University of South Carolina Libraries
# ;w ^'.j -s - *: >V " A ?" THE TRIBUNE. VOL. T.--NO. 30. BEAUFORT, S. C., JUNE 16, 18*5. $2.00 PER ANNUM. . ISoil it Down. j Whatever you liavo to nay, my friend, 'J Whether witty or grave or gay, { Condense as much as ever von can, j And Bay it tho readiest way ; t And whothor you write, of rural affairH i Or of matters aud things in town, 1 .Just take a word of friendly advice? ( Boil it down. i For if you go spluttering over a pago j When a couple of lines would do, ] Your butter is spread so much", you see, , That the bread looks plainly through ; j So, when you havo a story to tell j And would like a little renown, x To make quite sure of your wish, my friend, x Boil it down. ( When writing an article for tho press, ' Whether prose or vcrpe, just try ^ To settle your thoughts in the fewest words ^ And let. tliem hn ~ ~...i .1 ? - . And when it in finished and you mppoeo It is done exactly brown, Just look it over again and thou Boil it down. For editors do not like to print An article '.azilv long, And the ge neral reader does not care For a couple of yards of Bong ; So gath.or your wits in the smallest spaco, If you want a little renown, Audi every time you write, my friend, Boil it down. 1?0>V I BE'JAME A BILLIONAIRE. I was sitting in my offico musing upon tlio subject of wealth, and the unequal distribution of property iu this world. Iu n>y meditations th:s question kept forcing itself upon my mind: Why is it th'at a mail is sent into this world with- a out previous consultation or arrange- i ment, and at the very beginning of life t is iuformed that he must get money, > money, money?must root hog or die? 1 I could not answer the question. Yet.I c know that I have been insulted and hu- 3 initiated with such a statement many > times. Why, 1 also asked myself, is it 1 * tbiit I can't enjoy all that is beautiful 1 auid glorious *n this world without liav- rJ n iug money, money, money? I couldn't ( ; tell why it was?thought it might bo ^ f r owing to an artificial state of tilings; but i it was {ilain to mo that I couldn't. While V pondaring on these matters, I suddenly f jvisolyed that I would have money, since c 3t was so necessary, and I said to myself: a I am goiug to have wealth; yes, I am do- 1 4,ermined to havo wealth; yes, I shrieked, t .I will have vast wealth; I will bo as rich > as Oroosus. How shall I attain it ? i Shall I rob a national bank ? No. Shall * I induce some rich man to call me a liar, t and a thief, and a perjured villain, and 1 sue hiiu for slander and recover a large 1 verdict ? No. I will get rich honestly, c I will do it in this way, and I fell to so- i uioquizmg in tnis manner: 1 liaye a h watch worth $50. I will trade that I watch for a horse. I shall make a good ? trade. * The horse I will exchange for a ^ yoke of oxen. I will fatten the oxen, and get tliom in very nice order, and sell t them for Christinas beef for $400. I will ? invest that sum in moss pork, and it will n rise in an unprecedented manner, and I ? will convert my $400 into SI,200. t With this sum I will proceed to ? ^France. I will go into the country o about Rouen and buy twelve Norman stallions. In crossing the ocean one of c them will die, but I will dispose of the n others in a very advantageous manner, I and realize $11,000 on that transaction, u I will then go to my neighbor, Mr. Fen- r ton, and I will say to him: Mr. Fenton, t I have been extremely fortunate with my Norman stallions. i have made a large a sum of money. I desire to buy your sec- a tion of land. I will give you $11,000. ii He will say it is a fine piece of land, but I believe I will accept your proposition, ' and he will immediately make me a deed, o Next day ho will come to me and say he c is sick of tlio sale, and will offer me $25,- p 000 for the farm. I will greedily accept F his offer, and give him bock his farm. I n will invest my $25,000 in Cashmere t goats, aud make an enormous profit on n them. When I dispose^of my goats I | j> will be worth $5U,UU0. 1 will then com- s mence shaving good notes, and the com- b jnunity will soon be startled with the in- b telli$ence that 1 am worth a hundred b thousand. About this time I will bo *0 elected prosident of a historical society. I I will tako this hundred thousand and go a to a sparsely settled country, and buy a f' large amount of land. I will lay out A town on the land, and call it Nineveh. I 1 will sell a great many town lots, and I T will judiciously offer the "Pilgrim's I Progress " as a prize to any one buying c two lots; the town will build up very 1 rapidly and will bocome a railroad junction; the railroads will mako my land c very valuable, and I will sell it in small G fimofa +/-* man rrivrtnrr flinm a fl for a deed, providing for a forfeiture on tho slightest failure on their part. I will 1 sell out all my land and town lots finally, and I will be worth half a million. I will then be elected to the State Senate, and will bo chairman of tho judiciary committee, also of tho committees on education and federal relations. About this time I will buy a township of land, and will give employment to 1,000 hands. Of courso I will build an elegant and palatial country residence. I will carry on farming operations for five yoars very extensively, and, at the onil of that time, I will sell my township for donblo what I gave for it. I will then be a millionaire. The degree of till. D. will be conferred upon me, and I will be twice chosen to reprosent my people in Congress. I will be chairman of the ways and means committee, and the leader at the Honse. When I rise to speak the first tinft, i everybody in the chamber will turn i P?le, and there will be profound eilenoe. ' I Iftor leaving Congress I will invest my ' Money in railroad stocks, and in five pears I will bo worth the sum of $50,)00,000. I will go out to California for ny health, and will very wisely invest ill my money in mining stocks; stocks vill rise in such a manner as to iutensey amaze everybody; new and prodigi>us deposits of gold and silver will be found; bonanzas will be discovered, and i [ will soon find myself the richest man < n the world. I .will be the first bilionniro in the country. The President I vill send mo an autograph letter congratulating mo, and tendering mo the < jortfolio of the secretary of the treas- 1 lry. I will then go to Europe, and risit all the old towns, and ruins, and sathedrals, tho Tower of Pisa, the uins of Hercnlanoum and Pompeii, ind all tho other curiosities.. I will 'iait the Bending Pillars of Shift's and i 1 vrite a scientific article about them, , vhich will be printed in Ucribner's Monthly with illustrations. After reiuperating, I will come home ready for jusiness. I will be chosen as Senator ] n Congress. My maiden speech will iroduce a profound sensation. I will ipeak as follows : 1 " Mr. President and Honorardf. senators: On this august and sublime >ccasion it is but natiual [cheers] that I ihould feci a diffidence?a great difiilence [sobbing in the gallery ] in addressng your honorable honors upon the vast lubject before us. It is well known to 'our honorable honors that I represent 1 i great people?a grand people [sensaion]?a noblo people?a godliko peo>le." I Immense weepiug in the gallery, . md such tremendous applause that the lonorable speaker was unable to proved. ] I will bo the most popular, wittiest, rod wisest man in the country. There i vill be a great many little paragraphs in he newspapers about me. when I risit New York there will be something ] ike this in the papers: "The Hon. , >f Illinois, gave a dinner at Delmonico's j resterday to a select company, among vhom were the veteran Tburlow Weed, ( lorntio Seymour, Whitelaw Reid, Wil- ( iam Cullen Bryant, A. T. Stewart, fheodore Tiltou, William B. Astor, Commodore Yanderbilt and Susan B. Inthony. Tho dinner was the most nagnilicont ever given in tho city, there >eing the unprecedented number of orty courses; tho extraordinay spectacle if^dee^ oyes floating in green-turtle ibup was seen for the lirst time. Five uindred different kinds of wines graced lie ?ablo The Hon. , of Illinois, vas the wittiest man at the table. Tho ueeting is supposed, to have a political lignificance. The entertainment cost he enormous sura of $40,000, which the Ion. ?<?, of Illinois, paid before eaving the establishment. It was in very respect a far more brilliant and j lazzling affair than tho dinner given ome years ago by tho iato Sir Morton i ?eto." When I visit Chicago tho papers there < vill have the following: " The Hon. i , of Illinois, is occupying parlors at * lin "Pul m nr Yoof/irilnv nft ovnn/\n 11 ? uo teld a levoe in the Ladies' Ordinary; aore than five thousand citizens called ipon the honorable gentleman; to-night here will be a torchlight procession, and ifty tar barrels will be burned in honor 1 f the distinguished guest." < Sometimes the following item con- 1 erning me will be seen in the papers of 1 aost any city: " The Hon. , of ' Uinois, was lately in this city transact- ' ng important business connected with 1 ailroad interests. The supposition is i hat he is making an immense corner on 1 VeBtern stock. He was very mysterious ' nd Jioncommunieative, and it is said his ] ppcarance here created a terrible flutter ] a monetary and political circles." ] This paragraph will go the round: i ' The Hon. , of Illinois was standing i n the steps of the custom-lionse in this ] ity yesterday, swinging a gold tooth- i tick listlessly in his right hand, when a 1 toor bootblack approached him, and 1 sked the favor of-Dlacking his boots; ] he honorable gentleman, in a dignified 1 lanner, allowed him to do so; when the 1 ob was done, the honorable gentleman < aid, in a bluff manner: ' What's the 1 till?' 'Ten cents, massa,' replied the i tootblack. The honorable gentleman < rn mediately mode him a check for ?10,- ] 00. He is a descendant of a noble ] French family, is a very ecoentric man, i nd is widelv srtoken of its a oflmrlidnfrt i 1 or tho Presidency." I will bo elected President of tlio United States. My inaugural address /ill commence: '' Fellow-citizens of Jaine, of New Hampshire, of Vermont, if Rhode Island, of Connecticut, of New fork, of New Jersey, of Del"? At this point my soliloquizing was unleremoniously interrupted by the grocery man, who rushed into my office .nd presented the following: H. Vincent, to Tohy Smith, Dr. !*o bal&nco on eggs $ .50 " My friend," said I, looking at him n a reproachful manner, " I have just earned of tho doath of my grandfather. ! cannot transact any business for many lays." He left. In five minutes antther man came in with un account of hirty-seven and one-half cents for merihandise. Raid I to him, in n mournful . oice: " I just learned a few minutes igo of the unexpected decease of my grandmother, aged ninety-six. Tho things of this world have no interest for ne," and I bowed my head upon tho able and "groaned. He left tho room i leepiy movea. Anauoui nvo minutes in ] mine "a rod-headed man, and asked if I 1 jould pay him Ave cents, the balance I j jwed him on herring. " Sir," arid t, in < lugubrious tones, " I but a moment ago < received a telegram imps "ng the sad < intelligence of the sudden dunise of mr j Father and mother. They were simul- < taneously attacked with "apoplexy, and I passed away together. I will he unable to transact secular business for many months; excuse my emotion." As I made this remark I clapped my handkerchief to my eyes, and counterfeited intense grief. The man went away in tears. Fearing that another creditor might come along, I left the office and went home. I felt exceedingly small after the dissipation of my splendid day dream, and I determined to put an end to my desire for wealth. I got an old horse-pistol. I loaded it heavily. I went behind the house. I placed it against my forehead. I blowed out my brains, and I have felt better ever since. i Detroit Free Pressings. Among the improvements noticed by a Western paper is the mention that " our friend Shaw has set out two shade trees in front of the house he cheated liis mother out of.*' It's well enough to be posted in orthography. When an editor receives a letter saying: "Sur?Stopp mi papper, kuss yew !" ho doesn't feel lialf as badly as if the writer had put his words in straight English. An old citizen of Vermont observes that when a post-office clerk gets too high-nosed to lick a stamp on to a letter, it is time that tho country had a chancre of administration. A man digging a well in Now Jersey came across a lioop skirt eighteen feet beneath the surface of the ground, and it flew up and struck him across the nose just as naturally as if he had come across it in an alley. A ^Michigan farmer remarked the other day that he had got to Hannibal Hamlin his barn. He meant that he had got to raise it. The Toledo llladc also uses the expression "on to-morrow," but there is no law to prevent an American newspaper from being printed entirely in Spanish if the editor so elects. Dr. Kropper says that wo shall hnvo a cool summer in America, but such pre chctiops are looked upon as lmmbuggery by a man who has his ioe contract made. An Iowa congregation dismissed its preacher because he signed his name to a hair-dye testimonial. It was tho last hair that broke tho camel's back, and a white one at that. You couldn't get one man out of ten to carry a batii brick along the Btreet unless it were wrapped up in a paper, but you may have observed that the man who pays six shillings for a box of strawberries takes them on his hand and walks along as proudly as the King of Borneo. When a householder, struggling to get a panel bedstead down stairs, loses his grip on the railing and brings up against the hall door, and the bedstead brings up against him, nine wives out of ten will open the sitting-room door and mildly inquire: "Richard, didn't [ hear something fall?" A Huge Nugget of Copper. There came to St. Louis from the Lake Superior regions, says the Republican, one of tho largest specimens of na uvu uujj|)iir ever irunsporteu a long instance. The mass is heart-sliaped, and weighs 6,000 pounds, almost double tho weight of the famous bowlder which was transported many years ago from the same region to tho Smithsonian Institute at a cost to the? government of $5,840. The specimen brought hero exhibits tho pure copper to the eye, and contains ninety-eight per cent, of the metal. It may be seen lying on skids at the southeast corner of the liindell Hotel, where it has been examined by crowds of people. The specimen was taken out from fin ancient digging sixteen and a half feet below the surface by a Mr. Davis, who has spent twenty-five years in copper-miniug. The mass, when found, had evidently been detached from its bed by the ancient miners. A number :>f pieces of copper besides the mass were found, weighing from an ounce to jeventeen pounds, which wero evidently jlippings by the old miners. Stone hammers weighing from ten to thirty pounds have been found in cartloads, jeveral Specimens of which mentioned iftvo been brought to this city. These wero the primitive tools with svhich those nneient miners had to do ;lieir work. These tools are found either porfect or broken from use, and the fragments are found scattered through ;ho debris. It has been computed that ;wo hundred of these old miners with dieir rude methods could barely be equivalent to two of the skilled miners >f the present day. Who and to what race they belonged, and at what timo ;heso people flourished, is not satisfactorily known, and can only bo tho mbject of conjecture. The only plausidIo assumption is that they belonged to llie ancient mound builders and worked in metals long anterior to the Indian races, as evidences of their occupancy tvere seen by the early Jesuit explorers, ind tho specimens which they clipped from the copper rocks are found scattersd over the wholo continent. A Burglar's Trick. j\. iamiiy ni xuisiiawaica, iihi., received From some unknown source several complimentary tickets to a circus which was to exhibit on a recent evening. All the inmates of the household went, and, when they ' returned found that their Swelling had been broken into and rifled if everything valuable. It is supposed that the burglars sent the tickets in irder to got their victims safely out of the way. A Trait of Indian Life. An adventurous writer tells the following extraordinary story of an Indian in chief's paternal love : Death had taken cr the old chief's son, and his grave was gi l dug on a small eminence, some furlongs at j distant from the fort. On reaching the T1 j spot, we found an immense concourse of i natives assembled, among whom the cc j father and family of the deceased were gi i conspicuous. Tlio former stood on the gr brink of the grave in a desponding bi mood ; and, though he permitted no \V outward symptom of grief to appear, it wi was yet evident to all that a mighty and an ; continued effort alone kept it in restraint, hn j He appeared to be about fifty years of pc ; age, and his form and features, though tli ! stern and swarthy, offered a model of wl | manly beauty. The mother and her i daughters were loud in their expressions cr . of grief ; but that of the father, from its j tn very calmness, was the more terrible, 1 an j and I could not but sympathize with lei j feelings so obviously acute. The weep- is ing and wailing of the assembled friends j Vi j were the only sounds to be heard, and nj I for a long while the business for which an they were assembled was suspended, as ti< if no one was willing to impose the last or trial d[ their hearts upon the bereaved re parents. ? oj At lenfrth the fntlier enve n stem wl "toiler that the boily should be deposited or in the grave ; a mandate which was re- ar luctantly obeyed by lier who had equal w cause to mourn their great loss. The be old man then commanded silence, anil, th in a resolute tone of voice, began to ad- wi dress the assembled multitude. Having or called attention to the different events of his life, as connected with the rank tn he occupied, he proceeded to remind at: them?always addressing himself to Mr. lh D.?of the domestic afflictions he had Ei endured, concluding with the recent Pi death of his eldest and most beloved hp son, whose corpse was now before us. wi "Now," said the old chief, "the hi string of my bow is broken, the last at hope of my declining days has forsaken me. Seek not to dissuade me from the la resolution I have adopted, for I have re- ha solved upon following him, and all you he can urge will be in vain ; hfe has no th longer any charm for me. I was once a W( huuter, but am now no longer so. I was lai once the proud father of two noble sons; at but, alas! where are they ? I was a hi warrior, but am no longer so. Where- to fore shall I continue to cumber this as earth with my useless presence ?" cc The silence that now prevailed was so ai deep that not even a breath was audible, ar The old man folded his blanket around him, cast one farewell look on the fair th fields aud the broad rolling river in the Ti vicinity ; and then, to the surprise of all co present, descended composedly into the th pit, anil laid himself upon the corpse of hi his departed son. eli " Throw in the earth, fill up the grave, sc cover up my last earthly residence," he ro exclaimed. "Nay, do not hesitate, for I am resolved to die." pi Screams of acronv arose from the af- to flicted wife auil daughters; vehement se expostulations were resorted to by all ti< around ; but the old chief remained firm, bt Not the tenderest entreaties of those M who were dearest to him among the living?not the eager representations of his friends, backed by the usually influential voice of Mr. D., could for an instant 1 shako the resolve of the self-devoted thi I victim. th "I will die !" said the old man ; "seek no longer to prevent it ; I repeat it, I P; will die !" b? When it was found that all expostula- S] tions and entreaties were in vain, the hi friends held a clamorous council among ?f themselves, which resulted in a decision hi to obey the will of the chief. When he th saw his-wish would be complied with, to he again spoke and gave directions for th the disposal of his property ; his horses Pf were to be divided among his relations, he ten of the finest being first given to Mr. th D., who was looked upon by the Indians tv as an adopted father. Meanwhile I had m advanced to the brink of the grave, in be order to observe narrowly the eounte- te nance of the old man. I could perceive hn 110 symptoms of weakness. The same gf stern calmness, which was at first per- dt ceptible, still continued to characterize bf I it, and, as the clods of earth began to th ; shower down upon him, still not a mus- w< I clo relaxed. . In the midst of tho most cr | ieanui nownngs ana lamentations Averc i ni ; the horrid obsequies performed ; the j fh clay and the sand being tilled in, the i m green sod was at length carefully ar- : uj ranged over tho small spot which marked fo the last resting-place of the living and [ til the dead. I 01 The Wrong Carpet. i *5 | 81 House-cleaning was going on. He r. arose early in tho morning, put on his | 0'j old clothes, lugged one of tho carpets fc into the yard, mill went at it. Ho bang- tl ed it and whacked it with clubs, tickled | w it Avith switches, and brushed it Avith e; ; brooms. Then ho turned it over, and fc j did likewise to the other side. Then ho w i hoisted it on the clothes line, and did | the name over again. His hands ivere jj, blistered, his hair full of grit, his nose : ft full of lint. Ho rolled up tho carpet, lugged it into tho entry, and set it doAvn fi( with the mental resolve that "he'd be n, blest if he shook another one." Just then the woman Avho livos in tho other n, part of the house appeared with the aj quory : "Doctor, what in tho world nt have you been doing with my carpet f" rc It was as true as that Job had boils, that, he hail been shaking his neighbor's carpet. tl: A Kansas scientist is saving, for the bi benefit of future generations, four mule ' hi shoes, from which the former proprietor j tl was eaten clean by the grasshoppers last! ni season. The hoppers must have been w sick, or they wouldn't have left the tl shoes. ai Novelties in Fashion. White tissue veils are among the latest lportations. These are of a soft i eamy white silk tissue, not so thin as enadine, and are Bhown both plain , id striped in narrow bayadere lines. c liey cost from 81.50 to 82.50. For summer morning dress in the , mntry there are neckties of Sootch ngham, blue?both light and dark? ay, pink, or brown, with white em oidery in the corners: price $2.25. 1 'liito muslin neckties are embroidered c ith Turkey red, blue, pink, or black, id cost 80. Other white muslin ties t ive blue or gray hems attached to the a >inted ends by hem-stitching, and I ese colored hems are embroidered with liite. p More dressy white neckties are of a epe lisse or of organdy, with the ends eked aud trimmed with squares of itiquo lace, or of point duchesse in r if, crescent, tlower shape, or else there y an oval medallion or a block of tine f idenciennes set in. These cost from 82 ward ; 83 will buy a pretty tie with itique guipure corners. China crape ?s are delicate shades of lavender, rose, ? blue, with white silk embroidery ^ presenting lace for trimming. The >en English needlework is done in a liite silk on colored ties that .cost 82.50 b 8-4. The most stylish black neckties J e of China crape, edged with fine and o ide ecru guipure lace. Tlio ecru itisto neckties give a fashionable air to 2 e simplest black toilettes. Those a rouglit in open English designs on each / id cost $2. t Cheviot sets of lingerie ore offered for tivoling. These aro made of the quaint riped or plaid Cheviots and Oxford ? lens not in vogue, and aro usually an Qglish collar, necktie, and cuffs. ? rice $1.25. Tliere are also similar 11 ts of brown undressed linen, bordered n itlr bands of pink .or bluo Cambric ion stitched, serviceable and appiopri- ^ e for long journeys. a Byron collars of linen, with a sheer h wn necktie to match, are trimmed with b ilf-inch bins bands laid on as a hem or c irder, and a spray of embroidory of e same color in the corners. To be s irn with these are flaring cuffs si mi- a riy ornamented. These cuffs are not t tached to a regular long under-sleeve, a it they have a shape piece three or e ur inches deep to tit on the arm just the collarette attached to English . liars does on the neck; this is cooler id less clumsy. The set of collar, tie J id under-sleeve costs $4. New linen lawn handkerchiefs have c e hems scalloped and wrought with B tirkey red, navy blue, or sky blue to 9 irrespond with the neckties with which oy are worn. Others huve the entire ' im of a color wrought witn white ; or c se there are leaves or squares done in 1 arlet wool, and sometimes in blue and t se together. Price from 82.50 to $4. 0 Sleeveless iaekeis are mn/la nf Inncr ? lfTs of organdy muslin, sloped in to llow the outlines of the figure, and t parated by rows of Valenciennes inser- j ju. Othe rs have a band of black velvet r itween the puffs, and are edged with f echlin lace. c t An Editor's Courage. A Kentucky editor was walking one " ly recently upon the street, enjoying ( c balmy spring atmosphere, and won- ^ >riug whether ill the year to come his fl iper would be established on a paying a isis, when he became aware of a sudden ggling and tittering immediately bend him. He turned and saw the source all the merriment. Two well-dressed dies, prominent in the town, were in e rear, and laughing heartily. Much the poor editor's surprise their atten3n seemed especially directed to some sculiarity about his own exterior. Then ) divined, with a thrill of mortification, e cause of their merriment. Much dating and writhing while grinding out ental productions, seated in a liardittomed chair, had told upon the frail xture of his pantaloons and the cloth id finally yielded. The editor's wife, hkI, thrifty woman, had repaired the image as best she could, but, perhaps cause now cloth matches badly with e old, the evidences of her handiwork are all too plainly visible ! Hence the uel laughter of the ladies walking bend the country editor. The poor man ul to his office in shame. Then his anhood asserted itself, and he sat down ion that patch and wrote something r the paper. His next issue contained lis paragraph: (< 4 ? i 1~ i-.i: 1 ;*o wo wuiitcu n ouupio ui iuuii;b ; i the street the other day, one of them, ' ?we arc informed, observed a large 1 zed patch on our pants, and made rncr- ' r over the discovery. Well, we do wear < d clothes, it is true, but we might af?rd to treat ourselves to better ones if 1 ic husband of tho woman we refer to ( ould come to the oflleo and pay us 1 ghteen dollars which he has been owing 1 r a long time for subscription and job ork." ? "Doubtless," said a logical old Eng- f sli olergymen, " God might have made ^ better berry than the strawberry, but, ? aubtless, God never did !" Doubtless | )me editor might make a point more f aatly, but, doubtless, none ever did. f : this little bill of eighteen dollars was. < at settled up within a week after the . apearance of his paper, then is there . a virtue in pungency. Aiid the occurence was a literal and a recent one. i "" A I The savings bonks of California owe < icir depositors $70,000,000?round nnm- f si's?and have only $3,000,000 cash on t &nd with which to pay them. Should t io depositors make a simultaneous de- i and for the money due them, the banks ' onld lack $67,000,000 of enough to pay icir creditors, and there is not that i mount of money in the State. . I Items of Interest. It is amazing bow. little bad jewel.7 t sometimes takes to spoil a good girl. The Kansas grasshoppers are pleased ritk the quality of this spring's early abbages. The Oneida community have stocked Community lake in Wallingford, Conn., yith 30,000 salmon trout. A slow man can run in debt; but, laturally enough, the feat is oftener aosomplished by " fast" men. Wheat crops in Great Britain during he last nine years have yielded on an iverage twenty-nine and a half bushels >er acre. It injures a lead pencil to wet the oint in the mOnth, and there is in the ct nb benefit to the mouth that we mow of. Traveler (to landlord)?"Show me a 00m with a good fire in it, for I am ery wot ; and send me tankard of ale, or I'm very dry." The superintendent of a Cincinnati in Lrmary recommends placing a can of itro-glycerine in the graves around inn Arbor and Chicago. Sallie Morris, a pretty Newark girl, is "mind reader." She said to a bashful >eau the other night: " Why, I believe ou are going to kiss me. She was orrect. A correspondent of the New York rYibunc thinks that if Wte do not begin oon to treat the Indians more justly Jmighty God will smite us with somebing worse than locusts. A Cleveland woman recently married Chinese laundryman and in three days hereafter.the unhappy celestial appeared t a barber's shop and ordered his pigail cut off, Baying in explanation: "Too auchee yank." A man pioked the pocket of Mrs. ?owle, a milliner in booo, Me., of $200, t Portland, the other day, but she flung ler arms round his hock and hugged dm so that he was glad to give up the ash and run. A Berlin paper has a picture repreenting two men, one snuffing the air nd saying: " There is a smell of somehing burning, like powder;" the other nswering, with an ironical smile: "Only lowspaper." The people of Shelby oounty, Ky.,beievo that John Cotton has been stricken lumb for blasphemy. He cursed God >ecause a frost had ruined his crops, and* >n the same day was attacked by parolyis, wliich bereft him of the power of poech. The figures published, obtained from he archives of the captain general's ffioe, show what a oharnel house Spain las made of Cuba. More then 99,000 reopn have been sent there in six years .nd the greater part of these are in their graves. When a young lady goes to an enteraiument, and sees a lady friend accom>anied by a gentleman whom she does lot know, Bhe doesn't enjoy the perormance worth's cent,.as the whole evening is occupied in wondering who he strangeris. The number of suicides in the German irmy amounted in 1874 to 193, which fives the proportion per 1,000 men of 1.54 annually. The proportion is, in the lustrian army, 0.85; in the French irmy, 0.51; in the Belgian army, 0.45 ; mil in the English army, 0.38. In Nevada napkins are not need at able, bnt when they have eggs for dinler the mother remarks : '"Now, Bill, rou an* the rest just stick to yer sleeves, md let the edge of the tablecloth alone, ike yer belonged to decent society, or I'll baste the pelt off yonr backs." A curious case of kidnapping came up or trial in the Washington police court. }ne Brooks is charged with tying a boy >f nineteen, in 1873, taking him to a ichooner in Baltimore, and selling him o the captain. He did not have an opportunity to return home till a few days tince. The oase was sent up for the anion of the grand jury. The Prince of Wales in his tour in rndin will be dressed like an Eastern lotentate, in a big turban and baggy rowsers, and his equipage will be as mag lificent as it can be made. The intention, of course, is to dazzle the natives with a ipectacular exhibition of their future tiler. The cost of this royal show will je about a million dollars. The next oontest for the United States Presidency begins already to throw iteelf nto shape. You never meet a stran er low that he doesn't ask you the first shing : " Well, sir, who is going to be inr next candidate for the Presidency?" We, of course, know who that oandidate s going to be, but we Would see such inestioners hanged a dozen times before ,vo would mention his name so far in advance. A boy in W lluamstown, Man., became i man in this way : "While hoeing earn me afternoon, he turned to his father, vho was working with him, and said : ' What time is it, father ?" "Half past ;wo," replied the senior farmer. Throw- . ng down his hoe, the son graduated torn his farmer life with this remark : 'Twenty-one years ago, father, at half mst two in the afternoon^ I was born ; ^ ron can do your own hoeing after this 1" ' The cows of Alderney, according to A ecent visitor to that island, are milked hree times a day, and the milk is chornk1 without skimming. They are fed on grass and vraie, the latter beinp seaweed, ind are kept much of the time in' the ihade. A pound of butter a day iftpot in uncommon yield for a good oow. * rhe breed is defended Against admixture by stiiDgent laws, and no cattle are allowed to be taken into the island except to be slaughtered.