation, and by
judges on circuit. It was famous full
twenty mile. round for its homo grown
veal, aud (or cream cheeses, butter aud
ducklings. Its nectarines and its pears,
too, were the pride of the neighborhood.
All about Sir Philip was agreeable and
eveu dignified. Hi- wife was as fresh
and sweet as a full blown rose. It did
hollow eyod Londoners good to look at
her, and sent them away to their coun
try cousins full of matrimouial projects.
Lady Wentworth was one of those comfortable
housewives who keep birthdays
and holidays. There was nearly always
somo little festival going ou at the hall,
and the merry making there was not
done in slovenly, disdainful way.
New Year's day, or Christmas, at
Wentworth was a refreshment for the
soul aud body of every one present at
it. The Wentworths did not only pass
a few weeks of the year among their
Buckinghamshire woods and meadows;
they lived there. They spent their
money on their neighbors, and took
their joys and sorrows with them. Sir
Philip and his wife could both carve at
a harvest home or a rent day lunch, rtnd
did so.
" Your ladyship will spoil your
sleeves," said the roctor of the parish
to his patron's wife at snoh a time, when
he saw some of her modest braveries in
danger of destruction from the gravy of
a baron of beef.
" Wo can afford a new dress on such
oooasions as these," replied my lady,
simply; yet, as I have said, the Wentworths
were not rich, and they might
have easily spent the gross total of their
income during a London season. Nothing
but rural ways and admirable
management would have enabled them
trt liDO ?? * " ?" -
w ?.W w ^ivuvttuiij, JfCfc DU WWII W1 till LI
their means ; for they had not only
themselves to think about, bat a family
'which came into bloom regularly at the
rate of one or two blossoms every year.
" Whatever is, is rigb,t" then remarked
Sir Philip, taking a not unreasonable
view of the world around him?
that is to say, bis own scraps of timo and
space in it. After all, the wisest of us
can only speak sincerely from our personal
experience; all other speech is
made meroly of breath and speculations.
" Humph 1 I dare say you think so,
Sir Philip," replied Mr. Alontmain, one
of the prino s of Lincoln's inn, who bad
oome to see the country gentleman respecting
a minor's estate of which they
were co-trustees.
"To bo suro I think so," resumed
* Bir Philip, heartily, as he gazed with all
the happiness of ownership on tho landscape,
dotted with deer and children,
stately trees, and a lake which shone in
a twilight softened by a summer moon
like molten silver, all aglow with beauty.
" Ha 1" said Mr. Montmain, in a
musing tone.
"Don't you think sot" asked Sir
Philip, somewhat slyly, for ho loved to
smile with his guests over a royal joke
p without any point in it. Like most dull
folk he thought a jest decent enough
when it was unintelligible, for then it
frightened nobody.
' " Oh, yes, I think so. I think that
whatever if. is riffht inst now fur m? T
can't go further than that," replied Mr.
Montmain. "I have, an you humorously
imply, a very good business. So have
yon. No better trade still exists than
the earliest known among moo, which
was that of the gruzier. Abel seems to
have kept a grass farm after the fall,
and Adam must liive tanglit him to
handle his laud. The patriarchs generally
lived in clover, as you do, and
wero frequently pleased with their
property. You are a sort of modern
t Job before he was bothered by Beelzebub.
I am?well, I am a kind of
Protestant cardinal. Attorneys are the
priesthood of Great and Little Britain."
" Truly," declared Sir Philip, who
had often seen with awe the height and
magnitude of bills of costs. * Now the
golden fleece comes from the ass rather
than from the shoep, and parchment
yields a bigger revenuo than wool and
mutton."
" Perhaps tlioy do," assented the
prosperous lawyer, nodding oomplaoent,
*' Then wo agree in thinking that
whatever is, is right," repeated Sir
Philip, with emphasis, because he liked
to show that ho never mado a mistake iu
laying down a moral law in such strictly
conventional language that it could
not possibly bo disputed by right thinking
people.
" We agree," observed the lawyer,
taking a despairing fly out of his finger
glass with a prong of his dessert fork,
- " and we can afford to agree, about the
unfailing excellence of afl those sublunary
arrangements which I am glad to
see were made for convenience; but if
this fly?smarting with lemon juice,
stupefied with rose water, wet, bodraggled,
disconsolate, sick and half smothered?could
speak, it is just possible
that the fly might not express precisely
the same opinion of Providence as that
which wo have uttered with entire sincerity.
The fly is not so well off as wo
are. If even a moderate iucomo could
be got out of it, many of the finest gentlemen
In England would devote themselves
entirely to the fly's service and
glorification. But nothing is to be got
out of the fly, and, therefore, I only
saved its life to illustrate my argument
in a neat manner. Already the wretched
creature, too weak to use its legs or
wings, has staggered into trouble again,
and writhes in torments under the husk
of a hothouse grape."
" The sufferings of the lower part of
creation have always seemed inexplicable
to me," said Sir Philip Wentwoith;
"still, as we know nothing of
the motives which influence Infinite
wisdom, we are bound to believe that
they are in all cases benefioont."
" Are we?" said Mr. Montmain, cool
ly. "I should hardly have gone so far
as that. When we know nothing, perhaps
it is as well to presume nothing.
Providenoe seems to be notably indifferent
to the happiness of all created
things?that is to say, with the ciceptirn
of ourselves. We are happy. We
have good health, plenty of money,
m-my friends, and few cares. I do not
know a"y one else whose circumstances
aro so satisfactory. Obsorve, however,
th.?t our advantages may be all summed
up n cne. We are rich. If anything
goes wrong with us, wo have the
mo t judicious medical advice of the
agj. Wo are not neglected and quacked
by turns as the poor are. We have
mu.iy friends and few cares, only became
wo have enough money to enable
us to do kind acts which cost us no sacrifiues.
We give much and want nothing.
We have few cares because money
permits us to do very nearly what we
please, and surrounds us with love and
wi'b honor."
" I hope you do not mean to teach
me that money is the chief good?" said
Si Philip, prosily; "I should be
sorry, my old friend, to take up such a
do trine.'*
The lawyer was silent.
- xiuveriiutuenB, continued air l'tniip,
who loved his library, and had something
of the oountry gentleman's fondness
for casuistry, " money may perhaps
be the outward and visible sign of
the Divino favor. At all events it reEresents
realized labor, and all work is
lessod."
" I would rather not go too closely
into that subject," returned Mr. Montmain.
" My father made most of his
money, you inherited yours, and Lady
Wontworth, if I remember rightly, v>..s
sole heiress of the last Earl of Annandale
through her mother, who also married
property. I do not know that
either of their ladyships, or that you or
I ever realized any labor. My work is
done by my clerks, yours by farmers
and voemen."
"At all events," said Sir Philip,
" we have what we want. Let ns be
oontent with it."
"By all means. Let us be content,"
eohoed Mr. Montmain.
" And own that whatever is "?
" Why, no," interrupted the lawyer ;
"I dil not say that. I merely indorsed
your opiuion, that this is the best of all
possible worlds for people like ourselves.
The number of my olerks and your acres
increases yearly. My clerks make out
large bills, your hay and oorn sell at
high pr.oes. This proves that law is expensive
and agricultural produce dear.
80 muob the better for us, so much the
worse for our customers."
" I will neve r acknowledge that money
is the chief good," said 8ir Philip,
vouaiii fnl t*
" Nil one with such a well managed
estuto as yours need ever acknowledge
anything or anybody," observed the
lawyer, with conviction. " One oi my
clients, who has not moro than halt of
your fortune, repudiates his own children
; and I have nover beon able to
persuade him that twice two are four
unless his interests lean that way. I
notice, moreover, that the world invariably
surports him in his worst selfishntss
and unbelief. The present age has
no conscience, either public or private.
All its triumphs are the spoil of trick and
deception. Money is its god?a very
old god by the way. The creed of the
golden calf was simply money worship.
I do not say that money always confers
happiness, but I do say that there is no
happiness without it. I am fifty years
old. i have never had so steadfa-1 a
irionu as my purse, i need scarcely
add that I keep accounts only with the
Bank of England. A private banking
firm would take away my sleep and appetite."
" Well, Montmain," pleaded 8ir
Philip, " I like still to think that whatever
is, is right?you must leave me my
, illusions."
An lon? as yon confess they are illusions
I will not disturb them," answeri
ed Mr. Montmain, who wan too rich to
toady a client, and who knew that the
surest way to a proud man's respect is
; frankly to oppose his most sentimental
crotchets. "By the way, you knew old
Daviti, of Wakefield-in-the-M<irsh, didn't t
you f" e
" Knew *>ld Davis ?" answered the fi
baronet ; "what, Banker Davis, do you 'v
mean? I should think I did. He was d
my father's tenant for twenty years, till I
they quarreled about some Methodist a
parsons who infested the neighborhood.
But ho was a hale and hearty fellow when d
I saw him last market day, after a sitting h
of the petty sessions at Dronington." s
" He isn't hale and hearty now," said
the lawyer. " He hanged himself yes- to
terday at an old inn in Leadenhall I
street." h
" Heaven and earth !" exclaimed Sir a
Philip, "what shocking news! I re
member Banker Davis when he was 8
quite u child. He was an obstinate old to
fellow, Baid to be rich for his rank in 8
life, and he was one of my father's show to
peasants till they quarreled." 8
"I daresay, I daresay," mused tho ?
lawyer, absently. " Now, I will tell you a
what happened to him only last week. a
It will amuse you, and perhaps give you b
new views of terrestrial happiness. Job d
Davis was, as you are aware, an honest,
saving character. All his life ho had 8
been heaping up halfpence, and occasionally
managed to put by a shilling r'
among them. He knew the value of '
money even in his small way, and he was P
quite proud of his little hoard. Many a ?
winter's night Job ? ould lie down in a 1'
farmer's cowhouse and go to sleep ^
among the warm animals to save firing,
and I have seen him carry a bundle of h
sticks ho had picked up in hedges and '
ditches to sell for firewood at Droning- r'
ton, though ho could have only got a c
few pence for it. He was a cheerful c
and sensible old man, with no evil propensities,
very honest and very good na- n
tured; but ho had probably a fear of <3
poverty, and no gain was too small for J
nim. His only food was a mess of gruel tt
and potatoes, which he made himself at
the blacksmith's fire, or, on baking 6
days, at Mrs. Jinks' oven. PerliapB his c
light diet accounted for his high spirits, c
The people around here called him
Banker Davip, because ho liked well d
enough to chuckle over his money, and v
he would always lend the whole or any b
pint <>f it on moderate terms when he
knew tho applicant was solvent and 8
would pny him back again. I myself b
borrowed a hundred pounds of him one P
day, during tho assizes, to settle a b
troublesome business of young Cadway's
with n billiard marker. c
" I laughed when my agent down hero "
called Job out of the market, where he .
wi e selling four now laid eggs, and introduced
him to me as a capitalist. But
Job himself was mightily pleased, and
promised to bring him the money, if it
had been twice as much, in half an hour,
and then ho scudded oil ns fast as his
nimble old legs could carry him. From j1
what hiding pla e he took the bank "
notes he brought back with him I do not "
know. I only remember that they smelt .1
moldy, and I was glad when the billiard 11
marker had them. I do not know which *
was the dirtiest, Cadway's case or the J1
money that got him out of its oonse- j(
quenoes. I am afraid that it was this 1
simple, open-handed way of dealing
with the money he had taved so penuri- j3
ously which brought Banker Davis to f"
ruin and to self-murder. One day, dur- J?
ing the race week, Cadways got hold of j1
him, and conjured every penny tho old "
man bad away from him by somo cook- c
and-bnll story. There was no doubt ?
that the young rascal had committed a "
misdemeanor, aud Job Davis came on ?
foot to London to ask me to prosecute. 33
Of course I declined to do so, because ?
my firm never touches criminal busi- "
ness. *
" We are oonveyancers, and the linos 33
which separate tho different branches of n
our profession are very rigidly drawn, jj
A solicitor who keeps a shop of all sorts 33
loses caste. Nevertheless, I took so .
much interest in Job?whose_face under 13
misfortune looked like a winter apple "
which hud been dropped in ashes, so '
smeared and red was it?that I recommended
him to tho gentleman usually
employed by my lirm in such cases; and
I have no reason to doubt that the best
wan uuuu 1U[ J11LU tuui COUKl DO UOU6.
Unhappily, however, for Banker Davis, f,
thero was a comic element in bis mis- a
fortuno, and his very appearance was f,
laughable in the eyes of the law report- j{
era. Ho was his provincial accent of a n
peasant s language. Cartways, too, hart p
really robbed him in a funny way, and f(
there was something said about a night- a
cap and an old stocking in which Job
had kept his savings that quite overcame
the gravity of tho bench. Cad- n
ways, of course, was splendidly defend- a
ed by Gizzard, Q. 0., and Serjeant r,
Bumptious, so that in the end, Job'o M
misery was treated as the merriest bnsi- e
ness imaginaole. He had no legal proof p
even that he had been robbed, or that t]
he had over possessed anything worth y
stealing. The court, which dined with p
the defendant, afterward finally dismissed
the complaint amidst roars of laugh- c
ter, in which the worthy magistrate join- p
ed; and all the high class Liberal newspapers
that most adored the aristocracy
gave tho very drollest possible report of
the proceedings. I myself smiled over
it, and as I did so, I read in another
part of the paper a short paragraph, v
evidently written by a penny a-liner, re- p
lating how one Davis had hangod him- o
self at an obscure inn near Leadenhall o
street, and that ho was supposed to have c
oommitted suicide while in a state of f<
tor porary insanity. By-the-bye," added w
Mr. Montmain, in a dry way he had, a
" I brought the paper down with me, o
and here it in." Ho Haying, tho eminent r
professional gentleman pointed smiling- ' h
ly to a paragraph in the news sheet, and h
handed it to Sir Philip Wentworth, who o
i was chairman of the qnarter sessions in b
his district." c
" I notice," obeerved tbo country gon
leman, feeling a benevolent interest al
nost feudal in tho untimely end of hi
ather's tenant, " that the magistral
cry proporly remarked he felt it hii
luty to say, before the case closed, tha
jord Cadways left the court withon
stain upon his reputation."
" Yes, the magistrate could not hav<
lined with him at Richmond unless h?
lad said that," argued the lawyer, rea
onably enough.
" I am afraid old Job Davis was rathei
oo fond of his money," murmured Si:
'liilip, as though he grieved, as per
taps lie did, over the selfishness ant
varice of the deceased peasant.
"Ah I I never thought of that," an
wored Mr. Montmain, who seemed t<
iave fallen into a brown study. "Pos
ibly Providence wanted to give him i
asson. We want no teaching of tha
ort. And now I think of it. Sir Phillip
ir. Starling has given notice that ho ii
bout to pay off the twenty-five thou
and pounds which you advanced t<
im some years ago on mortgage. Hot
0 you wish that sum to be invested ?'
"In real estate," replied Sir Philip,
imply.
"Your half-brother mentioned to me,"
esumed the lawyer, with a short cough
1 that he had some claim in equity on i
art of this money, though ho could not
r would not, substantiate it before i
?w murk, iut mLuiiy conBiaerauoni
rhich he held sacred."
" Ah !" sighed Sir Philip, shaking
is head full of virtue almost mourn
ally, " I have long since ceased all oor
esponilence with my brother, and ]
annot in justice to my own family re
ognizc his claim."
"Of course not," replied Mr. Mont
lain, as one relieved of a depressing
oubt. " And so you really think tha
ob Davis was too fond of his money
nd that whatever is, is right?"
"Yep, I do," exclaimed the conntrj
entleman. fervently ; and thero was i
ertain warmth of sincerity in his ac
ents most winning and agreeable.
" Well," replied the lawyer, with i
rv smile, " it is a serviceable faith
ery convenient for select society. Yoi
avo almost persuaded me to adopt it.'
"Ithink," said the rector, who no\
poko for the first time, "that we ha<
letter not pass judgment on the incom
irehensible. We cannot measure tin
xraament exactly with a plumbline."
"That is certainly another view of th<
ase," remarked Mr. Montmain, yawn
Qg slightly over an unuttered thought
and between you and me, parson,
hink you are right."
A Bright Horse.
The Boston Journal relates the follow
ig : Among the many horses ownei
y a street railroad company is one win
sed to give the hostlers a deal o
rouble by slipping his halter and roam
ig at will about tho stable. The lialte
ras on each occasion buckled on a
igiitly as possible, but to no purpose
ir the horse would invariably be foun<
alf an hour afterward making a digni
td tour of the stable. This bocami
lonotonous to tho hostler, aud ho dc
jrmined to as certain the modus operand
y which his equine friend secured hi
borty. Agaiu the halter was tiglith
uckled on, and taking a seat where hi
ould watch his troublesome charge, hi
wa ted developments. Pretty soon i
orse who stood beside the troublesomi
ne was observed to poko hie nose int<
is neighbor's stall, and catching thi
nd of the halter strap between hii
aeth, he pulled at it. His first, seconi
ud third attempts to unlooso th<
ucklo were unavailing, but with re
larkablo perseverance tho horse re
Limed to his work repeatedly, an?
ually out dropped the buckle tongue
lie throat strap fell, and the horse o
iqnisitive mind was soon st-Uking abou
tie stable again. A change of locatioi
ias of course u necessity.
Taking Care of Tlieni.
That is a noble charity which the Bap
ists of Euglaud have just inaugurate!
:>r their wornout ministers. As a ruh
liorso which has served his maste:
lithfully for twenty or twenty-five yeari
i better cared for in his old ago than i
liuister who has served the church foi
irty or fifty years. He is left to scratcl
ir himself, aud beg or dio is often tin
ltoruative. The English Baptists havi
1st provide four semi-detached housei
i one of the healthiest districts of tin
letropolis where eight aged minister
re accommodated with comfortabli
Doms and an allowanco of $250 a yea
rune mey live. ine jnow York coufer
nee of the Methodist Episcopal churcl
rovidod three or fonr snch homes ii
lie country for its old membeis a fo\
ears ago, but the depression of tin
inies stopped the completion of this en
orprise. It is something that all th<
hutches and denominations ought U
jok out for.
Faithful to Troth.
The Richmond Whig soys : In a fev
reeks a young lady of great wealth ant
orsonal attractions who lives in tbii
ity will bo led to tho altar by the mai
f her choice, who is an ex-penitcntiar
onvict, he having served for nine year
or ron^ery. ino young man, since hi
ran released from confinomont, has lei
model life, and boa worked iiulustri
usly at his trade. Tkero in a tingo o
omanco about tho affair. Tho younf
idy remained true to her lover during
is long confinement. There ia no littli
^position on the part of her relativea
>ut aho will marry tho man of he
hoice, all obataclea notwithstanding.
Women and Wire.
Of tlie worst foes that woman has
9 ever had to enoonnter wine stands at
3 the head. The appetite for strong drink
9 in man has spoiled the lives of more
' women?mined moro hopes for them,
scattered more, fortunes for them, ?
brought them more sorrow, shame and
3 hardship?than any other evil that lives,
3 The country numbers tens of thousands,
nay, hundreds of thousands of women
who are widows to-day and sit in hope- a
r less weeds because their husbands have 8
r been slain by stroDg drink. There are
j hundreds of thousands of homes seat- n
tered all over the laud in which women a
live lives of torture, going through all
the changes of suffering that lie be- ?
3 tween the extremes of fear and despair, ?
because those whom they love like wine c
9 better than they do the women they jj
have Bworu to love. There are women
' by thousands who dread to hear at the .
9 door the ster> that one1* thriller! them .
with pleasure, for that step has learned
5 to reel under the influence of seductive v,
poison. There are women groaning
with pain, while we write these words,
from bruises and brutalities inflicted by J1
, husbands made mad by strong drink. "
There can be no exaggeration oi any P
statement made in regard to this mat- r
1 ter, because no human imagination can
create anything worse than the truth, p
1 and no pen is capable of portraying the li
3 truth. The sorrows and the horrors of A
a wife with a drunken husband, of a g
1 mother with a drunken son, are as near
the realization of hell as can be reached ?j
" in this world at least. The shame, the a
indignation, the sorrow, the sense of g
dit-grace for herself and her children, t!
the poverty (und not infrequently the
beggary), the fear and the violence, the
lingering, life long struggle and despair "
of countless women with drunken bus- *
' ban Is ore enough to make all women ^
curso wine, and engage unitedly to op- *
f pose it everywhere as tho worst enemy B
1 of their sex.
Women, there are some things yotr v
can do, and this is one : You may make o
1 drinking unpopular and disgraoeful a
among the young. You can utterly dis- n
^ countenance all drinking in your own fc
house, and you can hold in suspicion
? every young man who touches the cup. fo
You know that no young man who 0
drinks can safely be trusted with the d
0 happiness of any woman, and he is as n
unfit as a man can bo for a woman's so- 0
0 ciety. Have it understood tbat every
young man who drinks is socially pro- c
J scribed. Bring up your children to re- %
gaai drinking as not only dangerous t
but disgraceful. Place temptation in a
no man's way. If men will make beasts n
of themselves, let them do it in other
society than yours. If your mercenary
uiinuuuua ireai iiieir customers irom pri- n
" vate stores kept in their counting- a
1 rooms shame them into decency bv your y
0 regard for the honor of your home, n
' Recognize the living, terrible fact that 1
wiuo has always been, and is to-day, the
r curse of your sex; that it dries up your
9 prosperity; that it endangers your safe- n
? ty; that it can only bring yon evil. If
3 social customs compel you to present
wiuo at your feists, rebol against it, and ^
3 make a social custom in the interest of &
" virtue and purity. The matter is very
1 much in your hands. The women of
9 the country, in what is called polite so- !
V cioty, can do more to make the nation J
a temperate than all tho legislators and ?
3 tumultuous reformers that are strng- '
1 gling and blundering in their efforts to r
0 this end. 0
3
1 idu't Make a Cent. b
9 l
1 An unknown man entered a hosiery
Q store in Detroit, says the Free Press, and
. asked to be shown "a few sockB." When j,
. ho learned the price per pair of woolen t:
1 ones, he put them aside and said :
"1 guess I'll keep on weariug cotton
f or.es. They say if you wear 'em right Tf
t along through the winter your feet don't *!
gei cold."
Some cotton socks were handed out, "
and ho persuaded the dealer to drop *'
from twenty to tlfteen cents per pair. 8
Then he said :
"I can buy the same kind in Toledo a
- for ten cents." o
I "It doesn't seem possible," replied t!
? the dealer. " Will you swear to it?" a
r "I will. I'll make affidavit to the tl
* fact." u
"i The dealer told bim *o go around to g
t? a justice, make tbe affidavit, und tbeii
i bo should bavo four pairs at ten cents j,
3 per pair. Tbe stranger was as good as p
3 bis word, and he chucklod and cackled p
s over his shrewdness until the document 0
3 was made out and be had been sworn, p
9 Then the justice remarked :
3 " A dollar is the fee." n
r {Something camo over tbe stranger
- about that date. Qis kuees wobbled a
3 little, and bo swallowed ns if something E
3 choked him. Ho banded over tbe dol- ti
" lar, walked out, and tho four pairs of tl
8 rocks are still left on the shelf. If the ^
- shrewd chap made any remarks to him- b
9 self, ho probably whispered :
3 "Virtueis its own reward, and you a
are 150 pounds of fool." f<
i iic xuuux x iiAi it.?? uimmu Borne- ?
thing to euro a boil," exclaimed a oiti- P
v zen an be dashed into a drug storo. "Ah, u
i bo you have got one of thoRo things, a
s now, have you ?" smiled the clerk. 1'
j " Yes, sir, and it's just in tbo right I
, place." " Just in the right place?" re- o
H peated the clerk ; " why, why, whore is h
a that?" "On my hired man, came the
I sweet reply, and the clerk saw the point. a
ti
f If your kitchen floor squeaks, don't ii
5 put oil in the crevices; just engago a 1
j cook whoso sweetheart visits her on the ii
a sly and stays till the small hours. Yon b
, will never hear another squeak from d
r kitchen floor or basement door hinge as d
long as they remain unmarriod. a
Items of Interest.
The farmer's best vest?harvest.
What is the worst kind of an omen t
'o owe men.
Character is the diamond that
cratches every other stone.
What is that which is lengthened by
eing cnt at both ends ? A ditch.
Remember the poor, and while yon
re about it remember that they need
omething.
A good watch, in yonr wakeful moaents,
will always be on its guard
gainst you.
The ohief glory of American liberty is
he impartiality with whioh it guaranBes
to every public man at least one
hauce to deny that he is a burglar or a
orse thief.
The committee of the Will oounty (DL) ,
aby show limited the entries to thirty
abies, the chairman declaring that he
ould not stand the abuse of more than
wenty-nine women.
A -1 UU dULi 1
xx luuMuaauio ui^un ui OWHllB, m 1IUOK
ally a mile and a half long, and numbering
not less than 10,000, was seen to
asa over La Salle, along the Illinois
iver valley, recently.
A spectator with an affectionate disposition
undertook to caress a Nubian
ion at a railway station in Franoe, lately.
l crowd rallied to his assistance, and he
ot away with the loss of an arm.
Conrad Dearing bragged, while drunk
a Columbus, Ohio, that twelve years
go ho killed a colored man. When he
ot sober he found himself in jail, with
ho chances in favor of his being hanged.
The school board of Davenport, Iowa,
as adopted a rule prohibiting formal
eligions exercises in the publio schools.
?hiB is the first 6uooessful attempt in
owa to take the Bible from the publio
ohools.
A traveler in the Cast onoe saw a man
rho had lost his logs by leprosy, mounted
n the shoulders of one who had lost his
rms by the same disease?the first
lentioned sowing grain, while the later
did the looomotion.
Judge Lindeman, of Cincinnati, senen
ced a little boy to two years' imprisnmont
for stealing a newspaper from a
loorstep. The lad s mother was thereby
aado insane, and the magistrate Is ths
bject of public indignation.
Man," says Victor Hugo, "was the
onnndrum of the eighteenth century ;
rom tn is the oonundrum of the nineecu
tli century." An American editor
<< U 1 A Sit
UUP. ?t O mui V 5UCDO UW, UUI Will
ieyer give her up. No, never."
Cincinnati has become a great shoe
aanufacturer, the industry having been
ugmented to such an extent of late
ears that it is now the oenter of shoe
innufacture by machinery in the West.
Mie business was first begun in 1863.
Col. B , who was very fat, being Boosted
by a man to whom he owed
loney, with a "How d'ye do?" anwcred
: " Pretty well, I* thank you:
ou find I hold my own." " Yes, sir,
ejcined the man, "and mine too, to my
orrow."
The ancient kingdom of Poland is now
or all purposes an integral part of the
Im-sian empire, the last remaining veeigo
of its semi-autonomioal character
taving been swept away through the
eccnt abolition ot the offioe of secretary
>f state for Poland.
Why is it that a man always defers
nocking the ashes off his cigar until they
tave fallen inside his vest, and a woman 1
lways tearfully declares, the morning ,
iter the first white frost, that she had
a tended to bring those house plants in
be next morning.
The mother-in-law problem has been
educed to its lowest terms in Maine.
)ne man had four daughters and one
on: his neighbor four sons and one
anghter ; these were enamored of
hose; net result?five weddings, aggregating
only two mother-in-laws.
Estimate the sum of mental endeavor
nd anxiety, of physioal effort, of time
ccupied and money spent throughout
he country in a Presidential oampaign,
nd then name the undertaking in which
bo percentage of wasted energy as oomored
with the total foroe exerted is as
Teat.
At Monaco, a frequenter of the gamling
saloon was refused admission.
[<s asked why, but received no answer,
io then, being Frenoh, nought the aid
f his oonsul, but with no better result,
ie bas consequently filed a petition in
le superior court, praying that his adlission
be oompelled under a heavy fine.
A fight between the cannibals and the
iritisb is reported from Fiji. The nav<
a fortified themselves in caverns after
le attack, in which a number of whites
ere killed and wounded. The strongold
was blockaded and the cannibals
Larved out; seventy prisoners were
intrnfld and oonfined. nwaiiino an
>r their execution.
The total number of Christians in the
orld, as given in " Chambers' Encyoloedia,"
is 863,000,000?an immense
umber. The non-Christian population
mounts to 918,000,000, which inoludes
20,000,000 Mohammedans, 190,000,000
Irahminioal Hindoos, 1,000,000 Parsees
r Ore worshipers, 488,000,000 Buddifcts,
and 189,000,000 heathens.
At a London inquest on the death of
cab driver, who had fallen through a
-Eudoor in his stable, the remarkable
itclligenoo of a horse was described,
'he beast was heard pawing and neighife,
and a man offered it water and oats;
ut it continued its strange actions, eneavoring
to attract attention to the
oor. The man comprehended at last,
nd diucovered the body.